who i be

some days i feel like i'm failing at this "integration" thing.

i suppose i should explain.

for the last couple of years--particularly since the loss--i've been trying to get the creative/spiritual/womanly and "gotta pay the bills"-selves all wrapped up into one instead of continually killing off little pieces of me when it's convenient.

my biggest fear is going the route of the phoenix and burning myself out. starving for mental stimulation and sensation can get you in trouble.

doing the spiritual work helps. but it also tends to remove me from my material existence. then, usually around the time my cycle's due, when i come crashing down to earth, i tend to look around and think, "what the fk is going on here??!??"

becoming more mindful and committed to prayer makes a difference. i might feel like hell walking out the door, but taking a deep breath and getting it together so i can greet my shrines forces a reorganization of priorities.

massage does the same thing. a bad day instantly turns into a good one when i have a client. i have to check my crap at the edge of the table and deal with that person's well-being. and the better i make them feel, the better i start to feel myself. it's a wonderful exchange.

that's something i need to be seriously thinking about doing all day, every day.

i need to pull out all those papers and get serious about getting certified in dc. even if i don't do crap with it right now...at least i'll have it.

get my cpr certification renewed
scrape up the change to get my association membership renewed
i won't even talk about continuing education credits...oy.

not to mention that i'll have to basically re-learn everything before i'd feel confident going on a job interview. you think i still know the origins and insertions of the six deep lateral hip rotators? nope.

reiki classes were offered recently at my alma mater, but i missed out on those...have to catch 'em next go round.

and all this starts me wondering, "should i really try to do the house thing now?". but a house would mean a tax break for once. maybe i could actually start looking forward to refunds instead of owing.

i can have it all. i know i can.
i just have to pace myself...

and before, during, and after all that, i need to find the space, inspiration, and will to keep writing.