another one of those days.

sometimes i don't understand why i'm here or what i'm doing.

i get tired of unpaid bills,
not being paid enough...or being paid just enough...

i don't want another job like the one i have now, but will i have a choice?

going back to school would only put me in more debt. and the things i could concieve of studying wouldn't guarantee me shit.

i'm tired of being an underling to people who are half as smart as i am. most days i feel like my gifts mean nothing because there seem to be so few outlets for them in this culture.

i wanted to help heal people and ran into another spiderweb of red tape.

and what the hell is up with the disappearance of my libido? groan.

i'm not saying i want things to be easy...it'd just be nice to feel like i have a place in this world.

i know i have to stay motivated...that i can't let the bad days get me down. it's hard. the one person who could always make it better is gone now, and my internal "you can do it!" voice hasn't become strong enough yet. there are still huge parts of myself i struggle with.

it's taking just about everything i have not to run to some bathroom on another floor and cry my eyes out.

but...i won't.

it's payday. so after i finish this, i'll go pay a couple of bills

this evening i'll get some groceries and things to clean the house...i'm already planning a curried potato, lentil and spinach dish. and i can get at least the bathroom done tonight, put some clothes away (finally). maybe get some laundry done.

there's a stephen marley cd waiting for me somewhere, too.

tomorrow morning i'm going to go speak with the ancestors and take them an offering.

i know it's gonna be ok.

that still doesn't stop you from wanting to throw back a couple of petron shots and toss the world a middle finger every now and then.