8.23.2008

i will not apologize (c) the roots



to some degree, i agree with her.

on the other hand, hearing she's an israelite got my TKON antenna up...but more on that later.

first of all, i don't expect her to elaborate too much within 4 minutes. and i appreciate her honesty here. that's a reality for many of us (and men as well).

i think that this sista and i have some things in common. we are both lovers of our people, desiring of love, peace, and joy, trying to make our way in this crazy, crazy world. she's obviously a beautiful, intelligent woman, and i appreciate her being brave enough to speak her truth.

secondly, anyone who reads this blog probably knows by now that i don't understand how anyone takes anything in the bible literally.* it makes far more sense as metaphor. i tend to compare literal (mis)understandings of the bible to a group of folks finding a mangled copy of the matrix trilogy 1000 years from now, trying to fill in the plot holes, and calling it the one true religion.

that said...

"blame the feminists" does not and never has flown with me. anyone who has ever seriously researched the movement easily discovers that the feminism this sista alludes to (particularly in its nascent stages) had SHIT to do with women of color. in fact, most white women leaders were neglectful towards, if they didn't outright shun, women of color.

women of color were forced to develop a parallel movement based on their own issues which some later called womanism. black, chicana, latina/hispanic, and native american women have always had different relationships to their men, and the movement for liberation often included things like resisting domestic violence, condemning the criminalization of their men and upholding their culture, language, and family structure.

black women may not have needed to be "liberated" from our men, but we did (and still do) need to liberate ourselves and our mates from the racism, classism, and sexism that plague our lives. again, history tells us that our men did not feel the need to lead women around by their necks until they were influenced by the followers of abraham.

i do agree that there are plenty of sweet, loving, wonderful sistas who act as the embodiments of nurturing, sweetness, compassion, and love. i'm one of them. but i don't see the problem with being "independent", particularly in this day and age.

the statistics are what they are, and the damage has been done. if our mates are late showing up to our lives, should we remain lonely, broke, and unfulfilled in the meantime? if we heal and come into our full selves, we can support and love our brothers while also saying, "come to me ready, or not at all" until they take charge of their own healing processes.

that, to me, is not counterrevolutionary, harsh, or "against god". the consequences of the dance of wounded souls are apparent each and every day. there are too many babies being born to parents who are ill prepared to care for, love, and nurture them. we need to stop, look, listen, and HEAL before we usher the ancestors back into the world.

the socioeconomic separation of black women and men is/was perpetuated by the white supremacist system that viewed women as less threatening (and allowed them to slip under the economic radar with things like domestic work & hair care) and criminalized the men.

i agree that we have fallen into the trap of keeping up with our WASP-y neighbors, but even that wasn't possible until the mid-late 60s and integration. before that, segregation--with all its ills--offered a social, economic, spiritual, and intellectual isolation that actually assisted the black community in many ways.

i just sighed at the commentary on lesbians. sexual abuse and the lack of understanding between the sexes that the author herself alludes to are probably far more salient factors in chosen homosexuality--which i think is blown largely out of proportion by similarly minded folks--than a lack of trust/faith in the black man.

sexuality is a continuum, gender roles are socially/culturally assigned, and some of us are just born that way. the faster we can accept those truths, the better.

having seen a lot of male israelites and very few of their women, i take many of their missives with a heavy dose of salt. i'd be reluctant to join up with any group that seems to only involve women as an afterthought and/or as a mere accompaniment to the male backbone of the organization.

*steps off soapbox*

thanks for your time.

*i do believe that the old testament was meant to be taken literally, HOWEVER, it was also speaking to the very specific culture, law and mores of a particular group of people. that group was pretty small, and most african ppl at the time didn't have jack to do with it. it's also quite difficult to understand in the absence of complete study of the torah (some of that's oral, y'all) and other jewish scriptures.

the new testament is a series of esoteric metaphors, largely meant for initiates. based on what i've seen/read, it was not taken literally in its day and should not be now. if you can dig deep enough to get to the meaning behind the metaphor, be my guest. but it's been my experience that the "keys to the kingdom" are far more accessible in metaphysical systems such as yoga, hinduism, orisa, vodou, akan, native american/indigenous spirituality, etc., and that's why they are perceived as a threat.

8.21.2008

self love # 3

"Here," she said, "in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard... And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, you!"

~Baby Suggs, from
Beloved


massage training helped me gain a new appreciation for hands and touch.

according to my mother, i have my grandmother's hands...that's always fascinated me since those are the only parts of her i remember with any certainty.





these days, i feel like they spend a lot of time covered in shea butter, palm oil, or dishwater.




but they're mine, and i love them.

the power of ritual

i started in on another pity party today, and decided enough was enough.

i started looking online for techniques for releasing anger, and found this.

it's a brief, but very effective ritual. i modified it a little according to my intuition (e.g., i found it necessary to cool/clear the energy after the release), but i'm glad that i found it now that the moon is waning. it's an excellent time to remove and lift things that are no longer serving, so that i can start fresh with the new moon at the end of the month.

i feel lighter already. and i'm thankful.

8.20.2008

self love #2

the girls! (totally PG, don't get excited. lol)






one of my profile pics. i'm rather partial to my collarbones/neckline. tee hee.

8.13.2008

pitter patter

i heard a bunch of kids playing outside last night, and it kinda made me feel a way about how things could have been.

i often find myself torn between the joyous freedom and flexibility of my kid-free life, and the wonder i feel around the experience of pregnancy, birthing and mothering.

but, all things considered, i've decided that kids are, at best, optional. at worst, they're a statistical improbability.

emotionally, it's not so cut and dry.

8.11.2008

chasing amy

ok, so, i got chasing amy from netflix recently, seeing as it's one of those movies that everyone kept telling me i had to see.

my relationship with kevin smith had a rocky start. i was in my late h.s./early college years when he was putting out clerks and mallrats. cosmo tried to get me into his stuff, but...i simply wasn't feeling it. i recall him attempting to indoctrinate me during a lazy saturday afternoon in bed. about 10 minutes into mallrats, i demanded that he "turn this shit off".

now, with a little more life experience and a slightly modified sense of humor, i'm cool with smith. i loved dogma on sight, and he's probably one of the few people who's stuff i'd throw down $8-10 to see, no questions asked.

so, back to chasing amy.

the whole madonna/whore dichotomy has always pissed me off. when holden made his plea to alyssa in the car, my heart melted. i started thinking of how much i miss being in love, those first stirrings of knowing that this person is just wonderfully right for you (at least for now...lol), and building up to the first moment you let them know. the honesty, the passion, all that romantic shit.

and then he finds out--via an infantile, sexually frustrated, hatin ass so-called best friend--that the girl has a "past" and throws it all away.

...only to wise up later.

dumbass.

having been on alyssa's end of this latent male wisdom, i'm sorry i didn't see this sooner. it might have cushioned some of the blows i've gotten since.

i would rant and rave over where hayden got off blasting alyssa for living a little, but i know where he got off.

just like i know where banky got off with his the-man-doth-protest-too-much homophobia.

praise be to my mom & dad, i don't know what it's like to be uptight about just about every bodily function and every position that ain't missionary. but a lot of folks do--and are still living there well into adulthood.

hence hayden's hangups and inability to cope with alyssa--who, to me, embodied the free-wheeling, no holds barred feminine principle.

and we all know what happened to the feminine principle.

the movie touches on the ways in which sons are guided while daughters are either imprisoned or left to fend for themselves (e.g. alyssa's parents never being home). our desires are worthless, fleeting, and/or inconsequential.

boys get to take over the world while girls walk around in a daze wondering why they're here at all--unless it's to get the boys, who are in charge, to like them.

alyssa's what happens when (a) the "good girl" type isn't properly internalized and (b) the boys don't matter so much.

and men wonder why their girlfriends don't tell them shit. 90% of y'all couldn't handle it if we did.

what alyssa (and the proverbial amy) said was true: if we want you, we want you. all the other stuff doesn't matter.

we have to find ourselves just like you do, only there's no "wrong" way for men to do so.

kudos to smith for turning this stuff on its head and bringing it to the light of day as, i suppose, only a good catholic boy could do.

menfolks: i love y'all, i swear i do, but PLEASE find a way to handle the egos. thanks.

