this summer's venus retrograde sparked a few revelations...and thanks to a rare astrological event destined to hit pisceans especially hard, my saturn return has lasted well into my 30s.
about 3 or 3.5 years ago, someone pushed the reset button on my life. i left my spiritual family, my relationship finally, fully died...much of what i'd been working towards for the better part of a decade slipped away.
i don't regret any of it; it all had to happen. but it was still a lot to deal with. i spent the first year sleepwalking, getting by as best i could between the pain and the anger.
in the last 18 months or so, things finally started to bear fruit. i achieved my dream of becoming a Reiki master, and my spiritual life blossomed in wonderfully unexpected ways. i am grateful for my new spiritual family, and honored that i'm still welcomed by the one i left.
perhaps most improbable: i can speak to my ex again. that one snuck up on me.
so i should be ecstatic, right?
well, part of me is.
there's more, though.
i need to create space to breathe, live, love, laugh. i need to feel, deeply. revel in corporeal joy...eating well, spending time in nature...
and, often, i need it to happen in a way that is not driven only by me.
i know i needed to learn how to do it "alone", but i never thought it would go on this long. gradually, people i knew got busier, kids were born, marriages and relationships happened and un-happened...and i've just been plugging away at...me.
if i needed to talk something out, it was difficult to express "single people problems" in a way that didn't seem selfish, navel-gazing, or unimportant compared with the concerns of folk who are married and/or partnered, particularly with children.
soon i realized the comparison was the problem. why give myself problems i don't have? of course my challenges are different--i'm simply in a different situation.
i suppose some would see a kind of paradox in declaring i desire a partnership without making the pursuit of one my alpha and omega. frankly, i'd rather devote my energy to creating the life i long for.
you know that whole thing about shooting for the moon, so that even if you miss, you're still among the stars? well, if i take the best care of myself now, my love will be a welcome complement and support to a content, whole, confident and blissed-out woman.
and if "the one" doesn't show, that's still a damn good space to be in.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
8.19.2012
the singlehood chronicles #10: 2 years later
i fit "the demographic": never married, over-30 Black woman.
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
6.29.2011
an (un)likely story: from abuse to healing
TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of sexual abuse, molestation, sexual coercion, self-mutilation. the triggering text is noted by border lines.
if you need immediate help or resources for these issues, skip the text, and scroll down to the bottom border.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{note: i encourage you to share this as you deem necessary. i only ask that you please do so in full--including the trigger warning--and with proper credit. thank you in advance.}
if you need immediate help or resources for these issues, skip the text, and scroll down to the bottom border.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{note: i encourage you to share this as you deem necessary. i only ask that you please do so in full--including the trigger warning--and with proper credit. thank you in advance.}
6.02.2011
3.27.2011
married to myself*
today i read this from brotha kefentse on facebook:
a powerful statement, and a worthy ideal.
for most of my teens (yes, teens) and twenties, i was a serial monogamist. not so much because i was encouraged to be...that's just the way life went. in my mid-twenties, i entered a relationship that lasted for most of the next six years. one i thought would lead to marriage, kids, the whole deal.
obviously, it didn't.
as i approach my mid-thirties, i wonder almost daily if i'll marry at all.
it's not a desperate wondering. i am not lonely, nor do i feel unloved. i've enjoyed the experiences i've had since my relationship ended. but there are times when i consider the positive aspects of our situation--our common ideas, the way we dreamt about building some kind of community center or gathering place where youth and elders could come to learn and teach--and wonder if i'll share those kinds of visions with another.
since then, i have come to relearn the sort of effortless, nurturing, protective love that he often was unable to provide. but i am also far less interested in bearing children.
when i think about kefentse's statement, i also consider that the major issue i've come across has not been a lack of love/loving or even commitment, but an inability to see, name, and heal the traumas that keep us from sustaining whole, nurturing relationships with one another.
to my knowledge, my ex's fidelity was never in question. he constantly and consistently told me he wanted a life with me, that he loved and cherished me. but there were some key elements missing in making that a reality--much of which had to do with an unexamined, unhealed past. these are the things that are hamstringing quite a few "good brothas" out here.
it took me quite some time to see and learn the patterns he exhibited and to understand what was happening. and it took a little longer to realize that that was not the kind of foundational work i wanted to do in order for our love to live. he was not ready. i had to go.
now, i've reclaimed my dreams. i'm putting things back together, slowly, but deliberately. i am measuring my steps.
i have also learned that love will always, inevitably, find me. but it remains to be seen whether or not i will have the kind of partnership kefentse talks about. gaining it would require a level of focus and attention that, frankly, i'm putting into myself, my destiny, and my evolution--and, for me, that feels right.
if there is someone meant to fit into that picture, whose energies align with my own, so be it.
*for now, anyway.
African people don't play the dating game. We marry with the foundation of spirit and responsibility. We procreate with the idea of generational progress and nation building. We love with the actions of nurturing & protection. Either you are in it to win, or you are playing games with not only your "girlfriend" but yourself as well.
a powerful statement, and a worthy ideal.
for most of my teens (yes, teens) and twenties, i was a serial monogamist. not so much because i was encouraged to be...that's just the way life went. in my mid-twenties, i entered a relationship that lasted for most of the next six years. one i thought would lead to marriage, kids, the whole deal.
obviously, it didn't.
as i approach my mid-thirties, i wonder almost daily if i'll marry at all.
it's not a desperate wondering. i am not lonely, nor do i feel unloved. i've enjoyed the experiences i've had since my relationship ended. but there are times when i consider the positive aspects of our situation--our common ideas, the way we dreamt about building some kind of community center or gathering place where youth and elders could come to learn and teach--and wonder if i'll share those kinds of visions with another.
since then, i have come to relearn the sort of effortless, nurturing, protective love that he often was unable to provide. but i am also far less interested in bearing children.
when i think about kefentse's statement, i also consider that the major issue i've come across has not been a lack of love/loving or even commitment, but an inability to see, name, and heal the traumas that keep us from sustaining whole, nurturing relationships with one another.
to my knowledge, my ex's fidelity was never in question. he constantly and consistently told me he wanted a life with me, that he loved and cherished me. but there were some key elements missing in making that a reality--much of which had to do with an unexamined, unhealed past. these are the things that are hamstringing quite a few "good brothas" out here.
it took me quite some time to see and learn the patterns he exhibited and to understand what was happening. and it took a little longer to realize that that was not the kind of foundational work i wanted to do in order for our love to live. he was not ready. i had to go.
now, i've reclaimed my dreams. i'm putting things back together, slowly, but deliberately. i am measuring my steps.
i have also learned that love will always, inevitably, find me. but it remains to be seen whether or not i will have the kind of partnership kefentse talks about. gaining it would require a level of focus and attention that, frankly, i'm putting into myself, my destiny, and my evolution--and, for me, that feels right.
if there is someone meant to fit into that picture, whose energies align with my own, so be it.
