bob herbert on healthcare "reform".
once again, this country is shooting itself in the foot because of the lies it continues to perpetuate and the prejudices it feeds...
8.19.2009
8.17.2009
acknowledgement
i am afraid to open the door that will allow me to comprehensively re-envision my life.
but i know i have to let go; these new dreams, ideas and concepts must be allowed to flow in, out and over me.
it's the only way to move forward.
8.14.2009
i saw love yesterday
...and it nearly stopped my heart.
it was so obvious and open.
somehow, when i saw those two people together, it slammed into me.
this is what was missing. this is what i've been hoping for.
it was so obvious and open.
somehow, when i saw those two people together, it slammed into me.
this is what was missing. this is what i've been hoping for.
8.12.2009
a dialogue
the players
the shore of a beautiful, unspoiled ocean. the mermaid has approached, tears in her eyes. the huntress stands proudly on the pinkish-white sand, sighing. she knew this conversation was inevitable.
the conversation
mermaid (her voice is a hiss. her anger sends waves crashing onto the beach)
you bitch. you did it again! how could you?
huntress (unflinching)
it needed doing.
mermaid
damn you, i love him. why are you always so harsh and unforgiving?
huntress (forceful, but without malice)
i loved him, too. but he was taking up too much space and time. that wasn't part of the bargain.
mermaid (her eyes well with tears)
b-but...what will i do out here all alone?
huntress
live. what else? when's the last time you swam out to the deepest parts of the sea, hm? you don't even wear your jewels anymore for fear of attracting someone else, while he's off entertaining his own thoughts. you have forgotten yourself.
mermaid (calmer, straightening her spine)
no. he needed me. i have been true to him, that's all. i did what he asked and took care of him.
huntress (barely stifling a haughty laugh)
you did. and where has he been?
mermaid
busy, i suppose.
huntress
then you should busy yourself. it is time to move on. i have paths to forge, things to build. i would love to fight and win pretty things for you, sister, but you no longer call for them. you've asked me to sit on this shore and wait--
mermaid (a sad voice laced with anger)
i hoped things would get better. he always said they would, and i know he wouldn't lie to me.
huntress
no one said he lied.
mermaid (sighing)
yes...
huntress
the results are what matter.
mermaid
it's still sad...
huntress
of course. i am sorry for your loss, but i'm still not certain you realize all you've lost in your loving and waiting. i wish i could cry your tears, but i swore to protect you, so i had to run him off.
mermaid
i appreciate your concern. i just wish things could have been different.
huntress (visibly softening for the first time)
you know i do, too. but we are both meant for great things. love will come again.
mermaid
hm...i have missed my jewels. a long swim might be helpful...
huntress
don't get distracted on the way.
mermaid (with a sad smile)
no...i'm finished with love for awhile. i haven't forgotten that we're the same; twins forced apart by my forgetfulness. there has to be a way for us to come together again.
huntress
definitely. next time we meet, we'll reunite and celebrate.
the mermaid swims away, slowly at first, then gathering energy and joy as she goes. the huntress walks off to begin her work.
~fin~
- a beautiful mermaid
- a huntress, able to shape-shift into a tigress at will
the shore of a beautiful, unspoiled ocean. the mermaid has approached, tears in her eyes. the huntress stands proudly on the pinkish-white sand, sighing. she knew this conversation was inevitable.
the conversation
mermaid (her voice is a hiss. her anger sends waves crashing onto the beach)
you bitch. you did it again! how could you?
huntress (unflinching)
it needed doing.
mermaid
damn you, i love him. why are you always so harsh and unforgiving?
huntress (forceful, but without malice)
i loved him, too. but he was taking up too much space and time. that wasn't part of the bargain.
mermaid (her eyes well with tears)
b-but...what will i do out here all alone?
huntress
live. what else? when's the last time you swam out to the deepest parts of the sea, hm? you don't even wear your jewels anymore for fear of attracting someone else, while he's off entertaining his own thoughts. you have forgotten yourself.
mermaid (calmer, straightening her spine)
no. he needed me. i have been true to him, that's all. i did what he asked and took care of him.
huntress (barely stifling a haughty laugh)
you did. and where has he been?
mermaid
busy, i suppose.
huntress
then you should busy yourself. it is time to move on. i have paths to forge, things to build. i would love to fight and win pretty things for you, sister, but you no longer call for them. you've asked me to sit on this shore and wait--
mermaid (a sad voice laced with anger)
i hoped things would get better. he always said they would, and i know he wouldn't lie to me.
huntress
no one said he lied.
mermaid (sighing)
yes...
huntress
the results are what matter.
mermaid
it's still sad...
huntress
of course. i am sorry for your loss, but i'm still not certain you realize all you've lost in your loving and waiting. i wish i could cry your tears, but i swore to protect you, so i had to run him off.
mermaid
i appreciate your concern. i just wish things could have been different.
huntress (visibly softening for the first time)
you know i do, too. but we are both meant for great things. love will come again.
mermaid
hm...i have missed my jewels. a long swim might be helpful...
huntress
don't get distracted on the way.
mermaid (with a sad smile)
no...i'm finished with love for awhile. i haven't forgotten that we're the same; twins forced apart by my forgetfulness. there has to be a way for us to come together again.
huntress
definitely. next time we meet, we'll reunite and celebrate.
the mermaid swims away, slowly at first, then gathering energy and joy as she goes. the huntress walks off to begin her work.
~fin~
8.09.2009
today's gratitude
to ward off the insanity...
my cooking skills
sunshine
candles & altars
sister circles
my wits
dreams of grandmamas i never knew
fresh breezes
intuition
self love/self preservation
silent phone settings
breakthroughs. even painful ones.
farmer's markets
goddess oracle cards
incense
having just enough to get by
futureme.org
my cooking skills
sunshine
candles & altars
sister circles
my wits
dreams of grandmamas i never knew
fresh breezes
intuition
self love/self preservation
silent phone settings
breakthroughs. even painful ones.
farmer's markets
goddess oracle cards
incense
having just enough to get by
futureme.org
8.08.2009
the split
self #1...ferociously protective of my space, time and energy, she is the warrior with the perpetually present blade. it is also perpetually sheathed, because she knows the one insolent enough to warrant seeing it will almost surely face elimination. this blade can take many forms...
she knows precisely when enough is enough. her eyes gleam with a razor sharp wit, and curses roll off her tongue like pillow talk--sometimes in anger, sometimes just because she likes the feel of them in her mouth.
she always knows exactly who and what is worth her time, and isn't shy about letting folks know when they've overstayed their welcome. but to those who respect her boundaries and her power, she is the most loyal friend/lover/supporter you could ever hope to have.
...i've come to think of her as my wild woman, my leo moon made flesh. she is the ever-purifying fire of change, evolution. the queen on her throne whose pleasure comes before all else.
self #2...sweetest thing this side of honeycombs and sugar cane. patient. it would be unfair to call her long-suffering, but her pain threshold is high enough to make her appear as though she is.
unwavering in love, her mantra is 1 corinthians, 13:1-10. she devotes herself fully to her beloved, willing to do anything to please him once she knows her feelings are returned.
she will endure long nights alone with a smile, strengthened by the hope that it will pay off in the end. love songs and gossamer dreams are more than enough to feed her when he's away.
time, her dreams, her sorrows...love makes them all irrelevant. her beloved is all she needs.
...this is my piscean sun, the source of my compassion and kindness. the self-sacrificial, spirit-loving priestess, focused on love and light.
the mediator: my overworked libra ascendant.
currently on the table (again): my relationship.
wild woman is ready to kick him to the curb. she's muttering that he's energy-draining dead weight, too neglectful, too much to learn. sure, he's fundamentally a good guy, but there are dreams languishing on the back burner. she's itching to start in on a complete life overhaul. if he can fit himself in the scheme of things, fine, but out of sight means out of mind, and she's starting to forget how she wound up in this mess in the first place.
of course, the mermaid isn't ready to let go. she's tied her coral heartstrings to him, so she's compelled to wait by the seashore, devoted as ever. she sees the roots of his flaws and wants to see him triumph over a painful past, no matter how long it takes. of course his ignorance and missteps pain her. she misses him when he's gone. but familiarity and comfort override all that--besides, if she cries a few tears, who'll notice? she's already sitting in the ocean...
the argument is draining all of me dry...
she knows precisely when enough is enough. her eyes gleam with a razor sharp wit, and curses roll off her tongue like pillow talk--sometimes in anger, sometimes just because she likes the feel of them in her mouth.
she always knows exactly who and what is worth her time, and isn't shy about letting folks know when they've overstayed their welcome. but to those who respect her boundaries and her power, she is the most loyal friend/lover/supporter you could ever hope to have.
...i've come to think of her as my wild woman, my leo moon made flesh. she is the ever-purifying fire of change, evolution. the queen on her throne whose pleasure comes before all else.
self #2...sweetest thing this side of honeycombs and sugar cane. patient. it would be unfair to call her long-suffering, but her pain threshold is high enough to make her appear as though she is.
unwavering in love, her mantra is 1 corinthians, 13:1-10. she devotes herself fully to her beloved, willing to do anything to please him once she knows her feelings are returned.
she will endure long nights alone with a smile, strengthened by the hope that it will pay off in the end. love songs and gossamer dreams are more than enough to feed her when he's away.
time, her dreams, her sorrows...love makes them all irrelevant. her beloved is all she needs.
...this is my piscean sun, the source of my compassion and kindness. the self-sacrificial, spirit-loving priestess, focused on love and light.
the mediator: my overworked libra ascendant.
currently on the table (again): my relationship.
wild woman is ready to kick him to the curb. she's muttering that he's energy-draining dead weight, too neglectful, too much to learn. sure, he's fundamentally a good guy, but there are dreams languishing on the back burner. she's itching to start in on a complete life overhaul. if he can fit himself in the scheme of things, fine, but out of sight means out of mind, and she's starting to forget how she wound up in this mess in the first place.
of course, the mermaid isn't ready to let go. she's tied her coral heartstrings to him, so she's compelled to wait by the seashore, devoted as ever. she sees the roots of his flaws and wants to see him triumph over a painful past, no matter how long it takes. of course his ignorance and missteps pain her. she misses him when he's gone. but familiarity and comfort override all that--besides, if she cries a few tears, who'll notice? she's already sitting in the ocean...
the argument is draining all of me dry...
8.07.2009
anatomy of a pity party
some days it doesn't pay to be smart.
or patient.
some weeks feel like months.
some hours feel like days.
sometimes life is just...life. in all its frustrating, sloppy, all-over-the-place mess.
i don't feel like being righteous, or practical, or anything like that.
i'm just giving in...
if i'm due for another underworld trip, might as well make it a good one.
or patient.
some weeks feel like months.
some hours feel like days.
sometimes life is just...life. in all its frustrating, sloppy, all-over-the-place mess.
i don't feel like being righteous, or practical, or anything like that.
i'm just giving in...
if i'm due for another underworld trip, might as well make it a good one.
