TKON (reprise)

...because i needed this today. 

in the spirit of beginning to constructively vent my anger, i have to cite this as one of the main reasons i'm pissed.

because it's destroying hearts and minds.
because it's destroying families.
because it's keeping us from the good love we could be having.

the kingdom must fall.

gateway women

tonight i discovered gateway women, a blog geared towards childless women.  i think i'll be a frequent visitor.

the author is in her late 40s and from the UK, but i'd recommend it for anyone well into their 30s that isn't quite sure if things are gonna "work out" in the marriage/relationship/kids department.

she's definitely spoken to many of the things i've felt and thought over the last few years, but haven't seen written anywhere else.  in my head, i've started referring to them as single people problems.

from the "founder" page: 

Right now, there’s a whole generation of women who aren’t in the right relationship and can’t afford to have a baby ‘by themselves’ (even if they could face it).  Professional, educated, intelligent, capable, loving, emotionally-intelligent hard-working women. Women who’d be fantastic mothers. But it’s not looking like it’s going to happen. Where the hell are they supposed to take their bewilderment, their grief, their rage at how things have worked out?  They’ve followed the script our culture set out: worked hard at school, gone to university, built a career, tried to build relationships with men based on mutual respect and decency.  And where has it got them?

Gateway Women supports those women in the tunnel: those women still hoping that they’ll ‘manage’ to have a family. They’re just not sure how. Or with who. Or when. Or who’s going to pay for it…

Gateway Women sets out to challenge the ideas around identity and motherhood that are often at the heart of much unhappiness when the ‘baby story’ doesn’t work out, and to help women find their nomo mojo...  It is liberating, empowering, exciting and transformational work.

in speaking with a couple of friends tonight about feeling invisible, they mentioned the possibility of me being some kind of pioneer, similar to Jody referring to us as a group of women that (statistically speaking) hasn't existed before.

i can't say it's an exciting "first", but it's good to know i'm not alone.

lunar ritual: breaking vows and welcoming abundance

this is a very effective ritual for creating change in your life. if you're holding on to doubts about change or fear "losing" people/situations that you've become attached to, you may want to gain more certainty and clarity before beginning this process.

but...if you're really ready to release and shift, this is definitely for you.

also: i have seen this reversed. some people release on the full moon and give thanks on the new.  this method worked for me, but if your intuition leads you in another direction, follow that.


on the new moon...

• write/materialize your obstacle list.  what's in your way? what needs improvement? what's keeping you from achieving your goal(s)?  it should be made tangible so you can destroy it later. 
• prepare for prayer.  ground & protect yourself (visualize being surrounded in pure, brilliant white light from the bottom of your feet to the crown of your head).  open your prayer as you normally would...calling in directions, protective spirits, etc.  you can say your prayer on the morning or night of the new moon, whenever your energy runs highest. 
• say the vow break prayer. at the bottom of this entry, i've listed the vow break prayer as it appeared on the website i used (if anyone finds it in this language online, let me know). my notes are in brackets.
• banish. safely burn your obstacle list, or tear it up.  after your prayer, gather the ashes/pieces and place them on your altar or in your bathroom overnight.  in the morning, drop the ashes/pieces into the toilet, cover them with "first urine", and flush. 

during the waxing moon...

• reflect on what you want to create in the "new" space you've created with the obstacle removal. 
• take note of your dreams.  visualize. plan. 
• give thanks when you see signs of negativity and other unnecessary things leaving your life. 

on the full moon...