8.10.2008

another love daughter

may i present sensualizer, a sista i became acquainted with through myspace.

she has created a virtual church to the power of womanhood that i am greatly enjoying.

hope you like it, too.

self love #1

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

~maya angelou








8.09.2008

she will be loved...

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

8.08.2008

i've returned...

somewhere between last night and this morning, i came back.

lately, i'm aware of these gray spells...spontaneous underworld excursions that twist me and turn me until i'm nearly exhausted.

and then i come back.

suddenly the dreams and whispers make sense. i don't feel like i'm walking in a haze or trying to see through a barely transparent veil.

i'm joyful, comforted, and comforting.
prayers are answered.

it all seems to be related to the moon...when it goes dark, so do i. as it waxes, i become more empowered. by the full moon, i'm wide-eyed and captivated, in love with the world.

i suppose i should have expected a month with two eclipses and two new moons to be a rollercoaster ride.

i'm learning. slowly, but i'm learning.

8.07.2008

she got me...

ok, i'll bite...

10 years ago: oh goddess...these are always difficult. i can never remember things in terms of years. i would have been 20. in college. 1998. the year before i met him again. i don't remember who i was dating. i spent a lot of time in college getting over the culture shock and counting the days til i could see the baltimore skyline again...

5 things on today's to-do list:
1. keep from crying. (too much. in front of people.)
2. straighten up/wash the dishes.
3. have at least one decent dream and remember to write it down.
4. get up on time in the morning.
5. allow myself to be myself.

snacks i enjoy:
trader joe's white popcorn.
anything milk chocolate and caramel-filled.
potato chips!
cashews

things i would do if i were a millionaire:
buy a house.
travel incessantly
invest like hell...make that money make money
get all my best friends on a plane and take us somewhere fantastic
get more pets
get initiated in nigeria and take my family/ile with me
give a few hundred thousand dollars away to people doing good shit
take the time to sit down and write something
go shopping!!!
hire a housekeeper


5 places i've lived : there haven't been 5 (wow). just my mom's house, boston, and my apartment.

on my mind...

grief
hope
getting back to me
impatience
passion
books
growth
pain
movement
confusion
beauty
help
strength
friendship
safety
waiting
love
frustration
wanting
disassociation
vacation
ecstasy

7.30.2008

balancing act

sometimes i feel like it's too much work for me to take care of me.

if i focus on the house, my diet suffers.
a bad bout of pms, and my house goes to hell. (eating habits, too)
if i go on a pampering binge, laundry doesn't get done.

etc and so on.

i know i've been emotionally spoiled. i.e., when a tangible, profound exchange of love and loving is not happening in my life, i notice it. blame the comfort and security of my childhood.

i know that there are far worse things to be, know, and long for. i'm not knocking my blessings. my ori wisely chose this path, probably so i would not have to struggle through all sorts of psychological and emotional trauma.

however, for most of my adult life, i've been able to easily replace that familial loving with some very dynamic lovers, suitors, paramours, and the like.

i don't think that will be as easy now.

it takes more to get me open than it did at 18 or 23, and that's as it should be.

but i still miss the love.
what can i do about that?

then again, i also miss my disposable income, energy, and yoga classes.

there's gotta be a happy medium.

7.28.2008

a reminder.

if you're half steppin, don't bother steppin at all.
i don't want maybes, buts, excuses or apologies.

if you want me, say so.
if you don't, say that too.

if you want to know, ask, and i'll tell you.
if you hold up a jewel in front of me, it'd better be for me.

yeah, tension's ok and all, but right now? i want satisfaction.

i've done enough waiting.
i've had enough of sometimes, almosts, and coulda/shouldas.

i need firm ground to stand on, promises fulfilled, adoration repaid.

if you've promised me nothing, you owe me nothing.
but don't come knocking and talking big, 'cause that'll get you nowhere.

potential means very little.
i'm sorry, but that ship has sailed.
results, movement, progress, evolution...that's everything.

i'd rather be that woman and keep my soul than watch it wither away and call it a home.


...and i'm going to keep saying it until he shows up.

the he who can do what he says...not just think about it or visualize it.
who isn't afraid.
who doesn't back down--from me or himself.
who will fight for me like i'll fight for him.
who will know that i'm his from my walk, my smile, and my laugh.
who realizes that not being co-dependent doesn't mean i don't need him.


this rant brought to you by a bona fide omo sango moment. kawo kabiyesile!

7.27.2008

fresh

beginnings of the new altar




overhead view (those are goddess figurines on the right...moon/bird, earth/voluptuous venus, quan yin)




$5 angel figurine i found at the salvation army...i didn't intend to put her there, but she felt perfect. i think it's the expression on her face. and that's one of my favorite ways to seat myself, too.

7.26.2008

playing along...

got this over here...

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you're cool…

Opening Credits:
saul williams, "sunday bloody sunday"
uh...

Waking Up:
cassandra wilson, "tarot"
that could work. i need to be told "don't give up" lately.

First Day At School:
d'angelo, "smooth"
never. lol. i'm always a wreck.

Falling In Love:
common, "the people"
wtf?

Fight Song:
meshell n'degeocello, "headline"
???

Breaking Up:
madlib, "sitar ride"
*shrug*

Prom:
rachelle ferrell, "i can explain"
that actually fits...it was a rather traumatic evening...

Life:
jamiroquai, "you are my love"
hmm...

Mental Breakdown:
4hero, "2-BS-74638"
does sound a little unstable...

Driving:
meshell n., "mu-min"
depends on the drive...

Flashback:
cassandra wilson, "love is blindness"
LOL. yeah. could be...

Getting Back Together:
adele, "best for last"
perfect, considering my last situation.

Wedding:
adele, "tired"
wow.

Birth of Child:
erykah badu, "time's a wastin"
no $hit...

Final Battle:
madlib, "dark alley incidental music"
i can dig it.

Death Scene:
ursula rucker, "broken"
good title...

Funeral Song:
adele, "chasing pavements"
hmm...

End Credits:
bugz in the attic, "dreams come true"
i hope so...

7.25.2008

...in the spirit of rebuilding

it's time to re-imagine the goddesspace.

the energy's shifted significantly. even the pothos cutting has wilted quite a bit.

this isn't unusual or distressing--it often happens when i create this sort of space. eventually i have to dismantle and clear it, then start with something new.

it's been almost a year, so it's a good sign that the prayers and intentions i've put in have done their work, and it's time to move to the next phase.

this incarnation will probably focus on clarity and vision, which means more white/clear things. completely new candles. particular arrangements of crystals. i may skip the earth elements (stones, plants) in favor of more air and ether.

maybe...

3 tealights (body, mind, spirit, triple goddess, etc.)
goddess card spreads
plenty of quartz, aquamarine, and amethyst

it's tempting to start building it now, but better to wait for the new moon.