8.04.2009
in fourteen hundred & ninety two...
so, apparently columbus set off on his first voyage yesterday?
maybe that's why i've been feeling jacked up...
517 years later. hm.
folks can be cute if they wanna, but i'd say spain owes a whole lot of the world a huge damned apology.
maybe that's why i've been feeling jacked up...
517 years later. hm.
folks can be cute if they wanna, but i'd say spain owes a whole lot of the world a huge damned apology.
8.02.2009
vodou child
in the new orleans airport, i found voodoo dreams by jewell parker-rhodes. although it was published over a decade ago, i'd never heard of it.
after a few pages, i was reading it as if it were going to float out of my hands at any moment.
a few days ago, i purchased the sequel, voodoo season. i've started it, but haven't had time to make too much of a dent.
i am intrigued by parker-rhodes' intimate familiarity with the lwa damballah and the various manifestations of spiritual sensitivity. i hadn't seen so much of myself in a book since octavia butler's parable of the sower.
the fictionalized marie laveau felt like a past life; her great-great granddaughter, marie levant, holds parts of my present one. i'm sure it was no mistake that she renamed the heroine levant, "rising", to counter the earlier la veau--the (nearly sacrificial) calf.
also compelling is levant's connection to her unknown-to-her ancestry. since i began revering my ancestors, i've come to intuit that i come from a long line of priestesses and wise women--african, native american, and european.
understanding that, i realized that i am not as unusual as i believed myself to be.
but i have no proof.
that's probably an advantage to families that stayed in the south: they remained closer to the spirits of the ancestors, the fields they worked, the stories of roots women and hoodoo men.
as much as i love my concrete, i need those stories now.
after a few pages, i was reading it as if it were going to float out of my hands at any moment.
a few days ago, i purchased the sequel, voodoo season. i've started it, but haven't had time to make too much of a dent.
i am intrigued by parker-rhodes' intimate familiarity with the lwa damballah and the various manifestations of spiritual sensitivity. i hadn't seen so much of myself in a book since octavia butler's parable of the sower.
the fictionalized marie laveau felt like a past life; her great-great granddaughter, marie levant, holds parts of my present one. i'm sure it was no mistake that she renamed the heroine levant, "rising", to counter the earlier la veau--the (nearly sacrificial) calf.
also compelling is levant's connection to her unknown-to-her ancestry. since i began revering my ancestors, i've come to intuit that i come from a long line of priestesses and wise women--african, native american, and european.
understanding that, i realized that i am not as unusual as i believed myself to be.
but i have no proof.
that's probably an advantage to families that stayed in the south: they remained closer to the spirits of the ancestors, the fields they worked, the stories of roots women and hoodoo men.
as much as i love my concrete, i need those stories now.
7.24.2009
dream #1292905
i dreamt of a serpent last night.
lately my serpent-dreams have been filled with apprehension and fear. i often feel overwhelmed by the snakes, and i wind up trying to hide them, avoid bites, and keep them from growing. as a teenager, i often dreamt of walking with snakes literally covering my feet, and i was comforted by them--so this newer set of dreams bothered me greatly.
but last night, i simply carried the snake with me, wrapped around my wrist. it appeared to be something between a garter snake and a ball python, and was very sweet. occasionally it would "bite" me, but it was more like the love-nips you get from a cat than an attack. when i woke up, i could still feel the energy of the serpent lingering along my wrist and hands...
i'm grateful for the vision--i'm sure it is a step towards reconciliation with my unconscious mind and a fullness of self.
lately my serpent-dreams have been filled with apprehension and fear. i often feel overwhelmed by the snakes, and i wind up trying to hide them, avoid bites, and keep them from growing. as a teenager, i often dreamt of walking with snakes literally covering my feet, and i was comforted by them--so this newer set of dreams bothered me greatly.
but last night, i simply carried the snake with me, wrapped around my wrist. it appeared to be something between a garter snake and a ball python, and was very sweet. occasionally it would "bite" me, but it was more like the love-nips you get from a cat than an attack. when i woke up, i could still feel the energy of the serpent lingering along my wrist and hands...
i'm grateful for the vision--i'm sure it is a step towards reconciliation with my unconscious mind and a fullness of self.
7.18.2009
bad dreams & beautiful mornings
i had really bad dreams last night.
i may be in one of those phases where i can't watch any old thing before bed, or something gets disturbed. eastern promises wasn't any worse than many things i've seen, but sometimes i don't know what will set me off.
i think the moonstone i've been wearing has opened my perceptions and intuition. i'm probably more of a sponge than usual.
i miss new orleans...
the cramps are starting...
and i have to spend the next 90 min or so slogging through the mass of hair on my head--which is why i should have been up 2 hours ago and probably never should have gotten on this computer. you know, no matter what i do to it, it still takes me forever to deal with it. always has...
oh well. might as well start the day.
i may be in one of those phases where i can't watch any old thing before bed, or something gets disturbed. eastern promises wasn't any worse than many things i've seen, but sometimes i don't know what will set me off.
i think the moonstone i've been wearing has opened my perceptions and intuition. i'm probably more of a sponge than usual.
i miss new orleans...
the cramps are starting...
and i have to spend the next 90 min or so slogging through the mass of hair on my head--which is why i should have been up 2 hours ago and probably never should have gotten on this computer. you know, no matter what i do to it, it still takes me forever to deal with it. always has...
oh well. might as well start the day.
7.17.2009
obama's naacp speech
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
i agree with you, mr. president.
but i would love for you to say more about the kids who don't have that mother, grandmother, or anyone to push them, because that's really what makes the difference--and why many of these kids fall through the cracks. even you didn't avoid all the trouble out there (bless you for refusing the "holier than thou" angle).
poverty and lack of opportunity can be overcome, most definitely. ultimately, children growing up in families with appropriate priorites who just happen to be poor are the ones most likely to have stories like yours & judge sotomayor's.
but the larger the cracks in the foundation, the bleaker the prospects become. that's not an excuse, it is simply a reality.
all sorts of abuse, drug addiction, familial dysfunction and a pervasive gutting of human dignity also contribute to our children's demise.
what of those whose poverty has been ground into their bones? what about how the psychology of poverty manifests in a capitalist society?
what of those who messed up and got caught? will we begin to reconsider the treatment of addicts and our drug policy? have you considered true prison reform so that those who have served their time can move on with their lives?
...i'm hoping those are the questions behind the "institutional" problems you noted, and things your administration plans to evaluate, at least on some level.
i appreciate the naacp as much as the next sista, but i am also keenly aware that their concerns, battles, and mentality have focused on the middle class and talented tenth segments of our community than those entrenched in the 'hood.*
to put it another way, i have no problem with this speech, but it feels like preaching to the choir.
now, the father's day bbq felt a little different. can we get more of that? thanks.
*i realize that dubois let go of some of that stuff in his later years, but--as is typical in western, either/or discourse--the damage was done as soon as the catchphrase had caught on. you were in or you were out, period. bourgie black folks reveled while the masses shrugged. more reason to remain separate, to stunt collaboration.
**also see racewire's commentary on the naacp's 100th birthday.
7.11.2009
i can show you better than i can tell you...
i should have known it would be easy to fall in love in a place like this.
vintage everything...
truths wrapped in myths wrapped in mysteries...
good times and debauchery
juxtaposed with sheer architectural beauty...
the pleasures & pains of the ancestors*
and the cultural triumphs of their descendants
please trust me when i say i will return. within hours of my arrival, new orleans found her way to my heart and made herself at home.
*the current site of the omni new orleans hotel used to be known as the st. louis exchange hotel. slaves were sold there. the second photo is a detail of congo square.
vintage everything...
truths wrapped in myths wrapped in mysteries...
good times and debauchery
juxtaposed with sheer architectural beauty...
the pleasures & pains of the ancestors*
and the cultural triumphs of their descendants
please trust me when i say i will return. within hours of my arrival, new orleans found her way to my heart and made herself at home.
*the current site of the omni new orleans hotel used to be known as the st. louis exchange hotel. slaves were sold there. the second photo is a detail of congo square.
7.02.2009
another random posting...
last night was restless...forgettable dreams, visitations, headaches...
i feel like i'm seeing through a sort of veil, so i'm not sure what to take from it all. it feels like i've been handed a great deal of information, and i'm still trying to process it.
was introduced to a series by dr. jewel pookrum yesterday that proved to be very interesting. a lot of what she said was common sense, although i know to many it might seem far fetched and "impossible". however, if you've done any study of the chakras/meridians or done any in-depth traditional spiritual work, you'll probably see how it all comes together.
y'all know i don't repeat stuff unless it feels true, so i'll just pass that on and leave you to draw your own conclusions.
oh, and it looks like i'll be going to artomatic tonight, which makes me happy.
those are my random thoughts for the day. hopefully i'll return with something a little more cohesive over the weekend...
i feel like i'm seeing through a sort of veil, so i'm not sure what to take from it all. it feels like i've been handed a great deal of information, and i'm still trying to process it.
was introduced to a series by dr. jewel pookrum yesterday that proved to be very interesting. a lot of what she said was common sense, although i know to many it might seem far fetched and "impossible". however, if you've done any study of the chakras/meridians or done any in-depth traditional spiritual work, you'll probably see how it all comes together.
y'all know i don't repeat stuff unless it feels true, so i'll just pass that on and leave you to draw your own conclusions.
oh, and it looks like i'll be going to artomatic tonight, which makes me happy.
those are my random thoughts for the day. hopefully i'll return with something a little more cohesive over the weekend...
6.30.2009
blending
the indomitable erzulie dantor has introduced herself to me...
considering some prior goddess card readings, i'm inclined to believe that she has emerged as the shadowy sister of my bright, sweet oshun self.
and i have been instructed to embrace the shadow.
looking back, i wonder if she manifested in the fierce self preservation and healing anger i experienced as a teenager.
i can see she's reminding me that i possess claws and teeth, that i can fight for what i want--a thing i know but can be very uncomfortable with.
she doesn't care about my nervousness. rather, that seems to drive her ambition to turn me into a skilled, fearless blade-handler.
as she stares me down, i realize that i can calm her, appease--but not subdue.
avek tout respe, maman. ayibobo!
6.29.2009
eh.
something's wrong...maybe a lot's wrong.
i don't really know how or when or why, but i can see that i really want a lot of things to change.
and i'm wondering how any of those changes are going to get made with no money and little time.
i know there's a way...
i just have to get my intentions down
leap over all the "no you can'ts"
and make it happen.
easier said than done some days...
i don't really know how or when or why, but i can see that i really want a lot of things to change.
and i'm wondering how any of those changes are going to get made with no money and little time.
i know there's a way...
i just have to get my intentions down
leap over all the "no you can'ts"
and make it happen.
easier said than done some days...
