(i just found this again, and i'd almost forgotten why i started it...and who it was about in the first place, but...i remember now.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i met him.
that was enough.
i figured once they saw the beauty in it
they’d accept it.
i didn’t think about
being without him
while i was falling in love
who does?
it was right. nothing wrong feels like that.
no one could take it from us
who would try?
there must be another way to forget...
to stop thinking coherently
about the whole mess
must be
i just haven’t found it yet...
too bad self-destruction really isn’t in my plan
but it began long before this haze settled around me.
i’m grateful for the good days--
there are many, many good days.
many.
not enough to stop the fall, though.
i always fall back
into a color
scent
memory
and there he is and
here i am and...
i remember saying goodbye
rain tears skin
mixing...
that night went slowly
molasses moving.
but it still moved.
i wished—no, willed—myself suspended in time
yet, it still moved.
how do you get over being denied love—
not love like a parent’s love,
but a love you know will expand you
until you’re so big only the universe can hold you...
now i’m just
small
so small
he’d hate to see me like this
if he even thinks of me anymore
i know he must think of me...what we had doesn’t go away
it just waits
around corners
in boxes
pictures
settles itself into walls
and waits for you to find it again.
it likes games of hide-and-go-seek
ring-around-the-temporal lobe
(not like that would go to the tune...)
but there’s nothing i should have done differently
could have done differently
we were
it was
and that was that.
i think...when my speech starts to slur in my thoughts
i know i’m almost there
that place where none of it matters anymore and i can
stop
for awhile
think a bit
get my bearings.
hm.
if i left tonight would he care?
it’s not his fault he fell in love with someone he’d never have
it’s all their fault.
i blame them.
they took him from me over a semantic dispute with god
the god that god gave to me
he was my god...wasn’t he?
then
i was locked away
and blk folks can’t afford towers
so it was just my room
four little walls
and no way to gain perspective
he took me away from all that--bless his heart--
but
i don’t love him like that
i don’t love him like god
i only loved him like god
that sugarhoneysweet velvetvoiced boy
i loved
so.
i suppose i’m being punished.
I AM A JEALOUS GOD
and all such sayings...
(to be continued...)
2.16.2006
2.13.2006
not much going on...
just wanted to say hi, shoot the shit & what not.
this weekend i was introduced to the wholistic wellness for the hip hop generation video...produced by this dude.
i don't think i'll ever be that serious. but, hey. more power to him.
i do, however, commend him for coming at the subject of holistic health from a perspective that young folks can understand and learn from. i could easily see 12-18 yr olds seeing that and being touched by the message. i know his mother taught me a thing or two.
the n-word is still getting quite a bit of attention these days...as it should. i don't think it's ok for us or white ppl to use it. we must be one of the most self-hating race of folks ever. we internalize and accept just about every negative image of ourselves there is with very little critical thought. and that's just sad.
i may come back around sometime today. who knows.
this weekend i was introduced to the wholistic wellness for the hip hop generation video...produced by this dude.
i don't think i'll ever be that serious. but, hey. more power to him.
i do, however, commend him for coming at the subject of holistic health from a perspective that young folks can understand and learn from. i could easily see 12-18 yr olds seeing that and being touched by the message. i know his mother taught me a thing or two.
the n-word is still getting quite a bit of attention these days...as it should. i don't think it's ok for us or white ppl to use it. we must be one of the most self-hating race of folks ever. we internalize and accept just about every negative image of ourselves there is with very little critical thought. and that's just sad.
i may come back around sometime today. who knows.
2.09.2006
on: coretta scott king's funeral
(by william rivers pitt)
"Trapped Like a Rat"
The funeral for civil rights leader Coretta Scott King on Tuesday was quite a sight to see. The depth of sadness in the room could not be overcome by the happiness that came with the celebration of her life and accomplishments. It was the measure of Mrs. King's impact upon our society that four presidents - Carter, Bush, Clinton and Bush - sat before her flower-draped casket and spoke of her life.
And then, of course, the foolishness began. The nattering nabobs of network nonsense blithered into their cable news studios to deplore all the political statements that were served up before the appreciative crowd in that church. It was the Wellstone funeral all over again.
Let's be clear. The life of Coretta Scott King was one that involved politics from every angle. Any lifelong struggle against poverty, racism and war is going to be a life immersed in politics. That is simply the way it is; because so many politicians and political ideologies center around statements and legislation that directly add to the burdens of the poor and minorities, any person choosing to fight poverty and racism is going to wind up dealing in politics.
Gandhi was elected to no office in his entire lifetime, but every action he took involved politics. The same can be said for Martin Luther King Jr., who won no elections but changed politics in America forever. Coretta Scott King held no office, but her work affected the politics of this country in every way. Ask Gold Star mother Cindy Sheehan, who received a warm telephone call from Mrs. King while standing vigil outside George W. Bush's ranch in Crawford last August. If this was not a political act, then political acts do not exist.
Politics belonged in that church on Tuesday. Period.
A good deal of the humbug arising from the political statements at the funeral are based upon the fact that George W. Bush changed his schedule to appear at the event. Because he did this, the thinking goes, he should be above the pointed criticism he absorbed up on that stage. Smart money says he came to the funeral only to avoid the criticism he would have received had he not shown up with those three other presidents. Smart money likewise says he came to try and shore up his poll numbers with African Americans; his support among this constituency stands in the low single digits, well within the margin of error in any poll, suggesting his actual support among this group is zero. This is, however, an issue for another day.
The central tenet of the civil rights movement has, is and will always be one simple truth: one must speak truth to power in order to affect change. This was the maxim by which Coretta Scott King lived her life, and the maxim by which her husband lived and ultimately died by. Had her funeral not involved speaking truth to power, the ceremony would have been incomplete. George W. Bush heard on Tuesday some hard truths that his fanatical insulation has to date spared him from. It may have been the healthiest moment this republic has absorbed in years.
President Jimmy Carter, who has come to be one of the harshest critics of Mr. Bush, hurled fire across the stage over the deplorable administration response to Hurricane Katrina. "This commemorative ceremony this morning and this afternoon is not only to acknowledge the great contributions of Coretta and Martin, but to remind us that the struggle for equal rights is not over," said Carter. "We only have to recall the color of the faces of those in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi, those who were most devastated by Katrina, to know that there are not yet equal opportunities for all Americans."
Carter also took a moment to drop a brick over the recent revelations that the NSA has been spying on Americans, without court approval or warrants, at the behest of Mr. Bush. "It was difficult for them personally," said Carter, "with the civil liberties of both husband and wife violated as they became the target of secret government wiretapping, other surveillance, and as you know, harassment from the FBI."
By far, the harshest criticism came from Rev. Joseph Lowery, a King protégé, who spoke of Mrs. King's staunch opposition to the occupation of Iraq. "She deplored the terror inflicted by our smart bombs on missions way afar," said Lowery. "We know now there were no weapons of mass destruction over there. But Coretta knew, and we knew, that there are weapons of misdirection right down here. Millions without health insurance. Poverty abounds. For war, billions more, but no more for the poor."
Would Coretta Scott King have approved of this? One can be certain that the woman who said "If American women would increase their voting turnout by ten percent, I think we would see an end to all of the budget cuts in programs benefiting women and children" would have certainly approved.
This was a day for speaking truth to power, but it was more than that. Mr. Bush and his people have worked incredibly hard to keep this president from hearing anything that rubs against what he believes to be true. He speaks before hand-picked crowds of adoring supporters, never once seeing the face of someone who thinks he is running the nation into the ground. Millions upon millions of protesters have followed his every move, and yet it is almost certain he has never laid eyes upon a single one of them.
On Tuesday, by his own design. George W. Bush was trapped like a rat on that stage. He was forced to listen to eloquent denunciations of his politics and his policies, perhaps for the first time since he took office. The effect upon him was clear; during the speeches delivered by Rev. Lowery and president Carter, Bush looked as if he was sucking on a particularly bitter lemon.
When one speaks truth to power, especially arrogant power, that is usually the effect. Coretta Scott King would have approved.
1st Corinthians 13:1-7
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
2.07.2006
2.06.2006
the personal is political
i got a link to the sistah vegan project in an email this morning.
i've been poking around the site and, well, this is hella interesting.
although animal rights activists like peta and others have been dealing with the whole issue of eating & ethics for years, how many times has this been examined within the black community?
the "no pork on my fork" link on the right margin will take you to blackvegetarians.org, one of the few resources i've found on the web by and for black people who are interested in vegan/veggie lifestyles (various myspace pages notwithstanding).
like, ok. ms. harper breaks it down like this:
say WHAT?
i hope she keeps this site updated, 'cause i am really interested in what she finds out.
i've been poking around the site and, well, this is hella interesting.
although animal rights activists like peta and others have been dealing with the whole issue of eating & ethics for years, how many times has this been examined within the black community?
the "no pork on my fork" link on the right margin will take you to blackvegetarians.org, one of the few resources i've found on the web by and for black people who are interested in vegan/veggie lifestyles (various myspace pages notwithstanding).
like, ok. ms. harper breaks it down like this:
For example, Dick Gregory has piqued my academic interests in linking perceptions of equality to food patterns. He has advocated the need for Blacks to better understand Black health crisis and impediments to equality by analyzing their traditional Soul Food practices. It is interesting to me that he perceives the Black Soul Food diet as being diametrically opposed to the liberation of Blacks... This slave food, in his opinion, has manifested into what is now called the Soul Food diet, hindering Blacks from understanding what true social justice is.[6] I am also interested in how food beliefs among African American females may embody internalized oppression.[7] A brief analysis of bell hooks[8] memoir, Bone Black, will portray such an example.
Raised in a heteropatriarchal household of the 1950s, hooks’ mother “whipped” her for being too skinny and for not eating enough. The punishment stemmed from a belief that Black men did not desire marriage with skinny women. With no desire to marry, hooks was still forced to eat to nourish her body for a future husband she would be expected to serve. In her household, female food consumption was linked to servitude to a husband. It is here I see a manifestation of internalized slave-master ideology within her mother’s perception of Black gender roles and food consumption... Through her mother’s food beliefs, a conundrum in her mother’s perception of equality manifests: she frequently subjected hooks to the same injustices that her ancestors endured. Strangely, hooks notes that her mother was conscious of the necessity to liberate Blacks from White racism. Her advocacy for the racial liberation of a Black collective while simultaneously practicing food beliefs that sustain heterosexism and predefined gender roles are fascinating. These are the types of paradoxes I wish to unlock.
say WHAT?
i hope she keeps this site updated, 'cause i am really interested in what she finds out.
girls v. women
(an email forward i actually enjoyed reading...i deleted the obligatory "pass it on line", however)
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex.
Grown women know that it's the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to 'lock' you down.
Girls fake-moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
Grown women say, "Just stop", get up, get dressed, and walk out.
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-- using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.
Girls make you come.
Grown women make you come home.
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e, don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special -- and goes to kick it with her own friends!
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate w/o fear of losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.
Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back -- and move on, without bitterness.
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex.
Grown women know that it's the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to 'lock' you down.
Girls fake-moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
Grown women say, "Just stop", get up, get dressed, and walk out.
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-- using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.
Girls make you come.
Grown women make you come home.
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e, don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special -- and goes to kick it with her own friends!
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate w/o fear of losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.
Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back -- and move on, without bitterness.
