this summer's venus retrograde sparked a few revelations...and thanks to a rare astrological event destined to hit pisceans especially hard, my saturn return has lasted well into my 30s.
about 3 or 3.5 years ago, someone pushed the reset button on my life. i left my spiritual family, my relationship finally, fully died...much of what i'd been working towards for the better part of a decade slipped away.
i don't regret any of it; it all had to happen. but it was still a lot to deal with. i spent the first year sleepwalking, getting by as best i could between the pain and the anger.
in the last 18 months or so, things finally started to bear fruit. i achieved my dream of becoming a Reiki master, and my spiritual life blossomed in wonderfully unexpected ways. i am grateful for my new spiritual family, and honored that i'm still welcomed by the one i left.
perhaps most improbable: i can speak to my ex again. that one snuck up on me.
so i should be ecstatic, right?
well, part of me is.
there's more, though.
i need to create space to breathe, live, love, laugh. i need to feel, deeply. revel in corporeal joy...eating well, spending time in nature...
and, often, i need it to happen in a way that is not driven only by me.
i know i needed to learn how to do it "alone", but i never thought it would go on this long. gradually, people i knew got busier, kids were born, marriages and relationships happened and un-happened...and i've just been plugging away at...me.
if i needed to talk something out, it was difficult to express "single people problems" in a way that didn't seem selfish, navel-gazing, or unimportant compared with the concerns of folk who are married and/or partnered, particularly with children.
soon i realized the comparison was the problem. why give myself problems i don't have? of course my challenges are different--i'm simply in a different situation.
i suppose some would see a kind of paradox in declaring i desire a partnership without making the pursuit of one my alpha and omega. frankly, i'd rather devote my energy to creating the life i long for.
you know that whole thing about shooting for the moon, so that even if you miss, you're still among the stars? well, if i take the best care of myself now, my love will be a welcome complement and support to a content, whole, confident and blissed-out woman.
and if "the one" doesn't show, that's still a damn good space to be in.
Showing posts sorted by date for query singlehood. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query singlehood. Sort by relevance Show all posts
8.19.2012
the singlehood chronicles #10: 2 years later
i fit "the demographic": never married, over-30 Black woman.
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
10.15.2011
singlehood chronicles # 9
in the midst of a conversation yesterday, i realized that i've never had the relationship i truly desire.
yes, there have been close calls and other glimpses, but not a full-blown expression of it. something's always managed to get in the way: distance, school, fatherhood, workaholism {his, not mine}. an emergency always popped up. a trip always had to be taken. money always had to be made.
life is gonna get in the way, no doubt. but it seemed unnaturally problematic. then there were the things i saw and sensed, but didn't name until much later: trauma was a big one, mental illness or distress was another.
eventually i realized i had to state a definitive boundary about what work i was not willing to do in my heart and in my bed; that i wanted my purpose to be lived in my larger life, not my intimate one.
as i approach my mid-30s, my sincerest desire is for a relationship where we sincerely make time to grow with and love one another despite the ebb and flow of life.
i need a man who knows how to navigate his existence so the distractions aren't allowed to dictate our pace.
i want time spent being: chillin in our/each other's space after work a couple days a week, lazy weekends in bed or on long drives...
this probably means no more daddies. y'all know i love the babies. and, yes, i know i'm at the age where it can be difficult {note: NOT impossible} to meet someone who hasn't had a partnership or marriage that's resulted in at least one child.
however, i've observed that parenting a school-aged little one is very time and energy consuming, and it puts a lot of weight on a new relationship. this is especially true since (a) i don't have children myself and (b) i am not willing to include said child(ren) in our dealings until/unless the relationship becomes a serious one.
i've also noticed that in those situations, time with me becomes a refuge--now, that's something i naturally and enjoyably create for lovers. but i want that reciprocated. and that's difficult for a man who is perpetually exhausted by his life outside of "us".
for better or worse, that's where i am right now.
the good news? i feel like i'm on the verge of realizing this dream. there are different and no less serious challenges...but nothing insurmountable.
guess we'll just have to wait and see, huh?
yes, there have been close calls and other glimpses, but not a full-blown expression of it. something's always managed to get in the way: distance, school, fatherhood, workaholism {his, not mine}. an emergency always popped up. a trip always had to be taken. money always had to be made.