...i can still make a trip to ikea, though!

and i still really, really want my love room...

one day.

steppin to the mic

thinking about this entry again...

i went to an open mic last night at the urging of a couple of talented brothas, and i had a nice time. lots of very talented folks came through and performed.

i also realized that i have no desire to go back to that scene--at least not as a participant.

i'm not saying i'll never write a poem again--i just wrote one the other day--and i'd most certainly go to poetry/spoken word events ("i need to get out more" is a vast understatement). but i don't have any need to share my own musings beyond these online spaces.

the selective stage fright has dissipated. the idea of reading doesn't fill me with dread, but there's also no burning need to speak my peace.

time and space, apparently, have neutralized me.

i'm always going to write because, well, it's what i do. but perform? probably not.

for now, i'll keep (most of) my notebooks, but there will be a massive digital purge. it's all just dead creative weight at this point; fragments that have been lying around for so many years, there's no way to know how to reassemble them.

some things i've "thought" of, i've seen written since. it was my personal proof of the theory that ideas are literally floating through the air, and you and 500 other folks might discover a concept at the same time, but only one or two will actually flesh it out in a way that exposes it to the wider world. the other 498-499 will simply think you a genius when you do.

i've probably lost more half novels and semi second drafted stories than i've ever written--either to outdated technology, the death of my laptop, lost disks, torn up notebooks, etc. and so on--hence the paragraph under this blog's title.

and i'm not sad about it.

i don't know if it's because i'm still finding my voice, or that i'm just not meant to write the next great (american?) novel.

but i'm coming to think of writing as not my calling, but simply a vessel of expression i excel at.

perhaps i will write a book or a blog about my calling that will pull it all together...

but, i'm not a slam poet.
or a mc.
i'm probably not even a novelist or story writer, despite my bits of training.

just a girl who plays with words now and then.

7.24.2008

i want to write...

but every word is a dagger, like the little mermaid's footsteps.

it's all too raw, too unprocessed to let out. at least to the interwebs.

but i want to write it.

as usual, it's probably the only way i'll make sense of the whole mess.

7.23.2008

sigh.

i'm piggybacking her joint today. i heard about this mess several days ago, but didn't know how to respond, or if it was even worth it.

she pretty much hit the nail on the head.

i posted on okp for several years, mostly during college. while i made some good friends through the site--online and off--i've also seen just how ugly and petty it can get over there.

newsflash, y'all: a whole lot of women would be living the life erykah's living if they had the financial capability and emotional/spiritual understanding she does.

dudes wanna get their boxers in a bunch when they realize that truly conscious women, ones who are interested in living their best, most authentic lives, might just wanna have their babies and raise them and leave the rest be. in fact, some women have been forced to do so already.

remember this video? a lot of women would like that life.

many men's views of what a conscious woman is and/or should be are couched in the concepts, ideals, and mores of veiled (or not so veiled) patriarchial systems.

in other words, more of the same--they just call you queen while they do it.

but there are other women who've come to their consciousness above and beyond those systems. others have even attempted to reform and reimagine those systems in their own images. and that's when the labeling starts.

e.g., it's cool to be a good rasta woman or a righteous earth, but erykah's just a kemetic-slang spittin' poser.

riiiight.

7.21.2008

hurricane [you]

i'm glad that i've progressed to the point where i can recognize a trigger and deal with it.

that i am well past the place where i would call an innocent man and completely kirk out on him.

that i can write a poem, talk to a friend, or cry instead.

but i wonder how many women* stay stuck in that place where, if someone hits that nerve, they turn into a hurricane of fury and pain.

every time i see a hapless looking dude getting cussed out in the street, i wonder.

is she really yelling at him?

or is she yelling at her father?
her rapist?
the dirty old man at the corner store?
the disappointment?
the dude who left her semi-homeless and with children to feed?
her mother?
the grandmother who raised her but obviously didn't want to?

who are we truly angry with?
who can we forgive?
what do we do with the pain they leave behind?



*of course this can apply to people in general.

7.20.2008

black & blue

i recall the sensation
of your fingertips grazing my hips...

they wanted to get to know you
you seemed to want the same.

there's been lots of silence since.
the hands transposed with daggers
memories laced with dolor.

convivial conversations in sweetened sunshine
ended in bitter tears
falling into sunday morning tea.

no consolation
fearing confrontation
immobilized by the past
uncertain of the future.

the spirits said...
then you did...
left reeling, confused, bruised
ego cradling.

i don't know what you want
but if you're leaving, take my crystal ball.

the others cracked it
now i can see the spider web taking shape...

it's useless to me.

maybe you can ground it into pixie dust.

i need a different spell.


(c) l.a.m. 2008

7.19.2008

the moon is waning...

my intuition feels...off. or maybe he's just confusing. i don't know anymore, and this thing isn't enough of a "thing" to try to figure it out.

there's still a lot of this feeling. i don't know whether to throw it off or wrap it around me like a blanket.

the house needs cleaning, but i still don't have the energy. i don't know why clearing space can be so difficult at times. there's still a suitcase beside the couch from the florida trip for chrissakes.

i feel like i've hit some kind of wall...a messy wall. i'm not quite sure what i want to do with these feelings.

i need to use this poem as a prayer.

i just realized i've been drinking water almost steadily for the last couple of hours. i'm sure i need it.

eh. i'm not saying shit.

i'm gonna throw on something from my itunes folder and type up some more pages. if i'm gonna be stuck in the house on a saturday night, i can at least be productive.

maferefun yemonja

mother whose children are the fish

7.17.2008

mmmm hmm...

this is one of those cycles where i feel like i need to give birth...there's little bloating, but i feel heavy and awkward anyway. i can't wait for the flow to bring some relief.

and i would love...

7.15.2008

singlehood chronicles #3

i'm coming to realize that the hurt hasn't gone away.

i forgive him, per se. person-to-person i hold no grudge.

but i'm still stuck with the emotional fallout.

how am i supposed to trust anyone with myself/my dreams again?

how will my relationships be defined from here and beyond, now that kids/marriage/picket fenced houses are not the obvious "goal" (at least not for me)?

what do i need to do to reconstruct my life/ideas around being--for the foreseeable future--a completely single woman? do i pour myself into work/creativity/the grind? do i have to keep a special space open, or will space be made at the appropriate time?

i don't want to miss out on a good thing, but i don't know how to stand the wait, either.

it's similar to how i felt when cosmo disappeared on me all those years ago: helpless, frustrated, alone, frightened, and angry.

even so, it's not like i'm gonna run out and find me a man, 'cause that wouldn't help, either.

i just need to get my bearings. since i am not used to being knocked off my square, it can take some time to recover from the shock when i am.

but i will find my way. i always do.


addendum (7.17.2008)--a melancholy has settled over the entire enterprise. i think i'm going to focus on finding ways to please and pleasure myself...dealing with outside interests seems too tiring.

it's amazing how quickly the jubliation i felt in late spring around being courted has given way to this. oh well. such is life.

7.14.2008

mujer soledad

rough day at work...pretty big screw up, but at least there wasn't anyone important around to see. i'm hoping i fixed it.

lots of last minute wrangling...at least i prepared for that.

ego's sorely bruised. didn't prepare for that. didn't think i had to.

kinda feeling that whole "i doubt i'll ever be anyone's mother/wife..." thing again.

had to avoid an argument i don't even understand the root of.

the candle won't burn over my prayer.

get paid tomorrow, but i know that won't be the end of the money woes. is there ever an end to those?

i'm tired.
probably a little lonely.
and very, very sad.

i tried to take a deep breath, suck it up, pull myself up by my stubbornly proud bootstraps...

but i can't right now.
it hurts.
all of it.

and i don't even think it's the hormones talking.

for the first time in awhile, i'm very aware of my alone-ness. that there isn't someone to help shoulder the burden*. that there are a lot of hopes and dreams that just aren't on the table in any real way right now, and i don't have the energy to sit by the window and wistfully hope for them.

they're just...not there. and i can't count on them being there, no matter what the shells say. this is the one area where my faith can sincerely fail me.

deep down i'm a dreamer, so that's extraordinarily heartbreaking.

but until i find a soft place to rest, that's my life.

and if i'm supposed to wait patiently--heart open and bleeding, palms to the sky--for the universe to send me a marvel, then maybe i'm not ready. 'cause i simply cannot be that vulnerable right now.

for the foreseeable future, i work for me. period. even if i do it through tears.

at least they'll be my tears.