2.03.2006
baby blues
ugh.
hormones win again.
honey & i ate at the cheesecake factory last night. there was a doll of a baby girl at the table next to us (and some bad parenting at the table behind us).
then there was that baby dream last night.
this really sucks.
i don’t think i’ve ever had a serious biological imperative that I couldn’t fulfill in some way. i guess that’s how this "biological clock" thing is. i know i can’t do anything about it right now, even though it’s a bitch to keep from feeling like I should.
it's as if my ovaries are screaming, “what are we doing here? just get it over with already!”
an itch i can’t scratch.
i'm knee deep in pregnant & breastfeeding coworkers. every menstrual cycle feels like some sort of failure.
am i going crazy?
funny thing is, i'm sure that if i get to, say, 35 or so without getting pregnant, i’ll be fine.
but do the next few years of my life have to be hell because of those little vomity, sleep-sucking, baby powdery people?
in the dream, i was holding one. i think he was mine. he was smiling, very happy. not overly fat. brown. i was happy.
i couldn’t get a handle on where i was or who i was with, but i was holding him and talking to someone. it was almost like an isolated image or vision vs. a whole dream sequence with a beginning/end.
i dunno. maybe it’ll happen someday.
my heart/spirit/body can't get around my ego.
don't wanna mess with my body.
what the hell are you gonna do with a kid?
i like my freedom, dammit.
etc.
well, fuck it.
since i'm clearly not pregnant, i’m getting fucked up at this show saturday. that’s all there is to it.
if i can’t get what i want, i can at least get toasty mourning it.
cheers, bitches.
hormones win again.
honey & i ate at the cheesecake factory last night. there was a doll of a baby girl at the table next to us (and some bad parenting at the table behind us).
then there was that baby dream last night.
this really sucks.
i don’t think i’ve ever had a serious biological imperative that I couldn’t fulfill in some way. i guess that’s how this "biological clock" thing is. i know i can’t do anything about it right now, even though it’s a bitch to keep from feeling like I should.
it's as if my ovaries are screaming, “what are we doing here? just get it over with already!”
an itch i can’t scratch.
i'm knee deep in pregnant & breastfeeding coworkers. every menstrual cycle feels like some sort of failure.
am i going crazy?
funny thing is, i'm sure that if i get to, say, 35 or so without getting pregnant, i’ll be fine.
but do the next few years of my life have to be hell because of those little vomity, sleep-sucking, baby powdery people?
in the dream, i was holding one. i think he was mine. he was smiling, very happy. not overly fat. brown. i was happy.
i couldn’t get a handle on where i was or who i was with, but i was holding him and talking to someone. it was almost like an isolated image or vision vs. a whole dream sequence with a beginning/end.
i dunno. maybe it’ll happen someday.
my heart/spirit/body can't get around my ego.
don't wanna mess with my body.
what the hell are you gonna do with a kid?
i like my freedom, dammit.
etc.
well, fuck it.
since i'm clearly not pregnant, i’m getting fucked up at this show saturday. that’s all there is to it.
if i can’t get what i want, i can at least get toasty mourning it.
cheers, bitches.
2.01.2006
state of the union
cindy sheehan's arrest in her own words.
'murika
and if you like lemon juice in your wounds, here's the full text.
i admit to not watching/listening/reading the address personally. i figured it was the same address dude's been giving for the last 6 yrs or so.
(addendum--2/3...doesn't feel so good when it's you they're watching, does it?)
'murika
and if you like lemon juice in your wounds, here's the full text.
i admit to not watching/listening/reading the address personally. i figured it was the same address dude's been giving for the last 6 yrs or so.
(addendum--2/3...doesn't feel so good when it's you they're watching, does it?)
busted
i really hate ruined evenings.
what i hate more is when grown-ass people need babysitters.
when said people ruin my night in the process, well....
i'm probably being selfish...but fuck it.
(addendum 2-2-06: my new fancy ass phone made me miss some messages that were crucial to my understanding of said situation and, well, shit. foot, meet mouth.)
what i hate more is when grown-ass people need babysitters.
when said people ruin my night in the process, well....
i'm probably being selfish...but fuck it.
(addendum 2-2-06: my new fancy ass phone made me miss some messages that were crucial to my understanding of said situation and, well, shit. foot, meet mouth.)
1.31.2006
still processing...
last night was all about tears & cleansing.
thought about some things i haven't in awhile. had some revelations...
this year is going to be about renewal, facing fears. jumping over hurdles i've put in my own way.
i'm not a fearful person. so going thru these ordeals has been very trying. it's like i look in the mirror some days and don't recognize myself. blank, dreamless sleeps. crying jags that split me in half.
i've been energized in the last few weeks. empowered. but i've also been broken down.
feeling alienated frightens me. so does boredom.
i wanna write more about this, but the words just won't come. i can't rush this...whatever it is.
so i suppose i'll just ask for the strength to navigate it and go from there...
ashe.
thought about some things i haven't in awhile. had some revelations...
this year is going to be about renewal, facing fears. jumping over hurdles i've put in my own way.
i'm not a fearful person. so going thru these ordeals has been very trying. it's like i look in the mirror some days and don't recognize myself. blank, dreamless sleeps. crying jags that split me in half.
i've been energized in the last few weeks. empowered. but i've also been broken down.
feeling alienated frightens me. so does boredom.
i wanna write more about this, but the words just won't come. i can't rush this...whatever it is.
so i suppose i'll just ask for the strength to navigate it and go from there...
ashe.
1.30.2006
oludare
if someone had told me 5 yrs ago that i'd own a cat, i would have laughed.
but...here i am.
this little bugger & i have really bonded. in the last 6 months or so, we've carved out routines, enjoyed snuggles, had a few fights, and some makeups.
i knew he was unusual 'cause i felt drawn to him so soon after meeting him. even ppl who don't like cats like this cat. yes, he does take a moment to warm up to you, but once he does...
so they took him out of his cage for me, and i held him. his little chin went right to the crook of my arm. and the blue/green/yellow-ish eyes said it all.
this was my cat.
he came to me @ 12 wks old and took to my house immediately.
he does not fear water.
i call him my familiar. and i think he realizes/responds to that.
he protects me and has a watchful eye.
then there's the habit of resting under my altar...
he wakes me up if/when i sleep too long.
there's nothing "prima donna"-ish about him. but he loves to be loved.
4 legged ppl are cool.
but...here i am.
this little bugger & i have really bonded. in the last 6 months or so, we've carved out routines, enjoyed snuggles, had a few fights, and some makeups.
i knew he was unusual 'cause i felt drawn to him so soon after meeting him. even ppl who don't like cats like this cat. yes, he does take a moment to warm up to you, but once he does...
so they took him out of his cage for me, and i held him. his little chin went right to the crook of my arm. and the blue/green/yellow-ish eyes said it all.
this was my cat.
he came to me @ 12 wks old and took to my house immediately.
he does not fear water.
i call him my familiar. and i think he realizes/responds to that.
he protects me and has a watchful eye.
then there's the habit of resting under my altar...
he wakes me up if/when i sleep too long.
there's nothing "prima donna"-ish about him. but he loves to be loved.
4 legged ppl are cool.
1.28.2006
love trilogy (...concieved after waking in a hotel room in jersey)
i.
i don't just love him
i luh him
in dunbar patois
love like
plantation-crossin'
lynch-riskin' love.
ii.
the love of black folks
is laced with apprehension
we are
civil rights grantees
in urban flight realities
massa still watches
listens at drum circles
infiltrates underground railroad stops
scooping up lost ones
along the way
gentrification paddy-rolls communities
out of existence
project communes scattered to the wind
stealing cultures and communities
all over again
if you still speak the language of your village
you are blessed...
the hood's fucked up but
home is home and
increasingly we are being forced to realize that
we cannot go home again
--at least not until we own the land
own ourselves
we must become
sankofa phoenixes
working thru the past to the future
rising from the ashes
see past/present/future as one
cp time was once
multidimensional shamanic reality
our assets now
liabilities in the face of
the anti-culture.
iii.
black love is endangered
hunted for its beauty and consciousness
its strength can build monuments
that laugh at time
our most precious commodity
like the gold of africa
--so plentiful we treated it like
georgia clay
but
we cannot afford to forget
our worth in the eyes of others.
stay watchful
be wary
wake up.
i don't just love him
i luh him
in dunbar patois
love like
plantation-crossin'
lynch-riskin' love.
ii.
the love of black folks
is laced with apprehension
we are
civil rights grantees
in urban flight realities
massa still watches
listens at drum circles
infiltrates underground railroad stops
scooping up lost ones
along the way
gentrification paddy-rolls communities
out of existence
project communes scattered to the wind
stealing cultures and communities
all over again
if you still speak the language of your village
you are blessed...
the hood's fucked up but
home is home and
increasingly we are being forced to realize that
we cannot go home again
--at least not until we own the land
own ourselves
we must become
sankofa phoenixes
working thru the past to the future
rising from the ashes
see past/present/future as one
cp time was once
multidimensional shamanic reality
our assets now
liabilities in the face of
the anti-culture.
iii.
black love is endangered
hunted for its beauty and consciousness
its strength can build monuments
that laugh at time
our most precious commodity
like the gold of africa
--so plentiful we treated it like
georgia clay
but
we cannot afford to forget
our worth in the eyes of others.
stay watchful
be wary
wake up.
1.27.2006
blessed
my arrival was cloaked in silence
rest. immobility.
more like a wake than a birth...
there was praying
worry
wringing of hands...
i was early but
cosmically punctual;
i had to belong
to neptune:
ruler of murky and
clear waters
destined to duality,
soul comprehension.
the prayer became protection
prenatal apprehension an excuse for fierce independence
"no need to worry...i am here."
hands that rubbed themselves raw
in anticipated grief
were rarely turned to me in anger
but fed/held/clothed me
with love
instead.
relearned priestess rites thru
house-playing shame
...the universe has to
make up for our deletions;
denied rites of passage become
misplaced ashe
creeping into unicorn wallpapered bedrooms...
anyway...
lived life in books and magazines
...it was like the written word
was never lost to me
i'd kept
the histories/mysteries/stories/wisdom
too long
to forget.
my womb is lined with
cave etchings
sumerian script and
griot lessons
hieroglyphs they haven't uncovered on earth yet...
if they could decipher menstruation,
they'd find many women
are actually treasure maps.
goddess heritage my birthright
not because i'm african--but because i remember.
willfully refusing amnesia
in the face of babylon.
rest. immobility.
more like a wake than a birth...
there was praying
worry
wringing of hands...
i was early but
cosmically punctual;
i had to belong
to neptune:
ruler of murky and
clear waters
destined to duality,
soul comprehension.
the prayer became protection
prenatal apprehension an excuse for fierce independence
"no need to worry...i am here."
hands that rubbed themselves raw
in anticipated grief
were rarely turned to me in anger
but fed/held/clothed me
with love
instead.
relearned priestess rites thru
house-playing shame
...the universe has to
make up for our deletions;
denied rites of passage become
misplaced ashe
creeping into unicorn wallpapered bedrooms...
anyway...
lived life in books and magazines
...it was like the written word
was never lost to me
i'd kept
the histories/mysteries/stories/wisdom
too long
to forget.
my womb is lined with
cave etchings
sumerian script and
griot lessons
hieroglyphs they haven't uncovered on earth yet...
if they could decipher menstruation,
they'd find many women
are actually treasure maps.
goddess heritage my birthright
not because i'm african--but because i remember.
willfully refusing amnesia
in the face of babylon.
