TKON (reprise)

...because i needed this today. 

in the spirit of beginning to constructively vent my anger, i have to cite this as one of the main reasons i'm pissed.

because it's destroying hearts and minds.
because it's destroying families.
because it's keeping us from the good love we could be having.

the kingdom must fall.

counseling vs. ministry

i think there's a difference between "ministers" and "counselors."  most, if not all, ministers are counselors, but not all counselors are ministers.

depending on your point of view, yes, counseling IS a ministry, i.e., all uses of your gifts ultimately acting in service to God/dess.  but i feel more grounded in the concept of someone finding me when they're ready to begin a process, guiding them through, then letting them fly...wash, rinse, repeat.

i do not have a passion for "gathering a flock" and seeing them through the various stages of their lives.  my communal needs revolve more around friends, family and like-minded acquaintances.  it feeds my spirit to be able to draw those people from a variety of sources.

full throttle community-based work requires a different level and type of energy than one-on-one healing, conducting classes/workshops, and writing books.  as much as i respect those that do the former, i'm realizing that my strengths rest in the latter.  

this is not new...more like the reemergence of an old calling empowered by new information.

when i had to think about a "day job," counseling was the only non-creative field that interested me.  the bad news was i majored in psychology instead of social work; i didn't know that a MSW would have given me the foundation for the kind of work i really wanted to do.  my vision of a "social worker" was a paper pushing government employee infringing upon the lives of poor folks. not my cup of tea.

psychology didn't hit the spot, either.  i was not thrilled by statistics, research or the workings of the brain--although that stuff had its moments.  i've always had academic talent, but an academic career would have driven me insane.  i didn't want to write papers, think thoughts (exclusively), or have an alphabet behind my name--i wanted to help people.  

now that i've met several awesome MSWs doing great things, i'm more open to the possibilities.  considering my other training, i could even do my thing with a counseling certification.

this is the vision i want to hold on to.

one step closer to figuring out this thing called my life.

give thanks.

damage control

in tracing my pattern of self censorship and self denial, this script emerges, courtesy of my inner child:  

i want everyone to be ok. people feel bad things...things they won't tell me about. i want to ask, but i think that will upset them.  i'll figure it out on my own. i usually do, somehow. i want to be good so everyone can be ok. upsetting them isn't good.  why can't everyone be happy? 

my parents were not abusive or even obtuse; no one would have smacked me upside the head if i asked a question--even a difficult one.  but, apparently, feeling their discomfort would have been just as bad.

fortunately or unfortunately, empathy killed my curiosity like the threat of corporeal punishment did my peers'; i had the blessing-curse of being smart and sensitive enough to see things, but not brash enough to ask about them.  instead, i developed the maddening predisposition of remaining on (self-imposed) call, trying to keep the next "disaster" from striking.*  

almost 5 years ago, i wrote this to baby girl:

honeychild,

just because you can see it and feel it doesn't mean you have to fix it. your vision and empathy are gifts, but they aren't always going to serve you well in love--unless it's to show you which ones to steer clear of. and you can't necessarily pass on every gift you have to others, no matter how noble your intention.  

there is no time or energy to waste on folks who don't wanna be healed--whether it's because they're not ready, they're immobilized by their own pain, they feel that they don't deserve love...whatever. it doesn't matter. not even if they're facing death. you can't change their destiny or snap their ori into shape.

as far as relationships went, i did not repeat myself.  still, there's a need to remove this programming in a deeper, more indelible fashion.  as i've said before, i have a hard time forgiving myself, and this is one of those times i could chop my own head off.  stupid, stupid girl...look what you did to yourself... 

taking a deep breath, i put things in perspective:

i was a child, and i made myself the center of things, as children are wont to do. although i didn't think i was the "problem," i made everyone else's problems mine, looked out for everyone--even when i didn't know what was wrong--because i wanted everything to be all right.    

the lesson?

i incarnated with my own life to lead, and my own destiny to fulfill.  i choose to use my gifts in ways that benefit me and others, and part of benefiting myself is taking care of myself.  my parents did their job, and never asked for anything above my ability. as a little girl, i did what i thought was right, but now it's time to let go of that "responsibility," because it is a false, exhausting one.  whatever their--or anyone else's--struggles, God/dess has it under control.   

all will be well.    



