thinking about the marriage equality issue again...
frankly, it's time to reframe the argument.
every article i see on the topic seems to be progressively devolving into nitpicky, almost juvenile squabbling. when that happens, you have to wonder: what are people really angry about?
if you can agree that marriage is, essentially, a familial contract, it's obvious that these contracts provide very specific bureaucratic privileges which can also tie into a certain amount of class privilege*.
contracts aren't about gender or religion, they're simply contracts, right? so any two consenting adults should have the right to enter into said contract.
to be fair, everyone--heterosexual or otherwise--involved in these contracts should be calling them civil unions. 'cause that's what they are.
let's not forget that the church doesn't marry you. the preacherman's (or woman) power is invested by the state, even if you don't have the marriage ceremony at the courthouse.
i have not heard one person argue that churches/spiritual orgs should change their practices, and if i did, i would call him/her an idiot. from a religious standpoint, marriage can most certainly be defined as a covenant between a man and a woman. i may not agree with you, but we can coexist. that's cool.
can you see how, when you start sifting through the messy details, marriage begins to emerge as something else entirely?
in my humble opinion, it is beginning to seem that the institution of marriage defined as a heterosexual relationship between one man and one woman may be one of the last tangible vestiges of the "america is and always has been a christian nation" myth.
when many of these state constitutions and statutes were being written, the myth was accepted as fact by the rich, white, (presumably) heterosexual males who wrote them.
furthermore, there are many people in the mainstream culture (which is already feeling threatened) who cannot abide the debunking of this myth.
maybe, on a very visceral level, folks are mad because the collective consciousness that does not subscribe to the western european, patriarchal context will not go away. understandably, those who are fully invested in that context--by birth or acculturation--are fighting to hold it up in all its oppressive, abusive, insanity-creating glory.
listen. many sane people have been trying to break this to you for years, but apparently it still has not sunken in. let me reiterate:
while the first europeans to step on what is now called american soil may have been fundamentalist protestants and catholics, many of the colored people who were subdued, captured and otherwise oppressed by those "founders" lied to you. they feigned adoption of your god in order to ensure their survival.
the indigenous people of this land were not christian.
the west africans who came over on the slave ships were not christian. it took generations--in the colonies as well as in the caribbean--to even nominally stamp out the memory of those traditions, and they were still never fully eradicated.
and so on.
to you, the great melting pot is a proud accomplishment. to many of us "others", it is a euphemism for cultural erasure.
as wade davis said, "other cultures are not failed attempts at being you. they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." i would venture that that statement applies to human sexuality as well.
again i ask: what are we really arguing about?
*marriage, for many upper and middle class folks (or those aspiring to the middle/upper class) equals legitimacy. our society further acknowledges the legitimacy of this contract with all the benefits mentioned above. simply put, married people are special. if you make them less special in any way--since us little folks in a big, capitalist world so rarely come to understand our true worth beyond these kinds of benefits--it's a threat. see how that works? part of how they distract us & turn us against one another...
5.28.2009
encounter
hello again...
i saw you today,
but you didn't see me.
it's just as well...
knowing this is an affair of the aura
doesn't ease the ache in my chest
or kill the inclination to bury my face in your neck
and go wherever you're going.
to some part of me,
you are walking honey,
a living offering;
i want you
for my altar
to keep the spirits close.
...your smile can do that, you know.
but that wouldn't be fair,
would it?
i saw you today,
but you didn't see me.
it's just as well...
knowing this is an affair of the aura
doesn't ease the ache in my chest
or kill the inclination to bury my face in your neck
and go wherever you're going.
to some part of me,
you are walking honey,
a living offering;
i want you
for my altar
to keep the spirits close.
...your smile can do that, you know.
but that wouldn't be fair,
would it?
5.26.2009
required reading
read this.
it's less than 30 pages.
DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT $200
just go and read this, right now.
then allow yourself to at least think about what it says.
you can thank me later.
it's less than 30 pages.
DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT $200
just go and read this, right now.
then allow yourself to at least think about what it says.
you can thank me later.
5.21.2009
next.
i'm thinking of something.
it's going to require me to dig. really, really dig.
i know i'm being vague, but it's not quite time for details yet.
i log these things here because it gives me a benchmark & allows me to recall when a notion crystallized.
so...it's coming.
it's going to require me to dig. really, really dig.
i know i'm being vague, but it's not quite time for details yet.
i log these things here because it gives me a benchmark & allows me to recall when a notion crystallized.
so...it's coming.
an open letter to president obama
president obama,
first, please allow me to congratulate you. your victory has ennobled and inspired more people--both here and around the world--than you can know.
that said, i am writing to express my respectful disagreement with your decision to not release photographs of potential victims of abuse in iraq.
unlike mr. wise, i hesitate to call the release "needless" and, far from agreeing with your decision, feel the need to challenge it.
war, by definition, is an unsafe practice. the only thing that would make our troops and iraqi civilians safe(r) is if they were not fighting a war. the attitudes of mr. wise and others who would agree with him put american lives above iraqi lives, giving both sides the potential to mistake highly visible minorities (our worst soldiers, their fundamentalist militants) for representatives of entire nations full of diverse people, opinions, and beliefs.
mr. president, if we are not fighting dirty, we have nothing to hide. if we are, then the people have a right to know what these soldiers feel they need to do--or are being ordered or pressured to do--in order to "win". as a student of history, i'm sure you know that abu ghraibs are rarely isolated incidents in wartime, they are simply the ones that give the others a name.
we cannot uphold life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness within our own borders, then go abroad and behave in a manner diametrically opposed to that principle.
i'm also not sure who told mr. wise that we had a "bond of trust" with the iraqi people. in more isolated areas where fighting has been rare, that may have been and still might be true. but i've listened to enough independent news sources to know that many iraqis have been wary of us from the beginning, and whatever trust we engendered was eroded when we began to act as any other occupying nation would.
the war itself has given propagandists all they need to demonize america. if a set of pictures that will likely come out anyway could be a tipping point--both here and abroad--then we need to examine why we're doing what we're doing, and what our actions say about the discrepancy between this nation's ideals and its reality. whenever we engage in war, the people should be fully informed of the cost of that war, especially when the peculiar grace of geography and technology do not allow us to observe it up close.
you have already shown far more tact and intelligence than your predecessor; for that, i and many others are grateful. indeed, your outspokenness about the prison at guantanamo bay is laudable. but this war was a mistake from the beginning, and many people knew it. it is time to stop the lies and the obfuscation of the truth, admit our mistakes, and do whatever we can to bring our troops home.
once again, thank you, mr. president, for all you are doing. in the future i hope that i will be able to silently praise and commend your efforts far more often than i am urged to be demonstratively disappointed by them.
sincerely,
omi
p.s. - i am the daughter of a vietnam vet who is still dealing with many of the physical and emotional consequences of that war. my grandfather passed on still bearing scars from his time in the second world war. i sincerely hope that mr. wise and anyone else who claims to be on the side of military families does not simply follow orders as they're given, but also seeks to repair the very broken VA system, reduce the number of military suicides, and work for peace to keep our troops from unnecessary harm.
first, please allow me to congratulate you. your victory has ennobled and inspired more people--both here and around the world--than you can know.
that said, i am writing to express my respectful disagreement with your decision to not release photographs of potential victims of abuse in iraq.
unlike mr. wise, i hesitate to call the release "needless" and, far from agreeing with your decision, feel the need to challenge it.
war, by definition, is an unsafe practice. the only thing that would make our troops and iraqi civilians safe(r) is if they were not fighting a war. the attitudes of mr. wise and others who would agree with him put american lives above iraqi lives, giving both sides the potential to mistake highly visible minorities (our worst soldiers, their fundamentalist militants) for representatives of entire nations full of diverse people, opinions, and beliefs.
mr. president, if we are not fighting dirty, we have nothing to hide. if we are, then the people have a right to know what these soldiers feel they need to do--or are being ordered or pressured to do--in order to "win". as a student of history, i'm sure you know that abu ghraibs are rarely isolated incidents in wartime, they are simply the ones that give the others a name.
we cannot uphold life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness within our own borders, then go abroad and behave in a manner diametrically opposed to that principle.
i'm also not sure who told mr. wise that we had a "bond of trust" with the iraqi people. in more isolated areas where fighting has been rare, that may have been and still might be true. but i've listened to enough independent news sources to know that many iraqis have been wary of us from the beginning, and whatever trust we engendered was eroded when we began to act as any other occupying nation would.
the war itself has given propagandists all they need to demonize america. if a set of pictures that will likely come out anyway could be a tipping point--both here and abroad--then we need to examine why we're doing what we're doing, and what our actions say about the discrepancy between this nation's ideals and its reality. whenever we engage in war, the people should be fully informed of the cost of that war, especially when the peculiar grace of geography and technology do not allow us to observe it up close.
you have already shown far more tact and intelligence than your predecessor; for that, i and many others are grateful. indeed, your outspokenness about the prison at guantanamo bay is laudable. but this war was a mistake from the beginning, and many people knew it. it is time to stop the lies and the obfuscation of the truth, admit our mistakes, and do whatever we can to bring our troops home.
once again, thank you, mr. president, for all you are doing. in the future i hope that i will be able to silently praise and commend your efforts far more often than i am urged to be demonstratively disappointed by them.
sincerely,
omi
p.s. - i am the daughter of a vietnam vet who is still dealing with many of the physical and emotional consequences of that war. my grandfather passed on still bearing scars from his time in the second world war. i sincerely hope that mr. wise and anyone else who claims to be on the side of military families does not simply follow orders as they're given, but also seeks to repair the very broken VA system, reduce the number of military suicides, and work for peace to keep our troops from unnecessary harm.
5.18.2009
thought of the morning...
lately my dreams center around being very vocal and standing up for myself, particularly in situations where i would normally remove myself instead of making waves.
i seem to be forming stronger opinions as well. i wouldn't say rigidity is setting in, but there is a sense that i have developed a good footing around the reasons i think and feel the ways i do, and i am less willing to bend and compromise to fit into a world that seems increasingly dysfunctional--or, at best, resistant to evolution.
i seem to be forming stronger opinions as well. i wouldn't say rigidity is setting in, but there is a sense that i have developed a good footing around the reasons i think and feel the ways i do, and i am less willing to bend and compromise to fit into a world that seems increasingly dysfunctional--or, at best, resistant to evolution.
5.15.2009
you can take the people outta africa... (part 4: the reasoning)
(in case you missed it: part 1, part 2, part 3)
this project is not meant to be insulting or flippant about the charismatic black church, but to encourage understanding and highlight a deeply rooted connection.
as erykah said, when we were brought here, we had to change some things. part of that was behaving as if we worshiped the white gods when we didn't. however, as with most forced acculturation, some folks wound up completely rejecting the old ways.
that doesn't change the fact that "catching the spirit" or being "filled with the ghost" is intimately related to traditional african expressions of spirituality and spirit contact.
over 10,000 years of wisdom and culture could not be erased in a few centuries, and it is still resisting erasure. this is in our blood, and it doesn't go away simply because we get baptized in the name of yeshua instead of having a lave tet.
finally, i hope that my christian brothers and sisters begin to do some serious, in-depth research and come to understand the truth of what is being honored and called upon before dismissively referring to traditional spirituality as "devilish" or demonic.
as far as i'm concerned, the most demonic thing someone can do is convince you to deny the gifts of your ancestry when you see the proof every time you look in the mirror.
this project is not meant to be insulting or flippant about the charismatic black church, but to encourage understanding and highlight a deeply rooted connection.
as erykah said, when we were brought here, we had to change some things. part of that was behaving as if we worshiped the white gods when we didn't. however, as with most forced acculturation, some folks wound up completely rejecting the old ways.
that doesn't change the fact that "catching the spirit" or being "filled with the ghost" is intimately related to traditional african expressions of spirituality and spirit contact.
over 10,000 years of wisdom and culture could not be erased in a few centuries, and it is still resisting erasure. this is in our blood, and it doesn't go away simply because we get baptized in the name of yeshua instead of having a lave tet.
finally, i hope that my christian brothers and sisters begin to do some serious, in-depth research and come to understand the truth of what is being honored and called upon before dismissively referring to traditional spirituality as "devilish" or demonic.
as far as i'm concerned, the most demonic thing someone can do is convince you to deny the gifts of your ancestry when you see the proof every time you look in the mirror.
5.14.2009
to paraphrase some of my older family members:
this is some white folks' shit.
how do we know? well...the ifa oracle is a binary system. african fractals were purposefully used before any white man knew what to call them. tales about the serpent and the rainbow weren't just pretty stories, they helped explain dna.
physicists ain't tellin us shit we didn't already know.
too much reason can blind you...
how do we know? well...the ifa oracle is a binary system. african fractals were purposefully used before any white man knew what to call them. tales about the serpent and the rainbow weren't just pretty stories, they helped explain dna.
physicists ain't tellin us shit we didn't already know.
too much reason can blind you...