*family/friends are the exceptions to this statement. i love both, and they're always there for me. this is more about relationships.

7.11.2008

the best laid plans...

i left work with all kinds of hopes and dreams swimming in my head...

doing my hair
cleaning up a bit
writing
conjuring
maybe some flirtation thrown in or a bit of cooking...

but the hormones took over.

and now i'm just tired
cranky
and hot
with a sink full of dishes staring me down.

bought a pizza i probably had no business eating or buying
(at least i didn't eat ALL of it...)
then sat down and started aimlessly cruising the web.

now i'm exhausted
and haven't conjured
or written
or done my hair
or cleaned.

in fact, i think i've made more of a mess.

it is imperative that i remember to take my b vitamin tomorrow...

7.10.2008

i need to be grateful.

there have been too many rants and raves lately. so here goes:

low humidity summer mornings
summer, period
billie holiday records
sweet kisses
a cat that knows just when to love me up & watch over me
family
basil
florida tans
baths
cotton
sista circles
pedicures
watching the moon grow a little each night
rosewater
knowing what i need and how to make it happen

7.08.2008

one denial away from a temper tantrum...

another day stuffed with pockets of frustration.

it's 10pm and i've barely settled in, but i've gotta find a way to get to bed anyway.

work's demanding.

briefly thought about going out, but i'm stone broke.

i didn't eat lunch, but i at least got a bottle of water in.

lovers are quiet.

dreams are elusive.

your blessing will come with the full moon.
i hope so.

the egun are whispering, patience, child. patience.

i'm trying.
i really am.

normally i am patient. i don't mind waiting, biding my time.

but suddenly the very thought of having to wait a moment longer for anything makes me want to scream and holler.

what am i in such a rush to get to?

7.07.2008

use your words

...that's the message i'm working with right now.

so i need to write. often. i need to finish one of these half-assed projects that's been rolling around in my head for the past few years.

i suppose that's all well and good. at least it would be if i weren't so...

frustrated
overstimulated
fiercely impatient
overfed
insatiable
tired
cranky
temperamental
dissatisfied
hot (as in warm. literally.)

...aching like a starving goddess with no living medium to remember her name.

it's probably underutilized and stagnant creative energy bubbling up to the surface.

i'd like it to shut up and go away. or at least simmer down.

but i suppose i'll have to bear with the discomfort until i determine how i'm going to use it...

7.06.2008

around the house...

holy water




stuffed zucchini (breadcrumbs, tomatoes, garlic, etc.)





one of my favorite symbols on a shirt i hardly wear

7.05.2008

between heaven and earth

i feel like i can't breathe...

my antennae are up, and the heat's swirling around my head again.

i feel like i need to sing, dance...use my body. writing it out isn't enough.

i've been back at home for a few hours. sometimes this space feels too full of memories and yet-to-be's to be comfortable anymore.

...that probably means it's time to call out some things and smudge the entire place.

the neighborhood negroes are still setting off firecrackers, some of which sound more like pipe bombs. i also had to kill a spider solo earlier, which always puts me on edge.

part of me wants to force myself to sleep, but i know i'm not that tired. i'd be up again at 3am, stir crazy.

i can't sit still long enough to watch my dvds (just started season 3 of the wire...).

i'm doing some half assed web surfing, but that's not satisfying, either.

if i had some money, i'd go out...but then again, i'd also probably drink too much than is good for me, trying to work myself into a socially acceptable trance.

eventually i'll probably get a headache, light a ton of candles, and fall asleep out of sheer frustration.

7.04.2008

constant surprises

it's amazing how i can see the patterns, lessons and dreams that led me to someone; how all the experiences of this and past lifetimes weave the lens i see through.

consequently, it doesn't take me long to figure out what i want, how i want it, and how long i want it for.

and i can feel myself wanting to try again.
that's scary.

but it's different this time.

spells have been broken. karma relieved of its duty.

i feel safe enough to open up, relax, enjoy, and please...yet i'm still awake/wary enough to wait, watch, and listen.

even if i slipped and fell, i could still walk away.

still...i hope it's as real as it feels.




I was walking home
Looking at the trees
Got the feeling that they
Were looking back at me

Thoughts that occurred to me
Were not of the usual kind
And I don’t take that for granted no
I don’t call them mine
I don’t call them mine
‘Cause in my life things
Are built on
They're built on

Constant surprises
Coming my way
Some call it coincidence
But I like to call it fate

The higher forces want to connect
Last night in my dream I was talking to you
You know who you are
Were you dreaming too
‘Cause in my life
Things are built on
Are built on

Constant surprises
Coming my way
Some call it coincidence
But I like to call it fate

Then on my way home I met this guy
He was not so shy
You know not that kind
We spoke and suddenly I could read his mind
You think it’s mad
But I don’t fool myself
You think its odd
‘Cause in my life
In my life things are built on
They're built on
They're built on

Constant surprises
Coming my way
Some call it coincidence
But I like to call it fate

y'all remember this?

one of my fave hip hop songs ever...

6.22.2008

baby girl

since a certain someone keeps asking about my inner child...

i think i relate to her as a poor mother relates to her child at christmas: baby wants everything, and there's no way of getting the money to give it to her. i hardly dare to wonder if she'll love me regardless.

inadequacy, disappointment, sadness, loss...that sort of thing.

i'm probably much more terse with her than i ought to be, or than she deserves.

there are moments of joy, teaching, mutual appreciation. glimpses of something like a relationship.

but every other day feels like christmas eve. and there's nothing under the tree with her name on it.

(i'm sure this is related to the womb re-opening...still processing.)

6.21.2008

singlehood chronicles #2

well, one down, one more to go. my friends have begun to regale me, once again, with the title of "pimp". LOL.

i'm sure there are more to meet...the summer's young, and there are still plenty of festivals & outdoor activities, etc.

(ex)honey and i have settled into a comfortable friendship that i enjoy. i'm glad that we've come around to being able to care for and about one another--even share dating tips--without the stress and strain that had started to hang over our relationship.

cosmo's cool, i guess...

...and there's supposed to be someone on the way. my true mate/husband. i still feel too gun shy for anything that deep, but these things typically happen when they're meant, not necessarily when you're "ready".

stay tuned...

checking in...

well, i'm happy to say that the cleansing went well. for the first time in years, i'm experiencing premenstrual cramps on my left side as well as my right.

i'm also seriously considering a more vegan-ized diet. "vegan-ized" because while i want to avoid things that will impact my health/comfort, i didn't change my diet for purely political reasons--although i understand and am in line with the political, environmental, spiritual and social ramifications of my eating/food purchasing habits.

i also don't plan on avoiding products that contain eggs so much as i hope to get away from, say, omelets or mini-quiches. cheese has, for all intents and purposes, become a rare treat. i think in the last six months, i've had pizza all of twice--a huge step for me. when ordering out, i omit cheese or substitute it with a non-dairy alternative.

i'm also experiencing a lingering sense of dissatisfaction. i'm feeling restless, bored. caged in.

i promised myself that i would not leave this job until and unless it was for a true move forward--and, in this moment, i still can't say i know what i'm truly meant to be doing. which means i also don't have a plan for getting there. i'm going to have to start giving that some serious thought.

there are also all kinds of ideas and words jumping through my mind...i can't really make sense of them. the words won't form. before the sango dream earlier this week, i hadn't had any meaningful ones for almost a month.

creatively i've been stalled for some time. i don't really hope for poems or stories...i suppose because i never have time to just sit and let the ideas wash over me anymore. my journaling has slipped significantly.

i suppose this is the beginning of another skin-shedding...but i'm not sure to what end.

