2013
the year of perfect nothingness.
the year of perfect emptiness.
this year, i choose to be nothing but my true, divinely connected Self.
this year, i empty myself of any over-active ego and open to Spirit.
i choose freedom. i am free.
i choose joy. i am joyous.
i choose expansion. i am expansive.
i have everything i need to fulfill my destiny.
Showing posts with label positive thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive thinking. Show all posts
12.21.2012
2.14.2012
choosing battles: privileged neglect vs. hate
once, someone shared a wise sentiment with me: they're not always out to get you, sometimes they just don't care.
of course, the result might be similar or the same, but that perspective cuts through a lot of paranoia and fear. in a world full of ever-present boogeypeople, you can scare yourself right into apathy or inaction if you aren't careful.
however, if YOU care, that's power. 'cause you might get someone else on the bandwagon.
the folks who are supposed to hate us so much continue living life--their perceived evils and imbalances notwithstanding--while too many of us have stopped living to shoot at shadows.
if they were that obsessed with coming for us, they'd get little else done. but much still gets done. has been getting done.
to be certain, much of it is not in our favor, to our advantage, or for our health because they don't care.
but that's not the same as hate.
that's not the same as a genocidal master plan.
and it does not (always) equate to sitting down each day to decide how to specifically kill, maim or destroy [insert just about anyone not male / western-euro descended / hetero here].
am i saying no one is out to get "us"? no. quite the contrary. there are a few who've made it their life's work, for reasons that would take another blog or three to lay out.
but i don't think that's the majority.
i think the majority are riding a wave of conquest and privilege they don't understand the root of. they don't care because they don't have to; their circumstances allow them to reap the benefits, and that has the potential to make all but the most aware rather indolent.
i don't choose to lie awake thinking about folks who don't care about me, nor do i see the point in viewing my life as a never-ending battlefield.
i do choose to care more than they do. i need to see and relate to the people they don't. i am committed to learning, listening, doing my part in my little corner of the planet.
it might not be much, but it's what keeps me sane.
of course, the result might be similar or the same, but that perspective cuts through a lot of paranoia and fear. in a world full of ever-present boogeypeople, you can scare yourself right into apathy or inaction if you aren't careful.
however, if YOU care, that's power. 'cause you might get someone else on the bandwagon.
the folks who are supposed to hate us so much continue living life--their perceived evils and imbalances notwithstanding--while too many of us have stopped living to shoot at shadows.
if they were that obsessed with coming for us, they'd get little else done. but much still gets done. has been getting done.
to be certain, much of it is not in our favor, to our advantage, or for our health because they don't care.
but that's not the same as hate.
that's not the same as a genocidal master plan.
and it does not (always) equate to sitting down each day to decide how to specifically kill, maim or destroy [insert just about anyone not male / western-euro descended / hetero here].
am i saying no one is out to get "us"? no. quite the contrary. there are a few who've made it their life's work, for reasons that would take another blog or three to lay out.
but i don't think that's the majority.
i think the majority are riding a wave of conquest and privilege they don't understand the root of. they don't care because they don't have to; their circumstances allow them to reap the benefits, and that has the potential to make all but the most aware rather indolent.
i don't choose to lie awake thinking about folks who don't care about me, nor do i see the point in viewing my life as a never-ending battlefield.
i do choose to care more than they do. i need to see and relate to the people they don't. i am committed to learning, listening, doing my part in my little corner of the planet.
it might not be much, but it's what keeps me sane.
12.27.2011
boundaries!
my first video blog: a little something on good boundaries and how they keep us on track.
