prayers for Palestine

last night, i went to a rally/vigil at the white house convened to draw attention to the latest developments in Gaza.  a friend told me about the IDF's twitter and tumblr pages, and i was horrified.* 

what does waging a "real-time" war solve, or prove?  how does that honor the soldiers, or the innocents that continue to suffer as "collateral damage" in these conflicts?  yes, the Palestinians have rockets.  but Israel has rockets, tanks, helicopters, fighter planes, soldiers...   

it was the typical scene: a group of pro-Palestinian folks on one side, a small, portable fence in front of them, police, then pro-Israel folks on the other side of the police line, closest to the white house.  there were chants from both sides, with the pro-Israel group incorporating singing and circle dancing. 

eventually, someone handed out candles.  an organizer said to gather in a circle and turn our backs to the pro-Israel group so as not to engage them.  that worked for awhile...then the chanting began again.

at one point they asked anyone who had a candle to move to the front, near the fence.  there were a few moments of silence to recognize those lost...then the shouts began again. 

i actually went with the intent to pray, not shout.  the whole time, i scanned both groups, trying to get a feel for what was happening beneath the surface.

anger.
grief.
reunions of friends and colleagues.
the need to be "right" overriding the reality of human suffering.
expressions of affection.
navel gazing.
tension between well-meaning whitefolks and embedded, invested folks of color.
elation when a lone drummer began punctuating the pro-Palestine chants.   

i noticed my candle and several others were particularly luminous: clearly marked halos surrounding the flames, accented by evenly spaced rays of light.  a sign of comfort, compassion, grace; the light of the Mother's presence. 

as my candle burned out, i moved back to the outskirts of the crowd.  the pro-Israel group took their leave, evoking a cheer from the pro-Palestinian folks.  when the police removed the barrier, they took over the sidewalk nearer the white house.

as i moved back, i noticed a young brother sitting on the ground, dressed mostly in khaki and wrapped in a keffiyeh.  something told me to stand next to him.  when he looked up, i asked if he was all right.

"yes. i'm just praying."

i nodded.

after a moment, i blessed some water, poured a libation and sat a few feet to his left to continue the prayers i'd started at the fence:

• for the mothers of the lost children.
• for souls to reach the Light.
• for the power to act from courage and love, not reactionary fear or anger. 
• for the space to grieve, and for that grief to be honored. 
• for those who could not freely shout as we did here.
• for the understanding that true protection doesn't have to mean denying life to someone else--especially those who are not directly engaged in battle. 
• for our love and our voices to reach those under siege, right at that moment, and in the days to come.
• for the young Jewish man who shouted, "you are not upholding the Torah."
• for the Palestinian / Middle Eastern women present...in hijab and unveiled, the children they brought. i knew that they, especially, held space for those who could not speak or witness for themselves. 
• for all those fighting for freedom and self determination around the world.
• for everyone present to reach home safely. 
• for the energy of the Mother / Divine Feminine to cover us.  to help us see that we are all human beings, under the same sun, seeking food, warmth, and life just like everything else...and understanding the deep affront that occurs when any of us willfully denies another those basic, human needs.

after awhile, i heard the brother say, "i don't know if they're listening, but i figured i'd pray anyway."

before i could catch myself, i blurted out, "they always listen, honey."  immediately i knew that had come through me, not from me.

then, he surprised me.  "thank you for praying with me. you have a very calming energy."

i smiled.  "it's what i do."  i extended my hand, which seemed to be my surprise to him.  "take care," i said.  he shook it.  i noticed his eyes were a translucent brown...a little sad, but very kind.  and crystal clear. he was still sitting on the ground when i left.

as i walked away--suddenly aware that i was freezing--a perfect little leaf blew down from a tree and landed directly in my path.  so directly, in fact, that i stopped to pick it up.

in that moment, i remembered the Ancestors' connection to the white house and the land around it.

they always listen.  




