fix him or move him (c) oyin

a lot's been revealed in the last few days.

between last night and this morning, i think the new moon and my ori gave me the strength to finally say enough is enough.

i love my man. i really do. i've given up a lot for him. more than he knows.

he has grown since i've known him. i've tried to not dwell on the fact that that growth occurred largely through my tears and my conviction. because i was willing to leave rather than put up with his nonsense. because i spent lonely nights not knowing where he was. because i endured holidays, birthdays, and all other kinds of days solo 'cause he "wasn't ready" or "didn't know".

i have been depleted far more than i've been filled up.

i'm tired of the emotional blackmail. the blatant immaturity. the inability to deal with the least bit of uncomforatble or novel emotion. introspection not fueled by an insulated sense of self worth. i'm sick of his lack of communication, his lack of understanding.

i can be his
best friend
wife
business partner
lover
mother of his children
keeper of secrets
supporter of his healing

i cannot and will not be his
therapist
mother
whipping post
experiment in adult living/relationships

i am NOT in the business of re-raising men and never have been.

if you're crazy, say you're crazy and know it. own it. we can work from there.
don't present yourself as this bastion of...whatever and then fall all apart when you have a feeling. fuck that.

i don't want to live in a big pretty house by myself. i don't want to wait until i'm 40 or 50 to have the relationship i want with a man. but i will. because i am happy enough with me to be with me and find new pathways to my bliss.

so he needs to decide whether he's part of the solution or part of the problem.

maybe instinctively the woman that's emerging--the one i'm reverting back to-- threatens him.

he doesn't really know the me in full control of herself.

the me who will only let you make her cry three or four times, tops.

the me who will look straight through you, wake up to the reality of your bullshit, and leave you in the dust, holding incense-scented memories
...and not look back.

he's gotten glimpses of her, but when i met him and for a long time thereafter, i was too weakened to be her. and our relationship never quite closed those gaps. with some exceptions, i did that work on my own. i bled in the process, and usually dressed my own wounds.

i've spent a lot of time in this relationship by myself.

he damn well better get all those pretty intentions and thoughts of his out in the open. stop living in the fantasies he creates in his notebooks, and get down to the business of manifestation. yesterday.

my time has come. i don't know about his.

frankly? i'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

today i am grateful for the power to speak my truth.

crickets & tumbleweeds

damn.
where is everybody?

i've gotten emails from one email buddy today. having no email buddies makes the day go by sooooooooo much slower. *sigh*.

i gotta send everybody a stupid reminder about that stupid report...
make a supply order...

*yawn*

in other news, the process of receiving my elekes & warriors went splendidly. the beads are beautiful, and i feel more myself than i have in months--maybe years. i am finally coming out of hibernation.

and it feels good.

i was a little annoyed at having to try and find a white outfit in november (even with relaxed fashion rules, it's a challenge), but as i'm thinking about it, i see the wisdom in it. i have a whole season of reflection and introspection ahead of me. and i can plan on emerging next spring/summer in a very butterfly-ish manner.

next steps:
house-buying
writing
new tattoo
getting in shape...including not slacking off on my yoga
getting to know the new godkid
committing to more meditation/prayer
educating myself about vodou
living
loving
learning

it's a new moon tonight, people. pray for the manifestation of your dreams. if you haven't stated your dreams yet, then organize them. allow them to gestate until the next full moon.

today i am grateful for a clear head, clear water, & the presence of spirit

more toothpaste for dinner

...don't say i never gave you anything










how i feel my coworkers see me @ times...

something woke up my sacral chakra...

the poetry's starting to flow a little.
and i'm mindbendingly aroused.

this can't be good for business (the arousal part...not the writing part).

i think my root has gotten itself together...ever since i let go of him, i've gotten a lot of what i left with him back.

i'm cool with that.

it's probably all those old, old pains beginning to heal...i hold a lot of memories in my stomach/womb area. it's where my pain goes.

i keep feeling movement there...things shifting, rearranging. making room.

i'm glad.
soon, there will only be space for joy.

a few things i've realized lately...

the longest part of my hair is only a few inches from my waist.

as i get older, people seem to find new ways to try what my mother always called my "seemingly infinite" patience. i've been gifted with some, but i ain't got nothin on god if the most high sees fit to love us thru some of the nonsense i encounter daily.

i do not bounce back quickly from honey's absences. i wish i could, but i just don't. i'm always afraid i'll turn around and he'll be gone again. even when i know he won't.

being both deep as the ocean and goofy as a 2-year old is not a contradiction.

i know a lot, but i understand now that everything i know is just a foundation for the wealth of knowledge that's coming.

sometimes i have to have my back against a wall before i realize how strong/resilient/resourceful i am.

i don't write enough.

this city might be too small for me. but i might have to stay anyway.

i don't read as much as i need to to keep my brain awake.

i talk a lot of shit, but the idea of me being a mother isn't nearly as frightening or daunting as i try to make it out to be.

words have power.

learning to accept my blessings and use them to my advantage is not something i should feel guilty about. if i don't learn how to use my gifts to their fullest capacity, then i am also cheating myself of the opportunity to contribute to the elevation of my community--be it my family, my neighborhood, or my planet.

...i'm sure i'll do another one of these posts in the future. it's sort of a gratitude & goal list all tied up into one.

he's comin home...

You're my world...My water
My wind...
And my sweet honey
And you know this

*gasp & swoon*

lawd, i've missed that man.

the african-american woman's guide to successful hair loss

wow.

downside: that this is "news"

upside: there's one less reason to doubt the greatness of mama africa

Libraries in the Sand Reveal Africa's Academic Past

By Nick Tattersall, Reuters

TIMBUKTU, Mali (Nov. 10) - Researchers in Timbuktu are fighting to preserve tens of thousands of ancient texts which they say prove Africa had a written history at least as old as the European Renaissance.

Private and public libraries in the fabled Saharan town in Mali have already collected 150,000 brittle manuscripts, some of them from the 13th century, and local historians believe many more lie buried under the sand.

The texts were stashed under mud homes and in desert caves by proud Malian families whose successive generations feared they would be stolen by Moroccan invaders, European explorers and then French colonialists.

Written in ornate calligraphy, some were used to teach astrology or mathematics, while others tell tales of social and business life in Timbuktu during its "Golden Age," when it was a seat of learning in the 16th century.

"These manuscripts are about all the fields of human knowledge: law, the sciences, medicine," said Galla Dicko, director of the Ahmed Baba Institute, a library housing 25,000 of the texts.

"Here is a political tract," he said, pointing to a script in a glass cabinet, somewhat dog-eared and chewed by termites. "A letter on good governance, a warning to intellectuals not to be corrupted by the power of politicians."

Bookshelves on the wall behind him contain a volume on maths and a guide to Andalusian music as well as love stories and correspondence between traders plying the trans-Saharan caravan routes.

Timbuktu's leading families have only recently started to give up what they see as ancestral heirlooms. They are being persuaded by local officials that the manuscripts should be part of the community's shared culture.

"It is through these writings that we can really know our place in history," said Abdramane Ben Essayouti, Imam of Timbuktu's oldest mosque, Djingarei-ber, built from mud bricks and wood in 1325.

HEAT, DUST AND TERMITES

Experts believe the 150,000 texts collected so far are just a fraction of what lies hidden under centuries of dust behind the ornate wooden doors of Timbuktu's mud-brick homes.

"This is just 10 percent of what we have. We think we have more than a million buried here," said Ali Ould Sidi, a government official responsible for managing the town's World Heritage Sites.

Some academics say the texts will force the West to accept Africa has an intellectual history as old as its own. Others draw comparisons with the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

But as the fame of the manuscripts spreads, conservationists fear those that have survived centuries of termites and extreme heat will be sold to tourists at extortionate prices or illegally trafficked out of the country.

South Africa is spearheading "Operation Timbuktu" to protect the texts, funding a new library for the Ahmed Baba Institute, named after a Timbuktu-born contemporary of William Shakespeare.

The United States and Norway are helping with the preservation of the manuscripts, which South African President Thabo Mbeki has said will "restore the self respect, the pride, honor and dignity of the people of Africa."

The people of Timbuktu, whose universities were attended by 25,000 scholars in the 16th century but whose languid pace of life has been left behind by modernity, have similar hopes.

"The nations formed a single line and Timbuktu was at the head. But one day, God did an about-turn and Timbuktu found itself at the back," a local proverb goes.

"Perhaps one day God will do another about-turn so that Timbuktu can retake its rightful place," it adds.

there's stupidity

and then there's just utter and complete bullshit.

i'm gonna need all the pastors/preachers/reverends/bishops/elders and others who are truly about the liberation of black/brown/oppressed peoples to stand up and refute nonsense like this.

thanks to yemaya for the blog entry.


