i'm coming to realize that the hurt hasn't gone away.
i forgive him, per se. person-to-person i hold no grudge.
but i'm still stuck with the emotional fallout.
how am i supposed to trust anyone with myself/my dreams again?
how will my relationships be defined from here and beyond, now that kids/marriage/picket fenced houses are not the obvious "goal" (at least not for me)?
what do i need to do to reconstruct my life/ideas around being--for the foreseeable future--a completely single woman? do i pour myself into work/creativity/the grind? do i have to keep a special space open, or will space be made at the appropriate time?
i don't want to miss out on a good thing, but i don't know how to stand the wait, either.
it's similar to how i felt when cosmo disappeared on me all those years ago: helpless, frustrated, alone, frightened, and angry.
even so, it's not like i'm gonna run out and find me a man, 'cause that wouldn't help, either.
i just need to get my bearings. since i am not used to being knocked off my square, it can take some time to recover from the shock when i am.
but i will find my way. i always do.
addendum (7.17.2008)--a melancholy has settled over the entire enterprise. i think i'm going to focus on finding ways to please and pleasure myself...dealing with outside interests seems too tiring.
it's amazing how quickly the jubliation i felt in late spring around being courted has given way to this. oh well. such is life.
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