green cleanse: day 4

lunch/snacks: chlorophyll water, honeydew melon, mutsu apple (had them at the farmer's market...yum!), big green salad w/ avocado & green goddess dressing.  spirulina/hempseed/coconut water drink w/ honey.

dinner: pear

so i come in the office, and what's in the kitchen? bread and butter!

i love bread.

anyway, had a few cashews after i finished my brussles sprouts, which helped me feel full for the rest of the evening, particularly since i wasn't at home and couldn't just grab a handful of grapes or something.  i find that i really miss snack-type foods during these exercises. fruit is helpful, but i love potato chips, popcorn...that kind of thing.

i was running late and didn't make my detox tea or take my green pills. i did, however, have a small glass of orange juice and a probiotic chewable. i'm wary of taking green pills in the evening because they can amp me up and make it hard to sleep.  but, for the sake of consistency, i'll likely take them with dinner.

green cleanse: day 3

breakfast: orange juice w/ chlorophyll

lunch/snacks: cabbage salad, green apple, green grapes

dinner: roasted brussels sprouts

a conversation at lunch has me excited about all the things i'm looking forward to eating...

that said, i'm not experiencing any real cravings yet, although i'm beginning to really want some bread.  

i would make the cabbage salad again, maybe for a spring/summer potluck. i'm not too fond of vinegar* , so i might use less of that, and a touch more sea salt. the amount of red pepper was just right and gave it a good kick.  it's also surprisingly filling. i had my apple for "dessert" and some more grapes towards the end of the day, and have not felt hungry. 

the variety's been pretty amazing.  i would recommend always going into a cleansing/fast with a clear regimen and/or recipes.  it helps tremendously, especially when you start feeling "bored" with the whole thing.  

i am experiencing deeper sleep, but there's a heaviness to it.  it's not the pop-up-at-5am-with-no-alarm clarity that tends to come a little later down the road.  i wonder if that's not something i can expect since this isn't a juice/water fast.

in the past, i've concluded fasts with a water-only day. i haven't decided if i want to do that this time around.  



*i use apple cider vinegar for just about everything involving cooking/consumption.  i keep white vinegar for house cleaning, but that's about it.

green cleanse: day 2*

breakfast: slightly diluted mango nectar, green pills, soy yogurt, green delicious apple

snacks: fruit salad (honeydew, grapes, pear), chlorophyll water

lunch: big green salad (celery, cucumber, spinach, romaine, parsley) w/ green goddess dressing
(salad was also supposed to have watercress, but i accidentally picked up mint instead. gonna find something to do with it...)

dinner:  green beans sauteed with garlic/ginger/scallions, steamed broccoli, big green salad w/ regular (tahini-based) goddess dressing

noted this morning that the moon's almost new (waning crescent)...good time for this new beginning.  new moon's on the 12th, day before odunde. those will be powerful prayers! 

last night's yoga made me slightly sore and a little tired, but i'm grateful for it because it often lets me know where i'm holding tension in my body.  i'm feeling my inner thighs, upper arms, and wrists the most.

addendum: tummy rumbles started this evening. glad i had the mint on hand. i didn't realize you could just steep the leaves in boiling water for about 15 minutes and bam. tea. that's all tea is anyway...but we're so used to packaging and such...

i'm also enjoying the recipes on the site. i made the cabbage salad for lunch tomorrow.  will let you know how it turns out.


*pics of food and other info as i learn it on facebook.

green cleanse: day 1

i decided to do this green cleanse after having a few friends mention it. people seem to have interesting results, and i am long overdue for a cleansing/fast/"conscious eating" practice.

i'm semi-officially starting today, and will continue eating this way for 14 days.  if all goes well, this will take me to june 20-21...right around the summer solstice.

i will need to variate from the plan a bit. i just finished a course of antibiotics for a sinus infection, so i need to maintain a probiotic regimen for at least the first 5-7 days.  

in the absence of a juicer, it's also unlikely that i'll only be drinking green drinks, although i will stick to water, 100% juices and herbal teas as much as possible. 

starting tomorrow, i'll be taking chlorophyll (in juice) and green pills as part of breakfast in the morning.  i also want to have at least one cup of "detox" tea every other day, if not daily.

this time will also be used to build an ori altar, continue some heart chakra healing, and narrow down my housing search.

first green meal/snack: roasted brussles sprouts 
dinner: large green salad with freshly made green goddess dressing

also consumed today: some "fruit and nut" trail mix, peppermint tea, grapefruit, soy yogurt, lemonade*



*i have some juices in the fridge that i want to get rid of in the first few days. same with the soy yogurt. after that, i'll just be taking chewable probiotic tablets. the grapefruit is the last of 3 i bought to help with the clearing of the sinus infection (they're great for getting rid of mucus in the body). ideally, in the next 3-4 days, my diet should be fully "green".

mid-cold gratitude

my "summer" kinda sucks so far.

after a 2-day meeting at work, i was all ready to come into my 4 day weekend with a bang.

i did. or, at least my sinuses did.  the bad sort of bang. 

but, in the spirit of not complaining, i tried to think of the good in being stuck in bed for a few days.  that started with a couple of status updates on facebook. an extended version follows.

gratitude in illness

i'm inspired to own more kaftans. they're ridiculously comfy!

the weather's held out. it's been comfortably cool the last few days...barely even need a fan. i don't know WHAT i would have done if i had to be stuck in here in 90-100 degree weather.

i have a vision for my ori altar.

i made a yummy pot of soup for myself - even though i barely tasted it.

had some great, extended phone conversations.

although it REALLY sucks that i missed her & janelle monae, i'm glad i didn't buy advance tickets to the erykah concert. i probably would have been more miserable if i'd gone.

"those damn mexicans" - oh really?

you have to see this.

you just have to.

scar tissue

the last few days have reminded me of the continual nature of healing.

once you truly, deeply begin, it's never really finished. you might go away for weeks or years, but eventually it will return to you, or you will return to it.

it's that scar your eye wanders to whenever you look in the mirror. you know it's there, but you check every so often to see if it's changed. sometimes you could swear it still aches or itches.  you might wince, fully remembering the original pain, the blood, how you thought it would never close.  most often, though, you just glance over it while you're putting on makeup or checking for dirt on your face, not even giving it a second thought. 

in the last week or so, i've had an epiphany or two, unintentionally shared some deep secrets, continued some old conversations.  i'm grateful, even though it's all left me feeling a little raw.

i'm reading a book that's speaking to feelings, dreams and experiences that i haven't shared aloud with many.  i'm still apprehensive about expressing all the thoughts it's sparking, but i know they'll need to emerge eventually.

i blame retrograde.  particularly since it came in taurus...a sign that's always evoked a deeply honest emotional and sensual response in me.   

through it all, i am still loved and loving.  expanding.  making connections.  refusing fear, even in the midst of being afraid.

gotta keep moving...

um...what?

i cannot and never will be able to deal with this without my head exploding.

if you can, more power.

thank you, and good night.

malena

i watched malena last night, and it broke my heart. i found myself tearfully recalling all my sympathy for those other women.

to me, it was a poignant statement on just how deeply dysfunctional the madonna/whore dichotomy is, forcing us into boxes that cause us to hurt ourselves and one another.

