lately i feel like a big ball of "i want" and "i need". i get sick of the whining in my own head.
i'm doing my level best to fulfill as many of those needs for myself as possible. i do pretty well, if i do say so myself.
but it does get tiring.
i often find myself wishing i could be babied a little. have someone else do some small stuff so i can dream a little longer. get hugs on demand.
this is when i realize how isolating the last few years of my life have been. and it makes me wonder if there is anything worth putting that kind of laser-focus on for more than a few months at a time. when i dive into something important, i dive deep, sometimes to the exclusion of many other things.
am i too multi-faceted for that? should i always keep a certain level of stimulation coming from several different angles?
this is not to suggest regret. i realize that focus created what was--at the time--a safe space. and i needed to learn those lessons. but now that i'm past 30, i would never want to spend that length of time on anything without some semblance of a guarantee that my efforts were going to come to fruition.
this is also why finding one thing to be "when i grow up" is so difficult...i see too many angles, too many possibilities. even singular things encompass many aspects...
and why do i always go through this shit right before my birthday?!?!
i think too damn much.
that's probably the answer to everything.