for the kids...

although there are times when i think about motherhood and wonder if i'll have children, i also realize that i do not have a driving desire to be a mother*.

it seems that many women realize that desire relatively early on. i enjoyed my baby dolls like any other girl, but i liked dressing them up and sitting them on a shelf just as much as i liked combing their hair and carrying them around. my true companion was a stuffed dog named ralphie--probably a nod to my early attachment and exposure to animals.

the toys i played with most were boys' action figures, other stuffed animals and legos. i had one good barbie doll and a couple of auxiliary ones. loved my atari, lite brite** and easy bake oven.

when i think about what i wrote in my diaries--which i started keeping in about 2nd or 3rd grade--i wanted a boyfriend, but not necessarily babies. again, like a lot of other girls, i named my daughters (it was always a daughter...i almost never thought of sons...) aloud, but on the pages, i wondered about what i was going to do with my life, tried to make sense of the world.

maybe that's why i took to barbie more so than the babies--i wanted to be grown up like her, be on my own and drive a car.

these days i'm almost grateful that i don't feel driven to motherhood. given some conversations i've (over)heard/had and even some of my own mother's comments, i sometimes wonder if that drive causes some women overlook a lot of bullshit.

if i see the bullshit, i don't wanna procreate.

on the other hand, we all come here to learn lessons and to evolve, and parenting/partnering are perfectly valid ways to do both.

to each her own.

*i do have strong maternal instincts, however, i've always been guided by instinct and intuition, so limiting those feelings to maternity alone is misleading. i also realize that my socialization focused mainly on culture and identity rather than strict gender roles, which probably allowed me to name/claim those feelings in various ways.

**used the wikipedia entry instead of hasbro.com 'cause of the old school photo. my lite brite looked like that. i don't really dig the new ones.


Anonymous said...

Well, you are not obligated to be a biological mother just because you have womb. It is always best to follow your instincts. There are a lot of unhappy mothers and children out there.

ms. bliss honeycomb said...

very true...but you know how it is. societal crap sneaks in sometimes anyway. :-)

but i was definitely raised with the idea that i shouldn't delve into childrearing or marriage unless or until i was really ready. my family's also very small, so having kids wasn't necessarily what you "did" or how you achieved adulthood.