5.13.2009
you can take the people outta africa... (part 3)
laying hands
more twirling/shouting
folks laid out on the floor...
and in case you need a comparison:
'nuff said.
more twirling/shouting
folks laid out on the floor...
and in case you need a comparison:
'nuff said.
the dropout
i'm not a michael baisden fan, but i happened to tune in yesterday evening and he was talking about the astronomical drop out rate of black students.
in baltimore, there's a general feeling that one of the best things about reaching the age of 16 is that the truant officers can't make you go to school anymore.
so what's happening here?
many folks who can remember segregation and the civil rights era are quick to frame this as "laziness" or "ingratitude", but i reject that analysis.
for generations, high school was enough. you could graduate, get a good factory or government job, and go from there. the bottom fell out with the exodus of industry, but many folks' mentalities stayed the same.*
and there are other factors. the first crack babies are reaching their 20s**. for some, teen pregnancy is in its 2nd or 3rd generation--meaning mothers in their teens, grandmothers in their 30s and great grandmothers in their 40s-50s. granny and big mama's wisdom has succumbed to stroke, breast cancer, diabetes and stress. many of us do not have the access to our histories--familial and cultural--that our elders did.
other cultural institutions have eroded, too. the activist preachers of 30 plus years ago have given way to today's megachurch pimpin' preachers. not that we didn't have them in the pulpit long before now, but pushing for the revolution--in spirit and/or deed--is the exception, not the rule.
black children today are immersed in a culture of apathy, disconnected from themselves, their families (due to stressful work schedules, financial hardship...) and their spirits.
they see the real world early and up close. abstract notions of what will be "good for them later" do not make sense; they know tomorrow isn't promised.
they know education is not a guaranteed way out because they see their mothers and fathers struggling to hold on to the jobs their college degrees guaranteed them 20 years ago. they may not know the name horatio alger, but they know his stories are lies.
they know college is a far off dream, even for some of the best and brightest of them. for those that do get that far, retention is an issue.
to keep these kids in school, a few things will probably have to happen:
we were not lazy or ungrateful, and neither are these kids. they probably just don't see how school makes sense. in the midst of a crumbling economy, skyrocketing debt, and mind-numbing, cube farm jobs that are killing their parents, i can't say i blame them.
the old school lines don't hold weight. it's time for a new paradigm.
*although you can argue the differences between the values of bourgeois black folks and their unsophisticated country (or urban hoodlum) cousins.
**admittedly, there are some nature/nurture issues here, but talk to any black teacher in an urban school and they'll tell you the signs. in addition, lead poisoning and other environmental racism issues that disproportionately affect blk folks and other poor people of color can also lead to educational difficulties.
***while ignoring this and this plus all the labor it takes to run both. that's not coming outta harvard. it's coming out of the streets.
in baltimore, there's a general feeling that one of the best things about reaching the age of 16 is that the truant officers can't make you go to school anymore.
so what's happening here?
many folks who can remember segregation and the civil rights era are quick to frame this as "laziness" or "ingratitude", but i reject that analysis.
for generations, high school was enough. you could graduate, get a good factory or government job, and go from there. the bottom fell out with the exodus of industry, but many folks' mentalities stayed the same.*
and there are other factors. the first crack babies are reaching their 20s**. for some, teen pregnancy is in its 2nd or 3rd generation--meaning mothers in their teens, grandmothers in their 30s and great grandmothers in their 40s-50s. granny and big mama's wisdom has succumbed to stroke, breast cancer, diabetes and stress. many of us do not have the access to our histories--familial and cultural--that our elders did.
other cultural institutions have eroded, too. the activist preachers of 30 plus years ago have given way to today's megachurch pimpin' preachers. not that we didn't have them in the pulpit long before now, but pushing for the revolution--in spirit and/or deed--is the exception, not the rule.
black children today are immersed in a culture of apathy, disconnected from themselves, their families (due to stressful work schedules, financial hardship...) and their spirits.
they see the real world early and up close. abstract notions of what will be "good for them later" do not make sense; they know tomorrow isn't promised.
they know education is not a guaranteed way out because they see their mothers and fathers struggling to hold on to the jobs their college degrees guaranteed them 20 years ago. they may not know the name horatio alger, but they know his stories are lies.
they know college is a far off dream, even for some of the best and brightest of them. for those that do get that far, retention is an issue.
to keep these kids in school, a few things will probably have to happen:
- real world relevance. it might be time to do away with textbooks as much as humanly possible. use real world situations. discover teachable moments in their neighborhoods, with people who look like them--and get them out of those neighborhoods, too. highlight various careers and map clear, concrete strategies on how to achieve those goals--from artistic endeavors to engineering and computer science.
- emphasize financial literacy/economics. urban kids are well aware of how money works and how the lack of it affects them. there is plenty of business acumen in the 'hood. tap into it. every elementary school should have that project where they get interest-bearing checking accounts and balance their checkbooks. teach them about credit cards so they're not bamboozled when they get to college and see all those fancy giveaway tables. use articles like this and this to explode myths about money in the entertainment/sporting industries.
- community schools. if you're saying, "this is the parents' job...", consider this: the u.s. runs on a system whereby only the most privileged of parents can take time out from their job(s) to fully raise their children in the ways that would mold them into the productive citizens everyone claims to want***, and they hire nannies and boarding schools to do it for them. so, we can either (a) have all childbearing stop immediately except in, say, the top earning 10-15% of households, (b) give parents liberal family leave and adequate vacation/sick time, or (c) put it in the schools. readily available social workers, psychologists/psychiatrists, community leaders, and (multi)culturally competent teachers are essential. thankfully, these schools are popping up everywhere--and they include help and resources for parents.
we were not lazy or ungrateful, and neither are these kids. they probably just don't see how school makes sense. in the midst of a crumbling economy, skyrocketing debt, and mind-numbing, cube farm jobs that are killing their parents, i can't say i blame them.
the old school lines don't hold weight. it's time for a new paradigm.
*although you can argue the differences between the values of bourgeois black folks and their unsophisticated country (or urban hoodlum) cousins.
**admittedly, there are some nature/nurture issues here, but talk to any black teacher in an urban school and they'll tell you the signs. in addition, lead poisoning and other environmental racism issues that disproportionately affect blk folks and other poor people of color can also lead to educational difficulties.
***while ignoring this and this plus all the labor it takes to run both. that's not coming outta harvard. it's coming out of the streets.
5.12.2009
what he said.
gay marriage & the black community
addendum: it got QUITE krunk in the comments section, and i started talking to someone who went so far off base i think s/he left the ballpark. don't you just love when people start responding to you on a message board and act like they know your whole life story/ideology/thought process? ay yi yi.
this is why, often, i just write my own blog about something i see on the interwebs and leave the commenting to the flame warriors.
addendum: it got QUITE krunk in the comments section, and i started talking to someone who went so far off base i think s/he left the ballpark. don't you just love when people start responding to you on a message board and act like they know your whole life story/ideology/thought process? ay yi yi.
this is why, often, i just write my own blog about something i see on the interwebs and leave the commenting to the flame warriors.
5.11.2009
for the kids...
although there are times when i think about motherhood and wonder if i'll have children, i also realize that i do not have a driving desire to be a mother*.
it seems that many women realize that desire relatively early on. i enjoyed my baby dolls like any other girl, but i liked dressing them up and sitting them on a shelf just as much as i liked combing their hair and carrying them around. my true companion was a stuffed dog named ralphie--probably a nod to my early attachment and exposure to animals.
the toys i played with most were boys' action figures, other stuffed animals and legos. i had one good barbie doll and a couple of auxiliary ones. loved my atari, lite brite** and easy bake oven.
when i think about what i wrote in my diaries--which i started keeping in about 2nd or 3rd grade--i wanted a boyfriend, but not necessarily babies. again, like a lot of other girls, i named my daughters (it was always a daughter...i almost never thought of sons...) aloud, but on the pages, i wondered about what i was going to do with my life, tried to make sense of the world.
maybe that's why i took to barbie more so than the babies--i wanted to be grown up like her, be on my own and drive a car.
these days i'm almost grateful that i don't feel driven to motherhood. given some conversations i've (over)heard/had and even some of my own mother's comments, i sometimes wonder if that drive causes some women overlook a lot of bullshit.
if i see the bullshit, i don't wanna procreate.
on the other hand, we all come here to learn lessons and to evolve, and parenting/partnering are perfectly valid ways to do both.
to each her own.
*i do have strong maternal instincts, however, i've always been guided by instinct and intuition, so limiting those feelings to maternity alone is misleading. i also realize that my socialization focused mainly on culture and identity rather than strict gender roles, which probably allowed me to name/claim those feelings in various ways.
**used the wikipedia entry instead of hasbro.com 'cause of the old school photo. my lite brite looked like that. i don't really dig the new ones.
it seems that many women realize that desire relatively early on. i enjoyed my baby dolls like any other girl, but i liked dressing them up and sitting them on a shelf just as much as i liked combing their hair and carrying them around. my true companion was a stuffed dog named ralphie--probably a nod to my early attachment and exposure to animals.
the toys i played with most were boys' action figures, other stuffed animals and legos. i had one good barbie doll and a couple of auxiliary ones. loved my atari, lite brite** and easy bake oven.
when i think about what i wrote in my diaries--which i started keeping in about 2nd or 3rd grade--i wanted a boyfriend, but not necessarily babies. again, like a lot of other girls, i named my daughters (it was always a daughter...i almost never thought of sons...) aloud, but on the pages, i wondered about what i was going to do with my life, tried to make sense of the world.
maybe that's why i took to barbie more so than the babies--i wanted to be grown up like her, be on my own and drive a car.
these days i'm almost grateful that i don't feel driven to motherhood. given some conversations i've (over)heard/had and even some of my own mother's comments, i sometimes wonder if that drive causes some women overlook a lot of bullshit.
if i see the bullshit, i don't wanna procreate.
on the other hand, we all come here to learn lessons and to evolve, and parenting/partnering are perfectly valid ways to do both.
to each her own.
*i do have strong maternal instincts, however, i've always been guided by instinct and intuition, so limiting those feelings to maternity alone is misleading. i also realize that my socialization focused mainly on culture and identity rather than strict gender roles, which probably allowed me to name/claim those feelings in various ways.
**used the wikipedia entry instead of hasbro.com 'cause of the old school photo. my lite brite looked like that. i don't really dig the new ones.
5.07.2009
south bronx / the south south bronx
cocoa bread sweet, quick tongued jamerican boy with pretty brown skin and soft, black locs...
you met us through a mutual friend, and soon you were hanging out in our dorm rooms and buying us liquor before we could get it ourselves. we invaded your off campus apartment, giggling and tipsy from cheap vodka and hours of dancing.
you asked me to twist your hair when you couldn't get home to your sister. when i said i didn't know how, you told me the skill was in my blood. you leaned back between my knees as i dipped my fingers into the sticky beeswax and spread it over your new growth.
you were right after all...
we always flirted, cuddled and played, making everyone wonder. it took some time before we actually tried each other out--you had friends and i had friends...
but, one night when i was alone and feeling a little less than innocent, i got you to skip a friend's housewarming to keep me company. the rest was history.
we made a pact to never let our play get in the way of our friendship. and it didn't.
i remember your mary jane and tea in the mornings and that pretty mouth at night. when he broke my heart, you took me in and held me through my tears.
after we were all done with school, you came for a visit...then i never heard from you again. by then, my locs were just past my shoulders, yours nearly to your waist.
years later my mother found the picture of us you took for your photography class: you with much shorter hair, me with much straighter hair. you sitting straight up on the sofa, me reclined against your chest. our arms intertwined, complexion contrast enhanced by the black and white film.
it sits in my living room still.
(SW: if by any chance you read this, please get in touch...i pray you're well & think of you often. hope you got the hell outta boston. i miss you & our friendship.)