*for now, anyway.
12.03.2010
love energy
i was listening to an awesome radio show yesterday, and one of the hosts touched on the depth (or height, as it were) of the sacred energies created by a man and a woman dedicated to sacred relationship.
while i was glad there was no outright disparaging of same sex couples, it made me think of the energy i've observed with those relationships.
a few disclaimers: i'm staying within the binary because that's generally been my experience, at least to outer understanding. also, i'm speaking from the standpoint of energy, not person-to-person dynamics as such. in other words, this is about what my "antenna" pick up when i strip away the "stuff" and get to the essence of the thing. finally, for brevity's sake, i'm sticking to monogamy.
i agree that man/woman complements create the highest vibration in the sense of creation, since this is the coupling where physical creation takes place. this is how the energy of loving comes together to create new, actual people. of course, that serves a crucial purpose.
womyn complements form an energy of creation in a different sense--art for art's sake, in a sense. there is an intimate, deep knowing, and a safety rarely seen in man/woman complements--with the possible exception of elder couples who have spent most of their lifetimes together. womyn together seem to craft this space in far less time and at a younger age.
complements involving two men form a cone of strength and manifestation. they emit amazing degrees of actualization, determination, drive and power. it is almost like being near the sun. i wonder if it is this drive, particularly when manifested by black men in relationship, that makes folks so uncomfortable. because, you see, black men aren't supposed to be or do anything. put two of them together and in love, and...yeah.
this is why i've come to consider any intimate relationship rooted in a spirit of love, reciprocity, respect, and mutual benefit as sacred, regardless of how the people in that relationship identify themselves. it takes all kinds of energy to keep the world going 'round.
sidebar (or, blog 1.2): one of my major concerns is that there is an emphasis on tossing non-hetero relationships into the realm of abnormality or dysfunction--in ways both subtle and overt--with absolutely no analysis around the quality of relationships themselves.
yes, the "hedonistic gay man" can be a problem, but so can the straight "pimp/playa". making all hetero relationships automatically "ok" is highly problematic for its own reasons (see: marital rape apologia, domestic violence, and the acceptance of wholesale child abuse). we have to become more aware of these dynamics so we do not fall into dangerous, false hierarchies that keep us separate from and oppressing one another.
while i was glad there was no outright disparaging of same sex couples, it made me think of the energy i've observed with those relationships.
a few disclaimers: i'm staying within the binary because that's generally been my experience, at least to outer understanding. also, i'm speaking from the standpoint of energy, not person-to-person dynamics as such. in other words, this is about what my "antenna" pick up when i strip away the "stuff" and get to the essence of the thing. finally, for brevity's sake, i'm sticking to monogamy.
i agree that man/woman complements create the highest vibration in the sense of creation, since this is the coupling where physical creation takes place. this is how the energy of loving comes together to create new, actual people. of course, that serves a crucial purpose.
womyn complements form an energy of creation in a different sense--art for art's sake, in a sense. there is an intimate, deep knowing, and a safety rarely seen in man/woman complements--with the possible exception of elder couples who have spent most of their lifetimes together. womyn together seem to craft this space in far less time and at a younger age.
complements involving two men form a cone of strength and manifestation. they emit amazing degrees of actualization, determination, drive and power. it is almost like being near the sun. i wonder if it is this drive, particularly when manifested by black men in relationship, that makes folks so uncomfortable. because, you see, black men aren't supposed to be or do anything. put two of them together and in love, and...yeah.
this is why i've come to consider any intimate relationship rooted in a spirit of love, reciprocity, respect, and mutual benefit as sacred, regardless of how the people in that relationship identify themselves. it takes all kinds of energy to keep the world going 'round.
sidebar (or, blog 1.2): one of my major concerns is that there is an emphasis on tossing non-hetero relationships into the realm of abnormality or dysfunction--in ways both subtle and overt--with absolutely no analysis around the quality of relationships themselves.
yes, the "hedonistic gay man" can be a problem, but so can the straight "pimp/playa". making all hetero relationships automatically "ok" is highly problematic for its own reasons (see: marital rape apologia, domestic violence, and the acceptance of wholesale child abuse). we have to become more aware of these dynamics so we do not fall into dangerous, false hierarchies that keep us separate from and oppressing one another.
11.22.2010
singlehood chronicles #8
i am still stuck on this:
i know it's not enough for me.
sometimes, the "close, but no cigar" moments leave me just as despondent, heartbroken, and sore as a ended relationship would. still, like crunktastic, i find myself asking, "what would i have otherwise?"
sometimes i feel brave, loving how i can, where i can. but when i get frustrated, the part of me that needs one true, real love feels like i'm selling out.
i'm still trying to reconcile those selves...balance the needs with the wants, the reality with my dreams.
the only thing i'm sure of is that it has to be a sin that we cannot love better than this. that freedom, intelligence, and depth seem to make you a lonelier woman, rather than a cherished, genuinely sought after one.
thus sayeth my moment of vulnerability.
*re-armors and picks up sword*
i'm still a soldier.
Over the weekend, I got to hang out with some CFs in Atlanta, all single, or kind of single, and primarily straight. Each of us found ourselves in varied states of relational ambivalence: loving or liking someone who doesn’t quite love (or like) you back, at least not in the way you deserve; fearful of trying to date again after years of disappointment and failed expectations; and recovering from heart break or at least deeply hurt feelings. Yet, we are all also unapologetically pragmatic about getting our needs met even when conditions prove non-ideal. As a pragmatist, I had to ask, “is it feminist to remain in a situation where you aren’t getting what you need or want, but you are at least getting something?” What I heard was a collective groan, as we all thought it through. And then after that, a painful, collective, and resolved sigh.