[SPOILER ALERT: if malena's a film you think you might wanna see, stop reading now, 'cause i'm gonna give away some key plot elements...]

cohesion

for a moment, i had doubts that the integration was working, that it was the right thing.

then, i actually received a couple of signs...

the first came from the billboard on a friend's church, saying, "live your resurrection". i almost took a picture.

the other: a spider crawling across my windshield. i have a serious case of arachnophobia, but i know grandmother is trying to guide me out of that fear so she can help me weave the threads of myself together.

all that to say, if you ask for a sign - or even if you don't - keep your eyes open. the universe is always conspiring to bring you what you need. 

oh, henry.

apparently, skip gates is at it again.

having read this in full, i realize i don't have the desire to go fully in on this white supremacy - in the theoretical/academic sense - apologist.

as sista jo so aptly said, "...and this is precisely why they champion him. He tells their version of our story"; a perfect example of what happens when the hunter (or the hunter's minion) writes the history instead of the lion. 

i do, however, wish to point out a few things.

Advocates of reparations for the descendants of those slaves generally ignore this untidy problem of the significant role that Africans played in the trade, choosing to believe the romanticized version that our ancestors were all kidnapped unawares by evil white men, like Kunta Kinte was in “Roots.” The truth, however, is much more complex: slavery was a business, highly organized and lucrative for European buyers and African sellers alike.

right about the business (kinda), wrong about the reparations.

from everything i've ever seen, the common ground in the case for reparations is the disproportionate contribution free slave labor made to the bloated wealth america enjoys today.  that's what we're owed for. period.

to paraphrase another brilliantly obvious twitter observation, africa didn't profit from the slave trade. as with any other capitalist power move, a few elites profited from the slave trade - which ain't the same thing. the maafa initiated a severe brain drain that continues to this day.

most regular african folks just suffered.  just like the enslaved folks here.

moving on...

For many African-Americans, these facts can be difficult to accept. Excuses run the gamut, from “Africans didn’t know how harsh slavery in America was” and “Slavery in Africa was, by comparison, humane” or, in a bizarre version of “The devil made me do it,” “Africans were driven to this only by the unprecedented profits offered by greedy European countries.”

But the sad truth is that the conquest and capture of Africans and their sale to Europeans was one of the main sources of foreign exchange for several African kingdoms for a very long time. Slaves were the main export of the kingdom of Kongo; the Asante Empire in Ghana exported slaves and used the profits to import gold. Queen Njinga, the brilliant 17th-century monarch of the Mbundu, waged wars of resistance against the Portuguese but also conquered polities as far as 500 miles inland and sold her captives to the Portuguese. When Njinga converted to Christianity, she sold African traditional religious leaders into slavery, claiming they had violated her new Christian precepts.

speak for yourself, dude. these facts aren't difficult to accept, they are what they are. for anyone who's studied this history, we know that whitefolks did any and everything in their power to win over whoever they could to feed their machine, and some africans played along.

it's known that slave trading has occurred in africa since the arabs came and conquered colonized spread islam all up and through west africa.  before that, there were inter-ethnic conflicts. everyone who's ever read  chancellor williams understands that it's been eons since there was anything resembling african unity in a social sense, despite the various examples of cultural unity.

however, that slavery was nothing like chattel slavery in the west. typically, slavery was not a permanent condition, did not render you less than human, and did not apply to your children and their children.  enslaved people had a particular set of rights, and harsh masters were sometimes shamed socially.

no matter what these african monarchs and elites may have been allowed to see on a slave ship or when they arrived in europe, it is possible that they had no cultural/psychological grasp of how dehumanizing the systems of black enslavement were in europe and the americas.  it is possible that they literally could not even imagine it, given their life experience.   

but even if i give gates the benefit of the doubt here, the bottom line is that talkin all this trash without even a glance to the equally, er, "complex" history of arabia/islam in west africa is foolish, at best.

oh, i'm sorry. i forgot.  you're just looking to make another drop in the soundbite bucket of "post-racial" america. my bad. 

then there was this gem:

And there were thousands of former slaves who returned to settle Liberia and Sierra Leone. The Middle Passage, in other words, was sometimes a two-way street. Under these circumstances, it is difficult to claim that Africans were ignorant or innocent [emphasis added].

skip, sweetheart? the middle passage was never, ever a two way street. it was a one-way ticket to hell. whether that hell was reached through "willingly" (think of the social/economic/psychic pressures here...) relinquishing one's culture, language and spirit to supplant them with european ways, or being stifled in the cargo hold of the henrietta marie.

i see what you were trying to say, but...very poor choice of words.

now, the absurd conclusion:

Fortunately, in President Obama, the child of an African and an American, we finally have a leader who is uniquely positioned to bridge the great reparations divide. He is uniquely placed to publicly attribute responsibility and culpability where they truly belong, to white people and black people, on both sides of the Atlantic, complicit alike in one of the greatest evils in the history of civilization. And reaching that understanding is a vital precursor to any just and lasting agreement on the divisive issue of slavery reparations.

obama is uniquely positioned to understand the insanity of race relations in america. i believe that.  but all that there? you're trying too hard.

it's glaringly obvious that you'd do well to undo some of your monocultural, classist, seemingly "objective" thinking before attempting to speak on this again.  otherwise, you're only convincing the same whitefolks who have used this same, short-sighted argument time and again to deny their role in perpetuating and profiting from a system that traumatized the entire world.


for more on this, check out:
kwame shabazz
problemchylde
brother jesse's blog
the root (by michael gomez)
the griot (by dr. boyce watkins)
nigerian village square (by paul adujie)

truce

i wound up speaking with him...i probably shouldn't be surprised, considering mercury's retrograde.

although it began awkwardly, the timing was actually perfect in its own way. and the ancestors held my hand through the whole thing.

it's nice to see that chapter coming to a close in such an unexpectedly peaceful way. especially when there's so much in front of me.

pushing forward...

*waving hello*

i'm astonished that there seem to be so many folks stopping through here.  some probably on random web searches...but still.

i'd love for y'all to say hi! ...well, unless you're spammers or something.

otherwise, don't be shy. join the conversation!

self love #8

one of my favorite shots of myself...one of the first i took with my first digital camera a few yrs ago.

outlier (cont)

the same facebook page linked to this piece later on. it's written by a yoruba woman and feels a little more comprehensive.

given this beginning, i'm gonna keep my eyes open for stories of the "other" women...

there's definitely more to this.

outlier

in today's internet travels, i came across this paper about sexuality in yoruba culture.

i enjoyed reading it, as i always enjoy further insight into yoruba culture in particular and african cultures in general. but i'm almost always left feeling like the odd woman out.*

as i've said before, i completely respect and honor the places and spaces of wife and mother. and the tenets of the yoruba ideal definitely feel more sane than 99% of the messaging we get growing up women of color in america.

but the "am i bad/wrong/weird/tainted??!?" stuff creeps up anyway...like, i wonder if i'd be "proper" even if i were raised within that context...and if i were "proper", i'd probably be very unhappy.

on the other hand, maybe i'd just need a "secret concubine" or two?

see, THOSE are the women i wanna know about...they feel like the ones i can relate to.

but i suppose they don't write papers...