(addendum, 2.2011 - found him. *smile*. happily married with 2 cute kids.)
you met us through a mutual friend, and soon you were hanging out in our dorm rooms and buying us liquor before we could get it ourselves. we invaded your off campus apartment, giggling and tipsy from cheap vodka and hours of dancing.
you asked me to twist your hair when you couldn't get home to your sister. when i said i didn't know how, you told me the skill was in my blood. you leaned back between my knees as i dipped my fingers into the sticky beeswax and spread it over your new growth.
you were right after all...
we always flirted, cuddled and played, making everyone wonder. it took some time before we actually tried each other out--you had friends and i had friends...
but, one night when i was alone and feeling a little less than innocent, i got you to skip a friend's housewarming to keep me company. the rest was history.
we made a pact to never let our play get in the way of our friendship. and it didn't.
i remember your mary jane and tea in the mornings and that pretty mouth at night. when he broke my heart, you took me in and held me through my tears.
after we were all done with school, you came for a visit...then i never heard from you again. by then, my locs were just past my shoulders, yours nearly to your waist.
years later my mother found the picture of us you took for your photography class: you with much shorter hair, me with much straighter hair. you sitting straight up on the sofa, me reclined against your chest. our arms intertwined, complexion contrast enhanced by the black and white film.
it sits in my living room still.
(SW: if by any chance you read this, please get in touch...i pray you're well & think of you often. hope you got the hell outta boston. i miss you & our friendship.)
(addendum, 2.2011 - found him. *smile*. happily married with 2 cute kids.)
5.05.2009
mister music
our first date was like a dream: dessert, a long walk in a hidden park. we literally talked all night, then made love at sunrise.
there were also stolen kisses between sets. the shutters in your apartment that struggled to hold back the sun. pomegranates on christmas eve.
at your place, the night usually started and ended with music. i learned the arts of the perfectly soulful lullaby and wake up call. it was fun browsing your stacked milk crates--laughing at the kitschy samples and marveling at the classics.
there was a warmth between us, but we never fell in love. never got around to commitment, arguments, misunderstandings.
but you kept on playing me records. maybe that was your way of remembering...
there were also stolen kisses between sets. the shutters in your apartment that struggled to hold back the sun. pomegranates on christmas eve.
at your place, the night usually started and ended with music. i learned the arts of the perfectly soulful lullaby and wake up call. it was fun browsing your stacked milk crates--laughing at the kitschy samples and marveling at the classics.
there was a warmth between us, but we never fell in love. never got around to commitment, arguments, misunderstandings.
but you kept on playing me records. maybe that was your way of remembering...
5.04.2009
interesting stuff...
flu satire
there are comets older than the sun.
this is why i always think that stories like lord of the rings have a bit of truth to them. theoretically, all kinds of people, societies and animals could have existed that we can only understand as "fantasy"...
there are comets older than the sun.
this is why i always think that stories like lord of the rings have a bit of truth to them. theoretically, all kinds of people, societies and animals could have existed that we can only understand as "fantasy"...
4.30.2009
on: swine flu
while i appreciate the human toll the swine flu has taken and may take over the coming weeks, it is a good reminder that we have not defeated or subdued nature, and as long as we live on this planet, we will not and should not do so.
germs are here to stay--whether we live in the richest, most technologically advanced society or the darkest slum.
death is part of life. so is illness.
yes, things have gotten better (here), but we also have to understand that there are plenty of folks across the world who are still dying in droves from things we don't even think about anymore (e.g. tb, measles, dysentery...)
but, if it worries you, here's the bottom line:
wash your hands, especially before you eat.
stay home if you're sick.
take proper precautions if your immune system is compromised.
...just like you would if a cold were going around the office. or a stomach flu.
don't allow the doomsday prophets and tamiflu pushers to warp your perspective. live your life.
oh, and you might want to google "factory farming" and "nafta flu", too.
stay well!
germs are here to stay--whether we live in the richest, most technologically advanced society or the darkest slum.
death is part of life. so is illness.
yes, things have gotten better (here), but we also have to understand that there are plenty of folks across the world who are still dying in droves from things we don't even think about anymore (e.g. tb, measles, dysentery...)
but, if it worries you, here's the bottom line:
wash your hands, especially before you eat.
stay home if you're sick.
take proper precautions if your immune system is compromised.
...just like you would if a cold were going around the office. or a stomach flu.
don't allow the doomsday prophets and tamiflu pushers to warp your perspective. live your life.
oh, and you might want to google "factory farming" and "nafta flu", too.
stay well!
4.29.2009
4.28.2009
Irmandade da Boa Morte (Sisterhood of the Good Death)
one of many reasons i need to get to bahia.
here's another site, and there's also a wikipedia article.
here's another site, and there's also a wikipedia article.
4.25.2009
you can take the people outta africa... (part 2)
ok. so i saw this:
('scuse the song's language...)
and this (would have embedded, but b. scott's fabulousness was jackin up the blogroll...), and it made me think that if you slow it down and change the lower body movements, it kinda looks like...
i'm just sayin.
('scuse the song's language...)
and this (would have embedded, but b. scott's fabulousness was jackin up the blogroll...), and it made me think that if you slow it down and change the lower body movements, it kinda looks like...
i'm just sayin.
4.19.2009
you can take the people outta africa...
my atr folks can appreciate this one. watch the woman in white.
they might be hollerin "thank ya jesus", but we know the deal...
they might be hollerin "thank ya jesus", but we know the deal...
4.17.2009
quarterlife angst
i've recently come to the conclusion that it is necessary to make my own standard, carve my own niche.
see, the land of the free is really full of illusions of freedom. true trailblazing--outside of some very narrow norms--is not encouraged or understood.
so many people are washed out imitations of something else. the energy around "compliance" is so strong that breaking away from it is painful, even if, ultimately, you feel supported.
branding is divine. everywhere there is evidence that there can only be one big anything at once, instead of a community of anythings. almost invariably, one is arbitrarily lifted above all others, shutting down the "lesser" community--even if said community is better at it or has done it longer than the chosen one.
it is the principle of "out of many, one" taken way too far.
the awakening of a need to get out from under the hive can be distressing, but it has to be possible. i don't think i was brought here just to suffocate beneath its weight.
see, the land of the free is really full of illusions of freedom. true trailblazing--outside of some very narrow norms--is not encouraged or understood.
so many people are washed out imitations of something else. the energy around "compliance" is so strong that breaking away from it is painful, even if, ultimately, you feel supported.
branding is divine. everywhere there is evidence that there can only be one big anything at once, instead of a community of anythings. almost invariably, one is arbitrarily lifted above all others, shutting down the "lesser" community--even if said community is better at it or has done it longer than the chosen one.
it is the principle of "out of many, one" taken way too far.
the awakening of a need to get out from under the hive can be distressing, but it has to be possible. i don't think i was brought here just to suffocate beneath its weight.
4.15.2009
feeling my fire
i really am not one to entertain a whole lot of bullshit.
part of it is the truth-telling that comes with my pre-moon mood mix, but i am also in the process of burning what doesn't work so that i can clear a path to what will work.
one thing i was reminded of recently: you should never make someone responsible for your fantasy of them.
meaning, if you have this preconceived image or notion of someone, you need to either (a) dispel said notions before you enter into a deeper acquaintance with the person or (b) keep your notions, but be fully prepared for disappointment in case the reality is far different.
no (self actualized) person is going to be responsible for some personality they didn't create.
life is not a romantic comedy. do not make assumptions, and when people tell you who they are, believe them.
part of it is the truth-telling that comes with my pre-moon mood mix, but i am also in the process of burning what doesn't work so that i can clear a path to what will work.
one thing i was reminded of recently: you should never make someone responsible for your fantasy of them.
meaning, if you have this preconceived image or notion of someone, you need to either (a) dispel said notions before you enter into a deeper acquaintance with the person or (b) keep your notions, but be fully prepared for disappointment in case the reality is far different.
no (self actualized) person is going to be responsible for some personality they didn't create.
life is not a romantic comedy. do not make assumptions, and when people tell you who they are, believe them.
4.13.2009
flowers
i'm starting to feel like a flower.
a flower that grew every year in the same spot for decades--maybe longer
--until they paved that spot over for a new mini mall.
but the flower's still growing.
only now, it might not have a large enough crack in the cement to break through.
or, if it does, gets trampled by mindless teenagers and families on their way in.
the wild flower is ignored, even as people remark on the planned out, precisely ordered landscaping arrangement flowers in the area.
the flower would love to re-root itself in a forest somewhere, or even the park.
but it's stuck where it is.
how does a flower like that survive?
a flower that grew every year in the same spot for decades--maybe longer
--until they paved that spot over for a new mini mall.
but the flower's still growing.
only now, it might not have a large enough crack in the cement to break through.
or, if it does, gets trampled by mindless teenagers and families on their way in.
the wild flower is ignored, even as people remark on the planned out, precisely ordered landscaping arrangement flowers in the area.
the flower would love to re-root itself in a forest somewhere, or even the park.
but it's stuck where it is.
how does a flower like that survive?
4.12.2009
random blog #52349
i was gonna do a fast, but pms hit me like a brick. plus i didn't really have the funds to prepare for it anyway. will probably have to wait until late next week.
i'm still laughing at this.
i'm avoiding prayers, although i did perfume my egun table, replace oshun's cloth, and install yemonja in the bathroom. (i'm odd that way. hush. god/dess ain't finished with me yet. *grin*)
i want another tattoo, but i'll settle for fixing the erroneous "tiger" kanji first.
the pope scares me. (benedict, not necessarily popes in general)
i'm bored & a little lonely.
i keep forgetting to schedule that mammogram. ugh.
i avoided twitter today because everybody was on a "happy easter!" kick. i didn't really know what to say to that, so...
finally, art is cool. really.
i'm still laughing at this.
i'm avoiding prayers, although i did perfume my egun table, replace oshun's cloth, and install yemonja in the bathroom. (i'm odd that way. hush. god/dess ain't finished with me yet. *grin*)
i want another tattoo, but i'll settle for fixing the erroneous "tiger" kanji first.
the pope scares me. (benedict, not necessarily popes in general)
i'm bored & a little lonely.
i keep forgetting to schedule that mammogram. ugh.
i avoided twitter today because everybody was on a "happy easter!" kick. i didn't really know what to say to that, so...
finally, art is cool. really.
4.10.2009
#8 - stop compartmentalizing. find ways to be whole and express wholeness.
hello again,
i wanted to write again to let you know that i've come to understand a few more things.
it was hard to be you. i remember that. home was fine most of the time, but outside could be a nightmare.
you were teased and tormented.
sometimes you didn't like the right boy and wouldn't let him feel on you and he called you ugly.
you didn't always know how to protect yourself.
some of the boys you liked were into your cuter, smaller friends instead. and that hurt.
you had secrets.
you were often alone.
i'm sorry about that.
i'm also sorry about hiding you away because you remind me too much of my vulnerable, sensitive true self.
i didn't realize i had so many fears. now that i do, i'm going to work on them, even though it frightens me, because i love you, and i want you to feel free enough to express yourself. i also need you to be strong enough to help me when i need you, because you have knowledge and wisdom, too.
being in a situation where you were constantly invoked had the power to silence me--even as a grownup. at first, i didn't know what was making me so uncomfortable, because the fears were buried way down deep. down there, you still needed to be accepted and loved, and you cowered in the face of anything you thought would deny you that acceptance.
but the world didn't see you. the grownup was powerful and undeniably beautiful. she could defend herself. she wasn't afraid to be smart and outspoken, but you were: raised to be a good girl whose precocious nature did not override her responsibility to be respectful and defer to her elders.
it was a good lesson because it brought me closer to you. but it also meant saying goodbye to some things, too.
so let's keep moving, ok? i'll hold your hand. i promise.
love,
o.
~~~
obviously, this was a lesson that i needed to experience/learn from in order to grow spiritually, and i would not change anything about the way i went about my 2+ years of formal practice.
however, after quite a bit of soul-searching, i've realized that this is what reverting back to a somewhat literal parent/child dynamic brought up for me.
my ideal relationship to my godparent would be that of a mother to a midwife or doula: the universe is doing the actual birthing, with my godparent as the integral, earthly representative/assistant of that process.
while accessing and overcoming the aforementioned fears is necessary, continuing in that dynamic would have been problematic. it also makes me wonder if others have experienced the same when entering the practice of the traditional african religions as new-world/diasporan adults.
here, many of us are being called to the orisa/lwa/abosom with 20, 30 and more years of knowledge, understanding, and life experience intact.
respect is paramount and most certainly due (when earned). i have much to learn, and i am humble, but i have already been raised--not only by my parents, but an involved extended family. i need the power inherent in that acknowledged, respected, and implicit.
conversely, i now realize that my inner child needs to be on stronger footing before i can choose another spiritual home. it is imperative to keep that kind of silence from descending upon me again.
i wanted to write again to let you know that i've come to understand a few more things.
it was hard to be you. i remember that. home was fine most of the time, but outside could be a nightmare.
you were teased and tormented.
sometimes you didn't like the right boy and wouldn't let him feel on you and he called you ugly.
you didn't always know how to protect yourself.
some of the boys you liked were into your cuter, smaller friends instead. and that hurt.
you had secrets.
you were often alone.
i'm sorry about that.
i'm also sorry about hiding you away because you remind me too much of my vulnerable, sensitive true self.
i didn't realize i had so many fears. now that i do, i'm going to work on them, even though it frightens me, because i love you, and i want you to feel free enough to express yourself. i also need you to be strong enough to help me when i need you, because you have knowledge and wisdom, too.
being in a situation where you were constantly invoked had the power to silence me--even as a grownup. at first, i didn't know what was making me so uncomfortable, because the fears were buried way down deep. down there, you still needed to be accepted and loved, and you cowered in the face of anything you thought would deny you that acceptance.
but the world didn't see you. the grownup was powerful and undeniably beautiful. she could defend herself. she wasn't afraid to be smart and outspoken, but you were: raised to be a good girl whose precocious nature did not override her responsibility to be respectful and defer to her elders.
it was a good lesson because it brought me closer to you. but it also meant saying goodbye to some things, too.
so let's keep moving, ok? i'll hold your hand. i promise.
love,
o.