10.12.2009
12.20.2008
faith-leaping
it's a strange thing...i've never felt this discouraged and encouraged at the same time.
while the state of my personal economy is less than optimal--way less. in part because they keep playing games with people's utilities--i do feel like i'm on the right path.
there's evidence that what i'm dreaming up and producing has merit and worth, and i should keep at it.
attending my brother's graduation was equal parts inspiration and anxiety-producing. while i'm really not sure if i have the stomach for school, i know getting that paper is the only way i can really be taken seriously doing the work i seem to need to do.
i'm also wondering about different spiritual systems and paths and how they may need to factor into this journey. while i have no intention of abandoning the path of my ancestors, i'm also being led down several other roads--ones i haven't walked for centuries and may have difficulty retreading.
i suppose it doesn't matter; i've started anyway. the next step is to state my intention. after that, what i need will find its way to me.
while the state of my personal economy is less than optimal--way less. in part because they keep playing games with people's utilities--i do feel like i'm on the right path.
there's evidence that what i'm dreaming up and producing has merit and worth, and i should keep at it.
attending my brother's graduation was equal parts inspiration and anxiety-producing. while i'm really not sure if i have the stomach for school, i know getting that paper is the only way i can really be taken seriously doing the work i seem to need to do.
i'm also wondering about different spiritual systems and paths and how they may need to factor into this journey. while i have no intention of abandoning the path of my ancestors, i'm also being led down several other roads--ones i haven't walked for centuries and may have difficulty retreading.
i suppose it doesn't matter; i've started anyway. the next step is to state my intention. after that, what i need will find its way to me.
11.15.2008
blossoming
i feel like i'm having more interesting conversations with more interesting people.
the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.
it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.
it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?
we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.
the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.
2009 is going to be a very compelling year.
the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.
it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.
it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?
we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.
the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.
2009 is going to be a very compelling year.
9.26.2007
reality
i have a serious thing about fulfillment. i am not a pleasant person when i am unhappy or dissatisfied.
i don't expect to be free of desire, nor do i see the absence of desire as a natural state--unless your desire is warped into addiction.
if and when i begin to feel dissatisfied or distressed, i'm learning to shift reality, to make things look, sound and feel the way i want and expect them to.
i think people get caught up in understanding that process in a negative sense, i.e., you have to hurt or harm others to achieve that goal.
you don't.
you do not have to universally impose your will to achieve your bliss.
the universe has created a space for you--you do the work to find or open that space.
the need to bend others to your will is a sign of weakness and laziness. conquering isn't the same as mastering.
i don't need to make over anything not worth my ashe.
i voice the desire, i move towards the space.
the worlds of work and drudgery will never act as mother.
the earth and the universe will.
i don't expect to be free of desire, nor do i see the absence of desire as a natural state--unless your desire is warped into addiction.
if and when i begin to feel dissatisfied or distressed, i'm learning to shift reality, to make things look, sound and feel the way i want and expect them to.
i think people get caught up in understanding that process in a negative sense, i.e., you have to hurt or harm others to achieve that goal.
you don't.
you do not have to universally impose your will to achieve your bliss.
the universe has created a space for you--you do the work to find or open that space.
the need to bend others to your will is a sign of weakness and laziness. conquering isn't the same as mastering.
i don't need to make over anything not worth my ashe.
i voice the desire, i move towards the space.
the worlds of work and drudgery will never act as mother.
the earth and the universe will.
8.27.2007
shakti
i've realized that my creativity has not abandoned me, it's been invested in recreating my reality.
my list of needs and wants is a mile long, but i'm also accomplishing goals and setting new ones in record time.
i find myself praying, manifesting, and readjusting almost constantly. my dreams are overflowing with guidance and support.
still, it's been awkward adjusting to the feeling of "missing" my writing; i'm used to leaning on a pen and pad for support.
yes, blogging is writing--but different. i miss the poems, stories, the choreographed wordplay that used to dance effortlessly across my mind.
blogging is more of a release of nervous energy or filing system--a tool that helps me track my progress, tuck away distracting thoughts, converse with folks and spark discussion.
on the other hand, i am grateful that my creative energy understands the necessity of metamorphosis depending on my needs.
right now i don't need to write as much as i need to move, visualize, and mold.
today i am grateful for the gifts granted by evolution.
my list of needs and wants is a mile long, but i'm also accomplishing goals and setting new ones in record time.
i find myself praying, manifesting, and readjusting almost constantly. my dreams are overflowing with guidance and support.
still, it's been awkward adjusting to the feeling of "missing" my writing; i'm used to leaning on a pen and pad for support.
yes, blogging is writing--but different. i miss the poems, stories, the choreographed wordplay that used to dance effortlessly across my mind.
blogging is more of a release of nervous energy or filing system--a tool that helps me track my progress, tuck away distracting thoughts, converse with folks and spark discussion.
on the other hand, i am grateful that my creative energy understands the necessity of metamorphosis depending on my needs.
right now i don't need to write as much as i need to move, visualize, and mold.
today i am grateful for the gifts granted by evolution.