*i'm not linking to the pages because i don't want to give them any more traffic.  they can easily be googled if you're interested.  the IDF's tone is horrifying--it's as if they're simply playing a video game where stuff gets blown up.  that staggering level of arrogance dishonors their forces in harm's way and those fighting and dying on the other side.

accepting your blessing

the universe conspires to give us what we want!*

*assuming: pure intention, a light heart, and alignment with our lifework and highest selves.  warning: in the absence of those qualities, the lessons that pave the way to blessing will continue.

if your lessons tend to dishearten or discourage you, look deeper.  consider what the frustrations and disappointments are teaching you.  the Yoruba say that unless your ori--the part of your consciousness connecting you to the Divine within--is open and willing, God Itself cannot bless you.

again: unless you have prepared yourself to accept and internalize blessing, it can and will roll off you like water off a duck.

if you feel you're in or approaching this space, it's a good time to breathe and be still.  write/pray it out. seek counsel, if necessary.

you deserve to have your dreams come true, and be blessed beyond measure.  knowing that, the least you can do is put out a welcome mat for all the good things waiting to show up at your door.

more ways to welcome the energy of blessing:

• stand in gratitude for what you have.
• observe. {this requires a certain stillness.}
• clear your space--mental, physical, emotional, spiritual--as needed and necessary.
• listen. listen. listen. make time for meditation, not just prayer.
• be aware, but don't worry.
• be prudent, but not fearful.

may all that stands in the way of your success be removed. may you be filled with the knowing that Divine Love and Support exist for you. may you rush in the direction of that which will bless you. asé.

energetic self care

one of the things i've learned over the years is that once you're involved in spiritual community--any community, really--you wind up praying for folks quite a bit.  there's always a situation or three brewing that require a little extra oomph to push them along.

in the midst of this, it can be easy to forget to pray for yourself--in the same ways that being overworked or over-committed in the wider world can cause you to forget to eat.

yes, moving energy for the benefit of others holds innumerable rewards.  i firmly believe that all the blessings you send come right back to you. still, it's vitally important for all of us who carry the asé of healers, priests, spiritual vessels, etc, to maintain rituals of self care so we can continue to work effectively for others. 

many of us can relate to stories of elders and mentors who have literally given until it hurt. there can be a fine line between selfless devotion and full-on burnout, and several of us walk it.

while i was in massage school, we were frequently told about bodyworkers who only worked for five years or so because poor body mechanics can lead to carpal tunnel, broken bones, or worse.

both bodywork and psychology taught me about the issues surrounding transference, outlining the need to balance deep compassion and healing with the realities of power dynamics and human emotion.

for me, the message was clear: if you're devoted to assisting others in some way, you must also become intimately familiar with your own level of and issues around self care.

the depletion can be very subtle at first, and is often missed.  sometimes it's a twinge of fatigue, or a sense that things are slipping through your hands instead of gathering to you. you might become forgetful, unfocused, clumsy.

if you can't pin down a specific reason for these changes, find a moment to stop and be still. take a few deep breaths. 

as you're breathing, what do you feel?  is the fatigue or sense of being "dull" concentrated anywhere in your body?  if you're an energy worker, scan your physical and energetic bodies. what energy centers need attention? 

once you've identified the "holes", use your intuition to "plug" them. there are many ways to do this; choose the method(s) that speak to you:

• anoint yourself with a protective or cleansing oil/perfume. a frankincense & myrrh blend is good for just about anything.
• carry protective gemstones - either as jewelry or loose stones (e.g., tiger's eye, hematite, tibetan quartz, rose quartz).
• cleanse, re-empower or bless consecrated jewelry/talismans and wear them. 
• pray.  many scriptures speak of protection and the Divine's role as a shield. 
  you could also say something like: i ask that any personal energy that is NOT being used to fulfill my highest destiny or serve my greatest good be purified and returned to me, so i may use it to... [state your goals/intent or the healing you need. close your prayer in your usual fashion.]
• meditate. focus on the places that feel compromised.  affirm and strengthen those centers with the appropriate sounds, colors, or mantras/chants.

may you be well and stay well...and may the care you give to others always be an extension of the love you offer yourself. asé.

synergetic synthesis

a few years ago, i consciously began the process of synthesizing the parts of myself i'd either scattered far and wide, or pushed into obscurity.

many of us split ourselves this way, for various reasons.  for me, there were times when this scattering happened in the name of protection, but more often it was simply to fit in, feel normal {whatever that is}.

in a general sense, some folks become aware of these splits, then try to gather in the disparate parts.  others allow the soul-shards to wander--at best never fully actualizing their full potential; at worst, fearing and hating the manifestation of those aspects in others.  sometimes people will even project that hatred outward.

in any case, if you've been reading along for awhile, you know how often i've used this space to speak on the process of re-integrating my self back to myself.

during my morning prayers, i cried--tears of frustration, longing, mourning.  but those tears made way for an important realization: today, i'm probably more fully integrated than i've been since childhood. i still have moments when i wonder how i'll be received, but i no longer fear myself or my power.