~~~
obviously, this was a lesson that i needed to experience/learn from in order to grow spiritually, and i would not change anything about the way i went about my 2+ years of formal practice.
however, after quite a bit of soul-searching, i've realized that this is what reverting back to a somewhat literal parent/child dynamic brought up for me.
my ideal relationship to my godparent would be that of a mother to a midwife or doula: the universe is doing the actual birthing, with my godparent as the integral, earthly representative/assistant of that process.
while accessing and overcoming the aforementioned fears is necessary, continuing in that dynamic would have been problematic. it also makes me wonder if others have experienced the same when entering the practice of the traditional african religions as new-world/diasporan adults.
here, many of us are being called to the orisa/lwa/abosom with 20, 30 and more years of knowledge, understanding, and life experience intact.
respect is paramount and most certainly due (when earned). i have much to learn, and i am humble, but i have already been raised--not only by my parents, but an involved extended family. i need the power inherent in that acknowledged, respected, and implicit.
conversely, i now realize that my inner child needs to be on stronger footing before i can choose another spiritual home. it is imperative to keep that kind of silence from descending upon me again.
4.08.2009
little girl dreams
from what i can remember, as a little girl i dreamed of:
traveling to the places i read about
winning an oscar
my big house with plenty of room for everything
having a house full of animals
performing on a stage somewhere
eating what i wanted when i wanted (lol)
...but never my wedding day.
traveling to the places i read about
winning an oscar
my big house with plenty of room for everything
having a house full of animals
performing on a stage somewhere
eating what i wanted when i wanted (lol)
...but never my wedding day.
4.06.2009
what part of illegal don't you understand?
i'm digging this.
(unfortunately i can't literally "digg" it 'cause you've gotta sign up or something & i'm tired of arbitrarily signing up for crap, etc.)
i've been saying for years that america's kicking itself in the ass by refusing to properly educate its own kids simply because some of them don't look like kids we think should/need to be educated and/or are worthy of education.
...but we'll come up with all kinds of programs to get folks from elsewhere to do what we refuse to teach our young people to do. people who often take advantage of the opportunity to better themselves, then go back home.
it's really very simple: either you give everybody a true shot at the opportunity you're always going on about, or be honest and say it ain't here--unless you can pay for it.
it costs a lot more to keep someone in prison for 20-30 years than it does to provide them with a college education and/or job training. so what's the problem? who wouldn't want as many productive citizens as possible?
oh, right.
get outta line, and we'll toss you in jail with the quickness, age notwithstanding.
(unfortunately i can't literally "digg" it 'cause you've gotta sign up or something & i'm tired of arbitrarily signing up for crap, etc.)
i've been saying for years that america's kicking itself in the ass by refusing to properly educate its own kids simply because some of them don't look like kids we think should/need to be educated and/or are worthy of education.
...but we'll come up with all kinds of programs to get folks from elsewhere to do what we refuse to teach our young people to do. people who often take advantage of the opportunity to better themselves, then go back home.
it's really very simple: either you give everybody a true shot at the opportunity you're always going on about, or be honest and say it ain't here--unless you can pay for it.
it costs a lot more to keep someone in prison for 20-30 years than it does to provide them with a college education and/or job training. so what's the problem? who wouldn't want as many productive citizens as possible?
oh, right.
get outta line, and we'll toss you in jail with the quickness, age notwithstanding.
4.03.2009
pissivity (2)
i liked you. actually, i still like you.
somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.
i liked you.
then you dropped me.
i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.
i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.
(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)
the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.
this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.
i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.
on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.
i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.
so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:
somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.
i liked you.
then you dropped me.
i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.
i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.
(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)
the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.
this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.
i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.
on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.
i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.
so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:
fuck you.
i wanted to hand you a bit of heaven and you turned your back on it. that's fine; i don't need you. you only hurt yourself.
still, given my charms, it hurts that someone so beautiful and honeyed did not fall under my spell. you bruised my ego, which is only truly considerable in matters of love/loving. i don't expect to get everything i want, but i sure do get a lot of it.no one asked you for undying love or loyalty. i just wanted to share something with you, and you told me no.
there's no need to explain; no explanation would suffice. you, my little challenge, resisted the irresistible, thereby simultaneously earning my wrath and my respect. congratulations, and thanks for the lesson.
gratefully, in this (life)time, there will be no jealous fits, catfights or enraged, drunken phone calls.
still, only true worshippers are allowed in my house. curiosity seekers need not cross my threshold.
you can go the fuck away now.
4.02.2009
depletion
i felt that i should list sorely missed things that i have ceased or nearly ceased to do for myself, whether the cessation was due to money, time, stress or plain forgetfulness.
hopefully this will help to hold me accountable and snap me back into compliance. within reason, anyway.
- yoga
- full self-rubdowns with shea butter
- exfoliating showers (all you need is cornmeal, honey and a little water. make a paste with the cornmeal and honey. add water until it's spreadable. use as a scrub. you're welcome)*
- self-induced g-spot 'gasms
- splurges on jewelry/music/clothing/shoes
- lingerie for no particular reason
- more to come...
*forgot to shout out my girl dopegirlfresh for the ill homemade scrub formula.
3.31.2009
boycott jamaica?
this was pointed out to me this morning via twitter.
it's the sweatshop argument all over again.
i have enough ties to lgbtq people that i completely understand where they're coming from. similarly, i don't want kids losing fingers in machinery or working 15 hour days before they're even old enough to drive a car.
but for many poor but beautiful places like jamaica, tourism is what drives the economy. resort jobs are "good" jobs. tourism also supports craftspeople and various vendors both in and outside the resorts.
so, if you're going to boycott jamaica, are you also going to provide safe spaces for lgbtq people there? a statement from the government is a nice start, but we all know how lightweight they can be. and the police in places like jamaica don't work like they do here.
a paradigm shift is what's needed, and that shift will only arise through education, empowerment, and doing the work. a boycott is only one sliver of the puzzle. until enough people come out and the numbers are known, not much will change.
have these people spoken to (do they even know of?) any jamaican lgbtq folks--ex patriots or not--who have done or are trying to do this kind of work to keep these people safe? couldn't they provide more clear cut, comprehensive ways to help?
i'd be more eager to hear from folks like staceyann chin about culturally knowledgeable ways to handle this. i don't see any faces of color--or faces, period--on that site. and that pisses me off a bit since we're talking about an island full of black folks.
there's a difference between taking your dollars out of an already bad situation, thereby creating a void that could possibly make the situation worse--as one commenter wisely noted--and actually promoting justice for those folks.
have you even thought that far?
or do you just want to feel like you're doing something?
please don't misunderstand me: i know people are dying over there, and it's awful. i hate to see my people falling for the okey doke around sexuality because it was not our original way. i love dancehall, but i don't wanna hear about somebody wanting to set fire to my little brother because of who he loves.
i want a change as much as these folks do.
however, i would hope that we'd know by now that this sort of neo-colonialist, paternalistic (we're gonna take your allowance!) "action" typically winds up amounting to a pile of bullshit.
it's the sweatshop argument all over again.
i have enough ties to lgbtq people that i completely understand where they're coming from. similarly, i don't want kids losing fingers in machinery or working 15 hour days before they're even old enough to drive a car.
but for many poor but beautiful places like jamaica, tourism is what drives the economy. resort jobs are "good" jobs. tourism also supports craftspeople and various vendors both in and outside the resorts.
so, if you're going to boycott jamaica, are you also going to provide safe spaces for lgbtq people there? a statement from the government is a nice start, but we all know how lightweight they can be. and the police in places like jamaica don't work like they do here.
a paradigm shift is what's needed, and that shift will only arise through education, empowerment, and doing the work. a boycott is only one sliver of the puzzle. until enough people come out and the numbers are known, not much will change.
have these people spoken to (do they even know of?) any jamaican lgbtq folks--ex patriots or not--who have done or are trying to do this kind of work to keep these people safe? couldn't they provide more clear cut, comprehensive ways to help?
i'd be more eager to hear from folks like staceyann chin about culturally knowledgeable ways to handle this. i don't see any faces of color--or faces, period--on that site. and that pisses me off a bit since we're talking about an island full of black folks.
there's a difference between taking your dollars out of an already bad situation, thereby creating a void that could possibly make the situation worse--as one commenter wisely noted--and actually promoting justice for those folks.
have you even thought that far?
or do you just want to feel like you're doing something?
please don't misunderstand me: i know people are dying over there, and it's awful. i hate to see my people falling for the okey doke around sexuality because it was not our original way. i love dancehall, but i don't wanna hear about somebody wanting to set fire to my little brother because of who he loves.
i want a change as much as these folks do.
however, i would hope that we'd know by now that this sort of neo-colonialist, paternalistic (we're gonna take your allowance!) "action" typically winds up amounting to a pile of bullshit.
3.27.2009
steppin to the mic, part 2
so i wrote this back in july.
i think it was based on a lie i told myself to avoid facing a larger truth.
the performance/poetry part is true. that world seems perpetually stuck somewhere between high school and college; a nice piece of nostalgia, but i'm way past love jones now.
i still do not, personally, want to to broadcast my story, but indications point to it being imperative that i find a vehicle to say something, whether i "want" to or not.
in other words, the universe has other plans.
but why should i try to say anything?
i am young (relatively speaking), and have not done much traveling.
i do not have a rags to riches story.
i am not a high-powered career woman.
i am not a mother.
i do not want to be "famous" or put my biz (or my family's) out on front street.
i am not an activist.
still, i'm supposed to speak.
but don't all the "so you wanna be a writer..." books say you need to find your audience, then write to suit said audience? isn't that how i was trained?
i don't know who i'm talking to.
...no. that's a lie, too. truth, girl.
ok, ok.
i suppose i'd be talking to the girls like me who grew up to be women like me: aliens born into a world--and families--that didn't understand how to hold us. women who, despite all sense and sanity, feel driven to challenge, heal, nurture, and defend this shadowy, not-home place because we know we are not new, but modern manifestations of an ancient principle.
but it has to be real.
no contrived, new agey stuff.
no jargon and double speak.
no veiled tkon-isms.
no judgement of when, how or why you've come to the circle.
i'm gonna end this before my little hater starts up.
but it's a start.
i think it was based on a lie i told myself to avoid facing a larger truth.
the performance/poetry part is true. that world seems perpetually stuck somewhere between high school and college; a nice piece of nostalgia, but i'm way past love jones now.
i still do not, personally, want to to broadcast my story, but indications point to it being imperative that i find a vehicle to say something, whether i "want" to or not.
in other words, the universe has other plans.
but why should i try to say anything?
i am young (relatively speaking), and have not done much traveling.
i do not have a rags to riches story.
i am not a high-powered career woman.
i am not a mother.
i do not want to be "famous" or put my biz (or my family's) out on front street.
i am not an activist.
still, i'm supposed to speak.
but don't all the "so you wanna be a writer..." books say you need to find your audience, then write to suit said audience? isn't that how i was trained?
i don't know who i'm talking to.
...no. that's a lie, too. truth, girl.
ok, ok.
i suppose i'd be talking to the girls like me who grew up to be women like me: aliens born into a world--and families--that didn't understand how to hold us. women who, despite all sense and sanity, feel driven to challenge, heal, nurture, and defend this shadowy, not-home place because we know we are not new, but modern manifestations of an ancient principle.
but it has to be real.
no contrived, new agey stuff.
no jargon and double speak.
no veiled tkon-isms.
no judgement of when, how or why you've come to the circle.
i'm gonna end this before my little hater starts up.
but it's a start.