6.18.2008

maferefun sango



i had a dream where i was trying to avoid a lightning storm.
eventually it caught up to me.

when the lightning struck, it didn't kill or maim me, it surrounded me. it flowed with my aura as a sort of shield. i could direct it outward through my hands, or pull the energy within.

clearly, baba was teaching me a lesson.

it reminded me of when yemonja handed me rocks that turned into beautiful shells...i don't have to fear the energies that reside within. i need to use and manipulate them for growth and change.


Alaafin, ekun bu, a sa
Alaafin, (the king of Oyo) snarls like a leopard and the people run away

Eleyinju ogunna
One whose eyeballs glow like charcoal

Olukoso lalu
Olukoso, the famous one of the city

A ri igba ota, segun
One who uses hundreds of cartridges to win victory in war

Eyi ti o fi alapa segun ota re
One who used pieces of broken walls to defeat his enemies

Kabiyesi o
We honor you

Ase

6.13.2008

stubbornness gets me nowhere...

i'm back here again. body's set up a little rebellion. it thinks it's cute.

no matter. i'll do what i need to do to get back to balance.

i'll probably have more to say once i've done a bit more house cleaning.

what's natural, what isn't, the ownership of african tradition, and other related obscurities

i want to speak to my african traditional religion (atr) folks for a minute.

for the most part, i don't know who reads this thing. there could be a few of y'all out there, and i hope you comment, because i think it's high time that a dialogue is started--among priests and aborishas (i.e., non-priesthood level practitioners/shrine-keepers) alike.

several months ago i met a priest and her family who are doing the work to unify yoruba practitioners and other atr folks. they have already traveled to several countries to observe various diasporan practices and plan to use our common beliefs to strengthen our people and our communities. they essentially wish to illuminate the fact that the lanugages we speak and the names for the orisa only differ as a factor of, as i like to say, when you got off the boat. the source is the same. their philosophy branches out to the understanding that, at our core, we are all africans, there is only one god(dess)/creator entity, and we all ought to be striving towards wholeness and unity.

there was no mention as to whether or not the people they are seeking to unify should pass a paper bag test, nor was there mention around who they should be sleeping with.

typically, when i meet continental atr priests--at least in the yoruba tradition-- their first concerns are iwa pele (character) and knowledge. in other words, are these people who are truly living up to the standards and dictates of their ori, ifa, and the orisa, or are they power mongering? were they trained properly? do they know the proper rituals, prayers, etc.? their level of ase and understanding doesn't rest on their heterosexuality or degree of "blackness"--phenotypical or otherwise. it's about living right.

diasporan atr folks can be quite different. there are plenty who think any white american priest is an interloper or culture vulture. the views on homosexuality are varied. some are ok with it, as long as they choose black partners. others are vehemently against it, claiming it's unnatural and that none of our ancestors were ever gbltq until they were exposed to the culture and depravity of europeans.

there are a few things wrong with this.

because of our unique history in the united states, it can be easy to forget that there are some whitefolks who are "blacker" than african americans (see: passing). hence, it is certainly possible that some white americans were born with ties to african spiritual lineages and could be charged to do some ancestral "clean up", so to speak.

in my ile, the importance of egbe is acknowledged along with ori, ancestors (egun/egungun) and the orisa. your egbe consists of friends from previous lives, e.g., adopted family members, former spouses, close family friends, etc. all those of good character who walk with us in the spirit world are acknowledged.

who is anyone to tell me that i cannot pray or make offerings of gratitude to a white person who may have helped one of my blood ancestors to freedom? what about the relationships forged in the era when just about every poor person wanting to come to america was condemned to indentured servitude?

we do not always know everything about who walks with us. the spirit is what lives on, not the societal attitudes and contradictions.

now, that's not to say that there aren't pimps and players out there. there are. but they cross all kinds of ethnic and cultural lines. there are plenty of black priests who, in the name of uplifting folks, are perpetuating the same westernized dichotomies, patriarchy, -isms, and psychological menace that whitefolks have thrown upon us. and it's a problem on the continent, too.

as far as the homosexuality issue, i ask: how can we know?

we in the diaspora are now several generations removed from africa. even in brazil, where africans were imported into the late 19th century, you'd probably have to look back to a great-great grandparent or further to find someone from the continent.

since african history is oral and tribe/clan-based, how can we say that there were no gbltq people or communities, particularly when clear gender roles dominated so much of african life. males and females had different puberty rites and, often, separate living quarters for much of their lives.

along with that, several orisa are known to be androgynous "gender benders". even clearly "masculine" and "feminine" spirits often have attributes and paths where they are considered of the opposite gender.

if we follow the logic of the spirituality, if someone is born with the ase of one of these orisa, how can we say it's "unnatural" that they grow into a glbtq identity?

riddle me that, y'all.

6.03.2008

r. kelly is not worth this many pixels, but...

i was listening to the radio this morning and heard some pretty crazy stuff re: this r. kelly trial.

i'm about to give far too much voice to this than i ever wanted to, but after hearing some of the ridiculousness coming from the mouths of grown folks who ought to know better, i wanted to at least list a few things:

one.
i was VERY grateful for the caller who mentioned that she had been molested for several years as an adolescent, and spoke to the "normalization" of the behavior that occurs. when someone is manipulating you, or you're coerced into doing traumatic things with someone you have been conditioned to love and trust, you tell yourself it's normal to get through it. in the worst cases where the abuse starts around school age (or before) and continues nearly indefinitely, it most certainly becomes a normal part of life; it's embedded in the earliest memories one has.

she also mentioned that although she's now well into her 20s, it was only fairly recently that she came to understand that it wasn't her fault.

it's probably very difficult to understand for someone not trained in human psychology or who has been through it, but it's a very true and real thing.


two.
this is reason #402,385 why HEALTHY sexuality/sensuality and all that goes with that (safer sex, self esteem, positive touch, needs/desires/urges...) needs to be discussed thoroughly and often with children and adolescents.

it's also another good reason to end the silence around sexual abuse/child molestation. a few of those callers were yelping like hit dogs (or, ladies that doth protest too much, for you non-southerners). and since victims will often blame themselves first, cries of "it was her fault she put herself in that situation..." are common. which brings me to my final point...


three.
the ridiculousness of blaming the victim / "bad girl" syndrome.

look. the whole notion that this girl "had a choice", "looked like she knew what she was doing", etc. just doesn't fly. i was so glad when one of the hosts made the distinction of saying, "she knew what she was doing physically..."

hear me: arruh was the adult*. he had the burden of responsibility, trust, and discretion. just because you KNOW she's up for the task doesn't mean you go there. we're not talking about two 14-15 yr olds, or even a 14 year old and an 18 year old. this was a child and a grown ass man. apples and oranges.