life is gonna get in the way, no doubt. but it seemed unnaturally problematic. then there were the things i saw and sensed, but didn't name until much later: trauma was a big one, mental illness or distress was another.
eventually i realized i had to state a definitive boundary about what work i was not willing to do in my heart and in my bed; that i wanted my purpose to be lived in my larger life, not my intimate one.
as i approach my mid-30s, my sincerest desire is for a relationship where we sincerely make time to grow with and love one another despite the ebb and flow of life.
i need a man who knows how to navigate his existence so the distractions aren't allowed to dictate our pace.
i want time spent being: chillin in our/each other's space after work a couple days a week, lazy weekends in bed or on long drives...
this probably means no more daddies. y'all know i love the babies. and, yes, i know i'm at the age where it can be difficult {note: NOT impossible} to meet someone who hasn't had a partnership or marriage that's resulted in at least one child.
however, i've observed that parenting a school-aged little one is very time and energy consuming, and it puts a lot of weight on a new relationship. this is especially true since (a) i don't have children myself and (b) i am not willing to include said child(ren) in our dealings until/unless the relationship becomes a serious one.
i've also noticed that in those situations, time with me becomes a refuge--now, that's something i naturally and enjoyably create for lovers. but i want that reciprocated. and that's difficult for a man who is perpetually exhausted by his life outside of "us".
for better or worse, that's where i am right now.
the good news? i feel like i'm on the verge of realizing this dream. there are different and no less serious challenges...but nothing insurmountable.
guess we'll just have to wait and see, huh?
11.22.2010
singlehood chronicles #8
i am still stuck on this:
i know it's not enough for me.
sometimes, the "close, but no cigar" moments leave me just as despondent, heartbroken, and sore as a ended relationship would. still, like crunktastic, i find myself asking, "what would i have otherwise?"
sometimes i feel brave, loving how i can, where i can. but when i get frustrated, the part of me that needs one true, real love feels like i'm selling out.
i'm still trying to reconcile those selves...balance the needs with the wants, the reality with my dreams.
the only thing i'm sure of is that it has to be a sin that we cannot love better than this. that freedom, intelligence, and depth seem to make you a lonelier woman, rather than a cherished, genuinely sought after one.
thus sayeth my moment of vulnerability.
*re-armors and picks up sword*
i'm still a soldier.
Over the weekend, I got to hang out with some CFs in Atlanta, all single, or kind of single, and primarily straight. Each of us found ourselves in varied states of relational ambivalence: loving or liking someone who doesn’t quite love (or like) you back, at least not in the way you deserve; fearful of trying to date again after years of disappointment and failed expectations; and recovering from heart break or at least deeply hurt feelings. Yet, we are all also unapologetically pragmatic about getting our needs met even when conditions prove non-ideal. As a pragmatist, I had to ask, “is it feminist to remain in a situation where you aren’t getting what you need or want, but you are at least getting something?” What I heard was a collective groan, as we all thought it through. And then after that, a painful, collective, and resolved sigh.
No, probably not. But it is what it is...
And IT is the condition in which we find ourselves. Perpetually alone. Needing love, needing companionship, needing sex. But willing to settle for less than, if only for a moment, even as the sermons, feminist and otherwise, play in the background. Is love enough? In the lonely moments of an otherwise full life, love definitely seems like the solution, like the stitching that turns a beautiful piece of fabric into the form-fitting number that accentuates the best parts of yourself. For all of us who don’t have the love that we so desperately want, it most definitely feels like enough.
But is it really?
i know it's not enough for me.
sometimes, the "close, but no cigar" moments leave me just as despondent, heartbroken, and sore as a ended relationship would. still, like crunktastic, i find myself asking, "what would i have otherwise?"
sometimes i feel brave, loving how i can, where i can. but when i get frustrated, the part of me that needs one true, real love feels like i'm selling out.
i'm still trying to reconcile those selves...balance the needs with the wants, the reality with my dreams.
the only thing i'm sure of is that it has to be a sin that we cannot love better than this. that freedom, intelligence, and depth seem to make you a lonelier woman, rather than a cherished, genuinely sought after one.
thus sayeth my moment of vulnerability.
*re-armors and picks up sword*
i'm still a soldier.