3.26.2009
micromovements
i have to deal with this word thing.
the creativity battle has to stop.
my conceptions, feelings and patterns around being muted and/or silenced need to be dealt with and reworked.
it's not a matter of finding my voice. it's more about respecting that voice and its power, and using it to fully step into my purpose.
fk.
that's pretty terrifying.
but i can't walk away from this kind of challenge. i'm too proud of my ability to dig up the roots of these things and fix them.
but how do i begin?
the creativity battle has to stop.
my conceptions, feelings and patterns around being muted and/or silenced need to be dealt with and reworked.
it's not a matter of finding my voice. it's more about respecting that voice and its power, and using it to fully step into my purpose.
fk.
that's pretty terrifying.
but i can't walk away from this kind of challenge. i'm too proud of my ability to dig up the roots of these things and fix them.
but how do i begin?
3.25.2009
blossoming (con't.)
i still hold a lot of fear about being fully myself.
then again, i also tend to forget that sometimes i've already written the answers.
i'll need all of me to get over this hump.
otherwise i'll stay stuck in the same mud i've been in for years.
then again, i also tend to forget that sometimes i've already written the answers.
i'll need all of me to get over this hump.
otherwise i'll stay stuck in the same mud i've been in for years.
3.24.2009
3.20.2009
#10 - cry when i need to, for as long and as hard as i need to. let go. don't suppress discomfort or pain. be vulnerable with yourself if no one else.
hey,
i know we don't talk very often, but i wanted to try to get in touch.
i used to see you a lot more years ago--during the healing--but not so much lately.
if i ignore you, it's because i don't really know how to talk to you, or i think you'll demand something i can't give. for the most part, i know things were good for you, but there were also some harsh things i'm not always sure how to face. i apologize for my cowardice.
that said, i need you to show me who you were. i know you probably saw a lot of things that i'm kind of tapped into now, but not like i really need to be.
i know you had a much clearer vision of who and what you wanted to be* before the world stepped in with all those "you can't..." and "don't you think you should..." things.
can you help me? can you help me to hear what you heard, see what you saw?
like the conversations with angels. i remember how i used to lie in bed and just...talk. and i was answered. i didn't realize until much later that conversations i thought i'd had with one of my parents were really things i asked the air.
i'm sure you're still around...as silly as i can be and as much as i still like playing with toys when the opportunity arises. but it's the deeper things i'm interested in now; the lessons you have to teach. i'd like to hear all those silly, imaginary thoughts you thought--because now i know you can show me which ones i need to cling to now.
anyway, i just wanted you to know i was thinking about you, and i hope we can talk soon. since the baby-dropping dreams** stopped some time ago, we must have healed our relationship at least somewhat. i hope you'll let me know if there's something you need.
see you soon,
o.
*there was something very, very familiar about the sorceress. even the word "sorceress" was beautiful to me. i felt, somehow, that i could either be like her or that i actually had been in some other existence. my favorite episodes of he-man were always ones where she featured prominently.
**i used to have a recurring dream where my mother had a baby (long after her hysterectomy). someone would invariably pass the baby to me and i would always drop him/her, much to my dismay/horror and berate myself horribly for doing so. later, i was told that the baby was probably me, and that i harbored some negative feelings around "dropping" or otherwise neglecting/harming my inner child.
i know we don't talk very often, but i wanted to try to get in touch.
i used to see you a lot more years ago--during the healing--but not so much lately.
if i ignore you, it's because i don't really know how to talk to you, or i think you'll demand something i can't give. for the most part, i know things were good for you, but there were also some harsh things i'm not always sure how to face. i apologize for my cowardice.
that said, i need you to show me who you were. i know you probably saw a lot of things that i'm kind of tapped into now, but not like i really need to be.
i know you had a much clearer vision of who and what you wanted to be* before the world stepped in with all those "you can't..." and "don't you think you should..." things.
can you help me? can you help me to hear what you heard, see what you saw?
like the conversations with angels. i remember how i used to lie in bed and just...talk. and i was answered. i didn't realize until much later that conversations i thought i'd had with one of my parents were really things i asked the air.
i'm sure you're still around...as silly as i can be and as much as i still like playing with toys when the opportunity arises. but it's the deeper things i'm interested in now; the lessons you have to teach. i'd like to hear all those silly, imaginary thoughts you thought--because now i know you can show me which ones i need to cling to now.
anyway, i just wanted you to know i was thinking about you, and i hope we can talk soon. since the baby-dropping dreams** stopped some time ago, we must have healed our relationship at least somewhat. i hope you'll let me know if there's something you need.
see you soon,
o.
*there was something very, very familiar about the sorceress. even the word "sorceress" was beautiful to me. i felt, somehow, that i could either be like her or that i actually had been in some other existence. my favorite episodes of he-man were always ones where she featured prominently.
**i used to have a recurring dream where my mother had a baby (long after her hysterectomy). someone would invariably pass the baby to me and i would always drop him/her, much to my dismay/horror and berate myself horribly for doing so. later, i was told that the baby was probably me, and that i harbored some negative feelings around "dropping" or otherwise neglecting/harming my inner child.
3.19.2009
back to birthing
had visions of butterflies this morning...
i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.
i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.
i feel good.
and i'm grateful.
iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides
ase o
i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.
i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.
i feel good.
and i'm grateful.
iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides
ase o
3.17.2009
baby blues
dearest devi,
you would have been about 6 months old now.
i'm very sorry you didn't make it into the world, although i understand why. i still think of you before i bleed every month, especially when i can feel those subtle movements of my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
sometimes i get angry, thinking it's all a waste. other times, i'm grateful because i know that as long as i bleed, there's a possibility you'll return.
i've heard your tiny little voice a few times. you call me "mama" just like i hoped you'd grow up to do. i know your spirit will always be with me, even though we weren't physically connected for very long.
every time i hear a new baby's coming, i think about you and miss you. it hurts that we weren't able to be together.
because baba's not well, i don't know if i'll have another chance to see you or any of your (possible) brothers and sisters. as you might know, we don't get many chances to birth in my family, but i wouldn't want to bring you here knowing you might have to endure the loss of one of your parents.
i hope you know that we would have loved to meet you. i even knew what you'd look like: baba's eyes, a complexion between mine and his. definitely an awesome smile. i liked how you would come in dreams sometimes.
i wanted to birth you in water somewhere beautiful and safe--no weird drugs or doctors in masks hanging around.
i wanted to learn how to wear you like the ancestors did and laugh when your grandma fussed about how you were going to "fall out of that thing".
i wanted to read you all the books i didn't get to see until college while you were in the womb.
i wanted orin orisa to be your lullabies so you'd feel more at home.
i'm not exactly sure why i'm writing this, baby. given everything that's happened since, i've gone back to my usual "maybe i will, maybe i won't" speech when people ask me about whether or not i want/when i'm going to have any babies.
but in the back of my mind, i just laugh a little and think about how this would have been a completely different half-year if you'd been here. sometimes it just hurts and makes me want to cry. i know they don't mean anything by it, though.
i'll always love you and the possibilities you brought with you. you did a lot of healing and brought a lot of gifts, and i'm grateful. we both are.
be a good girl. i know i'll see you again one day.
yours,
mama
you would have been about 6 months old now.
i'm very sorry you didn't make it into the world, although i understand why. i still think of you before i bleed every month, especially when i can feel those subtle movements of my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
sometimes i get angry, thinking it's all a waste. other times, i'm grateful because i know that as long as i bleed, there's a possibility you'll return.
i've heard your tiny little voice a few times. you call me "mama" just like i hoped you'd grow up to do. i know your spirit will always be with me, even though we weren't physically connected for very long.
every time i hear a new baby's coming, i think about you and miss you. it hurts that we weren't able to be together.
because baba's not well, i don't know if i'll have another chance to see you or any of your (possible) brothers and sisters. as you might know, we don't get many chances to birth in my family, but i wouldn't want to bring you here knowing you might have to endure the loss of one of your parents.
i hope you know that we would have loved to meet you. i even knew what you'd look like: baba's eyes, a complexion between mine and his. definitely an awesome smile. i liked how you would come in dreams sometimes.
i wanted to birth you in water somewhere beautiful and safe--no weird drugs or doctors in masks hanging around.
i wanted to learn how to wear you like the ancestors did and laugh when your grandma fussed about how you were going to "fall out of that thing".
i wanted to read you all the books i didn't get to see until college while you were in the womb.
i wanted orin orisa to be your lullabies so you'd feel more at home.
i'm not exactly sure why i'm writing this, baby. given everything that's happened since, i've gone back to my usual "maybe i will, maybe i won't" speech when people ask me about whether or not i want/when i'm going to have any babies.
but in the back of my mind, i just laugh a little and think about how this would have been a completely different half-year if you'd been here. sometimes it just hurts and makes me want to cry. i know they don't mean anything by it, though.
i'll always love you and the possibilities you brought with you. you did a lot of healing and brought a lot of gifts, and i'm grateful. we both are.
be a good girl. i know i'll see you again one day.
yours,
mama
3.16.2009
here we go again...
more fear-based conspiracy programming.*
i support(ed) obama and still do, within reason. whatever the consequence of his presidency, a mccain/palin one would have only sped things up (can you even comprehend the world if he kicked and that woman was in the chair??!?)
that said, obama could still fk up. it wouldn't break my heart if he did.
i'm also unnerved by the shot of the black boys drilling when they're not doing anything that you wouldn't see at a black frat step show. i'm a lot more worried about the jesus camp kids. white privilege still goes a long way.
even if this film is absolute truth, obama could still have a wake up call. he has time--whatever the consequences--to say "fk the system" and encourage others to do the same.
hell, if i remember correctly, kennedy towed the line for awhile, too. he made a decision to go the way he went; he didn't go in with guns blazing.
i am with the idea that all these financial ups and downs are orchestrated and that a handful of old white dudes are running the show. the military is dangerously overblown, and our economy is a joke mainly because a few people with a lot of money said "screw the public".
but guess what?
there are more of us than them.
people are coming to consciousness.
not everyone forgot history.
and the military ain't what it used to be--at least not in people power.
i'm not saying alex jones is completely wrong--just that information can be disseminated without a bunch of fear-mongering and with far more than a brief nod to constructive, solution-oriented thought.
*full disclosure: i watched about 40 min straight, then skipped to the end. will watch the full film later and come back, if necessary.
i support(ed) obama and still do, within reason. whatever the consequence of his presidency, a mccain/palin one would have only sped things up (can you even comprehend the world if he kicked and that woman was in the chair??!?)
that said, obama could still fk up. it wouldn't break my heart if he did.
i'm also unnerved by the shot of the black boys drilling when they're not doing anything that you wouldn't see at a black frat step show. i'm a lot more worried about the jesus camp kids. white privilege still goes a long way.
even if this film is absolute truth, obama could still have a wake up call. he has time--whatever the consequences--to say "fk the system" and encourage others to do the same.
hell, if i remember correctly, kennedy towed the line for awhile, too. he made a decision to go the way he went; he didn't go in with guns blazing.
i am with the idea that all these financial ups and downs are orchestrated and that a handful of old white dudes are running the show. the military is dangerously overblown, and our economy is a joke mainly because a few people with a lot of money said "screw the public".
but guess what?
there are more of us than them.
people are coming to consciousness.
not everyone forgot history.
and the military ain't what it used to be--at least not in people power.
i'm not saying alex jones is completely wrong--just that information can be disseminated without a bunch of fear-mongering and with far more than a brief nod to constructive, solution-oriented thought.
*full disclosure: i watched about 40 min straight, then skipped to the end. will watch the full film later and come back, if necessary.
compulsion
i'm starting to wonder: why must i write about everything?
whether it's here or in a journal somewhere, everything has to be put into words, expressed.
well, at least these days i don't stop myself...
whether it's here or in a journal somewhere, everything has to be put into words, expressed.
well, at least these days i don't stop myself...
3.14.2009
a woman's intuition
i am grateful to have realized that the tarot is a profound way to view impending issues and/or successes so that prayers and intentions can be focused more efficiently.
it's amazing how these methods have been maligned and ignored--probably in large part because they are so empowering in personal spiritual development.
starting with the holy roman empire and continuing ever since, divination has been stamped out and discouraged in favor of restricting true communication with the divine to a "chosen", impossible-to-emulate few. allowing it to exist in its original form as a means to understand one's destiny in a detailed, holistic way was diametrically opposed to the ultimate goals of imperialism: control and domination.
thankfully, many cultures have been able to retain their divination systems despite these trends. i suppose that since it wasn't supposed to work anyway (despite the obvious wizardry of moses, yeshua, john the baptist and several prophets), many elites decided to "let [the poor/women/commoners] have their [cards, shells, tea leaves]..." allowing mastery of the systems to be passed on except in the most repressive social situations. mystic and gnostic traditions also helped carry the torch.
once the negative programming of simplistic "fortune telling" is overcome, self divination allows patterns and concepts to emerge that are an immense help in navigating life.
just a thought.
it's amazing how these methods have been maligned and ignored--probably in large part because they are so empowering in personal spiritual development.
starting with the holy roman empire and continuing ever since, divination has been stamped out and discouraged in favor of restricting true communication with the divine to a "chosen", impossible-to-emulate few. allowing it to exist in its original form as a means to understand one's destiny in a detailed, holistic way was diametrically opposed to the ultimate goals of imperialism: control and domination.
thankfully, many cultures have been able to retain their divination systems despite these trends. i suppose that since it wasn't supposed to work anyway (despite the obvious wizardry of moses, yeshua, john the baptist and several prophets), many elites decided to "let [the poor/women/commoners] have their [cards, shells, tea leaves]..." allowing mastery of the systems to be passed on except in the most repressive social situations. mystic and gnostic traditions also helped carry the torch.
once the negative programming of simplistic "fortune telling" is overcome, self divination allows patterns and concepts to emerge that are an immense help in navigating life.
just a thought.
