gateway women

tonight i discovered gateway women, a blog geared towards childless women.  i think i'll be a frequent visitor.

the author is in her late 40s and from the UK, but i'd recommend it for anyone well into their 30s that isn't quite sure if things are gonna "work out" in the marriage/relationship/kids department.

she's definitely spoken to many of the things i've felt and thought over the last few years, but haven't seen written anywhere else.  in my head, i've started referring to them as single people problems.

from the "founder" page: 

Right now, there’s a whole generation of women who aren’t in the right relationship and can’t afford to have a baby ‘by themselves’ (even if they could face it).  Professional, educated, intelligent, capable, loving, emotionally-intelligent hard-working women. Women who’d be fantastic mothers. But it’s not looking like it’s going to happen. Where the hell are they supposed to take their bewilderment, their grief, their rage at how things have worked out?  They’ve followed the script our culture set out: worked hard at school, gone to university, built a career, tried to build relationships with men based on mutual respect and decency.  And where has it got them?

Gateway Women supports those women in the tunnel: those women still hoping that they’ll ‘manage’ to have a family. They’re just not sure how. Or with who. Or when. Or who’s going to pay for it…

Gateway Women sets out to challenge the ideas around identity and motherhood that are often at the heart of much unhappiness when the ‘baby story’ doesn’t work out, and to help women find their nomo mojo...  It is liberating, empowering, exciting and transformational work.

in speaking with a couple of friends tonight about feeling invisible, they mentioned the possibility of me being some kind of pioneer, similar to Jody referring to us as a group of women that (statistically speaking) hasn't existed before.

i can't say it's an exciting "first", but it's good to know i'm not alone.

required reading

read this.

it's less than 30 pages.

DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT $200

just go and read this, right now.

then allow yourself to at least think about what it says.

you can thank me later.

depletion

i felt that i should list sorely missed things that i have ceased or nearly ceased to do for myself, whether the cessation was due to money, time, stress or plain forgetfulness.

hopefully this will help to hold me accountable and snap me back into compliance. within reason, anyway.

• yoga
• full self-rubdowns with shea butter
• exfoliating showers (all you need is cornmeal, honey and a little water. make a paste with the cornmeal and honey. add water until it's spreadable. use as a scrub. you're welcome)*
• self-induced g-spot 'gasms
• splurges on jewelry/music/clothing/shoes
• lingerie for no particular reason
• more to come...

*forgot to shout out my girl dopegirlfresh for the ill homemade scrub formula.

who's really queer?

i enjoy it when i can turn a pity party into something more conducive to discussion, so here goes.

so the dominant culture values monogamy and nuclear family, right? it's "good" for a man and woman to partner and have kids with clear paternity, etc. you form your unit and that's supposed to be enough. forever.

but if you're really, fully attracted to the gender opposite your own--for the sake of clarity, i'm only dealing with bio cisgender male/female dualistic gender dynamics at the moment--then wouldn't the inclination be to surround yourself with that opposite? whether you're monogamously partnered or not, wouldn't you tend to have fewer friends of your own gender?

i've always preferred the company of men, and i've always attracted male friends easier than female ones. in many cases physical intimacy never entered into it. when it did, it wasn't always a defining feature of the relationship, simply an expression of caring or some level of mutual affection/attraction that waned in its own time.

(sidebar: it'd be nice if more people could suspend their fears of sleeping with "just a friend". it can be a fantastic experience.)

now that i'm way past any sort of college social scene and entering my 30s, it becomes very difficult to meet men i can be friendly with without the fear of being misconstrued.

i realize that i'm able to blur the lines between friendship and loving fairly easily, but that others don't necessarily share that skill. learned the hard way. so, often, i find myself imposing all kinds of dams and walls just to keep things on a level that's easily understood. but that becomes exhausting, so i've simply stopped trying.

the consequence? more monotone--but clear, carefully constructed--relationships and a bit of a social shutdown. not to mention some measure of loneliness.

i miss my men.