No, probably not. But it is what it is...
And IT is the condition in which we find ourselves. Perpetually alone. Needing love, needing companionship, needing sex. But willing to settle for less than, if only for a moment, even as the sermons, feminist and otherwise, play in the background. Is love enough? In the lonely moments of an otherwise full life, love definitely seems like the solution, like the stitching that turns a beautiful piece of fabric into the form-fitting number that accentuates the best parts of yourself. For all of us who don’t have the love that we so desperately want, it most definitely feels like enough.
But is it really?
i know it's not enough for me.
sometimes, the "close, but no cigar" moments leave me just as despondent, heartbroken, and sore as a ended relationship would. still, like crunktastic, i find myself asking, "what would i have otherwise?"
sometimes i feel brave, loving how i can, where i can. but when i get frustrated, the part of me that needs one true, real love feels like i'm selling out.
i'm still trying to reconcile those selves...balance the needs with the wants, the reality with my dreams.
the only thing i'm sure of is that it has to be a sin that we cannot love better than this. that freedom, intelligence, and depth seem to make you a lonelier woman, rather than a cherished, genuinely sought after one.
thus sayeth my moment of vulnerability.
*re-armors and picks up sword*
i'm still a soldier.
11.17.2010
singlehood chronicles #7
a few nights ago, i realized there was some (digital) evidence from my last relationship lying around. as i destroyed it, i became keenly aware that that was the last time i was loved.
it's not that i want to go back. or pick up the phone. hell, i don't even get sentimental for the good days. in fact, i don't remember very many details except what comes in brief, random flashes.
but...i do remember that i was loved. and i loved back. i was connected to someone. connection is natural to me. easy.
my entire life, i never doubted that i would have a partner, someone to walk through life with. it wasn't that i was overly concerned with having a husband...it was more than that--a birthright, a way of being. later, when i learned how shamans and other spiritual people worked in spousal teams, i saw a new dimension in the relationships that offered that level of connection, and i longed for a partner i could work with spiritually.
fairly recently i read something about people with libra ascendants having an "urge to merge" that they need to translate into serving others.
i think that's bullshit.*
the older i get, i become less sure that i'll have much energy to do anything without a serious love beside me.
loving fuels me. it is my air; it is my food. the security and safety inherent in a good relationship, in the best love, does wonders for me. it enhances the way i move through the world.
i only need one.
and i have no idea where he is.
*serving others is NOT bullshit. at all. but to arbitrarily suggest my "soul work" is to throw myself into serving and ignore my need for intimacy and relationship is...questionable at best. and then there's this...
it's not that i want to go back. or pick up the phone. hell, i don't even get sentimental for the good days. in fact, i don't remember very many details except what comes in brief, random flashes.
but...i do remember that i was loved. and i loved back. i was connected to someone. connection is natural to me. easy.
my entire life, i never doubted that i would have a partner, someone to walk through life with. it wasn't that i was overly concerned with having a husband...it was more than that--a birthright, a way of being. later, when i learned how shamans and other spiritual people worked in spousal teams, i saw a new dimension in the relationships that offered that level of connection, and i longed for a partner i could work with spiritually.
fairly recently i read something about people with libra ascendants having an "urge to merge" that they need to translate into serving others.
i think that's bullshit.*
the older i get, i become less sure that i'll have much energy to do anything without a serious love beside me.
loving fuels me. it is my air; it is my food. the security and safety inherent in a good relationship, in the best love, does wonders for me. it enhances the way i move through the world.
i only need one.
and i have no idea where he is.
*serving others is NOT bullshit. at all. but to arbitrarily suggest my "soul work" is to throw myself into serving and ignore my need for intimacy and relationship is...questionable at best. and then there's this...
10.13.2010
love/thought bursts
i am stretching in ways i could not have anticipated; new superpowers emerge daily.
i did not explicitly ask for this (or maybe i did), but i'm remaining grateful for the journey.
interestingly, i used to be completely focused on working to open my heart, to heal and accept love/loving as it arrived in my life. i refused to let the pain overtake me or steal my joy.
today, i'm constantly aware of how heavily fortified my heart is...not from hurt and shame, but because i gave my heart to someone who dropped it. from a very high height.
all those years of opening led to another closing; an understanding that i can only make myself available to someone with much steadier hands. until he appears, the fort has to stay in place.
it isn't ideal, but it works.
i know precisely what i'm dancing around; i am keeping time with the music and measuring my steps.
i know loving fully and deeply again will not be easy for me, but i will face the new openings and fears when they come.
the right partner, the right loving will give me the strength.
i did not explicitly ask for this (or maybe i did), but i'm remaining grateful for the journey.
interestingly, i used to be completely focused on working to open my heart, to heal and accept love/loving as it arrived in my life. i refused to let the pain overtake me or steal my joy.
today, i'm constantly aware of how heavily fortified my heart is...not from hurt and shame, but because i gave my heart to someone who dropped it. from a very high height.
all those years of opening led to another closing; an understanding that i can only make myself available to someone with much steadier hands. until he appears, the fort has to stay in place.
it isn't ideal, but it works.
i know precisely what i'm dancing around; i am keeping time with the music and measuring my steps.
i know loving fully and deeply again will not be easy for me, but i will face the new openings and fears when they come.
the right partner, the right loving will give me the strength.