The Black preacher is nothing but the H.N.I.C (Head N*gga In Charge). Blacks have gone from the plantation to the Black Church.

This comes from Crefflo Dollar's site:

When a nation is on the brink of war, the worst thing its citizens can do is allow themselves to become divided. The Bible says that there is a time for war and a time for peace (Ecclesiastes 3:8). In fact, Jesus said that in the last days there would be wars and rumors of wars (Matthew 24:6). When this country was attacked on September 11, 2001, there was a fierce public outcry. America wanted her enemies to pay. Now, two years later, those same Americans are protesting the war against terrorism.

President Bush is worthy of your prayers and support. He is a man who rises early every morning to seek God and His wisdom through prayer and the study of the Word. This is not the time for Christians to picket, carry protest signs or throw their opinions around. The election is over, and the man in the Oval Office is the one we, as Americans, voted in. Numbers 32:7-13 makes it clear how God feels about a nation divided during a time of war.

This country needs unity, and it begins with the church. It is your responsibility as a believer to pray for the president, others in leadership, this nation, the men and women serving in the Armed Forces and our enemies--whoever they may be. Forget about your political affiliation or preference. You are first and foremost a Christian.

Begin by making these confessions:

In the name of Jesus, I declare that I will not allow any corrupt communication to proceed out of my mouth concerning President Bush or others in leadership (Ephesians 4:29).


I declare that he is a man of wisdom, and he is strengthened and guided by the Holy Spirit. I wholeheartedly support the decisions he makes for this country (1 Timothy 2:1-2).


I lift up every man and woman serving in the Armed Forces. I declare that they walk in favor, wisdom and safety and that their lives are redeemed from destruction (Psalm 91:7; Psalm 103:1-6).

If you have taken part in any protests or have allowed any corrupt communication to flow out of your mouth concerning the president, repent and begin to show your support for him by calling his name out before God. Pray for wisdom and wise counsel regarding the decisions he must make for this nation. Obey what the Word says in 1 Timothy 1-2 and 1 Peter 2:13 and: 1) continue to pray for those in authority over you; and 2) submit to that established authority. In doing so, you honor God, our president and thousands of service members. When the temptation comes to murmur or complain, rejoice that there is a man in the White House who walks and talks with God daily. Remember, united we stand, divided we fall (Matthew 12:25)!

can't believe your eyes? check it for yourself.

i feel like...

it's all coming together and falling apart at the same time.

ain't that always the way?

fire in the hole...

someone's storage area caught fire in the basement of my apartment building.

*sigh*

aside from the soot stains on the roman blinds in my bedroom and the smoke smell, there was no damage...my door's a little jacked up from the firemen coming in, but they'll be fixing that shortly.

i'm thankful it wasn't worse. having a little housecleaning to do is nothing compared to coming home to a smoking hole.

ashe.

it kinda sucks when

ppl are walking around with spirits and ancestors trailing so obviously behind them
and i can't say anything

like...just now i kind of focused in on some energy around this dude's jacket. when he came back in my office, there was a rush....i'm thinking, there is someone with this man. and s/he wants to say something...

but you know
i'm at work and stuff
and that ain't really proper and all...

this spiritual training is gonna whup my ass.

but in a good way.

today i am grateful for strength and clear pathways. maferefun ogun

Ko Sohun Tole Se Ko Ma Lomi- O

(nothing without water)

it's amazing what a bath can do...
i feel much more human today.

still don't really feel like working, but hey...*shrug*. gotta eat somehow, right?

lot to do this weekend....and i'm sure i'll have more stories to tell once it's all said & done.

but for right now, y'all have a good weekend, chill out, enjoy the weather (hopefully it's supposed to be nice where you are), and i'll see you on the other side.

peace.

today i am grateful for lavender oil & sweet thoughts

at the tone, please leave a message...

i'm so not here today...can't focus...

not that there's a whole lot to do. i've pretty much cleared my plate. and now i'm waiting for the other folks around here to do what they need to do on their end...bleh.

i'm just...somewhere else.

i wanna go back home and go to sleep. i keep wondering if my eyes are half closed...

ah well
fk it.

just a couple more days in the week...

go read this. and this.

n. wolfe & ashland streets, fall 2006*

he stood
in uniform
(black jacket, blue jeans, che guevara-style pseudo revolutionary cap)
at the chain link gates
of the new emerald city

brown skinned ogun
stripped of his machete
probably remembering
former territory
grandma's house
maybe auntie's kitchen
or where he & his boys played playstation
back in 90something
during christmas break

standing between
pulverized history
and a brave new world
that doesn't necessarily exclude him
but ain't sendin
hospitality committees
either.

(c) l.a.m. 2006


*note: johns hopkins has torn down several blocks of homes in the area known as "middle east" to make room for parking lots, a new biotech complex, and housing and services for its employees. the first phase of this project is underway. many blocks have been leveled, and there are several more marked for destruction.

there has been a massive relocation effort which has been handled better than in most cities where this kind of development occurs. still, when i see people like this man on the street, frozen by what they see--or memories of what they used to see--around them, i think about all the history and memories the rubble has buried.

i'm tired.

really tired.
i think i feel a 3-day weekend coming on...

i don't wanna take monday off, but...whatever.

i think i just need some time to commune with my own thoughts so i can get my shit together, you know?

this place is so not conducive to that.
trying to cram it in to the few hours between getting home from work and needing to go to sleep so i can roll myself out of bed to get back to work in the morning isn't working either.

the weather isn't helping...

i miss him soooo much.

and all that other yin yang.

i need a beach
with turquoise water
and white sand

on some "calgon, take me away" type shit (yeah i know i'm showin my age...)

time to go scan some bullshit for a project that i care nothing about...

i wish i at least had an office to myself so i could blast music...i like the broad & all. i just want some space.

and maybe a gig where i don't feel like i have 20+ kids.

no, i'm not planning on cutting my hair

thank you very much.

if i choose to let it get long enough to tickle my ankles as i walk, so be it.

i think i'll be content to let it sway with my hips when it reaches my waist. that will probably happen in another year or so.

we'll see.

still...why are ppl so concerned about how long i might (or might not) allow my hair to grow?

often i hear...
so...when are you gonna cut it?
thinking about cutting it?
isn't it heavy?
those things are getting long, aren't they?
are you gonna look like oneathose rasta women or something?

and so on.

of course they can't know that as a child, my hair was pretty much the length it is now. so, honestly, it's back to its original state. i've always had a lot of hair, and i'm used to it. this mane on my head is a big part of my natural state of mind/being/spirit.

yes, india, i am (to some degree) my hair.
but it is not a yardstick i use to judge others.

and i'll cut it--IF i cut it--when i damn well please.
or not.

*grin*

oneademdays

i'm really not feelin this (i.e., work).
at all.

but at least i grabbed a long-term meter this morning.
and got paid.

i want something good for lunch...

i need to stop eating so much @#&$*! dairy.

my chocolate addiction has returned. but it's probably just the hormones.

this period of inactivity must end. i think i've incubated long enough. time to go into labor...

you know, i spent the first few weeks of my life in an incubator. sometimes i wonder if that's why it takes so long for me to initiate certain levels of change in my life. i always have to make sure i'm "ready".

ok. now i'm just rambling.

i do need to get moving, though.

today...

i am grateful for 6-yr-olds
newborn babies
free parking spaces
and the microsoft word color palette

spontaneous drink-mixing
weekends full of late nights
creative energy
and books like these

kids say the darndest things

so my godson is staying with me for a few days while his mom recouperates from his little brother's birth (they practically had to yank that kid out...damn shame is what it is).

last night he says, "you only know about different kinds of foods. you don't know how to make a sandwich"

...not that i made him a sandwich. i suppose he just thinks my meals are a little too elaborate. lol. not that he ate my cooking, either. i made some collards, mac & cheese, and baked tofu, but we both ate pizza since all that wasn't going to be ready before his bedtime.

besides, he's not a fan of tofu. i promised him spaghetti and broccoli (please note: he likes broccoli--but not vegetables) for dinner tonight. but it's practically a given that he'll get curious and delve into my plate at least once during a meal.

kids are cool.

still...i don't think i'll be ready for motherhood for another 3-5 years.
at a minimum. lol.

really quickly...

i'll have a new godson by the end of the weekend.

my sweetie's coming home...only for a couple of days, but that's better than nothing.

i'm writing a little, but nothing too deep...

been mourning my freedom. now i need to go about reclaiming it.

dang it (c) hank hill

i forgot my lavender oil for my temples this morning

hopefully my head won't throb ALL day...

i could just be slightly dehydrated.
or tired.
my headwrap could be too tight
my hair too heavy
or some combination of the above.


this past year as been one of the most tumultuous that i've had in some time. there have been a lot of changes, a lot of shifts. for the longest time, i've been feeling like i'm being prepared for big changes...and now i'm finally getting a glimpse as to what those changes are.

i've cried more than i've wanted to, but they have been purifying tears. temporary birthing pains. the real change begins after i've let all that bad water seep out of me and fill myself back up with sweet, nurturing things.

yeye oshun has me in her hands, and she's not about to let go. so i might as well lean back and enjoy the ride. i know that her joy and abundance are crucial to my rebirth.

so...
here goes nothing.


today i am grateful for clear water & honey

they hacked down my grove...

that place in the picture on the "tree life" post? well, they must have cut the grass recently...i drove by the other day, and the center section is hacked down to almost nothing.

they pretty much left the "guardians" alone.

i'm sure it will grow back...but still.

they could have cut the grass and left that as it was.