7.28.2007
cleansing...
whenever i start to feel heavy and out of place, i know it's time for a fast.
the program that seems to work best for me is goo gobs of fresh fruit, smoothies and/or fresh juice, water, and cleansing supplements and herbs (e.g. ultimate cleanse, psyllium, flaxseed, green pills). i usually end with salads/raw veggies, gradually building back up to my regular diet. i'm also fond of lemon water, yogurt (in the smoothies and before/after using the cleansing pills), and chlorophyll.
given february's ordeal and this entry from march, it's high time for a break. my natural urge to cleanse comes up every 3-4 months or so if i've been bad--which i have.
experiences like this tend to lure me back into unhealthy habits and cycles in the name of grounding myself, but i'm learning that maybe it's better for me to walk around on tiptoe just a little bit.
i've read mixed reviews on fasting/cleansing during one's cycle, but i think i prefer it, especially since i've begun to realign with the strength of the full moon. menstruation is a profound cleansing in and of itself, so i'm taking it as a signal that in this cycle i need to clear obstacles with some physical discipline vs. prayer.
cleansing also means more clarity of mind and spirit, so i'm hoping this will also lead to a breakthrough in the battle with writer's block. i tend to journal more frequently and freely during a fast, and i've been hiding from my thoughts lately. time to stop that.
peace & clarity, y'all
today i am thankful for intuition and understanding.
the program that seems to work best for me is goo gobs of fresh fruit, smoothies and/or fresh juice, water, and cleansing supplements and herbs (e.g. ultimate cleanse, psyllium, flaxseed, green pills). i usually end with salads/raw veggies, gradually building back up to my regular diet. i'm also fond of lemon water, yogurt (in the smoothies and before/after using the cleansing pills), and chlorophyll.
given february's ordeal and this entry from march, it's high time for a break. my natural urge to cleanse comes up every 3-4 months or so if i've been bad--which i have.
experiences like this tend to lure me back into unhealthy habits and cycles in the name of grounding myself, but i'm learning that maybe it's better for me to walk around on tiptoe just a little bit.
i've read mixed reviews on fasting/cleansing during one's cycle, but i think i prefer it, especially since i've begun to realign with the strength of the full moon. menstruation is a profound cleansing in and of itself, so i'm taking it as a signal that in this cycle i need to clear obstacles with some physical discipline vs. prayer.
cleansing also means more clarity of mind and spirit, so i'm hoping this will also lead to a breakthrough in the battle with writer's block. i tend to journal more frequently and freely during a fast, and i've been hiding from my thoughts lately. time to stop that.
peace & clarity, y'all
today i am thankful for intuition and understanding.
7.27.2007
mantras, a.k.a. shit i need to remember i know how to manifest
money comes easily and regularly (thanks, oyin)
open ori, abundant blessings.
peace, purpose, wisdom, clarity (an oldie but goodie)
you have heaven in you (maferefun ifa)
open ori, abundant blessings.
peace, purpose, wisdom, clarity (an oldie but goodie)
you have heaven in you (maferefun ifa)
7.26.2007
attitude adjustment
i suppose i'm trying to balance gratitude for being among the employed with the aggravation of knowing i can do better and the (quasi) guilt of wanting more.
i ain't where i wanna be.
it was lovely having time off, but it's still a little too hard to get up in the morning, everything still annoys me a little too much, and i'm still only really happy when i'm not here.
besides, every place i've worked had a great team when i started and, thanks to managerial "insight", looked pretty fked up by the time i left. that fkupedness has begun to rear its head.
so it's about that time.
i ain't where i wanna be.
it was lovely having time off, but it's still a little too hard to get up in the morning, everything still annoys me a little too much, and i'm still only really happy when i'm not here.
besides, every place i've worked had a great team when i started and, thanks to managerial "insight", looked pretty fked up by the time i left. that fkupedness has begun to rear its head.
so it's about that time.
