skin shedding

aug. 1999


now that the dust has settled, i feel the need to flesh out this entry a little more.

i've reached a crossroads, and one of the most significant manifestations of that event has been a spiritual detour. once again, i've shed my skin, and despite the beauty of my old covering, there was no way i was going to fit back into it.



the locs, circa 2007


i sought out ifa searching for spiritual instruction/guidance and a better understanding of my destiny. i certainly found it--on several different levels. the work eventually became less daunting, and although i still had spells of personal inactivity, i always wound up being called back to it.

i know that i will return to the tradition in one form or another. it is, quite literally, in my blood. but at this point, i feel called to go deeper.

kabiyesile and yeye still walk with me, but the tarot also calls to me. i desire communion with the other goddesses that flood my consciousness.

my ancestors will continue to be my strength, and i'm sure they will lead me to new teachers when i am ready. but now is the time to commune with my deepest self--assess the growth of the last two years and determine how best to move forward.



me now


there is still releasing to do. i have not had the time or soft place for a good cry, although i know i need one.

i've smudged and cleared the spaces that have been left behind, but i have not yet rearranged things to my liking. that may take time.

still, i know i'm on the right path. i just pray that spirit continues to light my way.

writing.

bag lady

this one woke me up this morning...

there are far too many homeless people in this country, period. but the numbers in the nation's capital are simply ridiculous.

and many of them look like me.

just legalize it already.

finally, a sensible take on the michael phelps "scandal".

bottom line: everybody put in the position of hero ain't one.

furthermore, it is extraordinarily problematic to worship youth on the one hand, then be unforgiving when youth acts like itself.

legally speaking, yeah, he screwed up.

morally, though, what has he done besides show us he can swim?

he has not been entrusted with the lives of children, the financial future of hundreds, or the governance of a city, town or state.

so far, he's a kid who can swim. what are you broken hearted about?

random ramblings re: me

it's after 10am already. will probably be close to 11am by the time i publish this.

i've been up for about four hours. that's pretty blasphemous for a saturday morning, but, it seems i've been conditioned by my commute, sadly enough.

the stress caught up with me and i've been recovering. when exhausted, i typically respond in one of three ways: sinus attack, yeast infection, or uti. the third popped up this time, and of course the antibios have put me in a precarious position around the second. thankfully my sinuses have behaved. but, probiotics, cranberry juice and water are my friends and there's a pot of womb tea on the stove...

like the new paint job? it kinda reminds me of my peaches and cream barbie.

i was going to change the template altogether--i even started to put the project on wordpress--but i didn't want to lose my widgets and links and all that. plus wordpress doesn't really let you slap in outside templates and posting seemed a bit involved (i didn't have that kind of time...). so i started playing around with colors, and voila! new shit.

originally i wanted a scarlet background--lately i'm hooked on red. makes sense, given the root chakra issues--but that made my eyes angry.

today's objective is to get the house together. they're doing another round of those b.s. apartment inspections next week, and mine "might be chosen". ugh. reason #1,921,025 i'd really love to be able to buy a house.

the last time i got a tub refinishing out of it, but they also left my bathroom door off the hinges and my house smelled like a chemical plant for about three days. i had to do some hardcore smudging to deal with that. adupe o, osayin, for your gift of herbs!

now that i think about it, the neighbors probably thought i was having one hell of a party...

ok. time for breakfast and possibly a nap. seriously considering treating myself to a pedicure. at least my toes can be scarlet...

peace & love

you need to hear this.

trust me.

they're calling us back to the fold, y'all. please believe it.

big up to casamena

decisions

it occurred to me to use this quote when i realized that i had been shut down right in that moment when i had that house of cards in my hands.

i had just made a conscious decision to return to the table when that wind came calling.

years of striving, searching, shut downs and revivals--culminating in a glorious moment, then a shout that rang in my ears for days.

there were no hard feelings, but the wheels started turning and never stopped.

so now i know what i've gotta do.

“more tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.”
~st. teresa of avila

who's really queer?

i enjoy it when i can turn a pity party into something more conducive to discussion, so here goes.

so the dominant culture values monogamy and nuclear family, right? it's "good" for a man and woman to partner and have kids with clear paternity, etc. you form your unit and that's supposed to be enough. forever.

but if you're really, fully attracted to the gender opposite your own--for the sake of clarity, i'm only dealing with bio cisgender male/female dualistic gender dynamics at the moment--then wouldn't the inclination be to surround yourself with that opposite? whether you're monogamously partnered or not, wouldn't you tend to have fewer friends of your own gender?

i've always preferred the company of men, and i've always attracted male friends easier than female ones. in many cases physical intimacy never entered into it. when it did, it wasn't always a defining feature of the relationship, simply an expression of caring or some level of mutual affection/attraction that waned in its own time.

(sidebar: it'd be nice if more people could suspend their fears of sleeping with "just a friend". it can be a fantastic experience.)

now that i'm way past any sort of college social scene and entering my 30s, it becomes very difficult to meet men i can be friendly with without the fear of being misconstrued.

i realize that i'm able to blur the lines between friendship and loving fairly easily, but that others don't necessarily share that skill. learned the hard way. so, often, i find myself imposing all kinds of dams and walls just to keep things on a level that's easily understood. but that becomes exhausting, so i've simply stopped trying.

the consequence? more monotone--but clear, carefully constructed--relationships and a bit of a social shutdown. not to mention some measure of loneliness.

i miss my men.

that said, i've always been intrigued by women/men that envelop themselves with their sistafriends/boys--single or not--and wondered how attraction plays in to that.

i'm aware, to a degree, of the dynamics of women-identified-women, whether or not they happen to have sexually intimate relationships with women. however, it's interesting to me when a woman's partner seems to be one of few men they can stand, or their relationship is a convenient place to bear/raise children, but spiritually, socially, emotionally...it's all about their circle of women. same with men who find it imperative to be surrounded by their "boys" a good measure of the time.

are these varying shades of non-sexual/amorous identification part of what "queer" means?

wouldn't that make us ALL queer?*

maybe i'm just polyamorous at heart?

labels almost always suck, but when you start thinking about it, being truly "straight" seems to wind up being the outlying identification.

(sidebar 2: puts you in mind of how white european culture dominates when asian, african and other people of color make up the majority of the world. by the numbers, "pale people" should be an identifying phrase instead. how's that for a parallel...)

which brings me to another point. maybe folks are so unnerved by glbtq people because they're saying out loud what the culture wants to keep quiet--that it's really unnatural to relegate oneself to same-sex or similarly coupled friends and sexual frustration forever more.** the difference being that glbtq coupling is "wrong" since its primary goal may not be the (biological) production of people.

can't you just see all the shades of patriarchy, consumer capitalism and authoritarianism swimming underneath all this? ugly, ain't it?

what i do know, accept and love about myself is that my womanist, goddess-loving, grrrl power spirit finds some of its fullest expression in the adoration and sensual freedom i enjoy with my men.

while my political and social lenses allow me to appreciate, respect, and embody sisterhood, they do not urge me ever closer to my sisters on those emotional/spiritual/social levels i spoke of earlier--although those moments are necessary and renewing.

those eyes actually make me swoon that much more when i can rest in the arms of a strong, intelligent, secure, broad-shouldered, sensual, sweet-smelling man.

to each her own, i suppose.


*i don't mean to imply that i would appropriate that distinction, understanding the political importance of those kinds of distinctions at this juncture; i only use it to prove a point. still, it's good to understand that, in a heterogeneous culture, normality is arbitrary...

