an exercise in restraint

i've done a bit of meeting and greeting lately. feels good. i am grateful for the confidence and clarity it's brought.  plus, i haven't done deep visualization in a long time, so it's been catalyzing.

it's also reminded me how impatient i can be in the "will he/won't he call" stage.

typically, i don't mind doing a little legwork if i think the guy's worth it. if you want something, go get it, right? 

since i'm nearly always operating from my intuitive, heart-self and not my head, i often see and am attracted to said potential.  therefore, my natural inclination is to give them what they need without deep regard as to whether or not they are able to return the favor.  i always get the basic, "decent guy" packaging, so they are at least willing to try to reciprocate. 

unfortunately, where i can get ocean-deep, they often flounder.  and that's when things fall apart.  so i've decided it's probably better to step back and let them show themselves first.

now more than ever, i am totally focused on cultivating intentionality in my relationships--even in the beginning stages.

love can come and will be reciprocated as applicable. i'm open to that. and i'm still gonna get mine when i want it.  however, there will be no commitment without real, tangible outcomes, and i have no problem stating that very clearly. 

you want me?  that's sweet.  prove it. 

over the last thirteen years, i've learned three big lessons: first, there's a thin line between mysterious, creative depths and the masking of unearthed and unacknowledged pain. second, if i need a crowbar and forceps to approach your psyche, it's not gonna work. third--and probably most important--a well-rehearsed melange of coping and defense mechanisms is not a personality.

lots of really "nice guys" have all that going.  in spades.

so, yeah. i'm ready to hop back on the merry-go-round. 

...just understand that i am heavily armed.