6.26.2009
why michael was special
you need to be just the right age for someone like michael jackson to make an indelible imprint on your life. for those of us who are now 30-35 or so, we were at that age.
yesterday evening, many of us finally understood why our parents were so shattered over the death of marvin gaye; why the world wept when john lennon was shot.
he was our first crush. the first star we wanted to BE. some of our parents deemed us too young to go to his concerts, so we were forced to watch with envy as big brothers, sisters and cousins got to go instead. we couldn't wait for the next awards show, the next new video.
he was our big star. the first black face on mtv.
the little girl inside me who remembers kissing his face each day because she just knew he knew how much she loved him, who kept her "beat it" jacket and shirt long after they no longer fit, is distraught.
and she's ready to walk out with him.
as for the controversies, we have all seen what even modest stardom can do to children. michael was one of the consummate child stars of the last few decades--only he didn't fade into obscurity when he hit adolescence. having to live out nearly all your insecurities, flaws and growth as a human being under the spotlight can lead to irrevocable psychological, spiritual--and apparently even physical--change. most of us will never know what that's like.
and the accusations? i think his development was arrested in childhood (or a sort of mourning for childhood) for a long time. being around children helped him capture something he'd lost forever. but i do not think he was a pedophile. i believe he put himself in situations that could have suggested it, and that was his downfall.
if you want to see a textbook pedophile, watch this film. if that were michael's m.o., that trial wouldn't have broken him down. he'd have brushed his shoulders off and kept it moving. he was the super-rich, untouchable megastar after all...
instead, i think those things forced him to grow up--something he may or may not have been ready to do.
those who'd been paying attention knew we'd lost him long ago. some of us began mourning him then. the "wacko jacko" headlines weren't chuckle-worthy, they were pitiful.
on that level, his passing simply indicates that he is finally at peace.
ultimately, my gut tells me he was a good man who died of a broken heart. and now the world's heart is broken.
long live the king.
addendum: jay smooth on MJ
yesterday evening, many of us finally understood why our parents were so shattered over the death of marvin gaye; why the world wept when john lennon was shot.
he was our first crush. the first star we wanted to BE. some of our parents deemed us too young to go to his concerts, so we were forced to watch with envy as big brothers, sisters and cousins got to go instead. we couldn't wait for the next awards show, the next new video.
he was our big star. the first black face on mtv.
the little girl inside me who remembers kissing his face each day because she just knew he knew how much she loved him, who kept her "beat it" jacket and shirt long after they no longer fit, is distraught.
and she's ready to walk out with him.
as for the controversies, we have all seen what even modest stardom can do to children. michael was one of the consummate child stars of the last few decades--only he didn't fade into obscurity when he hit adolescence. having to live out nearly all your insecurities, flaws and growth as a human being under the spotlight can lead to irrevocable psychological, spiritual--and apparently even physical--change. most of us will never know what that's like.
and the accusations? i think his development was arrested in childhood (or a sort of mourning for childhood) for a long time. being around children helped him capture something he'd lost forever. but i do not think he was a pedophile. i believe he put himself in situations that could have suggested it, and that was his downfall.
if you want to see a textbook pedophile, watch this film. if that were michael's m.o., that trial wouldn't have broken him down. he'd have brushed his shoulders off and kept it moving. he was the super-rich, untouchable megastar after all...
instead, i think those things forced him to grow up--something he may or may not have been ready to do.
those who'd been paying attention knew we'd lost him long ago. some of us began mourning him then. the "wacko jacko" headlines weren't chuckle-worthy, they were pitiful.
on that level, his passing simply indicates that he is finally at peace.
ultimately, my gut tells me he was a good man who died of a broken heart. and now the world's heart is broken.
long live the king.
addendum: jay smooth on MJ
6.25.2009
iba ara t'orun
because he was only 9 years younger than my mother.
because i stood on an air conditioner just to kiss his picture every day.
because i had a "beat it" jacket.
because "thriller" was one of the first records i got that was my very own. not my parents', but mine.
because i loved him.
because we loved him.
rest well, michael.
6.23.2009
her name was mattie
...my maternal great-great grandmother.
i saw a picture of mama mattie over the weekend and i've been thinking about it ever since.
she looked like pictures i've seen of jamaican maroons and sojourner truth. of harriet tubman and delia.
no one in my family looks like her now, although my aunt, her children and one of her granddaughters have milk-to-dark chocolate skin tones.
she was also one of the last in my mother's line to have many children:
gussie (my great grandmother)
clayton
leslie
emma todd
bubba (bertha)
madeline
now i'm wondering what her parents looked like, what kinds of stories they told.
did they know about their last african ancestor?
did she know about herbs and spells? dreaming? divination?
what did she look like at my age?
and on and on...
and then i thought, i probably never would have known her name if i hadn't asked my mother about her when i started on this path.
the practice of calling on my ancestors made it necessary to clear up the relationships behind the names i heard bantered around in family stories.
for many of us, this is when the pain of the maafa arises, since to many this information is lost. but it is also the power in returning to the veneration of our ancestors.
even if we do not know their names at first, when we call, they come and tell us. they can help us heal relationships with other family members, guide our steps and offer countless blessings.
iba egungun idile mi
ase
i saw a picture of mama mattie over the weekend and i've been thinking about it ever since.
she looked like pictures i've seen of jamaican maroons and sojourner truth. of harriet tubman and delia.
no one in my family looks like her now, although my aunt, her children and one of her granddaughters have milk-to-dark chocolate skin tones.
she was also one of the last in my mother's line to have many children:
gussie (my great grandmother)
clayton
leslie
emma todd
bubba (bertha)
madeline
now i'm wondering what her parents looked like, what kinds of stories they told.
did they know about their last african ancestor?
did she know about herbs and spells? dreaming? divination?
what did she look like at my age?
and on and on...
and then i thought, i probably never would have known her name if i hadn't asked my mother about her when i started on this path.
the practice of calling on my ancestors made it necessary to clear up the relationships behind the names i heard bantered around in family stories.
for many of us, this is when the pain of the maafa arises, since to many this information is lost. but it is also the power in returning to the veneration of our ancestors.
even if we do not know their names at first, when we call, they come and tell us. they can help us heal relationships with other family members, guide our steps and offer countless blessings.
iba egungun idile mi
ase
6.19.2009
princesas
it's been quite awhile since i've seen a movie that broke my heart.
princesas made me think of many things...not the least of which were the issues surrounding sex work, the women who do it, and the myriad dangers they face.
i would try to deal with this on the sexy blog, but it's entirely too raw and too personal.
it may sound positively insane to some of you, but i can very deeply recall a time when this work was not stigmatized or demonized. it was a part of life, and it was protected. sacred.
i, and possibly many in my family line, did this work.
now it is a vehicle for depravity and desperation--not because these are "bad" or "fallen" women, but because balance and wholeness are not valued states of being in this culture.
who can sell prozac and narcotics to balanced, whole people?*
as i watched the story unfold, all i could think was, it shouldn't be this way. it didn't have to be this way.
i am thankful that i have learned and remember that lesson and came into this life with a different purpose. the temples are long gone, and it could have been deadly.
i think the same thing when i see real whores on the streets.
it shouldn't be this way. it didn't have to be this way.
and...
it could have been me.
*i had some issues with this film, but it did make an interesting point (blink and you'll miss it...) about the advantages to controlling people's thoughts/feelings around sex/sexuality.
princesas made me think of many things...not the least of which were the issues surrounding sex work, the women who do it, and the myriad dangers they face.
i would try to deal with this on the sexy blog, but it's entirely too raw and too personal.
it may sound positively insane to some of you, but i can very deeply recall a time when this work was not stigmatized or demonized. it was a part of life, and it was protected. sacred.
i, and possibly many in my family line, did this work.
now it is a vehicle for depravity and desperation--not because these are "bad" or "fallen" women, but because balance and wholeness are not valued states of being in this culture.
who can sell prozac and narcotics to balanced, whole people?*
as i watched the story unfold, all i could think was, it shouldn't be this way. it didn't have to be this way.
i am thankful that i have learned and remember that lesson and came into this life with a different purpose. the temples are long gone, and it could have been deadly.
i think the same thing when i see real whores on the streets.
it shouldn't be this way. it didn't have to be this way.
and...
it could have been me.
*i had some issues with this film, but it did make an interesting point (blink and you'll miss it...) about the advantages to controlling people's thoughts/feelings around sex/sexuality.
6.18.2009
today, i was reminded of many things...
be mindful of when you are taking on the battles of others--consciously or unconsciously, in the temporal or spiritual realms--and know when to let go.
the simple miracle that is a candle.
our access to guidance and blessings is unlimited--we only need to ask and remain open to the answers.
salt is good. for everything.
there are countless spirits waiting for incarnation. which, in turn, makes me wonder about how many babies are being born and how some of these more restless ones are only sticking around for 15, 17, or 21 years or so...
the beauty of a refreshed altar.
the simple miracle that is a candle.
our access to guidance and blessings is unlimited--we only need to ask and remain open to the answers.
salt is good. for everything.
there are countless spirits waiting for incarnation. which, in turn, makes me wonder about how many babies are being born and how some of these more restless ones are only sticking around for 15, 17, or 21 years or so...
the beauty of a refreshed altar.
6.15.2009
love (of money) and marriage
i drove to work today and, as usual, listened to a morning show which, as many do, contained a prank call segment.
premise: fiancee takes her ring in to be resized and appraised. hubby-to-be knows about the resizing, but not the appraisal. fair enough, i guess.
prank: "jeweler" calls fiancee and tells her that the ring is a cubic zirconia, "order now for $19.99!"-type deal and is only worth about $50.
result: fiancee proceeds to lose her shit, including a 3-way call to hubby-to-be to have the "jeweler" tell him what he's found, with hilarious results.
...but after a few laughs, i was just disturbed.
fiancee was all hyped up about how much her father was spending on the wedding and how, somehow, she couldn't be marrying the "man of her dreams" with a $50 ring on her finger--not with "all the money my man makes" and so on and so forth.
not to mention that instead of thinking, "damn, maybe my man got hustled..."--which would have been my first thought--you proceed to cuss him out before you find out the whole story?
to his credit, he stayed pretty calm until the very end of the call, and not once did he react to his fiancee with the same fury she threw at him.
i hope "for richer or poorer" ain't in those vows, 'cause something tells me if homegirl got that stressed over the cost of her (possibly all kinds of conflicted) diamond, it could be a wrap if dude loses that well-paying gig.
i acknowledge that my analysis is showing, but her whole reaction spoke volumes about the ways women are taught to value themselves and their relationships in a materialistic culture. i wish them the best, but...
premise: fiancee takes her ring in to be resized and appraised. hubby-to-be knows about the resizing, but not the appraisal. fair enough, i guess.
prank: "jeweler" calls fiancee and tells her that the ring is a cubic zirconia, "order now for $19.99!"-type deal and is only worth about $50.
result: fiancee proceeds to lose her shit, including a 3-way call to hubby-to-be to have the "jeweler" tell him what he's found, with hilarious results.