**this is NOT to support the ideology that somehow people are not meant to be monogamous, or that men cannot be "tied down", etc and so on. people should honor whatever commitments they've made to their partners and if they cannot, they should leave. deception ain't cool. but since so many people are pushed and pressured into boxes that don't fit, lies and deceit are the natural consequences.

isn't it wonderful

to finally have a real president again?

it ain't perfect, but it's a good start. kind of like a teaser trailer.

this may be obama's notice that he truly does mean to do what he says, but it will take pressure from us to make congress and everyone else fall in line.

...and, just for the record, aaron has a point. i dunno why it's so hard for folks to hear, but it's true.

stay woke, y'all.

two for one

been busy this morning...

retrograde blues

dreaming of isis

ok. i'm going back to bed. i wanna have some energy for the
tattoo convention! i'll be on the hunt for some cool t-shirts and such.

i keep telling myself i will NOT leave there with any new ink...

self love #6

dark goddess



i liked the way i looked in a particular light, plus my hair was a little wild, so i took some shots without the flash...interestingly enough, they came out with all this red tint.

...in remembrance of me

i'm over here today.

mighty convenient, ain't it?

now, you know how i feel about this mess, but i'm questioning this as well.

...Hamas officials emerging from hiding greeted each other like long-lost friends as supporters flew green Hamas flags, sang Hamas songs and set ablaze a faux coffin emblazoned with the Star of David and the words "Death to Israelis."

Not everyone was in a celebratory mood. In the Sheik Radwan neighborhood of Gaza City, Jamal Dababish stood atop the ruins of his apartment building, which was leveled by an Israeli airstrike two weeks ago. The father of five also lost the first-floor supermarket his family ran for more than two decades, and he questioned whether the Hamas-led government was up to the huge task of rebuilding.

Three days after the attack, a man who identified himself as a Hamas official showed up in the neighborhood and gave Mr. Dababish and his four brothers each $500 cash as compensation.

Hamas appeared to be trying to emulate Hezbollah, the militant Lebanese group that, after a five-week war with Israel in 2006, reportedly distributed thousands of dollars to every family that lost its house. Dababish, however, described the amount given by Hamas as paltry.

"It's not enough for anything," Dababish said, shaking his head. "I bought food and clothes for my kids. I'm waiting for someone to rebuild my home and repair my supermarket. It doesn't matter who it is."

i know hamas is financed by some other arab countries, but...eh. i dunno. we've been known to fuel both sides of a conflict, too.

i wonder if all those fistfuls of cash are coming from lebanon and iran. who are these "hamas officials", really?

hamas may have started out for/by/about the people, but is that what they still are?

who's truly fighting for the palestinian people?

um...no.

in the immortal words of failblog, FAIL.

1. speaking of race does not make you "racist". in fact, if you don't talk about it, how are you ever going to deconstruct and deal with it? 400 years of white supremacy doesn't just get swept under the rug. like any other energy, it has simply changed form. see: damali ayo.

2. this "post-racial" thing is bullshit. it has come up as some kind of feel-good guilt assuager (look! we elected obama! we're ok!), but anyone who's been doing any kind of real, healing work around racism/race knows better. see: tim wise.

so it begins...

let me be grateful...

...before i kirk out up in here. i won't even get into it. let's just say all a sista wants to do right now is bleed in peace...

parents
words
email
quick im's in the middle of busy lives
cushy beds
trader joe's
hot baths
potato chips
friends you can call anytime
cheap gas
the forgiving nature of companion animals

today's the day...

i love obama as much as the next person. i really do.

but we ain't done yet. don't think for a moment that we are.

the red black and green is still relevant. we still struggle for relevance, for dignity, for our lives, and to be beautiful.

the media still ignores us (when it's not demonizing us). the industrial prison complex is still eating us alive.

africa is in shambles. and when the mother is in decline, the family is in decline.

i went to see him when he came to baltimore, but i wasn't about to say the pledge. i'm not even sure why they started it up when they did.

i pledge allegiance to olodumare, to the spirits of my ancestors. to my family and my people. not to the flag.

not just after oscar grant had been shot like a dog.

not with adolph grimes dead.

not with this video circulating around the net.

not with palestine being bombed into oblivion.

not with 20 years and counting of black mesa's decimation.

insert your cause here.

while i can't justify the pledge of allegiance yet, i can be very, very glad that we have an intelligent, seemingly level headed black man leading this country. a man who obviously loves his wife and daughters, and one who has already brought a good level of diversity to his cabinet.

change.org is fantastic.

let's hold him to his promises and make sure he has the public mandate necessary to do the work.

thank you, jay.

don't let the door hit ya

pow, right in the kisser.

for the babies in iraq.
for the regular folks you claimed to care about, then screwed.
for sucking away reproductive & intellectual freedom.

bye bye, baby.

ramblings of a wannabe yogini

well, i went back to yoga last night after a far-too-long hiatus, and it was just as difficult a session as this one.

the twists were especially difficult. again the instructor came and pushed me to my limit a few times, and i almost cried each time. not because it hurt, but because of the tension it highlighted and/or pushed to the surface. my ujjayi breathing got pretty serious at times, but it really does carry you through.

the right side of my body was especially stiff. i kept feeling like i wasn't strong enough to hold myself up. there was a lot of trembling.

i couldn't get into corpse pose (again), either. the last pose we did was shoulder stand, which sets my root chakra on fire and makes it impossible to lie down on my lower back for several minutes.

surprisingly, one of the easiest parts of the night was the vinyasa that went from warrior II (virabhadrasana) into ardha chandrasana. typically i have issues with anything that keeps one foot in the air, but doing that kind of half-cartwheel released me from my body a bit. warrior III was also powerful.

i thought i would break down once i got home, but i didn't. no dreams of any consequence.

i'll just have to keep at it...

what they don't want you to know about mlk

he was indeed a revolutionary.

latest revelations

outgrowing a situation isn't synonymous with arrogance. everybody's got their level, and it's important to live up to yours. if your surroundings don't reflect that, it's time for change.

on a related note, "good girl" and "good student" guilt gets you nowhere. it's amazing how insidious cultural mores can be: you feel like you got rid of something, then you're hit with a situation that pushes all those buttons. in turn, you feel horrible and can't figure out why.

my comfort level with change is still in need of work. much as it fks with me, i might as well cozy up to it. stability can become stagnation if you're not careful.

i desire to come into my potential on my terms and in my time. i refuse to succumb to the notion that just 'cause i'm good at _____ i need to be doing it for the rest of my life. it's what my teachers did at school. some employers have even tried to do it. and all it's done is led me in circles.

i have a lot of tools in my hands now. i have to figure out what i truly want to build.

i am sean bell.

please go watch this video.

queen of swords

i never wanted to be that card. but it seems to keep coming up for me.

a woman who is desirable, attractive, intelligent...but distrustful. love's always nearby, but somehow doesn't work out. surrounded by children with none of her own.

the loves of my life--both of them--are ill and potentially dying.

i've made all the peace i can with that, but there are days when i honestly don't know what i'm going to do if at least one of them doesn't make it.

most of my life i've been told i'm meant for some vague something special above and beyond the basics, but sometimes all i want is to be somebody's partner, somebody's mama.

i never thought a higher purpose would mean that i'd never have someone to love when psychologically and biologically i wanted it most. that my only babies would be my journals, notebooks, blogs and the words i throw to the wind.

if you've had the experience of birthing a child, you're among the luckiest folks in the world to me right now. it's why i hate to see so many of us raising them so traumatically that they often kill each other. or grown folk blowing them to shreds (literally) without a second thought.

i'm grateful for my mind and what comes from it, but i never thought that would be all i have.

i didn't plan on being alone with these dreams.

i didn't think my heart would always be either full to bursting or on the verge of breaking.

i don't want to be the queen of swords.

but i don't know how not to be.

what's on repeat right now...

i know this feeling very, very well.

newsflash

we are all under the SAME sky,
breathing the SAME air,
created by the SAME divinity that is known by innumerable names.

and we are ALL "SAVED".

because we are all breathing that air.
created by that divinity
that we can call by those innumerable names
in innumerable ways.

anything else is a false teaching.

karma chameleon

i finally saw hancock...pretty decent. may not have paid $8 for it, but decent enough for a night in.

the history behind hancock & mary's relationship was a bit of a trigger. i suppose in my situation, though, proximity was strengthening. usually.

the spaces between love and destruction.
the true proximity of humanity to god(hood).
the immortality of love and the spirit.


