mujer soledad

rough day at work...pretty big screw up, but at least there wasn't anyone important around to see. i'm hoping i fixed it.

lots of last minute wrangling...at least i prepared for that.

ego's sorely bruised. didn't prepare for that. didn't think i had to.

kinda feeling that whole "i doubt i'll ever be anyone's mother/wife..." thing again.

had to avoid an argument i don't even understand the root of.

the candle won't burn over my prayer.

get paid tomorrow, but i know that won't be the end of the money woes. is there ever an end to those?

i'm tired.
probably a little lonely.
and very, very sad.

i tried to take a deep breath, suck it up, pull myself up by my stubbornly proud bootstraps...

but i can't right now.
it hurts.
all of it.

and i don't even think it's the hormones talking.

for the first time in awhile, i'm very aware of my alone-ness. that there isn't someone to help shoulder the burden*. that there are a lot of hopes and dreams that just aren't on the table in any real way right now, and i don't have the energy to sit by the window and wistfully hope for them.

they're just...not there. and i can't count on them being there, no matter what the shells say. this is the one area where my faith can sincerely fail me.

deep down i'm a dreamer, so that's extraordinarily heartbreaking.

but until i find a soft place to rest, that's my life.

and if i'm supposed to wait patiently--heart open and bleeding, palms to the sky--for the universe to send me a marvel, then maybe i'm not ready. 'cause i simply cannot be that vulnerable right now.

for the foreseeable future, i work for me. period. even if i do it through tears.

at least they'll be my tears.

*family/friends are the exceptions to this statement. i love both, and they're always there for me. this is more about relationships.


sparkle said...

i wish i could give you a big ol hug until you feel loosed, girl.

know that i hold you in my heart! perpetually, you are healing and hurtling towards the rightness of balance and peace.

one foot before the next, sis.

creatrix said...

yup...day by day.

thanks, though. :-) you're a great friend.