...but after a few laughs, i was just disturbed.
fiancee was all hyped up about how much her father was spending on the wedding and how, somehow, she couldn't be marrying the "man of her dreams" with a $50 ring on her finger--not with "all the money my man makes" and so on and so forth.
not to mention that instead of thinking, "damn, maybe my man got hustled..."--which would have been my first thought--you proceed to cuss him out before you find out the whole story?
to his credit, he stayed pretty calm until the very end of the call, and not once did he react to his fiancee with the same fury she threw at him.
i hope "for richer or poorer" ain't in those vows, 'cause something tells me if homegirl got that stressed over the cost of her (possibly all kinds of conflicted) diamond, it could be a wrap if dude loses that well-paying gig.
i acknowledge that my analysis is showing, but her whole reaction spoke volumes about the ways women are taught to value themselves and their relationships in a materialistic culture. i wish them the best, but...
6.14.2009
the work continues...
did a little more with the project today...
it's tiring. i got through the first journal in one sitting. only made it about halfway this time.
this one recounts some of the worst stuff: start of therapy, budding sexuality, high school boyfriend uncertainty, pain processing and healing...
one interesting, reemerging theme: the nagging feeling that the proverbial "something" is inside me just dying to get out.
maybe in the course of this work, i'll be able to finally name that "something".
it's tiring. i got through the first journal in one sitting. only made it about halfway this time.
this one recounts some of the worst stuff: start of therapy, budding sexuality, high school boyfriend uncertainty, pain processing and healing...
one interesting, reemerging theme: the nagging feeling that the proverbial "something" is inside me just dying to get out.
maybe in the course of this work, i'll be able to finally name that "something".
6.13.2009
sango & ogun
In Africa Ogun's color is pure red. Then we have Sango whose colors are red and white. The color for Obatala is white. We can see a pattern emerging here. Red represents virility, vitality, aggression. Red and white represents balance between aggression and compassion. White represents the incarnation of mystical unity.
Should any of you be plagued with notions that these three Orisa are enemies, or that they don't get along, know this is a common misconception. These Orisa represent a continuation of one cycle. The difference between Ogun, Sango and Obatala is like the difference between rain water, fresh water and salt water. They are different at some point, but they bleed into each other.
In some places in Nigeria Ogun and Sango are seen as loving brothers not enemies. You can see why. Sango is fire. What is fire in relationship to iron? Fire tempers iron and makes it stronger. That is not a hostile relationship. It is a symbiotic mutually beneficial relationship. As a Force in Nature it represents an important fusion of energy with no hostile implication.
~originally written by Awo Falokun Fatunmbi
the meeting of fire and iron is symbiotic and chaotic.
beneficial, but dangerous in human hands.
osun's cool, fresh throne doesn't always intervene. some days, we are those warring brothers...
but, in the end, we always wind up forging something new.
6.11.2009
some notes for white supremacists
in memory of dr. george tiller, the peruvian earth warriors, ken saro-wiwa, the navajo and hopi of black rock mesa, my egun, and all those who have suffered at the hands of the insanity that is the white man's burden, whatever its manifestation.
do not be angry at us because the schemes and plans of your ancestors failed to exterminate those you find "undesirable".
it is not our fault the lies you've cultivated are crashing down around you.
the sooner you realize that those in positions powerful enough to affect the course of the world--who looked like you, not me, and who trumpeted your values, not ours--are the ones who exported us around the globe in an effort to make their lives easier; created the artificial borders; and forced you to die in their wars then abandoned you, the sooner you'll understand our enemy is a common one.
i admit that i am a fan of whitefolks getting their shit together before they come talk to us. thanks to the inordinate privilege built up over the 500 years since columbus sailed the ocean blue, it won't get better until you talk to one another and get the story straight.
because you won't believe us. you never have--well, maybe when we were the only people who could roundly educate you (remember kemet? timbuktu?). but not since. these days, you generally behave like genius-level--but wholly ungrateful--pupils.
please understand: you cannot stop the return to sanity and balance. the universe always rights itself. you could dilute, but not suppress, our bloodlines, languages, spirits and cultures.
the truth is slow, but dependable. it's time for new paradigms.
i apologize for the cognitive dissonance this must cause, but you will, quite simply, have to deal with it.
hating us won't help. globally speaking, there are more folks who look like us, and we're beginning to realize how illusory the world you've built around, over, and through us is.
denial won't help either. technology only continues to upset your deceptions and confirm our truths.
let go.
it's ok.
really.
do not be angry at us because the schemes and plans of your ancestors failed to exterminate those you find "undesirable".
it is not our fault the lies you've cultivated are crashing down around you.
the sooner you realize that those in positions powerful enough to affect the course of the world--who looked like you, not me, and who trumpeted your values, not ours--are the ones who exported us around the globe in an effort to make their lives easier; created the artificial borders; and forced you to die in their wars then abandoned you, the sooner you'll understand our enemy is a common one.
i admit that i am a fan of whitefolks getting their shit together before they come talk to us. thanks to the inordinate privilege built up over the 500 years since columbus sailed the ocean blue, it won't get better until you talk to one another and get the story straight.
because you won't believe us. you never have--well, maybe when we were the only people who could roundly educate you (remember kemet? timbuktu?). but not since. these days, you generally behave like genius-level--but wholly ungrateful--pupils.
please understand: you cannot stop the return to sanity and balance. the universe always rights itself. you could dilute, but not suppress, our bloodlines, languages, spirits and cultures.
the truth is slow, but dependable. it's time for new paradigms.
i apologize for the cognitive dissonance this must cause, but you will, quite simply, have to deal with it.
hating us won't help. globally speaking, there are more folks who look like us, and we're beginning to realize how illusory the world you've built around, over, and through us is.
denial won't help either. technology only continues to upset your deceptions and confirm our truths.
let go.
it's ok.
really.
can't stop, won't stop
i'm not the only one calling out the foolishness.
people, we have got to pool our resources in order to protect our stories, our sacred places and things, and our culture. if we don't, it will be co-opted or erased in the great sea of eurocentric universalism.
people, we have got to pool our resources in order to protect our stories, our sacred places and things, and our culture. if we don't, it will be co-opted or erased in the great sea of eurocentric universalism.
6.07.2009
5.29.2009
it isn't about marriage. seriously.
thinking about the marriage equality issue again...
frankly, it's time to reframe the argument.
every article i see on the topic seems to be progressively devolving into nitpicky, almost juvenile squabbling. when that happens, you have to wonder: what are people really angry about?
if you can agree that marriage is, essentially, a familial contract, it's obvious that these contracts provide very specific bureaucratic privileges which can also tie into a certain amount of class privilege*.
contracts aren't about gender or religion, they're simply contracts, right? so any two consenting adults should have the right to enter into said contract.
to be fair, everyone--heterosexual or otherwise--involved in these contracts should be calling them civil unions. 'cause that's what they are.
let's not forget that the church doesn't marry you. the preacherman's (or woman) power is invested by the state, even if you don't have the marriage ceremony at the courthouse.
i have not heard one person argue that churches/spiritual orgs should change their practices, and if i did, i would call him/her an idiot. from a religious standpoint, marriage can most certainly be defined as a covenant between a man and a woman. i may not agree with you, but we can coexist. that's cool.
can you see how, when you start sifting through the messy details, marriage begins to emerge as something else entirely?
in my humble opinion, it is beginning to seem that the institution of marriage defined as a heterosexual relationship between one man and one woman may be one of the last tangible vestiges of the "america is and always has been a christian nation" myth.
when many of these state constitutions and statutes were being written, the myth was accepted as fact by the rich, white, (presumably) heterosexual males who wrote them.
furthermore, there are many people in the mainstream culture (which is already feeling threatened) who cannot abide the debunking of this myth.
maybe, on a very visceral level, folks are mad because the collective consciousness that does not subscribe to the western european, patriarchal context will not go away. understandably, those who are fully invested in that context--by birth or acculturation--are fighting to hold it up in all its oppressive, abusive, insanity-creating glory.
listen. many sane people have been trying to break this to you for years, but apparently it still has not sunken in. let me reiterate:
while the first europeans to step on what is now called american soil may have been fundamentalist protestants and catholics, many of the colored people who were subdued, captured and otherwise oppressed by those "founders" lied to you. they feigned adoption of your god in order to ensure their survival.
the indigenous people of this land were not christian.
the west africans who came over on the slave ships were not christian. it took generations--in the colonies as well as in the caribbean--to even nominally stamp out the memory of those traditions, and they were still never fully eradicated.
and so on.
to you, the great melting pot is a proud accomplishment. to many of us "others", it is a euphemism for cultural erasure.
as wade davis said, "other cultures are not failed attempts at being you. they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." i would venture that that statement applies to human sexuality as well.
again i ask: what are we really arguing about?
*marriage, for many upper and middle class folks (or those aspiring to the middle/upper class) equals legitimacy. our society further acknowledges the legitimacy of this contract with all the benefits mentioned above. simply put, married people are special. if you make them less special in any way--since us little folks in a big, capitalist world so rarely come to understand our true worth beyond these kinds of benefits--it's a threat. see how that works? part of how they distract us & turn us against one another...
frankly, it's time to reframe the argument.
every article i see on the topic seems to be progressively devolving into nitpicky, almost juvenile squabbling. when that happens, you have to wonder: what are people really angry about?
if you can agree that marriage is, essentially, a familial contract, it's obvious that these contracts provide very specific bureaucratic privileges which can also tie into a certain amount of class privilege*.
contracts aren't about gender or religion, they're simply contracts, right? so any two consenting adults should have the right to enter into said contract.
to be fair, everyone--heterosexual or otherwise--involved in these contracts should be calling them civil unions. 'cause that's what they are.
let's not forget that the church doesn't marry you. the preacherman's (or woman) power is invested by the state, even if you don't have the marriage ceremony at the courthouse.
i have not heard one person argue that churches/spiritual orgs should change their practices, and if i did, i would call him/her an idiot. from a religious standpoint, marriage can most certainly be defined as a covenant between a man and a woman. i may not agree with you, but we can coexist. that's cool.
can you see how, when you start sifting through the messy details, marriage begins to emerge as something else entirely?
in my humble opinion, it is beginning to seem that the institution of marriage defined as a heterosexual relationship between one man and one woman may be one of the last tangible vestiges of the "america is and always has been a christian nation" myth.
when many of these state constitutions and statutes were being written, the myth was accepted as fact by the rich, white, (presumably) heterosexual males who wrote them.
furthermore, there are many people in the mainstream culture (which is already feeling threatened) who cannot abide the debunking of this myth.
maybe, on a very visceral level, folks are mad because the collective consciousness that does not subscribe to the western european, patriarchal context will not go away. understandably, those who are fully invested in that context--by birth or acculturation--are fighting to hold it up in all its oppressive, abusive, insanity-creating glory.
listen. many sane people have been trying to break this to you for years, but apparently it still has not sunken in. let me reiterate:
while the first europeans to step on what is now called american soil may have been fundamentalist protestants and catholics, many of the colored people who were subdued, captured and otherwise oppressed by those "founders" lied to you. they feigned adoption of your god in order to ensure their survival.
the indigenous people of this land were not christian.
the west africans who came over on the slave ships were not christian. it took generations--in the colonies as well as in the caribbean--to even nominally stamp out the memory of those traditions, and they were still never fully eradicated.
and so on.
to you, the great melting pot is a proud accomplishment. to many of us "others", it is a euphemism for cultural erasure.
as wade davis said, "other cultures are not failed attempts at being you. they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." i would venture that that statement applies to human sexuality as well.
again i ask: what are we really arguing about?