• give thanks.  you can make a special time to do this, or incorporate it into your typical daily spiritual ritual.  the point is to consciously express gratitude for the obstacles that have been and will be removed through your work. 
• write a gratitude list. start each sentence with "i am grateful for..."
• have a party! celebrate the fullness and beauty of the moon and yourself.  

~~~~~

VOW BREAK PRAYER

[even if you only use their list, still put it on paper.  definitely add obstacles/issues in your own words as needed and necessary. again: be confident that what goes needs to go.]


I rescind any and all vows & contracts I have taken, anyone in this body has taken, and anyone within my genetic lineage has taken pertaining to:

Going to sleep and forgetting who I am
Participating with limitation
Making limitation Real
Not following Spirit
Not trusting the movement of Spirit
Denying karmic interaction
Resisting Divinity, Infinity, and Ecstasy
Resisting communion with Spirit
Resisting full embodiment of Spirit
Parasites, fungi, bacteria, microbes, mycoplasma and/or anything else which feeds upon my bodies or beingness which are not in alignment with my highest good...
Vows to ignore a given chakra or body
Denying the mastery of myself or others
Denying the sovereignty of myself or others

[add your own language here] 

I now declare these vows & contracts null and void in this incarnation and all incarnations across space and time, all parallel realities, parallel universes, alternate realities, alternate universes, all planetary systems, all source systems, all dimensions and the Void.

Spirit, please release all structures, devices, entities, orientations or effects associated with these vows & contracts. NOW! 


MOON PHASES 2012 - 2013
[source - http://www.calendar-365.com/moon/moon-phases.html]


New moon - September 15, 2012
Full moon - September 29, 2012

New moon - October 15, 2012
Full moon - October 29, 2012

New moon - November 13, 2012
Full moon - November 28, 2012

New moon - December 13, 2012
Full moon- December 28, 2012

New moon - January 11, 2013
Full moon- January 26, 2013

New moon- February 10, 2013
Full moon - February 25, 2013

New moon - March 11, 2013
Full moon - March 27, 2013

New moon - April 10, 2013
Full moon - April 25, 2013

New moon - May 9, 2013
Full moon - May 24, 2013

New moon - June 8, 2013
Full moon - June 23, 2013

New moon - July 8, 2013
Full moon - July 22, 2013

New moon - August 6, 2013
Full moon - August 20, 2013

New moon - September 5, 2013
Full moon - September 19, 2013

New moon - October 4, 2013
Full moon - October 18, 2013

New moon - November 3, 2013
Full moon - November 17, 2013

New moon - December 2, 2013
Full moon - December 17, 2013

my thoughts on "Single & Yoruba"

over two years ago,  i listened to this blogtalk radio segment and wrote a sort of running commentary.  it's been sitting in my "drafts section" all this time, but since the conversation continues in ATR circles, i figured i'd post it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

point of order: can we stop with the "males" and "females" thing? ugh. especially since i typically hear "men" followed by something about "females". men and women sounds so much more...civilized {no binary-o}. thanks. 

1. polygamy - this was probably the most balanced discussion on polygamy i've heard in a very long time.  i was glad the hostess and panel had personal experience with polygamy and were able to give a FULL breakdown of it.

is it for me? no. i joke a lot about how i'd much rather have two husbands (polyandry). in all seriousness, i see the question of polygamy as one better considered by sistas who have children and/or may directly benefit from a polygamous situation in some way.  if i'm making the commitment of marriage, i would only do so with the understanding that our situation would be monogamous--at least starting out.   

as a woman not necessarily committed to childbearing--and not planning on having a large family even if i do--being one of several wives holds no interest for me. i'd rather stay single and/or be the primary partner in a polyamorous situation.


2. some of the traditional ways i dig. others i don't--probably because i'm just "too far gone".  i trust and love my parents and my family, but damned if i wanna get with someone i haven't even looked in the eye good yet.  direct courting/dating works well for me.

i've heard that some elders take on a "chaperone" role with (adult) godchildren.  others will say, "leave me out of it 'til you're really serious/ready to go to the mat."