...and just to get the taste of that last post outta my mouth
baba peter laying down the knowledge:
no matter where you come from
if you're a blackman, you're an african
no matter where you come from
if you're a blackman, you're an african
3.13.2009
don't hate.
i tuned in to nightwolf this evening, and he was talking about the intersections of black folks and native americans in the context of the cherokee freedmen struggle.
i am grateful to him for his truth-telling, including his willingness to acknowledge the pre-colombian contact afrikans had with native americans.
i grew up knowing i had native american ancestry. later, i was able (pushed, really) to connect with it spiritually.
however, i do not know which tribe intersected my family. considering my maternal great-grandmother's ancestry, it was probably the rappahannock.
i also grew up with the implication that even if we could find out about that side of the family, it didn't really matter. they probably wouldn't want to acknowledge us anyway.
the same story over and over again.
interesting how everyone's trying to one-up themselves on the ladder of white supremacy or fight for the scraps from massa's table, forgetting that we all came from africa.
black folks, no matter where we are found, are the most concrete evidence of that.
(i am africa man, original)
it's hurtful that some indians would shun us, considering our shared struggles and history. when we knew who the enemy truly was, we helped each other.
it can be difficult to see how eager folks are to distance themselves from us.
we're not indian enough
we're not spanish enough
we're not white enough
and, now, we're not even african enough.
unbreakable
broken too easily...
the list goes on.
but, in the end?
we survived the whitefolks the best way(s) we knew how. just like you.
we lost many in the struggle. just like you.
and we're still losing them. just like you.
it just so happens that it was that much harder for us to blend in or pass or be accepted as civilized.
for the strength of our genes, we've paid some heavy costs.
regardless, i'm going to hold my head up high, 'cause we don't need any more hate, inferiority complexes, or half assed, fetishistic love.
up, you mighty race...
i am grateful to him for his truth-telling, including his willingness to acknowledge the pre-colombian contact afrikans had with native americans.
i grew up knowing i had native american ancestry. later, i was able (pushed, really) to connect with it spiritually.
however, i do not know which tribe intersected my family. considering my maternal great-grandmother's ancestry, it was probably the rappahannock.
i also grew up with the implication that even if we could find out about that side of the family, it didn't really matter. they probably wouldn't want to acknowledge us anyway.
the same story over and over again.
interesting how everyone's trying to one-up themselves on the ladder of white supremacy or fight for the scraps from massa's table, forgetting that we all came from africa.
black folks, no matter where we are found, are the most concrete evidence of that.
(i am africa man, original)
it's hurtful that some indians would shun us, considering our shared struggles and history. when we knew who the enemy truly was, we helped each other.
it can be difficult to see how eager folks are to distance themselves from us.
we're not indian enough
we're not spanish enough
we're not white enough
and, now, we're not even african enough.
unbreakable
broken too easily...
the list goes on.
but, in the end?
we survived the whitefolks the best way(s) we knew how. just like you.
we lost many in the struggle. just like you.
and we're still losing them. just like you.
it just so happens that it was that much harder for us to blend in or pass or be accepted as civilized.
for the strength of our genes, we've paid some heavy costs.
regardless, i'm going to hold my head up high, 'cause we don't need any more hate, inferiority complexes, or half assed, fetishistic love.
up, you mighty race...
3.03.2009
sri lankan cricket team attacked
again i have to wonder:
what's really going on here?
where are the guns coming from?
is any of this about some ideal of islam--or any ideal at all--or is it more about government corruption, blackmail, and the extortion of poor, desperate people?
my gut reacted to this article the same way it did to mumbai--something's missing. the whole story isn't being told.
it feels like the same old someones are pulling strings...
shout out to rorynyc for the heads up.
what's really going on here?
where are the guns coming from?
is any of this about some ideal of islam--or any ideal at all--or is it more about government corruption, blackmail, and the extortion of poor, desperate people?
my gut reacted to this article the same way it did to mumbai--something's missing. the whole story isn't being told.
it feels like the same old someones are pulling strings...
shout out to rorynyc for the heads up.
3.01.2009
random beauty
one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard as part of the soundtrack of one of my favorite anime series.
if you've seen it, you know how pivotal the scene is in the life of the character...but it's also a beautiful statement on the nature of suffering, life, struggle, the will to overcome death, and rebirth.
"obokuri-eemui" by ikue asazaki
if you've seen it, you know how pivotal the scene is in the life of the character...but it's also a beautiful statement on the nature of suffering, life, struggle, the will to overcome death, and rebirth.
"obokuri-eemui" by ikue asazaki
2.28.2009
self love # 7
another "in the dark" shot. this time it came out blue/purple...
reminds me of kali, which i like.
given the anger/rebirth theme of my life lately, also quite appropriate.
2.26.2009
victim blaming, patriarchal pitfalls, hit dogs, and other foolishness (part 2)
they actually did post my comment, so here it is (forgive any clarity issues...i was pissed):
i should also note that some more measured responses made their way to the fore later in the day, some blasting earlier comments better than i could.
unfortunately--on fire as i was--i ran out of time and, later, out of steam. so instead of a long, drawn out rant, i'll just do some quick notes:
sample 1
yes, she's sick. because her uncle--whoever the hell he is--has been pimping her out for over half her life. note that it would be a miracle if this woman has a formal education beyond high school.
i don't even have time to deal with the fool who suggested making the "uncle" pay for college.
and how the hell are you going to make blanket judgments about what's "useless" to discuss? this is one of the things i can't stand about the "holier than thou" crew: all that "we're in good w/ jesus!" stuff makes "us vs. them" far too easy--part of the reason christianity was taught to the masses the way it was. how are we supposed to work together for the good of all if we're all too caught up playing scripture jeopardy and rushing to die and collect our "reward"?
sample 2
i saw a lot of "why didn't she just tell someone..."
because rapists threaten to kill you if you tell. it takes years to tell. i understand that it can be difficult for some folks to comprehend the lengths abusers will go to to isolate the target of their abuse.
maybe she was adopted and/or raised in the foster system herself, making her vulnerable to this sort of manipulation. this "uncle" may not have been a biological relative, and we have no idea how much sway he holds over this woman and her family, or how long he's had this power. jumping to jacked up conclusions like she has "no one to blame but herself" are silly at best and dangerous at worst.
sample 3
if you just up and quit your job, would you have a legal, legitimate means to support yourself, or are you leaning on the everlasting arms of the man, pushing paper like most of the rest of us?
if you could support yourself, you're fortunate.
if not, you have no right to judge her.
self pitying? really? no thought to what she and her children need to heal, just "man up."
pardon, your self righteousness is showing...
sample 4
again, this is her job. like it or not. it's reality.
i was grateful for a later comment stating that when someone comes from this sort of lifestyle, many churches can feel more like inquisitions than sanctuaries. they also are not always set up to help people facing real life shit.
initially, she's probably far better off finding the nearest battered women's shelter, rape support group, or community therapy clinic than walking in anybody's church. they'll take care of her spiritually after/while tending to the basics (food, shelter, clothing).
she doesn't need to testify or to be forced through a litany of her "sins"; she needs a way out. now.
sample 5
god/dess helps those who help themselves. there needs to be an understanding of the psychological and physical ramifications of this, first and foremost. this kind of response, on its own, comes off as naive, immature, and out of touch.
all this just goes to show how much work really needs to be done around sexism, patriarchy and other oppressive paradigms, power dynamics and the psychology of abuse.
some of the comments here are frightening. is it fear of seeing your story in hers? if you haven't been in her shoes, you don't know WHAT you would do or WHO you would be. it's obvious that this woman knows no other life and has been severely abused--probably long before the age of 16.
more women than you know have been raped, abused, and molested. please believe it. even if this letter isn't true, this is the voice of thousands.
she needs professional therapy for her AND her daughters, and a ticket to the other side of the country (wherever she's from), away from this "uncle", whoever he is.
i mean no disrespect, but if jesus/the bible keeps y'all from seeing the obvious in this woman's story, then i hope she runs from THAT understanding of god as far & fast as she runs from the "uncle". peace.
i should also note that some more measured responses made their way to the fore later in the day, some blasting earlier comments better than i could.
unfortunately--on fire as i was--i ran out of time and, later, out of steam. so instead of a long, drawn out rant, i'll just do some quick notes:
sample 1
yes, she's sick. because her uncle--whoever the hell he is--has been pimping her out for over half her life. note that it would be a miracle if this woman has a formal education beyond high school.
i don't even have time to deal with the fool who suggested making the "uncle" pay for college.
and how the hell are you going to make blanket judgments about what's "useless" to discuss? this is one of the things i can't stand about the "holier than thou" crew: all that "we're in good w/ jesus!" stuff makes "us vs. them" far too easy--part of the reason christianity was taught to the masses the way it was. how are we supposed to work together for the good of all if we're all too caught up playing scripture jeopardy and rushing to die and collect our "reward"?
sample 2
i saw a lot of "why didn't she just tell someone..."
because rapists threaten to kill you if you tell. it takes years to tell. i understand that it can be difficult for some folks to comprehend the lengths abusers will go to to isolate the target of their abuse.
maybe she was adopted and/or raised in the foster system herself, making her vulnerable to this sort of manipulation. this "uncle" may not have been a biological relative, and we have no idea how much sway he holds over this woman and her family, or how long he's had this power. jumping to jacked up conclusions like she has "no one to blame but herself" are silly at best and dangerous at worst.
sample 3
if you just up and quit your job, would you have a legal, legitimate means to support yourself, or are you leaning on the everlasting arms of the man, pushing paper like most of the rest of us?
if you could support yourself, you're fortunate.
if not, you have no right to judge her.
self pitying? really? no thought to what she and her children need to heal, just "man up."
pardon, your self righteousness is showing...
sample 4
again, this is her job. like it or not. it's reality.
i was grateful for a later comment stating that when someone comes from this sort of lifestyle, many churches can feel more like inquisitions than sanctuaries. they also are not always set up to help people facing real life shit.
initially, she's probably far better off finding the nearest battered women's shelter, rape support group, or community therapy clinic than walking in anybody's church. they'll take care of her spiritually after/while tending to the basics (food, shelter, clothing).
she doesn't need to testify or to be forced through a litany of her "sins"; she needs a way out. now.
sample 5
god/dess helps those who help themselves. there needs to be an understanding of the psychological and physical ramifications of this, first and foremost. this kind of response, on its own, comes off as naive, immature, and out of touch.
all this just goes to show how much work really needs to be done around sexism, patriarchy and other oppressive paradigms, power dynamics and the psychology of abuse.
victim blaming, patriarchal pitfalls, hit dogs, and other foolishness (part 1)
for those of you not familiar with steve harvey, he has a syndicated radio show. every day during the show, there's a segment called strawberry letter 23.
sometimes the letters are humorous, sometimes serious.
today, there was a really serious letter:
understandably, this could be a fake--like any of them could. but the fact remains that this is not a completely unreasonable situation.
i had no issue with steve and shirley's response on air, but i decided that when i got to a computer, i'd check the listener comments to see what people were saying, thinking that folks would offer some interesting support and advice.
i was sadly disappointed.
most of the comments fell within the range of the following comments (identifying info removed, but otherwise unedited):
i'm gonna leave you with that for a minute.
in part 2, i'll respond as clearly and calmly as i can while simultaneously ripping these people a new one.
sometimes the letters are humorous, sometimes serious.
today, there was a really serious letter:
letter:
Date: 02/26/2009
Subject: distressed prostitute
Dear steve i am a 40 year old prostitute. i have a 16 year old and an 18 year old. they are both girls. they said that they want to follow in my footsteps but i told them no. the bad thing is that i'm a prostitute because their uncle started pimping me out at 16. and he is my girls father. and i have 4 other children by him that they dont know about. so what do you think that i should do?