*not that i have shit on gbltqi folks who are practically invisible in these discussions, and whose stories--even in cultures that were inclusive/accepting pre-european contact--have been eradicated, obscured, lied on/about or dismissed as folly.  i'm speaking personally as a cis, straight black woman since the author is outlining "my" ideal sensual life as a student and spiritual devotee of the culture.  hence, i chose not to delve into the problematic aspects of the gender binary, lack of queer/alternative perspective, etc as i've done elsewhere.  

however, i also read a great summation of the 4th annual africa conference on sexual health and rights today that touches on precisely those issues, as well as disability. 

in like a lamb, out like a lion

march was full...all kinds of travel, a blissful birthday, and lots of pleasant, deeply welcome surprises...

i tend to write more (and better) when i'm settled, so all the running around has taken me away from my creative projects.  but if you'd like an update...

i am saddened by the recent DC shootings and disappointed by offshore drilling plans. erykah's still giving me hope that there is some creativity left in the world, and i am always grateful for good news about africa.

haiti is still on my heart, and i pray for a merciful hurricane season for us all.  i'm unnerved by the differing faces and levels of terrorism both abroad and at home.

i am also reading armah's two thousand seasons, which is still so relevant to the ongoing struggle within the hearts, minds and spirits of black folks.  i know affordable copies can be hard to find; i got mine here, thanks to bilal sankofa. it's a jewel.

so...that's a snapshot of my life at the moment.  hopefully i'll be rambling on and on about something on these virtual pages very soon.

be blessed,

omi

an apprehensive honesty

this morning i realized that he still scares me a little.

loving someone with abusive tendencies changes you. all the things you have to learn to keep yourself safe--as safe as possible anyway. the subconscious adjustments you make to keep things peaceful...

i still fear an unwelcome conversation leading to some kind of tirade, or triggering a random meltdown that i'll have to clean up. the thought of a random sighting makes me want to fall through the floor.

i refused hiding months ago, but i haven't taken out a billboard, blown up any spots or confronted anyone other than him.  i am content to tell my truth here and to my journals, and leave it at that.

psychologically, i realize he's probably done his own healing since we stopped speaking. if it's real, deep and lasting healing, good for him. i give thanks, because that would mean another sista won't experience him as i did.

emotionally, all i know is who he was with me.  no matter what he says, how many times he apologizes, or how adamantly he refuses to be "held back" by his "past" actions, i, personally, have not seen (and don't necessarily need to see) the new and improved version.  in my mind, he still only does enough to get by, skipping over the truly messy parts in attempts to create false utopias. he is/was a hurt person who hurt me, period.

the anger is gone and i've been able to forgive, but i doubt i'll ever be able to disassociate him from those things. it's sad, but it's real, and nothing but time (?) will change it.  

apparently, the next step is reaffirming his existence and honoring the places where we (indirectly) intersect.

he's still on the planet even if he's not in your world.  there's no sense in pretending he isn't. 

when i can have that thought without cringing, i'll be able to claim another small victory.

iba yemonja

she tapped into something here...

(this was about an esthero song that she took down...bummer. but i still love her with all my heart.)

an uneasy love

i listened to the entire saviour's day address on sunday...

i've seen minister farrakhan speak in person, and i have long respected his views and insights on social issues, not to mention his unwavering wisdom in presenting a united front in the face of all the things black folks face in this country.  he is gifted orator, respected leader and elder.

where we disagree: the undercurrent of percieved "jewish world rule", religious dogma, views on women, the perpetuation of compulsory heterosexuality and gender "norms"--honestly, possibly more than we agree on.  i also recognize that he is a manifesation of several ways in which black male hegemony can force sistas into several corners at once.

and, of course, there's all that business with brother malcolm.  

on sunday--more than ever--i found myself having to separate the wheat from the chaff; the message was unclear, and that disturbed me a bit.

full disclosure: i completely acknowledge that part of the reason for the lack of clarity could be my never having been affiliated with the nation.  some of it wasn't for me--i get that.

even so, i wondered how damaging and dangerous certain implications can be when many who are hanging on your every word don't have the tools to make those subtle distinctions, no matter how much critical thinking you teach at the mosque.

in my humble opinion, min. farrakhan--like the rest of us--holds a piece of the truth. i certainly do not deny the existence of spiritual vision, clairvoyance and the like.  all that still didn't stop me from feeling, at a gut level, that his deep allegiance to the problematic lineage of the NOI and its leaders skews the ways that truth is expressed.

in other words, it's possible that some of the leaps he has to take to make things fit within the islamic--such as it is--framework wind up feeling like half-truths.

i see the same thing with christians squeezing in holistic attitudes about, say, sex or liberal social policies. yes, it's there if you dig long and hard enough, or if you prioritize the words and deeds of yeshua above all else. but outside of that is a whole tome based on spiritual superiority and other oppressive power structures/hierarchies, the absolute authority of men/masculinity, the evil inherent in human beings, etc and so on.

the foundation matters.  if you're going to use the master's tools, you can only shift the paradigm so far. 

that said, i will always keep my eyes and ears open for an opportunity to hear the minister speak, and i'm sure i will still tend to agree with him when he says things like (and i paraphrase), "we like you, obama, but if you keep beating their drums of war, we won't follow."

but i have to trust my intuition, and lots of bells and whistles were going off sunday afternoon.  

by the time he closed--"right on!" moments aside--i couldn't shake the feeling that the line between respected leader and cult of personality-leader was being danced upon.  or crossed. 

only time will tell.

spiritual repression in haiti

see here.

hoping for the best

well, [my march horoscope looked] good.

i suppose we'll see what happens...

it's complicated

someone posted this on facebook yesterday.

overall, it's beautifully written. i think the sentiment is sincere.

but it also assumes a level of choice that many communities of color do not/did not have in the "creolization" of themselves.

in other words, a modern day jewish woman's decision to marry a hindu man--both of you knowing your extended family histories--is a little different than the hows and whys surrounding the reasons native americans/1st nations, black folks, and latin@s exist in a variety of shades and hair textures.

and by a "little" different, i mean a lot.

it's difficult for me to allow the author to explain that away--however poetically--to solidify her child's multi-ethnic identity, even as i agree that, in her family's case, "no such thing as half" is relatively true.

her daughter can be everything at once because it's now.

born 60, 70--even 20 or 30 years ago, depending--she would have been jewish. period.  and her mormon dad probably would have had an awfully hard way to go.

i'm also assuming that, phenotypically, the author, her husband and daughter present as white/european-descended.  how many people--outside of her spiritual spheres--are going to ask her if she's "half" anything?

see how fuzzy that gets? 

what do y'all think when you read this?

kiddie dreams

i've been watching the olympics--as i'm wont to do when they come around--and all these visa (*blink*) commercials about olympians and their childhood dreams got me thinking: did i have those sorts of huge, grandiose thoughts as a little girl?  could they be a window into my purpose now?

obviously, it was nothing as singularly minded as mastering a sport or hobby.

but i did. 

whenever i watched the oscars, i'd practice/envision my acceptance speech.  for best original screenplay.*  

and i was always pretending to be interviewed about stuff.**   i expected that i would be important/cool/___ enough that folks would want to ask me questions about...something.

so...i should be a screenwriting actress who gives fabulous interviews.

i could live with that.


*in other words, when most little girls are probably dreaming about winning best actress, or at least being the star,  i'm sitting there thinking i'm gonna WRITE the best movie.  however, my mother maintains that i used to declare my desire to be an actress.  so maybe it was a little of both. 

