mujer soledad

rough day at work...pretty big screw up, but at least there wasn't anyone important around to see. i'm hoping i fixed it.

lots of last minute wrangling...at least i prepared for that.

ego's sorely bruised. didn't prepare for that. didn't think i had to.

kinda feeling that whole "i doubt i'll ever be anyone's mother/wife..." thing again.

had to avoid an argument i don't even understand the root of.

the candle won't burn over my prayer.

get paid tomorrow, but i know that won't be the end of the money woes. is there ever an end to those?

i'm tired.
probably a little lonely.
and very, very sad.

i tried to take a deep breath, suck it up, pull myself up by my stubbornly proud bootstraps...

but i can't right now.
it hurts.
all of it.

and i don't even think it's the hormones talking.

for the first time in awhile, i'm very aware of my alone-ness. that there isn't someone to help shoulder the burden*. that there are a lot of hopes and dreams that just aren't on the table in any real way right now, and i don't have the energy to sit by the window and wistfully hope for them.

they're just...not there. and i can't count on them being there, no matter what the shells say. this is the one area where my faith can sincerely fail me.

deep down i'm a dreamer, so that's extraordinarily heartbreaking.

but until i find a soft place to rest, that's my life.

and if i'm supposed to wait patiently--heart open and bleeding, palms to the sky--for the universe to send me a marvel, then maybe i'm not ready. 'cause i simply cannot be that vulnerable right now.

for the foreseeable future, i work for me. period. even if i do it through tears.

at least they'll be my tears.


*family/friends are the exceptions to this statement. i love both, and they're always there for me. this is more about relationships.