1.26.2006
food fight
disinterested motherfuckers
carving up my city like
raw roast beef
we need more
urban vegan warriors
to stop the slaughter
eat less chicken
read more papers
carving up my city like
raw roast beef
we need more
urban vegan warriors
to stop the slaughter
eat less chicken
read more papers
(more) stuff
today's myspace blog entry
now for what i really wanted to talk about.
so mr. president says he doesn't wanna recognize the new palestinian govt. 'cause hamas will be involved.
hmph.
well, folks weren't really feeling the anc, either.
but isn't that part of the whole "democracy" ideal he's always going on & on about? isn't the point that these ppl can put whoever they want in power?
isn't the point that they have power/govt in the first place? that they act in their own, best, and sovereign (& we all know he must not understand that word) interests?
no.
it's only democratic when we say so.
now for what i really wanted to talk about.
so mr. president says he doesn't wanna recognize the new palestinian govt. 'cause hamas will be involved.
hmph.
well, folks weren't really feeling the anc, either.
but isn't that part of the whole "democracy" ideal he's always going on & on about? isn't the point that these ppl can put whoever they want in power?
isn't the point that they have power/govt in the first place? that they act in their own, best, and sovereign (& we all know he must not understand that word) interests?
no.
it's only democratic when we say so.
1.25.2006
full
he says i'm full lately...
becoming womanly.
i feel
big
heavy with creativity
universes
potentialities.
my babies
lack physical manifestation--
i bear lyrical children
foster positive living environments for metaphors
carry messages on my hips
diplomatically translated
by my inbetween.
i am
more woman now
no need to roar...
returning to the comfort
of womb whispers
and peacock feathers.
my weapons:
earth tones
headwraps
and bluejeans.
call me boho if u wanna
i was who i was
when erykah wasn't on the radar yet
and india was stll singin in coffeeshops
...hoppin planets
just for fun
ain't too much in my line of sight
worthy of keeping me grounded.
dreams reflected
in diamond sutras
and wide-ruled notebooks...
don't care if you think
i'm perpetuating bullshit
goddess/empress/queen images
unrealistic pussy powers.
complexity is my birthright.
why perpetuate mediocrity?
inferiority?
i am made in the image of
god
ancestors
africans
angels
who are you keeping alive?
i am
more woman now
heavy
heavy
heavy...
i am
due
today.
becoming womanly.
i feel
big
heavy with creativity
universes
potentialities.
my babies
lack physical manifestation--
i bear lyrical children
foster positive living environments for metaphors
carry messages on my hips
diplomatically translated
by my inbetween.
i am
more woman now
no need to roar...
returning to the comfort
of womb whispers
and peacock feathers.
my weapons:
earth tones
headwraps
and bluejeans.
call me boho if u wanna
i was who i was
when erykah wasn't on the radar yet
and india was stll singin in coffeeshops
...hoppin planets
just for fun
ain't too much in my line of sight
worthy of keeping me grounded.
dreams reflected
in diamond sutras
and wide-ruled notebooks...
don't care if you think
i'm perpetuating bullshit
goddess/empress/queen images
unrealistic pussy powers.
complexity is my birthright.
why perpetuate mediocrity?
inferiority?
i am made in the image of
god
ancestors
africans
angels
who are you keeping alive?
i am
more woman now
heavy
heavy
heavy...
i am
due
today.
1.19.2006
dr. king et al.
the first half of tre's latest entry (dated 1/16) speaks to mlk and his legacy/influence...which got me to thinking...
i'll be the first to admit: while i respect the man & his accomplishments, i take the actual day for granted. i don't feel the need to go to mlk convocations or speeches held for the occasion. they could just as easily not give me the day off and i wouldn't complain.
far too often blk ppl relegate their history to 3 times a year: mlk day, the month of february, and kwanzaa (for those who celebrate, anyway).
what about the rest of the year?
what are your children learning in november? march? may?
at what other times do we come together to address the state of our union?
there will be no more great black leaders.
intellectuals, yes. role models, sure. entrepreneurs, definitely.
but the revolution has to start with food co-ops. it has to start with taking back our communities/schools/families. it has to start with self-determination and self-discipline--and i'm not necessarily talking about buying into the american dream.
i'm thinking maybe we need to forge something new out of that dream/nightmare and make it something that works for us.
we could never put that job on one man or woman. anything from here on out is going to take a group effort.
i mean, shit. i'm just talking. i don't have the answer either. probably because there isn't just one answer, and never will be again (if there ever was).
we are being assaulted on all fronts, not just one. it isn't just about segregation anymore. it's a multi-faceted, moving target now. and the vision required to hit said target is monumental.
my only advice--the only advice i've determined is worth following--is this: fight your battle. use your gifts to the fullest extent possible, and talk to others who are doing the same. form diverse networks & coalitions.
fuck all this over-specialization; be well-rounded. but maintain your focus.
and then maybe some solutions will start trickling in.
i'll be the first to admit: while i respect the man & his accomplishments, i take the actual day for granted. i don't feel the need to go to mlk convocations or speeches held for the occasion. they could just as easily not give me the day off and i wouldn't complain.
far too often blk ppl relegate their history to 3 times a year: mlk day, the month of february, and kwanzaa (for those who celebrate, anyway).
what about the rest of the year?
what are your children learning in november? march? may?
at what other times do we come together to address the state of our union?
there will be no more great black leaders.
intellectuals, yes. role models, sure. entrepreneurs, definitely.
but the revolution has to start with food co-ops. it has to start with taking back our communities/schools/families. it has to start with self-determination and self-discipline--and i'm not necessarily talking about buying into the american dream.
i'm thinking maybe we need to forge something new out of that dream/nightmare and make it something that works for us.
we could never put that job on one man or woman. anything from here on out is going to take a group effort.
i mean, shit. i'm just talking. i don't have the answer either. probably because there isn't just one answer, and never will be again (if there ever was).
we are being assaulted on all fronts, not just one. it isn't just about segregation anymore. it's a multi-faceted, moving target now. and the vision required to hit said target is monumental.
my only advice--the only advice i've determined is worth following--is this: fight your battle. use your gifts to the fullest extent possible, and talk to others who are doing the same. form diverse networks & coalitions.
fuck all this over-specialization; be well-rounded. but maintain your focus.
and then maybe some solutions will start trickling in.
1.18.2006
1.11.2006
the family (chapter 1)
one by one the scenes and people of my childhood are disappearing.
death.
gentrification.
the things and people i thought would always be there are leaving me.
the grandparents who weren't just biological, but loved.
the uncle who spoiled me rotten.
the wise elders.
the family friends.
the availability of thundercats and he-man on dvd is very necessary (when do we get voltron?? huh??)...but there's so much more missing now.
i'm used to death. my family is small, relatively close-knit, but realistic. as a jackson, funeral planning is something that comes with the territory.
we don't live long. we party hard, and we don't linger.
when life is more existing and less living, we know how to let go.
i don't have a lot of "blood" family, but there are plenty of people around who we treat as such. blood was never a pre-requisite for us. if you were fam, you were fam. you could be an ex husband/wife, a distant cousin, play-aunt or godparent. when you're in, you're in. and it doesn't matter if you come around a lot or a little...we're glad to see you when you're there. and we're all gonna have a good time.
it's a lesson i've taken with me throughout life.
maybe that's why i'm chomping at the bit right now. i think my mother's sobering attitude drenched a lot of the reckless party spirit in me, but...i do enjoy living. good times are important. so are good food. and good people. friends are golden.
i know this.
it's in my blood.
we must have been the keepers of the village celebrations or something...
there is more i could write about them...
the ones i know and the ones i don't.
the ones who i am blessed enough to be able to name and place on my altar, and the ones who only speak to me in dreams.
the ones who protected me when i came into the world just a little too early.
the ones who heard the prayers of my parents and still form a shield around me today.
but...i'm not ready.
one day.
death.
gentrification.
the things and people i thought would always be there are leaving me.
the grandparents who weren't just biological, but loved.
the uncle who spoiled me rotten.
the wise elders.
the family friends.
the availability of thundercats and he-man on dvd is very necessary (when do we get voltron?? huh??)...but there's so much more missing now.
i'm used to death. my family is small, relatively close-knit, but realistic. as a jackson, funeral planning is something that comes with the territory.
we don't live long. we party hard, and we don't linger.
when life is more existing and less living, we know how to let go.
i don't have a lot of "blood" family, but there are plenty of people around who we treat as such. blood was never a pre-requisite for us. if you were fam, you were fam. you could be an ex husband/wife, a distant cousin, play-aunt or godparent. when you're in, you're in. and it doesn't matter if you come around a lot or a little...we're glad to see you when you're there. and we're all gonna have a good time.
it's a lesson i've taken with me throughout life.
maybe that's why i'm chomping at the bit right now. i think my mother's sobering attitude drenched a lot of the reckless party spirit in me, but...i do enjoy living. good times are important. so are good food. and good people. friends are golden.
i know this.
it's in my blood.
we must have been the keepers of the village celebrations or something...
there is more i could write about them...
the ones i know and the ones i don't.
the ones who i am blessed enough to be able to name and place on my altar, and the ones who only speak to me in dreams.
the ones who protected me when i came into the world just a little too early.
the ones who heard the prayers of my parents and still form a shield around me today.
but...i'm not ready.
one day.
cult of personality
ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population. |
personality tests by similarminds.com
this is far more descriptive/accurate, tho.
1.10.2006
i really wish i had better news.
i honestly do. but i really feel that if i see something i think ppl should know about, i gotta tell 'em. so....
wtf is really going on with the indian gambling industry? (again...the commentary is probably best left ignored...)
and why can't we make up our minds to save the babies?
wtf is really going on with the indian gambling industry? (again...the commentary is probably best left ignored...)
and why can't we make up our minds to save the babies?
1.09.2006
stupid white men
first pat robertson, and now pat boone.
just a little something to get you started (addendum: the links are my own.):
uh huh.
yeah.
oh. if you'd prefer lighter reading, glance at this. warning: the overly-pretentious commentary might kill your buzz.
just a little something to get you started (addendum: the links are my own.):
Wes Vernon (WV): Recently, XM [Satellite] Radio did a four-week marathon across six of its channels, starting out with the hits of the Thirties, and going right up to the Millennium. I followed most of that, I really enjoyed it until they got to the mid-Eighties. Right about then, I sort of fell off the sled. [At that point] they got into stuff I couldn't recognize [or] deal with. Is it just me? Is it a cultural or generational difference, or what?
BOONE: Oh, man, the whole music industry has been [dragged] into the ghetto. In fact, I see it as a ghettoization ... a coarsening of the culture, led by the entertainment industry. [This applies to] music in particular, because once ... hip-hop [and rap] music came in--because it was an outgrowth of ... a street or urban culture.
That is not to be derogatory. It was kids ... doing hip-hop stuff and rap and you know, throwing themselves under the pavement and doing all kinds of crazy gyrations, and really dramatic athletic things....
It captured the attention of not only the kids, but the record executives who saw a new thing that they could make a lot of money with, so they promoted it like crazy. And they discovered that if a hip-hop or rap artist had a criminal record, and if he was part of a gang ... out of it came an overnight hugely popular NWA [which stood for] "N**gers-With-Attitude."
Then there was Two-Live Crew, with them advocating that you should get a gun and shoot a cop.
All of this gangster mentality, and the danger and the guns, "Pimps and Whores and Bitches"--and all of this stuff was actively promoted by the hierarchy of the record business. They saw they could make millions promoting performers [who] made sure you knew they had been to prison, they'd been shot up.
The guy that was on with Dave Letterman last night calls himself Fifty-Cent. The first question was, "You'd been shot nine times?" [His answer was] "Yeah." And then he talks about being in prison and being in gang wars and selling drugs. So that [supposedly] makes him a very hip artist.