i honor the opinions and advice of my elders, but when it comes to marriage, i'm the one who'll have to live with him, not anyone else. i've been raised to hold that responsibility as an adult woman with {hopefully} good sense, guided by my heart and mind.  if that's wrong or "nontraditional", so be it.


3. no comment on the brotha with the bembe hook-up problem...


4. i wonder if, in our modern context, it's best to assist people in becoming the best they can be and go from there.  as one of the panel members said, many are "struggling with the basics"--for a multitude of reasons.  the need for healing is pervasive and real--the sooner we see that, the sooner we can heal ourselves, our families, communities, and our world.  that needs to be taken into account both personally and in the context of relationships.

even so, i think we can all agree that if you love, honor, respect, and uplift yourself, you will seek the same in a mate.


5. we have to be careful about these conversations being too heterocentric/heterosexist.  it's probably time to have some "alternative" discussions, particularly since queer folks are quite present in our traditions.  i'm sure--or would hope--that elders will deal with these matters as they come to understand their godchildren and their destinies.


6. glad to hear them asking what men can do instead of the usual, "oh...how can we improve ourselves/make ourselves more attractive" from sistas.  also glad they mentioned the importance of personal observation, intuition, and good, old fashioned common sense in choosing a mate.

Rihanna.

back in february, there was the letter...now the Oprah interview. 


i'm going to try to keep this under 10-page-term-paper length.

first, i think many folks are forgetting how young these two were and still are.  i'm about 10 years older than Rihanna, which means she's younger than my baby brother.

i also wonder how many folks are looking at the situation far removed from the dubious relationships of their 20s.  'cause you know what they say about hindsight.  and many of those lessons--horrifically painful or just a little heartbreaking--are necessary for us to grow into our full selves at 30something and beyond.   i want to save them from that as much as anyone. but the reality is that sometimes you just can't.

secondly, i'll repeat what i always say when we hear about the latest celebrity divorce, infidelity scandal or whatever: no one knows what's gone on behind closed doors.  intimate relationships are complex, nuanced, messy things. in love, we forgive what we'd kill someone else for thinking.  we don't know what conversations they've had, who went to what therapist, what late night conversations were had--on the phone or otherwise.

we also don't know--with the exception of Chris' admission to growing up seeing the "too much" too many black boys do--what they come from. who their examples were.

yes, kids always look up to the "cool".  i loved my teen idols as much as anyone else.  but you know who kept me from imitating every move, hairstyle, and wardrobe choice?  my parents.

i'm aware of and sensitive to the fact that not everyone has the same guidance.  but that doesn't make Rihanna an automatic role model any more than Madonna was in her day, or Etta James in hers.  we could debate the pros and cons of that...but i think too many folks forget to ask why familial and community-based relationships are so lacking.

kids who have to create fantasies to escape their realities are indicative of much bigger fish that need frying.  girls who don't have someone to protect them from dating an around-the-way-Chris are not going to stop dating men who beat them because Rihanna takes a stand.  they'll continue to blame her (and other victims), ask what she did to provoke it, and keep trying to be perfect to avoid their own assault...until they heal.  Rihanna talks about this sort of revelation in her time with Oprah.

on the flip side, every girl with a daddy worth the name knows that if they come home with a face looking like Rih-Rih's did, somebody's gonna die. full stop.    

we also seem to forget that because we have more access to celebrities than ever before, we're seeing more unfiltered versions of their lives.  the machines that surrounded many of our old school artists now only work for the biggest of the big (see: Beyonce).

and even then: we know what happened when Marvin met Janis. Ray Charles' heroin issues were all over the news.  and the Beatles damn near shot themselves out of the sky for being arrogant enough to proclaim themselves bigger than Jesus.

celebrity is celebrity.

life is life.

before judging someone in Rihanna's shoes, we'd do well to remember that. 

love, lust, and the in-between: thoughts on street harassment

{trigger warning: discussion of street harassment, sexual coercion}

