2.18.2010

some thursday navel gazing...

lately i feel like a big ball of "i want" and "i need".  i get sick of the whining in my own head.

i'm doing my level best to fulfill as many of those needs for myself as possible. i do pretty well, if i do say so myself.

but it does get tiring.

i often find myself wishing i could be babied a little. have someone else do some small stuff so i can dream a little longer. get hugs on demand.

this is when i realize how isolating the last few years of my life have been. and it makes me wonder if there is anything worth putting that kind of laser-focus on for more than a few months at a time. when i dive into something important, i dive deep, sometimes to the exclusion of many other things.

am i too multi-faceted for that? should i always keep a certain level of stimulation coming from several different angles?

this is not to suggest regret.  i realize that focus created what was--at the time--a safe space.  and i needed to learn those lessons.  but now that i'm past 30, i would never want to spend that length of time on anything without some semblance of a guarantee that  my efforts were going to come to fruition. 

this is also why finding one thing to be "when i grow up" is so difficult...i see too many angles, too many possibilities. even singular things encompass many aspects...

and why do i always go through this shit right before my birthday?!?!

i think too damn much.

that's probably the answer to everything.

6 comments:

nehanda said...

i have to catch myself from thinking that i am playing catch up. sometimes, it feels like everybody else ' got it' while i went in this circular motion. going round and round and suddenly stumbled onto this awareness. i recognize that its all illusionary, however, it does not negate the heart palpitations and moments of freaking out. you know. ( sigh) i envy folks who are partnered bc it feels like ' they ' have created a structure where one can rest and regain themselves. which i know is not necessarily the case. it's exhausting ( sigh )..as i began wrapping my stay in the usa, i see how isolated i have always been. it wasn't as self evident when i lived in kenya bc there is no space to be by oneself. i have asked my friends to help me yunk out from this space of introvertedness. i want to spend as much quality and quantity time without sustaining this prolonged muted space of silence. the weird thing though is im navigating towards a space where words are un-neccessary.. i dont feel the need to explain myself. bc words are so loaded with cultural stuff and personal nuances..thats what nature is doing for me, trusting the non-wordness.i hope you get a chance to download tia clarissa's sessions. make sure you save it somewhere.

mbuya nehanda

sugar sista said...

sister, i hear you...

this is a very isolating culture that way...the "aloneness". sometimes even in the presence of others. welcome to individualism...

i envy folks who are partnered bc it feels like ' they ' have created a structure where one can rest and regain themselves. which i know is not necessarily the case.

right. i remember how alone i felt in my last relationship. part of the reason for its demise was the lack of that very space. i'll never settle for that again.

right now, coupling/partnering is more about "am i really out here alone? where's my match?". i am in touch with plenty of kindred spirits--maybe more than i've ever been. but i long for that special, intimate space sexual/sensual love creates.

the weird thing though is im navigating towards a space where words are un-neccessary.. i dont feel the need to explain myself.

i'm drifting TO the words, i think. at least in the sense of writing. my words are all i have...they allow me to hear myself over all the nonsense that suggests there is something fundamentally "wrong" with my life.

nehanda said...

... in the beginning was the word.

i have always found solace within the spacing of vowels, consonants and sounds. i suppose the desire for an enclave of silence is bc i speak all the time at the 9-5 gig in a language that i have a love/hate relationship with, with its brutual, colonial history embedded with each word..which reinforces this ' separatedness' that im doing my damnest to bridge. i am preparing myself for that gap that i will come into contact with once i step back into the womb of my birth..already it is remarked how much i have be-come amerikkan.lol this is also in part bc i have for so long seeked for mentors outside of myself. guides to validate, encourage, soothe whatever ache, question, desire i so seeked. it is time to shift inward, without the use of psychotropic drugs..lol i was not at all surprised how much i desire a cloistered, contemplative life. the other day, oprah did a show on nuns and i remember this article i read years ago that i have tucked in one of my many unfinished journals..maybe this is a life that i have always wanted and been afraid to seek. i wasnt sure whether i as one who thrives from sexual/physical intimacy can take a vow of celibacy.with this last relationship i am surprised to find that maybe sex as a physical expression can also be harnessed into the erotic/creative..i didnt desire as much to act out sexually as i did in my 20s. i have such a heightned libido that expresses itself in the most unsexual of things. i had a conversation with a lady at work today. she remarked how much she enjoyed her stay in paris and wanted to go back and visit. ( shout out to brother hughes and baldwin and sister josephine )she said that the only true, unconditional love was what she shared with her children. twice married and divorced( husbands were nigerian). her words were reflective and i, i truthfully felt her sadness and weariness. even with everything that has happened and contininues to unfold, omi, i can truly say that i completly love this world. unconditionally. shadow and all.love, i find, is so limiting a word to express the limitless, unfathomable expression of tender connectedness i feel. one last thing, this quote, manna from heaven.. bought a book this evening and in it were words by ms hurtson. ' There Are Years that Ask Questions and Years That Answer' my little, teeny footnote at the end is ' and there are years that include both.'

remember love, ladybug.

nehanda said...

the article

http://www.saradavidson.com/articleA2.html

nehanda said...

and the book

The Fabric of the Future: Women Visionaries Illuminate the Path to Tomorow

sugar sista said...

i really can't say anything except: thank you.

truly.