7.17.2007
ori tutu
it's still a struggle...
thankfully, as i write this, i'm not financially strapped. but i do need to clean the house. and buy soap...lol.
more than anything, i'm wondering what needs to be done to ensure that these inconveniences and setbacks do not continue.
is something trying to get my attention?
is there something i need to repel?
is it just the usual bullshit that tries to keep you down when you get your foot on the path? the fkupedness of urban living?
whatever it is, i firmly intend to nip it in the bud. posthaste.
p.s.--as long as i have your attention, please rent/buy/somehow see this movie. it was made in the 80s, so the special effects can be laughter-inducing. but if you can get past that, it's an amazing example of our how our ancestors triumphed over the brutality of slavery. maferefun egungun!
thankfully, as i write this, i'm not financially strapped. but i do need to clean the house. and buy soap...lol.
more than anything, i'm wondering what needs to be done to ensure that these inconveniences and setbacks do not continue.
is something trying to get my attention?
is there something i need to repel?
is it just the usual bullshit that tries to keep you down when you get your foot on the path? the fkupedness of urban living?
whatever it is, i firmly intend to nip it in the bud. posthaste.
p.s.--as long as i have your attention, please rent/buy/somehow see this movie. it was made in the 80s, so the special effects can be laughter-inducing. but if you can get past that, it's an amazing example of our how our ancestors triumphed over the brutality of slavery. maferefun egungun!
7.07.2007
goddess be praised...
i always love being a woman, but there are days when i am simply in awe of it.
understanding the power and beauty inherent in my bliss is simply...thrilling.
i've found a groove, and i'm grateful for it.
up earlier than i wanted to be, but that's all right. i have more of the day to play in. and it will be a beautiful one: plenty of heat and sunshine, low humidity...ahhhhh.
gonna do a few sun salutations before i get in the shower...
i'll make a heavenly shea butter concoction to rub into my scalp after my shampoo. treat my ori to some deliciousness.
still planning on getting some writing done...
this is gonna be a good weekend. finances be damned.
adupe egungun mi
adupe ori mi
adupe osun! ori yeye o!
adupe sango...kawo kabiyesile! baba aladufe!
peace & sunshine, y'all.
understanding the power and beauty inherent in my bliss is simply...thrilling.
i've found a groove, and i'm grateful for it.
up earlier than i wanted to be, but that's all right. i have more of the day to play in. and it will be a beautiful one: plenty of heat and sunshine, low humidity...ahhhhh.
gonna do a few sun salutations before i get in the shower...
i'll make a heavenly shea butter concoction to rub into my scalp after my shampoo. treat my ori to some deliciousness.
still planning on getting some writing done...
this is gonna be a good weekend. finances be damned.
adupe egungun mi
adupe ori mi
adupe osun! ori yeye o!
adupe sango...kawo kabiyesile! baba aladufe!
peace & sunshine, y'all.
6.02.2007
things i am coming to accept
1. i'm dope.
2. despite my naysaying & shit talking, i'm 99% certain i will give birth at least once. and i'm sure that after the first time, i'll want to do it again.
3. i am a channel. i exist as a gifted conduit for divine energy. fully accepting that fact in spite of the skepticism of most of the world around me will lead to my bliss.
4. i am a child of sango.
5. i have everything i need to become everything i ever wanted to be.
6. the only thing in my way is me. 'cause...well, see #1.
7. i can write. i need to make that known so ppl will buy my books and i can make money and keep writing instead of sitting at other ppl's desks withering away. toni morrison is an inspiration 'cause she didn't get going until her 30s...einstein, too.
8. water is my lifeblood. oceans, rivers, lakes....lately every time i see one i want to jump in and walk the bottom.
9. i am loved, protected, cherished, and looked after. in other words, ain't shit i need to be worried over. moments of negativity are simply bumps in the road.
10. i'm dope.
2. despite my naysaying & shit talking, i'm 99% certain i will give birth at least once. and i'm sure that after the first time, i'll want to do it again.