* abuse notwithstanding, i now realize much of this was a result of an osmotic connection to my father's PTSD.  as i've gotten older, the blanks have slowly filled in, and i can pinpoint my anxieties as a child to various reactions my father would have (and sometimes still has) and, maybe, my mother's coping mechanisms.  my early experiences of loss probably didn't help.
 

solstice

2013

the year of perfect nothingness.
the year of perfect emptiness.

this year, i choose to be nothing but my true, divinely connected Self.
this year, i empty myself of any over-active ego and open to Spirit.

i choose freedom.  i am free.
i choose joy. i am joyous.
i choose expansion. i am expansive.

i have everything i need to fulfill my destiny.

the list {estab. 2008}

it's been four years since i wrote the list.

despite all the changes i've undergone--and there have been some major ones--it still works really well as a framework for my ideal mental, emotional, and spiritual state of being.

do you have a list, or something like it? how has it shaped your life, your perceptions? has it changed?

...not that you have to answer me out loud or anything. just a few thought questions.

the year's still relatively new, and spring's fast approaching.

get a little piece of that change.

a soul ajar

i am opening.
and being opened.

this terrifies me.

i realize that, outwardly, i am not what anyone would call "closed". i am quick to smile, laugh, connect with people.

this, however, is an opening to the whole of myself, to seeing and manifesting all that i have within to make my life what i need and want it to be, finally.

exciting as that sounds, the closures have been a lifetime in the making--catalyzed by fear of being misunderstood, the pain of ridicule and separation, the desire to be "like everyone else".

it's true that i no longer fear myself, but this next step almost feels more daunting than releasing that anxiety.

i realized that releasing the fear would make me more comfortable.  i don't know what this opening is going to look like.  i do know it's going to require a lot of trust and faith. 

it's also one more thing i have to face "alone", which is enough to make me want to hide under the covers until it goes away.*

in the end, though, the process will be the same: eventually my ego takes over and refuses to let this--or any other bump in my emotional road--"beat" me, and i commit to making myself feel better.

so i suppose i should just get started.    



*lately i've been almost hyperaware of what's lacking in my intimate life. whooooole other blog. which i probably won't write here.

synergetic synthesis

a few years ago, i consciously began the process of synthesizing the parts of myself i'd either scattered far and wide, or pushed into obscurity.

many of us split ourselves this way, for various reasons.  for me, there were times when this scattering happened in the name of protection, but more often it was simply to fit in, feel normal {whatever that is}.

in a general sense, some folks become aware of these splits, then try to gather in the disparate parts.  others allow the soul-shards to wander--at best never fully actualizing their full potential; at worst, fearing and hating the manifestation of those aspects in others.  sometimes people will even project that hatred outward.

in any case, if you've been reading along for awhile, you know how often i've used this space to speak on the process of re-integrating my self back to myself.

during my morning prayers, i cried--tears of frustration, longing, mourning.  but those tears made way for an important realization: today, i'm probably more fully integrated than i've been since childhood. i still have moments when i wonder how i'll be received, but i no longer fear myself or my power.

i took a deep breath and stood securely in the knowing that people, places, and circumstances of my life  always adjust to reflect my state of being.  as long as i follow the patterns and heed the signs, things run smoothly.   there is no reason for this phase to be any different.

gotta keep moving...
[again]

workinonit (c) dilla

i'm in the midst of reading peace from broken pieces, and there are some interesting insights coming from reading iya iyanla's work...

last night i journaled about my "personal lie". i'm aware of it, and i've been working on dispelling it for awhile. however, i'm also aware of the near-constant breakthroughs i'm having around it.

and i know i'll need to stand in those understandings to get some work done.

that's humbling, terrifying, and empowering all at the same time.

but i can do it. i am doing it.

all will be well.

shadows, part 2

the queen of swords is another part of my darkness.*

although i don't like that this description harps on the negative, this is very true:

Personality is cautious and clever. Can be cunning, destructive and manipulative. She is often aloof and distant. She keeps her distance and puts up barriers around herself. She displays an air of unemotional responses... Beneath her facade she hides much previous emotional pain and/or hardship. She has learnt how to survive. She is a woman alone. She is either a widow, divorced, a spinster or without a loving partner. She may have spent a long time on her own and keeps up her defences and her sword drawn to protect her at all times. She has a fondness for red roses...

She feels more in control if she can avoid having too deep feelings for anyone, lest they puncture her heart and give her reason to despair. She can become big hearted if in the right company and circumstances and when she feels safe and secure. There is hope for her and she is wise enough to know it. She is symbolic of the rose, seductive and potentially dangerous, capable of cutting the skin and making it bleed, yet the soft velvety petals can blossom into the most beautiful arrangement and captivate your heart. She is wistful and reflective, serious yet sensuous, yet always alert. She is capable of being the Goddess or the crucifier.

i am grateful that i've learned more about her higher aspects than her lower ones.  when i've been hurt, my empathy is the water to my initial fiery flare.  i've been blessed with a foundation of love...and that keeps me balanced, too.

but i keep a shining, well-sharpened machete handy...and always will.