...and even if she was a "bad girl" (which is laden with its own nonsense), why's she bad enough to allow a golden shower at 14? what kind of love, affection, attention, and validation is she missing? do we know whether or not she was ever abused sexually? no one seems to be asking about that. just easier to label her a hot-in-the-ass slut and move on, i guess.

that's all. i'm just sick of having my stomach turn whenever i hear blk folks chime in on these kinds of situations.



*i use this term loosely. word 'round the campfire is that he might be fixated at some point in adolescence and/or childhood himself (for the record, i've always thought michael jackson was, too). r. may not be a pedophile (who is distinguished, if i remember correctly, by an actual sexual attraction to children for their own sake), per se. instead, he may see these younger girls as his peers. doesn't make it right, just another angle.

6.01.2008

a dream i'd like to see come true...

(the video/audio are out of sync, but bear with it)

i happened to find this while browsing myspace this morning.

it's always amazed me how, in a culture still so centered around the worship of the goddess--including the creative/destructive power of the great mother--women can be treated so badly in their daily lives.

but, as in most places infected with western/euro-based patriarchy and goddess demonization, the schizophrenia runs deep.

5.27.2008

singlehood chronicles #1

i noticed that i've avoided writing too much about myself lately--even slacking on my journaling. instead, i've been doing a lot of internal processing, trying to figure out the best way to articulate what i've been feeling...

things are good. i've been having fun, meeting interesting people. i'm also learning just how much the last few years have changed me.

i am much less wlling to give up space, time, and, most of all, myself.

i realize that i'm still able to share myself physically while not allowing many inroads to my mental state. i've heard that's one of the many pisces paradoxes that make us equally irresistible and infuriating.

it's also interesting how long i existed without the level of physical attention and affection i prefer. this has caused me to develop an almost ruthless analysis around kiss, touch, etc. exposure to an openly affectionate man--other than a family member or friend--has been both enlightening and an adjustment.

sometimes i find myself forgetting that, at my core, i am very physically affectionate. i've simply suppressed many of those tendencies since (a) my ex wasn't around much to benefit from them and (b) it takes time to figure out how other people will interpret it, so i remain reserved until i'm assured some measure of safety.

my boundaries are firm:

i am determined not to just give myself away because "he seems nice" or "we get along, so why not?" the "i do not have to diffuse my love..." mantra really worked on me.

exclusivity will be my choice in my own time and not determined by my empathy. thankfully it's become easier to not allow others' emotions to blend into my own.

falling in like/lust is fine, but loving has become something much deeper and wider for me than "falling" into it. i can't fully explain it, but when it comes around again, it will be a completely different ride.

so, that's where i am. i'll sit back and see where it takes me.

5.24.2008

today's psa: children are NOT weeds.*

sigh.

rape dat ho? really?

has no one talked to these kids about how serious rape is?

...before i go there, a caveat: dancing like this is not new, nor is it necessarily a horrible thing. baltimore's comparable to miami (i hear) in that "dirty" dancing is how we get down. i've seen and participated in this kind of stuff at high school dances and clubs--albeit to a lesser degree. no big deal.

let's face it: teenagers are horny. all that dry humping to a beat can help let off some steam and avoid the messy complications of attempting actual sex.

however, i think the proliferation of overtly sexual music videos and a few other factors have stirred the pot in ways we weren't privy to in the early-mid 90s.

you had to turn on b.e.t's midnight love--if you were allowed to stay up that late--to see the kind of stuff that's on a constant loop on mtv these days.

my parents didn't care if i watched music videos all day. even if NWA came on, the worst thing i'd probably see was a gun waved around and a girl in some lingerie. for the most part, rappers showcased clothed b-girls for sex appeal (when they used them at all), and even the raunchier female rappers were still fairly covered.

not so now.

even with that, there were still some invaluable things that assisted in the understanding that the word rape was not something you tossed around like a frisbee.

there was health class, for one. i don't know if budget cuts or nclb (groan) or whatever have eliminated this little gem, but health class is where we learned about everything from condoms to birth. there were segments on STIs, and we touched on things like sexual assault, date rape and the like. now, i could have had an exceptional teacher or curriculum, i don't know. but i do know that i walked out of middle school knowing some things about how to protect and care for myself, and i think a lot of my classmates did, too.

i also wonder how much of a factor traditional judeo-christian spirituality is, particularly with so many grandparents raising grandchildren. there are various reasons i don't believe in complete and utter chastity until marriage, however, i can respect a church that combines the message of conservative sexuality with practical and lifesaving information far more than the load of crap that is abstinence only education.

i fear for any young person growing up in a house where it's forbidden to speak frankly about sex, (physical/earthly/human-to-human) love, and protection because "you're not supposed to be doing that til you get married 'cause god said so, so don't ask."

teens are going to want to try things. they're naturally curious, impulsive and probably starved for information about the bodies they have to live and breathe in every day. the silence and denial (what were you doin, grandmama, when those blue lights went on in the basement?) is not helping anyone.

teenagers are tricky. they can be cynical, moody, and unpredictable. but they also have all the intellectual curiosity and potential they did as younger children. we should be taking advantage of that time to trust and mold them into confidently well-informed human beings, not trying to shut them up or shove them into boxes where they don't fit.

'cause when we do, this is what happens.



*my mother is fond of saying this, i.e., children do not sprout out of the ground spontaneously and grow on their own. they need instruction, direction, and care, to be raised and nurtured. and even before that, two people, somewhere, joined to bring this life to fruition. when did we begin to believe that "i feed you, give you clothes, spending money and a house to live in" was all we needed to do for our babies? what's the missing link? how do we build that bridge again?

5.22.2008

bipolar kids

came across this today.

this is an interesting topic for me, on many levels. in my psych classes, i always got a kick out of the pathology lectures. as interesting as it was to learn about the brain and how people process information, it was even more interesting to think about solving problems when things went wrong.

i can say that i'm glad the story comes from "normal" parents in a "normal" family. it probably would have been all too easy to hear about another "crack baby" or see an inner city family struggling with something like this--although that's a reality, too, and those folks probably have far less access to the resources these parents did. however, i think that seeing it come from a white, middle class setting normalizes the problem in a way a black/brown/red family wouldn't.

what also strikes me is how smart, sensitive, creative, and deeply feeling these children are. when compared with autism--which can also cause outbursts, etc., but can also include mental deficiencies or developmental delays--bipolar kids (and adults) are often extremely intelligent and articulate. eerily so at times.

there's also that statement about them being "born screaming".

i also perked up at the statement that this kind of diagnosis was rare just a few years ago. just like autism.

so, i'm wondering:

is this another segment of the indigo phenomenon (which i haven't completely bought into, but still interesting to consider)?

is this another, not-so-subtle consequence of the medicalization of birth? how do we get the word out that there are alternatives?

what about the role of immunizations? diet?

is this just exploding here, or in most western(ized) societies?

i don't expect newsweek to answer these questions, but i am interested in what the more holistically-minded community has to say...

5.18.2008

maroon 5

ok. why am i JUST finding out about these cats?

i wanna buy, like, all their shit, posthaste.

sexy lead w/ an awesome falsetto.
good guitar grooves...
and their videos??!?!?? off.the.chain. i didn't know anyone was doing the mini-movie concept joints anymore.

and i'm not a rihanna fan, but i can't stop listening to this song...