(SPOILER ALERT)
(scroll past the blockquote if you're planning on seeing the film.)

(seriously.)

Mary explains that Hancock is technically her husband, explaining that they were built in twos, and that they are drawn to each other over time and great distances. When later intervening in a liquor store robbery, Hancock is shot and wounded. Visiting him at the Hospital, Mary explains that when a pair of immortals get close to each other physically, they begin to lose their powers. She also tells him that she and Hancock have been attacked as a couple many times throughout history, most recently being in an alley in Miami 80 years ago. His skull was fractured during the attack, causing amnesia. To save his life at the time, Mary deserted him, allowing him to recover from his injuries. After her explanation, the hospital is raided by the bank robber Red Parker and two other criminals that Hancock had encountered when imprisoned. Mary is shot trying to defend Hancock as he is able to stop the two men, but is further wounded in the process. When Red attempts to finish Hancock off, Ray comes to the rescue and stops the bank robber with a fire axe. With Mary dying, Hancock uses the last of his strength to flee from the hospital so that their parting would allow her to heal with her powers.

we've loved each other
healed each other
loved others
left each other
come back again...

on and on and on and on and...

nowhere to run

i watched the end of suburbia last night, and it dawned on me how white--even for 2004--the whole thing was.

first, let me say that i'm not suggesting folks of color aren't complicit in consumer culture--indeed we are.

but the deification of suburbia and the frenzy (not to mention the means) to escape urban grime were the visions of the dominant culture and those who fully assimilated into it.

suburbia may have started as a way to escape the industrial city, but after awhile it also became a way to escape black folks, the poor and other undesirables.

in some areas, black folks had their own suburbs/country houses--most notably in the south--but, by and large, we stayed in the cities. after the world wars, we'd had enough of "country living" and moved to cities quite deliberately, often with doctors and lawyers living next to janitors and teachers.

until about a generation or two ago, we could not move into the suburbs due to discriminatory housing practices. educational gaps and jim crow kept many of those good, modern jobs out of reach. many of us still cannot afford cars and rely on public transportation.

we're green by default.

so, basically, the film does a good job of summarizing the class issues, but left racism completely out. not that they had to get that deep into it, but talking about america, how we live and where we live and ignoring that element is a little odd.

the featured experts and authors were all white and male, despite the work people of color have done around environmental justice and the consequences of urban flight. i'm sure somebody was doing that in '04.

as far as the solutions presented, new urbanism (gentrification?) seems to be benefiting whiteness and pushing colored folk closer to the true "slums of the future".

i wonder, though, if the omission of racial issues was deliberate. i.e., was the presentation intended to shock the dominant culture into awareness of their role/complicity/perpetuation in this? did they feel that even touching on it would be too much of a tangent?

i don't know.

either way, this isn't meant as an indictment of some sort. what we're gonna do without oil and walmart are important issues that everyone should know about, think about, and be discovering solutions to. i'd certainly recommend watching it.

i just felt a little left out of the discussion.

on: gaza

i'm not going to say a lot. i really don't think i can.

i've always thought the state of israel was on some shaky ground, and some brief historical inquiry bore that out.

i'm not going to link to much. there are people doing extensive work on the topic.

what i would like to say is this: don't expect obama to do much.

it's not that he doesn't care, because i think he does. maybe even more so than most commanders-in-chief we've had. however, he's now at the head of the system that fuels this madness.

if something's going to be done, it's going to have to come from the people saying "no more. enough."

more youth will need to join the shministim. and they will need to be supported.

people in america will have to write letters, make calls, take to the streets.

if the public pressure is there, obama may just put the wheels in motion to get something done. but he won't be able to move an inch without it. he'll be shouted down at every turn.

even with the backing of the people, standing up to that machine could bring about the downfall that many of us feared as he campaigned and again as he won.

but this is only going to stop if the people stop it.

the israelis must open their eyes and shut down zionism.

i agree with dark daughta's initial assessment: the west's silence is being fueled by its guilt. israel's assault is being fueled by its pain.

hamas is self defense taken to its painful extreme.
does palestine even have a true army?

if there was anything holy about that land, all that bloodshed wouldn't have been allowed in the first place.

it all just needs to stop.

open your eyes just a little wider...

wandering around the interwebs, i came across an interesting take on the obama phenomenon...

while i generally agree with the author's sentiments, this comment grabbed me:

Atlalien on 02 Jan 2009 at 10:11 pm #

What frightens me the most about black folks is that the ignorant and purposeless seem to constitute the majority. Think about it. How is it that other cultures (Middle Easterners, Chinese, Koreans, ect ) have all managed to find a considerable measure of success in this country yet blacks, who’ve been here all along have not? It begs the question as to whether or not we are truly an inferior race. I’m just saying…..

sigh.

how quickly we forget that "other cultures" come here with their culture, language, religion/spirituality, etc intact--all the things that were stripped from, beaten out of and secreted from us.

they're just stopping through for the extra loot. maybe asylum or education they can't get at home. but they still bring home with them. they chose to come here. and they can go back.

to ignore the effects of our trauma is to buy into the misconception of our "inferiority". we did not choose, and we are caught between worlds.

again, that's not meant as an excuse to behave poorly. but if we're not aware, we're healing in a vacuum. that's almost as bad as not healing at all.

time is fluid. the past does matter.

there was another comment about people needing a "savior" from the times of kemet and the osiris/isis/heru story...also misconstrued. kemetian culture was built around a sociopolitical, cosmological and spiritual framework diametrically opposed to the notion of heru being a "savior" that encouraged looking without vs. within for salvation in the vein of christianity/western religion.

...which is something of a mind/spirit control technique to begin with.

but that's another story...

battle weary sexes

question: am i the only one who's starting to feel like our healing as men and womyn may need to happen (at least in part) within safe, small, same-sex spaces? that it might be awhile before we truly come together again?

it occurred to me that, in communities of color, we've stuck together under stress and duress for generations. things had to look good to "the man", regardless of whatever personal hells we lived in. we became determined to show everyone that we were ok, that our families were intact--even when that was a lie.

however, when many of those stressors eased or went away, a vacuum was created--sometimes overnight--and the spaces were filled with dysfunction.

we have survived, and we are loving and flourishing "in spite of..." every single day. there are many cycles that have been broken, abuse stopped, and ways remembered. that deserves gratitude and praise.

however, being in survival mode for generations has led to a collective trauma that is, in some ways, just coming to the surface. we forgot how to truly live and breathe in our own skin. languages broken or lost, cultural rites covered and coded beyond comprehension, we kept coming together and sticking together, only stripped of the tools, communities, and spiritual/social safety nets that could facilitate our healing.

the houses full of womyn, the prison system...these phenomenon are starting to feel like a collective return to the adolescence rites of the ancestors; a separation deemed necessary in order to grow in the knowledge that will spark full fledged adulthood.

the problem is that it's happening long after adolescence, replete with bitterness, fatigue and insanity, ensconced in a culture that only truly pays attention when you fk up. and we're still uniting to create children--whether we're staying together to raise them or not.

it's wonderful when a brotha comes to a spiritual awakening while incarcerated, 'cause we certainly know that's not the system's goal. but, presuming he wasn't wrongfully convicted, what did he have to do to get there? if he becomes a changed man but is forever locked behind the walls (or, worse, killed by the state), what does the community lose?

similarly, a house full of grannies, aunties, mamas and babies can be a haven of wisdom, beauty and strength. but it can also be a stifling prison full of ghosts, secrets and bad memories. i've seen both, and the latter is not pretty.

now, i don't say this to infer or perpetuate any gender-bias stuff or compulsory heterosexuality. we must also remember that, for many african and indigenous cultures, homophobia and erosphobia came with the european and even then was ridiculously hypocritical*. my point is, how do we become more fully, vibrantly human as individuals while collectively learning and practicing how others should be treated, particularly in love/loving?

i don't know the answer to that, although i know what's worked for me. but, if we must endure this "separation", i hope we can still be filled with love, encouragement, life and bliss in the meantime. may our children and their children know better, do better and understand better because they have been raised to avoid our missteps.

maybe the next generation will truly model reconciliation.