8.27.2010
the year of living single
today it dawned on me that i've broken my singlehood record; i've been unattached for an entire year. before now, the longest stretch has been nine months.
ultimately i'm grateful for this time. i've learned a lot.
i am stronger and resourceful than i imagined myself to be.
i am self contained--not in the sense of being a recluse or pure selfishness. i mean that i am full in myself, in my being. i am ok with me. i am whole. i knew i loved myself, but now i understand that love far beyond the general concept of possessing healthy self-esteem.
i have deepened my self-love into a full, palpable reality. i know just how far i can wrap my arms around myself--literally and figuratively. there is comfort in that; an untapped well of power i never knew existed.
of course there are moments when i wish things were different. case in point: a huge cricket managed to find its way into my kitchen this morning. i hate insects. i abhor jumping insects. but i had to take care of it, because the cat was only dallying with it, and life had to go on.
physical intimacy is sporadic, at best.
an activity partner you can count on is a nice plus that i miss. a friend maintains that the best thing about being married is that you "always have someone to do stuff with." in some respects, i'm inclined to agree.
i don't always feel like doing my dishes, cooking for myself (or only cooking for one), rubbing my own feet, or taking in the groceries. it'd be nice to have someone to supply me with new outfits, shoes, pedicures, and various other pamperings. i certainly wouldn't be mad if a light bill or two was taken off my hands.
still, i am grateful that i can do these things. i've gained a superpower in turning "chores" into acts of self love and blessing. initially, that was an act of self-preservation in the face of soul-ache and heartbreak, but the attitude change stuck, and it's been a wonderful thing.
i know who my friends are. my family is a rock. i've learned to lean on spirit and my intuition in ways that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
and maybe that's been the point.
i'm still gonna work on conjurin' up that love i desire. but i'm determined to have a ball 'til he gets here.
ultimately i'm grateful for this time. i've learned a lot.
i am stronger and resourceful than i imagined myself to be.
i am self contained--not in the sense of being a recluse or pure selfishness. i mean that i am full in myself, in my being. i am ok with me. i am whole. i knew i loved myself, but now i understand that love far beyond the general concept of possessing healthy self-esteem.
i have deepened my self-love into a full, palpable reality. i know just how far i can wrap my arms around myself--literally and figuratively. there is comfort in that; an untapped well of power i never knew existed.
of course there are moments when i wish things were different. case in point: a huge cricket managed to find its way into my kitchen this morning. i hate insects. i abhor jumping insects. but i had to take care of it, because the cat was only dallying with it, and life had to go on.
physical intimacy is sporadic, at best.
an activity partner you can count on is a nice plus that i miss. a friend maintains that the best thing about being married is that you "always have someone to do stuff with." in some respects, i'm inclined to agree.
i don't always feel like doing my dishes, cooking for myself (or only cooking for one), rubbing my own feet, or taking in the groceries. it'd be nice to have someone to supply me with new outfits, shoes, pedicures, and various other pamperings. i certainly wouldn't be mad if a light bill or two was taken off my hands.
still, i am grateful that i can do these things. i've gained a superpower in turning "chores" into acts of self love and blessing. initially, that was an act of self-preservation in the face of soul-ache and heartbreak, but the attitude change stuck, and it's been a wonderful thing.
i know who my friends are. my family is a rock. i've learned to lean on spirit and my intuition in ways that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
and maybe that's been the point.
i'm still gonna work on conjurin' up that love i desire. but i'm determined to have a ball 'til he gets here.
7.11.2010
2.14.2010
an unorthodox valentine
i've heard just about every compliment a woman would want to hear. and they were sincere...
i appreciated them all, whether musings on my intellect, my physical attributes, or something inbetween.
more than just sweet-talked, i have been genuinely loved, admired, sought after.
some stayed a few weeks, others a few years.
i'm grateful for the love i've had.
but, today, i'm longing for the love i've yet to find...
i appreciated them all, whether musings on my intellect, my physical attributes, or something inbetween.
more than just sweet-talked, i have been genuinely loved, admired, sought after.
some stayed a few weeks, others a few years.
i'm grateful for the love i've had.
but, today, i'm longing for the love i've yet to find...
1.30.2010
an open love letter
a little something for the future...
addendum: this is pretty much the blueprint, prototype, standard operating procedure, and everything inbetween. i'm not saying i'm gonna make it required reading on the 3rd date, but...yeah.
addendum: this is pretty much the blueprint, prototype, standard operating procedure, and everything inbetween. i'm not saying i'm gonna make it required reading on the 3rd date, but...yeah.
12.12.2009
an exercise in restraint
i've done a bit of meeting and greeting lately. feels good. i am grateful for the confidence and clarity it's brought. plus, i haven't done deep visualization in a long time, so it's been catalyzing.
it's also reminded me how impatient i can be in the "will he/won't he call" stage.
typically, i don't mind doing a little legwork if i think the guy's worth it. if you want something, go get it, right?
since i'm nearly always operating from my intuitive, heart-self and not my head, i often see and am attracted to said potential. therefore, my natural inclination is to give them what they need without deep regard as to whether or not they are able to return the favor. i always get the basic, "decent guy" packaging, so they are at least willing to try to reciprocate.
unfortunately, where i can get ocean-deep, they often flounder. and that's when things fall apart. so i've decided it's probably better to step back and let them show themselves first.
now more than ever, i am totally focused on cultivating intentionality in my relationships--even in the beginning stages.
love can come and will be reciprocated as applicable. i'm open to that. and i'm still gonna get mine when i want it. however, there will be no commitment without real, tangible outcomes, and i have no problem stating that very clearly.
you want me? that's sweet. prove it.
over the last thirteen years, i've learned three big lessons: first, there's a thin line between mysterious, creative depths and the masking of unearthed and unacknowledged pain. second, if i need a crowbar and forceps to approach your psyche, it's not gonna work. third--and probably most important--a well-rehearsed melange of coping and defense mechanisms is not a personality.
lots of really "nice guys" have all that going. in spades.
so, yeah. i'm ready to hop back on the merry-go-round.
...just understand that i am heavily armed.
it's also reminded me how impatient i can be in the "will he/won't he call" stage.
typically, i don't mind doing a little legwork if i think the guy's worth it. if you want something, go get it, right?
since i'm nearly always operating from my intuitive, heart-self and not my head, i often see and am attracted to said potential. therefore, my natural inclination is to give them what they need without deep regard as to whether or not they are able to return the favor. i always get the basic, "decent guy" packaging, so they are at least willing to try to reciprocate.
unfortunately, where i can get ocean-deep, they often flounder. and that's when things fall apart. so i've decided it's probably better to step back and let them show themselves first.
now more than ever, i am totally focused on cultivating intentionality in my relationships--even in the beginning stages.
love can come and will be reciprocated as applicable. i'm open to that. and i'm still gonna get mine when i want it. however, there will be no commitment without real, tangible outcomes, and i have no problem stating that very clearly.
you want me? that's sweet. prove it.
over the last thirteen years, i've learned three big lessons: first, there's a thin line between mysterious, creative depths and the masking of unearthed and unacknowledged pain. second, if i need a crowbar and forceps to approach your psyche, it's not gonna work. third--and probably most important--a well-rehearsed melange of coping and defense mechanisms is not a personality.
lots of really "nice guys" have all that going. in spades.
so, yeah. i'm ready to hop back on the merry-go-round.
