a busted saturday night / trying to pull it together

so...for the first time in months (weeks at best), i actually wanted to go out & have a decent time--solo or not. so i got myself together and went out, only to wind up in a lackluster reggae party with all of, oh, 10-15 other people.


so i made my way to another spot, contemplating going in or just going home (by this time i was waiting on honey to see if he was going to meet me), when i saw a pigeon amble up on the side of the car. no biggie, right?

but then the thing decided to fly up & sit on the hood of my car. i was on the phone with my mom for awhile, and he continued to sit there. and he didn't immediately move when i started to move the car, either. he walked up the windshield and flapped around a bit...then finally flew off and went to the curb when i got the first stop light.

i wonder if that was someone saying hello. like the butterfly that followed me to my door every day for a week a couple of yrs ago.

so anyway...saturday night wound up being a total bust, and that led me back into the fog sunday morning. i made dinner early...dad came over and helped with getting the shelves together. so my bedroom is one step closer to looking the way i've been envisioning it for the last year or so. the homestead is really coming together, thankfully.

but...i'm still very far from being ok.

honey & i finally got together last night, and he was great about saying some of the things i needed to hear...gave me a lot to think about.

my mother suggested that maybe i'm beginning to suffer from the "mild" depression that runs in my family...but i don't think so. or, at least, i hope not.

i think my heart's still broken and i'm missing a big piece of my soul. eventually i'll heal, but the wound is still tender.

i spend the majority of my days bored and unfulfilled. another problem.

i'm far too sedentary these days.

i need to form new bonds/friendships/community.

i need to write again. really write.

my outlets are few and far between. i don't even know when they started to disappear.

i've even had a few nightmares lately...

so...tonight's the night i start my full moon prayer/incantation. the plan is to take a nice salt soak and place the prayers with oshun and the ancestors. i'll light my candles for five days (oshun's number) and see what happens.

i've discarded my old "bliss" prayer...it never fully dissolved, and i think that maybe it just wasn't time for those things to come to fruition. for now, i think i'll just keep removing obstacles and filling the spaces until i see a change.

it boils down to this: in order to see the light again, i have to be unafraid of the darkness. i have to embrace my shadow. that's difficult for me because the other side to the munificence and benevolence of my light is the destruction i can bring as shadow. even being older and wiser i fear it.

still...working with it might be the only way to get back to being me again. i have to embrace that possibility.

today i am grateful for small steps forward.

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