moving along...

this purge must have been long overdue...i haven't felt this good in weeks. the tingle is back, too.

looks like friday will be the all-water day.

i feel ready to start up my prayers again. i think i'd gotten to a point where i had to remove the "clutter" before i felt comfortable expressing myself to spirit. i've become aware that i need to be on a certain level internally before i'll be able to absorb what i need to understand spiritually.

so maybe i'm progressing after all.

bullshit & then some

i've done practically nothing all weekend. my most productive moment was going out this afternoon to get kitty litter and razors.

i did, in the interest of the cleanse, make myself a yummy blueberry/soy peach yogurt/banana smoothie. that kept the hungries at bay.

i also have chlorophyll now. yay!

i'm sipping a revive vitamin water to keep the post-period blues away (ugh...why did they have to sell to coca cola...now i need to try to find an alternative...guess it's back to the good ol b-complex pills...)

however. i haven't meditated (i'm avoiding my ancestors like i owe 'em money...), and i flaked out on going to yoga. i have no desire to do any postures at home.

i've just been sitting at my desk cruising myspace profiles and talking to honey.

i didn't even look for a job.

then there's the nagging urge to hack off my hair.

yesterday i ran into an old acquaintance who's practically shaved her head--looking quite lovely i might add. earlier today, i came across a sista's blog detailing how shedding her locs was a necessary and deeply spiritual event. an insightful blog comment about possibly being tethered to something that prevents my forward motion has been rolling around in my head.

i don't believe in coincidence. or accidents.
i still want to hold out until the big event...

on the other hand, i know how these urges work. if it persists, i might just walk outta the house one day with a short 'fro and that will be that.

lately, i fear stagnation more than anything, but i also have to be gentle with myself. i could be on the verge of some huge changes, insights, and/or realizations, so i may be feeding a semi-conscious need to ease into the transition. what feels like apathy may just be a form of peaceful preparation.

prayer/mantra: i deserve to be gentle with myself. i own ori. my actions are in alignment with my needs.

cleansing...

whenever i start to feel heavy and out of place, i know it's time for a fast.

the program that seems to work best for me is goo gobs of fresh fruit, smoothies and/or fresh juice, water, and cleansing supplements and herbs (e.g. ultimate cleanse, psyllium, flaxseed, green pills). i usually end with salads/raw veggies, gradually building back up to my regular diet. i'm also fond of lemon water, yogurt (in the smoothies and before/after using the cleansing pills), and chlorophyll.

given february's ordeal and this entry from march, it's high time for a break. my natural urge to cleanse comes up every 3-4 months or so if i've been bad--which i have.

experiences like this tend to lure me back into unhealthy habits and cycles in the name of grounding myself, but i'm learning that maybe it's better for me to walk around on tiptoe just a little bit.

i've read mixed reviews on fasting/cleansing during one's cycle, but i think i prefer it, especially since i've begun to realign with the strength of the full moon. menstruation is a profound cleansing in and of itself, so i'm taking it as a signal that in this cycle i need to clear obstacles with some physical discipline vs. prayer.

cleansing also means more clarity of mind and spirit, so i'm hoping this will also lead to a breakthrough in the battle with writer's block. i tend to journal more frequently and freely during a fast, and i've been hiding from my thoughts lately. time to stop that.

peace & clarity, y'all

today i am thankful for intuition and understanding.

necessary evolution

love's important.

catharsis #1

trying to figure out how to get out of this funk...

part of it has to do with railing against the boredom.

i need to get back on my prayer schedule.

monday's a full moon. time to get some obstacles out of the way.

an extended fast is in order. i've been avoiding any kind of cleansing because i've convinced myself that i don't have the energy/power to keep it up. that's a lie.

the once-a-week fasting went really well for awhile, but stress and annoyance got me off track. i've been sporadic (at best) for weeks.

i've also gotten sloppy about keeping up the other end of the bargain: sticking to vegan/natural foods when i break the daytime fast. now i just go home and pig out. not ideal.

i need to be clear, but i understand that part of me doesn't want to deal with the energy of clarity. i think i've been afraid of what i'll discover, need, want, or realize if i stay on that level too long.

it's something of a misguided protective mechanism; it's extremely difficult for me to resign myself to sitting here day in and day out when i'm functioning optimally. better to sedate myself with cookies and sit here half awake. the illusion of physical hunger keeps me focused on something other than my goals. i've probably always been a little too resistant to change for my own good.

been thinking more about bodywork lately, but that's another sort of heartbreak. i still feel like i'll make a living at it. one day. but that doesn't change the fact that i need money i don't have to get started.

i can't decide if i would rather go into debt to get licensed and hustle from there, or if i should just get my ducks in a row now so i'll be free & clear later.