*in my light, i am the empress and the high priestess.

the radiant night queen

in recent divination, i've pulled this card more than i can remember.  Inanna's mantra in the deck is "embracing the shadow".

when i first seriously began exploring this aspect of myself, i mentioned how i gravitated to Pomba Gira, a spirit revered in brasil's umbanda tradition.

it was a sudden introduction--similar to the forceful wind that blew Ezili Danto into my life--and followed closely by a compulsion to wear some combination of red and black whenever possible. 

by now you'd think i'd be used to the endless curves in Spirit's roads. but, they can still take me by surprise.

stay with me, now...

Pomba Gira is often depicted as a roma (gypsy) woman. word has it that the roma came to europe from india.

india--particularly the south--has deep, often obscured connections to africa, as evidenced through the indus kush civilization and the cultures of the various adivasi groups. many of these people are african in appearance, and they are considered to be the indigenous people of that nation.

so when i retrace my steps, coming to understand my shadow-spirit as a devadasi* warrior queen with a river of onyx hair doesn't seem so unusual.  she is still, at her core, an afrikan woman.

she speaks:

deeply brown skinned child of an indigo-black mother, i am devoted to the temple and my people.  i know the power of the sword and of the heart. 

my aura precedes me.  i stand fully in my sensuality, empowered by my priesthood--a child of the Love Goddesses.  i carry all the mysteries of womanhood deep in my garnet womb.      

upon my throne, i am an entity beyond the control, reach, or comprehension of any man, even as i haunt their dreams.  i am dazzling in fine fabrics, jewels and radiant flesh. equally full of bawdy, ribald humor, i can blend into the seediest tavern without detection or molestation. 

i am always, fully myself.  i speak my truth. 

i respect all who approach me confident in an understanding of their full selves.  

i remain appropriately humble, but i never cower.  

the spirit of balance and reciprocity is my breath.  i fearlessly face and resolve my karma.

fear, hesitation, and unwarranted self deprecation have no place in my house. Royalty Knows Itself. 

...and she is me. 
  

*i've only skimmed (with intent to read) it so far, but this work purports to trace the historical/cultural evolution of the devadasis from their status in ancient times to the implications of their lives and work--such as it is--today. i wanted to post it for the sake of perspective.

i am speaking of all this from a spiritual perspective and, as such, i am considering the higher aspects of the tradition, the work, and its intent--as i recall them in my spirit and through Divinity. i am aware of many of the ways in which the culture and traditions of india are being exploited and warped to disenfranchise adivasi people--sometimes known as dalits, tribals, etc.--and the issues surrounding sex work there. however, that is probably all the more reason we are called to remember the older, more original truths, so that we can reclaim the ancient wisdom, heal, and renew ourselves.

singlehood chronicles #7

a few nights ago, i realized there was some (digital) evidence from my last relationship lying around.  as i destroyed it, i became keenly aware that that was the last time i was loved.

it's not that i want to go back.  or pick up the phone.  hell, i don't even get sentimental for the good days.  in fact, i don't remember very many details except what comes in brief, random flashes.

but...i do remember that i was loved.  and i loved back.  i was connected to someone.  connection is natural to me. easy.

my entire life, i never doubted that i would have a partner, someone to walk through life with.  it wasn't that i was overly concerned with having a husband...it was more than that--a birthright, a way of being.  later, when i learned how shamans and other spiritual people worked in spousal teams, i saw a new dimension in the  relationships that offered that level of connection, and  i longed for a partner i could work with spiritually.

fairly recently i read something about people with libra ascendants having an "urge to merge" that they need to translate into serving others.

i think that's bullshit.*

the older i get, i become less sure that i'll have much energy to do anything without a serious love beside me. 

loving fuels me. it is my air; it is my food.  the security and safety inherent in a good relationship, in the best love, does wonders for me.  it enhances the way i move through the world. 

i only need one.

and i have no idea where he is.