*aside from "god said it", i wonder if the acceptance and/or nonchalant attitudes towards same-gender relationships made the colonizers fearful that reproduction could cease, thereby drying up their labor force. keep in mind that true missionaries often became disgusted and dismayed by the officials who sent them. they quickly learned it wasn't about saving souls, it was about money. some of the more sincere ones would even "go native" and fight the power (even if they did keep trying to convert folk...).

as for the hypocrisy, i'll be here all day if i start in on the hard-wired misogyny of western european culture. women and their needs were generally ignored, so i don't really know what was thought about lesbians and other queer women. but the infallibility of the old boy network--not to mention worship of the masculine mind/ethos--made love for one's fellow man just fine as long as the proper appearances were kept up. and if you were rich and talented enough, all sorts of "eccentricities" were ignored.

it's almost 2009...

about 5 hours left in the year...

new year's is one of my favorite nights. full of fun and skin-shedding.

new year's day almost always feels completely fresh and clean...like a new baby or pristine sheets on a new bed.

2008 has been rough in some ways and wonderful in others. overall, though, the bliss outweighs the burdens. i've learned a lot about myself, committed to my bliss, loved, traveled, and grown.

i'm gonna ring in the year pretty quietly...home cooked dinner, some champagne. maybe a little tequila. hoping for mimosas in the morning.

if you read this this evening, i hope you're happy where you are. if you're going out, hopefully you won't see it until tomorrow afternoon 'cause you had such a good time. hell, i might be out partying tomorrow or saturday night myself. never know.

see y'all next year.

peace

go get you a white boy...yeah. that'll show 'em!

found two interesting videos today...

video 1
from this sista





video 2
from this sista {no audio}




obviously, there's a lot that could be said about either of these. this is a multi-layered topic within the black community, and there's no one way to discuss, handle, or delineate the issue. not to mention that the other extreme has to be put on blast as well.

my main questions are: what are the age groups involved and where are these women from? video 1 obviously featured an urban setting, but were the sistas featured raised in the suburbs and shocked by urban culture later on? not apologizing for bad behavior, just wondering.

i came of age in the 90s in what i like to call the "upper south". yes, there were always thuggish boys around, and the "mob mentality" could indeed take over, as one of the sistas on video 1 mentions. i've most certainly been catcalled, eye-fked, etc. i've gone through the baggy clothes phase.

however, we were not hearing about our peers getting beaten and killed because of a refusal to give a phone number. most boys, when you got them one on one, knew how to act.

this phenomenon speaks to a myriad of issues, not just black men* being inherently "bad" or "less than".

if you can't take that level of basic rejection, you have a problem with self esteem.

there is a problem understanding appropriate emotional response, which suggests that your emotional world is in turmoil--often the case with teenagers, but grown ass men who are still disrespectful on this level are, indeed, pretty low.

there is a problem with love. namely, a young man who would act this way has probably never really seen or experienced it in any healthy, real way.

i'm going to guess that the sistas who posted these videos are no longer teens. beatmewithanapple's reactions seem to be almost pure knee-jerk, with no real examination of what's going on behind the violence and misogyny.

i would venture to say that black american/white american dating for anyone over the age of 25 (maybe even as far as 20)** requires a level of conscious thought, awareness of historical and present socioeconomic and psychological conditions and self-awareness that a whole lot of folk do not possess. if we did, we wouldn't still be handling things like government and policy the way we do. one only needs to revisit the venom stirred up by the mccain/palin campaign to see that.

so...yes, we should protect ourselves. violence against women is a serious problem and should be stopped. immediately. everywhere.

the real men in all communities need to stand up and get in their brothers' asses. seriously.

but, honestly? we all need to go in with eyes open. heal within, then seek love. loving the "other" 'cause you're pissed at your own isn't going to get you the results you want, either.



*boys, really. anyone walking around looking like the "examples" in video 2 are probably under the age of 30 or devoted to a life of crime...which would be undesirable in any man, regardless.

**i realize that anyone younger than that has probably grown up with a different worldview and has parents from a different generation. their perspective on those matters is probably far removed from my own, so i can't really speak to it.

i greet the sun and celebrate his return...

for the first time in a looong time, i started the day with surya namaskar--the sun salutation.

i spent well over a year as a regular yogini, and i miss it. it's very, very interesting how, once attuned to it, your body doesn't forget it and will even call for it.

i have to admit: today is special. even without buying in to all the christmas gifts and "holiday cheer", there's something lovely about the vibe of the day. i suppose that all those thoughts about sweet baby jesus can't help but change the air...

whatever you do to mark the solstice and the new year, may you be blessed, enlightened, held and nurtured, and may you give those blessings freely in return.

peace, light and love,

o.

today...

i am at home.
my home.
with my chosen scents and colors, my books and my familiar.

enjoying my kitchen.
eating my food.
savoring my appetite.

i have had the day to myself.
i have slept, awakened, bathed, and prayed in ways pleasing to myself.

i am full of myself
and life
and love.

and i am happy.

the jeffersons

no, not weezy and george.

tom and sally.

did they love each other? really?

i think ms. gordon-reed does a good job of breaking it down so it can forever be broke.

get over it, whitefolk. jefferson was a product of his times.

unitarian or not, brilliant framer or not, he was still a rich white man who owned folks, and didn't think all that highly of 'em, either.

and sally, well, i suppose she did the best she could with what she had. as the last paragraphs note:

Judging Hemings’s feelings about Jefferson proves more difficult, because she exercised no legal power over him. While she did abandon her plan to stay in France and then came home to live and have children with him, Hemings may well have had second thoughts about leaving her large and intensely connected family back home. Several of their great-grandchildren explain that Hemings returned to America because Jefferson “loved her dearly,” as if that meant something to her. Upon their return, Hemings’s relatives, both enslaved and free, behaved as if Jefferson was an in-law of sorts. After he died in 1826, Hemings left Monticello with several of Jefferson’s personal items, including pairs of his glasses, an inkwell, and shoe buckles, which she gave to her children as mementos.

While marriage is generally taken as a proof of love between a given man and woman, the quality of the relationship between couples who are not married, or cannot marry because of legal restrictions, may be better than that of men and women whose unions are recognized by law.