*marriage, for many upper and middle class folks (or those aspiring to the middle/upper class) equals legitimacy. our society further acknowledges the legitimacy of this contract with all the benefits mentioned above. simply put, married people are special. if you make them less special in any way--since us little folks in a big, capitalist world so rarely come to understand our true worth beyond these kinds of benefits--it's a threat. see how that works? part of how they distract us & turn us against one another...
5.28.2009
encounter
hello again...
i saw you today,
but you didn't see me.
it's just as well...
knowing this is an affair of the aura
doesn't ease the ache in my chest
or kill the inclination to bury my face in your neck
and go wherever you're going.
to some part of me,
you are walking honey,
a living offering;
i want you
for my altar
to keep the spirits close.
...your smile can do that, you know.
but that wouldn't be fair,
would it?
i saw you today,
but you didn't see me.
it's just as well...
knowing this is an affair of the aura
doesn't ease the ache in my chest
or kill the inclination to bury my face in your neck
and go wherever you're going.
to some part of me,
you are walking honey,
a living offering;
i want you
for my altar
to keep the spirits close.
...your smile can do that, you know.
but that wouldn't be fair,
would it?
5.26.2009
required reading
read this.
it's less than 30 pages.
DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT $200
just go and read this, right now.
then allow yourself to at least think about what it says.
you can thank me later.
it's less than 30 pages.
DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT $200
just go and read this, right now.
then allow yourself to at least think about what it says.
you can thank me later.
5.21.2009
next.
i'm thinking of something.
it's going to require me to dig. really, really dig.
i know i'm being vague, but it's not quite time for details yet.
i log these things here because it gives me a benchmark & allows me to recall when a notion crystallized.
so...it's coming.
it's going to require me to dig. really, really dig.
i know i'm being vague, but it's not quite time for details yet.
i log these things here because it gives me a benchmark & allows me to recall when a notion crystallized.
so...it's coming.
an open letter to president obama
president obama,
first, please allow me to congratulate you. your victory has ennobled and inspired more people--both here and around the world--than you can know.
that said, i am writing to express my respectful disagreement with your decision to not release photographs of potential victims of abuse in iraq.
unlike mr. wise, i hesitate to call the release "needless" and, far from agreeing with your decision, feel the need to challenge it.
war, by definition, is an unsafe practice. the only thing that would make our troops and iraqi civilians safe(r) is if they were not fighting a war. the attitudes of mr. wise and others who would agree with him put american lives above iraqi lives, giving both sides the potential to mistake highly visible minorities (our worst soldiers, their fundamentalist militants) for representatives of entire nations full of diverse people, opinions, and beliefs.
mr. president, if we are not fighting dirty, we have nothing to hide. if we are, then the people have a right to know what these soldiers feel they need to do--or are being ordered or pressured to do--in order to "win". as a student of history, i'm sure you know that abu ghraibs are rarely isolated incidents in wartime, they are simply the ones that give the others a name.
we cannot uphold life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness within our own borders, then go abroad and behave in a manner diametrically opposed to that principle.
i'm also not sure who told mr. wise that we had a "bond of trust" with the iraqi people. in more isolated areas where fighting has been rare, that may have been and still might be true. but i've listened to enough independent news sources to know that many iraqis have been wary of us from the beginning, and whatever trust we engendered was eroded when we began to act as any other occupying nation would.
the war itself has given propagandists all they need to demonize america. if a set of pictures that will likely come out anyway could be a tipping point--both here and abroad--then we need to examine why we're doing what we're doing, and what our actions say about the discrepancy between this nation's ideals and its reality. whenever we engage in war, the people should be fully informed of the cost of that war, especially when the peculiar grace of geography and technology do not allow us to observe it up close.
you have already shown far more tact and intelligence than your predecessor; for that, i and many others are grateful. indeed, your outspokenness about the prison at guantanamo bay is laudable. but this war was a mistake from the beginning, and many people knew it. it is time to stop the lies and the obfuscation of the truth, admit our mistakes, and do whatever we can to bring our troops home.
once again, thank you, mr. president, for all you are doing. in the future i hope that i will be able to silently praise and commend your efforts far more often than i am urged to be demonstratively disappointed by them.
sincerely,
omi
p.s. - i am the daughter of a vietnam vet who is still dealing with many of the physical and emotional consequences of that war. my grandfather passed on still bearing scars from his time in the second world war. i sincerely hope that mr. wise and anyone else who claims to be on the side of military families does not simply follow orders as they're given, but also seeks to repair the very broken VA system, reduce the number of military suicides, and work for peace to keep our troops from unnecessary harm.
first, please allow me to congratulate you. your victory has ennobled and inspired more people--both here and around the world--than you can know.
that said, i am writing to express my respectful disagreement with your decision to not release photographs of potential victims of abuse in iraq.
unlike mr. wise, i hesitate to call the release "needless" and, far from agreeing with your decision, feel the need to challenge it.
war, by definition, is an unsafe practice. the only thing that would make our troops and iraqi civilians safe(r) is if they were not fighting a war. the attitudes of mr. wise and others who would agree with him put american lives above iraqi lives, giving both sides the potential to mistake highly visible minorities (our worst soldiers, their fundamentalist militants) for representatives of entire nations full of diverse people, opinions, and beliefs.
mr. president, if we are not fighting dirty, we have nothing to hide. if we are, then the people have a right to know what these soldiers feel they need to do--or are being ordered or pressured to do--in order to "win". as a student of history, i'm sure you know that abu ghraibs are rarely isolated incidents in wartime, they are simply the ones that give the others a name.
we cannot uphold life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness within our own borders, then go abroad and behave in a manner diametrically opposed to that principle.
i'm also not sure who told mr. wise that we had a "bond of trust" with the iraqi people. in more isolated areas where fighting has been rare, that may have been and still might be true. but i've listened to enough independent news sources to know that many iraqis have been wary of us from the beginning, and whatever trust we engendered was eroded when we began to act as any other occupying nation would.
the war itself has given propagandists all they need to demonize america. if a set of pictures that will likely come out anyway could be a tipping point--both here and abroad--then we need to examine why we're doing what we're doing, and what our actions say about the discrepancy between this nation's ideals and its reality. whenever we engage in war, the people should be fully informed of the cost of that war, especially when the peculiar grace of geography and technology do not allow us to observe it up close.
you have already shown far more tact and intelligence than your predecessor; for that, i and many others are grateful. indeed, your outspokenness about the prison at guantanamo bay is laudable. but this war was a mistake from the beginning, and many people knew it. it is time to stop the lies and the obfuscation of the truth, admit our mistakes, and do whatever we can to bring our troops home.
once again, thank you, mr. president, for all you are doing. in the future i hope that i will be able to silently praise and commend your efforts far more often than i am urged to be demonstratively disappointed by them.
sincerely,
omi
p.s. - i am the daughter of a vietnam vet who is still dealing with many of the physical and emotional consequences of that war. my grandfather passed on still bearing scars from his time in the second world war. i sincerely hope that mr. wise and anyone else who claims to be on the side of military families does not simply follow orders as they're given, but also seeks to repair the very broken VA system, reduce the number of military suicides, and work for peace to keep our troops from unnecessary harm.
5.18.2009
thought of the morning...
lately my dreams center around being very vocal and standing up for myself, particularly in situations where i would normally remove myself instead of making waves.
i seem to be forming stronger opinions as well. i wouldn't say rigidity is setting in, but there is a sense that i have developed a good footing around the reasons i think and feel the ways i do, and i am less willing to bend and compromise to fit into a world that seems increasingly dysfunctional--or, at best, resistant to evolution.
i seem to be forming stronger opinions as well. i wouldn't say rigidity is setting in, but there is a sense that i have developed a good footing around the reasons i think and feel the ways i do, and i am less willing to bend and compromise to fit into a world that seems increasingly dysfunctional--or, at best, resistant to evolution.
5.15.2009
you can take the people outta africa... (part 4: the reasoning)
(in case you missed it: part 1, part 2, part 3)
this project is not meant to be insulting or flippant about the charismatic black church, but to encourage understanding and highlight a deeply rooted connection.
as erykah said, when we were brought here, we had to change some things. part of that was behaving as if we worshiped the white gods when we didn't. however, as with most forced acculturation, some folks wound up completely rejecting the old ways.
that doesn't change the fact that "catching the spirit" or being "filled with the ghost" is intimately related to traditional african expressions of spirituality and spirit contact.
over 10,000 years of wisdom and culture could not be erased in a few centuries, and it is still resisting erasure. this is in our blood, and it doesn't go away simply because we get baptized in the name of yeshua instead of having a lave tet.
finally, i hope that my christian brothers and sisters begin to do some serious, in-depth research and come to understand the truth of what is being honored and called upon before dismissively referring to traditional spirituality as "devilish" or demonic.
as far as i'm concerned, the most demonic thing someone can do is convince you to deny the gifts of your ancestry when you see the proof every time you look in the mirror.
this project is not meant to be insulting or flippant about the charismatic black church, but to encourage understanding and highlight a deeply rooted connection.
as erykah said, when we were brought here, we had to change some things. part of that was behaving as if we worshiped the white gods when we didn't. however, as with most forced acculturation, some folks wound up completely rejecting the old ways.
that doesn't change the fact that "catching the spirit" or being "filled with the ghost" is intimately related to traditional african expressions of spirituality and spirit contact.
over 10,000 years of wisdom and culture could not be erased in a few centuries, and it is still resisting erasure. this is in our blood, and it doesn't go away simply because we get baptized in the name of yeshua instead of having a lave tet.
finally, i hope that my christian brothers and sisters begin to do some serious, in-depth research and come to understand the truth of what is being honored and called upon before dismissively referring to traditional spirituality as "devilish" or demonic.
as far as i'm concerned, the most demonic thing someone can do is convince you to deny the gifts of your ancestry when you see the proof every time you look in the mirror.