...well, maybe that's not so difficult. free and clear sounds much better to me. i'm not a good hustler.

i need to move my body. i have to find a way to fit yoga back into my schedule/budget. find a dance class. been saying it for months now, but i really need to make it a priority. i'm certain that my lack of movement is contributing to this feeling of stagnation. moving my body and keeping my energy aligned will whip my mental and spiritual faculties into shape.

there's so much more to this...

i have to become unafraid of opening the floodgates.

repression leads to extremes of implosion and explosion--modes i want to avoid.

i need a way to scream, cry, release. i haven't given myself space to do that. sometimes i don't know if i remember how to.

there has to be a way to vent frustration and progress at the same time.

mantras, a.k.a. shit i need to remember i know how to manifest

money comes easily and regularly (thanks, oyin)

open ori, abundant blessings.

peace, purpose, wisdom, clarity (an oldie but goodie)

you have heaven in you (maferefun ifa)

attitude adjustment

i suppose i'm trying to balance gratitude for being among the employed with the aggravation of knowing i can do better and the (quasi) guilt of wanting more.

i ain't where i wanna be.

it was lovely having time off, but it's still a little too hard to get up in the morning, everything still annoys me a little too much, and i'm still only really happy when i'm not here.

besides, every place i've worked had a great team when i started and, thanks to managerial "insight", looked pretty fked up by the time i left. that fkupedness has begun to rear its head.

so it's about that time.

housekeeping

i should clean more often.

it's not that i'm a bad housekeeper, but i can get lazy. i was a lot more conscientious when i lived with other people.

i find i have a fairly high tolerance for my own mess. particularly when it involves dusting or laundry.

but there is nothing like the feeling of coming home to a freshly cleaned and straightened house. no random clutter, bed made, laundry put away, dishes-free sink, sparkly bathroom...

no wonder rich folks will go thru so much for a good maid.

giving thanks

i've found that this can serve as an immediate cheer-me-up or, at least a getting-thru-the-day.

after being violated, stolen from, getting bad news from several sources, and being exceedingly stressed out--all within the last 2 months--i really need to be grateful for something in order to balance out what i feel i've lost. so.

friends who double as prayer partners
my warriors & their protection which surrounds me and my home
family
geico! (they really are great. lol)
ile mi
fresh fruit...especially sinfully sweet, juicy nectarines
oyin
vacation time
sympathetic cats (thanks, 'dare)
geles in all their manifestations
omi tutu
rental cars & free upgrades
netflix
paper moon diner
the way he always lets me cry on his shoulder
summer
cool breezes
french fries
the understanding that things are just that, and can be replaced
moon cycles & the power they bring

lazy blog

aka when i don't write jack, i just give you links i've stumbled upon lately. lol.

bi kidude

damn, is it that deep?

afrobella

my uterus, my business

the beauty of africa

living in sin

ori tutu

it's still a struggle...

thankfully, as i write this, i'm not financially strapped. but i do need to clean the house. and buy soap...lol.

more than anything, i'm wondering what needs to be done to ensure that these inconveniences and setbacks do not continue.

is something trying to get my attention?
is there something i need to repel?

is it just the usual bullshit that tries to keep you down when you get your foot on the path? the fkupedness of urban living?

whatever it is, i firmly intend to nip it in the bud. posthaste.


p.s.--as long as i have your attention, please rent/buy/somehow see this movie. it was made in the 80s, so the special effects can be laughter-inducing. but if you can get past that, it's an amazing example of our how our ancestors triumphed over the brutality of slavery. maferefun egungun!

today...

i'm tired, but it's a good tired. nothing like a little hard work to help you move past the mental stress.

feeling blessed in general. prayed for. healing in progress. reaching the balance, slowly but surely.

mon-wed this week. that's it. then a long awaited break. housecleaning, friends, fun, sun.

depending on whether or not i have something more interesting to say later, this might be a placeholder. we'll see.

have a good day, darlings.

mayo

i went to girl scout camp for a couple of years, probably when i was 8-10 years old.

as at most sleep-away camps, many things revolved around the dining hall. we learned how to fold and unfold the flag into a triangle. we put it up in the morning, and retired it at night.

we literally sang for our supper: you sang to get in the hall, you sang to see who would get served first, who got to leave to go to the pool first (loudest group won)...we sang grace, too.

each day, one camp would arrive early to set the tables and serve. that meant one or two people from your camp sat at each table, and you were something of a waitress for everyone else that day. everyone rotated, so everyone had the experience of serving and being served.

one of the folks in the kitchen was a black woman named mayo--at least that's what we called her. not even "miss mayo", which--as a properly raised quasi-southern young girl--would have been her proper title. just mayo.

mayo loved us. she gave us treats for our hikes, smiled at us as we came through the kitchen. she probably called us things like "baby" and "honey", too.

i'm sure she gave everyone those treats and those smiles. but--in the spirit of the best teachers and grandmothers--she had a wonderful way of making you feel like you were the only camp she was giving treats to that day.