The most that can be said is that Hemings and Jefferson lived together over many years and had seven children, four of whom lived to adulthood. Jefferson kept his promises to Hemings, and their offspring got a four-decade head start on emancipation, making the most of it by leading prosperous and stable lives. That, I think, is about as much as one can expect from love in the context of life during American slavery.

well, damn.

when you put it that way...

randomly found blog...

not nearly as pagan or queer-friendly as i'd like, but definitely a step in the right direction.

i do, however, love the comment on how christians need to do more work towards envisioning mother/father divinity.

i may elaborate on this later...

faith-leaping

it's a strange thing...i've never felt this discouraged and encouraged at the same time.

while the state of my personal economy is less than optimal--way less. in part because they keep playing games with people's utilities--i do feel like i'm on the right path.

there's evidence that what i'm dreaming up and producing has merit and worth, and i should keep at it.

attending my brother's graduation was equal parts inspiration and anxiety-producing. while i'm really not sure if i have the stomach for school, i know getting that paper is the only way i can really be taken seriously doing the work i seem to need to do.

i'm also wondering about different spiritual systems and paths and how they may need to factor into this journey. while i have no intention of abandoning the path of my ancestors, i'm also being led down several other roads--ones i haven't walked for centuries and may have difficulty retreading.

i suppose it doesn't matter; i've started anyway. the next step is to state my intention. after that, what i need will find its way to me.

happy (i guess) holidays...

for the past several years, it seems i've found myself in some state of grief near christmas, filled with spontaneous emotional releases and harsh crying jags.

i'm elated for anyone who adores this season, but all i want to do is hide under my bed til everything's over and the xmas carols stop.

wait. let me rewind a bit.

i had great holidays as a kid, so it's not about that. actually, i almost see christmas as a children's holiday that loses its charm as you get older. the one redeeming event is seeing children so enthralled with the season and its stories. i love seeing my godkids and little cousins open their presents, talk about santa, and all that.

similarly, the religious element never really held any sway. much to my mother's chagrin, a lot of church stuff simply didn't take. (sorry, mom)

but, let's be real. you're supposed to be in the christmas spirit all year 'round...just like giving thanks ain't just for thanksgiving.

so, now, entering winter means going through all sorts of spontaneous, painful releases that thankfully let up with the new year. when a lot of ppl are dealing with mid-january "post holiday blahs", i'm feeling pretty relieved/renewed because all that stuff is behind me. the ancestral energy calms down, and i have spring and a birthday to look forward to.

seems kinda backward, given the cultural "norms", but i can really hate having to be in the holiday spirit! when it just reminds me of all the family members who aren't here anymore, not to mention seeing my parents go through their own blues. my mother because of family losses--particularly missing her mother, who loved the season. she's a fan of retail therapy. apparently my father suffered a recently re-awakened, christmas-related war trauma. suffice it to say it's no wonder he chose to go to work most years.

it's also been almost a year since the miscarriage. and, considering everything that's happened since, i often wonder if that was my first and last chance at having a family of my own. but that's another story for another day.

maybe, on some level, this is the natural way of seeing the solstice and the new year? i've read about how the so-called pagans saw winter as a harbinger of darkness (sleeping sun) and reflection; a sort of hermitage that lifted in spring.

maybe my body and spirit have taken on those natural rhythms and refuse to conform to the shiny, commercialism-filled veneer that's been slathered over it all.

my german-irish blood must still have me standing in the forest with my cauldron, watching the earth go to sleep. all the african parts are confounded by winter, regardless. guess the asian and the indigenous sections are out to lunch.

so, today's lesson: if someone seems somber instead of overflowing with hall-decking joy between thanksgiving and january 1st, be patient and kind. this isn't a joyous time for everyone.

(of course, today would be our office holiday party...)

wading through the muck...

[temper tantrum]

here's that feeling again. life is just a bunch of work and drudgery. spinning my wheels.

no extra anything. scraping for every bit of joy.

friends broke, busy or far away. lots of reminders of what my life "should" look like by now. not that i care...more so that it puts me outside the circles of a lot of folks i know.

i haven't danced in years. i wouldn't even know where to go.

can't afford yoga. when i can, i don't have the time. or i'm too exhausted.

i can't remember the last time i bought a nice piece of jewelry or even some earrings. let's not even get into clothes and shoes.

can i take myself out to dinner? no. i have to make it myself. which can be fun. but a lot of times it's just a fking hassle.

movies? forget it.

i wasn't even supposed to be living alone at this point. i was supposed to have some help. i don't trust the idea of room/housemates beyond long term partners and possibly family.

i need a term for this feeling. "princess gene" came to mind, but i abhor the kind of spoiled brat connotation that word has at this point.

luxury node?

i dunno.

whatever it is, it's acting up, and i can really hate this season i'm in when it does. i should be living in the lap of damn luxury (or at least adequacy) by any means necessary.

i can really understand why some very intelligent, educated, savvy women turn to sex work. why not take the easy money and run? do what you want with your hours instead of slaving away for practically nothing.

if i can't have my dream house, can i at least get the means to make the place i have look like something? i feel like it's impossible to create the space i want.

why couldn't i have been blessed with craftier gifts people actually pay for? my mother could sew/crochet well. guess it skipped a generation. these words have gotten me nowhere...

i'd like to be able to treat myself to the salon every so often. is that too much to ask? that i not have to eek out 90 minutes i barely have to go through the stages of tackling it myself? or not have to worry about keeping it up if i just hack it all off?

to have clothes that actually fit this spontaneously shape shifting body of mine?

i'm not where i wanna be. and every time i get a glimpse of where i think i should be--and i feel like i know now more than ever--i feel like it's gonna take more money than i can manage. e.g., if i go for it, i'll only dig a deeper hole for myself and owe some other jerks a bunch of money i can barely afford to pay them now for all those failed attempts at trying to get to this elusive destination.

ugh.

guess i'll get to work...

*cries inside*

[/temper tantrum]

i'm grateful, y'all. i really, truly am. i'm just tired of the rat race.

on days like this i can get really close to feeling like my flame's gonna go out before i even have a chance to really see what it can do.

i need to reach out to folks who have made it out and ask them how.

i realize i can be bad at networking. partially because i wanna do stuff on my own. partially because i either make friends or i don't; acquaintances, forced mentorships and what have you can feel unnatural and opportunistic. i suppose that's why i never really took full advantage of the student-professor relationship in college.

...or it could have been the trauma from the culture shock. christ. that's a whole other story.

i'll just shut up now.

on: "gay" marriage

this is one of those things i thought about speaking on, but felt like it was being bandied about in so many ways in so many places, why bother?

but, lemme sum it up so it's outta my head.

your state issues your marriage license, not any church.

no license (from the state), and you're not married. plain & simple.

according to the 14th amendment of the u.s. constitution, everyone in the u.s. has equal protection under the law. this had to be added because of the (ahem) problem posed by having a bunch of free black folk around after the civil war.

therefore, if we truly have separation of church and state, as noted by another one of those pesky constitutional amendments--the first one, in fact--the issue of "gay" marriage isn't an issue at all.

any two consenting adults--whatever that means in your state--should be allowed to enter into a state-recognized contract of marriage if they so choose.

period.
end of story.

whether or not your religious/spiritual institution will perform the ceremony that joins you in the eyes of the god of your understanding is for them to decide, and very few people are arguing that.

but to the judge and the irs, it ought to all be the same.

i don't see the problem.*

thank you and good night.