*sigh*

the secret lives of trees (part 2)

(written 9.17)

i sprinkled some water over the "altar" area .

there are a group of tall shrubs (or little trees) surrounded by a semicircle of grass. the grass looks and feels like both a fence and a pedestal. a windowsill inviting you to the inside. the trees here are mostly covered in ivy so their personalities are harder to spot.

there's power in this grove. concentrations of plants like this always remind me of oshun. they look like riverbank gatherings.

there are houses just beyond all this, but the green wall seems to be connected to other worlds. approaching the thing as a whole makes me think i'll find an entrance to narnia or somewhere if i go back there.

there must be shrines here. or at least there should be. maybe the shrines are there and have just been abandoned.

who knows what was on this land before...

seems to be doing fine on its own, though.

there are two larger, more diverse plant formations on either side of the grass pedestals. i'm in front of one of these. they appear to be guardians. the formations are different, but similar. i've always focused on the centerpiece; i never noticed that it was protected.

i don't have a way to measure, but if i had to guess i'd swear it was close to evenly distanced all around. accidental landscaping.

always backlit by the sun.

i just noticed some red berries/flowers blooming at the rear of the left guardian...i'm going to have to get my camera cleared and get some shots. several birds are also flitting around...but i'm not dressed for that today. i need long pants and tennis shoes. a sarong and flip flops is just asking for trouble.

i have to give something to this manifestation. maybe just some fruits with a little honey. i'll think about it. maybe there will be a dream.

maybe for my thanksgiving/equinox prayer i will leave an offering.

a baby bee just went by. seen several of those today. suppose oshun's looking out.

i feel like sinking underneath the dirt. using the grass for a blanket. sleep all wrapped up in this beauty.

i must sorely need grounding work.
root chakra all jacked up.

the blades of grass are beginning to distinguish themselves...
time to go. or i'll be here all night.







picture of "altar" area, autumn 2004. looking at this picture i can see how much it's grown. "guardian" plants not pictured.

i think i want

...some hot chocolate
stickysweet rush of
heat and
molten sugar
weaving down my throat

something to make me pleased
with the autumn determined to devour
my last 48 hours of summer
and the tears i can't seem to control
...at least not lately

some comfort
from the new chills in the air.

yeah.
that'd be good right about now.

~~~~

in other news...
i did it,
then never did it again.

i need to do something about that.

peace in a can

i need some kind of intstant de-stressor for whenever honey & i have those conversations that simply leave me sick @ heart.

i have been told to be patient.
so i can be sure.

so that's what i'm going to try to hold on to.

the secret lives of trees (part 1)

(written 9.17)

i'm sitting in the park near my house noticing the personalities of the trees.

there are lacy lady ones
big, generous men
the three trees that seem to be leaning forward to listen to one across the way...

baby trees
elder trees...

i miss earth energy. grounding. even sitting on a blanket i can sense the enormity of what's underneath me. mama earth is so big & beautiful. and all she wants is to get to know us again.

we're children away at college who don't call as often as we should.

sitting here makes me feel enveloped...embraced. loved. protected.

there is one tree, male-looking. tiered almost like a pagoda. tall. to his right, there's a tree with lace-like leaves, leaning rightward--away near the top, closer at the bottom. but still leaning. she's grown that way because he's straight, thick limbed, and heavy.

i can't tell if she's disgusted with him or being coy.

there's another tree to his right, much shorter, who he puts in almost total shadow. at least from this angle.

my favorite is the short, wide one. not very tall, but full bodied, strong. shade-giving with low branches. i think he must love children 'cause they'd probably fit best underneath those branches, next to the trunk. i suppose the extensiveness of his foliage is the only clue about his age. i can't imagine he'll get taller.

then again, trees grow in years, not inches.

reason #283945 our children need a sense of history...

there's a seminar coming up at the school where i work this week...

"SMOKING NEWPORTS IS OUR HERITAGE-EXPLORING TOBACCO USE IN URBAN YOUNG ADULT AFRICAN AMERICANS (CBPR* RESEARCH IN PROGRESS)"

what
the
fk?

guess jet ceased and desisted with the newport ads a few years too late, huh?




*cbpr stands for "community-based participatory research"

we all fall down...

i feel like it's all unraveling. and it happened so suddenly...hard to know which way is up. could be headed for a breakthrough, but it really just feels like a breakdown.

i would love to suck it up and keep it moving, but...

i don't know.
i really don't.

of course, in the grand scheme of things, this is a pebble in the river. in the long term, i'll be fine. life will go on, and everything will upright itself. the transition is what ultimately gets me.

change is very rarely a rush for me. it's more of an agonizing drag.

still...i've learned a lot and, if it truly is time to move on, then i suppose i'll do it with a better understanding of who i am and where i need to go from here.

i always thought that i was meant to be a wife, if not a mother. maybe i was wrong.

or maybe i took the wrong chance.

i'll never really know, so it's best not to speculate. that can drive you crazy.

fk.

not a whole lot of playtime @ the gig anymore.

i really need a home computer...

blessed

all i can say is...wow.

vegas was phenomenal
and the retreat this weekend was even better.

i wish i had time to say more, but...i suppose the one thing that sums it all up is, "i'm back."

peace & love

involuntary fast

gas pains are not fun.
they're even less fun when they wake you up precisely at 3 or 4 am each morning.

i've been looking out for the other requisite symptoms of "food poisoning", and i don't have them. just...a pain now and then.

stress seems to bother me. or the hint of solid food. and, strangely, i can't drink plain water.

this better not affect my vacation. furthermore, i don't wanna have to walk around vegas in clothes that don't fit 'cause i lost 15 lbs from not eating for two days.

i suppose it's just another one of those wonderful spontaneous detox rides my body likes to take me on every now & then.

~~~

...on an unrelated but no less important note, why is at&t charging me a $6+ "minimum use" charge on my home phone bill?

i also wish i could charge the goddamn postal service the $30 it cost me to stop payment on the irs check THEY lost in the mail.

grrr

mama needs a new pair of shoes...

i'm praying for a miracle in vegas.

winning a cool $1000 would be just right.

see, turns out i have 2 big bills to pay before i go, not just one.

plus my rent went up this month. i forgot that with this automatic withdrawal thing i'm essentially paying a month in advance, and my lease renews september 1st or august 31st or however the hell it works.

*groan*

i won't even talk about how i woke up in the middle of the night with some serious gas pain...i still don't know what the hell i ate. probably that nasty italian dressing from the salad bar yesterday.

i'm gonna try to stay positive & not let this get me down. i will get ahead.

money trail

i need a budget.

...that's all.