in the spirit of some of my other musings (see: the slutty posts and the "what's natural" piece), i'd like to share something that's been on my mind, even though it might get me yelled at.

well...maybe not.  every time i've thought that was going to happen, it hasn't.  instead i get yelled at for things i think are pretty straightforward.  go figure.

each year as spring and summer take their sweet time getting here approach, sistas in my internet circles start speaking out about what's commonly known as street harassment.

i understand the concerns, particularly when there is actual physical intrusion involved.  and, as always, age, class, sexuality and certain physical characteristics can serve as buffers and offer privilege.  

i know the game has changed.  case in point: my ex was stabbed 'cause a woman wouldn't give a dude her number, and he intervened when the dude got outta hand. 

i know there are intersections with domestic violence, rape, coercion and other forms of sexual violence. i stand with women who feel uncomfortable being approached in an overt and/or crude manner--for whatever reason(s)--and i defend their right to defend themselves, if necessary. 

i also agree that some men are too quick to presume all women are comfortable with the same level(s) of approach, touch, and closeness.  i am not better, more special, nicer or "easier" than my friend because i'll let you hug me or rub my shoulders after knowing you for an hour (if you're cute.  maybe. ask me tomorrow.) and she won't.

we are not all the same woman in different skin.  stop that.


no, we should not be called outta our names.
no, a stranger should never fondle his genitals at the sight of you.
no, men shouldn't hiss, click, whistle or snap when they can otherwise speak.

our anger at those things is justified, a righteous, powerful tool that propels us towards gaining our just due.

yes, men should know better.
yes, male egos shouldn't be so fragile.


but...i also see complexity in this. 

as a daddy's girl and a woman who deeply loves men, i sometimes regret the ways we have this conversation.  it's a shame we've come to a reality where a woman has to consider all this when receiving an appreciative--albeit lusty--glance* or a good-intentioned request for a smile.**

i wonder what's been lost because many women have difficult, non existent, or deeply damaged relationships with their fathers and other men in their lives.  how does it hurt us when we've never lived with a man who was genuinely invested in our unique gifts and general awesomeness?

what would happen if we could hear a brotha say, "wow...you're beautiful" and genuinely reply, "thank you"--whether we wanted to exchange information or not?

i ask because i have a tendency to dig until i get to the root.  and in this situation, the root doesn't always feel like sexism or street harassment. it feels like broken hearts and shattered trusts.

as we fight against patriarchy, kyriarchy, and an encyclopedia's worth of -isms, it's important to understand the layers of interpersonal healing woven into these structures.

intellectualizing and analysis is very necessary, but we must avoid using it as a heart-shield.  remember to fight the real enemies, heal the real wounds, mourn the real losses. 

it is essential that we find time to love, to enjoy one another, fall into bliss.

i believe there are moments when we can afford that.

let's not lose that in the struggle.



*which they ALL do. even the sweet, artsy, wonderfully enlightened ones. hell, especially them. often, it's what they do AFTER the glance that matters.

**which might actually be genuine, if corny or ill-timed.  

light and dark

a few nights ago, someone posted Alexyss Tylor's latest on tumblr and i went ahead and watched.  after that, i happened to find a Vice magazine piece where she told a bit more of her story.

now, i have a couple of issues with her--similar to the ones i have with Kola Boof, minus the twitter experience--but i also have a new-found respect.  she's a survivor.  i don't always dig the way she gets the word out, but i understand that she speaks to realities i have not lived and pains i do not know. 

i've noticed that many women labeled "crazy" or "wild" carry an abundance of Dark Goddess energy.  Her names are many: Kali, Nana Buluku, Pomba Gira, Pele, Maman Brigitte, Iyaami, Ezili Je Rouge, Sekhmet.  all-seeing eye havin, fire-spittin, ass kickin and name takin Divinity.  the Mama that brought you in and will take you out.

in this incarnation, my path stresses peace, light and balance, but i am aware that many sistas choose differently.  i can hardly blame them; the help and privilege i've been afforded don't come to all of us.   