*of course, i didn't even start in on all the moral/social/spiritual stuff. i decided to keep it short & sweet. in any case, i think the only way to stop this mess dead in its tracks is to remind people that we do, in fact, HAVE a constitution. that seems to have gotten lost in the sauce about 5-7 yrs ago. that document IS the law of the land, and unless and until that's changed--let's hope we haven't gone that insane--we're essentially fiddling while rome's burning. angry at gay marriage when you can't buy food or keep a house? get the fk outta here...

aids burger? word?

some folk STILL don't understand.

there are some "fags" that will break you down...



thanks to crunk & disorderly for the post.

awakening

everything seems to be clearer. it's coming together. quickly. in totally unexpected ways.

sometimes you forget you've asked, and when the answer comes, it can be disorienting.

other times, you're working in the dark. you grope, putting things together, testing them. occasionally you get a sliver of light to work by, then darkness again. but then the dawn comes and you see that you've birthed a masterpiece.

that's how this feels.

i had to see the answer to remember the question.
i've been working, but by less than candlelight. powered by faith.

but now, finally, the sun's on the horizon.
in the new light, i'm amazed by what i've put together.

maybe i can do anything after all.

i'm not abandoning this space, but as i navigate my shadow project, i'm growing into some new and different spaces and may show up less often. inspiration's taken hold.

stay tuned...

thank you for...

breakfast!
mornings @ work that feel like mornings @ home
green tea
body awareness
candles
cheap(er) gas
water
ori mi
incense
friends i can talk to on the drive home
pretty journals
love dreams

goddesspace III

long-time readers will be familiar with the evolution and incarnations of the goddesspace. it started out as a sort of eclectic, crystal-centric space devoted to the divine feminine.

phase two was lovely, but short lived. i never really took to the space, and the end of summer ushered in a strange, difficult phase.

so i started again. the initial idea was great, the execution mediocre.

just as i started to birth the space, money got tight and inspiration waned. but as i've been able to give name and form to the shifts i've been experiencing over the last few weeks, the fog lifted and i could finally give the space the time and attention it deserved (i'm sure the new moon energy didn't hurt, either)...

plenty of light, color, and quartz. triangles enhance energy.

feathers...beauty, expansion, warmth; a reminder to keep the spirit light and prepared for flight.

i'm hoping that this one will last at least as long as the first, if not longer.

self love #5

typically the "self love" posts are more about imagery than words, but inspiration led me to take some good but "too hot for blogger" shots, so i won't be going there.

but i can say that i gained a new appreciation for the ridges and ripples my lovers enjoy.

i got a view of my tummy that made me want to kiss it.

i learned that maybe i shouldn't be so critical of the slope of my breasts; they look very different from outside angles.

my thighs aren't as fat as i think they are.

twisted and turned a certain way, i am full of mountains, valleys, hills and waterfalls.

one shot put me in mind of a melting golden candle.

so, yeah. it's good to be me.

one minute

Today's Writing Prompt: Transportation
Describe your primary mode of transportation. Do you wish it was different?

these days i'm always on the commuter rail, so yeah, i wish it were different. i enjoy driving more, but...the environment. i wish i could fly or glide or sometimes i think i'd even prefer a bike. i mean, what's better than the wind in your hair? but then... the cars and the exhaust. blah. but yeah. flying would be really, really dope. definitely.

(one minute writer)

little things

getting out of bed at 11:30

pandora.com

dancing around the living room

kitchens

rose quartz salt baths

inspiration

honeyed french toast

raven's nests

hot tea

apple-cherry cider

fafinettes

river dreams

...i'm beginning to think i just needed a day all to myself. time to sleep and to dream. time to reconnect, revision, reset.

fussing with my muse (again)

i think i'm coming down with another one of those writing compulsions. but i don't know what to write about. that's when it gets particularly frustrating.

there are all these amorphous forms filling up my head. glimmers of ideas or feelings or word arrangements trying to manifest themselves, but with no clear channel for expression.

i suppose i'm the channel, but i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to do.

i can't always be taken over. i don't always have the time.

then again, i can't always shake off the impulse, either.

physically, i'm fine. i.e., i don't feel like some massive cleansing is in order.

spiritually, i'm in some kind of spin cycle.

emotionally, i'm stronger, but still a little fragile. like cooling caramel.

...and there was more, but i got distracted.

y'all have no clue how thankful i am for this five day weekend...

holy

thank you.

help me.

...the only two prayers i can say right now.

random blog #128390

it's been a weird couple of days.

time is still blurring hopelessly. it's all i can do to keep myself on task at work. i won't even speak on the house. even coworkers have expressed a general difficulty keeping focus this week.

last night i came home to a disturbed house and barely got to sleep.

the squirrels are in the kitchen walls again. i know they can't get in--and even if they did, they'd have the cat to deal with--but the scratching is maddening.

i'm back to thinking about moving, but will the money be there? probably only if i get that second job...

i have a cake to bake.
twists to redo.
a new goddaughter to see.
bills, bills, bills.
i need some water.

the snowflakes were pretty this morning...

i think i need a break. maybe run to the bank and the grocery store. i want to scrub the kitchen floor and do a quick spiritual cleanse of the whole place. burn more incense. i think i'll feel better then.

blossoming

i feel like i'm having more interesting conversations with more interesting people.

the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.

it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.

it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?

we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.

the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.

2009 is going to be a very compelling year.

the boogeyman

ok. another scary movie about the illuminati...

(with a bonus blurb on tupac!)



now, as i've said before, i'm about as much of a conspiracy theorist as any other black person in america. however:

(1) if all this illuminati stuff is not (or only partially) true, it's irresponsible to keep tossing it into the wind and

(2) if it IS true, where's the outrage? was there ever a time when we weren't "sheeple"? and, if we know less now than we used to, what changed? were there people who knew about this stuff? what happened to them? how long ago? what about in the rest of the world? are we all idiots?

and, most importantly, where are the solutions? no one ever talks about that.*

plus, it's painfully obvious that enough people don't know (or don't care) to combat these illuminati people, so aren't we all screwed anyway?

i feel the same way about 2012. if it is, in fact, the end of the world due to some cosmic catastrophe and the only way to avoid it is to get off the planet, three years can't save us. the technology's not there, and if it is, only a select few know about it anyway.**

bottom line is, i suppose i question the motives of shock jock conspiracy theorists as much as i do those of the ruling elite.

so, if you're into this sort of thing, feel free to drop me a line. maybe i'm missing something...



*zeitgeist is a notable exception. i recommend it to anyone who's interested in this kind of stuff as a far less alarmist, even handed treatment of the topic.

**personally, i agree with those who say 2012 is meant to usher in the start of a new age of humanity, i.e. spiritual, social and psychological evolution, not the "end of the world". as far as catastrophes are concerned, i'm more worried about the ones tied to global warming than anything that might happen when the planets line up. not to say a big ass comet couldn't hit the planet, but, again, what can we really do about that?

giving thanks...

no collectors calling me
self awareness
knowing when to buy a cookie for sanity's sake
rose quartz
culinary skills
fresh sheets
resourcefulness
sometimes just not giving a fk

wow...

i never thought i'd see it. i know my parents and grandparents didn't think so.

but here we are.

america got one right.

dope.

today

...is one of those days when i feel held together by gossamer fairy wings, radish beams and duct tape.

somehow i wound up leaving the house, basically only because i couldn't think of an excuse good enough to warrant not coming in to work (damned work ethic...), despite feeling like my soul was caving in.

the ancestors said they were gonna get me through the day, so i'll have to trust in that. right now, it's the only thing keeping me upright anyway.

to my rbg, fist-in-the-air, radically black family

i love y'all.
i really do.
but y'all ain't runnin shit.

i understand where you're coming from, but until we have a multiple-party system in this country that reflects the actual diversity of opinion and politics in this country, your message will not be effectively heard.

we've been falling through the cracks too long, and these days counterculture is almost a joke.

don't get me wrong; largely, i agree with you. politically, i'm about as far left as you can get without falling off the continuum. i am a practitioner of traditional african spirituality. i was raised to trust and love my people above all else. i am anti-war, anti-capitalism, and try to remain cognizant of the role of all sentient beings i share the planet with.

but i am also aware that that is not the consciousness that founded, established, and/or runs this nation. and, since it is a nation founded on a european, judeo-christian foundation, it may never be.

i believed the cia put crack into our communities and that 9/11 was a fixed game long before either conspiracy theory became popular (y'all just wait on that 9/11 one...it'll take awhile...). i never supported this mess in iraq. i know my leaders often lie to, cheat, and steal from me--whether i vote for them or not.

but when we have a chance, even if it's a small one, to show the world what more liberal, inclusive, and equitable leadership looks like, we've gotta take it. even if it means taking one for the shitstem.

i know good and hell well obama is not the messiah, and never thought he was. i don't even believe in a messiah--but that's another post.

he doesn't share my history or even my bloodlines, although, presumably, his wife may.

besides, even if he's as different as we're hoping he is--and i'm starting to think he just might be--he's not gonna be able to fix this mess in 4-8 years, 'cause it wasn't made in 4-8 years.