*serving others is NOT bullshit. at all. but to arbitrarily suggest my "soul work" is to throw myself into serving and ignore my need for intimacy and relationship is...questionable at best. and then there's this...

love/thought bursts

i am stretching in ways i could not have anticipated; new superpowers emerge daily.

i did not explicitly ask for this (or maybe i did), but i'm remaining grateful for the journey.

interestingly, i used to be completely focused on working to open my heart, to heal and accept love/loving as it arrived in my life.  i refused to let the pain overtake me or steal my joy.

today, i'm constantly aware of how heavily fortified my heart is...not from hurt and shame, but because i gave my heart to someone who dropped it.  from a very high height.

all those years of opening led to another closing; an understanding that i can only make myself available to someone with much steadier hands. until he appears, the fort has to stay in place.

it isn't ideal, but it works.        

i know precisely what i'm dancing around; i am keeping time with the music and measuring my steps.

i know loving fully and deeply again will not be easy for me, but i will face the new openings and fears when they come.

the right partner, the right loving will give me the strength.   

the year of living single {part 3}

{if you're just joining us...part 1 and part 2}

being forced to dwell in the "inbetween" for so long and in so many respects has proven to me that precision, appellation, and specificity are not always the paths to understanding.

the japanese say flaws make things more beautiful. wabi-sabi.

there's also some quote floating around about the value in a cracked thing being its ability to allow light in.

that's how this phase of my life feels.

it is perfectly all right if things are incomplete, complicated, or blemished.  i can allow them to enter, sit with them awhile, then release them without committing myself to mending, untangling, or polishing.

in part,  the relationship has not emerged because i'm examining the beauty of the uncertain interim--and enjoying it.  the purpose has not arrived on a white horse, backed by fanfare and bearing gifts--at least not yet.  but nearly every day, i have a new strength to boast about. 

no matter what glittering temptation comes my way, my higher self and the entities that guide my steps and light my path give me the resolve to say "no" (or "yes"...) with perfect peace. 

i listen, and i am rewarded. 

that is in the agreement i made in orun.

i am wise enough to stick with what works, and refute what does not.

that is my gift.

the year of living single {part 2}

since i wrote this, i've been thinking...

intially, i thought giving voice to that milestone would throw me into lamentations, but it actually gave me a rush. it was empowering to acknowledge my triumphs as a non-tragic, single woman.

this morning, a sistafriend presented an exercise that got me thinking about the year ahead. my heart raced as i shared dreams i've been keeping close to my heart--some i hadn't even put into words until that moment.  as i crafted each sentence, i felt, deeply, that it was all completely possible and well within my grasp.

put another way, i'd been (un)consciously working, striving, crawling and struggling to get to the point where i could articulate that specific, blissful vision.  i'm still buzzing from it.

this energy, this momentum wouldn't exist if i were still pouring myself into the energy trap my relationship had become, or allowing a less-than-optimal relationship to do the same thing.

i am absolutely certain that i cannot settle for less than real love, partnership, and reciprocity.  period.

i'm looking forward to my future.  now more than ever.    

the year of living single

today it dawned on me that i've broken my singlehood record; i've been unattached for an entire year. before now, the longest stretch has been nine months. 

ultimately i'm grateful for this time.  i've learned a lot.

i am stronger and resourceful than i imagined myself to be.

i am self contained--not in the sense of being a recluse or pure selfishness.  i mean that i am full in myself, in my being.  i am ok with me.  i am whole.  i knew i loved myself, but now i understand that love far beyond the general concept of possessing healthy self-esteem.

i have deepened my self-love into a full, palpable reality.  i know just how far i can wrap my arms around myself--literally and figuratively.  there is comfort in that; an untapped well of power i never knew existed.

of course there are moments when i wish things were different. case in point: a huge cricket managed to find its way into my kitchen this morning.  i hate insects. i abhor jumping insects.  but i had to take care of it, because the cat was only dallying with it, and life had to go on.

physical intimacy is sporadic, at best.

an activity partner you can count on is a nice plus that i miss.  a friend maintains that the best thing about being married is that you "always have someone to do stuff with."  in some respects, i'm inclined to agree.

i don't always feel like doing my dishes, cooking for myself (or only cooking for one), rubbing my own feet, or taking in the groceries.  it'd be nice to have someone to supply me with new outfits, shoes, pedicures, and various other pamperings.  i certainly wouldn't be mad if a light bill or two was taken off my hands.      

still, i am grateful that i can do these things.  i've gained a superpower in turning "chores" into acts of self love and blessing.  initially, that was an act of self-preservation in the face of soul-ache and heartbreak, but the attitude change stuck, and it's been a wonderful thing.

i know who my friends are.  my family is a rock.  i've learned to lean on spirit and my intuition in ways that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

and maybe that's been the point.

i'm still gonna work on conjurin' up that love i desire. but i'm determined to have a ball 'til he gets here. 

mid-cold gratitude

my "summer" kinda sucks so far.