3. i am a channel. i exist as a gifted conduit for divine energy. fully accepting that fact in spite of the skepticism of most of the world around me will lead to my bliss.
4. i am a child of sango.
5. i have everything i need to become everything i ever wanted to be.
6. the only thing in my way is me. 'cause...well, see #1.
7. i can write. i need to make that known so ppl will buy my books and i can make money and keep writing instead of sitting at other ppl's desks withering away. toni morrison is an inspiration 'cause she didn't get going until her 30s...einstein, too.
8. water is my lifeblood. oceans, rivers, lakes....lately every time i see one i want to jump in and walk the bottom.
9. i am loved, protected, cherished, and looked after. in other words, ain't shit i need to be worried over. moments of negativity are simply bumps in the road.
10. i'm dope.
6.01.2007
tonight, i pray
i have my obstacles all lined up and ready for burning. ashe!
i'm going to clean my house and wash my hair.
i get to see the babies tomorrow. that always makes me happy.
i'm feeling better today than i have in awhile. i can't tell if it was being able to treat myself to a yummy dinner, or just having a little money in my pocket. sometimes i forget that as a child of oshun, having a little change to jingle around can make all the difference.
the moon's probably helping as well. having a full moon to work with in the midst of my cycle can be a very rejuvenating combination, even if i have to walk through some flames to get there.
i wrote a little last night. the project is still evolving. maybe that's the embryo i was trying to name yesterday. i just have to keep twirling it between my fingers, shaping and molding until i start to see a shape i like.
it is a fantastic moment when all the hormonal fog clears and i start feeling and thinking like a rational being again. yes, there is order in the chaos, but yikes.
today i am grateful for clarity, owo (money), moon magic, and words.
i'm going to clean my house and wash my hair.
i get to see the babies tomorrow. that always makes me happy.
i'm feeling better today than i have in awhile. i can't tell if it was being able to treat myself to a yummy dinner, or just having a little money in my pocket. sometimes i forget that as a child of oshun, having a little change to jingle around can make all the difference.
the moon's probably helping as well. having a full moon to work with in the midst of my cycle can be a very rejuvenating combination, even if i have to walk through some flames to get there.
i wrote a little last night. the project is still evolving. maybe that's the embryo i was trying to name yesterday. i just have to keep twirling it between my fingers, shaping and molding until i start to see a shape i like.
it is a fantastic moment when all the hormonal fog clears and i start feeling and thinking like a rational being again. yes, there is order in the chaos, but yikes.
today i am grateful for clarity, owo (money), moon magic, and words.
5.28.2007
"wanna say 'wait' but you're scared to ask..." (c) e. badu
these days, i'm trying to figure out what i need to pray for—and how i should be moving my feet.
giving thanks is relatively simple. however, it's difficult to determine what to ask for. i can’t tell if the inability to speak comes from a fear of getting what i want, or a fear that i’m not worthy.
i'm trying to keep in mind that if it comes upon my mind to ask, then the universe will conspire to get it for me.
but i have to put it out there. that’s the bargain.
giving thanks is relatively simple. however, it's difficult to determine what to ask for. i can’t tell if the inability to speak comes from a fear of getting what i want, or a fear that i’m not worthy.
i'm trying to keep in mind that if it comes upon my mind to ask, then the universe will conspire to get it for me.
but i have to put it out there. that’s the bargain.
5.22.2007
rage
by nature, i'm not an angry person. however, i seem to become very aware of my capacity for rage when i'm hormonal. it's uncanny.
maybe i should think of it as a power surge; a sudden awareness of what i could do if i really put my mind to it.
the anger probably comes from not being able to manipulate and shape the power to my liking. who has time to sit in the garden (eh...what garden?) and write or dream up spells or potions or prayers or incantations or whatever? i gotta sit up in this office for 8 hrs and some change and try to act like i don't have a galaxy brewing inside me.ah well. i try to keep it all in perspective.
maybe i should think of it as a power surge; a sudden awareness of what i could do if i really put my mind to it.
the anger probably comes from not being able to manipulate and shape the power to my liking. who has time to sit in the garden (eh...what garden?) and write or dream up spells or potions or prayers or incantations or whatever? i gotta sit up in this office for 8 hrs and some change and try to act like i don't have a galaxy brewing inside me.ah well. i try to keep it all in perspective.