that said, i've always been intrigued by women/men that envelop themselves with their sistafriends/boys--single or not--and wondered how attraction plays in to that.

i'm aware, to a degree, of the dynamics of women-identified-women, whether or not they happen to have sexually intimate relationships with women. however, it's interesting to me when a woman's partner seems to be one of few men they can stand, or their relationship is a convenient place to bear/raise children, but spiritually, socially, emotionally...it's all about their circle of women. same with men who find it imperative to be surrounded by their "boys" a good measure of the time.

are these varying shades of non-sexual/amorous identification part of what "queer" means?

wouldn't that make us ALL queer?*

maybe i'm just polyamorous at heart?

labels almost always suck, but when you start thinking about it, being truly "straight" seems to wind up being the outlying identification.

(sidebar 2: puts you in mind of how white european culture dominates when asian, african and other people of color make up the majority of the world. by the numbers, "pale people" should be an identifying phrase instead. how's that for a parallel...)

which brings me to another point. maybe folks are so unnerved by glbtq people because they're saying out loud what the culture wants to keep quiet--that it's really unnatural to relegate oneself to same-sex or similarly coupled friends and sexual frustration forever more.** the difference being that glbtq coupling is "wrong" since its primary goal may not be the (biological) production of people.

can't you just see all the shades of patriarchy, consumer capitalism and authoritarianism swimming underneath all this? ugly, ain't it?

what i do know, accept and love about myself is that my womanist, goddess-loving, grrrl power spirit finds some of its fullest expression in the adoration and sensual freedom i enjoy with my men.

while my political and social lenses allow me to appreciate, respect, and embody sisterhood, they do not urge me ever closer to my sisters on those emotional/spiritual/social levels i spoke of earlier--although those moments are necessary and renewing.

those eyes actually make me swoon that much more when i can rest in the arms of a strong, intelligent, secure, broad-shouldered, sensual, sweet-smelling man.

to each her own, i suppose.


*i don't mean to imply that i would appropriate that distinction, understanding the political importance of those kinds of distinctions at this juncture; i only use it to prove a point. still, it's good to understand that, in a heterogeneous culture, normality is arbitrary...

**this is NOT to support the ideology that somehow people are not meant to be monogamous, or that men cannot be "tied down", etc and so on. people should honor whatever commitments they've made to their partners and if they cannot, they should leave. deception ain't cool. but since so many people are pushed and pressured into boxes that don't fit, lies and deceit are the natural consequences.

queen of swords

i never wanted to be that card. but it seems to keep coming up for me.

a woman who is desirable, attractive, intelligent...but distrustful. love's always nearby, but somehow doesn't work out. surrounded by children with none of her own.

the loves of my life--both of them--are ill and potentially dying.

i've made all the peace i can with that, but there are days when i honestly don't know what i'm going to do if at least one of them doesn't make it.

most of my life i've been told i'm meant for some vague something special above and beyond the basics, but sometimes all i want is to be somebody's partner, somebody's mama.

i never thought a higher purpose would mean that i'd never have someone to love when psychologically and biologically i wanted it most. that my only babies would be my journals, notebooks, blogs and the words i throw to the wind.

if you've had the experience of birthing a child, you're among the luckiest folks in the world to me right now. it's why i hate to see so many of us raising them so traumatically that they often kill each other. or grown folk blowing them to shreds (literally) without a second thought.

i'm grateful for my mind and what comes from it, but i never thought that would be all i have.

i didn't plan on being alone with these dreams.

i didn't think my heart would always be either full to bursting or on the verge of breaking.

i don't want to be the queen of swords.

but i don't know how not to be.

balancing act

sometimes i feel like it's too much work for me to take care of me.

if i focus on the house, my diet suffers.
a bad bout of pms, and my house goes to hell. (eating habits, too)
if i go on a pampering binge, laundry doesn't get done.

etc and so on.

i know i've been emotionally spoiled. i.e., when a tangible, profound exchange of love and loving is not happening in my life, i notice it. blame the comfort and security of my childhood.