TKON

...aka the kingdom of niggadom

(this is why i luv oyin...lol)

i'll be with you in a moment...

i know it's relatively lame/cliche to write about how you don't feel like writing, but...

yeah.

actually, it's not that i don't feel like it. but a lot of what i'm transmitting right now is pretty esoteric and better understood by self, so i'm keeping things relatively close to the vest.

i'm pushing out obstacles and ushering in blessings...
there's movement in the air...
i'm excited about vegas (barely 2 weeks to go!)...
i'm obsessed over the idea of my new tattoo...and ideas for others after that...
work is still just something to babysit my person during the day...
my cat's been stalking a ladybug for the past couple of days...

and so on and so forth.

so...that's me at the moment. see you on the other side of the rainbow.

the other side of luxury

i thought it had to be too good to be true...

since i don't feel like writing...

go web surfing!

painted ladies (sorry abt the ads...might wanna disable pop ups)

susan miller's astrology zone

inked blog

mami wata (also check out the wikipedia entry)

african hip hop

recognize.

the universe starts by tossing a pebble or two at your window.
if you don't hear it, it might toss a brick & break the glass.
if that's not enough, you might find yourself up against a brick wall.

if you decide to just sit up against that wall and linger, it just might fall on you.

but it won't kill you.

it doesn't take much to hear god speaking. it doesn't have to be dogmatic or specific to any text. it doesn't have to be loud and proud like a multimillion dollar lottery prize.

it could be coming through your dreams.
your arguments with your mate.
the breeze that woke you up this morning.
or the butterfly lighting on your windowsill.

don't make the universe slam a brick wall down on you.
learn how to hear the pebbles.

fela anikulapo kuti

it was brought to my attention that we lost fela 9 years ago today.

if you don't already, you should really know about him.

wikipedia

african music.org

in case you don't feel like reading, you can just pick up a few of his cds and learn about him that way. the new one-disc/double album sets are a great way to build your collection without killing your wallet. (hint: if you're looking for "water no get enemy", it's on the expensive shit / he miss road disc)

an excuse to buy music. what more do you need?

viva la revolucion

i'm sure we won't know for some time just how bad things are for fidel (if that link asks for a log-in, click here instead). but any way you look at it, this is big.

i can understand cuban-americans and cubans themselves wanting a better standard of living. but i don't wanna see havana become "mini vegas" again. or even see a starbucks on every corner.

i fear these exiles--as they're called--don't understand the advantages to not being america's bitch. they've been softened by our glitter and gold.

of course, all i know is what i've read. given the opportunity, cuba is one of many places i would have liked to travel, but it's been difficult to get to the west coast, let alone the forbidden fruit just a few miles south of the good ol us of a.

at any rate, i know cuba has a higher literacy rate than we do, that their ppl have indiscriminate access (slow or no) to healthcare, and that while the ppl may be poor, they haven't seen fit to overthrow fidel or support u.s. efforts to do so in a way that's made our government successful. they also haven't seen fit to extradite assata shakur.

i wasn't alive to see haiti free herself in the midst of slavery. i was born a full decade or more after india, the nations of africa, and other third world countries gained their independence. not to mention missing the turmoil and black power surge of the 60s and early 70s.

seeing little cuba hold up in the face of uncle sam's bullying long after the cold war was frozen and buried is the only revolutionary example i have from my lifetime (cesar chavez & 'nem notwithstanding).

so, instead of wishing for his demise--yes, i heard a few folks on tv doing just that this morning--i'm going to pray that the cuban people maintain the good points and the spirit of the revolution while allowing for the basic freedoms and human rights we all deserve. i pray they stand fast and refuse to undo fidel's work for the promise of a ham in every oven & a buick in every driveway.

'cause in a generation or so, they may find that the price was far too high.

viva la revolucion.

(read more here)

one step closer...

i went to the guy who did my lotus last night & asked him about my new tattoo…

i’ve been bouncing around a lot of ideas, but i’ve settled on a snake/serpent with its tail in a spiral, possibly creeping up my shoulder. this takes care of the goddess, creativity, rebirth, and wisdom motifs all at once.

i made sure to tell him i didn’t want any striking cobras or something spouting blood and weaving its way out of my arm. i’m aiming for something like the little garter snake i’ve added here. feminine & slinky.

it’s gonna cost me a little more than i’d like (of course size, placement, etc haven’t been etched in stone…only that i want it in blk & grey, no color.), but i don’t mind. he’s a great artist & not hard to spend a couple of hours with.

to any first timers out there: you get what you pay for. unless you’re dealing w/ a friend you trust, bargain shopping for ink is NOT the move.

See more progress on: get another tattoo

replace "piercings" with "tattoos"

...and i could be writing this to my mother.

What I wish I could tell my parents

Piercing is something that my parents and I have had many fights about and is one of the few things that actually come between us. Now while you might be saying to yourself, "Why is this 20 year old guy worried about what his parents think?" And my answer to you would be that I care a lot, first of all they still support me while I am going to school, and secondly, they are my parents and we get along really well, accept for this.
I have only a few piercings: my lobes, an industrial, my tragus, and my tongue, as well as a few that have retired but they would have never seen anyway. Now this is the problem, they already think I look like a freak and that I could never get a respectable job, and I feel that I am not yet the way I want to be, and this is where it gets interesting.

What I would like to say...

Why do I get pierced? Not because it looks cool or because it is a fad. I get pierced because it means something to me far beyond what any sort of fashion or, material possession ever could. To me being pierced is an experience that connects me with m mortality and is a way to physically manifest some of the pain that we all experience in everyday life, but detach ourselves from. Piercing is a challenge that each time you overcome, it makes you stronger. So, no I do not get pierced because I am rebelling, or because it is a fad, or because I think it will make me fit in, I get pierced because I would like to feel more like me and know myself more. I want to know my limits, my boundaries, my abilities, and then I want to push them to the next level.

Piercing is also a mark for people with a certain mindset. It is not some ritual, cult of death, but it is a cultural symbol, and this is the culture that I want to be associated with. Not to fit in, but to show them who I am, and then be accepted by like-minded individuals, people who I can relate to.

Why do I pierce? Yes, I have taken up piercing, myself and others, and I am actively trying to make a profession of it. (Any Piercing Artists in Long Beach / LA area want to take on an apprentice?) I do this because of my love for piercing. I think it is not only something that everyone who wants to should have access to, but I think it is something that everyone should experience at least once in their lives. As Tyler Durden said, "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been a fight?" I ask, "How much can you know about yourself if you have never been pierced?" I think that inflicting this amount of pain on yourself for something inconsequential, is a major event that can happen in a persons life. It is giving up your fear of pain and everything we as modern people do to escape and numb pain, in essence, this is giving up just one of the many things that control your life, and taking it back for yourself. So I back to the question: Why do I pierce? Because I w ant to share this thing that I love with the world, and I also want to meet people who appreciate it like I do. Because it is through people who appreciate the same things that we appreciate, that we can grow, and expand our horizons.

And as for this whole "respectable job" thing. Perhaps I don't want a "respectable job" perhaps I plan on doing something different, and actually enjoying what I do for a living and the environment in which I work. Perhaps to me it isn't so much about the money, but the happiness and the my relationships with the people that I care about. Besides there are many other things that I could be doing to "explore". Like drugs, or shagging every girl I meet, or becoming an urban camper. But what I choose to explore in this world are my relationships with people, my understanding of myself, and what I can create to make my mark. Essentially, this means that, all I have are my friends, my self, and my art. So be a little more open minded, there's always more than one way to do it, to live life, let me choose my own path, and rather than push me down yours, support me on mine. There's a big world beyond your front door, and rather than pushing out those who bring it in, you could try to go out into it, explore it, and explore yourself.

this is a test

...of the emergency morality system.

this is a chance to stop and think.

just like 9/11 was for us.

is israel as determined to fail that test as we were?

i only pray that the babies caught in this crossfire find some way to grow up with the wisdom and compassion not to demand an eye for an eye. that they understand that the cycle must end somewhere, with someone.

cliffs notes

if you're looking for a quick & dirty version re: what could happen with this israel/lebanon thing, see this.

and since when is diplomacy standing behind your buddies at all costs and offering the other side jackshit? from truthout:

American officials are very good at vernacular descriptions, but lousy at history and political reality in the Middle East. As U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice sets off Sunday on her short trip to a Middle East that is increasingly engulfed in violent confrontations and political turmoil, she has described the massive destruction, dislocation and human suffering in Lebanon as an inevitable part of the "birth pangs of a new Middle East".

From my perspective here in Beirut, watching American-supplied Israeli jets smash this country to smithereens, what she describes as "birth pangs" look much more like a wicked hangover from a decades-old American orgy of diplomatic intoxication with the enticements of pro-Israeli politics...

Short term, the United States would like Israel to wipe out Hizbullah, allow the Lebanese government to send its troops to the south of the country, ensure the safety of northern Israel, cut Syria's influence down to size, and apply greater pressure on Hizbullah-supporter Iran. The United States opposes a ceasefire, therefore, because, Rice says, "A ceasefire would be a false promise if it simply returns us to the status quo."

This diplomatic position to support Israel's attacks on Lebanon, coupled with rushing sophisticated precision bombs to Israel from the U.S. arsenal, indicates that Washington seriously aims to fundamentally redraw the political and ideological map of the Middle East in the longer term. If this means yet another Arab land goes up in flames and war, so be it, Washington seems to be saying...

Washington is engaged almost exclusively with Arab governments whose influence with Syria is virtually nonexistent, whose credibility with Arab public opinion is zero, whose own legitimacy at home is increasingly challenged, and whose pro-U.S. policies tend to promote the growth of those militant Islamist movements that now lead the battle against American and Israeli policies. Is Rice traveling to a new Middle East, or to a diplomatic Disneyland of her own imagination?

because i'm too lazy to write at the moment...

toothpaste for dinner!

quarter life crisis (myspace blog)

part I

part II

i wanna give a shout out to israel...