4.27.2007
serpentine
i would run from goliath.
large, looming things intimidate me. even if it's a goal i'm dead set on attaining.
i've learned that i work best when i can surround the problem, see it from all angles.
then i start dissecting it.
i take out the easiest parts first. feet. knees. make it a non-moving target. then i determine how long i can let it live before those feet and knees grow back. that's how i get my time frame.
then i start to disable it. use my snake venom. remove its senses, muddle its brain...the body becomes simply a formality to be swallowed, whole.
visualizing a huge wall a few miles ahead is not motivational. i don't have a battering ram mentality, nor am i fond of explosives. i don't have an "against all odds" sort of spirit.
sometimes, after a few strikes, i find i have to let the problem run away. even so, i keep it in my sights. run occasional reconnaissance missions. however, i don't relentlessly persue. i occupy myself with smaller prey.
bit by bit we eat the head of the rat...
but because i also have the gift of seeing quite far ahead of myself, i can get frustrated with this approach. there are times when it puts me in mind of stagnation. i start wondering why things don't move faster, why i can't have it NOW...etc.
but in times when i'm faced with the possibility of being overwhelmed, i have to think about things differently.
bit by bit...
large, looming things intimidate me. even if it's a goal i'm dead set on attaining.
i've learned that i work best when i can surround the problem, see it from all angles.
then i start dissecting it.
i take out the easiest parts first. feet. knees. make it a non-moving target. then i determine how long i can let it live before those feet and knees grow back. that's how i get my time frame.
then i start to disable it. use my snake venom. remove its senses, muddle its brain...the body becomes simply a formality to be swallowed, whole.
visualizing a huge wall a few miles ahead is not motivational. i don't have a battering ram mentality, nor am i fond of explosives. i don't have an "against all odds" sort of spirit.
sometimes, after a few strikes, i find i have to let the problem run away. even so, i keep it in my sights. run occasional reconnaissance missions. however, i don't relentlessly persue. i occupy myself with smaller prey.
bit by bit we eat the head of the rat...
but because i also have the gift of seeing quite far ahead of myself, i can get frustrated with this approach. there are times when it puts me in mind of stagnation. i start wondering why things don't move faster, why i can't have it NOW...etc.
but in times when i'm faced with the possibility of being overwhelmed, i have to think about things differently.
bit by bit...
3.15.2007
maferefun ori
...for keeping me in a spirit of gratitude.
the things worthy of praise today include:
paydays!
restaurants that love veggies/vegans
emotional intelligence/awareness
orgasms
cashews
cars
mindfulness
laughter
prayer/the presence of spirit
health/food/shelter/clean clothes
warm brown hugs
meditation
friends & family
smiles
intuition
paying the bills...and not being harrassed for delaying the ones i can't
knowing i have options. even if it doesn't always feel that way.
clean desks
slow work days that accomodate blogging
the things worthy of praise today include:
paydays!
restaurants that love veggies/vegans
emotional intelligence/awareness
orgasms
cashews
cars
mindfulness
laughter
prayer/the presence of spirit
health/food/shelter/clean clothes
warm brown hugs
meditation
friends & family
smiles
intuition
paying the bills...and not being harrassed for delaying the ones i can't
knowing i have options. even if it doesn't always feel that way.
clean desks
slow work days that accomodate blogging
1.04.2007
"fear is the mind killer"
...you should probably read dune if you haven't already.
anyway.
last night was interesting. i said my usual full moon prayers, did a meditation, and tried to get some rest. but i never quite fell asleep. it was like i was still awake...trying to keep some invader away from me.
i ran, i tried to ignore it...but it kept coming at me.
i hid, screamed that silent dream scream...i did everything i could think to do...
except fight.
i woke up briefly, remembering a technique a friend taught me years ago (bless you, wherever you are): i drenched myself in light. steeled myself. i added the vision of a katana sword with a white hilt, and draped myself in white cloth. and fell back asleep.
i told whatever it was that it needed to get away from me. that i was prepared to kill it.