So all these artists--I say artists, [I should say] these performers--are making millions, driving Rolls-Royces, and buying [fancy homes], and dragging urban and suburban kids into a ghetto culture. It's one of the most ironic, crazy things that I have ever seen in my life.
WV: About as idiotic as you could imagine. Pointless.
BOONE: Yes, I mean they wear big diamond rings, put diamonds in their teeth.... [They get] all kinds of endorsements and people around them just making them into glamorous figures. They put out a record [and for] most of it, you can't understand a single word even if they perform it [live]. You're distracted by them grabbing their crotches. They've got--they say--"skanky-looking" women behind them, chanting and making all kinds of suggestive moves. All of it [is] designed to make this rap performer--and occasionally a white performer just trying to get in on it--making him look like [someone] who is able to serve as many women that they all desire. He takes his pick of all the women, and gives them ... champagne. I mean, these are all in the lyrics of their songs.
One that I saw on "Saturday Night Live" recently ... was doing a song called 'You Can Lick my Lollypop.' He makes it very clear what he's referring to. This is about a four-minute number as he struts around the stage, and the background singers act [as if] they just can't wait to get to him.
uh huh.
yeah.
oh. if you'd prefer lighter reading, glance at this. warning: the overly-pretentious commentary might kill your buzz.
1.06.2006
some friday musings
the economy's still shot.
why do we still have ppl coal mining in 2006?
i can say this about pat robertson: he's an equal opportunity idiot. other folks seem to have similar thoughts. big up to mom & dad for refusing to let me turn on the 700 club, even as background noise.
i would kill for some of these right about now. i'd machine gun a few kittens for for this veggie burger, too. why the hell am i so hungry lately?
etc
etc
etc
why do we still have ppl coal mining in 2006?
i can say this about pat robertson: he's an equal opportunity idiot. other folks seem to have similar thoughts. big up to mom & dad for refusing to let me turn on the 700 club, even as background noise.
i would kill for some of these right about now. i'd machine gun a few kittens for for this veggie burger, too. why the hell am i so hungry lately?
etc
etc
etc
1.05.2006
temple of my familiar
i wanna go here.
and here.
walk thru gates like these.
my father brought home pictures like this from his tour in vietnam. ever since i was a child, i've wanted to visit places like that. where churches were more than "churches".
i have always felt at home in holy/sacred spaces. the older the better. catholic churches are some of my favorites...i suppose since they're the closest to the ancient ones we have that are relatively accessible to me.
although i'm sure y'all know i'm not into the whole christian side of things, i love god. i am most myself in those spaces where people gather their energy for the good of something they percieve as greater than themselves.
i'm not sure why.
all those lives as a priestess i suppose.
and here.
walk thru gates like these.
my father brought home pictures like this from his tour in vietnam. ever since i was a child, i've wanted to visit places like that. where churches were more than "churches".
i have always felt at home in holy/sacred spaces. the older the better. catholic churches are some of my favorites...i suppose since they're the closest to the ancient ones we have that are relatively accessible to me.
although i'm sure y'all know i'm not into the whole christian side of things, i love god. i am most myself in those spaces where people gather their energy for the good of something they percieve as greater than themselves.
i'm not sure why.
all those lives as a priestess i suppose.
you need this movie.
just trust me on this one, kids.
the folks behind it all
it was given to me, so i pass it to you.
more people need to see more things like this.
i think that part of the reason this country is stuck wallowing in its own mess is because we're understimulated.
i know most people would say we're overstimulated....too much access to information and such. but most of the information and images we're exposed to here are junk food. they make you feel good for a moment or three, but over time, they're just going to make you sick. and dis-ease can only lead to time and energy spent on regaining wellness (re-education) instead of spending that time and energy into making something new. better. something that will benefit.
there is too much power in the wrong hands.
our "freedoms" aren't burgeoning our creativity. in any sphere...not just art/music/whatever.
we have confused a high standard of living with satisfactory quality of life.
they are not the same thing.
i'm going to keep saying that until people get it.
the folks behind it all
it was given to me, so i pass it to you.
more people need to see more things like this.
i think that part of the reason this country is stuck wallowing in its own mess is because we're understimulated.
i know most people would say we're overstimulated....too much access to information and such. but most of the information and images we're exposed to here are junk food. they make you feel good for a moment or three, but over time, they're just going to make you sick. and dis-ease can only lead to time and energy spent on regaining wellness (re-education) instead of spending that time and energy into making something new. better. something that will benefit.
there is too much power in the wrong hands.
our "freedoms" aren't burgeoning our creativity. in any sphere...not just art/music/whatever.
we have confused a high standard of living with satisfactory quality of life.
they are not the same thing.
i'm going to keep saying that until people get it.
1.04.2006
i love this man
if i was that kind of psycho girl/fan, i'd probably send him an email & ask him to marry me.
what can i say? i like the way he thinks.
right on, tim.
right on.
(read the artist's statements. seriously.)
what can i say? i like the way he thinks.
I sometimes think that if everyone were simultaneously exposed, if we finally found out exactly how weird everyone else really was--if, as an old cartoon of mine has it, we all had X-ray vision--we might all finally agree to let drop quite a lot of the pious horseshit that passes for public discourse in this country. The people who are really creepy and dangerous are the ones who aren't faking; who really do wait until marriage and then only ever do it in the missionary position in the dark for the God-sanctioned purpose of procreation. It gives me a little shudder of revulsion just to think about it.
right on, tim.
right on.
(read the artist's statements. seriously.)
soul-mirror
take this how u wanna.
i know earth goddesses.
fire women.
i suppose i’m a love sprite.
but not like…a silly, pixie-ish one just out for blazing trails & breaking hearts.
i'm an older, wiser one.
full of river-water and tiger strength.
seeing thru lotus-blossom irises.
one that brings you the loves that teach you lessons, change your life.
loves that make you whole when you’re broken.
and when you're whole? my love breaks you down...
only to rebuild you in the image of god.
that type of love goddess.
a spirit not really meant to stay here for long. or maybe just didn’t need to.
but decided to settle in for a loooong stay anyway.
how can i say these things about myself?
how can anyone?
does it make sense? fuck if i know.
i just know it. it comes to me. in my dreams, in my thoughts...
and right now, in this constant state of dream-waking....i don't know what's really real and what isn't. i don't know how i drive to work in the morning. how i make it home at night. i just do.
i'm going thru the motions on a lot of levels. for at least 8 hrs a day.
but i know what i hear. what i see.
it's becoming more and more difficult to shut my eyes.
if that means
getting crazier
dancing naked in moonlight
dressing like a child
shedding my skin
following my bliss
buying more jewelry
skipping town
...so be it.
i gotta get free.
hang in there...there's prolly gonna be several more ramblings like this one before it's all over.
just do like the bumper sticker says: get in, sit down, shut up, hold on.
1.03.2006
happy new year...
i'm rather exhausted, so i'll just leave it at that.
i'll be...around. one way or another. but if you don't hear from me, it's just due to a need for introspection.
catch y'all on the other side.
peace.
(addendum: ok. so i came back the next day & posted an entry....who knew? guess i'm more resilient than i thought. huh? huh?)
i'll be...around. one way or another. but if you don't hear from me, it's just due to a need for introspection.
catch y'all on the other side.
peace.
(addendum: ok. so i came back the next day & posted an entry....who knew? guess i'm more resilient than i thought. huh? huh?)
12.29.2005
it ain't over til it's over...
right?
hm. ok then.
bring it on.
i'm ready to fight.
i suppose i should explain.
you might think it's romantic to be "fought over".
but it's really not all it's cracked up to be.
i have been fortunate enough to love very deeply and have that love returned.
right now, that love involves two very different, highly determined, and very much in-love-with-me men.
now, not surprisingly, i've come to a point where i have to choose.
i could go into detail about why both of them are important, why i love both of them, etc.
but the longer i did that, the crazier it would sound....well, maybe not if it were a book or a movie.
but this is my life.
and theirs.
there was nothing purposeful about this.
it didn't start off as a game gone wrong.
nor some sort of "i wonder what would happen if..."
still, as i sit here, i hold the hearts of two beautiful people in my hands.
and i have to make a choice.
hm. ok then.
bring it on.
i'm ready to fight.
i suppose i should explain.
you might think it's romantic to be "fought over".
but it's really not all it's cracked up to be.
i have been fortunate enough to love very deeply and have that love returned.
right now, that love involves two very different, highly determined, and very much in-love-with-me men.
now, not surprisingly, i've come to a point where i have to choose.
i could go into detail about why both of them are important, why i love both of them, etc.
but the longer i did that, the crazier it would sound....well, maybe not if it were a book or a movie.
but this is my life.
and theirs.
there was nothing purposeful about this.
it didn't start off as a game gone wrong.
nor some sort of "i wonder what would happen if..."
still, as i sit here, i hold the hearts of two beautiful people in my hands.
and i have to make a choice.
12.27.2005
12.23.2005
happy solstice
all thanks & praise to the Universe for guiding me through another change of seasons...i gratefully celebrate the return of the sun. ashe.
i just wanted to wish y'all (i.e. anybody who reads this) joyous holidays & what not. i don't really do xmas, but i always enjoy acknowledging and celebrating new beginnings.
so, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you celebrate
celebrate well
and long
and safely
surrounded by blood family
new family
or adopted family
and anyone and anything else you love.
may the new year bring you all continued peace and blessings.
trust in the Universe. It knows what It's doing.
ashe
ashe
ashe-o
love & light,
omi
i just wanted to wish y'all (i.e. anybody who reads this) joyous holidays & what not. i don't really do xmas, but i always enjoy acknowledging and celebrating new beginnings.
so, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you celebrate
celebrate well
and long
and safely
surrounded by blood family
new family
or adopted family
and anyone and anything else you love.
may the new year bring you all continued peace and blessings.
trust in the Universe. It knows what It's doing.
ashe
ashe
ashe-o
love & light,
omi
12.21.2005
goings on
ok, so even if katrina was "weaker" than they thought, does it matter?
does this mean that people are going to have to fight harder to get what they need?
i mean, seriously...i can just see the excuses formulating in mofo's heads...
new york's on lockdown...interesting how people take things for granted...and how much power the "little people" can truly have when they exercise it.
more on tookie...
shit meets fan...
and, on a lighter note, some humorous reading.
does this mean that people are going to have to fight harder to get what they need?
i mean, seriously...i can just see the excuses formulating in mofo's heads...
new york's on lockdown...interesting how people take things for granted...and how much power the "little people" can truly have when they exercise it.
more on tookie...
shit meets fan...
and, on a lighter note, some humorous reading.