...just understand that i am heavily armed.
11.22.2009
"attraction" versus lesson-learning
lately it seems that many folks are clinging to the "you attract who/what you are" argument, particularly with regard to relationships.
i always want to interject with a, "yes, but...".
instead, i let it slide.
this is when it's great to have a blog.
from where i sit, "you attract who you are" is a vast oversimplification at best. at worst, it's a dangerous thought trap in a society that already does far too much victim blaming.
of course it sounds perfect. you keep meeting jerks? well, you must deserve it on some level. keep finding mates who beat you? guess you need to get a black eye every now and then...but we all know it's not that simple.
i will concede this point: low self esteem leads to disastrous intimate relationships. this is clear. whether it's because you keep letting this one clean out your bank account or put up with the other's neglect hoping for a better day, if you don't believe you deserve the best, you won't get it.
on the other hand, what about the folks taking advantage of these self esteem issues? where is their responsibility? what healing do they need? in a perfect world, those in need of some gentle uplift would be supported until they were ready to enter into relationship, appropriate emotional responses and boundaries intact. instead, we have a predator/prey model that has folks ducking for cover, even if they might never be privy to the more extreme manifestations of the problem.*
in my understanding, interactions with others are lessons. people enter your life for a reason, and your walk together speaks to that, whatever the outcome. how many times have you heard about a relationship that should have been perfectly blissful, but wasn't because one or both parties were not doing the necessary work? that's a lesson.
to use my own example, i didn't "attract" my last relationship because i hadn't done my work, although i definitely learned about a few tender spots in our time together. it's likely he entered my life because i had started to feel i was ready for "the one". same with him.
the difference? i continually worked to be and maintain readiness and was open about my process; he worked in his own mind and shut me out. i had the tools to deal with our issues and mine when they arose; more often than not, he didn't.
then there's the money and success angle. i.e., you can't have "broke" friends if you're tryin to ball. well, my answer to that would be, "what does 'broke' mean?"
i can tell you right now, i don't think i have one materially rich friend. but i have many friends and acquaintances who are billionaires in heart, spirit, intellect, and character. i wonder how difficult it would be to find those qualities if i decided to go out and get some financially secure friends. trust me, i've been around my nouveau riche, upwardly mobile peers, and i couldn't stand them. i had very little in common with them on any level, even though i grew up middle class myself.
just goes to show what gets rewarded these days.
in a time and place such as this, with so many supposed quick fixes and instant solutions, you don't often hear about the deep work of healing. those of us committed to that path will often attract those in need of healing and must be ready to draw the appropriate lines in the sand. one way to avoid sending out homing signals to the wounded is to get very, very specific about what we ask for.
so, instead of "you attract who you are", i would offer that it's more accurate to say, you get what you ask for, consciously or unconsciously--which i have always seen hold true.
if that's what the "you attract..." crowd really means, great. i just cringe a little when i think of what hearing that does to the most vulnerable hearts among us, and how it lets some bullies off the hook.
*e.g, someone who's afraid to date 'cause everyone's a potential serial killing, sti-bearing, low down cheating monster according to the nightly news and dateline nbc exposés. never mind that these elements may not even be a significant factor in their communities.
i always want to interject with a, "yes, but...".
instead, i let it slide.
this is when it's great to have a blog.
from where i sit, "you attract who you are" is a vast oversimplification at best. at worst, it's a dangerous thought trap in a society that already does far too much victim blaming.
of course it sounds perfect. you keep meeting jerks? well, you must deserve it on some level. keep finding mates who beat you? guess you need to get a black eye every now and then...but we all know it's not that simple.
i will concede this point: low self esteem leads to disastrous intimate relationships. this is clear. whether it's because you keep letting this one clean out your bank account or put up with the other's neglect hoping for a better day, if you don't believe you deserve the best, you won't get it.
on the other hand, what about the folks taking advantage of these self esteem issues? where is their responsibility? what healing do they need? in a perfect world, those in need of some gentle uplift would be supported until they were ready to enter into relationship, appropriate emotional responses and boundaries intact. instead, we have a predator/prey model that has folks ducking for cover, even if they might never be privy to the more extreme manifestations of the problem.*
in my understanding, interactions with others are lessons. people enter your life for a reason, and your walk together speaks to that, whatever the outcome. how many times have you heard about a relationship that should have been perfectly blissful, but wasn't because one or both parties were not doing the necessary work? that's a lesson.
to use my own example, i didn't "attract" my last relationship because i hadn't done my work, although i definitely learned about a few tender spots in our time together. it's likely he entered my life because i had started to feel i was ready for "the one". same with him.
the difference? i continually worked to be and maintain readiness and was open about my process; he worked in his own mind and shut me out. i had the tools to deal with our issues and mine when they arose; more often than not, he didn't.
then there's the money and success angle. i.e., you can't have "broke" friends if you're tryin to ball. well, my answer to that would be, "what does 'broke' mean?"
i can tell you right now, i don't think i have one materially rich friend. but i have many friends and acquaintances who are billionaires in heart, spirit, intellect, and character. i wonder how difficult it would be to find those qualities if i decided to go out and get some financially secure friends. trust me, i've been around my nouveau riche, upwardly mobile peers, and i couldn't stand them. i had very little in common with them on any level, even though i grew up middle class myself.
just goes to show what gets rewarded these days.
in a time and place such as this, with so many supposed quick fixes and instant solutions, you don't often hear about the deep work of healing. those of us committed to that path will often attract those in need of healing and must be ready to draw the appropriate lines in the sand. one way to avoid sending out homing signals to the wounded is to get very, very specific about what we ask for.
so, instead of "you attract who you are", i would offer that it's more accurate to say, you get what you ask for, consciously or unconsciously--which i have always seen hold true.
if that's what the "you attract..." crowd really means, great. i just cringe a little when i think of what hearing that does to the most vulnerable hearts among us, and how it lets some bullies off the hook.