i know that there are far worse things to be, know, and long for. i'm not knocking my blessings. my ori wisely chose this path, probably so i would not have to struggle through all sorts of psychological and emotional trauma.

however, for most of my adult life, i've been able to easily replace that familial loving with some very dynamic lovers, suitors, paramours, and the like.

i don't think that will be as easy now.

it takes more to get me open than it did at 18 or 23, and that's as it should be.

but i still miss the love.
what can i do about that?

then again, i also miss my disposable income, energy, and yoga classes.

there's gotta be a happy medium.

catharsis #1

trying to figure out how to get out of this funk...

part of it has to do with railing against the boredom.

i need to get back on my prayer schedule.

monday's a full moon. time to get some obstacles out of the way.

an extended fast is in order. i've been avoiding any kind of cleansing because i've convinced myself that i don't have the energy/power to keep it up. that's a lie.

the once-a-week fasting went really well for awhile, but stress and annoyance got me off track. i've been sporadic (at best) for weeks.

i've also gotten sloppy about keeping up the other end of the bargain: sticking to vegan/natural foods when i break the daytime fast. now i just go home and pig out. not ideal.

i need to be clear, but i understand that part of me doesn't want to deal with the energy of clarity. i think i've been afraid of what i'll discover, need, want, or realize if i stay on that level too long.

it's something of a misguided protective mechanism; it's extremely difficult for me to resign myself to sitting here day in and day out when i'm functioning optimally. better to sedate myself with cookies and sit here half awake. the illusion of physical hunger keeps me focused on something other than my goals. i've probably always been a little too resistant to change for my own good.

been thinking more about bodywork lately, but that's another sort of heartbreak. i still feel like i'll make a living at it. one day. but that doesn't change the fact that i need money i don't have to get started.

i can't decide if i would rather go into debt to get licensed and hustle from there, or if i should just get my ducks in a row now so i'll be free & clear later.

...well, maybe that's not so difficult. free and clear sounds much better to me. i'm not a good hustler.

i need to move my body. i have to find a way to fit yoga back into my schedule/budget. find a dance class. been saying it for months now, but i really need to make it a priority. i'm certain that my lack of movement is contributing to this feeling of stagnation. moving my body and keeping my energy aligned will whip my mental and spiritual faculties into shape.

there's so much more to this...

i have to become unafraid of opening the floodgates.

repression leads to extremes of implosion and explosion--modes i want to avoid.

i need a way to scream, cry, release. i haven't given myself space to do that. sometimes i don't know if i remember how to.

there has to be a way to vent frustration and progress at the same time.

blissful

well...

i got to leave work early friday

got back in the kitchen sunday

spent some time with honey

treated myself to a few things

saw the godkid play baseball

...not a bad weekend.

i have to start doing.

i need to get busy with something...something for me.

there's a shift in focus happening. i'm starting to look at me, and i'm realizing that "me" isn't doing too well.

i'm coming out of a external focus coma. it's probably time for a little holistic selfishness. lately i'm seeing that my capacity for that has been severely compromised.

i spend far too much time sitting around waiting for things to happen. i keep foregoing things that i want to do or see because i feel like i shouldn't have to do or see them alone.

i'm always looking behind me, waiting to see what's coming up behind me in the distance.

i'm tired.
i'm not happy.
i don't laugh enough.
it's almost as if i don't get enough air. like i can't breathe anymore.

but i'm afraid. i don't want to go back out there all by myself.
yet...being inside & alone is much worse.

i've picked up some bad habits.

i seemed to get a little of the old spark back a few months ago...and now it's faded again. i'm not sure why.

i know there are some really big blessings coming my way, so i'm going to put one foot in front of the other and head towards them. everything else be damned.

everything will work out.
it's all in divine order.
i will be kept whole.
it's going to be all right.

i just have to keep that in mind every day, all the time.

today i am grateful for the clarity that hides behind the pain.