**i still do, kinda (don't tell anyone...).  this is probably why i really like formspring.  somebody with that same childhood-based compulsion probably came up with it.

some thursday navel gazing...

lately i feel like a big ball of "i want" and "i need".  i get sick of the whining in my own head.

i'm doing my level best to fulfill as many of those needs for myself as possible. i do pretty well, if i do say so myself.

but it does get tiring.

i often find myself wishing i could be babied a little. have someone else do some small stuff so i can dream a little longer. get hugs on demand.

this is when i realize how isolating the last few years of my life have been. and it makes me wonder if there is anything worth putting that kind of laser-focus on for more than a few months at a time. when i dive into something important, i dive deep, sometimes to the exclusion of many other things.

am i too multi-faceted for that? should i always keep a certain level of stimulation coming from several different angles?

this is not to suggest regret.  i realize that focus created what was--at the time--a safe space.  and i needed to learn those lessons.  but now that i'm past 30, i would never want to spend that length of time on anything without some semblance of a guarantee that  my efforts were going to come to fruition. 

this is also why finding one thing to be "when i grow up" is so difficult...i see too many angles, too many possibilities. even singular things encompass many aspects...

and why do i always go through this shit right before my birthday?!?!

i think too damn much.

that's probably the answer to everything.

today's thought

working towards synthesis is exhausting.

i'm a soldier in the army

every now and then, the perfect song comes out and fits right into your life...

i'm a soldier of love.

the first dozen times i listened, as the words started to emerge from the melody, i was captivated. 

i've been torn up inside / i've been left behind / tall i ride / i have the will to survive...pain. loss. memory. the struggle for sanity in the midst of rejection.

when she soars into i am love's soldier, then dips into i wait for the sound...

perfection.

sade's given us so many gifts...sweet taboos, bulletproof souls...and now she's channeled an anthem for those of us who didn't have a name until now. 

do we really have to wonder why we forgive her for abandoning us for decades at a time?

the rape tunnel

{trigger warning - source material discusses rape in a dismissive, denying manner}

{addendum: apparently, it's a hoax. but the sentiment still stands.}

art should heal.
promote discussion.
uplift.
agitate.
inspire.

of course, art often depicts pain.

sometimes the artist opts for some level of self-harm. not big on that, but they are the purveyor of their domain.

that said, i would maintain that art should not hurt the observer--unless it is in the context of revealing a stark truth or reality in the interest of unpacking, analyzing, and reevaluating said truth for the betterment of the community/society as a whole.


but since when is deliberately setting out to rape someone art?  and what's with the cavalier attitude?

[Sheila Zareno] But rape is way more extreme than [his last project which involved] a punch to the face. Is your intention to ruin people’s lives?

["artist" Richard Whitehurst] Possibly. I’m not necessarily concerned with the positive or negative effects of this project so long as there is some effect on people’s lives. I’ve merely set up a situation where there is potential to impact people in meaningful ways. Maybe I won’t be able to rape everyone who crawls through the tunnel, but the door is open for all kinds of scenarios; rape, serious injury, maybe even death. I might even get arrested.

Right now the installation isn’t even complete, and I’ve riled up a substantial portion of the local population. The installation as an idea is powerful enough itself.

um, what?

cloaking your misogyny and misanthropy behind "art" is...pretty fking lame, dude.

i tried...

i tried
so many days
so many nights
through so many tears
to say just this...

but when my patience meets self preservation, it's hard to hold on.

an unorthodox valentine

i've heard just about every compliment a woman would want to hear. and they were sincere...

i appreciated them all, whether musings on my intellect, my physical attributes, or something inbetween.

more than just sweet-talked, i have been genuinely loved, admired, sought after.

some stayed a few weeks, others a few years.

i'm grateful for the love i've had.

but, today, i'm longing for the love i've yet to find...

a teaching from dan smoke

from protecting the circle - aboriginal men ending violence against women

an unhealthy man is someone who hangs on to his wayward ways of youth. drinking, violence, machismo, relationship hopping and being a poor role model are some of these ways. they refuse to grow up and walk a man's path--they are still adolescents in a man's body. these 'boys' certainly don't learn from their mistakes as men. to the contrary, they will blame others for their poor behaviour. they become psychologically and morally stuck and are fearful of change and growth. these men are particularly afraid of strong women. they will deliberately seek out a woman who they can control and not a true partner. intimacy will be too scary for them.

on the other hand, an imperfect healthy man will grow up from his wayward ways. he will stop unhealthy behavior that brought him thrills, shame and confusion as a young man... he will cry, say i'm sorry and live life as if his past relatives are always watching... this man...will check in with others and himself to see if his path is a true one.

yes. i want to.

one day, two loves

it wasn't until today that i realized my grandfather and bob marley share a birthday.

they couldn't have less in common. LOL.

but i love them both.

thank you, pop-pop, for your love and your crochety old man-ness. for teaching me patience. and football. and, now, for your unwavering protection and guidance.

thank you, bob, for the music, the message, the love.

adupe ooo egun. iba ara t'orun. ase o.

ain't no half steppin'

{first, let me preface this quasi-rant by saying i do sincerely hope those that transitioned as a result of what appears to be a very unfortunate accident are at peace, and that their families are comforted at this time.}

sigh.

that's all i could do when i heard about the james arthur ray incident this morning.  somehow i didn't hear about it at all back in october.  i have a love/hate relationship with the news...

aside from the fact that the secret is woefully incomplete in its approach--as noted by imakhu mwt shekemet in her description of her cowrie blessings book--this is an example of what happens when cultural misappropriation and white privilege go terribly wrong.

ray's assertion that he "sought out" these methods does not mean he knew the proper prayers, incantations and ritual items to ensure that everyone involved in the ritual would be safe. not everyone who seeks knowledge is taught.

his website states that a "native american expert" was involved in the construction of the lodge, but...did ray divine and/or note omens to discern an auspicious time? invoke the proper energies? or did he just learn how to build the structure?

also a little interested in how he's drawing folks to a $9,000-a-head retreat but doesn't have bail money.

other than the loss of life and injuries incurred, my concern is that a centuries-old tradition of healing and renewal will now be maligned because of the actions of folks too arrogant to realize they didn't know what the fk they were doing.

or, if you prefer a more legalized statement:

There certainly may be potential criminal exposure for Mr. Ray and others in this case as well. Among the questions on prosecutorial review would be -- whether James A. Ray intentionally and/or knowingly inflicted harm upon retreat members -- and whether he was competent to hold such an event in the first place or fraudulently misrepresented his capabilities for his own personal profit...


Such issues seem to be inherent in the realm of self-appointed spiritual leaders.


In short, one cannot attempt to monetarily benefit from the exploitation of spiritual practices of other cultures without taking reasonable precautions to assure the safety of paying participants. A person such as Mr. Ray cannot self-appoint himself as the guru, adapt his own method of spiritual enlightenment and be insulated from the general laws of negligence that apply to such gatherings. The lack of medical personnel present, as well as the apparent disconnect between reality and what Ray saw as spiritual enlightenment bear this out. Ignorance can result in fatalities or severe injuries when foresight and exercise of due care are lacking. In Sedona, Arizona, thus far it appears the evidence shows that it was.

you cannot rise by standing on my neck. (c) dopegirlfresh

was reminded of this earlier in the week.

some highlights:

1. I don't have to choose my race over my sex in political matters.

7. I can live my life without ever having read black feminist authors, or knowing about black women's history, or black women's issues.

8. I can be a part of a black liberation organization like the Black Panther Party where an "out" rapist Eldridge Cleaver can assume leadership position.

41. I can believe that the success of the black family is dependent on returning men to their historical place within the family, rather than in promoting policies that strengthen black women's independence, or that provide social benefits to black children.

68. I know that the further I go in education the more success I will have with women.

74. I can choose to be emotionally withdrawn and not communicate in a relationships and it be considered unfortunate but normal.