i took a deep breath and stood securely in the knowing that people, places, and circumstances of my life  always adjust to reflect my state of being.  as long as i follow the patterns and heed the signs, things run smoothly.   there is no reason for this phase to be any different.

gotta keep moving...
[again]

fear, loathing, spiders and breakthroughs

today i'm remembering that fear often stands in front of the wisdom we need.

now, i'm too stubborn and proud to let anything "scare" me for long.  i'll hide and cry for a little while, but i quickly get tired of myself.  eventually, i'll crawl out, take a deep breath, and bulldoze over whatever had the nerve to frighten me in the first place.

generally, this works.

but not with spiders.

i've been terrified of spiders my entire life.  there was no horrible incident or movie that did it.  it just was.  they show up in dreams, and i scream until i wake myself up.

as a child, i would wake my father--something of a cardinal sin in our house, given his work schedule--to do it for me. he was always very compassionate about it.

if i had to deal with my mother, she'd click her tongue and chastise the phobia. she was into the "you're bigger" and "they're more afraid of you" method, but it didn't work. size didn't matter, and if they were so scared, how come they didn't move like birds when i made loud noises or waved my arms? 

if they show up in my house, that's a wrap. if someone else is there--particularly a man--i have them stomp the ferocious insect out.  'cause, you know, it takes me forever to find something large/long enough where i don't have to be right in its face to kill it.  and i can barely look at it to verify its demise, but i have to in order to be at peace.

god help me if i swat at it and it jumps. or runs away so i have no idea where it is. 

i've been known to spend a night somewhere other than my bed after a failed squashing attempt.

yes, it's that serious.

i feel awful about this fear, particularly given my general indifference towards most other insects (i.e., i don't really like 'em, but they don't frighten me).  i often beg forgiveness before i smash them, aware that many cultures see spiders as good, helpful bugs and spiritual messengers.

i know grandmother spider is here to help me.  we've talked.  i know she wants to show me how to weave all my selves, gifts, and ideas into a self contained whole.  she's resourceful, living anywhere.  she's strong, and so is her web.   i've already been bitten.

who do you think taught you to make connections, weave thoughts? when you expand and your aura easily stretches across at least half a dozen pathways, who else do you think could have shown you that?

some of my greatest fears have been of my power, rooted in the notion that if i were to truly delve into myself, my deepest desires, dreams and ways of being, that'd be too much for this this existence.  i already feel alone enough; i need to be normal. 

as soon as i found writings speaking of spider as expansion, i understood a little more about my fear. 

even so, i've been floundering for some time, and, frankly, i'm tired of it.

i am more aware of my gifts than i've ever been, but i struggle with creating a cohesive whole. 

i know i need to center myself and begin weaving.

for me, in this lifetime, grandmother spider stands at that gateway.  if i'm going to pass through and gain the wisdom i need, she must be given her due.

*deep breath*

may the lessons be gentle.  and the apparitions few.

the year of living single {part 3}

{if you're just joining us...part 1 and part 2}

being forced to dwell in the "inbetween" for so long and in so many respects has proven to me that precision, appellation, and specificity are not always the paths to understanding.

the japanese say flaws make things more beautiful. wabi-sabi.

there's also some quote floating around about the value in a cracked thing being its ability to allow light in.

that's how this phase of my life feels.

it is perfectly all right if things are incomplete, complicated, or blemished.  i can allow them to enter, sit with them awhile, then release them without committing myself to mending, untangling, or polishing.

in part,  the relationship has not emerged because i'm examining the beauty of the uncertain interim--and enjoying it.  the purpose has not arrived on a white horse, backed by fanfare and bearing gifts--at least not yet.  but nearly every day, i have a new strength to boast about. 

no matter what glittering temptation comes my way, my higher self and the entities that guide my steps and light my path give me the resolve to say "no" (or "yes"...) with perfect peace. 

i listen, and i am rewarded. 

that is in the agreement i made in orun.

i am wise enough to stick with what works, and refute what does not.

that is my gift.

marked

i've noticed that folks seem mesmerized, surprised, wary or otherwise curious about my serpent tattoo.

i understood the issues that might arise around the design when i was led to it, particularly since it's my most visible tattoo to date.  i thought about how the snake's gotten a bad rep in this culture, what with the whole temptation of eve thing, yadda yadda. to be honest, i'm grateful i haven't gotten many outright inquiries from strangers.

still, serpent's story goes much deeper than eden, particularly for african and other indigenous people, and i knew it went much deeper for me.  

if you've been reading for awhile, you know i've written about my spiritual relationship with serpents. in the last few years, that understanding has widened and deepened, and all i can do is stand in gratitude for its role in my evolution.  

over the years, i've learned that serpents have always been friends of the goddess, symbols of sacred wisdom, rebirth, and resourcefulness.  when you consider the development of the major three western religions and what they needed to suppress in order to spread, flourish, and--let's face it--control, you can understand why the serpent had to be denied its prominence. 

