random blog #128390

it's been a weird couple of days.

time is still blurring hopelessly. it's all i can do to keep myself on task at work. i won't even speak on the house. even coworkers have expressed a general difficulty keeping focus this week.

last night i came home to a disturbed house and barely got to sleep.

the squirrels are in the kitchen walls again. i know they can't get in--and even if they did, they'd have the cat to deal with--but the scratching is maddening.

i'm back to thinking about moving, but will the money be there? probably only if i get that second job...

i have a cake to bake.
twists to redo.
a new goddaughter to see.
bills, bills, bills.
i need some water.

the snowflakes were pretty this morning...

i think i need a break. maybe run to the bank and the grocery store. i want to scrub the kitchen floor and do a quick spiritual cleanse of the whole place. burn more incense. i think i'll feel better then.

today

...is one of those days when i feel held together by gossamer fairy wings, radish beams and duct tape.

somehow i wound up leaving the house, basically only because i couldn't think of an excuse good enough to warrant not coming in to work (damned work ethic...), despite feeling like my soul was caving in.

the ancestors said they were gonna get me through the day, so i'll have to trust in that. right now, it's the only thing keeping me upright anyway.

rambling

there's a lot to write and nothing to say all at once.

the week's been a long one, even though i decided on tuesday that i wasn't going to go in on friday.

i'm holding on to the peace and meditative stillness i enjoyed last week. it hasn't been easy, but only because i'm no longer surrounded by flowers and green, growing things. i can feel the absence of nature and how the earth is still sleeping on this side of the continent. still, i'm grateful that the feeling has stayed with me.

as i walked to "lunch" (it was 4pm, so i suppose that's more an early dinner...), a cute dude on a bike smiled at me. i got that instantaneous tingle that happens when a man looks at me, really looks at me, and i see something in him i know i could like. it's been awhile.

so spring's in the air after all.

being able to do something as simple as walk with my coat open and a light scarf gave me an intense amount of joy.

still fighting the good fight as far as the dairy's concerned, although i didn't realize that the delicious noodles i had this afternoon would have an egg dropped in. i had a burrito, too--which, mind you, was not overly cheesy. there was also crab rangoon on sunday. i was just being willful then. but that's the first cheese i've had in weeks, and i have been making conscious choices to avoid it whenever possible.

next week i'll start phase 2 of the purge/cleanse. by then, the pre-cycle cravings and hunger should have subsided.

i have noticed that i no longer breathe very deeply. i don't remember when it started. when i notice, i consciously take a deep breath. it doesn't feel like quite enough, but it's a step. that's going to be a process.

i also don't laugh as loudly or as long as i once did. i need to find things and people that help me with that.

...see? lots to say...about nothing.

but i'm also trying to get back to the words, and you gotta start somewhere...

fish out of water

preparing to fast forces introspection.

now that i've done it a few times, no matter how long it's been, the very intent to purge and renew--particularly when i'm long overdue for it--pushes me to focus in surprising ways.

case in point: the house has been a mess for weeks. work had me in and out of town all through january, and i simply had neither the will nor the way to get myself or my space together--some shrine maintenancce notwithstanding. i'm sure that the miscarriage (which still feels unreal...) had something to do with that as well.

in any case, i finally picked up my bedroom last night, changed the linens, etc. i still need to remove the random books from the side of the bed.

but once the space was clear, i felt the need to do a few things.

a full moon will arrive towards the end of my cleansing. my intention is to renew the practice of burning obstacles on the full moon and giving thanks/filling space on the new moon. this serves to fine tune and clear my ori, putting me in a better position to work with my traditional shrines and maintain an overall sense of well-being.

in preparation, i wrote out my stumbling blocks and put a couple of prayers on the back of the paper. i left the list on the goddesspace with guadalupe, covered in stones (quartz, moonstone, aquamarine).

working with the goddess cards was another enriching exercise. some ancestor must have been a card reader, because i have fallen in love with them and my tarot deck...i am so glad my intuition led me to begin that learning. but i digress.

the response to my first question, what do i need to know about my womb?, wasn't surprising. selfhood--personified by artemis--is the ultimate goal. i need to renew and rediscover myself. find out who i really am now, and what she wants.

duuuuhhh....

consequently, i've also been feeling very protective/insular about sex. rarely am i so protective when i'm functioning in relationship...or maybe i'm more removed from that than i realize? skimming through sacred woman, queen afua's words resonated: "if the womb has been damaged in any way, a woman's level of creativity and inspiration, stability, success in relationships and fertility levels is potentially impaired."

i am wounded. i require healing. i'm owning that.

responsibility also showed up. i wrote:

i do accept responsibility. i have lingered on distractions too long, dealt with some of the wrong foods, etc. i have not given my body [or spirit, for that matter...] the appropriate breaks. i have not honored the wild, free parts of me. i have lost my way.