12.19.2005
dreaming of a white christmas?
so are they.
more on the women for aryan unity.
you might also want to investigate the roots of aryan history as pertains to india. and the origins of the swastika symbol.
more on the women for aryan unity.
you might also want to investigate the roots of aryan history as pertains to india. and the origins of the swastika symbol.
off schedule
well, due to my sojourn to philly this weekend, i was thrown off task. so the fast will have to start this evening...first full day will be tomorrow.
i had hoped to be a couple of days into it by the solstice, but oh well. everything for a reason.
this post isn't gonna have a whole lot of cohesiveness to it, so...
there is housecleaning to be done. i didn't get a chance to do it like i should have before i left, so it's just there, staring me in the face. if i don't get to it any other time this week, thursday evening or friday are probably my best bets.
aside from making the cookies, i am still at a loss to figure out what the hell to get anyone for xmas. this isn't really a problem from an emotional standpoint, as i really don't officially celebrate anyway, but it is as good a time as any to give a little something to the ppl i love. so i take advantage. we'll see how my time and pockets hold up.
i am realizing that i am very much loved and in love. and i'm enjoying every minute of it. even the scary parts.
i miss being able to listen to music at an appropriate volume (at work, that is).
confession: i just bought de la soul's stakes is high sunday afternoon (why the fuck don't they have an official site? huh?). yes, i'm a bad b-girl. i know.
actually, there are a lot of hip hop "classics" that i don't yet own. although i am of the appropriate generation, i came into the love of hip hop pretty damn late. i was raised on r&b. shoot me. if you have any suggestions for other hip hop albums i should own or be disowned, please leave them in the comments section.
i think that's it for now...i feel a little more poetry coming on, so maybe i'll share. maybe.
i had hoped to be a couple of days into it by the solstice, but oh well. everything for a reason.
this post isn't gonna have a whole lot of cohesiveness to it, so...
there is housecleaning to be done. i didn't get a chance to do it like i should have before i left, so it's just there, staring me in the face. if i don't get to it any other time this week, thursday evening or friday are probably my best bets.
aside from making the cookies, i am still at a loss to figure out what the hell to get anyone for xmas. this isn't really a problem from an emotional standpoint, as i really don't officially celebrate anyway, but it is as good a time as any to give a little something to the ppl i love. so i take advantage. we'll see how my time and pockets hold up.
i am realizing that i am very much loved and in love. and i'm enjoying every minute of it. even the scary parts.
i miss being able to listen to music at an appropriate volume (at work, that is).
confession: i just bought de la soul's stakes is high sunday afternoon (why the fuck don't they have an official site? huh?). yes, i'm a bad b-girl. i know.
actually, there are a lot of hip hop "classics" that i don't yet own. although i am of the appropriate generation, i came into the love of hip hop pretty damn late. i was raised on r&b. shoot me. if you have any suggestions for other hip hop albums i should own or be disowned, please leave them in the comments section.
i think that's it for now...i feel a little more poetry coming on, so maybe i'll share. maybe.
12.16.2005
reflections
i'm angry again.
after everything that was said to me yesterday (the Divine speaks thru those closest to you...if you need a prayer answered, get into a deep convo with a friend. i'm not kidding.)...i dunno. i'm chafing at the bit again.
i know i can't afford to get too numb or too comfortable. but how do i survive and remain aware?
it's amazing the skin i have to stuff myself in just to keep from sitting at my desk and screaming uncontrollably. or shooting someone every time they tell me to order, copy, fix, coordinate, or explain something.
whenever i have enough time to think, i remember this.
i'm realizing now that i've been burying little pieces of myself, waiting for the appropriate moment or time to reveal them again.
i hid them away for safekeeping
because it wasn't going to get me a "real" job.
because i had to make some money.
so my intuition couldn't take over.
because i had to eat.
because i had to starve.
so i wouldn't drive him away.
so i wouldn't bring him closer.
because there was no money to travel.
because i don't think i'm worth it.
because they said it wasn't worth it.
someone else could always do it better.
because i don't trust my visions.
because i wanted to be "normal".
i was stuck in traffic.
because my inspiration is often pain.
i hated all my notebooks and everything in them.
because she thought i couldn't.
because no one's going to send me back to therapy.
i didn't even realize it was happening. but by the time i identified the sickness for what it was, i was on something close to a deathbed.
it's not really safekeeping when the possibility of each little thing creeping back out of the soil terrifies you.
i'm tired now.
something's dying and i want to save it.
i am closed.
i want to open.
i can't afford to stay as drunk/high as i feel i'd need to be to survive more self-imposed repression. self-mutilation and suicide aren't options.
i'm afraid of what will happen to me if i don't have a breakthrough.
and i'm equally afraid of what will happen if i do.
i believe that this, ladies & gents, is what is commonly known as a crisis.
eh.
after everything that was said to me yesterday (the Divine speaks thru those closest to you...if you need a prayer answered, get into a deep convo with a friend. i'm not kidding.)...i dunno. i'm chafing at the bit again.
i know i can't afford to get too numb or too comfortable. but how do i survive and remain aware?
it's amazing the skin i have to stuff myself in just to keep from sitting at my desk and screaming uncontrollably. or shooting someone every time they tell me to order, copy, fix, coordinate, or explain something.
whenever i have enough time to think, i remember this.
i'm realizing now that i've been burying little pieces of myself, waiting for the appropriate moment or time to reveal them again.
i hid them away for safekeeping
because it wasn't going to get me a "real" job.
because i had to make some money.
so my intuition couldn't take over.
because i had to eat.
because i had to starve.
so i wouldn't drive him away.
so i wouldn't bring him closer.
because there was no money to travel.
because i don't think i'm worth it.
because they said it wasn't worth it.
someone else could always do it better.
because i don't trust my visions.
because i wanted to be "normal".
i was stuck in traffic.
because my inspiration is often pain.
i hated all my notebooks and everything in them.
because she thought i couldn't.
because no one's going to send me back to therapy.
i didn't even realize it was happening. but by the time i identified the sickness for what it was, i was on something close to a deathbed.
it's not really safekeeping when the possibility of each little thing creeping back out of the soil terrifies you.
i'm tired now.
something's dying and i want to save it.
i am closed.
i want to open.
i can't afford to stay as drunk/high as i feel i'd need to be to survive more self-imposed repression. self-mutilation and suicide aren't options.
i'm afraid of what will happen to me if i don't have a breakthrough.
and i'm equally afraid of what will happen if i do.
i believe that this, ladies & gents, is what is commonly known as a crisis.
eh.
12.15.2005
real talk
from a convo with a friend who enjoys kicking my ass when i need it...(thank heaven). it's been edited for typos and some clarity, but nothing else.
i'm posting this for everyone who may be in the same boat i am. if you don't have a friend of similar persuasion, print it out. put it somewhere. tack it to your forehead.
hell, i know it's not easy. if it were that easy, i wouldn't have to have read-heard this speech right along with you. i'm trying to convince myself, too.
but if you can sense your impending implosion like i can, which one is worse? seriously.
i'm posting this for everyone who may be in the same boat i am. if you don't have a friend of similar persuasion, print it out. put it somewhere. tack it to your forehead.
hell, i know it's not easy. if it were that easy, i wouldn't have to have read-heard this speech right along with you. i'm trying to convince myself, too.
but if you can sense your impending implosion like i can, which one is worse? seriously.
this is what i've learned and i've tried to get this in the heads of as many people as possible: once u get paid to do what you do, it makes you really figure out if u want to keep doing it. not because money means a lot, but because you can see the value that others give to what u write. it makes it more than a hobby or therapy. it gives it another dimension and you can sometimes gauge whether or not you like that other aspect of it. u see it in a different light.
i mean i've told a few people this, and i hate to rehash this speech for you, but...here goes.
some people use drugs and stuff to enhance this experience. THIS IS IT. nothing is going to give you a better trip then living. honestly. u have 5 senses that are bringing you information.
your eyes are giving you imax, hd, trillions of colors, dozens of different spectrums.
your ears are giving you dolby 17.2 sound, in stereo with surround...no sound system invented will ever deliver that kind of quality.
you get to wake up to a new trip everyday.
no low from smoking or shooting up or whatever will ever compare to what life offers, but the flip side is no high will ever touch life's either.
this is it. you have the ability to shape, alter and create every experience you have. it's the ultimate rush. get comfortable in your skin: it's yours for the entire trip.
the last thing you want to do is be much older with the "should have", "could have", "wished i would have"...this is it. you are creating your memories every day. every sec for when you are sitting still thinking about what the next phase has to offer. that's the point.
you are damn talented--DAMN TALENTED--you don't have to deny that. you don't have to try to conform or just fit in. you shouldn't. you have that gift for a reason. you can touch people in ways just by what you write. that is power. power to bend this reality. it sounds like some sci-fi shit, but it's true.
what i'm saying you already know...you have writers who are immortal because of what they wrote. people whose [descendants] never have to lift a finger because of what they wrote before they were born..that's the truth. u know i'm not wrong. u have the tool to reshape your world.
i mean, u may not aspire to riches or whatever, but you have the ability to find a place in this world where you can be creative and where this world will reward you for that. the rewards could be never being stressed about paying a bill, not being stressed about getting up to get to a job that you dislike if you don't wanna. i mean, that's what i see your talent as.
people learn by what they read and what they see. tv and movies educate so many people on relating to each other, but those 2 forms are only possible because of writers. u r a writer. do you really get that power? not to mention when people hear a story or get an idea from a writer that shows them a new idea or way of seeing the world around them. that's power.
if u give up on that i will kick your ass.
one of the reasons y i h8 rap right now is because these people have the entire world's attenton and they are only feeding them more garbage instead of helping them.
can u imagine if 50cent said something positive?
could you imagine if you had the ability to get your views heard by a million people? that's what u have to fight for. to be heard. u have something to say.
no one feels the pain and the joy in the way that u do, but they can relate if u tell them what u went though. that helps people. that's all im sayin...i mean u do a book and one person reads it that thought they were all alone...it's comforting to feel like you are not the only one going through some of life's experiences. no one is on earth alone, but everyone is on their own. that's the reality of a lot of people. yaknow...what u do helps to bridge that gap.
do u really think human exsistence would last without the written word? we can't communicate with pictures alone. you are a WRITER, a scribe...shit...im getting frustrated over here.
12.14.2005
why i love my honey
last night he made me laugh
like...
side-splittin
tummy hurtin
cantcatchbreath laughter
...this was
just before he offered
to oil my skin
simply because i said
the winter air was making me uncomfortable.
and here i was
supposedly caring for him
('cause he's the one with the cold)
i don't think i've ever felt so beautiful.
i guess i'd better marry him someday. 'cause i ain't finna have some other broad reapin' my benefits.
*grin*
like...
side-splittin
tummy hurtin
cantcatchbreath laughter
...this was
just before he offered
to oil my skin
simply because i said
the winter air was making me uncomfortable.
and here i was
supposedly caring for him
('cause he's the one with the cold)
i don't think i've ever felt so beautiful.
i guess i'd better marry him someday. 'cause i ain't finna have some other broad reapin' my benefits.
*grin*
spirit notes
you know how sometimes you need a little Spirit in your life? i picked up my book of rumi poems last week, and i've been reading ever since...
a favorite from this morning:
i adore the concept of closeness to God...the notion that god is a mystery and/or can never be understood has never been logical or feasible to me.
i think the Universe craves understanding and knowledge. attempting to understand the Divine in relevant & personal ways brings us closer to understanding ourselves.
whatever medium you use to achieve that understanding, as long as it is done in the spirit of love, devotion, and humility, becomes Divine in the process. if you see God in everything, you begin to create your paradise.
a favorite from this morning:
...i am apart from all that.
ways of worshiping are not to be ranked as better
or worse than one another...
it's not me that's glorified in acts of worship.
it's the worshipers! i don't hear the words
they say. i look inside at the humility.
that broken-open lowliness is the reality, not the language! forget phraseology.
i adore the concept of closeness to God...the notion that god is a mystery and/or can never be understood has never been logical or feasible to me.
i think the Universe craves understanding and knowledge. attempting to understand the Divine in relevant & personal ways brings us closer to understanding ourselves.
whatever medium you use to achieve that understanding, as long as it is done in the spirit of love, devotion, and humility, becomes Divine in the process. if you see God in everything, you begin to create your paradise.