Healthy snakes usually have little or no difficulty with shedding and tend to shed their skins in one entire piece. Exceptions to this include snakes with injuries to the skin and/or scales resulting in scarring, and snakes housed in enclosures with suboptimal temperature and/or relative humidity levels.


The stresses associated with shedding can be substantial. Sick snakes, those suffering from malnutrition, or those whose health has been directly or indirectly compromised by poor husbandry experience delayed and incomplete sheds. These snakes tend to shed their skins in pieces. In fact, many of the pieces remain adhered to the underlying skin and eyes (retained eye caps).


The shedding process is preceded by a period of relative inactivity. This period usually lasts 1-2 weeks, during which time the eyes begin to exhibit a dull, bluish-white appearance. During this period, the snake's vision is impaired, which causes them to be rather unpredictable and sometimes aggressive. The skin during this period tends to have an overall dull appearance. The underlying new skin is soft and vulnerable to damage while the outer layers prepare to slough away. (source)

...now think about that symbolically, emotionally; what it would mean to manifest this lesson while inhabiting a human form.

this is the gift in studying animals you are attracted to or that show up in your dreams.  it's what should always be in the back of your mind while you're watching pbs or enjoying "shark week".

refuse to stop at the "scientific" level.  go deeper.     

snakes--although worthy of respect because of their potential danger to humans--are not any more evil than any other creature. they are bearers of a particular kind of wisdom, as are all animals. that is why we all share this earth-space.

our four-legged, scaled and winged relations are living, breathing illustrations of nature's beauty, diversity, and conscious design--just as humans are.  

examine what you've been taught to demonize.  question what you idolize.  you might surprise yourself.

odun mi (my year)

new year's eve was full of prayers and desire-renewing.

much of the eclipse list i started in the summer of 2008 is still being fulfilled. and, apparently, the stars are lining up in my favor.

given the trials and challenges of the last couple of years, that is certainly welcome news.

i have known deep pain and heights of pleasure.
i have learned and taught.
i have struggled and endured.

every up seemed to have a down...mirror reflections everywhere. nothing was easy.  i often felt like i had to steal fun or a moment to breathe.

when i asked five goddesses to guide me through 2010, they replied:

• synthesis {gyhldeptis} - a frequent presence in my recent readings. this is an ongoing challenge for me, but one i finally feel comfortable facing. i immediately recognized it as the "hub", or fifth card. the other four i consider resting in the four directions.
• ecstasy {eurynome} - this is core to my being. spiritually, emotionally, physically.
• pleasure {hathor} - also core.
• embracing the shadow {inanna} - another ongoing  challenge. but i am stronger in this than i've ever been.
• creativity {ix chel} - i am more at peace with my gifts than i have been since i was a child/adolescent, and i seek to continue that. 

so that's that.

happy new year.

iba shango

...with love & gratitude for all your blessings, love & protection. ase o.


Alaafin, ekun bu, a sa
Alaafin, (the king of Oyo) snarls like a leopard and the people run away

Eleyinju ogunna
One whose eyeballs glow like charcoal

Olukoso lalu
Olukoso, the famous one of the city

A ri igba ota, segun
One who uses hundreds of cartridges to win victory in war

Eyi ti o fi alapa segun ota re
One who used pieces of broken walls to defeat his enemies

Kabiyesi o
We honor you

Ase
So be it.

(oriki & translation from roots & rooted)

south bronx / the south south bronx

cocoa bread sweet, quick tongued jamerican boy with pretty brown skin and soft, black locs...

you met us through a mutual friend, and soon you were hanging out in our dorm rooms and buying us liquor before we could get it ourselves. we invaded your off campus apartment, giggling and tipsy from cheap vodka and hours of dancing.

you asked me to twist your hair when you couldn't get home to your sister. when i said i didn't know how, you told me the skill was in my blood. you leaned back between my knees as i dipped my fingers into the sticky beeswax and spread it over your new growth.

you were right after all...

we always flirted, cuddled and played, making everyone wonder. it took some time before we actually tried each other out--you had friends and i had friends...

but, one night when i was alone and feeling a little less than innocent, i got you to skip a friend's housewarming to keep me company. the rest was history.

we made a pact to never let our play get in the way of our friendship. and it didn't.

i remember your mary jane and tea in the mornings and that pretty mouth at night. when he broke my heart, you took me in and held me through my tears.

after we were all done with school, you came for a visit...then i never heard from you again. by then, my locs were just past my shoulders, yours nearly to your waist.

years later my mother found the picture of us you took for your photography class: you with much shorter hair, me with much straighter hair. you sitting straight up on the sofa, me reclined against your chest. our arms intertwined, complexion contrast enhanced by the black and white film.

it sits in my living room still.