*e.g, someone who's afraid to date 'cause everyone's a potential serial killing, sti-bearing, low down cheating monster according to the nightly news and dateline nbc exposés. never mind that these elements may not even be a significant factor in their communities.
10.24.2009
the case for true intimacy
when i was ill a couple of weeks ago, i thought to myself, "man, this is when it sucks to be single...no one to hug you, bring you soup..."
then i remembered the ex had never been there when i'd been sick anyway.
granted, i don't get sick often. regardless, he'd never nursed me beyond a sympathetic phone call or two. once when i had a bad cold, he brought me a bag of treats.
in six years, we'd developed no daily, weekly or even monthly rituals. we didn't have a song. pet names were used liberally--cute, but what did that really mean? a waitress at one restaurant came to recognize us, but we didn't have a place to call "ours", really. i hardly knew anyone in his family and never met his parents, although i finally came to know a few of his friends.
by all accounts, this was never about lying or cheating. he'd simply learned to wrap his life in neat little packages so that if anything happened, he could walk away, no hard feelings (for him). never mind what that did to me or us as a unit. in the end, he finally understood this, albeit too late.
i was a wreck for weeks, not because i wanted him or even missed his smile, but because i became conscious of what i'd lost by settling for a relationship so far below my understanding and experience of intimacy, affection and love.
even at times when i thought i should miss him, i found there was nothing to miss. he had given me so little of himself compared to what i had tried to give him.
deep intimacy was nearly always reduced to purely physical moments; towards the end, even those moments became rarer than usual. if we weren't fucking regularly, all the ugly gaps started to show, and nothing seemed to fix them. whenever the distance grew, i was the only one who seemed to know how to bridge it.
hell, even casual lovers need attention and cultivation. now, if i fuck you on the first date or what have you, i'm willing to deal with the fact that i might stir up your bullshit around "easy" women or simply confuse the hell out of you*, but if i catch a whiff of said bullshit, don't expect me to accommodate you.
at this stage in my life, i have no time for men who overthink to the point of complete inaction, who are full of fear or trapped inside their own insecurities and hangups. there will be no re-raising, coddling or praise for half-assed displays of affection.
i was "brave enough" to try to navigate all that once. no longer.
if you want me, let me know. i'll respond in kind.
if you leave me alone, i'll leave you alone. i'll show you i'm interested, but after that, the ball's in your court. play it, or not.
i've learned very well what hides behind intimacy issues**, and i don't need those demons visited upon me or my heart again.
*i haven't had this happen, by the way. on the rare occasion i have had the will and the opportunity to do this, the reaction of surprise/confusion is far more common, with the confusion stemming from the fact that i do so because i want to, and not in an effort to please and/or impress them. this is where women who do not own their needs/comfort levels are making it hard for broads like me...
**note that i'm not using the word "commitment", although i think folks often use that and "intimacy" interchangeably. from where i sit, everyone with commitment issues may have intimacy issues, but not everyone with intimacy issues has commitment issues. there are plenty of folks who can "commit" without doing a damn thing to deepen their relationship(s) with other human beings, typically because that's what they've been raised to do--i.e., if you love her, you gotta marry her and have babies 'cause that's what "proper" folks do...damn the fact that you don't know how to talk to her or even check in with yourself.
in my opinion, commitment means honoring whatever bond/agreement you have with a particular person(s) (e.g., remaining sexually monogamous). intimacy has to do with how you operate in relationship; a way to measure emotional health. can you touch/kiss/pleasure with ease? can you reveal yourself at appropriate stages in the relationship to help it grow? what are your triggers, and can you discuss these effectively with your partner? do you know how to be consistently present and emotionally available--whether or not you are physically present? shit like that.
then i remembered the ex had never been there when i'd been sick anyway.
granted, i don't get sick often. regardless, he'd never nursed me beyond a sympathetic phone call or two. once when i had a bad cold, he brought me a bag of treats.
in six years, we'd developed no daily, weekly or even monthly rituals. we didn't have a song. pet names were used liberally--cute, but what did that really mean? a waitress at one restaurant came to recognize us, but we didn't have a place to call "ours", really. i hardly knew anyone in his family and never met his parents, although i finally came to know a few of his friends.
by all accounts, this was never about lying or cheating. he'd simply learned to wrap his life in neat little packages so that if anything happened, he could walk away, no hard feelings (for him). never mind what that did to me or us as a unit. in the end, he finally understood this, albeit too late.
i was a wreck for weeks, not because i wanted him or even missed his smile, but because i became conscious of what i'd lost by settling for a relationship so far below my understanding and experience of intimacy, affection and love.
even at times when i thought i should miss him, i found there was nothing to miss. he had given me so little of himself compared to what i had tried to give him.
deep intimacy was nearly always reduced to purely physical moments; towards the end, even those moments became rarer than usual. if we weren't fucking regularly, all the ugly gaps started to show, and nothing seemed to fix them. whenever the distance grew, i was the only one who seemed to know how to bridge it.
hell, even casual lovers need attention and cultivation. now, if i fuck you on the first date or what have you, i'm willing to deal with the fact that i might stir up your bullshit around "easy" women or simply confuse the hell out of you*, but if i catch a whiff of said bullshit, don't expect me to accommodate you.
at this stage in my life, i have no time for men who overthink to the point of complete inaction, who are full of fear or trapped inside their own insecurities and hangups. there will be no re-raising, coddling or praise for half-assed displays of affection.
i was "brave enough" to try to navigate all that once. no longer.
if you want me, let me know. i'll respond in kind.
if you leave me alone, i'll leave you alone. i'll show you i'm interested, but after that, the ball's in your court. play it, or not.
i've learned very well what hides behind intimacy issues**, and i don't need those demons visited upon me or my heart again.