...and anyone else determined to make the middle east into an inhabitable wasteland

tina turner
"we don't need another hero (thunderdome)"

Out of the ruins
Out from the wreckage
Can't make the same mistake this time
We are the children
the last generation
We are the ones they left behind
And I wonder when we are ever gonna change it
Living under the fear till nothing else remains

We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond the thunderdome

Looking for something we can rely on
There's got to be something better out there
Love and compassion, their day is coming
All else are castles built in the air
And I wonder when we are ever gonna change it
Living under the fear till nothing else remains
All the children say

We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond the thunderdome

So, what do we do with our lives
We leave only a mark
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark
Give it all or nothing

chicken little?

this bothers me.

not so much for the reasons he stated, but basically because we, as the only "superpower" on the planet, don't have the kinds of people in place who could truly aid in alleviating these tensions. the diplomatic and moral clout that might have allowed us that chance and that privilege is all but wasted.

we gave the gun to the baby. and he took it to school. now he's shooting anything that moves 'cause it's just a game to him.

as i said in my comment to the blog entry, i don't worry too much about nuclear strikes. i think we're all aware enough to understand that (a) we're all on the same rock and (b) if the world starts to look like mad max, we ALL lose, no matter who's on top for the first few years after the initial attack.

but i do fear accidents.

god help us all.

stalemate

we're speaking different languages...

words i thought i understood have totally different definitions.

every other conversation seems to be about questioning whether or not this thing we're doing is worth it.

i don't know if this is the beginning of the end or the opening to a breakthrough.

today i am grateful for honesty.

wtf?

sigh

all this to find two people? forgive me if i'm missing something, but why don't they just send a squad in to get them?

isn't that what special forces and all other kinds of special military task forces are for?

sometimes you win...

people often ask me how i could be a vegetarian...

when you consider alternatives like this, i start to ask folks how could you NOT be one?

*shudder*

had a thought this morning...

what if i have to move?
like, a plane ticket away move?

sigh

i can't write much more on it now. too emotional.

i'll revisit this shortly...

still climbing

the salt soak last night helped tremendously...my head cleared up and i slept better than i have in a few days.

i'll keep praying and try to stay as still as possible.

i've been trying to eat light...although last night i couldn't resist getting some chocolate at the supermarket. of course, i ate a whole bar when i said i was going to stop at one or two rows, but...i deserved it.

i don't really have much else to say...there's a staff meeting in about ten minutes (joy), but if i come up with anything more interesting to say, i'll come back & edit.

today i am grateful for clarity, peace, and candlelight.

a busted saturday night / trying to pull it together

so...for the first time in months (weeks at best), i actually wanted to go out & have a decent time--solo or not. so i got myself together and went out, only to wind up in a lackluster reggae party with all of, oh, 10-15 other people.

sigh

so i made my way to another spot, contemplating going in or just going home (by this time i was waiting on honey to see if he was going to meet me), when i saw a pigeon amble up on the side of the car. no biggie, right?

but then the thing decided to fly up & sit on the hood of my car. i was on the phone with my mom for awhile, and he continued to sit there. and he didn't immediately move when i started to move the car, either. he walked up the windshield and flapped around a bit...then finally flew off and went to the curb when i got the first stop light.

i wonder if that was someone saying hello. like the butterfly that followed me to my door every day for a week a couple of yrs ago.

so anyway...saturday night wound up being a total bust, and that led me back into the fog sunday morning. i made dinner early...dad came over and helped with getting the shelves together. so my bedroom is one step closer to looking the way i've been envisioning it for the last year or so. the homestead is really coming together, thankfully.

but...i'm still very far from being ok.

honey & i finally got together last night, and he was great about saying some of the things i needed to hear...gave me a lot to think about.

my mother suggested that maybe i'm beginning to suffer from the "mild" depression that runs in my family...but i don't think so. or, at least, i hope not.

i think my heart's still broken and i'm missing a big piece of my soul. eventually i'll heal, but the wound is still tender.

i spend the majority of my days bored and unfulfilled. another problem.

i'm far too sedentary these days.

i need to form new bonds/friendships/community.

i need to write again. really write.

my outlets are few and far between. i don't even know when they started to disappear.

i've even had a few nightmares lately...

so...tonight's the night i start my full moon prayer/incantation. the plan is to take a nice salt soak and place the prayers with oshun and the ancestors. i'll light my candles for five days (oshun's number) and see what happens.

i've discarded my old "bliss" prayer...it never fully dissolved, and i think that maybe it just wasn't time for those things to come to fruition. for now, i think i'll just keep removing obstacles and filling the spaces until i see a change.

it boils down to this: in order to see the light again, i have to be unafraid of the darkness. i have to embrace my shadow. that's difficult for me because the other side to the munificence and benevolence of my light is the destruction i can bring as shadow. even being older and wiser i fear it.

still...working with it might be the only way to get back to being me again. i have to embrace that possibility.

today i am grateful for small steps forward.

manager set list

more fun with toothpaste for dinner...

oops....

i don't know if it's racist, but it's certainly a little insensitive.

as usual, i feel there are bigger fish to fry. however, sometimes you have to understand that even 140 years, give or take, can be a bit "too soon" for some jokes.

giving thanks...

alafia!

the fog has lifted and i'm feeling better than i have in weeks. i'm crediting the much needed time off, the revitalization of my space, and (last but never least) my prayers for this renewal.

i'll be doing my abundance/gap-filling prayer on monday with the full moon, now that i've had time to reflect on the obstacles i've recognized & removed over the past few weeks. before i do, i'll be taking a good soak in a salt bath infused with clary sage, cinnamon, & sandlewood. all in the name of clearing the slate and making way for new and better things.

...oh. and i happened to stumble across this sista's site today...good stuff.

today i am grateful for clarity, rest, order, and cleanliness.

still not right...

i don't know what's going on with me...i still feel like i have this cloud hanging over my head.

i'm dissatisfied with everything.
nothing feels right or comfortable.
i don't feel like talking to anyone or being "nice".

i'm not happy. i don't really know why i'm not happy. i'm just not. and nothing seems to cheer me up. i don't know what to do for myself, and i certainly can't tell anyone else what to do to help.

maybe i just lack purpose, inspiration, stimulation.
maybe i'm lonely.

who knows.

but i'm really hoping that having some time off and getting to do some things with my hands will help.

the lady with the fire hair

i had another dream last night about the woman with the red/orange afro. this time she lived in an adobe-type house that seemed to have no doors. there were all kinds of desert colors and pillows/rugs on the floor...it was a beauty salon on the outside, but inside was a sort of elaborate tipi.

this time she was very light skinned with the hair. i was told her name was gloria. she was supposed to be native american, but just appeared to be a "redbone" black woman to me.

last time, she was a smaller, browner woman driving a bus and handing out oshun-lessons.

the first time she was a short, bronzed woman dancing.

she's always a kindly, healing presence, something like a grandmother. even so, she doesn't look old enough to be one, let alone mine (she's always around 35-45 or so).

last night she did my hair and we chatted...the longer we spoke, the better i felt. she always seems to come around when i'm unsure of what's going on around me.

today i am grateful for the presence of the ancestors.

mood swings & machetes

mmm mmmm....i am feelin right evil this morning. i feel like i've been handed a machete...and now i'm trying to figure out how to use it. full kali mode.

i could be onery 'cause i miss honey and just don't feel like going thru all the emotion to say/express it in a different way. besides, he's still busy/not sleeping/dealing with his own shit so i'm kind of ambivalent.

or maybe i just wanna keep (most) folks at arms length.

maybe i'm frustrated about trying to get where i need to be.

i might be tired of boredom.

i still have that dull, colorless feeling. i need sensation.

i'm tired of looking at the walls at home, yet i'm too drained/unmotivated to go out and do anything else.

it's probably the hormones. that's about the only thing that can make me this crazy. pms sucks. especially when i can't remember to bring my !@&$*#& womb tea to work...

release

so i said my prayer last night...

i didn't cry, but...my voice cracked. something in me was shaken by the process of cleansing/healing. that just proves there's something that was determined to hold on to me.

it's all good, 'cause i'm letting go of it.

i can't tolerate any drains on my energy right now. anything that's not beneficial is not worth my time and strength.

next step is to start working on my full moon prayer to oshun...to ask that the spaces the obstacles left be filled with sweet things.

in the meantime, i'll take the time to clear/reinvent my physical space. since i won't be going to south carolina (insert sad face here), i can spend the money on getting some things for the house.

today i am grateful for healing & purification.

