because i'm crazy...

...i'm gonna try nanowrimo this year.

progress will be noted on the writing blog (if the widget works), so if you don't see me over here for awhile, that's why.


dear old morehouse


pissivity (3)

right now, i'm a lot angrier than i'd like to be.

i don't want this space to become one long, bitter black lady rant, but...i am pissed.  i need to own that.  

do i want to scratch every man's eyes out? no.well, not really.  i have good days and bad days.

i can say that i am far more critical and skeptical than i used to be, but maybe i need to be. 

when things finally fell apart, i told myself that for as long as this anger was a part of my life, i would keep it as constructive as possible.  so i'll write what wants to be written.  fuck it.

that said, here are a few things that run through my mind here lately* when i hear folks say they want a relationship with a "real wo/man" or "i'm so ready to meet 'the one'":

1. know your shit. own it. fully. for example, men's daddy issues can bubble up in relationships just as easily as women's. there is nothing that says men are immune from the same need for validation, fear of abandonment, and trust issues that are often heaped on the shoulders of women.    

2. if you've got a pretty good handle on #1 (therapy is your friend. remember that.), then think about why your other relationships worked--or didn't. if things were cool as long as they didn't get "too deep" or you've only stuck it out for a year or two, rushing to meet the person you'd like to spend the next 10, 30, or even 5 years with might be a bit of a stretch.  slow up. 

3. emotionally, you cannot "fake it til you make it". you simply cannot. don't try. it is unfair and unreasonable for you to dig in and hold on once you've realized you are clearly out of your league. yes, i understand that you love him/her, but good feelings and good intentions are not enough.  you may need to be an adult about it and let go--and by "let go" i mean have a real conversation with your partner about what's going on. you don't sneak off in the middle of the night. you don't sabotage. you don't throw a tantrum. just be honest, be real, and handle your business.

4. if you're truly in love and determined to hang in there, you're going to have to listen and you're going to have to work--particularly if you know you're dealing with someone who has less baggage than you do.  if it takes too long for you to work through all that stuff you've owned and s/he gets tired (keep in mind your author is over 30 and her bullshit tolerance is at an all-time low), you may just have to deal with that. relationships are emotional risks, and no one knows how they're going to turn out. if you are unwilling or unable to take that risk, see #3.

just another $.02 from lil ol me...

*not a typo. i'm southern. sue me.


the case for true intimacy

when i was ill a couple of weeks ago, i thought to myself, "man, this is when it sucks to be single...no one to hug you, bring you soup..."

then i remembered the ex had never been there when i'd been sick anyway.

granted, i don't get sick often. regardless, he'd never nursed me beyond a sympathetic phone call or two. once when i had a bad cold, he brought me a bag of treats.

in six years, we'd developed no daily, weekly or even monthly rituals. we didn't have a song. pet names were used liberally--cute, but what did that really mean?  a waitress at one restaurant came to recognize us, but we didn't have a place to call "ours", really.  i hardly knew anyone in his family and never met his parents, although i finally came to know a few of his friends.

by all accounts, this was never about lying or cheating.  he'd simply learned to wrap his life in neat little packages so that if anything happened, he could walk away, no hard feelings (for him). never mind what that did to me or us as a unit.  in the end, he finally understood this, albeit too late.   

i was a wreck for weeks, not because i wanted him or even missed his smile, but because i became conscious of what i'd lost by settling for a relationship so far below my understanding and experience of intimacy, affection and love.

even at times when i thought i should miss him, i found there was nothing to miss. he had given me so little of himself compared to what i had tried to give him.

deep intimacy was nearly always reduced to purely physical moments; towards the end, even those moments became rarer than usual.  if we weren't fucking regularly, all the ugly gaps started to show, and nothing seemed to fix them. whenever the distance grew, i was the only one who seemed to know how to bridge it.

hell, even casual lovers need attention and cultivation. now, if i fuck you on the first date or what have you, i'm willing to deal with the fact that i might stir up your bullshit around "easy" women or simply confuse the hell out of you*, but if i catch a whiff of said bullshit, don't expect me to accommodate you.

at this stage in my life, i have no time for men who overthink to the point of complete inaction, who are full of fear or trapped inside their own insecurities and hangups. there will be no re-raising, coddling or praise for half-assed displays of affection.

i was "brave enough" to try to navigate all that once.  no longer.

if you want me, let me know. i'll respond in kind.

if you leave me alone, i'll leave you alone. i'll show you i'm interested, but after that, the ball's in your court. play it, or not.

i've learned very well what hides behind intimacy issues**, and i don't need those demons visited upon me or my heart again.

*i haven't had this happen, by the way. on the rare occasion i have had the will and the opportunity to do this, the reaction of surprise/confusion is far more common, with the confusion stemming from the fact that i do so because i want to, and not in an effort to please and/or impress them. this is where women who do not own their needs/comfort levels are making it hard for broads like me...

**note that i'm not using the word "commitment", although i think folks often use that and "intimacy" interchangeably.  from where i sit, everyone with commitment issues may have intimacy issues, but not everyone with intimacy issues has commitment issues. there are plenty of folks who can "commit" without doing a damn thing to deepen their relationship(s) with other human beings, typically because that's what they've been raised to do--i.e., if you love her, you gotta marry her and have babies 'cause that's what "proper" folks do...damn the fact that you don't know how to talk to her or even check in with yourself.

in my opinion,
commitment means honoring whatever bond/agreement you have with a particular person(s) (e.g., remaining sexually monogamous). intimacy has to do with how you operate in relationship; a way to measure emotional health.  can you touch/kiss/pleasure with ease? can you reveal yourself at appropriate stages in the relationship to help it grow? what are your triggers, and can you discuss these effectively with your partner?  do you know how to be consistently present and emotionally available--whether or not you are physically present? shit like that.


goin thru some thangs...

it hasn't been easy over here lately...

i'm walking a really fine line between going full out and just keeping it all in...trying to be the shepherd and killing every mf'er in the room.

it's truly not easy.

i know that, ultimately, i am in the process of being and becoming something better than what i was.  i am evolving and choosing freedom and power over the crumbs i was offered.

i'm trying to hold on to that.