5.14.2009
to paraphrase some of my older family members:
this is some white folks' shit.
how do we know? well...the ifa oracle is a binary system. african fractals were purposefully used before any white man knew what to call them. tales about the serpent and the rainbow weren't just pretty stories, they helped explain dna.
physicists ain't tellin us shit we didn't already know.
too much reason can blind you...
how do we know? well...the ifa oracle is a binary system. african fractals were purposefully used before any white man knew what to call them. tales about the serpent and the rainbow weren't just pretty stories, they helped explain dna.
physicists ain't tellin us shit we didn't already know.
too much reason can blind you...
5.13.2009
you can take the people outta africa... (part 3)
laying hands
more twirling/shouting
folks laid out on the floor...
and in case you need a comparison:
'nuff said.
more twirling/shouting
folks laid out on the floor...
and in case you need a comparison:
'nuff said.
the dropout
i'm not a michael baisden fan, but i happened to tune in yesterday evening and he was talking about the astronomical drop out rate of black students.
in baltimore, there's a general feeling that one of the best things about reaching the age of 16 is that the truant officers can't make you go to school anymore.
so what's happening here?
many folks who can remember segregation and the civil rights era are quick to frame this as "laziness" or "ingratitude", but i reject that analysis.
for generations, high school was enough. you could graduate, get a good factory or government job, and go from there. the bottom fell out with the exodus of industry, but many folks' mentalities stayed the same.*
and there are other factors. the first crack babies are reaching their 20s**. for some, teen pregnancy is in its 2nd or 3rd generation--meaning mothers in their teens, grandmothers in their 30s and great grandmothers in their 40s-50s. granny and big mama's wisdom has succumbed to stroke, breast cancer, diabetes and stress. many of us do not have the access to our histories--familial and cultural--that our elders did.
other cultural institutions have eroded, too. the activist preachers of 30 plus years ago have given way to today's megachurch pimpin' preachers. not that we didn't have them in the pulpit long before now, but pushing for the revolution--in spirit and/or deed--is the exception, not the rule.
black children today are immersed in a culture of apathy, disconnected from themselves, their families (due to stressful work schedules, financial hardship...) and their spirits.
they see the real world early and up close. abstract notions of what will be "good for them later" do not make sense; they know tomorrow isn't promised.
they know education is not a guaranteed way out because they see their mothers and fathers struggling to hold on to the jobs their college degrees guaranteed them 20 years ago. they may not know the name horatio alger, but they know his stories are lies.
they know college is a far off dream, even for some of the best and brightest of them. for those that do get that far, retention is an issue.
to keep these kids in school, a few things will probably have to happen:
we were not lazy or ungrateful, and neither are these kids. they probably just don't see how school makes sense. in the midst of a crumbling economy, skyrocketing debt, and mind-numbing, cube farm jobs that are killing their parents, i can't say i blame them.
the old school lines don't hold weight. it's time for a new paradigm.
*although you can argue the differences between the values of bourgeois black folks and their unsophisticated country (or urban hoodlum) cousins.
**admittedly, there are some nature/nurture issues here, but talk to any black teacher in an urban school and they'll tell you the signs. in addition, lead poisoning and other environmental racism issues that disproportionately affect blk folks and other poor people of color can also lead to educational difficulties.
***while ignoring this and this plus all the labor it takes to run both. that's not coming outta harvard. it's coming out of the streets.
in baltimore, there's a general feeling that one of the best things about reaching the age of 16 is that the truant officers can't make you go to school anymore.
so what's happening here?
many folks who can remember segregation and the civil rights era are quick to frame this as "laziness" or "ingratitude", but i reject that analysis.
for generations, high school was enough. you could graduate, get a good factory or government job, and go from there. the bottom fell out with the exodus of industry, but many folks' mentalities stayed the same.*
and there are other factors. the first crack babies are reaching their 20s**. for some, teen pregnancy is in its 2nd or 3rd generation--meaning mothers in their teens, grandmothers in their 30s and great grandmothers in their 40s-50s. granny and big mama's wisdom has succumbed to stroke, breast cancer, diabetes and stress. many of us do not have the access to our histories--familial and cultural--that our elders did.
other cultural institutions have eroded, too. the activist preachers of 30 plus years ago have given way to today's megachurch pimpin' preachers. not that we didn't have them in the pulpit long before now, but pushing for the revolution--in spirit and/or deed--is the exception, not the rule.
black children today are immersed in a culture of apathy, disconnected from themselves, their families (due to stressful work schedules, financial hardship...) and their spirits.
they see the real world early and up close. abstract notions of what will be "good for them later" do not make sense; they know tomorrow isn't promised.
they know education is not a guaranteed way out because they see their mothers and fathers struggling to hold on to the jobs their college degrees guaranteed them 20 years ago. they may not know the name horatio alger, but they know his stories are lies.
they know college is a far off dream, even for some of the best and brightest of them. for those that do get that far, retention is an issue.
to keep these kids in school, a few things will probably have to happen:
- real world relevance. it might be time to do away with textbooks as much as humanly possible. use real world situations. discover teachable moments in their neighborhoods, with people who look like them--and get them out of those neighborhoods, too. highlight various careers and map clear, concrete strategies on how to achieve those goals--from artistic endeavors to engineering and computer science.
- emphasize financial literacy/economics. urban kids are well aware of how money works and how the lack of it affects them. there is plenty of business acumen in the 'hood. tap into it. every elementary school should have that project where they get interest-bearing checking accounts and balance their checkbooks. teach them about credit cards so they're not bamboozled when they get to college and see all those fancy giveaway tables. use articles like this and this to explode myths about money in the entertainment/sporting industries.
- community schools. if you're saying, "this is the parents' job...", consider this: the u.s. runs on a system whereby only the most privileged of parents can take time out from their job(s) to fully raise their children in the ways that would mold them into the productive citizens everyone claims to want***, and they hire nannies and boarding schools to do it for them. so, we can either (a) have all childbearing stop immediately except in, say, the top earning 10-15% of households, (b) give parents liberal family leave and adequate vacation/sick time, or (c) put it in the schools. readily available social workers, psychologists/psychiatrists, community leaders, and (multi)culturally competent teachers are essential. thankfully, these schools are popping up everywhere--and they include help and resources for parents.
we were not lazy or ungrateful, and neither are these kids. they probably just don't see how school makes sense. in the midst of a crumbling economy, skyrocketing debt, and mind-numbing, cube farm jobs that are killing their parents, i can't say i blame them.
the old school lines don't hold weight. it's time for a new paradigm.
*although you can argue the differences between the values of bourgeois black folks and their unsophisticated country (or urban hoodlum) cousins.
**admittedly, there are some nature/nurture issues here, but talk to any black teacher in an urban school and they'll tell you the signs. in addition, lead poisoning and other environmental racism issues that disproportionately affect blk folks and other poor people of color can also lead to educational difficulties.
***while ignoring this and this plus all the labor it takes to run both. that's not coming outta harvard. it's coming out of the streets.
5.12.2009
what he said.
gay marriage & the black community
addendum: it got QUITE krunk in the comments section, and i started talking to someone who went so far off base i think s/he left the ballpark. don't you just love when people start responding to you on a message board and act like they know your whole life story/ideology/thought process? ay yi yi.
this is why, often, i just write my own blog about something i see on the interwebs and leave the commenting to the flame warriors.
addendum: it got QUITE krunk in the comments section, and i started talking to someone who went so far off base i think s/he left the ballpark. don't you just love when people start responding to you on a message board and act like they know your whole life story/ideology/thought process? ay yi yi.
this is why, often, i just write my own blog about something i see on the interwebs and leave the commenting to the flame warriors.
5.11.2009
for the kids...
although there are times when i think about motherhood and wonder if i'll have children, i also realize that i do not have a driving desire to be a mother*.
it seems that many women realize that desire relatively early on. i enjoyed my baby dolls like any other girl, but i liked dressing them up and sitting them on a shelf just as much as i liked combing their hair and carrying them around. my true companion was a stuffed dog named ralphie--probably a nod to my early attachment and exposure to animals.
the toys i played with most were boys' action figures, other stuffed animals and legos. i had one good barbie doll and a couple of auxiliary ones. loved my atari, lite brite** and easy bake oven.
when i think about what i wrote in my diaries--which i started keeping in about 2nd or 3rd grade--i wanted a boyfriend, but not necessarily babies. again, like a lot of other girls, i named my daughters (it was always a daughter...i almost never thought of sons...) aloud, but on the pages, i wondered about what i was going to do with my life, tried to make sense of the world.
maybe that's why i took to barbie more so than the babies--i wanted to be grown up like her, be on my own and drive a car.
these days i'm almost grateful that i don't feel driven to motherhood. given some conversations i've (over)heard/had and even some of my own mother's comments, i sometimes wonder if that drive causes some women overlook a lot of bullshit.
if i see the bullshit, i don't wanna procreate.
on the other hand, we all come here to learn lessons and to evolve, and parenting/partnering are perfectly valid ways to do both.
to each her own.
*i do have strong maternal instincts, however, i've always been guided by instinct and intuition, so limiting those feelings to maternity alone is misleading. i also realize that my socialization focused mainly on culture and identity rather than strict gender roles, which probably allowed me to name/claim those feelings in various ways.
**used the wikipedia entry instead of hasbro.com 'cause of the old school photo. my lite brite looked like that. i don't really dig the new ones.
it seems that many women realize that desire relatively early on. i enjoyed my baby dolls like any other girl, but i liked dressing them up and sitting them on a shelf just as much as i liked combing their hair and carrying them around. my true companion was a stuffed dog named ralphie--probably a nod to my early attachment and exposure to animals.
the toys i played with most were boys' action figures, other stuffed animals and legos. i had one good barbie doll and a couple of auxiliary ones. loved my atari, lite brite** and easy bake oven.
when i think about what i wrote in my diaries--which i started keeping in about 2nd or 3rd grade--i wanted a boyfriend, but not necessarily babies. again, like a lot of other girls, i named my daughters (it was always a daughter...i almost never thought of sons...) aloud, but on the pages, i wondered about what i was going to do with my life, tried to make sense of the world.
maybe that's why i took to barbie more so than the babies--i wanted to be grown up like her, be on my own and drive a car.
these days i'm almost grateful that i don't feel driven to motherhood. given some conversations i've (over)heard/had and even some of my own mother's comments, i sometimes wonder if that drive causes some women overlook a lot of bullshit.
if i see the bullshit, i don't wanna procreate.
on the other hand, we all come here to learn lessons and to evolve, and parenting/partnering are perfectly valid ways to do both.
to each her own.