understandably, this could be a fake--like any of them could. but the fact remains that this is not a completely unreasonable situation.
i had no issue with steve and shirley's response on air, but i decided that when i got to a computer, i'd check the listener comments to see what people were saying, thinking that folks would offer some interesting support and advice.
i was sadly disappointed.
most of the comments fell within the range of the following comments (identifying info removed, but otherwise unedited):
sample 1
I am aware their uncle could come from their father's side also. However, you stated at 16 he started pimping you out so this has to be your brother except the four other babies they do not know about.....wait you have me confused. They are all by the same man all six of them. So your brother is your pimp, brother, sexual partner, father of your children, children uncle. This can not be real. There is no need to discuss morality, ambition, profession, education, guidance, role model with you. You are just sick, you should have giving those girl up for adoption. The only thing I thought was strange initially was at 40 your eldest was 18 a bit old for a hooker. Then I read about the four others. Wonder where they are, and who raised them?
sample 2
I just want to know where was her parents the whole time this was going on between she and her brother. And although her daughters want to follow in her footsteps, she has no one else to blame except herself, because she is the role model for her children. So if she wanted a better life for them she should have thought about standing up for herself a longtime ago apparently she liked what she was doing too.
sample 3
Good morning Family. First off let me say that this letter is SOO wrong in SOO many ways. I hope and pray that this isn't true. At what point did it kick in that what was happening to you was wrong? Did you say something to another family member, or better yet, where was your MOTHER? I can't believe that you had SIX children and not once did anyone say anything about the father. Was there no one you could have went to and said I need to tell about what's been going on with me. You are now 40 years old and now your daughters are now looking at you like this is what they want to do. If this letter is true, it's time for you to 'man' up, be a woman about yours, stop with the self pitying, kick you old azz 'Uncle' to the curb and see about getting your life back together for the sake of your kids. And you said you have four other children that the other two don't know about? Where are they?? You know what...this foolishness has my pressure up and I'm going to be late for work. I'm going to pray for you. Family, you all have a good day.
sample 4
I am going to try to answer this question as dignified as I possibly can. Ahem! GET OFF YOUR BACK (literally) and GET A DAMN JOB!!! Where is Child Protective Services when you need them? You have a child that gets a spanking from their parents and CPS is ready to take the children. Here we have a woman that is hooking in front of her children, and CPS isn't involved. Lord, what is the world coming too. WHAT CAN YOU DO?!?!?! Is that a real question?!?!?!? Let's think a moment. Gee, what about...STOP HOOKING!!! I am hoping that when you say Uncle, you mean a man that the children call Uncle and not really any blood relation. That's what I am hoping because if that isn't the case, there is only one word to describe it...NASTY!!!! You don't want your children hooking! Why not? You set the stage by doing it in front of them!!! You must have wanted them in this life. I hate it when women act as if they don't have a way out situations like these. Since you are acting like you are dumb as bricks, I will set up the plan. 1. GET OFF YOUR BACK 2. GET TESTED FOR STD'S 3. GET ON YOUR FEET AND GET A DAMN JOB 4. WHILE WORKING GO TO SCHOOL AND GET YOUR EDUCATION (with two kids, you are sure to get Grants in order to further your education). 5. JOIN A CHURCH IMMEDIATELY (there is a Thursday bible study somewhere need you, I am sure of it) 6. MOVE FROM WHEREVER YOU ARE NOW AND AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. With the lifestyle that you have led, you need at least be 500 miles away from your old stomping grounds 7. Never have any contact with the "Uncle" ever again.
sample 5
Good Morning, I honestly hope that this letter is not real, but if it is all I can do is pray for her and hope that she will decide to turn to GOD and pray on it and he will take care of it
i'm gonna leave you with that for a minute.
in part 2, i'll respond as clearly and calmly as i can while simultaneously ripping these people a new one.
pissivity (1)*
MEMO
to: brainmass-clot-thingie (bmct)
from: o.
re: my honeybabysweetiecakes
bmct:
i fucking hate you.
i don't know where you came from, but you're not only fucking with his life, you're fucking with mine.
i know we had a rocky start, but six years and a whole lot of tears later, we've finally learned how to love each other. hell, he's marriage material, and i ain't even into marriage all like that.
then your ass shows up.
before, i couldn't plan on shit because of him. now i can't plan on shit because of you.
now, i'll give you credit for helping him get his mind right. we all know that staring down death can be a major catalyst in getting one's shit together.
but come the fuck on.
he's got a daughter to raise. she loves him, too. and, to be honest, she needs him a hell of a lot more than i ever could.
it'd also be nice if we could start our own family. all this time i've never really been sure about babies. too many loves that didn't go anywhere, too many broken hearts and missed chances. now here i am, 30 and counting, looking at the one person i could truly see fathering my children and what happens? you come and fuck it all up.
AND you've got the nerve to be a damned liar. the fuck? first he only had a year. then three months. then six. then he wasn't going to make it to his birthday. not that i want him to go, but dicking folks around 'cause you wanna be non fatally fatal is some total and utter bullshit.
you are a piece of shit and i hate you.
...but you've taken up residence in someone i love deeply, and i can't stand the thought of losing him. so i have to tolerate the knowledge that your ass is sitting there, waiting for...i don't even know what.
you picked the wrong one, though. he's strong, and he's not giving up. he's got a lot of people from a lot of walks of life praying for him. you're not gonna take him out of here easily. he's a warrior. guess you didn't bet on that. bitchassed cowards never do.
still, i needed to let your ass know that it's time to pack your bags and get the fuck outta dodge. i don't like you, i'm tired of the pain you're causing, and i want you to disappear. forever.
...just so we're clear, that means bowing out with no backtalk. don't be leaving him all fucked up like the doctors are always saying you might. no paralysis, no memory loss, none of that. least you could do for all this damned trouble.
our lives don't deserve to be on hold because of you--or anything, for that matter.
go back where you came from, motherfucker.
sincerely,
o.
*i didn't know this term had made it into the urban dictionary, but apparently it has. either way, this will be a series, as i have some anger to work out, and this is about as constructive as i can be about it.
to: brainmass-clot-thingie (bmct)
from: o.
re: my honeybabysweetiecakes
bmct:
i fucking hate you.
i don't know where you came from, but you're not only fucking with his life, you're fucking with mine.
i know we had a rocky start, but six years and a whole lot of tears later, we've finally learned how to love each other. hell, he's marriage material, and i ain't even into marriage all like that.
then your ass shows up.
before, i couldn't plan on shit because of him. now i can't plan on shit because of you.
now, i'll give you credit for helping him get his mind right. we all know that staring down death can be a major catalyst in getting one's shit together.
but come the fuck on.
he's got a daughter to raise. she loves him, too. and, to be honest, she needs him a hell of a lot more than i ever could.
it'd also be nice if we could start our own family. all this time i've never really been sure about babies. too many loves that didn't go anywhere, too many broken hearts and missed chances. now here i am, 30 and counting, looking at the one person i could truly see fathering my children and what happens? you come and fuck it all up.
AND you've got the nerve to be a damned liar. the fuck? first he only had a year. then three months. then six. then he wasn't going to make it to his birthday. not that i want him to go, but dicking folks around 'cause you wanna be non fatally fatal is some total and utter bullshit.
you are a piece of shit and i hate you.
...but you've taken up residence in someone i love deeply, and i can't stand the thought of losing him. so i have to tolerate the knowledge that your ass is sitting there, waiting for...i don't even know what.
you picked the wrong one, though. he's strong, and he's not giving up. he's got a lot of people from a lot of walks of life praying for him. you're not gonna take him out of here easily. he's a warrior. guess you didn't bet on that. bitchassed cowards never do.
still, i needed to let your ass know that it's time to pack your bags and get the fuck outta dodge. i don't like you, i'm tired of the pain you're causing, and i want you to disappear. forever.
...just so we're clear, that means bowing out with no backtalk. don't be leaving him all fucked up like the doctors are always saying you might. no paralysis, no memory loss, none of that. least you could do for all this damned trouble.
our lives don't deserve to be on hold because of you--or anything, for that matter.
go back where you came from, motherfucker.
sincerely,
o.
*i didn't know this term had made it into the urban dictionary, but apparently it has. either way, this will be a series, as i have some anger to work out, and this is about as constructive as i can be about it.
2.24.2009
happy mardi gras, cher
i love mardi gras. for some reason, this is the only widely celebrated day that actually feels like a holiday to me.
i think it's all the ritualizing around impending spring/rebirth that i enjoy. plus i'm always in the midst of my birth-time energy. the depression and heaviness of fall and winter finally start to crack and fall away--no matter how cold it happens to be.
originally, i was born on a palm sunday. i think my actual birthdate has fallen on or near it several times since. i always liked to hear my mother talk about how it was an unseasonably warm, very beautiful afternoon.
i was raised lutheran, so mom always made pancakes for dinner on "shrove tuesday", also tons of fun. what kid doesn't appreciate breakfast for dinner? still, having successfully resisted sunday school, i did not understand the full meaning behind it until much later.
so this is, in many ways, my season.
spring seems to struggle to get here. it's not like october with a colorful equinox or that typical late may/june overnight leap into full summer.
the month of march feels almost violently transitional. anything can happen with the weather, from beautiful pre-spring days to freezing rain and snow.
it really is like a microcosm of my birth and my life.
so, enjoy the party, and don't give up too much for lent, hear?
i think it's all the ritualizing around impending spring/rebirth that i enjoy. plus i'm always in the midst of my birth-time energy. the depression and heaviness of fall and winter finally start to crack and fall away--no matter how cold it happens to be.
originally, i was born on a palm sunday. i think my actual birthdate has fallen on or near it several times since. i always liked to hear my mother talk about how it was an unseasonably warm, very beautiful afternoon.
i was raised lutheran, so mom always made pancakes for dinner on "shrove tuesday", also tons of fun. what kid doesn't appreciate breakfast for dinner? still, having successfully resisted sunday school, i did not understand the full meaning behind it until much later.
so this is, in many ways, my season.
spring seems to struggle to get here. it's not like october with a colorful equinox or that typical late may/june overnight leap into full summer.
the month of march feels almost violently transitional. anything can happen with the weather, from beautiful pre-spring days to freezing rain and snow.
it really is like a microcosm of my birth and my life.
so, enjoy the party, and don't give up too much for lent, hear?
2.23.2009
movement
revelations seem to come by the hour.
i need to do some work around money. there's something off about how that energy is working in my life.
probably said this a million times, but i really do need to commit to finding a way to move my body.
i need to revision my space.
this may be an example to follow.
smudging, bathing, cleansing...all very necessary. i have to shake off the last bit of this old skin and protect the new one.
i have blinded myself to something i desperately need to see. i am opening, but the mental blocks i put up to protect need to fall away now, even though i fear what will happen when they do.
i need more rest than i usually do. more quiet. my tolerance for nonsense, time-wasting, and other unnecessary things is waning.
my desert cravings are returning. i should probably research the symbolism of that.
this list will probably continue to grow...
i need to do some work around money. there's something off about how that energy is working in my life.
probably said this a million times, but i really do need to commit to finding a way to move my body.
i need to revision my space.
this may be an example to follow.
smudging, bathing, cleansing...all very necessary. i have to shake off the last bit of this old skin and protect the new one.
i have blinded myself to something i desperately need to see. i am opening, but the mental blocks i put up to protect need to fall away now, even though i fear what will happen when they do.
i need more rest than i usually do. more quiet. my tolerance for nonsense, time-wasting, and other unnecessary things is waning.
my desert cravings are returning. i should probably research the symbolism of that.
this list will probably continue to grow...
2.22.2009
buy/beg/borrow this book!!
birnbaum's dark mother: african origins and godmothers.
so much is sitting right before our eyes, just waiting for us to revisit, reclaim and rejuvenate it.
so much is sitting right before our eyes, just waiting for us to revisit, reclaim and rejuvenate it.
2.21.2009
innerscope
saw an interesting message on twitter yesterday from god the mother:
I believe that people are drawn to spaces in this world that reflect their inner landscapes. What does your personal utopia say about you?
i need sun, heat, and plenty of water.
something between a mediterranean and a desert climate would be nice: never below 60-70 degrees, but definitely hovering around 85-90 in the summer. little humidity, some coolness at night. i wouldn't mind rain now and then, but would prefer to avoid a whole rainy season.
my house would be large, but not imposing. i don't want something that looks like what most americans think of as a mansion. a colorful adobe or hacienda style building would be perfect.
wide open kitchen and living room spaces, a small loft for an office, and a lounging/entertaining room that could double as a guest bedroom. plenty of natural light and wood/glass/stone furniture and fixtures juxtaposed with soft pillows, throws and fabrics.
my bedroom would be a hidden nook somewhere, essentially unnoticeable from the rest of the house. the entrance could even be a sort of optical illusion: a door hidden behind a beaded curtain. it'd have its own full, private bath...probably decorated in blues and purples.
i suppose i couldn't live in the desert and near an ocean, so i'd rather have the ocean. if i could be 60-90 minutes or less from a large, clean, beautiful body of water, i'd be happy. storms and all.
the waters are home, shrine, playground, and spa for me. a daily swim would do wonders.
i want my golden summer skin all year long.
i want to never have to wear more than two layers at a time. tights/pantyhose would be obsolete (unless they just looked really nice with my outfit).
i want to see beautiful plants, trees and flowers within any given month.
i want to practice yoga in my garden.
that's my utopia.