*i haven't had this happen, by the way. on the rare occasion i have had the will and the opportunity to do this, the reaction of surprise/confusion is far more common, with the confusion stemming from the fact that i do so because i want to, and not in an effort to please and/or impress them. this is where women who do not own their needs/comfort levels are making it hard for broads like me...
**note that i'm not using the word "commitment", although i think folks often use that and "intimacy" interchangeably. from where i sit, everyone with commitment issues may have intimacy issues, but not everyone with intimacy issues has commitment issues. there are plenty of folks who can "commit" without doing a damn thing to deepen their relationship(s) with other human beings, typically because that's what they've been raised to do--i.e., if you love her, you gotta marry her and have babies 'cause that's what "proper" folks do...damn the fact that you don't know how to talk to her or even check in with yourself.
in my opinion, commitment means honoring whatever bond/agreement you have with a particular person(s) (e.g., remaining sexually monogamous). intimacy has to do with how you operate in relationship; a way to measure emotional health. can you touch/kiss/pleasure with ease? can you reveal yourself at appropriate stages in the relationship to help it grow? what are your triggers, and can you discuss these effectively with your partner? do you know how to be consistently present and emotionally available--whether or not you are physically present? shit like that.
8.27.2009
last july, i was thinking... (an unreleased draft)
yes, i am fiercely independent. even as an infant i wouldn't let my mother hold me too long before i fussed to be put down.
i enjoy trying to get somewhere on my own before i ask for help--i'm not sure why.
maybe because i've always been assured of a safety net. i know help will be there if i really, truly need it, so i don't sweat the small stuff. or cry wolf.
because my heart was broken too early.
because, somewhere in there, i'm a warrior.
because i can.
better or worse, it is who i am.
over time, i've learned that's something a woman's not supposed to be. 'cause men need to be needed, you know. if they're not being big, bad wolfy providers standing guard at the door day and night, they just don't know what to do with themselves.
to hell with tenderness, time, passion, or pleasure.
to hell with getting to know me inside out
or learning to speak my langage (and teaching me yours)
or discovering my deepest needs and desires.
i mean, sure, you'll rake the lawn and wash the dishes without being asked...and i'm not knocking that. at all.
but it goes so much deeper...
i enjoy trying to get somewhere on my own before i ask for help--i'm not sure why.
maybe because i've always been assured of a safety net. i know help will be there if i really, truly need it, so i don't sweat the small stuff. or cry wolf.
because my heart was broken too early.
because, somewhere in there, i'm a warrior.
because i can.
better or worse, it is who i am.
over time, i've learned that's something a woman's not supposed to be. 'cause men need to be needed, you know. if they're not being big, bad wolfy providers standing guard at the door day and night, they just don't know what to do with themselves.
to hell with tenderness, time, passion, or pleasure.
to hell with getting to know me inside out
or learning to speak my langage (and teaching me yours)
or discovering my deepest needs and desires.
i mean, sure, you'll rake the lawn and wash the dishes without being asked...and i'm not knocking that. at all.
but it goes so much deeper...
8.14.2009
i saw love yesterday
...and it nearly stopped my heart.
it was so obvious and open.
somehow, when i saw those two people together, it slammed into me.
this is what was missing. this is what i've been hoping for.
it was so obvious and open.
somehow, when i saw those two people together, it slammed into me.
this is what was missing. this is what i've been hoping for.
8.08.2009
the split
self #1...ferociously protective of my space, time and energy, she is the warrior with the perpetually present blade. it is also perpetually sheathed, because she knows the one insolent enough to warrant seeing it will almost surely face elimination. this blade can take many forms...
she knows precisely when enough is enough. her eyes gleam with a razor sharp wit, and curses roll off her tongue like pillow talk--sometimes in anger, sometimes just because she likes the feel of them in her mouth.
she always knows exactly who and what is worth her time, and isn't shy about letting folks know when they've overstayed their welcome. but to those who respect her boundaries and her power, she is the most loyal friend/lover/supporter you could ever hope to have.
...i've come to think of her as my wild woman, my leo moon made flesh. she is the ever-purifying fire of change, evolution. the queen on her throne whose pleasure comes before all else.
self #2...sweetest thing this side of honeycombs and sugar cane. patient. it would be unfair to call her long-suffering, but her pain threshold is high enough to make her appear as though she is.
unwavering in love, her mantra is 1 corinthians, 13:1-10. she devotes herself fully to her beloved, willing to do anything to please him once she knows her feelings are returned.
she will endure long nights alone with a smile, strengthened by the hope that it will pay off in the end. love songs and gossamer dreams are more than enough to feed her when he's away.
time, her dreams, her sorrows...love makes them all irrelevant. her beloved is all she needs.
...this is my piscean sun, the source of my compassion and kindness. the self-sacrificial, spirit-loving priestess, focused on love and light.
the mediator: my overworked libra ascendant.
currently on the table (again): my relationship.
wild woman is ready to kick him to the curb. she's muttering that he's energy-draining dead weight, too neglectful, too much to learn. sure, he's fundamentally a good guy, but there are dreams languishing on the back burner. she's itching to start in on a complete life overhaul. if he can fit himself in the scheme of things, fine, but out of sight means out of mind, and she's starting to forget how she wound up in this mess in the first place.
of course, the mermaid isn't ready to let go. she's tied her coral heartstrings to him, so she's compelled to wait by the seashore, devoted as ever. she sees the roots of his flaws and wants to see him triumph over a painful past, no matter how long it takes. of course his ignorance and missteps pain her. she misses him when he's gone. but familiarity and comfort override all that--besides, if she cries a few tears, who'll notice? she's already sitting in the ocean...
the argument is draining all of me dry...
she knows precisely when enough is enough. her eyes gleam with a razor sharp wit, and curses roll off her tongue like pillow talk--sometimes in anger, sometimes just because she likes the feel of them in her mouth.
she always knows exactly who and what is worth her time, and isn't shy about letting folks know when they've overstayed their welcome. but to those who respect her boundaries and her power, she is the most loyal friend/lover/supporter you could ever hope to have.