*i do have strong maternal instincts, however, i've always been guided by instinct and intuition, so limiting those feelings to maternity alone is misleading. i also realize that my socialization focused mainly on culture and identity rather than strict gender roles, which probably allowed me to name/claim those feelings in various ways.
**used the wikipedia entry instead of hasbro.com 'cause of the old school photo. my lite brite looked like that. i don't really dig the new ones.
5.07.2009
south bronx / the south south bronx
cocoa bread sweet, quick tongued jamerican boy with pretty brown skin and soft, black locs...
you met us through a mutual friend, and soon you were hanging out in our dorm rooms and buying us liquor before we could get it ourselves. we invaded your off campus apartment, giggling and tipsy from cheap vodka and hours of dancing.
you asked me to twist your hair when you couldn't get home to your sister. when i said i didn't know how, you told me the skill was in my blood. you leaned back between my knees as i dipped my fingers into the sticky beeswax and spread it over your new growth.
you were right after all...
we always flirted, cuddled and played, making everyone wonder. it took some time before we actually tried each other out--you had friends and i had friends...
but, one night when i was alone and feeling a little less than innocent, i got you to skip a friend's housewarming to keep me company. the rest was history.
we made a pact to never let our play get in the way of our friendship. and it didn't.
i remember your mary jane and tea in the mornings and that pretty mouth at night. when he broke my heart, you took me in and held me through my tears.
after we were all done with school, you came for a visit...then i never heard from you again. by then, my locs were just past my shoulders, yours nearly to your waist.
years later my mother found the picture of us you took for your photography class: you with much shorter hair, me with much straighter hair. you sitting straight up on the sofa, me reclined against your chest. our arms intertwined, complexion contrast enhanced by the black and white film.
it sits in my living room still.
(SW: if by any chance you read this, please get in touch...i pray you're well & think of you often. hope you got the hell outta boston. i miss you & our friendship.)
(addendum, 2.2011 - found him. *smile*. happily married with 2 cute kids.)
you met us through a mutual friend, and soon you were hanging out in our dorm rooms and buying us liquor before we could get it ourselves. we invaded your off campus apartment, giggling and tipsy from cheap vodka and hours of dancing.
you asked me to twist your hair when you couldn't get home to your sister. when i said i didn't know how, you told me the skill was in my blood. you leaned back between my knees as i dipped my fingers into the sticky beeswax and spread it over your new growth.
you were right after all...
we always flirted, cuddled and played, making everyone wonder. it took some time before we actually tried each other out--you had friends and i had friends...
but, one night when i was alone and feeling a little less than innocent, i got you to skip a friend's housewarming to keep me company. the rest was history.
we made a pact to never let our play get in the way of our friendship. and it didn't.
i remember your mary jane and tea in the mornings and that pretty mouth at night. when he broke my heart, you took me in and held me through my tears.
after we were all done with school, you came for a visit...then i never heard from you again. by then, my locs were just past my shoulders, yours nearly to your waist.
years later my mother found the picture of us you took for your photography class: you with much shorter hair, me with much straighter hair. you sitting straight up on the sofa, me reclined against your chest. our arms intertwined, complexion contrast enhanced by the black and white film.
it sits in my living room still.
(SW: if by any chance you read this, please get in touch...i pray you're well & think of you often. hope you got the hell outta boston. i miss you & our friendship.)
(addendum, 2.2011 - found him. *smile*. happily married with 2 cute kids.)
5.05.2009
mister music
our first date was like a dream: dessert, a long walk in a hidden park. we literally talked all night, then made love at sunrise.
there were also stolen kisses between sets. the shutters in your apartment that struggled to hold back the sun. pomegranates on christmas eve.
at your place, the night usually started and ended with music. i learned the arts of the perfectly soulful lullaby and wake up call. it was fun browsing your stacked milk crates--laughing at the kitschy samples and marveling at the classics.
there was a warmth between us, but we never fell in love. never got around to commitment, arguments, misunderstandings.
but you kept on playing me records. maybe that was your way of remembering...
there were also stolen kisses between sets. the shutters in your apartment that struggled to hold back the sun. pomegranates on christmas eve.
at your place, the night usually started and ended with music. i learned the arts of the perfectly soulful lullaby and wake up call. it was fun browsing your stacked milk crates--laughing at the kitschy samples and marveling at the classics.
there was a warmth between us, but we never fell in love. never got around to commitment, arguments, misunderstandings.
but you kept on playing me records. maybe that was your way of remembering...
5.04.2009
interesting stuff...
flu satire
there are comets older than the sun.
this is why i always think that stories like lord of the rings have a bit of truth to them. theoretically, all kinds of people, societies and animals could have existed that we can only understand as "fantasy"...
there are comets older than the sun.
this is why i always think that stories like lord of the rings have a bit of truth to them. theoretically, all kinds of people, societies and animals could have existed that we can only understand as "fantasy"...
4.30.2009
on: swine flu
while i appreciate the human toll the swine flu has taken and may take over the coming weeks, it is a good reminder that we have not defeated or subdued nature, and as long as we live on this planet, we will not and should not do so.
germs are here to stay--whether we live in the richest, most technologically advanced society or the darkest slum.
death is part of life. so is illness.
yes, things have gotten better (here), but we also have to understand that there are plenty of folks across the world who are still dying in droves from things we don't even think about anymore (e.g. tb, measles, dysentery...)
but, if it worries you, here's the bottom line:
wash your hands, especially before you eat.
stay home if you're sick.
take proper precautions if your immune system is compromised.
...just like you would if a cold were going around the office. or a stomach flu.
don't allow the doomsday prophets and tamiflu pushers to warp your perspective. live your life.
oh, and you might want to google "factory farming" and "nafta flu", too.
stay well!
germs are here to stay--whether we live in the richest, most technologically advanced society or the darkest slum.
death is part of life. so is illness.
yes, things have gotten better (here), but we also have to understand that there are plenty of folks across the world who are still dying in droves from things we don't even think about anymore (e.g. tb, measles, dysentery...)
but, if it worries you, here's the bottom line:
wash your hands, especially before you eat.
stay home if you're sick.
take proper precautions if your immune system is compromised.
...just like you would if a cold were going around the office. or a stomach flu.
don't allow the doomsday prophets and tamiflu pushers to warp your perspective. live your life.
oh, and you might want to google "factory farming" and "nafta flu", too.
stay well!
4.29.2009
4.28.2009
Irmandade da Boa Morte (Sisterhood of the Good Death)
one of many reasons i need to get to bahia.
here's another site, and there's also a wikipedia article.
here's another site, and there's also a wikipedia article.
4.25.2009
you can take the people outta africa... (part 2)
ok. so i saw this:
('scuse the song's language...)
and this (would have embedded, but b. scott's fabulousness was jackin up the blogroll...), and it made me think that if you slow it down and change the lower body movements, it kinda looks like...
i'm just sayin.
('scuse the song's language...)
and this (would have embedded, but b. scott's fabulousness was jackin up the blogroll...), and it made me think that if you slow it down and change the lower body movements, it kinda looks like...
i'm just sayin.
4.19.2009
you can take the people outta africa...
my atr folks can appreciate this one. watch the woman in white.
they might be hollerin "thank ya jesus", but we know the deal...
they might be hollerin "thank ya jesus", but we know the deal...
4.17.2009
quarterlife angst
i've recently come to the conclusion that it is necessary to make my own standard, carve my own niche.
see, the land of the free is really full of illusions of freedom. true trailblazing--outside of some very narrow norms--is not encouraged or understood.
so many people are washed out imitations of something else. the energy around "compliance" is so strong that breaking away from it is painful, even if, ultimately, you feel supported.
branding is divine. everywhere there is evidence that there can only be one big anything at once, instead of a community of anythings. almost invariably, one is arbitrarily lifted above all others, shutting down the "lesser" community--even if said community is better at it or has done it longer than the chosen one.
it is the principle of "out of many, one" taken way too far.
the awakening of a need to get out from under the hive can be distressing, but it has to be possible. i don't think i was brought here just to suffocate beneath its weight.
see, the land of the free is really full of illusions of freedom. true trailblazing--outside of some very narrow norms--is not encouraged or understood.
so many people are washed out imitations of something else. the energy around "compliance" is so strong that breaking away from it is painful, even if, ultimately, you feel supported.
branding is divine. everywhere there is evidence that there can only be one big anything at once, instead of a community of anythings. almost invariably, one is arbitrarily lifted above all others, shutting down the "lesser" community--even if said community is better at it or has done it longer than the chosen one.
it is the principle of "out of many, one" taken way too far.
the awakening of a need to get out from under the hive can be distressing, but it has to be possible. i don't think i was brought here just to suffocate beneath its weight.
4.15.2009
feeling my fire
i really am not one to entertain a whole lot of bullshit.
part of it is the truth-telling that comes with my pre-moon mood mix, but i am also in the process of burning what doesn't work so that i can clear a path to what will work.
one thing i was reminded of recently: you should never make someone responsible for your fantasy of them.
meaning, if you have this preconceived image or notion of someone, you need to either (a) dispel said notions before you enter into a deeper acquaintance with the person or (b) keep your notions, but be fully prepared for disappointment in case the reality is far different.
no (self actualized) person is going to be responsible for some personality they didn't create.
life is not a romantic comedy. do not make assumptions, and when people tell you who they are, believe them.
part of it is the truth-telling that comes with my pre-moon mood mix, but i am also in the process of burning what doesn't work so that i can clear a path to what will work.
one thing i was reminded of recently: you should never make someone responsible for your fantasy of them.
meaning, if you have this preconceived image or notion of someone, you need to either (a) dispel said notions before you enter into a deeper acquaintance with the person or (b) keep your notions, but be fully prepared for disappointment in case the reality is far different.
no (self actualized) person is going to be responsible for some personality they didn't create.
life is not a romantic comedy. do not make assumptions, and when people tell you who they are, believe them.
4.13.2009
flowers
i'm starting to feel like a flower.
a flower that grew every year in the same spot for decades--maybe longer
--until they paved that spot over for a new mini mall.
but the flower's still growing.
only now, it might not have a large enough crack in the cement to break through.
or, if it does, gets trampled by mindless teenagers and families on their way in.
the wild flower is ignored, even as people remark on the planned out, precisely ordered landscaping arrangement flowers in the area.
the flower would love to re-root itself in a forest somewhere, or even the park.
but it's stuck where it is.
how does a flower like that survive?
a flower that grew every year in the same spot for decades--maybe longer
--until they paved that spot over for a new mini mall.
but the flower's still growing.
only now, it might not have a large enough crack in the cement to break through.
or, if it does, gets trampled by mindless teenagers and families on their way in.
the wild flower is ignored, even as people remark on the planned out, precisely ordered landscaping arrangement flowers in the area.
the flower would love to re-root itself in a forest somewhere, or even the park.
but it's stuck where it is.
how does a flower like that survive?