75. I can dismissively refer to another persons grievances as ^*ing.

76. I have the privilege of not knowing what words and concepts like patriarchy, phallocentric, complicity, colluding, and obfuscation mean.

yes, as a black man in america, you DO enjoy some privilege.

i know that's a loaded word, but in an anti-oppression context, privilege deals with how much societal "value" you carry.  for instance: i am a black woman, but i'm also straight, cis-gender, able-bodied, college educated, and from a middle class background. all of those things give me an "advantage" in society over a queer, poor sista--even though much of the {mostly black male} parlance would have you think we're all in this together.

to a degree, we are.

however, black women have often had to swallow some really offensive behavior and attitudes just to stay in the game. to struggle for freedom with our brothas. to be heard. we've also worked on our own terms.

either way: if you're dissing the sistas, you're not fighting the power.

if you need an example of how it's done:

fem.men.ist
jewel woods
men can stop rape
^SEHU?!
saul willams (especially his book she)

...to start.

pink at the grammys

amazing.

an open love letter

a little something for the future...

addendum: this is pretty much the blueprint, prototype, standard operating procedure, and everything inbetween. i'm not saying i'm gonna make it required reading on the 3rd date, but...yeah. 

because writer's block has taken over...

as seen on tumblr

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:
10. let's run away together.
9. thank you for never leaving me.
8. sometimes "i'm sorry" just isn't enough to make everything ok. even if you really, really mean it. accept that.
7. i like you, but you can REALLY piss me off. but i do like you.
6. i hope you learned that you don't know everything, and that next time you'll be more careful what you ask for.
5. i'd love to give you a hug because it'd mean we were in the same place, together.
4. you're beautiful. i hope you know that. fully.
3. yes, i would. all you had to do was ask, but you never did. {i know this applies to someone...}
2. i know it wouldn't have worked, but...did you feel that, too?
1. let go. be yourself.

Nine things about myself:
9. at this moment, i am more comfortable in my own skin than i've ever been.
8. half my soul is decadent & luxurious, the other half ascetic. i'm constantly balancing the two and intervening in turf wars...
7. i'm trained as a massage therapist.
6. finally, i'm really enjoying writing for its own sake.
5. i have a deep love and respect for animals.
4. I believe I will live a life with financial freedom, peace, excitement, love & happiness {me too!}
3. i enjoy washing dishes.
2. i HATE dusting.
1. i think babies are wonderful, fully capable human beings, in miniature.

Eight ways to win my heart in relationships.
8. Teach me stuff - I love learning {agreed again}
7. copious amounts of affection & attention. not because i'm needy, but because i like reciprocity.
6. ...but also know i'm going to need space sometimes. and you should, too.
5. kindness. compassion. a huge heart...with clear, healthy boundaries. give without exhaustion, love without co-dependency...that kind of thing.
4. know thyself...and how we can balance & compliment one another.
3. get to know my body. please it continually.
2. be unafraid of deep, sensual communion. know how to work with it to strengthen our relationship.
1. respect spirit.  understand my relationship to it. 

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. friends/family
6. food
5. love. love. love.
4. how to put things into words.
3. inspiration
2. realigning with my life's purpose
1. sex

Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. blow out/light candles {depending}
5. make sure the cat's fed so he doesn't wake me at some ungodly hour
4. put on music
3. review the day
2. journal {sometimes}
1. consider the day that's coming...

Five celebrities you admire.
"admire" is a strong word, but as far as i can determine their character...
5. forest whitaker
4. danny glover
3. george clooney
2. tim robbins/susan sarandon
1. ruby dee/ossie davis

Four things you’re wearing right now.
4. um...not wearing 4 things. just a red & white kaftan.
3.
2.
1.

Three songs that you listen to often.
3. "fistful of tears" - maxwell
2. lots of meshell ndegeocello
1. "casa bey" - mos def

Two things you want to do before you die.
2. travel the world
1. share living space/daily life with a man i love.

One confession.
1. i am power-full.

half my heart's in haiti...

i added some links to the sidebar related to haiti relief.

please, do what you can to help the people of this nation.

if you would rather patronize a local benefit, hold a vigil, organize your own fundraiser, light a candle...whatever works.

just do something.

these efforts will need to continue months and likely years into the future (remember katrina).

give now, keep abreast of the needs of the people, and keep giving. keep doing. keep praying.

vive l'ayiti!

gratitude

yesterday, it was hard to sit still while i ate my lunch.

i was nearly overwhelmed with gratitude.

i was raised to say grace, so while i often consider those who are poor and/or hungry when i eat my meals, this is probably the first time i was grateful for the actual act of eating.

the texture of the food...
the smells...
chewing...more texture, more tastes....

easing it down my throat, knowing it would give me strength to go on with the rest of the day.

in the wake of the sheer loss of life in ayiti, i became acutely aware of the gift of possessing spirit AND flesh, and the gifts inherent in that.

spirit lives all around us, protects and blesses us. but it is an honor and a privilege to be in the flesh. to feel, to love, to work, to BE.

...and to eat.

our diverse shades, shapes, abilities and ways of being are all gifts.

if you are here, breathing, owning consciousness, living, you are saved. don't let anybody tell you different.

In the silence that followed, Baby Suggs, holy, offered up to them her great big heart…“Here,” she said, “in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it…No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them! Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face ‘cause they don’t love that either. You got to love it, you! And no, they ain’t in love with your mouth. Yonder, out there, they will see it broken and break it again.What you say out of it they will not heed…What you put into it to nourish your body they will snatch away and give leavins instead. No they don’t love your mouth. You got to love it.

~from toni morrison's beloved

i forgive you.

i realized this morning that i've reached the point of forgiveness.

this is big.

i wasn't specifically aiming for it, but i felt it when it happened.

at first, i just needed keep breathing. that was difficult enough some days.

then there was processing the seething anger.  i was afraid that alone would consume me.

although it doesn't excuse shit, or change what happened, or erase the boundary lines, it is so liberating to know that...i forgive.

give thanks...

odun mi (my year)

new year's eve was full of prayers and desire-renewing.

much of the eclipse list i started in the summer of 2008 is still being fulfilled. and, apparently, the stars are lining up in my favor.

given the trials and challenges of the last couple of years, that is certainly welcome news.

i have known deep pain and heights of pleasure.
i have learned and taught.
i have struggled and endured.

every up seemed to have a down...mirror reflections everywhere. nothing was easy.  i often felt like i had to steal fun or a moment to breathe.

when i asked five goddesses to guide me through 2010, they replied:

• synthesis {gyhldeptis} - a frequent presence in my recent readings. this is an ongoing challenge for me, but one i finally feel comfortable facing. i immediately recognized it as the "hub", or fifth card. the other four i consider resting in the four directions.
• ecstasy {eurynome} - this is core to my being. spiritually, emotionally, physically.
• pleasure {hathor} - also core.
• embracing the shadow {inanna} - another ongoing  challenge. but i am stronger in this than i've ever been.
• creativity {ix chel} - i am more at peace with my gifts than i have been since i was a child/adolescent, and i seek to continue that. 

so that's that.

happy new year.

miracle at st anna

i'm dealing with a ridiculous case of writer's block, so this is a mere placeholder.

but, in a word, spike was robbed.

underworld

as i stated my solstice prayers a few nights ago, i was reminded of the underworld journey...how necessary it can be to disappear from the world and dig deep for strength, knowledge, and power.

After several intense and painful experiences, Inanna is finally freed, thanks to the intervention of the God of Wisdom. On the path returning to the upper world, Inanna rediscovers, one by one, the things she discarded at each of the 7 gates. Each time she pauses to decide whether to keep the skill, belief or symbol of success, or leave it behind, in the process she discovers that even the few she chooses to bring back with her now have different meanings and functions. But, most important, when she re-emerges into her sunny courtyard, Inanna realizes that she is not only Inanna, she now is also her sister Ereshkigal. She has actually reclaimed a part of herself, and in doing so has become whole, wise, powerful and empathetic in a way impossible before she made the journey. [link & emphasis mine.  source]

i am here.
i am encouraged.
i am ready.

who was gonna love me? who was gonna make me feel good?

i watched precious last night, alone, at the local indy theatre.

i didn't go in fully sober; in the absence of company, i enlisted a glass of red wine for backup.  i didn't think it'd be personally triggering, but i knew it'd be painful.  i didn't relish the idea of weeping--if it came to that--in the presence of a bunch of art school kids.

that said, one of the many things that stuck with me was mary's (played by mo'nique) breakdown when confronted with the reality of precious' abuse.