12.13.2005
on: tookie
of course, people are talking...
whether he was guilty or innocent (that is, of the crimes that landed him on death row...no one can deny the damage gangs have done all over urban areas in this nation and around the world...), i do agree that an important opportunity was missed.
how anyone expected the terminator to catch on to that is beyond me. but i digress.
the bottom line here is the lack of a learning curve. mainstream america refuses to see that men like tookie are some of the few who can reach these troubled kids. they're the "heroes", the hood legends. the men and women 90% of rappers wish they were.
to some of our youth, these ppl aren't just the baddest motherfuckers on the block. they're also fathers. cousins. sons. lovers. brothers. and, whether we want to accept it or not, the only role models they have.
tookie's story could have been used as an example of the possibility of life after (social/spiritual) death. redemption. salvation.
instead, he's now just one more pillar of the "no matter what i do, i'm worthless to them anyway....so fuck it" school of social justice.
way to go, america.
whether he was guilty or innocent (that is, of the crimes that landed him on death row...no one can deny the damage gangs have done all over urban areas in this nation and around the world...), i do agree that an important opportunity was missed.
how anyone expected the terminator to catch on to that is beyond me. but i digress.
the bottom line here is the lack of a learning curve. mainstream america refuses to see that men like tookie are some of the few who can reach these troubled kids. they're the "heroes", the hood legends. the men and women 90% of rappers wish they were.
to some of our youth, these ppl aren't just the baddest motherfuckers on the block. they're also fathers. cousins. sons. lovers. brothers. and, whether we want to accept it or not, the only role models they have.
tookie's story could have been used as an example of the possibility of life after (social/spiritual) death. redemption. salvation.
instead, he's now just one more pillar of the "no matter what i do, i'm worthless to them anyway....so fuck it" school of social justice.
way to go, america.
12.12.2005
epidemic
i've heard this brother speak on a few occasions...we need more out there like him.
i truly believe that many of the young men we're losing will only listen to someone who's been there and back.
it's gotta stop.
i truly believe that many of the young men we're losing will only listen to someone who's been there and back.
it's gotta stop.
12.09.2005
down there
so i watched the vagina monologues for the first time last night (dvd, not the show itself), so i was thinking about some of the questions she asked the women in the documentary segments...
if your vagina could talk, what would it say?
i'm good
what would your vagina wear?
um...probably a lot of silk, cashmere, and satin.
when was the first time someone hurt your vagina?
i'm not quite sure...but i do remember when i learned that i could physically rebel against someone who wasn't good for me, even when i tried to ignore that fact.
interestingly enough, i'm finding that a lot of my openness with my body has to do with not being told things. i was never told not to touch it. i was never told it was bad or ugly or whatever. it just...was.
conversely, i wasn't beat over the head with the beauty of it all, either.
i was allowed to discover and explore a lot of things without condemnation or shame...for myself, not thru the eyes of someone else.
no, it wasn't because my parents were ultra-liberal hippies or back-to-nature fanatics. there were just more important things. like...school. or (for my father) keeping the doors locked at night.
when it came time to talk about sex, it was a perfectly natural thing. a thing that could have consequences, but nothing to be particularly hung up or ashamed about.
i'm glad for that.
if your vagina could talk, what would it say?
i'm good
what would your vagina wear?
um...probably a lot of silk, cashmere, and satin.
when was the first time someone hurt your vagina?
i'm not quite sure...but i do remember when i learned that i could physically rebel against someone who wasn't good for me, even when i tried to ignore that fact.
interestingly enough, i'm finding that a lot of my openness with my body has to do with not being told things. i was never told not to touch it. i was never told it was bad or ugly or whatever. it just...was.
conversely, i wasn't beat over the head with the beauty of it all, either.
i was allowed to discover and explore a lot of things without condemnation or shame...for myself, not thru the eyes of someone else.
no, it wasn't because my parents were ultra-liberal hippies or back-to-nature fanatics. there were just more important things. like...school. or (for my father) keeping the doors locked at night.
when it came time to talk about sex, it was a perfectly natural thing. a thing that could have consequences, but nothing to be particularly hung up or ashamed about.
i'm glad for that.
12.07.2005
well, i found a few more things...
guess these folks don't realize that christmas was never about christ. i was amped to see a pentagram among someone's holiday lights last night. at least they know the real reason for the season. right on.
just to get you started:
yeah. basically.
(and before you get freaked out about pentagrams read on...)
more strife for baltimore's schools...
katrina's winds are still blowing...
etc etc.
just to get you started:
One of the generals on the pro-Christmas side is Tim Wildmon, president of the American Family Association in Tupelo, Miss. "Sometimes it's hard to tell whether this is sinister -- it's the purging of Christ from Christmas -- or whether it's just political correctness run amok," he said. "I think in the case of the White House, it's just political correctness."
Retail boycotts
Wildmon does not give retailers the same benefit of the doubt. This year, he has called for a consumer boycott of Target stores because the chain issued a holiday advertising circular that did not mention Christmas. Last year, he aimed a similar boycott at Macy's Inc., which averted a repeat this December by proclaiming "Merry Christmas" in its advertising and in-store displays.
"It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House," Wildmon said. "What's going on there?"
yeah. basically.
(and before you get freaked out about pentagrams read on...)
more strife for baltimore's schools...
katrina's winds are still blowing...
etc etc.
sperm doesn't like soy?
i was shown this article today...
i--and so do many holistic practitioners--maintain that a veggie/vegan diet is ideal for most colored folk around the planet. centuries of evolution has a little bit of a say in some things, ya know.
eh. whatever. i'm not interested in (having any) babies at the moment anyway.
i--and so do many holistic practitioners--maintain that a veggie/vegan diet is ideal for most colored folk around the planet. centuries of evolution has a little bit of a say in some things, ya know.
eh. whatever. i'm not interested in (having any) babies at the moment anyway.
12.06.2005
11.29.2005
just a little update
ok so i'm off work this week (yay!), and since i am still without technology at home, you won't see me much until next week.
but i've got some cool shit in the works...
i would say more, but i wanna finish up my panang (w/ tofu, of course. and i can't really taste any fish sauce either...but it's so damn good that if it's there, i don't care. if you're in the md/va/dc area, check out cafe asia if you get a chance) before i have to run off to yoga class, plus i have to get home and change clothes first and...
you get the idea.
but let me just say that while i'm happy for a sista's success & all, tyra gets on my damn nerves. probably just my personal problem. but i'm interested in tomorrow's show...
see y'all sometime after 12/5.
love & peace
(p.s....if this tour is coming to a city near you, GO, DAMMIT, GO)
but i've got some cool shit in the works...
i would say more, but i wanna finish up my panang (w/ tofu, of course. and i can't really taste any fish sauce either...but it's so damn good that if it's there, i don't care. if you're in the md/va/dc area, check out cafe asia if you get a chance) before i have to run off to yoga class, plus i have to get home and change clothes first and...
you get the idea.
but let me just say that while i'm happy for a sista's success & all, tyra gets on my damn nerves. probably just my personal problem. but i'm interested in tomorrow's show...
see y'all sometime after 12/5.
love & peace
(p.s....if this tour is coming to a city near you, GO, DAMMIT, GO)
11.23.2005
so the restaurant we were gonna hit is closed....
dude's checking on another option....
we may wind up just holed up in the kitchen together...which wouldn't be such a bad thing.
we may wind up just holed up in the kitchen together...which wouldn't be such a bad thing.
no thanks to thanksgiving
One indication of moral progress in the United States would be the replacement of Thanksgiving Day and its self-indulgent family feasting with a National Day of Atonement accompanied by a self-reflective collective fasting.
In fact, indigenous people have offered such a model; since 1970 they have marked the fourth Thursday of November as a Day of Mourning in a spiritual/political ceremony on Coles Hill overlooking Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, one of the early sites of the European invasion of the Americas.
Not only is the thought of such a change in this white-supremacist holiday impossible to imagine, but the very mention of the idea sends most Americans into apoplectic fits -- which speaks volumes about our historical hypocrisy and its relation to the contemporary politics of empire in the United States.
That the world's great powers achieved "greatness" through criminal brutality on a grand scale is not news, of course. That those same societies are reluctant to highlight this history of barbarism also is predictable.
But in the United States, this reluctance to acknowledge our original sin -- the genocide of indigenous people -- is of special importance today. It's now routine -- even among conservative commentators -- to describe the United States as an empire, so long as everyone understands we are an inherently benevolent one. Because all our history contradicts that claim, history must be twisted and tortured to serve the purposes of the powerful.
you can read the entire article here.
11.22.2005
antiques roadshow and thanks(for nothing)giving
i like antiques roadshow. it's rather neat to see people come in with something they paid $2 for that winds up being worth over $10,000. every thrift store shopper and garage sale-addict's dream, right?
but sometimes i'm a little disturbed by the finds and heirlooms folks bring in.
last night they were in oklahoma city, and various references came up regarding indian territory. according to wikipedia:
my mother recently saw an episode where a pair of native american moccasins was appraised at something like $25,000. apparently it's rare to find artifacts from these people, and they had never been worn.
she said that she would put the shoes up for auction and give the money back to the nation who made them.
it would be nice if you heard that more often, wouldn't it?
it's easy for some to forget how this country was built and whose homes were trampled upon to expand this nation from the atlantic to the pacific. this history has left us with a salad bowl--not a melting pot, imo--of peoples and tensions that have never been properly explored, examined, healed, or even revealed. there are too many who do not understand their stake in this land from a holistic perspective.
everyone resting on this land has a story to tell.
which leads me, naturally, to the upcoming holiday season.
please consider the spirit, if not the practice, of buy nothing day. i touched on the idea of a sustainable future yesterday. at the rate we're going, we don't have a great chance at said future.
there are some of us who are able to downshift and simply won't hear of the idea of giving up the pretty baubles we enjoy from day to day.
be thankful for the real things in life...the things that don't cost a dime, and that you'd still have even if you were dirt broke and living in a crappy studio apartment like the one you had in college.
and if none of those things have a presence in your life, reevaluate.
that said, i hope everyone reading this winds up with a full belly and good memories by thursday evening. do everything you can to skip the drama (whatever that may mean for you & yours) this holiday season.
peace.
but sometimes i'm a little disturbed by the finds and heirlooms folks bring in.
last night they were in oklahoma city, and various references came up regarding indian territory. according to wikipedia:
The Indian Territory served as the destination for the policy of Indian Removal, a policy pursued intermittently by American presidents early in the nineteenth century, but aggressively pursued by President Andrew Jackson after the passage of the Indian Removal Act of 1830. The Five Civilized Tribes in the south were the most prominent tribes displaced by the policy, a relocation that came to be known as the Trail of Tears. The trail ended in what is now Arkansas and Oklahoma, where there were already many American Indians living in the territory, as well as whites and escaped slaves. Other tribes, such as the Delaware, Cheyenne, and Apache were also forced to relocate to the Indian territory.
The Five Civilized Tribes set up towns such as Tulsa, Ardmore, Tahlequah, Muskogee and others, which often became some of the larger towns in the state. They also brought their African slaves to Oklahoma, which added to the African-American population in the state.
