#10 - cry when i need to, for as long and as hard as i need to. let go. don't suppress discomfort or pain. be vulnerable with yourself if no one else.

hey,

i know we don't talk very often, but i wanted to try to get in touch.

i used to see you a lot more years ago--during the healing--but not so much lately.

if i ignore you, it's because i don't really know how to talk to you, or i think you'll demand something i can't give. for the most part, i know things were good for you, but there were also some harsh things i'm not always sure how to face. i apologize for my cowardice.

that said, i need you to show me who you were. i know you probably saw a lot of things that i'm kind of tapped into now, but not like i really need to be.

i know you had a much clearer vision of who and what you wanted to be* before the world stepped in with all those "you can't..." and "don't you think you should..." things.

can you help me? can you help me to hear what you heard, see what you saw?

like the conversations with angels. i remember how i used to lie in bed and just...talk. and i was answered. i didn't realize until much later that conversations i thought i'd had with one of my parents were really things i asked the air.

i'm sure you're still around...as silly as i can be and as much as i still like playing with toys when the opportunity arises. but it's the deeper things i'm interested in now; the lessons you have to teach. i'd like to hear all those silly, imaginary thoughts you thought--because now i know you can show me which ones i need to cling to now.

anyway, i just wanted you to know i was thinking about you, and i hope we can talk soon. since the baby-dropping dreams** stopped some time ago, we must have healed our relationship at least somewhat. i hope you'll let me know if there's something you need.

see you soon,

o.


*there was something very, very familiar about the sorceress. even the word "sorceress" was beautiful to me. i felt, somehow, that i could either be like her or that i actually had been in some other existence. my favorite episodes of he-man were always ones where she featured prominently.

**i used to have a recurring dream where my mother had a baby (long after her hysterectomy). someone would invariably pass the baby to me and i would always drop him/her, much to my dismay/horror and berate myself horribly for doing so. later, i was told that the baby was probably me, and that i harbored some negative feelings around "dropping" or otherwise neglecting/harming my inner child.