next, i asked, what are the signs of healing? the answer: justice (ma'at) for my wild/wise woman, creativity, and assertion and fullfillment of my sexual/sensual needs. i need to feel, be surrounded in sensation; i need to be inspired--things i've been saying for months.

i need to have a temper tantrum, then examine what gets tossed around. figure out what's broken for good and what can stay.

i know my relationship with honey isn't going to give me that in the megadoses i need. i don't know how honey will hold up through all of this, but i'm trying not to worry over that. i will never be satisfied if i keep falling into the trap of trying to scour his depths and mine simultaneously--at least when i'm not well.

my usual partner in these matters, cosmo, is too wrapped up in his own healing/reorientation and unavailable to me. and if he were available, i'm not sure i would want to deal with the fallout of wrapping myself around him.

this journey is a solitary one. i can deal with that, but it's not what i'm used to, particularly when i'm already feeling like i've lost community in so many ways.

to be continued. as always.

...keep reading the list...

one day the clarity won't terrify me...

i'm in one of my stubborn moods.

i refuse to eat right.
or drink enough water.
i won't do any yoga.
or cook the right foods.

'cause i just don't wanna be that clear.

but...
next week when all is said and done
and i have time to rest
and renew
i'll also probably do some cleansing
and breathe
and reset myself.

amalgam

first things first: i love this post. and this one.

ok. now what?
hm.
i'm not sure. that's what i've been asking myself the last couple of days.

bored to tears.
praying for positive change.
preparing for the retrograde & new moon.
trying to hear all the voices in my head--and give them form.
suffering fools.
still aware.
undersexed and underinspired.
growing.

...and god only knows what else.

saul is providing an elusive muse-y vibe to life at the moment. thank you, mr. williams.

i'm not upset. or even distressed. just me outlining my limbo.

i'm confident in the knowledge that sango has me in his sights. i've heard you, baba. i'm trusting you to get me through.

giving thanks

i've found that this can serve as an immediate cheer-me-up or, at least a getting-thru-the-day.

after being violated, stolen from, getting bad news from several sources, and being exceedingly stressed out--all within the last 2 months--i really need to be grateful for something in order to balance out what i feel i've lost. so.

friends who double as prayer partners
my warriors & their protection which surrounds me and my home
family
geico! (they really are great. lol)
ile mi
fresh fruit...especially sinfully sweet, juicy nectarines
oyin
vacation time
sympathetic cats (thanks, 'dare)
geles in all their manifestations
omi tutu
rental cars & free upgrades
netflix
paper moon diner
the way he always lets me cry on his shoulder
summer
cool breezes
french fries
the understanding that things are just that, and can be replaced
moon cycles & the power they bring

show of strength

some days it's amazing that i find a way to keep from screaming.

i can't believe that i'm not sitting here in tears, babbling like an idiot.

i don't know if this is strength, or stupidity.
probably survival.
i do need a job, after all.

but this is one of those days i have to hold my breath.

on my way to work, i almost got caught up in the breeze and the sunshine and the brilliance of the trees...not to mention cassandra's voice on the stereo...

and i had to stop it.
suck it all in.
hold back the poems trying to bubble up,
hold back the instinct to find a spot to pour libation and pray,
refuse to dance to the drums playing in my head.

because i knew i had to come in here, and i haven't figured out how to balance ecstacy and professionalism just yet.

obatala, keep my head cool.

today i am grateful for sunshine, laughter, jasper, and just the right song at just the right time.

burnout

i need a break.

i've come to realize that bliss comes in moments when i'm not at work, and don't have to worry about going to work for at least 48 hours. but as soon as i know i need to go back...

he's got a hell of a battle ahead of him.
there are no words i know that can convey how much i love him.
i want him to be ok.
but my ok and god's ok might be very different.

i'm tired of money issues.

i'm tired of working so hard at love that i forget how to play at it.

i feel like i haven't truly relaxed in weeks. the baths and prayers aren't working like they used to.

i don't want to run away from my problems.
i want time and space to regroup so i'll have the strength to face them head on.

i want to feel at peace.
i want to breathe.

liberation

there are times when i feel like i have to suck myself in...create a vaccuum to preserve my integrity.

there are so many words/thoughts/ideas/conceptions entering my mind i rarely feel like i'm at rest. there's always something else trying to be born.

i find myself longing for an extended period of bliss. experiencing somewhere new and different where all i have to worry about is my next smile...listening to the wind and feeling out the rhythms of trees.

heaven would be soaking my spine in the sun and exfoliating the soles of my feet with sand.

for now, i suppose i can work with a cup of green tea, a few deep breaths, and a brief libation to my ori.