*rushes to itunes store*

5.14.2008

what happened to the black church?

i've often considered that question, but couldn't really speak to it in detail.

i didn't grow up in the church, and the one i did attend was not what anyone would consider part of traditionally black worship/culture, so i was never exposed to ch'uch except through friends.

maryland, though technically southern, is essentially a catholic state (and, by extension, also very episcopalian, episcopal and lutheran), and many descendants of slaves fell into the family religion of their owners. even so, there are also plenty of baptist, pentecostal, and storefront congregations.

the megachurches have mainly hit the suburbs, although there are a few large, overreaching congregations in baltimore city as well.

while the politics didn't stick around, some of the black spiritual movements of the early-mid 20th century did take a firm hold, including the nation of islam, daddy grace's church, noble drew ali's moorish science temple, and the hebrew israelites.

i think dr. hill is, on some level, making the argument my mother always did: once we were appeased by the slight gains of the modern civil rights era, black folks began to fully buy into mainstream american culture--good and bad. we sucked up the materialism, individuality and hedonism, ignorant of how to truly play the game and phenotypically unable to fit into it.

the result: we didn't wind up working on wall street in droves after desegregation, we wound up filling up the prisons. we also weren't able to shake our traditionally collective and family-oriented culture, even as our families were lost to us.

folks like creflo ain't helpin.

thanks for not throwing us youngins under the bus, brotha.

5.12.2008

i'm tired and it's late & i need to go to bed

but
um
i'm feelin'

delicious
and beautiful
and wanted
sweet
desireable
adored
interesting (and interested)
new
old
and all that good stuff.

...and i ain't got to choose.

*jezebel grin*

nighty night, love muffins!

5.08.2008

guys & gals...

just stumbled across this interesting little article...figured i'd offer my own commentary.

8 Things She Hates About You
By Lisa Jones, Men's Health


ANNOYANCE #1

You don't pick up after yourself at our place.

yeah, that's pretty standard. ha.


ANNOYANCE #2

You ask how much our new haircut or handbag costs...

…yet conveniently don't mention your sportsbook.com account or the $200 you lost on the NCAA parlay. Until we're sharing a bank account with you, we're not all that interested in your opinions on how we should or should not spend our money.

hmm...i never really experienced this one, but i definitely agree that unless your name's on the lease or there's a marriage license somewhere with my name on it, the finances are pretty much individual business--and if, within marriage, we decide on two individual accounts with one joint account, then that individual account is my business, too.

moving on...



ANNOYANCE #3

You talk to us as if we're one of the guys.

...this isn't too much of a problem for me. i like it when a man feels comfortable enough around me to not use some special "lady language"--even if i occasionally have to remind him that i do like to be sweet talked. to me, that's not an unfair trade.


ANNOYANCE #4

You speak of the future vaguely.

YES. this is a biggie. if you want me in your future, act like it. and NOT just when you're trying to save a sinking ship...

sometimes i think this is the male equivalent of "s/he should know what i'm thinking." we don't. and we will move on. tell us.




ANNOYANCE #5

You stop trying.

You have us as your wife or girlfriend. We're committed to the situation, and all is good. But pretty soon you stop trying to impress us--and we don't like that.

again, agreed. but with a caveat: bring "the woo" (as she puts it) back yourself every now & then. show him how it's done, and if he has any sense and loves you, he'll reciprocate. and always, always remember that you gotta put out the same honey--or some variation thereof--you used to wow him to keep him.

generally, men aim to please. literally & figuratively. so if you gently remind/tell them what you want/need, they'll oblige. all about give & take.



ANNOYANCE #6

You blatantly look at porn.

this doesn't bother me. feminist politics aside (...we can always analyze from that angle later, if necessary), i don't necessarily mind your usual--hetero or homo--run of the mill porn. you can even look on my computer--my parents rarely come to my house, and i don't have any kids. hell, i might watch with you if i'm in the mood. or see something i like. or learn something.

...however, if i come across your secret stash of enema fantasy videos, kids, scat, extreme sbdm, or other major fetish, we'll have some issues. or, at minimum, a looooong talk.




ANNOYANCE #7

You turn down sex.

this depends. if you do, i'll assume it's because you're stressed/tired/etc. (same reasons i wouldn't be in the mood) and that you are mature & articulate enough to say these things to me, not just grunt and roll over.

be warned, though: i am the type who will offer to rub your shoulders to get you outta that mood, which could still wind up leading to, well, you know. that's just the kinda of girl i am. *wink*

besides, if you're REALLY ignorant about it, i know how to use my fingers AND my silicone, thank you. and will do it while you're lying there. which could also result in me getting what i want. see how this works?

...oh, and all that coming in drunk and winding up a weepy mess is not applicable. i can hold my liquor, and furthermore, i don't use that as an excuse or a vessel to freely vent my emotions.




ANNOYANCE #8

You ask us out via text.

another varied issue which also might be a generational thing. never had this happen...at least not exclusively. i think that for busy folks who have jobs where they can't be on the phone for 5 hrs out of an 8 hr day or whatever, texting can be ok.

i've also never experienced the "mass text" from someone i was dating or thinking of dating...but this could also be related to the fact that, until the breakup, i'd been attached for the last 5 years.

5.05.2008

hm...

she's saying i'm screwed.

(in a good way)

lol.

there are some interesting indications.
we'll have to see how it plays out.

in other news, i've smudged the house and incantated (i don't think that's a word...LOL) all over the house. i am more than ready to conjure up all kinds of bliss, joy, and magnificence for myself over the coming months.

summer has always been my best season. even when i have nothing else, i've got the sun, long days, brilliant sunsets, and open windows full of sweet air. my skin turns a brilliant, honeyed gold, and my hair's streaked with red.

in short, i blossom into full fledged flyness. lol.

i'm ready.

bring it.

bombs in somalia? huh?

i mean, i know we've been doing all kinds of whatever in the horn of africa for some time now, but what i don't understand is why...

why are we so worried about militants over there when the middle east is supposed to be the seat of all evil?

i really don't get it (will probably have more to say once i've read it in full).


from democracy now!

Thousands of Somalis Protest Deadly US Air Strike
Thursday’s air strike comes in the midst of a deepening humanitarian crisis in Somalia that the International Committee of the Red Cross described as “catastrophic.” Over one million people have been made internal refugees, and 3.5 million, or nearly half the country’s population, may need food aid by the end of the year.

Guest:
Abdi Samatar, professor of geography and global studies at the University of Minnesota. He is the author of several books and publications on Somali history, politics and culture.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AMY GOODMAN: Thousands of people in central Somalia came out Sunday to protest a US air raid that killed more than a dozen people Thursday. Among the dead is Aden Hashi Ayro, a man the United States says was al-Qaeda’s leader in Somalia.


Ayro was a military commander of the armed opposition group, Shabaab. The group had functioned as the military wing of the short-lived government led by the Union of Islamic Courts before it was forced from power in December 2006 by US-backed Ethiopian troops. Since then, Shabaab has been one of the main groups carrying out attacks against Ethiopian and government forces in Somalia.


It was added to the US government’s terror list in March of this year. Washington said Shabaab members were trained by al-Qaeda in Afghanistan and hosted suspects wanted for the 1998 bombings of US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. Shabaab denied the allegations and said they were not terrorists but told Reuters “now we’ve been designated terrorists and forced to seek out and unite with any Muslims on the list against the United States.”


Sheikh Ibrahim Sulley is the spokesperson for the Union of Islamic Courts. He condemned Thursday’s attack in an interview with Al Jazeera and warned the United States against further action.


SHEIKH IBRAHIM SULLEY: [translated] This attack was cowardly and aggressive. We condemn the international Arab and Islamic community’s silence. These bombs are making Somalis more united. These people do not need bombs. They need international humanitarian help. It is good for America to stop. If America continues what it is doing, they will reap the harvest of the crop they have sown.