...but neither would mccain.

that said, there are times where you recognize the need to compromise on the macro level in order to make it easier to do what you do on the micro level.

i am not an activist, and don't claim to be. i have love for all of you who feed the community, who raise money and run education campaigns for political prisoners, who tear down this system brick by brick, and who lose life and limb to do so.

but i do see this particular election as a real chance to finally, possibly, have efforts like yours see the light of day. it's already becoming clearer to the mainstream that mobilizing the grassroots is how you truly effect change and get things done.

that's why obama pisses them off--the energy behind his campaign, ideas and platform are reminding us ALL of that fact, and it's imploding reaganomics, the bush administration's lies, and everything in between.

...just like y'all knew it would.

have you noticed that they're finally paying attention? all the misunderstandings, rumor, and innuendo going around about obama that make it painfully obvious that they don't know black folk too well, even after 400-some-odd years?

it's finally sinking in: we're here, we're not going anywhere, and neither are all the other black, brown, yellow and red people they tried to keep under the heels of their boots.

and, horror of horrors, we might even rise up and wind up running their precious, lily white, city-on-a-hill nation.

brothers & sisters, i know you don't "believe" in this thing, but by the will of the universe, we've come to live in it, and most of us are uni-lingual, monocultural products of it, no matter how much marx, fanon, diop, and marimba ani we read.

that doesn't mean it's fair.
doesn't mean it's right.
doesn't mean that our ancestors don't deserve justice.

it just means that change comes in a multitude of manifestations, and sometimes you've gotta look beyond your usual horizon.

so, even if you've never voted before, i hope you vote(d) today.

all power to the people.

with love & in freedom,

~omi~

nothin to it but to do it...

i feel like i'm in the midst of one of those challenging transitions where i need a lot of quiet.

there's a constant sense of work, strategy, maneuvering.

it's imperative that i keep my spaces clean and clear. clutter equals stress, and dirt is especially irritating.

time is precious and needs to be rationed wisely.

my body's changing again. i'm not sure how to feel about it. my mother told me once that my father's sister--whom i resemble pretty closely--suddenly started to slim down around 30, despite having at least one, if not two, of her daughters by then.

on the other hand, there are folks around me with far more pressing issues...hence, i'd feel almost silly complaining.

but...stress is stress. and i'm trying to keep mine from becoming too overwhelming.

singlehood chronicles #6

fk it.
seriously.



...and, good night.

begging for ownership? hell no. / take a negro to task? right on!

ok. so i got blasted with this song not too long ago during a random encounter with an urban radio station...

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it?

the feminist in me cringed immediately. why does a sensual relationship between two consenting adults have to involve undertones of ownership, constant power struggles, and a tax break in order to be deemed acceptable?*

my enjoyment of and/or emotional connection to a man has no bearing on whether or not he finds me desirable enough to "put a ring on it".

when i want to be monogamous, i am. when i don't, i'm not. and i'm not gonna beg a commitment from anyone who obviously is not content with lil ol' me.

so. fast forward to earlier this week when someone sent a link to this video, giving me the opportunity to listen to the song beginning to end.

it still made my feminist bones ache, but i was forced to make a confession.

she had a point.

as someone who's been in the position of feeling like a man is wasting your time and your precious divine energy by failing to make a commitment beyond sexual fidelity, it does ring true.

you don't want to see me with anyone else? don't bore the hell outta me. you want to avoid a shattered ego? make a move.

while i don't think it's a good idea to go flaunting new dude in front of old dude when his numbers are barely deleted from your SIM card, there is definitely something to be said for losing your place in line.

brothas, please note: we will not wait for you forever--despite what we might say to you when we're deeply in love--and the farther we are from, say, 18 or 21, the more we mean that.

we all know the man who's been on some, "yeah...i cheated once or twice, and i don't never call when i'm gonna be out late with the fellas and i banged up her car that one time, BUT SHE AIN'T HAVE TO LEAVE ME!!" this song is for you.

[sidenote: a recent conversation with the ex noted that brothas are, slowly but surely, stepping up 'cause, "we sense y'all are gonna take our sweet honey away." to which i replied, "GOOD."]

and, to be fair, there are the usual dangers of the wrong women making this their anthem. specifically, ones who wanna use songs like this to avoid looking in the mirror and facing their own knee-high bullshit. or the ones who just want to perpetuate unnecessary forms of drama. sistagirl, that ain't cool.

so, ms. carter, if this is truly intended to be a call for the (fully grown) sistas who've done the work and put in the time to tell their mates to step up or step off, i'm with you.

...feelin' the choreography, too. word to bob fosse.

*to be clear, i am not anti-marriage. i believe that a deep, spiritually and temporally committed union supported by family, friends and loved ones is totally possible and wondrous. i am, at heart, a serial monogamist. it is the judeo-christian institution full of "submission", "helpmeets", and other disparate notions of gender inequality, authority, and further perpetuation of the nuclear family myth/pod--in situations where that family structure is inherently dismissive of community--that pisses me off.

thoughts on the debate?

grow up, america.

honestly? i am pissed that we are even bandying about these elementary ass issues that every other industrialized, western nation has done something about or acted like fking GROWN UPS on...on paper at the very least.

we need to get on the ball, and fast. this is really not helping anybody. we're so far behind, it's not even funny.

one of the most pointed things that obama did was speak about looking 10 years down the line.

that's the energy we need, not a symbol of the breed that's dying in state and parliment houses all over the world.

thinking only about the next 4-8 years and then expecting that to garner some kind of change is ridiculous, at best.

get a grip.

vote for whoever you want to--we're not gonna get outta this mess in less than a decade (or more) anyway. may even take a generation. and i'm sure you can already guess where i'm leaning.

but we need to take a good, long look at what we're doing and what we're turning into. and if we wanna make it better, we need to start thinking like big boys and girls, not infantile automatons fueled on xenophobic fear, soundbites, and walmart goods.

playtime's over, y'all.

blessed serendipity

it's been a rough few weeks, and the sudden onset of pms isn't helping.

i was feeling kinda blah this morning when i boarded the bus. but then i looked up and saw the full moon still high in the sky. the sunrise was at my back.

i briefly acknowledged and gave thanks for the sun's rainbow sherbert display, but turned back to the moon to ask for strength.

something in the cloud pattern took me back to august when i sat on the beach with yemonja. that morning, i could also see the moon and sun together.

almost immediately, i felt blessed beyond measure. my trials are simply an ebo, and it's temporary.

i will see the other side & be just fine.

emergency gratitude list

i've been stating my needs a lot lately...probably a good time to count my blessings...

unexpected encounters
good friends
mint tea
love
my cooking skills
a body that's pretty healthy even when it's sick-ish
a cat that kills nasty, icky bugs
cheap(er) grocery stores
a working car
sick time
a comfortable bed w/ lots of pillows
being able to do laundry @ mom's house

singlehood chronicles #5

this realization is still holding strong and true...

i'm finding that i'm surrounded by love, but in a strange-bedfellow sort of way.

i am not in love. but i do have several of my needs met.

i feel adored, cherished, and loved. still, i can admit that i only have about 1/2 (good day), 1/3 (not so good day), or none (bad day) of what i really want.

as the days get shorter and colder, i know that summer exuberance will give way to my cold-weather cocoon. meeting people will be much lower on my totem pole when staying warm, soup, and new year's conjuring become priorities.

do i want to cast one more love spell before the leaves turn?
should i pack it up until spring?

eh.

i've got a lot on my mind, but i should probably lie down awhile...