when tragedy strikes or for those born into or out of pain, despair, and struggle, the light doesn't always make it through.  sometimes the darkness comes first, and it comes strongest. 

using the dark to heal is dangerous; it is the underworld journey, lonely and fierce.  the light is safer, calmer, sweeter.  but no matter the road, deep healing always carries the risk of no return.  you can get lost in the dark, struggling against your own demons. you can go too far into the light, becoming neglectful and drifting into the next world before your time.

only those who remain on the surface forget the sanctity of balance.

so to Kola, Alexyss and others i say: there but for the grace of God/dess go i. 


it's not an endorsement, or full agreement. i have my reasons for sticking to my way, as they do. still, i know that my way is only a way, not the way, and i'm not gonna reach everyone with it. 


this is a recognition.  an understanding. 


i'm in my lane, they're in theirs, but we're all on the highway to the same destination: the empowerment of our sistas and the reemergence of Goddesshood.  

the Divine Feminine in KMT and beyond

setting the record straight on spiritual patriarchy.

the fabulous margaret cho

i cannot express how deeply i identify with this:

I fly my flag of self-esteem for all those who have been told they were ugly and fat and hurt and shamed and violated and abused for the way they look and told time and time again that they were "different" and therefore unlovable. Come to me and I will tell you and show you how beautiful and loved you are and you will see it and feel it and know it and then look in the mirror and truly believe it. If you are offended by my anger and my might at defending my borders and my people you do not deserve entry into my beloved and magnificent country.

i've had relationships that were about this. my goddess...

but...her message is much bigger than this quote. read on.

we mad.

yup. sure are.

poverty is not revolutionary.

i don't think i've ever seen this articulated as well as Sis. LaTava did on facebook recently.

i'm posting the note in its entirety since not everyone would be able to see it if i simply linked back.

An oath to poverty is NOT indicative of a revolutionary mindset; it is a sign of ABUSE!"

In the 22 years of knowingly and actively working on behalf of my people I have seen family after family, couple after couple, choosing to live in what I call an oath to poverty. I have seen women hold to commitments to men who are unable (really just unwilling) to [help] provide the basic provisions of food, clothing, shelter, transportation and money for them and their children in the name of “Amerikkka is falling” and “This white man’s system is going down. We gotta let go of materialism.” Hmm… I agree. Materialism is a major problem and contributes greatly to a person’s willingness to live in economic slavery.

HOWEVER, having decent, safe and stable housing IS NOT A MATERIALISTIC EXPECTATION! Being able to feed your children, not just to sustainability, but to satisfaction IS NOT A MATERIALISTIC EXPECTATION! Insisting upon reliable transportation and living in a house with heat AND lights AND water IS NOT A MATERIALISTIC EXPECTATION! Having a voice in your own house IS NOT TRYING TO BE THE MAN in your relationship, nor is it being a FEMINIST! Having NO SAY SO about how the money is spent or earned is ECONOMIC OPPRESSION and is a form of ABUSE! Being made to feel guilty because you change your mind about a path taken or a decision made DOES NOT MAKE YOU DISLOYAL OR A LIAR! It means that you have intelligently reconsidered your options based on new or additional information or changes in circumstances.

BLACK WOMAN! If you and your children are living like this… it may be his fault, but YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE! And you have the power and authority to CHANGE IT today! Choosing to live in poverty, oppression or abuse at the hands of a man who says he loves you is much like being a passenger on the TITANIC. By telling you that you must learn to be satisfied with nothing, he is telling you that the ship is sinking and we must learn to live in the ocean. Practice holding your breath and regulating your body temperature so that you don’t feel so bad when death comes your way.

If, in fact, the ship (amerikkka) is sinking (and the ship is damn sure sinking) it would seem to me that a logical next step would be to find and or build a lifeboat that will carry you and your children safely back to shore (sure footing). It would seem to me that you would desire a means to return you to the standard of living to which you are accustom. If in your so-called consciousness you have learned that you are in fact descendants of “kings and queens,” then why don’t you work toward providing the finest life your skills and education can produce for you and your family.