4.12.2009
random blog #52349
i was gonna do a fast, but pms hit me like a brick. plus i didn't really have the funds to prepare for it anyway. will probably have to wait until late next week.
i'm still laughing at this.
i'm avoiding prayers, although i did perfume my egun table, replace oshun's cloth, and install yemonja in the bathroom. (i'm odd that way. hush. god/dess ain't finished with me yet. *grin*)
i want another tattoo, but i'll settle for fixing the erroneous "tiger" kanji first.
the pope scares me. (benedict, not necessarily popes in general)
i'm bored & a little lonely.
i keep forgetting to schedule that mammogram. ugh.
i avoided twitter today because everybody was on a "happy easter!" kick. i didn't really know what to say to that, so...
finally, art is cool. really.
i'm still laughing at this.
i'm avoiding prayers, although i did perfume my egun table, replace oshun's cloth, and install yemonja in the bathroom. (i'm odd that way. hush. god/dess ain't finished with me yet. *grin*)
i want another tattoo, but i'll settle for fixing the erroneous "tiger" kanji first.
the pope scares me. (benedict, not necessarily popes in general)
i'm bored & a little lonely.
i keep forgetting to schedule that mammogram. ugh.
i avoided twitter today because everybody was on a "happy easter!" kick. i didn't really know what to say to that, so...
finally, art is cool. really.
4.10.2009
#8 - stop compartmentalizing. find ways to be whole and express wholeness.
hello again,
i wanted to write again to let you know that i've come to understand a few more things.
it was hard to be you. i remember that. home was fine most of the time, but outside could be a nightmare.
you were teased and tormented.
sometimes you didn't like the right boy and wouldn't let him feel on you and he called you ugly.
you didn't always know how to protect yourself.
some of the boys you liked were into your cuter, smaller friends instead. and that hurt.
you had secrets.
you were often alone.
i'm sorry about that.
i'm also sorry about hiding you away because you remind me too much of my vulnerable, sensitive true self.
i didn't realize i had so many fears. now that i do, i'm going to work on them, even though it frightens me, because i love you, and i want you to feel free enough to express yourself. i also need you to be strong enough to help me when i need you, because you have knowledge and wisdom, too.
being in a situation where you were constantly invoked had the power to silence me--even as a grownup. at first, i didn't know what was making me so uncomfortable, because the fears were buried way down deep. down there, you still needed to be accepted and loved, and you cowered in the face of anything you thought would deny you that acceptance.
but the world didn't see you. the grownup was powerful and undeniably beautiful. she could defend herself. she wasn't afraid to be smart and outspoken, but you were: raised to be a good girl whose precocious nature did not override her responsibility to be respectful and defer to her elders.
it was a good lesson because it brought me closer to you. but it also meant saying goodbye to some things, too.
so let's keep moving, ok? i'll hold your hand. i promise.
love,
o.
~~~
obviously, this was a lesson that i needed to experience/learn from in order to grow spiritually, and i would not change anything about the way i went about my 2+ years of formal practice.
however, after quite a bit of soul-searching, i've realized that this is what reverting back to a somewhat literal parent/child dynamic brought up for me.
my ideal relationship to my godparent would be that of a mother to a midwife or doula: the universe is doing the actual birthing, with my godparent as the integral, earthly representative/assistant of that process.
while accessing and overcoming the aforementioned fears is necessary, continuing in that dynamic would have been problematic. it also makes me wonder if others have experienced the same when entering the practice of the traditional african religions as new-world/diasporan adults.
here, many of us are being called to the orisa/lwa/abosom with 20, 30 and more years of knowledge, understanding, and life experience intact.
respect is paramount and most certainly due (when earned). i have much to learn, and i am humble, but i have already been raised--not only by my parents, but an involved extended family. i need the power inherent in that acknowledged, respected, and implicit.
conversely, i now realize that my inner child needs to be on stronger footing before i can choose another spiritual home. it is imperative to keep that kind of silence from descending upon me again.
i wanted to write again to let you know that i've come to understand a few more things.
it was hard to be you. i remember that. home was fine most of the time, but outside could be a nightmare.
you were teased and tormented.
sometimes you didn't like the right boy and wouldn't let him feel on you and he called you ugly.
you didn't always know how to protect yourself.
some of the boys you liked were into your cuter, smaller friends instead. and that hurt.
you had secrets.
you were often alone.
i'm sorry about that.
i'm also sorry about hiding you away because you remind me too much of my vulnerable, sensitive true self.
i didn't realize i had so many fears. now that i do, i'm going to work on them, even though it frightens me, because i love you, and i want you to feel free enough to express yourself. i also need you to be strong enough to help me when i need you, because you have knowledge and wisdom, too.
being in a situation where you were constantly invoked had the power to silence me--even as a grownup. at first, i didn't know what was making me so uncomfortable, because the fears were buried way down deep. down there, you still needed to be accepted and loved, and you cowered in the face of anything you thought would deny you that acceptance.
but the world didn't see you. the grownup was powerful and undeniably beautiful. she could defend herself. she wasn't afraid to be smart and outspoken, but you were: raised to be a good girl whose precocious nature did not override her responsibility to be respectful and defer to her elders.
it was a good lesson because it brought me closer to you. but it also meant saying goodbye to some things, too.
so let's keep moving, ok? i'll hold your hand. i promise.
love,
o.
~~~
obviously, this was a lesson that i needed to experience/learn from in order to grow spiritually, and i would not change anything about the way i went about my 2+ years of formal practice.
however, after quite a bit of soul-searching, i've realized that this is what reverting back to a somewhat literal parent/child dynamic brought up for me.
my ideal relationship to my godparent would be that of a mother to a midwife or doula: the universe is doing the actual birthing, with my godparent as the integral, earthly representative/assistant of that process.
while accessing and overcoming the aforementioned fears is necessary, continuing in that dynamic would have been problematic. it also makes me wonder if others have experienced the same when entering the practice of the traditional african religions as new-world/diasporan adults.
here, many of us are being called to the orisa/lwa/abosom with 20, 30 and more years of knowledge, understanding, and life experience intact.
respect is paramount and most certainly due (when earned). i have much to learn, and i am humble, but i have already been raised--not only by my parents, but an involved extended family. i need the power inherent in that acknowledged, respected, and implicit.
conversely, i now realize that my inner child needs to be on stronger footing before i can choose another spiritual home. it is imperative to keep that kind of silence from descending upon me again.
4.08.2009
little girl dreams
from what i can remember, as a little girl i dreamed of:
traveling to the places i read about
winning an oscar
my big house with plenty of room for everything
having a house full of animals
performing on a stage somewhere
eating what i wanted when i wanted (lol)
...but never my wedding day.
traveling to the places i read about
winning an oscar
my big house with plenty of room for everything
having a house full of animals
performing on a stage somewhere
eating what i wanted when i wanted (lol)
...but never my wedding day.
4.06.2009
what part of illegal don't you understand?
i'm digging this.
(unfortunately i can't literally "digg" it 'cause you've gotta sign up or something & i'm tired of arbitrarily signing up for crap, etc.)
i've been saying for years that america's kicking itself in the ass by refusing to properly educate its own kids simply because some of them don't look like kids we think should/need to be educated and/or are worthy of education.
...but we'll come up with all kinds of programs to get folks from elsewhere to do what we refuse to teach our young people to do. people who often take advantage of the opportunity to better themselves, then go back home.
it's really very simple: either you give everybody a true shot at the opportunity you're always going on about, or be honest and say it ain't here--unless you can pay for it.
it costs a lot more to keep someone in prison for 20-30 years than it does to provide them with a college education and/or job training. so what's the problem? who wouldn't want as many productive citizens as possible?
oh, right.
get outta line, and we'll toss you in jail with the quickness, age notwithstanding.
(unfortunately i can't literally "digg" it 'cause you've gotta sign up or something & i'm tired of arbitrarily signing up for crap, etc.)
i've been saying for years that america's kicking itself in the ass by refusing to properly educate its own kids simply because some of them don't look like kids we think should/need to be educated and/or are worthy of education.
...but we'll come up with all kinds of programs to get folks from elsewhere to do what we refuse to teach our young people to do. people who often take advantage of the opportunity to better themselves, then go back home.
it's really very simple: either you give everybody a true shot at the opportunity you're always going on about, or be honest and say it ain't here--unless you can pay for it.
it costs a lot more to keep someone in prison for 20-30 years than it does to provide them with a college education and/or job training. so what's the problem? who wouldn't want as many productive citizens as possible?
oh, right.
get outta line, and we'll toss you in jail with the quickness, age notwithstanding.
4.03.2009
pissivity (2)
i liked you. actually, i still like you.
somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.
i liked you.
then you dropped me.
i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.
i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.
(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)
the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.
this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.
i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.
on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.
i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.
so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:
somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.
i liked you.
then you dropped me.
i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.
i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.
(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)
the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.
this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.
i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.
on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.
i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.
so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:
fuck you.
i wanted to hand you a bit of heaven and you turned your back on it. that's fine; i don't need you. you only hurt yourself.
still, given my charms, it hurts that someone so beautiful and honeyed did not fall under my spell. you bruised my ego, which is only truly considerable in matters of love/loving. i don't expect to get everything i want, but i sure do get a lot of it.no one asked you for undying love or loyalty. i just wanted to share something with you, and you told me no.
there's no need to explain; no explanation would suffice. you, my little challenge, resisted the irresistible, thereby simultaneously earning my wrath and my respect. congratulations, and thanks for the lesson.
gratefully, in this (life)time, there will be no jealous fits, catfights or enraged, drunken phone calls.
still, only true worshippers are allowed in my house. curiosity seekers need not cross my threshold.
you can go the fuck away now.
4.02.2009
depletion
i felt that i should list sorely missed things that i have ceased or nearly ceased to do for myself, whether the cessation was due to money, time, stress or plain forgetfulness.
hopefully this will help to hold me accountable and snap me back into compliance. within reason, anyway.
- yoga
- full self-rubdowns with shea butter
- exfoliating showers (all you need is cornmeal, honey and a little water. make a paste with the cornmeal and honey. add water until it's spreadable. use as a scrub. you're welcome)*
- self-induced g-spot 'gasms
- splurges on jewelry/music/clothing/shoes
- lingerie for no particular reason
- more to come...
*forgot to shout out my girl dopegirlfresh for the ill homemade scrub formula.
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