{SPOILER ALERT - descriptions of some pivotal scenes follow}

an exercise in restraint

i've done a bit of meeting and greeting lately. feels good. i am grateful for the confidence and clarity it's brought.  plus, i haven't done deep visualization in a long time, so it's been catalyzing.

it's also reminded me how impatient i can be in the "will he/won't he call" stage.

typically, i don't mind doing a little legwork if i think the guy's worth it. if you want something, go get it, right? 

since i'm nearly always operating from my intuitive, heart-self and not my head, i often see and am attracted to said potential.  therefore, my natural inclination is to give them what they need without deep regard as to whether or not they are able to return the favor.  i always get the basic, "decent guy" packaging, so they are at least willing to try to reciprocate. 

unfortunately, where i can get ocean-deep, they often flounder.  and that's when things fall apart.  so i've decided it's probably better to step back and let them show themselves first.

now more than ever, i am totally focused on cultivating intentionality in my relationships--even in the beginning stages.

love can come and will be reciprocated as applicable. i'm open to that. and i'm still gonna get mine when i want it.  however, there will be no commitment without real, tangible outcomes, and i have no problem stating that very clearly. 

you want me?  that's sweet.  prove it. 

over the last thirteen years, i've learned three big lessons: first, there's a thin line between mysterious, creative depths and the masking of unearthed and unacknowledged pain. second, if i need a crowbar and forceps to approach your psyche, it's not gonna work. third--and probably most important--a well-rehearsed melange of coping and defense mechanisms is not a personality.

lots of really "nice guys" have all that going.  in spades.

so, yeah. i'm ready to hop back on the merry-go-round. 

...just understand that i am heavily armed. 

the integration continues...

{for more on this, check out anything tagged the list}

my current focus is integration and synthesis. i'm still discovering neglected bits and pieces of self that, once found, start outlining their needs and demanding space of their own.

mostly it feels daunting, but i should be excited. i mean, it is exciting, right?  i get to learn new things and move through the world with these wonderfully novel self-bits.  ultimately, that leads to more confidence and strength.

so why am i being so weird about it?

because it'll just make me weirder and set me apart, again.
because it might seem contradictory to some.
because TKON is ever busy and creeping in uninvited.


i'm far better than i used to be, but i still struggle with all of the above, determined to "fit in" to a bunch of bullshit that's not worth my attention. however, what's becoming increasingly obvious is that i fit in where i need to--with other brilliant, unique folks. and i'm meeting more of those people all the time.

i am immensely grateful for that.

maybe that's the key lesson in my last tarot reading: evolution is taking time, but it also comes naturally and continually to me.  my goals are taking shape, and separating from the dead weight was a priority. soon, i may even start "shedding" the 9-5 in favor of my lifework.

snakes shed their skin in order to grow.  they cannot become taller, and i don't think i've ever seen an overweight one. the only way to mark progress is to wiggle out of the old, dull shell and emerge anew.

all animals do that in some fashion, but snakes leave evidence. a snakeskin is a repository of information and power.  of course, the snake itself is elusive, but at least you can reconstruct its story.

my snakeskins are pages.

i suppose that's why i don't look back too much, especially when i'm journaling in longhand.

if i ever get interesting enough to warrant a memoir, someone else would have to write it.

tiger by the tail

i'm sick of the tiger woods thing.

there are many reasons, but here's the main one: i still feel like we're having half assed, immature discussions based on the wrong questions. it's time to go deeper; ask the questions at the root instead of getting stuck on the leaves.

first and foremost, no one outside a relationship knows what the folks in the relationship have decided to put up with from each other. therefore, getting all righteously indignant about who's a whore/skank/slut and who ain't is irrelevant.*

the world has changed, is changing, as we speak. with that, the way we live and love is changing.

wouldn't it make more sense to begin to define loving in a more personal, intimate way and then build supportive communities around what works? what grows your family and contributes to the expansion and edification of your heart, mind and spirit might not look like anyone else's situation...and shouldn't have to.

what many of us are taught to "strive for" is built on jacked up gender roles, rapidly shifting socioeconomic standards, and paternalistic abrahamaic religious mores. in the western ideal, cis men and cis women are essentially brought up to be polar opposites of one another--opposites that are supposed to bond, procreate and live the (american/euro) dream for the good of (old man) god, forever and ever, amen.

that's a pretty small box to fit into, but plenty of folks are still trying.  and the pressure to conform is leading to all kinds of lies and heartbreak. 

the white, western world is now re-learning what many ancient cultures have known for centuries: all the things surrounding love and attraction happen within fluid continuums, not in rigid categories.  manhood and womanhood are meant to blend into and compliment one another, with the true emphasis being on full personhood and soulhood.  yes, you need an egg and a sperm to create more human life, but the binaries typically stop there. 

but we're talking infidelity, so, for the record, here's my stance: if you are in an intimate relationship with only one other person, and both parties have explicitly agreed that said relationship is sexually monogamous, if one party has sex with someone else without their partner's consent, that's not cool.**  

yes, "emotional affairs" are also possible, but with a sketchier premise that begins to delve into insecurities, lack of communication, arbitrary limits on the range and manifestation of human emotion...in short, another damn blog altogether.  

so, someone cheats--whatever that means in your world. what you do about it is your business. my point is, there are other, more relevant questions besides, "why do _______ cheat??!?!?", such as:

how long does it take to openly and honestly discuss a problem?  e.g., an "emotional" affair can happen on your desk or over the phone, but takes time to build steam.  physical cheating takes effort:  you're going out, meeting, take clothes off...etc.  when and how are you dealing with your primary partner?

where do women learn to "let it slide as long as [zie-she-he] comes 'home'"?  conversely, where do men learn that the appropriate response is to hurt/maim/kill the other party?

why is the first assumption that it's all about sex?  people have many needs.

what barriers exist to dissolving a relationship where you feel disrespected? are they concrete/material? cultural? spiritual?

consider the money and power factor. what made tiger think these women would stay quiet when telling would also bring notoriety?  what made him think his wife would stay (she'll be well taken care of either way, apparently)?  

see where this is going? 

ultimately, reducing these issues to "men will be boys" and "mistresses are whores" is silly, at best.  if we're gonna talk about it, let's really talk about it.


*from what little i've read/heard, elin seems pissed, so it's probably safe to say the relationship was not an open one.  still, the high horses are startling.  none of us know the other women any better than we know her.  plus, as someone mentioned earlier on my twitter feed, there are babies to think of.

**essentially, somewhere between 18-25 or so, you learn that this needs to be made crystal clear if you intend to get what you need out of the relationship and/or have a case if someone fucks up later. it's starting to sound like too many folks make assumptions about the nature of a situation and wind up getting hurt.  communication is fundamental, at all stages.  in addition, i abhor the "if you're not married, you can't cheat" crowd.  how silly do you have to be...

sorry, kid, no toys for you...

this is the latest article i've seen in a rather disturbing trend: some charities are excluding the children of undocumented immigrants* in their xmas programs.

so it's come to this?

instead of examining the real reasons for immigration...

instead of tearing down that insipid wall at the border...

instead of focusing on growing homelessness, hunger and unemployment for all of us...

we're just gonna be all grinch-y about who gets toys and who doesn't and make folks feel worse about themselves that way?

yeah.  that's really christlike, y'all.



*no person is illegal. also see no one is illegal - vancouver. some of the same factors are at play in the u.s. argument over immigration...

