today it dawned on me that i've broken my singlehood record; i've been unattached for an entire year. before now, the longest stretch has been nine months.
ultimately i'm grateful for this time. i've learned a lot.
i am stronger and resourceful than i imagined myself to be.
i am self contained--not in the sense of being a recluse or pure selfishness. i mean that i am full in myself, in my being. i am ok with me. i am whole. i knew i loved myself, but now i understand that love far beyond the general concept of possessing healthy self-esteem.
i have deepened my self-love into a full, palpable reality. i know just how far i can wrap my arms around myself--literally and figuratively. there is comfort in that; an untapped well of power i never knew existed.
of course there are moments when i wish things were different. case in point: a huge cricket managed to find its way into my kitchen this morning. i hate insects. i abhor jumping insects. but i had to take care of it, because the cat was only dallying with it, and life had to go on.
physical intimacy is sporadic, at best.
an activity partner you can count on is a nice plus that i miss. a friend maintains that the best thing about being married is that you "always have someone to do stuff with." in some respects, i'm inclined to agree.
i don't always feel like doing my dishes, cooking for myself (or only cooking for one), rubbing my own feet, or taking in the groceries. it'd be nice to have someone to supply me with new outfits, shoes, pedicures, and various other pamperings. i certainly wouldn't be mad if a light bill or two was taken off my hands.
still, i am grateful that i can do these things. i've gained a superpower in turning "chores" into acts of self love and blessing. initially, that was an act of self-preservation in the face of soul-ache and heartbreak, but the attitude change stuck, and it's been a wonderful thing.
i know who my friends are. my family is a rock. i've learned to lean on spirit and my intuition in ways that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
and maybe that's been the point.
i'm still gonna work on conjurin' up that love i desire. but i'm determined to have a ball 'til he gets here.