(SW: if by any chance you read this, please get in touch...i pray you're well & think of you often. hope you got the hell outta boston. i miss you & our friendship.)

(addendum, 2.2011 - found him. *smile*. happily married with 2 cute kids.)

mister music

our first date was like a dream: dessert, a long walk in a hidden park. we literally talked all night, then made love at sunrise.

there were also stolen kisses between sets. the shutters in your apartment that struggled to hold back the sun. pomegranates on christmas eve.

at your place, the night usually started and ended with music. i learned the arts of the perfectly soulful lullaby and wake up call. it was fun browsing your stacked milk crates--laughing at the kitschy samples and marveling at the classics.

there was a warmth between us, but we never fell in love. never got around to commitment, arguments, misunderstandings.

but you kept on playing me records. maybe that was your way of remembering...

back to birthing

had visions of butterflies this morning...

i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.

i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.

i feel good.
and i'm grateful.

iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides

ase o

self love #5

typically the "self love" posts are more about imagery than words, but inspiration led me to take some good but "too hot for blogger" shots, so i won't be going there.

but i can say that i gained a new appreciation for the ridges and ripples my lovers enjoy.

i got a view of my tummy that made me want to kiss it.

i learned that maybe i shouldn't be so critical of the slope of my breasts; they look very different from outside angles.

my thighs aren't as fat as i think they are.

twisted and turned a certain way, i am full of mountains, valleys, hills and waterfalls.

one shot put me in mind of a melting golden candle.

so, yeah. it's good to be me.

blossoming

i feel like i'm having more interesting conversations with more interesting people.

the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.

it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.

it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?

we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.

the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.

2009 is going to be a very compelling year.

lights, camera, action (breakdown pt. 2)

i've been thinking along these lines again...

all last week, before the cold grabbed me, i'd been feeling like i really needed to cry, let loose. but it's extremely difficult for me to release without a catalyst. crying often requires a logical progression of carefully controlled environmental factors.

i tricked myself into all this a long time ago. as a good little girl who didn't want to get anyone into trouble, i got exceptionally good at hiding my pain.

i had rules:

• if you must cry, only cry when you know you're utterly alone.
• if you're caught, say it's about something else.
• talk to the dolls, your angels, and god.
• breathe deeply. inhale the tears.
• in a pinch, push it all down into your stomach (note: remember not to eat for a few hours after this trick)

all that sort of thing.

not only did i get good at hiding my feelings from other people, i became proficient at hiding them from myself. i learned that it could be hard to hide the tears when i couldn't stop the ugly thoughts rushing through my mind. sometimes i had to get up early. or stay up late. i didn't have time.

mostly, i just put my fingers in my ears and refused to listen. and more of that stomach-pushing.

occasionally i took it out on a boyfriend or lover, or cloaked it in a dream like haze to take the edge off. the most benign option: find a way to fictionalize it and write it out.

these were my survival tactics and, as such, have been difficult to relinquish.

the very idea of letting go, showing weakness--even when i'm alone--can terrify me.

some part of me is stuck in time, holding back that huge dam of black water that threatens to overtake and kill me if i let it out.

but i know better.
the water's been drained, purified, redirected, released.
the pain is not what it was.
i am not who i was.

lately, these kinds of revelations are coming in waves. i know it's part of a push to revert me back to my true(st) self, but even that's laced with fear. it's a self i don't quite remember.

i cannot begin to explain how difficult it is to consciously remember what i was "before". i used to think my cloudy memories were simply a manifestation of how i process information. now i wonder if it's really a symptom of the neutralization of so many powerful, life-altering feelings.

hm.

apparently, when i was younger, i used to say i wanted to grow up to be an actress.

it'd be interesting to see what i could do on a stage with all this real-life training...

overflow...

i walked in hoping i'd be able to get down some thoughts and feelings, but i can't seem to form the words yet. everything is just too amorphous and full of pure emotion and feeling...

but i am happy
and grateful.

the universe is conspiring to revert me
to my fuller-than-full,
brazen hussy,
flirtatious,
bliss-creating,
pleasure-loving self.