Transgender Children - Out Of The Shadows

i am continually reminded of why we need to question what we *think* we know/understand about being human.

think of how old humanity is.

think of all the knowledge & understanding that has been suppressed and lost.

think of how new the notion of "normal" truly is.

keep in mind that it is very likely we're actually RE-learning and remembering...not falling off some sin-filled, hell bound cliff.

bad black (cis) mothers

sort of a piggyback from yesterday...melissa harris-lacewell breaks down the pathologizing of black motherhood. 

the big picture

*warning: graphic, possibly triggering video linked to "sigh"*

sigh.

this is the second time in recent weeks that i've seen the "planned parenthood is killing us!" thing.

i'm already sick of it. 

so...how come you get to appeal to folks' emotions while maintaining absolute silence about how black women also have less access to full information about reproductive health and adequate mental health services?

hell, even if you do have insurance or whatever, the u.s. ain't all that great with infant mortality rates compared with the rest of the industrialized world.

what about the foster "care" system that's chock full of kids of color that no one's adopting/caring for? they're getting funneled into the military and worse, you know.

if you really care about black women, their health and their babies, this misses many crucial points.

no one--and i mean no one--can talk about stopping abortion without simultaneously stopping domestic violence, sexual abuse, poverty, rape and a whole host of other issues that plague black women.

we also need accurate information about our bodies so that we can fully care for ourselves.

can't have that both ways, either.

yes, i am firmly pro-choice.  when, how, and whether a woman becomes a mother are issues that are between that woman, the deity of her understanding, and her healthcare provider(s).  period.

but that has nothing to do with why things like this piss me off so much.

to me, messages and media like this do not feel any more tied to my womanly welfare than ones that would suggest i need to tie myself to the nearest brotha and hang on for the ride.  actually, they seem like a backdoor way to keep women barefoot and pregnant.  or trapped in the good old "virgin/whore" dichotomy.  maybe under the thumb of male dominance and all other sorts of nasty oppressions.

yes, the ghost of eugenics is an issue, but it hasn't been a {true} social movement since about 100 years ago. even if i give you the benefit of the doubt on that one, we also know that living in a racist, white supremacist context has resulted in all kinds of psychological and spiritual maladies that we have not yet dealt with effectively as a people.

what does bringing more babies into the equation--at this moment in time--truly solve?

did you know pregnancy and birth can be triggering for women with abusive pasts?  are you only paying attention to that after they've become pregnant, or are you trying to save girls who are suffering now?

yes, i love children. without a doubt, they are beautiful, wondrous blessings. when you're prepared for them.

and i'm not just talking finances.

the moment you "save" a baby only to leave that child's mother in the lurch when she needs support, higher education, guidance, employment, child care, shelter, and all the things necessary to raise a child well in this world, you're dooming that baby anyway.

but i guess none of that matters.
....
addendum: for more on this topic, including stats and such, click here.

derailing for dummies

this link showed up on twitter yesterday, and i think it's a great way to make some important points.

difficult discussions are learning opportunities, not an excuse to shut down. we can all make mistakes when attempting to communicate with anyone. the key is to stay open and listen.

it's also worth noting that there's a difference between resting on privilege and knowing when it's time to shut down a conversation.  even then, it's how you shut down the conversation that matters.

"attraction" versus lesson-learning

lately it seems that many folks are clinging to the "you attract who/what you are" argument, particularly with regard to relationships.

i always want to interject with a, "yes, but...".

instead, i let it slide.

this is when it's great to have a blog.  

from where i sit, "you attract who you are" is a vast oversimplification at best.  at worst, it's a dangerous thought trap in a society that already does far too much victim blaming. 

of course it sounds perfect.  you keep meeting jerks?  well, you must deserve it on some level. keep finding mates who beat you? guess you need to get a black eye every now and then...but we all know it's not that simple.

i will concede this point: low self esteem leads to disastrous intimate relationships.  this is clear.  whether it's because you keep letting this one clean out your bank account or put up with the other's neglect hoping for a better day, if you don't believe you deserve the best, you won't get it.

on the other hand, what about the folks taking advantage of these self esteem issues?  where is their responsibility?  what healing do they need?  in a perfect world, those in need of some gentle uplift would be supported until they were ready to enter into relationship, appropriate emotional responses and boundaries intact.  instead, we have a predator/prey model that has folks ducking for cover, even if they might never be privy to the more extreme manifestations of the problem.*

in my understanding, interactions with others are lessons.  people enter your life for a reason, and your walk together speaks to that, whatever the outcome.  how many times have you heard about a relationship that should have been perfectly blissful, but wasn't because one or both parties were not doing the necessary work?  that's a lesson.

to use my own example, i didn't "attract" my last relationship because i hadn't done my work, although i definitely learned about a few tender spots in our time together.  it's likely he entered my life because i had started to feel i was ready for "the one".  same with him.

the difference?  i continually worked to be and maintain readiness and was open about my process; he worked in his own mind and shut me out.  i had the tools to deal with our issues and mine when they arose; more often than not, he didn't.   

then there's the money and success angle.  i.e., you can't have "broke" friends if you're tryin to ball.  well, my answer to that would be, "what does 'broke' mean?"

i can tell you right now, i don't think i have one materially rich friend.  but i have many friends and acquaintances who are billionaires in heart, spirit, intellect, and character.  i wonder how difficult it would be to find those qualities if i decided to go out and get some financially secure friends.  trust me, i've been around my nouveau riche, upwardly mobile peers, and i couldn't stand them.  i had very little in common with them on any level, even though i grew up middle class myself. 

just goes to show what gets rewarded these days.

in a time and place such as this, with so many supposed quick fixes and instant solutions, you don't often hear about the deep work of healing.  those of us committed to that path will often attract those in need of healing and must be ready to draw the appropriate lines in the sand.  one way to avoid sending out homing signals to the wounded is to get very, very specific about what we ask for.

so, instead of "you attract who you are", i would offer that it's more accurate to say, you get what you ask for, consciously or unconsciously--which i have always seen hold true.

if that's what the "you attract..." crowd really means, great.  i just cringe a little when i think of what hearing that does to the most vulnerable hearts among us, and how it lets some bullies off the hook. 



*e.g, someone who's afraid to date 'cause everyone's a potential serial killing, sti-bearing, low down cheating monster according to the nightly news and dateline nbc exposés. never mind that these elements may not even be a significant factor in their communities.

transgender day of remembrance

{for more, visit these blogs: gudbuytjane, scattermoon, shemale}

i'm glad someone alerted me to this day, because i think it's important. i'm gonna go around the barn a bit to make this point, so bear with me...

there are many things i'm grateful to my parents (and extended family, for that matter) for, and one of them is how they allowed me to make up my own mind and be myself.

there weren't constant discussions or indirect jabs at groups of folks simply because of who they were--well, ok, maybe white folks. but i didn't get drilled about how it was so "wrong" to be gay or what have you. not even in church. no one in my circle was obsessed with the sexuality/gender expression of others.

in fact, my mother often talked about a schoolmate who she believed killed himself because of the isolation he faced for being a gay man, and often expressed annoyance at homophobic folks. the impression i got from my dad was that he didn't "get it", but there was no seething discomfort or hatred.

so, when i made cis-glb friends as an adolescent, it wasn't a big deal. i hated when i would hear and see people make fun of them for even the *perception* of queerness. i didn't understand where all that was coming from, and besides, who cared?

my given name starts with "les", so i got called a "lesbian" in middle school. little did they know it wasn't the worst thing i'd been called.

when i went to western--the oldest, all-female public high school in the u.s.--i got the "don't come out a lesbian..." speech from my friends going to zoned and/or co-ed schools. this, despite the fact that, while attending western, i only met a handful of girls who openly identified as lesbian and/or queer. so, apparently, just the notion of all us girls being stuck in there together was a problem.