In time the Indian Territory was gradually reduced to what is now Oklahoma and, with the organization of Oklahoma Territory, the eastern half of the state. The citizens of Indian Territory tried in 1905 to gain admission to the union as the State of Sequoyah but were rebuffed by Washington. With statehood in November 1907, Indian Territory was extinguished. Many American Indians continue to live in Oklahoma, especially in the eastern part.
my mother recently saw an episode where a pair of native american moccasins was appraised at something like $25,000. apparently it's rare to find artifacts from these people, and they had never been worn.
she said that she would put the shoes up for auction and give the money back to the nation who made them.
it would be nice if you heard that more often, wouldn't it?
it's easy for some to forget how this country was built and whose homes were trampled upon to expand this nation from the atlantic to the pacific. this history has left us with a salad bowl--not a melting pot, imo--of peoples and tensions that have never been properly explored, examined, healed, or even revealed. there are too many who do not understand their stake in this land from a holistic perspective.
everyone resting on this land has a story to tell.
which leads me, naturally, to the upcoming holiday season.
please consider the spirit, if not the practice, of buy nothing day. i touched on the idea of a sustainable future yesterday. at the rate we're going, we don't have a great chance at said future.
there are some of us who are able to downshift and simply won't hear of the idea of giving up the pretty baubles we enjoy from day to day.
be thankful for the real things in life...the things that don't cost a dime, and that you'd still have even if you were dirt broke and living in a crappy studio apartment like the one you had in college.
and if none of those things have a presence in your life, reevaluate.
that said, i hope everyone reading this winds up with a full belly and good memories by thursday evening. do everything you can to skip the drama (whatever that may mean for you & yours) this holiday season.
peace.
11.21.2005
and on another note....
why do they always have to have these massive layoffs just before the holidays? are you telling me they couldn't have waited a month and a half?? not that anything would truly soften the blow...
i suppose it has something to do with clearing things up by the end of the fiscal year, but nobody wants to hear that bullshit.
america is determined to shoot herself in the foot. we are not keeping up with the times, and it's beginning to show.
unless we wanna wind up in paris' shoes, it's time to wake up, folks.
i suppose it has something to do with clearing things up by the end of the fiscal year, but nobody wants to hear that bullshit.
america is determined to shoot herself in the foot. we are not keeping up with the times, and it's beginning to show.
unless we wanna wind up in paris' shoes, it's time to wake up, folks.
two americas
what the hell is up with fresno?
i'm still amazed at the fact that i can go to a store full of food on any given day and buy just about anything i want, and there may be someone in the apartment next to mine half starved.
ppl are still jumping over the border (well, the border that jumped them anyway) to get to this country because they want something better for their children. but i'm sure it hurts more when their babies turn against them in favor of the ruthless and sometimes soulless "american way".
what's the win-win solution for these immigrants?
how can they stake out a living for themselves without having to succumb to the vices and pitfalls of american culture?
is a hovel in america really better than a shack at home?
is there some way to improve their quality of life at home so that they don't have to go thru heartache here?
where does the sustainable future for us all lie?
obviously, i can't speak to what would make these people risk life & limb to get here. still, when i hear that ppl in other lands are still telling their children about our gold-paved streets, all i can think--as the descendent of kidnapped and bound "immigrants"--is that slavery due to socioeconomic factors is really not a whole lot different from chattel slavery.
granted, at least they willingly came, but the freedom of poverty is even less than the freedom of being human property.
i don't know. just rambling.
This city at the heart of the richest farmland in the world has been poor for so long, no one can remember it otherwise. Last month, when the Brookings Institution issued a report that said a higher proportion of poor people in Fresno lived in areas of concentrated poverty than in any other major city in the country - pre-Katrina New Orleans was number two - no one here was surprised...
...[Fresno mayor Alan] Autry said that although officials have no idea how many illegal immigrants live in Fresno (the city is about 45 percent Latino, mostly Mexican, with a rising number of Hmong refugees), 20 percent of the people in the county jails are illegal immigrants. About one quarter of emergency room visits are from illegal immigrants and the vast majority of the tenants in the worst housing in the worst neighborhoods are immigrants, presumably including illegal immigrants.
"If we don't have a policy that allows an immigrant to come across with their dignity and their respect as well as their work ethic, we're going to pay an awful price," Autry said. "We already are."...
But illegal immigration...cannot be blamed for all of Fresno's woes. As those fleeing the skyrocketing housing prices in Southern California and the San Francisco Bay area have converged here in the past three years, land and housing prices have increased by nearly 60 percent... Meanwhile, rents have increased by nearly 15 percent.
i'm still amazed at the fact that i can go to a store full of food on any given day and buy just about anything i want, and there may be someone in the apartment next to mine half starved.
ppl are still jumping over the border (well, the border that jumped them anyway) to get to this country because they want something better for their children. but i'm sure it hurts more when their babies turn against them in favor of the ruthless and sometimes soulless "american way".
what's the win-win solution for these immigrants?
how can they stake out a living for themselves without having to succumb to the vices and pitfalls of american culture?
is a hovel in america really better than a shack at home?
is there some way to improve their quality of life at home so that they don't have to go thru heartache here?
where does the sustainable future for us all lie?
obviously, i can't speak to what would make these people risk life & limb to get here. still, when i hear that ppl in other lands are still telling their children about our gold-paved streets, all i can think--as the descendent of kidnapped and bound "immigrants"--is that slavery due to socioeconomic factors is really not a whole lot different from chattel slavery.
granted, at least they willingly came, but the freedom of poverty is even less than the freedom of being human property.
i don't know. just rambling.
11.15.2005
lessons
have you ever had a moment where your happiness depended on the pain of another?
it is not an easy thing to endure.
particularly when you love that person deeply.
it is not an easy thing to endure.
particularly when you love that person deeply.
11.09.2005
pensées aléatoires
~i'm finding out what a gift it was to have parents devoted to making me feel loved, safe, and secure. not only that...they valued my personhood enough to allow me to become myself. and all this was done without turning me into an insufferable braggart, stuck-up shrew, or spoiled brat.
~i don't have nearly enough sex. my winter solstice present to myself will most likely be a new toy. or two.
~my current job bores me to tears. speaking of jobs, i've only really had "jobs". i have not embarked on any particular career path in my life. i think i'm getting to a point where i need that to change.
~cable knit sweaters = heaven. i also want more heavy shawls/wraps. and a new winter coat which i will probably get from a thrift store to avoid the cookie cutter effect.
~i said i was going to do some work in 5 minutes about an hour ago...
~my camera needs to become a part of my body. part of my tax return may go towards a decent analog cam and plenty of black & white film. i also have digital shots that need to be printed up.
~seen on the train: blk man with huge green rasta crown and silver studio-sized headphones. khaki burlap bag. jeans. earth-brown skin. boots. looked more new york than baltimore. i had an overwhelming desire to know who he was & where he came from.
~i'm fasting for the next solstice.
~i want the poems to come back. and the stories. i need to organize and consolidate my work. i want to stop fighting my creativity and use it instead.
~investment in more tams/crowns soon come...i'm still feeling the need to cover. i feel naked without a headwrap these days.
~i am caught between two worlds.
~my new laptop needs to be easily portable. i wanna do more work outside or at least in places like restaurants and coffeehouses. that's the energy that will keep me going. photoshop will be a must.
~i plan on getting fairly drunk friday night...probably because it'll be the last time i do so for awhile. but i still plan on cutting out most alcohol by age 30.
~i don't have nearly enough sex. my winter solstice present to myself will most likely be a new toy. or two.
~my current job bores me to tears. speaking of jobs, i've only really had "jobs". i have not embarked on any particular career path in my life. i think i'm getting to a point where i need that to change.
~cable knit sweaters = heaven. i also want more heavy shawls/wraps. and a new winter coat which i will probably get from a thrift store to avoid the cookie cutter effect.
~i said i was going to do some work in 5 minutes about an hour ago...
~my camera needs to become a part of my body. part of my tax return may go towards a decent analog cam and plenty of black & white film. i also have digital shots that need to be printed up.
~seen on the train: blk man with huge green rasta crown and silver studio-sized headphones. khaki burlap bag. jeans. earth-brown skin. boots. looked more new york than baltimore. i had an overwhelming desire to know who he was & where he came from.
~i'm fasting for the next solstice.
~i want the poems to come back. and the stories. i need to organize and consolidate my work. i want to stop fighting my creativity and use it instead.
~investment in more tams/crowns soon come...i'm still feeling the need to cover. i feel naked without a headwrap these days.
~i am caught between two worlds.
~my new laptop needs to be easily portable. i wanna do more work outside or at least in places like restaurants and coffeehouses. that's the energy that will keep me going. photoshop will be a must.
~i plan on getting fairly drunk friday night...probably because it'll be the last time i do so for awhile. but i still plan on cutting out most alcohol by age 30.
11.04.2005
all i wanna do tonight
is sit with him, maybe watch a movie...listen to some music...
fall asleep in his arms...
wake up to his smile in the morning...
but instead i'm gonna wind up cleaning the apartment and playing with the cat.
*sigh* oh well.
i could always hop out for a drink later, tho...
have a blessed weekend, y'all.
peace.
fall asleep in his arms...
wake up to his smile in the morning...
but instead i'm gonna wind up cleaning the apartment and playing with the cat.
*sigh* oh well.
i could always hop out for a drink later, tho...
have a blessed weekend, y'all.
peace.
say what?
as seen on alternet...i haven't read this in its entirety, so i'll leave those with a stake in the discussion to speak amongst themselves.
Catholic Church no longer swears by truth of the Bible
By Ruth Gledhill, Religion Correspondent
THE hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church has published a teaching document instructing the faithful that some parts of the Bible are not actually true.
The Catholic bishops of England, Wales and Scotland are warning their five million worshippers, as well as any others drawn to the study of scripture, that they should not expect “total accuracy” from the Bible.
“We should not expect to find in Scripture full scientific accuracy or complete historical precision,” they say in The Gift of Scripture.
The document is timely, coming as it does amid the rise of the religious Right, in particular in the US.
Some Christians want a literal interpretation of the story of creation, as told in Genesis, taught alongside Darwin’s theory of evolution in schools, believing “intelligent design” to be an equally plausible theory of how the world began.
But the first 11 chapters of Genesis, in which two different and at times conflicting stories of creation are told, are among those that this country’s Catholic bishops insist cannot be “historical”. At most, they say, they may contain “historical traces”.
The document shows how far the Catholic Church has come since the 17th century, when Galileo was condemned as a heretic for flouting a near-universal belief in the divine inspiration of the Bible by advocating the Copernican view of the solar system. Only a century ago, Pope Pius X condemned Modernist Catholic scholars who adapted historical-critical methods of analysing ancient literature to the Bible.
In the document, the bishops acknowledge their debt to biblical scholars. They say the Bible must be approached in the knowledge that it is “God’s word expressed in human language” and that proper acknowledgement should be given both to the word of God and its human dimensions.
They say the Church must offer the gospel in ways “appropriate to changing times, intelligible and attractive to our contemporaries”.
The Bible is true in passages relating to human salvation, they say, but continue: “We should not expect total accuracy from the Bible in other, secular matters.”
They go on to condemn fundamentalism for its “intransigent intolerance” and to warn of “significant dangers” involved in a fundamentalist approach.
“Such an approach is dangerous, for example, when people of one nation or group see in the Bible a mandate for their own superiority, and even consider themselves permitted by the Bible to use violence against others.”
Of the notorious anti-Jewish curse in Matthew 27:25, “His blood be on us and on our children”, a passage used to justify centuries of anti-Semitism, the bishops say these and other words must never be used again as a pretext to treat Jewish people with contempt. Describing this passage as an example of dramatic exaggeration, the bishops say they have had “tragic consequences” in encouraging hatred and persecution. “The attitudes and language of first-century quarrels between Jews and Jewish Christians should never again be emulated in relations between Jews and Christians.”
As examples of passages not to be taken literally, the bishops cite the early chapters of Genesis, comparing them with early creation legends from other cultures, especially from the ancient East. The bishops say it is clear that the primary purpose of these chapters was to provide religious teaching and that they could not be described as historical writing.
Similarly, they refute the apocalyptic prophecies of Revelation, the last book of the Christian Bible, in which the writer describes the work of the risen Jesus, the death of the Beast and the wedding feast of Christ the Lamb.