...i've come to think of her as my wild woman, my leo moon made flesh. she is the ever-purifying fire of change, evolution. the queen on her throne whose pleasure comes before all else.
self #2...sweetest thing this side of honeycombs and sugar cane. patient. it would be unfair to call her long-suffering, but her pain threshold is high enough to make her appear as though she is.
unwavering in love, her mantra is 1 corinthians, 13:1-10. she devotes herself fully to her beloved, willing to do anything to please him once she knows her feelings are returned.
she will endure long nights alone with a smile, strengthened by the hope that it will pay off in the end. love songs and gossamer dreams are more than enough to feed her when he's away.
time, her dreams, her sorrows...love makes them all irrelevant. her beloved is all she needs.
...this is my piscean sun, the source of my compassion and kindness. the self-sacrificial, spirit-loving priestess, focused on love and light.
the mediator: my overworked libra ascendant.
currently on the table (again): my relationship.
wild woman is ready to kick him to the curb. she's muttering that he's energy-draining dead weight, too neglectful, too much to learn. sure, he's fundamentally a good guy, but there are dreams languishing on the back burner. she's itching to start in on a complete life overhaul. if he can fit himself in the scheme of things, fine, but out of sight means out of mind, and she's starting to forget how she wound up in this mess in the first place.
of course, the mermaid isn't ready to let go. she's tied her coral heartstrings to him, so she's compelled to wait by the seashore, devoted as ever. she sees the roots of his flaws and wants to see him triumph over a painful past, no matter how long it takes. of course his ignorance and missteps pain her. she misses him when he's gone. but familiarity and comfort override all that--besides, if she cries a few tears, who'll notice? she's already sitting in the ocean...
the argument is draining all of me dry...
2.26.2009
pissivity (1)*
MEMO
to: brainmass-clot-thingie (bmct)
from: o.
re: my honeybabysweetiecakes
bmct:
i fucking hate you.
i don't know where you came from, but you're not only fucking with his life, you're fucking with mine.
i know we had a rocky start, but six years and a whole lot of tears later, we've finally learned how to love each other. hell, he's marriage material, and i ain't even into marriage all like that.
then your ass shows up.
before, i couldn't plan on shit because of him. now i can't plan on shit because of you.
now, i'll give you credit for helping him get his mind right. we all know that staring down death can be a major catalyst in getting one's shit together.
but come the fuck on.
he's got a daughter to raise. she loves him, too. and, to be honest, she needs him a hell of a lot more than i ever could.
it'd also be nice if we could start our own family. all this time i've never really been sure about babies. too many loves that didn't go anywhere, too many broken hearts and missed chances. now here i am, 30 and counting, looking at the one person i could truly see fathering my children and what happens? you come and fuck it all up.
AND you've got the nerve to be a damned liar. the fuck? first he only had a year. then three months. then six. then he wasn't going to make it to his birthday. not that i want him to go, but dicking folks around 'cause you wanna be non fatally fatal is some total and utter bullshit.
you are a piece of shit and i hate you.
...but you've taken up residence in someone i love deeply, and i can't stand the thought of losing him. so i have to tolerate the knowledge that your ass is sitting there, waiting for...i don't even know what.
you picked the wrong one, though. he's strong, and he's not giving up. he's got a lot of people from a lot of walks of life praying for him. you're not gonna take him out of here easily. he's a warrior. guess you didn't bet on that. bitchassed cowards never do.
still, i needed to let your ass know that it's time to pack your bags and get the fuck outta dodge. i don't like you, i'm tired of the pain you're causing, and i want you to disappear. forever.
...just so we're clear, that means bowing out with no backtalk. don't be leaving him all fucked up like the doctors are always saying you might. no paralysis, no memory loss, none of that. least you could do for all this damned trouble.
our lives don't deserve to be on hold because of you--or anything, for that matter.
go back where you came from, motherfucker.
sincerely,
o.
*i didn't know this term had made it into the urban dictionary, but apparently it has. either way, this will be a series, as i have some anger to work out, and this is about as constructive as i can be about it.
to: brainmass-clot-thingie (bmct)
from: o.
re: my honeybabysweetiecakes
bmct:
i fucking hate you.
i don't know where you came from, but you're not only fucking with his life, you're fucking with mine.
i know we had a rocky start, but six years and a whole lot of tears later, we've finally learned how to love each other. hell, he's marriage material, and i ain't even into marriage all like that.
then your ass shows up.
before, i couldn't plan on shit because of him. now i can't plan on shit because of you.
now, i'll give you credit for helping him get his mind right. we all know that staring down death can be a major catalyst in getting one's shit together.
but come the fuck on.
he's got a daughter to raise. she loves him, too. and, to be honest, she needs him a hell of a lot more than i ever could.
it'd also be nice if we could start our own family. all this time i've never really been sure about babies. too many loves that didn't go anywhere, too many broken hearts and missed chances. now here i am, 30 and counting, looking at the one person i could truly see fathering my children and what happens? you come and fuck it all up.
AND you've got the nerve to be a damned liar. the fuck? first he only had a year. then three months. then six. then he wasn't going to make it to his birthday. not that i want him to go, but dicking folks around 'cause you wanna be non fatally fatal is some total and utter bullshit.
you are a piece of shit and i hate you.
...but you've taken up residence in someone i love deeply, and i can't stand the thought of losing him. so i have to tolerate the knowledge that your ass is sitting there, waiting for...i don't even know what.
you picked the wrong one, though. he's strong, and he's not giving up. he's got a lot of people from a lot of walks of life praying for him. you're not gonna take him out of here easily. he's a warrior. guess you didn't bet on that. bitchassed cowards never do.
still, i needed to let your ass know that it's time to pack your bags and get the fuck outta dodge. i don't like you, i'm tired of the pain you're causing, and i want you to disappear. forever.
...just so we're clear, that means bowing out with no backtalk. don't be leaving him all fucked up like the doctors are always saying you might. no paralysis, no memory loss, none of that. least you could do for all this damned trouble.
our lives don't deserve to be on hold because of you--or anything, for that matter.
go back where you came from, motherfucker.
sincerely,
o.
*i didn't know this term had made it into the urban dictionary, but apparently it has. either way, this will be a series, as i have some anger to work out, and this is about as constructive as i can be about it.
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