...and i am ecstatic.

gratitude list #1539827

too many ups & downs lately...time to think on some of the things that keep me up...

health
ori mi
strength
herbal tea
knowing
chocolate!
intuition
songs like this and this
essential oils
the coven/prayer circle
love
my womb
water
egbe mi
friendship
patience
my familiar
good books
good movies
florida water
friends who make awesome gift boxes
ile mi
right-on-time phone calls & emails

one month

mid-december
get the usual approaching moon time signals, no big deal. go on about life, thinking i'll be doin my thing in a week.


late december
nothing happens. blame the solstice (they usually throw me off a few days)
feeling a little off, breasts hellishly achy
realize i haven't had a period since late november...


new year's day
take (another) pee test 'cause the ones with the crosses were too confusing.
get those two lines.
surprise, surprise.


jan 2
return to work. make gyn appointment.
won't know shit (for sure) til the 17th.


jan 12, afternoon
can't wait, take the 2nd pee test (week + 4 days later...anything hormonally-related would cause it to flake...).
two lines again. darker this time.
some spotting in the afternoon, which i know can be a big deal...or not.
try not to sweat it since there's no pain.


jan 13, evening
the worst cramps i've ever had in life (two aleve didn't do the trick. can't walk. wanna throw up).

more bleeding. scared as hell.

i'm @ my mom's & have to play it off like the cycle from hell 'cause we already decided not to say shit til about 3.5 mos. in, for various reasons.

finally make my way home at almost midnight.


jan 14, morning
still bleeding, but cramps have finally stopped.

go to the bathroom...

pass something that i know had to be some part of what caused those two lines.

no more sore boobs. no more queasiness (til later).

skip work, but gotta keep it together...got a plane to catch...


jan 17
was supposed to be the big day...confirmation. finally.

snow kept me from the doctor's office, but a phone call left me feeling helpless.

after i explained, was gently told there wasn't a lot they could do. no need to reschedule unless i have other symptoms.

i sniffled a bit when the bleeding started, but now it really hits me:

i could have been a mama. and now i won't be.

~~*~~*~~

epilogue
i'm ok with it. we weren't planning on it, and the timing could definitely be better. but this experience has strengthened me, in many ways. i'm actually happy to know i can conceive--something i've never been completely sure of and, given my maternal family's medical history, worried silently over.

i am grateful to my ori for never steering me wrong & the ears to hear.
i am grateful to the ancestors for standing with me & giving me this lesson.
i am grateful for the orisa watching over me and guiding my life.
i am grateful to honey for being such a loving, gracious man.
i am grateful to the coven for their prayers and support.
i am grateful to my ile for the same.

i am grateful for the strength to tell this story, because i didn't think i'd be able to.

i am grateful for my body handling this with such power and grace and, in turn, putting my mind in its place ("me, pregnant? oh HELL no...i can't deal with _______!!!" lol)

ase.

maferefun esu...

modupe, esu, for helping me through. may you always open my roads towards peace, progress, and elevation. ashe.

i was told there would be days like this...

it was a rough week, and it's not quite over yet. but i remain empowered by the knowledge that this change is real, it's happening, and i have manifested it for myself. it is meant for me, and it will be glorious. i have nothing to worry about, and all the craziness will pass.

pms has been another challenge; a difficult to navigate power surge working on some deeper-than-usual levels. i've been uncomfortable and tired, and there are very few people i'm interested in speaking to. i probably just need peace and rest. i am trying very hard to be attentive to and respectful of my cycles; if i need to hide, i need to hide. nothing wrong with that.

i really don't know what i want to do with the evening. i need to do laundry, but i'll probably wind up lighting a bazillion candles and reading some cards or something. maybe editing.

the only person i could tolerate in my space right now is honey, and he's out of town on business.

so...that's that.

edit: after some thought, i've decided to give myself a pedicure, watch whatever came from netflix, and get some shea butter up in the 'fro.

listen up & pay attention...

why our 'flaws' are beautiful

...the quotes around "flaws" are mine 'cause i don't really see them as flaws.

that scar is a survival story.
wrinkles are the mark of a crone.
in parts of africa, gapped teeth are considered a beauty mark.

and so on.

amen & hallelujah to these women for flaunting what they "shouldn't".