i've been hearing my mother's voice in my head a lot lately. not so much in the sense that i'm becoming her--although sometimes i get that too.
this falls into the category of hearing something for years and not really understanding what she meant. until that one day when it clicks.
for example: she would always tell me that i would either never marry, marry late (35+), or marry a much older man.
never marry? eh. i didn't like being condemned to a life of loneliness...i've always enjoyed relationships, and i have a pretty good track record when it comes to picking mates. of course i'd get married one day...right?
marry late? that wasn't so bad...i've never really been able to decide whether or not i want children, so that wasn't a bad idea.
a much older man? not if i could help it. besides the physical issues, what if, by that time, i decided i didn't want kids and he did? what if he already had half-grown children...close to my age, no less? what about ex wives and mortgages? what would we have in common?
still, as i deal with some of the things that i'm dealing with now in my relationship, i'm wondering if she was right.
it is very difficult for me to deal with the "mess" that comes with a lot of men being in their first real i-think-i-could-marry-her relationship. i don't have a lot of the "usual" issues (body image, missing parent(s) syndrome, etc), so i can sometimes be detached or impatient in areas that require the most nurturing response.
i want someone who knows their shit, owns it, has dealt with it, and can move on.
mom's always said that doesn't happen for men until around 40.
can i wait that long? should i?
mommy has a friend who's her age and single. she's an oshun-type...many lovers, committed to none. she doesn't deal with the headgames men play, the tests they run. they start getting dicey--even when it's "normal"--she cuts them loose. on to the next good time. she can't really deal with raking the muck, either.
mom says the older i get, the more i remind her of her. she says i will have to decide--probably within the context of this relationship--if i have the patience to weather the storm, or if i'd just rather remain a free agent.
some days i just want to walk away and cut the ties. steel my heart and turn into the sweet, cool, brutally honest woman no one can tie down.
but...i enjoy security, safety, stability. i'm afraid it will wear me down to be alone forever.
yes, i'll always have a life, lovers, my godchildren...but what's all that without a lasting love?
i'm still on the fence.
but sometimes i worry mom's right about me.