I believe that people are drawn to spaces in this world that reflect their inner landscapes. What does your personal utopia say about you?
i need sun, heat, and plenty of water.
something between a mediterranean and a desert climate would be nice: never below 60-70 degrees, but definitely hovering around 85-90 in the summer. little humidity, some coolness at night. i wouldn't mind rain now and then, but would prefer to avoid a whole rainy season.
my house would be large, but not imposing. i don't want something that looks like what most americans think of as a mansion. a colorful adobe or hacienda style building would be perfect.
wide open kitchen and living room spaces, a small loft for an office, and a lounging/entertaining room that could double as a guest bedroom. plenty of natural light and wood/glass/stone furniture and fixtures juxtaposed with soft pillows, throws and fabrics.
my bedroom would be a hidden nook somewhere, essentially unnoticeable from the rest of the house. the entrance could even be a sort of optical illusion: a door hidden behind a beaded curtain. it'd have its own full, private bath...probably decorated in blues and purples.
i suppose i couldn't live in the desert and near an ocean, so i'd rather have the ocean. if i could be 60-90 minutes or less from a large, clean, beautiful body of water, i'd be happy. storms and all.
the waters are home, shrine, playground, and spa for me. a daily swim would do wonders.
i want my golden summer skin all year long.
i want to never have to wear more than two layers at a time. tights/pantyhose would be obsolete (unless they just looked really nice with my outfit).
i want to see beautiful plants, trees and flowers within any given month.
i want to practice yoga in my garden.
that's my utopia.
2.19.2009
blessed mother
i've had several dreams of isis-mary in the last few weeks. both times she appeared in her currently accepted, whitewashed aspect. the first was of mary wondering why we do not acknowledge her true nature. the second was of mary magdalene, who has fascinated me for years.
i've always been curious about mary. when i was a child, determined to read the bible on my own, i asked my mother why jesus called her "woman". about a year or two ago, i was hopelessly drawn to guadalupe. eventually i came to own one of her candles and a dollar store jewelry box bearing her image.
yesterday, i felt like i had to sit with her.
there's a cathedral near work that i hijack every now and then. aside from a beautiful pieta and a few virgins, they also have a statue of st. patrick, who is syncretized to another beloved spirit, papa damballah.
i've always loved catholic churches. i've come to see my infrequent visits to them as an homage to my ancestors, at least a handful of whom were members of the church. i've probably also mentioned my gratitude for the multitude of saints and intricate ritualizing that allowed my ancestors to hold on to their traditional deities, spells and cosmologies despite the repression and cruelty of disaporic scattering and slavery.
i never get to spend as much time as i think i should with her, but there's something going on with that statue--or at least with its energy. kneeling near her feels all at once peaceful and immeasurably powerful. there is a feeling of vast, attentive compassion; she truly listens to you. the candles lit at her feet echo the hopes and prayers of countless people.
i see her as i see yemonja and osun. in truth, they are all different facets of the same jewel. it just so happens that this one has a european face.
in the dreaming--also in a church--isis-mary spoke to me almost as if i were a sister or a kindred spirit. she was on her usual pedestal, trying to break free of her marble casing. she seemed to say, "i want to get down and be with you all!" i seemed to be the only one who could hear her. everyone else kept their heads down, devoutly reciting their pre-approved prayers.
it felt like a comment on the disconnect patriarchal/westernized religion has created between us and our own divinity: as soon as i looked at her instead of deferring to her, she spoke quite clearly.
it's nice to have her pray for you. it's even nicer to invite her in.
the dream of the magdalene was hazy, but i do remember walking and talking with her. she was open and cordial, with the bearing of a countess or old money socialite.
so, given all that, i acknowledged her invitation. i asked what she needed from me--or what i needed from her. asked for more dreams and clarity. thanked her for her obvious mercy and prayed for healing for a few people in need.
the first time i started to get up to leave, i felt stuck in place, as if someone had thrown a heavy coat over my shoulders. so i took a deep breath and stayed a few more moments, then explained that i had to go. the second rising was easier, but still reluctant.
we definitely know each other, she and i.
i wonder why she's come knocking this lifetime...
i've always been curious about mary. when i was a child, determined to read the bible on my own, i asked my mother why jesus called her "woman". about a year or two ago, i was hopelessly drawn to guadalupe. eventually i came to own one of her candles and a dollar store jewelry box bearing her image.
yesterday, i felt like i had to sit with her.
there's a cathedral near work that i hijack every now and then. aside from a beautiful pieta and a few virgins, they also have a statue of st. patrick, who is syncretized to another beloved spirit, papa damballah.
i've always loved catholic churches. i've come to see my infrequent visits to them as an homage to my ancestors, at least a handful of whom were members of the church. i've probably also mentioned my gratitude for the multitude of saints and intricate ritualizing that allowed my ancestors to hold on to their traditional deities, spells and cosmologies despite the repression and cruelty of disaporic scattering and slavery.
i never get to spend as much time as i think i should with her, but there's something going on with that statue--or at least with its energy. kneeling near her feels all at once peaceful and immeasurably powerful. there is a feeling of vast, attentive compassion; she truly listens to you. the candles lit at her feet echo the hopes and prayers of countless people.
i see her as i see yemonja and osun. in truth, they are all different facets of the same jewel. it just so happens that this one has a european face.
in the dreaming--also in a church--isis-mary spoke to me almost as if i were a sister or a kindred spirit. she was on her usual pedestal, trying to break free of her marble casing. she seemed to say, "i want to get down and be with you all!" i seemed to be the only one who could hear her. everyone else kept their heads down, devoutly reciting their pre-approved prayers.
it felt like a comment on the disconnect patriarchal/westernized religion has created between us and our own divinity: as soon as i looked at her instead of deferring to her, she spoke quite clearly.
it's nice to have her pray for you. it's even nicer to invite her in.
the dream of the magdalene was hazy, but i do remember walking and talking with her. she was open and cordial, with the bearing of a countess or old money socialite.
so, given all that, i acknowledged her invitation. i asked what she needed from me--or what i needed from her. asked for more dreams and clarity. thanked her for her obvious mercy and prayed for healing for a few people in need.
the first time i started to get up to leave, i felt stuck in place, as if someone had thrown a heavy coat over my shoulders. so i took a deep breath and stayed a few more moments, then explained that i had to go. the second rising was easier, but still reluctant.
we definitely know each other, she and i.
i wonder why she's come knocking this lifetime...
bella luna
i really, really, really do not like having to be at work all day during my first full day of bleeding.
not only does my energy fluctuate, but sometimes my cramps come back.
then there's the temperature paradox: i want to wear as little clothing as possible, but i run cold, so that's impossible. every layer feels like it weighs a ton.
i don't wear a lot of skirts, particularly in the winter. but all of a sudden i turn into a nun--i want the longest, flowy-est thing possible. i don't want anything constricting on my stomach and pants feel like prisons.
reason #205090 i need to find a way to make my own schedule...
not only does my energy fluctuate, but sometimes my cramps come back.
then there's the temperature paradox: i want to wear as little clothing as possible, but i run cold, so that's impossible. every layer feels like it weighs a ton.
i don't wear a lot of skirts, particularly in the winter. but all of a sudden i turn into a nun--i want the longest, flowy-est thing possible. i don't want anything constricting on my stomach and pants feel like prisons.
reason #205090 i need to find a way to make my own schedule...
2.17.2009
one unique sista (apparently)
you know, every time i see something like this or a blog like this, i start to wonder: am i really that different?*
or maybe gender roles are just that fked up, arbitrary, and nonsensical.
or, alternately, maturity is the true rarity.
either way, the "usual" crap/handling doesn't work on me, and hasn't since i was a teenager.
i am unmarried and childless because i was raised to make very thoughtful choices around those matters--if i chose to take that route in life at all. neither is or was central to womanhood in my family.
i have never had a problem attracting or "keeping" men, and even though i identify as a womanist/feminist, i have nothing against mothering/childbirth, as i've written about here a few times.
in my experience, needing to be right is generally a male affliction.
sure, i can get hormonal, but i KNOW when i am and will tell you (my moods don't swing anything like they used to anyway).
i do not covet, enjoy, like or entertain drama. i watch it on tv.
black men--or men in general, for that matter--are not my enemy and i do not treat them as such.
i know my shit, i've worked on a lot of it, and i'm willing to keep working on it if/when necessary. i expect the same of my partners.
so i really don't know what to tell you. either there are a lot of children out there masquerading as grown folk, or y'all know some really interesting people.
*for the record, i rather enjoy very smart brothas. i am NOT a fan of tubman--whether he's serious or not. he's a defcon 1 level tkon associate, obviously
or maybe gender roles are just that fked up, arbitrary, and nonsensical.
or, alternately, maturity is the true rarity.
either way, the "usual" crap/handling doesn't work on me, and hasn't since i was a teenager.
i am unmarried and childless because i was raised to make very thoughtful choices around those matters--if i chose to take that route in life at all. neither is or was central to womanhood in my family.
i have never had a problem attracting or "keeping" men, and even though i identify as a womanist/feminist, i have nothing against mothering/childbirth, as i've written about here a few times.
in my experience, needing to be right is generally a male affliction.
sure, i can get hormonal, but i KNOW when i am and will tell you (my moods don't swing anything like they used to anyway).
i do not covet, enjoy, like or entertain drama. i watch it on tv.
black men--or men in general, for that matter--are not my enemy and i do not treat them as such.
i know my shit, i've worked on a lot of it, and i'm willing to keep working on it if/when necessary. i expect the same of my partners.
so i really don't know what to tell you. either there are a lot of children out there masquerading as grown folk, or y'all know some really interesting people.
*for the record, i rather enjoy very smart brothas. i am NOT a fan of tubman--whether he's serious or not. he's a defcon 1 level tkon associate, obviously
2.15.2009
outrage of the moment
re: the new red bull ad
i googled and only came up with an indianz.com forum post.
it's interesting how the discussion mirrors ones i've seen on sites dealing with black issues: some folks saying it's definitely annoying/offensive, others wanting to deal with the larger issues. even so, because we live in such a media-driven society, it's important to recognize the intersections between how "they" make fun or light of you and how your other, more serious social issues are handled as a result. it's all connected.
i can't drink the nasty mess anyway (have issues with caffeine), but the first time i saw that joint, i had a "wtf?!??!?" moment. i may have even cringed.
racist? it's dancing on the line.
insensitive/stereotypical/asinine? definitely.
i googled and only came up with an indianz.com forum post.
it's interesting how the discussion mirrors ones i've seen on sites dealing with black issues: some folks saying it's definitely annoying/offensive, others wanting to deal with the larger issues. even so, because we live in such a media-driven society, it's important to recognize the intersections between how "they" make fun or light of you and how your other, more serious social issues are handled as a result. it's all connected.
i can't drink the nasty mess anyway (have issues with caffeine), but the first time i saw that joint, i had a "wtf?!??!?" moment. i may have even cringed.
racist? it's dancing on the line.
insensitive/stereotypical/asinine? definitely.
2.13.2009
my mayan destiny...
i was over at raet's house, and she had a post about mayan calendar destinies or kin.
so i went over to check mine out, and it said:
Yellow Cosmic Sun
I Endure in order to Enlighten
Transcending Life
I seal the Matrix of Universal Fire
With the Cosmic tone of Presence
I am guided by the power of Flowering
i like the way it sounds...
you can get a full explanation by saying you want an "extended" decoding. i chose that option, but it was more than i bargained for and i wound up having to rush through it. maybe i'll go back when i have more time to reflect on it all.
so i went over to check mine out, and it said:
Yellow Cosmic Sun
I Endure in order to Enlighten
Transcending Life
I seal the Matrix of Universal Fire
With the Cosmic tone of Presence
I am guided by the power of Flowering
i like the way it sounds...
you can get a full explanation by saying you want an "extended" decoding. i chose that option, but it was more than i bargained for and i wound up having to rush through it. maybe i'll go back when i have more time to reflect on it all.
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