rough day at work...pretty big screw up, but at least there wasn't anyone important around to see. i'm hoping i fixed it.
lots of last minute wrangling...at least i prepared for that.
ego's sorely bruised. didn't prepare for that. didn't think i had to.
kinda feeling that whole "i doubt i'll ever be anyone's mother/wife..." thing again.
had to avoid an argument i don't even understand the root of.
the candle won't burn over my prayer.
get paid tomorrow, but i know that won't be the end of the money woes. is there ever an end to those?
probably a little lonely.
and very, very sad.
i tried to take a deep breath, suck it up, pull myself up by my stubbornly proud bootstraps...
but i can't right now.
all of it.
and i don't even think it's the hormones talking.
for the first time in awhile, i'm very aware of my alone-ness. that there isn't someone to help shoulder the burden*. that there are a lot of hopes and dreams that just aren't on the table in any real way right now, and i don't have the energy to sit by the window and wistfully hope for them.
they're just...not there. and i can't count on them being there, no matter what the shells say. this is the one area where my faith can sincerely fail me.
deep down i'm a dreamer, so that's extraordinarily heartbreaking.
but until i find a soft place to rest, that's my life.
and if i'm supposed to wait patiently--heart open and bleeding, palms to the sky--for the universe to send me a marvel, then maybe i'm not ready. 'cause i simply cannot be that vulnerable right now.
for the foreseeable future, i work for me. period. even if i do it through tears.
at least they'll be my tears.
*family/friends are the exceptions to this statement. i love both, and they're always there for me. this is more about relationships.