Like many, I too want to leave this country, but I do not intend to do so on the back of a mule. Nor do I desire to flee to a destination only to find myself living in primitive conditions all in the name of revolution. If it is true that this white man’s education system is inadequate in comparison to the brilliance of our legendary wisdom (and it is), then I should be willing and able to easily master it to the point of providing myself with a quality of life I can be proud to offer to my children as their heritage. My "supreme" knowledge, wisdom and understanding should produce a woman whom my daughters seek to emulate and qualities my sons desire in future wives. If this does not sound like the results you are experiencing from your "superior enlightenment" SOMETHING IS WRONG! Look around you. Find a woman you RESPECT and admire, who is NOT living in the same dissatisfactory (sorry-ass) condition you are dying in and ask her for her sisterhood and her help. And when she tries to help your Black-ass… LISTEN! If you allow false pride and/or pretentious titles (i.e. queen, goddess, priestess, empress, oracle, tree stump, door mat, whatever) keep you from accepting the help you need to CHANGE YOUR CONDITION you are a fool and a fraud. You only hurt yourself and your children, because once you become the total dead weight that your death style produces, your so-called man will be on to the next one.

Any REAL MAN (any real king) wants a woman who is of high quality character, who sets standards that will improve the quality of his character more and more every day. A woman who he knows that in her own rights commands the honor, respect and admiration of others. A woman who will bring forth children with the cosmic intuitive nature to produce and create beyond the furthest imaginations of a slave. A woman who is the queen YOU WERE DESTINED TO BE!

*drops mic*

awesome stuff

i read this.

then i watched this.

i'm so glad that the conversations are finally finding better frames and language, and expressing the intersections that so desperately need to be acknowledged. well done.

keep your laws off my body

loving every word of this...

sometimes you feel like you're by yourself out here... (c) e. badu

but i'm glad that ain't true.

check out this post over at new model minority.

addendum: oh, and while you're at it, check out this one, too.

the big picture (cont)

glad somebody said it.

(for some of my previous thoughts on the topic, click here.)

the problem with labels

when you're truly about your business, they're not necessary.

srsly, if the common definition for feminism [is] to be treated equal to a man. im not interested in feminism. that is not the goal of the women with whom ive worked. 1/3 of black men are in the prison industrial system. i am working for a different world for my daughter.

word.

breast ironing

this angers me. for many reasons.

why punish girls for being the victims of rape and sexual assault? 

where is the men's responsibility? their maturity? sense of dignity?

i get that the mothers are doing what they know to try and protect their daughters. i am not passing judgment on them.  

but...have they forgotten their magic?

where are the ancient social structures that would have prevented this? they're pretty standard in original african culture.  has the infiltration christianity and/or islam eroded any sense of the rightful status of women?

obviously, i have a lot of questions.

the power in modesty

i used to wonder why any woman would want to cover.

however, as i learned more about the Divine Feminine, i began to realize that some of us are free wheeling love goddesses, others are modest "virgins". 

there are women connected to the earth and Her elements, to psychic power, to mothering and crafting.

all are necessary. all are empowered.

knowing that, i figured that as long as the sista is doing the choosing for herself, it's all good with me.

too bad the french government doesn't agree. 

um...what?

i cannot and never will be able to deal with this without my head exploding.

if you can, more power.

thank you, and good night.

malena

i watched malena last night, and it broke my heart. i found myself tearfully recalling all my sympathy for those other women.

to me, it was a poignant statement on just how deeply dysfunctional the madonna/whore dichotomy is, forcing us into boxes that cause us to hurt ourselves and one another.

[SPOILER ALERT: if malena's a film you think you might wanna see, stop reading now, 'cause i'm gonna give away some key plot elements...]