AMY GOODMAN: Thursday’s air strike comes in the midst of a deepening humanitarian crisis in Somalia that the International Committee of the Red Cross described as “catastrophic.” Over one million people have been made internal refugees, and 3.5 million, or nearly half the country’s population, may need food aid by the end of the year, the UN Food and Agriculture organization has warned.


Nearly a hundred people have been killed in the past three weeks alone. Late last month, Ethiopian soldiers raided a mosque in the Somali capital, killing twenty-one people, kidnapping forty-one children, this according to Amnesty International.


To discuss the latest in Somalia, I’m joined in Minneapolis by Abdi Samatar. He is professor of geography and global studies at the University of Minnesota. Welcome to Democracy Now!, Professor Samatar.


ABDI SAMATAR: Thank you, Amy.


AMY GOODMAN: Can you talk about the reaction to the US air strike?


ABDI SAMATAR: I think it’s quite befuddling to Somalis and many other peace-loving people around the world as to why the United States has chosen to bomb people who are desperate for assistance and food and who have been dislocated and traumatized by an Ethiopian invasion, a country that has its own people under tyranny in itself. So it’s surprising to Somalis that the United States, who is supposed to be the beacon of democracy, is using all the terror tactics that it condemns in this instance, and people across the country have been demonstrating against this.


AMY GOODMAN: Explain exactly what happened with the air strike. Who got hit? Who got killed?


ABDI SAMATAR: Well, according to the reports and telephone calls from Dusa Marreb in central Somalia, it’s not quite certain whether it was planes or missiles sent from a ship on the Indian Ocean or a plane from—based in Gode, Ethiopia.


But that—the gentleman by the name Aden Hashi Ayro, who was a target of the United States Department of Defense and the CIA for quite a long time, him being accused that he was trained in Afghanistan, and therefore because he’s trained in Afghanistan, he is by nature guilty of being a terrorist. There has been no evidence produced so far that he has been linked to any terror attacks in Somalia against anybody else other than the Ethiopians themselves. So it seems to be that presumptions repeated sufficient times become a replacement or a substitute for reality.


The other people who have been killed, an area about the size of a sort of two blocks in places like Minnesota, for instance, has been leveled, and the majority of the people who were killed were innocent civilians, much like what the Ethiopians have been doing in Mogadishu itself.


AMY GOODMAN: And explain the Shabaab.


ABDI SAMATAR: The Shabaab used to be part of the wing, youth wing, of the Islamic Courts. Many of them are very religious. Aden Ayro has never been known to be quite religious. He has never sort of said many things that will suggest that he’s an Islamist. It seems to me that he was a nationalist who was trained in Afghanistan who was opposed both to the warlords who used to control Mogadishu before the Union of Islamic Courts took off and before the Ethiopians came in, but that the many members of the Shabaab, and to the order of about 250 of them, have broken ranks with the Union of Islamic Courts and the people who are based in Asmara, Eritrea, who are fighting against Ethiopians.


The Shabaab claim that the Union of Islamic Courts and their allies have sort of reneged on the promises which they have made, and therefore a few of them decided to do on their own. The Union of Islamic Courts spokesman, Sheikh Sharif Sheikh Ahmed in Asmara, said that these young men are fighters who are fighting the Ethiopians; they are not terrorists, in any sense of the word, and then, therefore, despite the fact that they have reneged on the promises and the agreements they had with the Islamic Courts, they remain to be nationalists.


AMY GOODMAN: We’re talking to Professor Samatar, geology professor and global studies—


ABDI SAMATAR: Geography professor.


AMY GOODMAN: Geography professor and professor of global studies at the University of Minnesota. Just after this happened, word has come out today of tens of thousands of people protesting in the streets of Mogadishu over soaring food prices. Can you talk about what’s happening today?


ABDI SAMATAR: Well, what you see in Mogadishu over the last year and a half or so, since the Ethiopian invasion, which was sanctioned by the US government, has destroyed virtually all the life-sustaining economic systems which the population have built without the government for the last fifteen, sixteen years, and that the militia that’s supposed to be the very people who protect the population have been looting shops. For instance, the Bakara market, which is the largest market in Mogadishu and in the country, have been looted repeatedly by the militias of the so-called Transitional Federal Government of Somalia, supported by Ethiopian troops. And the new prime minister of Somalia, Mr. Hassan Nur Hussein, has himself announced in the BBC that it was his militias that—who have looted this place. So what you have is a population that’s hit from both ends—on one end, by the militias of the so-called Transitional Federal Government, which is recognized by the United States, and on the other hand, by the Ethiopian invaders who seem to be bent on ensuring that they break the will of the people to resist as free people in their own country.


So the prices of—for instance, if I tell you a kilo of rice, which used to be somewhere in the order of about seventy cents, US cents, is now anywhere up to 250 cents—that’s $2.50. The average day’s income per person for anybody who’s able to hold a job in that incredible environment is less than a dollar a day. So the mismatch between incomes and the prices of commodities that are primarily imported from overseas is horrific, that nobody can afford this. And what you have is really terror in the worst sense of the word, that a million people have been displaced, that the Ethiopians and the Transitional Government have been denying them access to humanitarian input, and that the United States seems to just watch and let that happen itself. It’s as if there has been a calculated decision made somewhere in the world, maybe in Washington, maybe in Addis Ababa, maybe in Mogadishu itself, to starve these people until they submit themselves to the whims of the American military, in this instance, and the Ethiopians, who are acting on their behalf.


AMY GOODMAN: The latest reports we have, an Associated Press reporter seeing several people injured in the protest in Mogadishu; after that, tens of thousands took to the streets, hurling stones, smashing windshields of cars and buses.


ABDI SAMATAR: Well, what you have here is, you know, the Somalis have supported the war against terrorists, but they ask our country—that’s the United States—the simple question that the President, Bush, has asked the international community: are you with us, or are you against us? Here are people whose livelihoods have been destroyed, who’s dealing with an illegal occupation of Ethiopian forces, a government in Ethiopia that’s not a democrat, that’s harassing its own people and brutalizing its own people, and the Somali people are asking the United States: why are you supporting our terrorists, when we don’t support the terrorists that who are acting against you?


We don’t have an answer for the Somali people as Americans. And for me, this is quite critical for the so-called public diplomacy that the United States State Department has been an impact on. And that is, if we are interested in winning the hearts and minds of people around the world, and particularly the Muslim world, then what we need to do is be true to our ideals of democracy and respect for human rights, tell the Ethiopians get out of there, let the Somalis sort themselves out and promise the Somalis to support them as long as they play with internationally sanctioned rules of human rights and whatnot. That’s what the Somali people are asking, in my opinion


AMY GOODMAN: Professor Abdi Samatar, I want to thank you very much for being with us, a professor of geography and global studies at the University of Minnesota, author of several books and publications on Somali history, politics and culture. Thanks for joining us from Minneapolis.

5.03.2008

mirror, mirror




last night i decided to appreciate myself a bit. i took a warm bath, did a full shea butter moisturizing routine, and took a look at myself.

it's one thing to have lovers tell you what makes you lovely...it's another to take in those aspects of you for yourself and see if you agree...

honey used mention that i was heart-shaped. i realized i am. my hips and pelvic mound form a sort of double heart.

the bottom i've lamented losing doesn't look bad when i'm on my hands and knees, even if it's not as bootylicious as it once was.

my breasts aren't as full as they were, but still pretty in their teardrop way. i've always thought they were shaped a little strangely, but i'm appreciative of them just the same.

i enjoy the color of my skin
my body art
the shape of my thighs
the elegance of my hands...

i suppose i can understand why i've caused one or two folk to fall for me over the years.

giggle