earth song

yeah, i know. it's mike. and everybody's got an opinion about mike.

but still.

this is still one of the most powerful songs i've ever heard.

the video is equally stunning...the image of people trying to massage life back into the earth can still bring tears to my eyes.

lights, camera, action (breakdown pt. 2)

i've been thinking along these lines again...

all last week, before the cold grabbed me, i'd been feeling like i really needed to cry, let loose. but it's extremely difficult for me to release without a catalyst. crying often requires a logical progression of carefully controlled environmental factors.

i tricked myself into all this a long time ago. as a good little girl who didn't want to get anyone into trouble, i got exceptionally good at hiding my pain.

i had rules:

• if you must cry, only cry when you know you're utterly alone.
• if you're caught, say it's about something else.
• talk to the dolls, your angels, and god.
• breathe deeply. inhale the tears.
• in a pinch, push it all down into your stomach (note: remember not to eat for a few hours after this trick)

all that sort of thing.

not only did i get good at hiding my feelings from other people, i became proficient at hiding them from myself. i learned that it could be hard to hide the tears when i couldn't stop the ugly thoughts rushing through my mind. sometimes i had to get up early. or stay up late. i didn't have time.

mostly, i just put my fingers in my ears and refused to listen. and more of that stomach-pushing.

occasionally i took it out on a boyfriend or lover, or cloaked it in a dream like haze to take the edge off. the most benign option: find a way to fictionalize it and write it out.

these were my survival tactics and, as such, have been difficult to relinquish.

the very idea of letting go, showing weakness--even when i'm alone--can terrify me.

some part of me is stuck in time, holding back that huge dam of black water that threatens to overtake and kill me if i let it out.

but i know better.
the water's been drained, purified, redirected, released.
the pain is not what it was.
i am not who i was.

lately, these kinds of revelations are coming in waves. i know it's part of a push to revert me back to my true(st) self, but even that's laced with fear. it's a self i don't quite remember.

i cannot begin to explain how difficult it is to consciously remember what i was "before". i used to think my cloudy memories were simply a manifestation of how i process information. now i wonder if it's really a symptom of the neutralization of so many powerful, life-altering feelings.

hm.

apparently, when i was younger, i used to say i wanted to grow up to be an actress.

it'd be interesting to see what i could do on a stage with all this real-life training...

love the lord, but keep your common sense

i've been having some really interesting conversations lately...

one thing that came up today was the notion of calling folks on the jeezus train** "stupid".

while i saw his point, i hesitate to call anyone "stupid" for their faith. i could easily be called a lot of things for killing a chicken.

but...i'd definitely call it "misinformed".

it's my firm opinion that any time your god has you suffering on the planet s/he supposedly put you on, something's wrong. something's also wrong when just about any and everything that feels good/right is arbitrarily forbidden. for everyone. (e.g., premarital sex is WRONG, even if you're not a sex addict, even if you're in love and monogamous, even if it's a mutual source of comfort and connection, etc.)

bottom line: i could care less if you pray by standing on your head and shouting "shabadoo!" 10 times a day...but you better have food on your table and your kids better have a future.

if you're more worried about what's going to happen after you die than how you're living right now, that's just plain anti-common sense.

but it's a damned good way to keep "the people" down and out.



**there was reference to another convo about the difference between baby jesus and grown ass man jesus.

baby jesus is a good way to make folks take all the crap you throw at them...meek and mild and rosy cheeked and all that. christmas stories in hushed tones. but folks who can look grown jesus in the face understand that he was a man who was a political prisoner, revolutionary, sorcerer (let's be real), and--word to sarah palin--a community organizer.

followers of baby jesus tend to be, well, a lot more binary in their thinking. everything's black and white. all the social justice/liberally minded christians i've known have had a lot more to say about GAM jesus.

ah, stress...

what i thought was just a simple, stress induced sore throat turned into a sinus attack/cold that's had me in bed (well, on the couch...easier to sleep sitting up there) practically all weekend.

if you're on the east coast, double up on that vitamin c. i know folks who are sick in DE, PA, DC...something's coming in w/ the change of seasons.

ugh.

i'll be back when the fog clears.

note from a formerly fractured woman

(inspired by this entry over at incredible juju)

i understand why i make you uncomfortable.

the women you are used to seeing are not fully themselves.

they have forgotten how to read the face of the moon, let alone howl at it.

their magic is locked up tight in their ignored wombs,
in soccer practice,
in music lessons,
and heat-and-serve meals.

the women you are used to only feel vague stirrings of their wild witchiness.

(the goddess can be hard to hear over cnn and oprah's guru of the moment)

the power of their dreams has been eclipsed by reason.

but i am one of the old ones returned.
born knowing better,
seeing more,
holding the keys.

i, too, had to live in this world
and suffered some amnesia.

but you cannot fool me any longer,
nor harm me.

i will love you from afar if necessary,
but i will not suffer a fool.

you are more than the world has offered you.
warrior, protector, provider...yes.
but also
the action of our inspiration.
support system.
strategist.

go and do your work.

then join me.

(c) l.a.m. 2008

mommy moments

i'm sure we've all witnessed mommy moments.

i came up with the term after seeing my best friend interact with her first child. there were little phrases they exchanged, strings of ridiculous baby talk in the middle of supposedly adult conversations, tearful first days at school (i STILL don't quite get that one...), etc.

mommy moments can happen anywhere and at any time. sometimes they're cute, other times they mean your doom (e.g., the look).

they can even happen once you're grown and no longer living at home...

i was in the middle of the most gangsta shakespeare play i'd ever seen when my mom called. a little girl in a commercial had just reminded her of me as a child. she gushed over how sweet i was, that i was a calming influence on the whole house.

but the sweetest thing was her saying, "i don't know what i did to deserve you."

i basically sat there with my mouth open. i thanked her, but honestly? i was just getting to the good part of the movie, and i can take my mother's sentimental spells for granted. so my reaction was largely, "um...ok...thanks?" and some nervous laughter.

but, i'm gonna have to thank her today, 'cause that was a really nice thing to hear. there are a lot of folks who either wish they could relive those mommy moments, or long to witness one from their own mother.

those moments are how i learned what i was like as a child, and how much of that little girl has remained with me. it's also nice that she's accepted the adult version of me because i was "always special".

she paid enough attention to notice all of that and nurture it, so i'm very grateful.

truthfully, i don't know what i did to deserve her, either.

so, thanks for the moment, mom. love you.

game.over.

don't fall for the okeydoke, y'all.

According to this definition, Sarah Palin does, indeed, have ‘executive experience.’ And so does every other governor and mayor in this country. But, I ask you, are all mayors and governors now qualified to be vice president of these United States?*

The obvious answer to this question is ‘no, all mayors and governors are not qualified to be vice president of these United States.’

And this is the point where McCain surrogates and supporters retort: “but, she has MORE executive experience than Obama does!”

And that makes about as much sense as comparing Palin’s qualifications to McCain’s. By the measure of ‘executive experience,’ McCain is less qualified to lead the U.S. than Palin. She’s also much more dynamic, and less likely to die in office. Perhaps she should be at the top of the ticket?

Some people believe that the years Obama spent as a constitutional law professor at a top university, as an Illinois state senator, and as a U.S. senator aren’t equal to Palin’s years on a small city council, mayor of a city with a population of 6,000, and (20 months) as governor of the 47th largest state in the union. Some people think that Obama’s experience outweighs Palin’s.

overflow...

i walked in hoping i'd be able to get down some thoughts and feelings, but i can't seem to form the words yet. everything is just too amorphous and full of pure emotion and feeling...

but i am happy
and grateful.

the universe is conspiring to revert me
to my fuller-than-full,
brazen hussy,
flirtatious,
bliss-creating,
pleasure-loving self.

...and i am ecstatic.