it tried to disguise itself, but that didn't work too well. i cut it and it didn't bleed. it was nothing even resembling a person.
so i left it where it lay.
over the last few months i've been doing a lot of work to get old obstacles out of my way. i have a path to walk, and i don't want to be hindered by ideas/attitudes/thinking that have become comfortable.
i know a large part of this is reclaiming and using my creativity.
i wrote an affirmation for myself a few nights ago:
when i get up in the morning and walk to the shower i see it.
my laundry's in there, so i see it when i put clothes in the hamper.
i see it on the way to bed.
i can feel it working.
but when you sweep out the old, something always wants to stay. the universe wants you to win, but your ego can get in the way. either because it's too big and won't take any advice, or it's fragile and afraid of getting hurt. i'm more of the latter.
stay small where no one can see you. don't draw attention to yourself. you're not really that special, you know...
it's not a self esteem thing. it's more so your mind's way of protecting you.
some ppl refer to that as the devil. so be it. i think of it as a human refuge.
no one wants to be assed out and fail--or, rather, have a perception of failure. myself included.
but it's when you take those leaps of faith that you realize you didn't have shit to be afraid of to begin with.
in women who run with the wolves, dr. estes talks about the "predator" that tends to attack women in dreams when they're on the verge of getting in touch with their wild, intuitive, deep selves.
that's what i encountered last night...only it was a far more literal version than the usual bad man in the woods or walk through a dark alley.
i've seen it before.
it happens whenever i shake myself into awareness.
the longer i've been sleeping, the more frightening the awakening is.
but i am a child of ogun.
i am never without my machete. and i rarely lose my way.
i have nothing to be afraid of.
my success has been assured. and i'm on my way to claiming it.
damn the haters.
ashe.
anyway.
last night was interesting. i said my usual full moon prayers, did a meditation, and tried to get some rest. but i never quite fell asleep. it was like i was still awake...trying to keep some invader away from me.
i ran, i tried to ignore it...but it kept coming at me.
i hid, screamed that silent dream scream...i did everything i could think to do...
except fight.
i woke up briefly, remembering a technique a friend taught me years ago (bless you, wherever you are): i drenched myself in light. steeled myself. i added the vision of a katana sword with a white hilt, and draped myself in white cloth. and fell back asleep.
i told whatever it was that it needed to get away from me. that i was prepared to kill it.
it tried to disguise itself, but that didn't work too well. i cut it and it didn't bleed. it was nothing even resembling a person.
so i left it where it lay.
over the last few months i've been doing a lot of work to get old obstacles out of my way. i have a path to walk, and i don't want to be hindered by ideas/attitudes/thinking that have become comfortable.
i know a large part of this is reclaiming and using my creativity.
i wrote an affirmation for myself a few nights ago:
you are a writer.it's on the door of the closet that faces my bedroom.
WRITE.
when i get up in the morning and walk to the shower i see it.
my laundry's in there, so i see it when i put clothes in the hamper.
i see it on the way to bed.
i can feel it working.
but when you sweep out the old, something always wants to stay. the universe wants you to win, but your ego can get in the way. either because it's too big and won't take any advice, or it's fragile and afraid of getting hurt. i'm more of the latter.
stay small where no one can see you. don't draw attention to yourself. you're not really that special, you know...
it's not a self esteem thing. it's more so your mind's way of protecting you.
some ppl refer to that as the devil. so be it. i think of it as a human refuge.
no one wants to be assed out and fail--or, rather, have a perception of failure. myself included.
but it's when you take those leaps of faith that you realize you didn't have shit to be afraid of to begin with.
in women who run with the wolves, dr. estes talks about the "predator" that tends to attack women in dreams when they're on the verge of getting in touch with their wild, intuitive, deep selves.
that's what i encountered last night...only it was a far more literal version than the usual bad man in the woods or walk through a dark alley.
i've seen it before.
it happens whenever i shake myself into awareness.
the longer i've been sleeping, the more frightening the awakening is.
but i am a child of ogun.
i am never without my machete. and i rarely lose my way.
i have nothing to be afraid of.
my success has been assured. and i'm on my way to claiming it.
damn the haters.
ashe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)