blues

the weekend was slightly annoying.
and wet.

honey was off somewhere playing emcee while i was either bored, uncomfortable, or just plain lonely.

i'm still stalled creatively.

i wrote a prayer that i meant to take to the river when i went to odunde, but we didn't make it to the procession. instead, i put the prayer with oshun's things, fully intending to do the work at home...now i can't even remember to light the candle...my other altar's remained dark for god knows how long.

i feel like i'm being held back, and i don't quite know how, why, or by what.

i'm gonna have to rewrite that prayer. or, even better, write down my fears/obstacles and get those out of the way first. then go back to that prayer.

i need to blow off some steam. but i feel like i have no outlets whatsoever.

what the hell is wrong with me?

this will probably all pass once my cycle starts. it usually does.

then again, maybe not. who knows. i really can't even articulate what the hell's going on with me lately. i just know i want to feel normal again. happy. myself. something.

at least i cooked dinner...

homegrown terrorists?

ok.

so they can round up these black dudes, but what are they doing about the white men all over nebraska and god knows where else (remember timmy mcveigh?) who have been forming militias for decades?

i'm not saying the brothas are innocent or incapable of blowing up whatever they'd like to blow up but...hm.

i'm tired of it. all of it.

i want to go somewhere and scream or cry. or both.

i'm tired of feeling like i can't speak, like i have no fking voice whatsoever.

i'm tired of not feeling like i belong anywhere.

sick of having no ambition, no drive, no solution.

i can't seem get my thoughts together in any coherent sort of way. nothing comes out right. i can't make anyone understand how i feel.

i can hardly even eat.

i can't get up in the morning.

i'm tired of this life full of square holes.

i'm round, dammit.

i wanna write some meaningful shit...

but i'm too preoccupied with
my fickle appetite
getting ready for the upcoming vacation(s)
obssessing over how to rearrange my house
reclaiming my dreams
baby showers, bridal showers, wedding presents and credit cards
how to reconcile being too lazy for yoga and feeling horrifically out of shape
missing one
loving the other
boredom

etc
so on
and so forth.

new pictures!

over on myspace

when others say it best...

i just shut up and direct you to it.

so...here you go.

south central farm

i guess no one ever told some folks that without farms, we don't eat.

this is a travesty.

why should a non-profit have to go through the process of trying to raise money to buy the farm?

why isn't the city supporting these people? why isn't this being used as an example of what can happen in other urban areas?

we have huge, beautiful buildings in baltimore that are rotting away because developers are sitting on them like hens on eggs instead of allowing the city and/or community groups acquire the buildings. god only knows what kinds of use they could be put to: safe houses and shelters for youth, community health centers or medical clinics, day care centers or affordable housing units.

these buildings are sitting vacant or worse--torn down for multi-million dollar condos that people may or may not move into.

it's total and utter bullshit.

realities

a friend often told me that as an artist--particularly a writer--i have the power to change my reality and the realities of others. the fact that i'm also a powerful dreamer gives me another gateway into this level of change.

in that spirit, i'm trying my best not to feel helpless in the face of some of the things that i'm having to deal with right now. every chance i get, i actively meditate on that concept and those words.

in the words of the lovely ms. oyin, i may just have to wrap a little more fabric around my head to get folks to recognize.

i kinda did that today...a seriously wrapped bun. long, flowy skirt. earth colors. it's grounding and soothing to me somehow to dress this way.

hopefully, it will allow me to graciously do shit that i really don't feel i should have to do.

let my people go...

i'm sick of being here.

that's all.

i gotta make some moves, but i need money to make those moves. and i probably won't have said money for a minute...but we'll see.

whenever i come in here feeling like i need to cuss somebody out and there's really no obvious reason for it...i know i don't need to be here. but...these paychecks need to buy me a few things before i can bounce for real.

every day i feel like i'm wasting time...

these are my "field negro" days.

i don't wanna do shit for you
i don't wanna answer your questions
...or your phone
i just wanna be free.

odunde!

perfect weather...
beautiful people...
cheap shea butter...
great jewelry...
good music...
african face painting...

...what else do you need?

and afram is coming up *this* weekend, too? shoooooooot...

now let's see if i can stay awake at work today. after not getting home until about 9pm (damn traffic...minus the time it took me to get to my destination off the highway, i got to philly in a little over an hour on the way up), i was up until 1am making deviled eggs.

i gotta teach my best friend a few things. lol.

ITMFA

if even half of what's on the FIRST PAGE of this article is for real...

ITMFA.

i can't believe bill clinton was made into a martyr for lying about an extramarital blow job and meanwhile this mofo has started an illegal war, fixed not one but TWO elections, and pissed all over just about anything that's ever helped poor, black, or brown people and we can't get so much as a decent investigation?

hell
emphatically
no.

the door's ajar...

i was writing in my sleep last night...i haven't done that for years. i mean, i've picked up on a poem or an idea, but this was the beginning of a story.

of course when i was thinking/acting more freely, i'd get up and start writing down whatever it was before it got away from me in the morning. but lately a cost-benefit analysis ensues.

"hmm....sleep or...get up at whatevertimeitis and start scribbling?"

on a work-night, i'm probably gonna choose sleep.

it's a bad habit, and one i'll have to i have to force myself out of. losing a little snooze now and then will probably have to be the sacrifice i make to get my creative juices flowing again.

isn't that the psychosis of every artist?

i really can't afford to ignore ANYTHING right now.
i knocked on the door, and now it's been pushed ajar from the other side.

opening it fully is my choice & mine alone.

i'm tryin to run thru that sucka at full speed.

cuba libre

i'm still trying to figure out what the problem is.

unless it's just that unc sam can't stand seeing all those independently minded, decently educated black & brown folks right under his nose.

if cuba had freed herself as early as haiti, she might be in the same situation that nation is today. as it stands, seems she's gaining the power to hurt some feelings.

but here's what you should REALLY be worried about...

what a difference a weekend makes...

things are...moving. very quickly, i might add.

i feel like a load's been lifted. i give all the glory to the spirits of the ancestors who have never left me, even when i felt i had to leave them.

ashe.
let the journey begin.

i think i'm finally ready to own up to all this goodness i've been given.

but what i know for sure is that the brass ring is coming my way. and i wanna grab it.

it's time.

i am not an immigrant.

or the descendant of immigrants.

at least, not technically speaking.

are these people really serious?

~~~

vote democrat

dude...

so i think a spider bit me in my ear a couple of days ago...*shudder*. i thought it was just one of those really annoying ear pimples, but when i looked closely, there were these two awfully symmetrical scars. ugh.

but since my ear hasn't swelled to the size of texas and i felt nothing until i went to wash my ears a few days ago, i suppose i'll live.

pray that i can find a cheap, sexy dress & shoes to wear to this wedding next week. memorial day sales, here i come...

i've been writing a little...

honey & i are on our way to being back on track. and so am i.

well...i'm off to find something to do. 'cause i doubt any real work will be taking place today. ha.

enjoy the weekend!!

sometimes...

you just have to give it up to god.

so...baba eshu, egungun...if there is a way to be made, you're going to have to make it for me, 'cause i'm out of ideas and i'm running out of patience. i'm putting it in your hands.

resurfacing

i'm finding that i'm really spooked lately. every little noise/creak/voice in the house has me jumping out of my skin.

i feel...aware.

often i'll be resting and feel a sort of tingle all over...something auric. it doesn't feel expansive--as often happens during a meditation. it's more like the feeling i get at a concert hearing a song i love. or the tingle you'd feel in church during a serious praise session. a building-up or edification of some sort.

i think i'm going through a "reawakening". things i've pushed to the back of my mind are making their way to the forefront. i'm sure it's to aid me in moving towards my destiny, allowing me to work towards my goals. i have felt rather disconnected from my intuition over the last several months...probably even longer. apparently enough is enough, and it's time for me to give in.

part of this is most likely the reclamation of energy that was tied up in a previous relationship. not to mention keeping my current one together. i've felt bad because i've felt so closed off and distant from my honey, but apparently this needed to happen. i had to get back into my own skin. i think both of them were making demands on me that i couldn't meet anymore. and it was taking a toll--not in the sense of visible stress or unhappiness, but i apparently needed rest.

i'm finding that a lot of the trouble i'm usually having with my cycle around this time has diminished considerably...and not just 'cause i'm remembering my womb tea and b vitamins. i have a lot more of my own energy for my own use.

all the books i'm reading lately are dealing with the magic of womanhood...i just finished alice walker's now is the time to open your heart. i started sassafrass, cypress, and indigo last night (a book that i was essentially and cluelessly almost re-creating in a story i started some time ago...but that's another story). i plan on getting back to when god was a woman after i finish that. and there's a book on menstruation a friend recommended some time ago that i'm determined to find...

yeah. basically.

so...the best things i can do now are to keep a level head, remain pure in thought and intention, and work my magic.