i'd never seen anyone like her. i was used to large people; my family is tall on both sides. but mayo was tall and wide.

it was impossible to tell how old she was. she could have been 40, she could have been 80.

and she was dark. up until then, i'd never met anyone who was as literally black as this woman was. she wasn't what we'd call blue-black, but she shone.

she was loud, too, but not crude. her voice had a natural resonance that she either could not or did not want to contain. if she was annoyed, it was rolling thunder. if she was happy, it was an endearing, steady hum. there was something utterly southern about her.

i am certain i had to have had ancestors like her, but she's the closest representation i've seen in the flesh, before or since, of what we must have been like somewhere between africa and the first couple generations who had english as a first language.

obviously, she left an impression.

every so often, i think of her. i have no idea why.
but, it moved me to write, so i went with it.

mama mayo, wherever you are, i pray you are blessed.

ashe.

show of strength

some days it's amazing that i find a way to keep from screaming.

i can't believe that i'm not sitting here in tears, babbling like an idiot.

i don't know if this is strength, or stupidity.
probably survival.
i do need a job, after all.

but this is one of those days i have to hold my breath.

on my way to work, i almost got caught up in the breeze and the sunshine and the brilliance of the trees...not to mention cassandra's voice on the stereo...

and i had to stop it.
suck it all in.
hold back the poems trying to bubble up,
hold back the instinct to find a spot to pour libation and pray,
refuse to dance to the drums playing in my head.

because i knew i had to come in here, and i haven't figured out how to balance ecstacy and professionalism just yet.

obatala, keep my head cool.

today i am grateful for sunshine, laughter, jasper, and just the right song at just the right time.

why the new name, you ask?

ok.
so i made some sweet tea last night

and sitting here, writing poems and junk, trying to embrace an odd mood of combined
inspiration
boredom
prayer
stress (if i don't remind myself of the stress, i'll attempt to gloss over it)
and a particular sort of loneliness
i drank two glasses of it

and now i have a headache
'cause i used white sugar
(bein bad)
instead of the brown sugar and/or honey i've been using in my teas

*sheepish lil girl voice*
i just wanted it to taste like mommy's...

oooohhhh lordy no (c) olly

a moment in psychobabble

this morning while i was in a *yawn* meeting, i decided to write out a list of emotions. i thought it would help me feel a little less haywire. strangely enough, it did. so here goes:

what i'm feeling right now
fatigue, love*, restlessness, faith
anger, resilience, frustration, joy*
happiness, shifting/change*, annoyance, boredom
burnout, patience, decisiveness, effects/passage of time
arid, aggression, fractured, spirit
moody, openness*, power*, blockage
fear, bliss*, impatience, softness
blindness, acceptance, pain


what i need to feel
healing, power, hope, joy
health, bliss, relaxation, compassion
peace, connectivity, accomplishment, abundance
stimulation, love, inspiration, passion
openness, movement, eagerness, change/adaptation
release, beauty, progress, inspiration

*where things are matching up

i'm not sure what i want to do with this information yet. maybe just bringing it into consciousness is enough for the moment.

burnout

i need a break.

i've come to realize that bliss comes in moments when i'm not at work, and don't have to worry about going to work for at least 48 hours. but as soon as i know i need to go back...

he's got a hell of a battle ahead of him.
there are no words i know that can convey how much i love him.
i want him to be ok.
but my ok and god's ok might be very different.

i'm tired of money issues.

i'm tired of working so hard at love that i forget how to play at it.

i feel like i haven't truly relaxed in weeks. the baths and prayers aren't working like they used to.

i don't want to run away from my problems.
i want time and space to regroup so i'll have the strength to face them head on.

i want to feel at peace.
i want to breathe.

to all the girls...

courtesy of group hug:

to all the girls who think they can't have orgasms: you can, you will. just know that the entire issue is mental. there is most likely nothing wrong with you physically. pleasure and pain all exsist in your mind. you have to be turned on. you have to turn yourself on. you cannot allow yourself any guilt over your pleasure. you have to push yourself beyond being uncomfortable with pleasure. expirement [sic] with yourself. and don't be afraid. there is nothing wrong with you. and anyone who tells you that pleasure of that kind is immoral has no grasp on morality. you are normal. you are healthy. and you are allowed to feel good. it's alright.

ecstatic

i'm feelin a way (c) myra

it's like the slightest breeze/touch/bit of perfectly applied pressure will set me off into waves of bliss.

even cooking has given me a slight buzz. the feeling of the food in my hands and the scents of the spices are exhilarating.

there's a feeling of
ripeness
wholeness
warm ripples of honey
fresh water

(i can't even imagine what it would be like to swim right now...good god)

i'm very aware of me. fully in my body.