it wasn't until much, much later that i had any concept of what it meant to be transgender, although i'd seen elements of it all my life.

i think many cis-glb folks as well as cis-straight folks wind up never knowing.

once i did learn about it, it didn't seem like a huge deal, either. certainly not a reason to hate anyone or deprive them of a well-lived life. on the other hand, i immediately understood the implications in the wider society.

i've learned a lot since then, and i'm grateful to all those who have taught it to me. when i think about the people who are dying because of transphobia, i realize that many of them look like me: women of color. i realize that cis-men of color are often killing them, just as they are often the ones killing my cis-sisters.

that hurts me. and it scares me that people have become so close-minded, so unaware and intolerant--or, more accurately, horrified--of all the possibilities of what it means to be human, to have a spirit, to go beyond the boundaries of physicality, to slip out of binary definitions of gender.

so, today, i pray that those who have lost loved ones are healing.

i pray peace for the spirits of those who have transitioned, particularly under violent circumstances. i pray peace for those who were forced to live lonely, unfulfilled, or without a true home while on this plane. iba t'orun.

i pray that transgender youth are finding safe spaces to be, to love, to grow.

i pray that cis-folks--straight and otherwise--open their eyes.

oppression only benefits the oppressors. remember that.

peace.

the gentleman doth protest too much

backlash for donnie mcclurkin's latest rant

because i'm crazy...

...i'm gonna try nanowrimo this year.

progress will be noted on the writing blog (if the widget works), so if you don't see me over here for awhile, that's why.

dear old morehouse

word.

pissivity (3)

right now, i'm a lot angrier than i'd like to be.

i don't want this space to become one long, bitter black lady rant, but...i am pissed.  i need to own that.  

do i want to scratch every man's eyes out? no.well, not really.  i have good days and bad days.

i can say that i am far more critical and skeptical than i used to be, but maybe i need to be. 

when things finally fell apart, i told myself that for as long as this anger was a part of my life, i would keep it as constructive as possible.  so i'll write what wants to be written.  fuck it.

that said, here are a few things that run through my mind here lately* when i hear folks say they want a relationship with a "real wo/man" or "i'm so ready to meet 'the one'":

1. know your shit. own it. fully. for example, men's daddy issues can bubble up in relationships just as easily as women's. there is nothing that says men are immune from the same need for validation, fear of abandonment, and trust issues that are often heaped on the shoulders of women.    

2. if you've got a pretty good handle on #1 (therapy is your friend. remember that.), then think about why your other relationships worked--or didn't. if things were cool as long as they didn't get "too deep" or you've only stuck it out for a year or two, rushing to meet the person you'd like to spend the next 10, 30, or even 5 years with might be a bit of a stretch.  slow up. 

3. emotionally, you cannot "fake it til you make it". you simply cannot. don't try. it is unfair and unreasonable for you to dig in and hold on once you've realized you are clearly out of your league. yes, i understand that you love him/her, but good feelings and good intentions are not enough.  you may need to be an adult about it and let go--and by "let go" i mean have a real conversation with your partner about what's going on. you don't sneak off in the middle of the night. you don't sabotage. you don't throw a tantrum. just be honest, be real, and handle your business.

4. if you're truly in love and determined to hang in there, you're going to have to listen and you're going to have to work--particularly if you know you're dealing with someone who has less baggage than you do.  if it takes too long for you to work through all that stuff you've owned and s/he gets tired (keep in mind your author is over 30 and her bullshit tolerance is at an all-time low), you may just have to deal with that. relationships are emotional risks, and no one knows how they're going to turn out. if you are unwilling or unable to take that risk, see #3.


just another $.02 from lil ol me...



*not a typo. i'm southern. sue me.

the case for true intimacy

when i was ill a couple of weeks ago, i thought to myself, "man, this is when it sucks to be single...no one to hug you, bring you soup..."

then i remembered the ex had never been there when i'd been sick anyway.

granted, i don't get sick often. regardless, he'd never nursed me beyond a sympathetic phone call or two. once when i had a bad cold, he brought me a bag of treats.

in six years, we'd developed no daily, weekly or even monthly rituals. we didn't have a song. pet names were used liberally--cute, but what did that really mean?  a waitress at one restaurant came to recognize us, but we didn't have a place to call "ours", really.  i hardly knew anyone in his family and never met his parents, although i finally came to know a few of his friends.

by all accounts, this was never about lying or cheating.  he'd simply learned to wrap his life in neat little packages so that if anything happened, he could walk away, no hard feelings (for him). never mind what that did to me or us as a unit.  in the end, he finally understood this, albeit too late.   

i was a wreck for weeks, not because i wanted him or even missed his smile, but because i became conscious of what i'd lost by settling for a relationship so far below my understanding and experience of intimacy, affection and love.

even at times when i thought i should miss him, i found there was nothing to miss. he had given me so little of himself compared to what i had tried to give him.

deep intimacy was nearly always reduced to purely physical moments; towards the end, even those moments became rarer than usual.  if we weren't fucking regularly, all the ugly gaps started to show, and nothing seemed to fix them. whenever the distance grew, i was the only one who seemed to know how to bridge it.

hell, even casual lovers need attention and cultivation. now, if i fuck you on the first date or what have you, i'm willing to deal with the fact that i might stir up your bullshit around "easy" women or simply confuse the hell out of you*, but if i catch a whiff of said bullshit, don't expect me to accommodate you.

at this stage in my life, i have no time for men who overthink to the point of complete inaction, who are full of fear or trapped inside their own insecurities and hangups. there will be no re-raising, coddling or praise for half-assed displays of affection.

i was "brave enough" to try to navigate all that once.  no longer.

if you want me, let me know. i'll respond in kind.

if you leave me alone, i'll leave you alone. i'll show you i'm interested, but after that, the ball's in your court. play it, or not.

i've learned very well what hides behind intimacy issues**, and i don't need those demons visited upon me or my heart again.



*i haven't had this happen, by the way. on the rare occasion i have had the will and the opportunity to do this, the reaction of surprise/confusion is far more common, with the confusion stemming from the fact that i do so because i want to, and not in an effort to please and/or impress them. this is where women who do not own their needs/comfort levels are making it hard for broads like me...


**note that i'm not using the word "commitment", although i think folks often use that and "intimacy" interchangeably.  from where i sit, everyone with commitment issues may have intimacy issues, but not everyone with intimacy issues has commitment issues. there are plenty of folks who can "commit" without doing a damn thing to deepen their relationship(s) with other human beings, typically because that's what they've been raised to do--i.e., if you love her, you gotta marry her and have babies 'cause that's what "proper" folks do...damn the fact that you don't know how to talk to her or even check in with yourself.

in my opinion, commitment means honoring whatever bond/agreement you have with a particular person(s) (e.g., remaining sexually monogamous). intimacy has to do with how you operate in relationship; a way to measure emotional health.  can you touch/kiss/pleasure with ease? can you reveal yourself at appropriate stages in the relationship to help it grow? what are your triggers, and can you discuss these effectively with your partner?  do you know how to be consistently present and emotionally available--whether or not you are physically present? shit like that.

we were made for these times...

a love letter from one of my favorite authors...

goin thru some thangs...

it hasn't been easy over here lately...

i'm walking a really fine line between going full out and just keeping it all in...trying to be the shepherd and killing every mf'er in the room.

it's truly not easy.

i know that, ultimately, i am in the process of being and becoming something better than what i was.  i am evolving and choosing freedom and power over the crumbs i was offered.

i'm trying to hold on to that.