~~~~

he says he's ok, but i still can't seem to shake the idea that i'm the world's worst lover/girlfriend/partner/whatever. the nagging voice in the back of my head is telling me i'm being neglectful, selfish, and irrational.

groan.

i wish she'd shut up. the rest of me seems to be enjoying the quiet.

one out of 136 americans incarcerated

is this the only way we can deal with our issues?

sigh

...but it's malcolm's birthday

so go educate yourself on that.

are mothers always right?

i've been hearing my mother's voice in my head a lot lately. not so much in the sense that i'm becoming her--although sometimes i get that too.

this falls into the category of hearing something for years and not really understanding what she meant. until that one day when it clicks.

for example: she would always tell me that i would either never marry, marry late (35+), or marry a much older man.

never marry? eh. i didn't like being condemned to a life of loneliness...i've always enjoyed relationships, and i have a pretty good track record when it comes to picking mates. of course i'd get married one day...right?

marry late? that wasn't so bad...i've never really been able to decide whether or not i want children, so that wasn't a bad idea.

a much older man? not if i could help it. besides the physical issues, what if, by that time, i decided i didn't want kids and he did? what if he already had half-grown children...close to my age, no less? what about ex wives and mortgages? what would we have in common?

still, as i deal with some of the things that i'm dealing with now in my relationship, i'm wondering if she was right.

it is very difficult for me to deal with the "mess" that comes with a lot of men being in their first real i-think-i-could-marry-her relationship. i don't have a lot of the "usual" issues (body image, missing parent(s) syndrome, etc), so i can sometimes be detached or impatient in areas that require the most nurturing response.

i want someone who knows their shit, owns it, has dealt with it, and can move on.

mom's always said that doesn't happen for men until around 40.

can i wait that long? should i?

mommy has a friend who's her age and single. she's an oshun-type...many lovers, committed to none. she doesn't deal with the headgames men play, the tests they run. they start getting dicey--even when it's "normal"--she cuts them loose. on to the next good time. she can't really deal with raking the muck, either.

mom says the older i get, the more i remind her of her. she says i will have to decide--probably within the context of this relationship--if i have the patience to weather the storm, or if i'd just rather remain a free agent.

some days i just want to walk away and cut the ties. steel my heart and turn into the sweet, cool, brutally honest woman no one can tie down.

but...i enjoy security, safety, stability. i'm afraid it will wear me down to be alone forever.

yes, i'll always have a life, lovers, my godchildren...but what's all that without a lasting love?

i'm still on the fence.

but sometimes i worry mom's right about me.

progression

i forgot to put on earrings this morning. i hate that. my ears have only been pierced for a few months, but whenever i walk out with out something on, i feel naked.

other than that, i'm...level.

gonna start a new book this weekend. and i might have to go searching for that ntozake shange i can't seem to locate anywhere.

if you haven't already, go cop that new fader with nina simone on the cover. she's the truth.

got a new card for the camera. i'm PRAYING it works so i can get some shots in, too.

i also plan on getting the hell outta dodge early tomorrow afternoon. i need some time to dream.

things are moving along.

my f*cking cat

decided to reach out and claw my little mini inflatable foot bath thingie while i was giving myself a pedicure last night.

*pause*

i am not appreciative.

however, my toenails are now an insanely garish pearlescent blue-green.

i'm happy about that.

i needed this laugh

see more at toothpaste for dinner

the breakthrough

(...thank god for mary j blige albums. can i get a witness?)

anyway.

i'm trying to put it all together right now. all the pieces, all the emotions, everything. get my bearings.

i feel stronger already. no less lost, but stronger. more resolved.

i think that i'm going to have to get back to the art of toenail painting.
i will also need more toe rings. things that sparkle.

i'm going back to sacred woman to see if there's a gateway i need to move through to get past all this...i don't know if there's a creativity element. opening to spirit might have some useful chakra work i can benefit from, though. i might have to pick up the artist's way again, but...i'm not sure i feel like going there just yet.

basically, i want to break out of my rut. shatter it, really.

last night i gave in to a bit of self-loathing. it's good to do that occasionally. i ate a whole pizza (yeah. i know), had some chocolate. smoked 1.5 cloves.

i eeked out a really rough poem. and another letter.

later she wrote...

"back from iraq" (truthout.com article)

i support that they got caught up in some b.s. that wasn't of their doing.

i support the sacrifices they have made mentally, physically, and spiritually.

i support the grief of those not fortunate enough to have a loved one come back home alive. or only half alive.

but the reality is, it never should have happened.

period.

i appreciate the life i live here.
i understand that there are ppl fighting right now as i type this.

but they're not fighting for me. they're fighting for dubya & his buddies.

they're fighting for an administration that can't even see fit to make sure their i's are dotted and their t's crossed when it comes to getting the troops the things they need.

they're fighting for ppl who won't even consider researching alternative energy so NO ONE will have to be in their position again.

the last war that was fought "for me" was the war they wouldn't even let my grandfather fight in because he was black.

so forgive me if it's a bit more complicated in my eyes.

i won't be at the airport greeting them, but as the daughter of a vet, i understand.

so do what you gotta do, get the hell outta there alive, and have the good sense to not allow your babies to walk the same path.

peace.

epiphanies

i lost someone very dear to me a few months ago...not through death, but through some necessary life transitions.

that loss has affected me in ways that are just catching up to me now...ways i think he understood from the outset. but my reactions when it comes to our situation have almost always been delayed. i never envisioned my life without him whereas he had to consider it almost every day.

i took his presence for granted. so when he left me, it took me awhile to figure out why i just couldn't get right. i know now that those are the walls that have been closing in on me lately.

in many ways, he was the only thing keeping me from murdering my creative self. he loved her. he kept her going.

now that he's gone i have a gun back to her head, questioning her usefulness.

i'm in a position now where i have to learn to love her for myself, not for his sake. and that means facing some big fears and insecurities.

as honey told me, "you're not sitting at the feet of the master anymore".

i have to remember that i was who i was before i met him.

the split happened when i had to go to college and consider a "real job". before then, "writer" was an adjective i might have used as easily as "woman" or "black". but when i grew up, i began thinking of myself as someone who had to live in the "real world". there would be no surviving from "hobbies"...at least, that's what everyone told me. and since i didn't have a particularly artsy circle to draw from, i believed them.

when i met him, he nurtured and encouraged that side of me. even after our breakup. through the friendship, the fights, the disappearances...he fed me. we fed each other. he made me feel like an artist again.

and now that's gone.
i have to do it on my own.

i'm the type who needs that creative energy...at the very least, a partner...someone i can bounce off of, who can help me. i draw my inspiration from what's around me, from my interpretation of the world.

i don't suppose any writer can function in total isolation. but when our bubble burst, it destroyed the world that sustained me. i have no teachers, no other mentors. and i wasn't ready to step out on my own.

my creatrix has lost her bodyguard. and she's afraid of me.

i have to find a way to befriend and embrace her, pull her back into myself and love her.

without her, i can never be whole. and i'll never get back home.

nothing to see here...

i have little to no energy.

still can't write.

i feel like i'm sitting in the middle of a huge sea on a piece of cardboard or something equally flimsy...it's holding me up, but i'm kind of waiting for the moment i either sink or get rescued.

i don't even know how i got here.

blah.

so much things to say...

...but i can't really make them into palpable words/thoughts.

just feelings running around in my mind/heart/spirit.

i dunno. it'll come. slowly but surely, i suppose.

reasoning

Ajeriakhili says:
[my former, christian roommate] talked about reading papers questioning the earth's age...i dunno. he seems well into it. he doesnt vote cuz it's against the body of christ...i dunno what to say

righteous livity says:
yeah that's a bit much. like, there are problems here & now. and as far as i can read, jesus addressed his here & now, so why can't we? jesus was a rebel of his time. we're not in his time. we're in ours. he should be an example of how we can effect change for the better for us and call out our oppressors.

Ajeriakhili says:
cuz according to them the bible and god are unchanging therefore the same rules apply.

righteous livity says:
in some cases, yes. there are forms of wisdom that don't change. but action needs adaptation. so anyone who can't see *that* is blind. which brings me back to the question of whether folks are following *jesus* or jehovah. 'cause jehovah was a very specific god for a very specific time/people. everybody following jesus should be a tree-hugging hippie commie pinko leftie. lol

a day without immigrants

wow.

Industries that rely on immigrant workers were clearly affected, though the impact was not uniform.