after a 2-day meeting at work, i was all ready to come into my 4 day weekend with a bang.

i did. or, at least my sinuses did.  the bad sort of bang. 

but, in the spirit of not complaining, i tried to think of the good in being stuck in bed for a few days.  that started with a couple of status updates on facebook. an extended version follows.

gratitude in illness

i'm inspired to own more kaftans. they're ridiculously comfy!

the weather's held out. it's been comfortably cool the last few days...barely even need a fan. i don't know WHAT i would have done if i had to be stuck in here in 90-100 degree weather.

i have a vision for my ori altar.

i made a yummy pot of soup for myself - even though i barely tasted it.

had some great, extended phone conversations.

although it REALLY sucks that i missed her & janelle monae, i'm glad i didn't buy advance tickets to the erykah concert. i probably would have been more miserable if i'd gone.

scar tissue

the last few days have reminded me of the continual nature of healing.

once you truly, deeply begin, it's never really finished. you might go away for weeks or years, but eventually it will return to you, or you will return to it.

it's that scar your eye wanders to whenever you look in the mirror. you know it's there, but you check every so often to see if it's changed. sometimes you could swear it still aches or itches.  you might wince, fully remembering the original pain, the blood, how you thought it would never close.  most often, though, you just glance over it while you're putting on makeup or checking for dirt on your face, not even giving it a second thought. 

in the last week or so, i've had an epiphany or two, unintentionally shared some deep secrets, continued some old conversations.  i'm grateful, even though it's all left me feeling a little raw.

i'm reading a book that's speaking to feelings, dreams and experiences that i haven't shared aloud with many.  i'm still apprehensive about expressing all the thoughts it's sparking, but i know they'll need to emerge eventually.

i blame retrograde.  particularly since it came in taurus...a sign that's always evoked a deeply honest emotional and sensual response in me.   

through it all, i am still loved and loving.  expanding.  making connections.  refusing fear, even in the midst of being afraid.

gotta keep moving...

cohesion

for a moment, i had doubts that the integration was working, that it was the right thing.

then, i actually received a couple of signs...

the first came from the billboard on a friend's church, saying, "live your resurrection". i almost took a picture.

the other: a spider crawling across my windshield. i have a serious case of arachnophobia, but i know grandmother is trying to guide me out of that fear so she can help me weave the threads of myself together.

all that to say, if you ask for a sign - or even if you don't - keep your eyes open. the universe is always conspiring to bring you what you need. 

kiddie dreams

i've been watching the olympics--as i'm wont to do when they come around--and all these visa (*blink*) commercials about olympians and their childhood dreams got me thinking: did i have those sorts of huge, grandiose thoughts as a little girl?  could they be a window into my purpose now?

obviously, it was nothing as singularly minded as mastering a sport or hobby.

but i did. 

whenever i watched the oscars, i'd practice/envision my acceptance speech.  for best original screenplay.*  

and i was always pretending to be interviewed about stuff.**   i expected that i would be important/cool/___ enough that folks would want to ask me questions about...something.

so...i should be a screenwriting actress who gives fabulous interviews.

i could live with that.


*in other words, when most little girls are probably dreaming about winning best actress, or at least being the star,  i'm sitting there thinking i'm gonna WRITE the best movie.  however, my mother maintains that i used to declare my desire to be an actress.  so maybe it was a little of both. 

**i still do, kinda (don't tell anyone...).  this is probably why i really like formspring.  somebody with that same childhood-based compulsion probably came up with it.

some thursday navel gazing...

lately i feel like a big ball of "i want" and "i need".  i get sick of the whining in my own head.

i'm doing my level best to fulfill as many of those needs for myself as possible. i do pretty well, if i do say so myself.

but it does get tiring.

i often find myself wishing i could be babied a little. have someone else do some small stuff so i can dream a little longer. get hugs on demand.

this is when i realize how isolating the last few years of my life have been. and it makes me wonder if there is anything worth putting that kind of laser-focus on for more than a few months at a time. when i dive into something important, i dive deep, sometimes to the exclusion of many other things.

am i too multi-faceted for that? should i always keep a certain level of stimulation coming from several different angles?

this is not to suggest regret.  i realize that focus created what was--at the time--a safe space.  and i needed to learn those lessons.  but now that i'm past 30, i would never want to spend that length of time on anything without some semblance of a guarantee that  my efforts were going to come to fruition. 

this is also why finding one thing to be "when i grow up" is so difficult...i see too many angles, too many possibilities. even singular things encompass many aspects...

and why do i always go through this shit right before my birthday?!?!

i think too damn much.

that's probably the answer to everything.