pissivity (2)

i liked you. actually, i still like you.

somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.

i liked you.

then you dropped me.

i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.

i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.

(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)

the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.

this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.

i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.

on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.

i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.

so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:

fuck you.

i wanted to hand you a bit of heaven and you turned your back on it. that's fine; i don't need you. you only hurt yourself.

still, given my charms, it hurts that someone so beautiful and honeyed did not fall under my spell. you bruised my ego, which is only truly considerable in matters of love/loving. i don't expect to get everything i want, but i sure do get a lot of it.

no one asked you for undying love or loyalty. i just wanted to share something with you, and you told me no.

there's no need to explain; no explanation would suffice. you, my little challenge, resisted the irresistible, thereby simultaneously earning my wrath and my respect. congratulations, and thanks for the lesson.

gratefully, in this (life)time, there will be no jealous fits, catfights or enraged, drunken phone calls.

still, only true worshippers are allowed in my house. curiosity seekers need not cross my threshold.

you can go the fuck away now.