i think it's been a long time since i've allowed myself that. for a lot of reasons. but it feels fantastic.

i'm gonna have to ride this til the wheels fall off. gotdamn.

today i am thankful for oshun's blessings.

goddess be praised...

i always love being a woman, but there are days when i am simply in awe of it.

understanding the power and beauty inherent in my bliss is simply...thrilling.

i've found a groove, and i'm grateful for it.

up earlier than i wanted to be, but that's all right. i have more of the day to play in. and it will be a beautiful one: plenty of heat and sunshine, low humidity...ahhhhh.

gonna do a few sun salutations before i get in the shower...

i'll make a heavenly shea butter concoction to rub into my scalp after my shampoo. treat my ori to some deliciousness.

still planning on getting some writing done...

this is gonna be a good weekend. finances be damned.

adupe egungun mi
adupe ori mi
adupe osun! ori yeye o!
adupe sango...kawo kabiyesile! baba aladufe!

peace & sunshine, y'all.

the magdalene

...and jesus had a wife (c) saul williams

...peter added:
"how is it possible that the teacher talked in this manner with a woman about secrets of which we ourselves are ignorant? must we change our customs, and listen to this woman? did he really choos her, and prefer her to us?"

then mary wept, and answered him:
"my brother peter, what can you be thinking? do you believe that this is just my own imagination, that i invented this vision? or do you believe that i would lie about our teacher?"

at this, levi spoke up:
"peter, you have always been hot-tempered, and now we see you repudiating a woman, just as our adversaries do. yet if the teacher held her worthy, who are you to reject her?

~the gospel of mary magdalene, p.17, v. 14-20; p.18, v.1-12

feelin like...

feelin like
brown sugar bubblin up into
sweet sticky caramel

full of
sweet things and
fire

illuminated
golden

me.

feed me...

i've been feeling hungry again.
so, naturally, now i want to know what i'm hungry for.

it doesn't feel so much like a need for travel like last time. could be related to the baby issue. maybe a reminder to get crackin on the job hunt? i don't know.

last night i did some offerings, but i couldn't really bring myself to pray--at least not aloud. i rested in my sacred space, trying to focus and make an effort to be present. there wasn't much else i could bring myself to do aside from listening to the thunder.

i've been working with my energy a lot lately...noting ups and downs, channeling it into experiments with card reading, prayer, sometimes writing. it's been a challenge, trying to keep from falling into old patterns of inaction and apathy, but i think i've done a good job.

but the hunger is a sign that i need more.

the journey continues...

today i am thankful for...

mothers
shea butter
prayer
old navy
candles
breakfast. at 2pm. with him.
thunder
love
sunshine
comfortable beds
cats
clean kitchens
possessing a gspot
books and the time to read them
peace
orgasms
music
cool summers
forgiveness
tank tops

possibilities

i've had several conversations lately about children...how someone's babies were doing, how they're growing, and when i'm going to have some of my own.

most of my life i've been pretty ambiguous about the prospect of being a mother. my mother's family is not what anyone would call prolific. it's never been impressed upon me that i must have children. it's a choice that i've been taught to treat with the utmost care, esteem, and respect. you don't just have babies just to have them, and you don't have them young if you can help it.

that said, something in me fully awakened today.

i want a baby.
i want to experience gestation, creation.
facilitate the entry of a new/old soul.

it's like...there's a room in the center of my body that wasn't there before. i want to decorate it with flowers and beautiful colors, soft light and sweet words.

i want to be full of life and love and possibilities--not that i'm lacking that, but to share those things with the universe in the process of developing a human being...

wow.

flying jewels

i went to feed my meter this afternoon, and there was the most beautiful black and gold dragonfly resting on my radio antenna. it looked like a golden brooch with onyx accents.

i didn't even think we had pretty dragonflies here...i've only seen the dull gray-blue ones. i love when nature gives me pretty little surprises.

caged bird seeks opportunities for flight...

i'm beginning to soften a bit about honey.

i don't feel as angry. but i'm still distrustful. he's being very gentle, loving. but i'm more closed to it than i'd like to be.

i miss him, i love him, but i still need time.

time is something i've taken more than a few liberties with when it comes to my heart. i have this way of using stepping stone relationships to fill the spaces between more in-depth encounters. very interesting people tend to fall across my path. i think "why not?".

there also tend to be consequences--at least for the poor fellow(s) who happen to wander my way.

i admit that i enjoy being liked. i like being fawned over. i enjoy flexing my empathic muscles during the game of getting to know someone.

i've done all my self examination and checked in with my feelings and this and that...

i understand the need for grounding. but i also want to spread my wings. it's becoming very difficult to think of this relationship as something other than a weight on my ankles.

i know it can be more than that, however, a lot of that potential rests on his development.

can i wait for that?
and if i can, what do i need to do for myself in the meantime?