None of the 175 seasonal laborers who normally work Mike Collins’ 500 acres of Vidalia onion fields in southeastern Georgia showed up Monday.

“We need to be going wide open this time of year to get these onions out of the field,” he said. “We’ve got orders to fill. Losing a day in this part of the season causes a tremendous amount of problems.”

It was the same story in Indiana, where the owner of one landscaping business said he was at a loss.

About 25 Hispanic workers — 90 percent of the field work force — never reported Monday to Salsbery Brothers Landscaping.

“We’re basically shut down in our busiest month of the year,” said owner Jeff Salsbery. “It’s going to cost me thousands of dollars.”

Beef and chicken processing plants also felt the pinch.

Eight of 14 Perdue Farms chicken plants closed for lack of workers. Tyson Foods Inc., the world’s largest meat producer, shuttered about a dozen of its more than 100 plants and saw “higher-than-usual absenteeism” at others, according to spokesman Gary Michaelson. Most of the closures were in states such as Iowa and Nebraska. Poultry plants also closed in North Carolina and Georgia.

stuff.

got my foot bath. gave myself a nice, luxurious pedicure over the weekend.

the carol's daughter stuff is a little messy, but worth it.

started the cleansing...seems to be going well.

i'm adding liquid chlorophyll to my OJ in the morning, which seems to do wonders for my appetite. i don't think it's doing much for my energy level, though. i'll be taking a b-complex vitamin (which definitely helps with energy) and flaxseed oil daily. also trying to keep up the daily 2 liters of water routine.

no chocolate (*sheds tear*) and/or excess sugar. as little dairy as possible. more whole fruits/veggies/grains.

other than that i'm not changing my diet much.

as usual, my shoulders are achy. and the mucus is leaving. that's usually how i know my cleansings are working.

note to self: watch the roasted/raw garlic. good god. i still don't smell quite right. i had the slimiest spinach salad ever on saturday, and someone saw fit to load it with garlic. it wasn't quite coming out of my pores, but other places? ugh.

so now i just have to keep up with my yoga, and make sure i do a decent meditation at least once (preferably twice) a week until the 13th.

work in progress

this ain't quite finished, but...i like it anyway.

i thought of the title as a tagline for my myspace page (another one of those midnight thoughts), and then this poem kind of came trailing behind it.

urban geisha

i keep one hand
on my hip
and the other
in my pocket

walking gingerly down
cracked asphalt streets
in high heeled boots
sequined slippers
or 54-11s

headphones and headwraps
faint smiles and quick hellos

not for sale but
betta have something going for you
to get close

entertaining
bboys & poets
sipping herbal teas in the mornings
after tequila soaked nights

hold my own with medicine men
sleep under altars
stealing secrets i already knew

getting back on track

i realized this morning that this late spring/early summer will probably need to be about cleansing & renewal. basically all the stuff i've been avoiding.

i'm feeling the effects of my horrible eating habits over the past few days, so today's all about green juice & huge salads. maybe some fruit.

i also need to step my water game up. the goal today is to get in at least 2 liters. i should probably commit to that daily for at least a week.

work on getting the house straight.
get back into yoga/meditation.
organize. organize. organize.

when i go on another spending spree, it'll be for all the supplements & other things i'll need for my fast/cleanse regimen. time to break out sacred woman again...i can get some recipes from my copy of afrikan holistic health.

if i can get my act together, i can start preparing around may 1st, do the most intense portion just before the full moon on may 13th, and continue on various levels until my cycle comes again on may 27th.

i wish i could afford to think about buying a new juicer, but that might have to wait until i take care of my exam expenses. i'll see what kinds of deals i can find. if someone has a sale, it's on.

in other news...my carol's daughter order came in. for some reason it went to my mom's house instead of coming to the office. go figure. i'll try the scrub & the herbal foot bath (which smells fantastic) this weekend.

hell, i might get a real foot bath/massager this weekend, too. lol. they're only about $30 at target.

for john lennon

today he'd be
stuck on a myspace page

blogging live from the bed-in
no respected news outlet
would be caught dead near

as angry as any other
non-pop 21st century artist

probably never would have left london

makes you wonder
what folks "ahead of their time"
really could accomplish
at later dates

i really had no reason to think about this man--i'm not a beatles fan, and i'm not familiar with his work beyond "imagine". but i woke up in the middle of the night and had the first few lines in my head.

i guess it applies to anyone people tend to say were born too early.

i argue that the longer we're exposed to "exotic" things in this society, the more regulations we tend to throw over them. at first, it's like "ok. they're just crazy." and no one bothers them. after awhile, someone gets offended (or repressed) enough to say, ok. we gotta rein in the crazies. then the backlash starts. and the creativity dies.

the originators are almost always freer than the people they inspire.

i guess that's true for john, too. if he did the bed-in with yoko with a webcam, it would have been forwarded for a week and dropped. he'd be as marginalized as any other anti-war voice. i'm sure his lyrical talent would put him on the fringe, too.

even my mother's running joke about me being born 30 years too late...not really. what would i have to fight for afer the war was over and militants went out of style?

i'm fine now.
just like john was fine then.

stuck.

well i did get a chance to reread the book last night.

helpful, as always. i need to take it more to heart, though.

i know i'm moving forward. i have to remind myself to respect my pace.

things are chugging along with the massage certification. but...it just doesn't feel like enough.

e.g....this house thing. i am soooo intimidated by all the information and all the time it takes to find all the information and making sure i don't get screwed and etc. and so forth. normally research doesn't bother me, but with all the other crap i have in my head, taking on another phantom project just feels like too much.

i have to keep one thing on my brain at a time in order to make everything else work.

i think that after i get this other expensive ass exam out of the way, i'll go ahead and start thinking about that. right now, if i put any $$ to the side, it's gonna be for that.

i still need to get the house the way i want it.
i can't stand this creative stall anymore.
i want to take pictures. i have to try again with the camera card.
my wanderlust is acting up.
i need to budget. like, seriously.

i'm at one of those points where i need some space to allow my dreams/thoughts to grow and make something of themselves. sitting here all damn day sucks the life outta me when i feel that way. by the time i steel myself to deal with this nonsense, i'm too worn to deal with my work (from the book...and many other books on my shelf these days. i need to remember to use that terminology more often).

it's like...there's a junkpile in my brain, but it's not a junkpile. it's full of gold, silver and all kinds of jewels & other pretty things. but it needs to be sorted out, polished, and put in its proper place before i can use it.

the ordinary is magic.
magic is in the ordinary.

have to remember that, too. that's probably going to be my new mantra over the next few months.

still blank...

i got a new notebook the other day...but it hasn't really helped much yet.

we'll see what happens...

other than that, i'm living.

i really need to reread this book.

i forgot i had it. but i came across the oyin handmade site again today. clicked around a bit and bam. there it was again.

while i'm at it, i probably need to pick this one back up, too.

that combined with my latest dreams is enough to get me thinking.

still not writing, tho.

the christians are coming....

i didn't know it was this serious.

have you heard of this guy?

i have no problem with folks believing/practicing what they want how they want, but to have this idea that EVERYONE should believe in god the SAME way in a pluralistic society is...nuts.

another nugget of proof of the american cultural amnesia.

black folks had their original religions beaten and tortured out of them. maferefun oludumare and the multitude of egungun that many of us are beginning to wake up and remember.

native americans had theirs snatched from under them, along with their languages, as they were scattered from ancestral homelands. their children were shipped off to assimilationist boarding schools, completing the cycle.

others have been goaded and hoodwinked into giving up their ways in the face of a "better" american way.

think about it, kids.

...and what's wrong with this statement?

WITH HIS KHAKI PANTS and checkered shirts, Gary DeMar could be one of a million guys meeting weekly in men’s groups at churches around the country. Bright and articulate, he’s soft-spoken until he gets in front of a crowd. His publishing house distributes hundreds of tracts, more than 20 of them written by DeMar himself, with titles such as The Politically Incorrect Guides to Islam (and the Crusades), which promises “all the disturbing facts about Islam and its murderous hostility to the West,” and The Marketing of Evil, which covers everything “from easy divorce and unrestricted abortion-on-demand to extreme body piercing and teaching homosexuality to grade-schoolers.”

I first met DeMar 18 months ago at his church, Midway Presbyterian, in the Atlanta suburb of Powder Springs, where he was teaching a class on government. During the session, a teenage homeschooler talked about how he had tried in a paper to prove that the family is a form of “Christian government.” “You don’t have to prove that,” DeMar gently chided, and then added, with more heat: “That’s established—established by God!” DeMar’s lecture focused on the “three governments”—family, church, and state—all of which, he told me, should be ruled by God-fearing men.

yeah.
it's always about the god fearing MEN, isn't it?

ay yi yi.