The bishops say: “Such symbolic language must be respected for what it is, and is not to be interpreted literally. We should not expect to discover in this book details about the end of the world, about how many will be saved and about when the end will come.”
In their foreword to the teaching document, the two most senior Catholics of the land, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, Archbishop of Westminster, and Cardinal Keith O’Brien, Archbishop of St Andrew’s and Edinburgh, explain its context.
They say people today are searching for what is worthwhile, what has real value, what can be trusted and what is really true.
The new teaching has been issued as part of the 40th anniversary celebrations of Dei Verbum, the Second Vatican Council document explaining the place of Scripture in revelation. In the past 40 years, Catholics have learnt more than ever before to cherish the Bible. “We have rediscovered the Bible as a precious treasure, both ancient and ever new.”
A Christian charity is sending a film about the Christmas story to every primary school in Britain after hearing of a young boy who asked his teacher why Mary and Joseph had named their baby after a swear word. The Breakout Trust raised £200,000 to make the 30-minute animated film, It’s a Boy. Steve Legg, head of the charity, said: “There are over 12 million children in the UK and only 756,000 of them go to church regularly.
That leaves a staggering number who are probably not receiving basic Christian teaching.”
BELIEVE IT OR NOT
UNTRUE
Genesis ii, 21-22
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man
Genesis iii, 16
God said to the woman [after she was beguiled by the serpent]: “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”
Matthew xxvii, 25
The words of the crowd: “His blood be on us and on our children.”
Revelation xix,20
And the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet who in its presence had worked the signs by which he deceived those who had received the mark of the beast and those who worshipped its image. These two were thrown alive into the lake of fire that burns with brimstone.”
TRUE
Exodus iii, 14
God reveals himself to Moses as: “I am who I am.”
Leviticus xxvi,12
“I will be your God, and you shall be my people.”
Exodus xx,1-17
The Ten Commandments
Matthew v,7
The Sermon on the Mount
Mark viii,29
Peter declares Jesus to be the Christ
Luke i
The Virgin Birth
John xx,28
Proof of bodily resurrection
11.03.2005
dreams...
i had a dream that i was gazing into a man's eyes...they were indigo-blue and flecked with black....
it was like i could see the entire universe in them.
i felt connected to him somehow...i didn't know/recognize him, but he seemed to have feelings for me. i wanted to look at him forever.
he started to tell me about how he was somewhere doing something that was important to him, and he looked out into the crowd and i wasn't there.
and he cried.
i held him. i could sense how comforted he was by that. his calm seeped over to me.
weird....
but in a nice way.
it was like i could see the entire universe in them.
i felt connected to him somehow...i didn't know/recognize him, but he seemed to have feelings for me. i wanted to look at him forever.
he started to tell me about how he was somewhere doing something that was important to him, and he looked out into the crowd and i wasn't there.
and he cried.
i held him. i could sense how comforted he was by that. his calm seeped over to me.
weird....
but in a nice way.
santa, my baby, and me
i've had a friend--as the old folks say--for the past several years.
we love each other and all...but it hasn't been easy.
...not that i expect it to be easy. i've had my share of relationships and probably more than my share of soulmate-worthy experiences, yet even at my most hopeful and naive, i've never expected easy.
but this experience has been...unique. to put it mildly.
e.g., for the last 2 new years of our relationship, by dec. 31st we've either been barely speaking or not together at all.
i'm beginning to realize how things that have happened over the course of those years have--from my point of view--stunted our growth. not to mention made me more shell-shocked (vs. increasingly comfortable) as time goes by.
i mean...first of all, i'm not an off/on kinda woman. either you're in or your out. the fact that we've broken up twice (three times? who's counting...) and bounced back for more has been distressing enough. i've always said that i was NEVER going to be that woman...
but i digress.
the holidays have been our special kind of hell.
as the season approaches once again, i can't help but get a little nervous--even if we did spit our annual quota of venom out over the last part of the summer.
most of you reading can probably tell by now that i don't put a lot of stock into the holiday season, at least not from any religious/material point of view. but it is a time when i get to see family i don't always see, maybe eat some good food, exchange some gifts, and have some fun.
i'm also very used to my significant other factoring into said time period in one way or another. it's just a part of being part of my life. adult commitment. or so i thought.
suffice it to say that i've walked into some land mines with this man.
one thing leads to another and before you know it, a whole year's worth of issues have snowballed into "why can't you just come to..." or "why can't i go with you when..."
as i said: it hasn't been easy.
still, with all that, we have grown.
and i still love him.
and he still loves me.
so here's to hoping that we can make it to dec. 31, 2005 intact, in love, and in friendship.
cheers.
we love each other and all...but it hasn't been easy.
...not that i expect it to be easy. i've had my share of relationships and probably more than my share of soulmate-worthy experiences, yet even at my most hopeful and naive, i've never expected easy.
but this experience has been...unique. to put it mildly.
e.g., for the last 2 new years of our relationship, by dec. 31st we've either been barely speaking or not together at all.
i'm beginning to realize how things that have happened over the course of those years have--from my point of view--stunted our growth. not to mention made me more shell-shocked (vs. increasingly comfortable) as time goes by.
i mean...first of all, i'm not an off/on kinda woman. either you're in or your out. the fact that we've broken up twice (three times? who's counting...) and bounced back for more has been distressing enough. i've always said that i was NEVER going to be that woman...
but i digress.
the holidays have been our special kind of hell.
as the season approaches once again, i can't help but get a little nervous--even if we did spit our annual quota of venom out over the last part of the summer.
most of you reading can probably tell by now that i don't put a lot of stock into the holiday season, at least not from any religious/material point of view. but it is a time when i get to see family i don't always see, maybe eat some good food, exchange some gifts, and have some fun.
i'm also very used to my significant other factoring into said time period in one way or another. it's just a part of being part of my life. adult commitment. or so i thought.
suffice it to say that i've walked into some land mines with this man.
one thing leads to another and before you know it, a whole year's worth of issues have snowballed into "why can't you just come to..." or "why can't i go with you when..."
as i said: it hasn't been easy.
still, with all that, we have grown.
and i still love him.
and he still loves me.
so here's to hoping that we can make it to dec. 31, 2005 intact, in love, and in friendship.
cheers.
11.02.2005
yurugu
if you can get your hands on this book, do so.
(note: used bookstores and libraries are probably your best bet...if you find it on amazon or ebay, you're going to probably pay $40+ for it. $30something if you're lucky)
i'm less of a 1/3 of the way through this, but it's an astounding study. if you weren't satisfied with, say, the isis papers, i highly suggest this instead.
ani's ideas--so far, anyway--are not so much controversial as they are a means of de-programming and stepping outside of the usual boundaries of what blk people are exposed to regarding themselves, their worldview, and their culture. we desperately need more scholarship like this.
if you and those around you just can't seem to "fit in", yurugu may hold some answers.
10.31.2005
epiphany
i'm learning something about myself...
i don't hold grudges.
forgiveness comes easily
but i don't forget.
not for a second.
if my first impression of you is less than stellar, i'm always going to have that in the back of my mind.
...that doesn't mean i hold anything against you.
but i won't put anything past you, either.
hence, i am rarely surprised.
when ppl tell you who they are, listen.
i don't hold grudges.
forgiveness comes easily
but i don't forget.
not for a second.
if my first impression of you is less than stellar, i'm always going to have that in the back of my mind.
...that doesn't mean i hold anything against you.
but i won't put anything past you, either.
hence, i am rarely surprised.
when ppl tell you who they are, listen.
10.28.2005
the tao of hip hop
i'm realizing that i haven't really listened to a lot of my hip hop cds.
i mean, truly listened.
being in love with a man who's in love with hip hop has made me rethink my associations with it.
largely i think my affiliation with hip hop is circumstance. born in the right place at the right time.
i know hip hop because i'm a child of the late 70s.
i love it because i was old enough to go to parties by the mid-late 90s.
but it was all by default. i didn't work for it.
i'm a work now, listening to a roots cd at some barely audible level--god knows why, it's not like there's anyone in the office with me at the moment.
this is definitely music made for headphones.
urban meditations.
back in college when i had my discman on at all times is when i think i truly took the time to really hear my music...
now, unless i'm at home, it just seems like a way to keep my brain from bleeding from my ears during the workday.
hm.
10.27.2005
prayer
mother/guiding light,
i know i am in the wrong place at the right time.
i realize that i am not living my potential, nor am i truly utilizing or embracing my talents as i should. there is somewhere i need to be...
the path is cloudy and my world tenuous.
help me reveal my best self to mySelf.
i am confident that i have all i need to "make it". it is my birthright--all i need to do is reclaim it. return to my child-mind.
i am listening to my dreams, but the manifestation is slow.
assist me in shoving myself out of my own Way.
i am thankful for the opportunity to meet like-minded sisters despite distance. a fellowship beyond words.
i am grateful for those who support me, even when they do not understand me. please open the way for more understanding. constant teaching and explanation is beginning to wear on me.
allow me to find more ways to make time for expansion and refute the walls imposed around me.
enable my blossoming.
ashe
ashe
ashe-o
it's become my practice/habit to pray in my journals...there are a few where you'd find pages-long entreaties to God or whoever else might be listening.
since i've had my altar, i'm in the habit of writing them down and placing them there before bed, generally with a white candle burning and a request for illuminating dreams.
this didn't "flow" nearly as well as i would have liked it to (damn always having to blog at work...), but i think i got the appropriate sentiment across.
She Lives
as seen on her site...
Goddess Mantra
(by Sister Goddess Michelle)
I am a Goddess.
I am responsible for my own happiness and pleasure.
I will let go of regret. I will let go of regret.
This is my life and I chose it.
I am in full command of my destiny.
I will not force memories upon myself that set me back.
I will look forward and anticipate my happiness.
I will live without regret.
I will embrace my gorgeousness, my magnetism, my
magnificence, my effervescence.
I will surround myself with people who appreciate me
and inspire me to go higher.
I will listen to great music and I will sing.
I will continue to learn.
I will practice yoga.
I will spread joy.
I will have frequent orgasms.
I will put my pleasure first.
I will be captivating.
I am fabulous and I know it and I will be it.
I am unafraid and I am not a victim.
I will make things happen, I will shake things up.
I will make a difference.
I will follow through.
I will dance often and decorate myself.
I will let myself be happy.
I will have faith in the order or the world and
I will stake my place in it.
Because no one can do this for me.
I must do this for me.
I am for me...others will follow.
re-posted from...mama gena's school of womanly arts
Goddess Mantra
(by Sister Goddess Michelle)
I am a Goddess.
I am responsible for my own happiness and pleasure.
I will let go of regret. I will let go of regret.
This is my life and I chose it.
I am in full command of my destiny.
I will not force memories upon myself that set me back.
I will look forward and anticipate my happiness.
I will live without regret.
I will embrace my gorgeousness, my magnetism, my
magnificence, my effervescence.
I will surround myself with people who appreciate me
and inspire me to go higher.
I will listen to great music and I will sing.
I will continue to learn.
I will practice yoga.
I will spread joy.
I will have frequent orgasms.
I will put my pleasure first.
I will be captivating.
I am fabulous and I know it and I will be it.
I am unafraid and I am not a victim.
I will make things happen, I will shake things up.
I will make a difference.
I will follow through.
I will dance often and decorate myself.
I will let myself be happy.
I will have faith in the order or the world and
I will stake my place in it.
Because no one can do this for me.
I must do this for me.
I am for me...others will follow.
re-posted from...mama gena's school of womanly arts
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