11.17.2010
singlehood chronicles #7
a few nights ago, i realized there was some (digital) evidence from my last relationship lying around. as i destroyed it, i became keenly aware that that was the last time i was loved.
it's not that i want to go back. or pick up the phone. hell, i don't even get sentimental for the good days. in fact, i don't remember very many details except what comes in brief, random flashes.
but...i do remember that i was loved. and i loved back. i was connected to someone. connection is natural to me. easy.
my entire life, i never doubted that i would have a partner, someone to walk through life with. it wasn't that i was overly concerned with having a husband...it was more than that--a birthright, a way of being. later, when i learned how shamans and other spiritual people worked in spousal teams, i saw a new dimension in the relationships that offered that level of connection, and i longed for a partner i could work with spiritually.
fairly recently i read something about people with libra ascendants having an "urge to merge" that they need to translate into serving others.
i think that's bullshit.*
the older i get, i become less sure that i'll have much energy to do anything without a serious love beside me.
loving fuels me. it is my air; it is my food. the security and safety inherent in a good relationship, in the best love, does wonders for me. it enhances the way i move through the world.
i only need one.
and i have no idea where he is.
*serving others is NOT bullshit. at all. but to arbitrarily suggest my "soul work" is to throw myself into serving and ignore my need for intimacy and relationship is...questionable at best. and then there's this...
it's not that i want to go back. or pick up the phone. hell, i don't even get sentimental for the good days. in fact, i don't remember very many details except what comes in brief, random flashes.
but...i do remember that i was loved. and i loved back. i was connected to someone. connection is natural to me. easy.
my entire life, i never doubted that i would have a partner, someone to walk through life with. it wasn't that i was overly concerned with having a husband...it was more than that--a birthright, a way of being. later, when i learned how shamans and other spiritual people worked in spousal teams, i saw a new dimension in the relationships that offered that level of connection, and i longed for a partner i could work with spiritually.
fairly recently i read something about people with libra ascendants having an "urge to merge" that they need to translate into serving others.
i think that's bullshit.*
the older i get, i become less sure that i'll have much energy to do anything without a serious love beside me.
loving fuels me. it is my air; it is my food. the security and safety inherent in a good relationship, in the best love, does wonders for me. it enhances the way i move through the world.
i only need one.
and i have no idea where he is.
*serving others is NOT bullshit. at all. but to arbitrarily suggest my "soul work" is to throw myself into serving and ignore my need for intimacy and relationship is...questionable at best. and then there's this...
8.27.2010
the year of living single
today it dawned on me that i've broken my singlehood record; i've been unattached for an entire year. before now, the longest stretch has been nine months.
ultimately i'm grateful for this time. i've learned a lot.
i am stronger and resourceful than i imagined myself to be.
i am self contained--not in the sense of being a recluse or pure selfishness. i mean that i am full in myself, in my being. i am ok with me. i am whole. i knew i loved myself, but now i understand that love far beyond the general concept of possessing healthy self-esteem.
i have deepened my self-love into a full, palpable reality. i know just how far i can wrap my arms around myself--literally and figuratively. there is comfort in that; an untapped well of power i never knew existed.
of course there are moments when i wish things were different. case in point: a huge cricket managed to find its way into my kitchen this morning. i hate insects. i abhor jumping insects. but i had to take care of it, because the cat was only dallying with it, and life had to go on.
physical intimacy is sporadic, at best.
an activity partner you can count on is a nice plus that i miss. a friend maintains that the best thing about being married is that you "always have someone to do stuff with." in some respects, i'm inclined to agree.
i don't always feel like doing my dishes, cooking for myself (or only cooking for one), rubbing my own feet, or taking in the groceries. it'd be nice to have someone to supply me with new outfits, shoes, pedicures, and various other pamperings. i certainly wouldn't be mad if a light bill or two was taken off my hands.
still, i am grateful that i can do these things. i've gained a superpower in turning "chores" into acts of self love and blessing. initially, that was an act of self-preservation in the face of soul-ache and heartbreak, but the attitude change stuck, and it's been a wonderful thing.
i know who my friends are. my family is a rock. i've learned to lean on spirit and my intuition in ways that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
and maybe that's been the point.
i'm still gonna work on conjurin' up that love i desire. but i'm determined to have a ball 'til he gets here.
ultimately i'm grateful for this time. i've learned a lot.
i am stronger and resourceful than i imagined myself to be.
i am self contained--not in the sense of being a recluse or pure selfishness. i mean that i am full in myself, in my being. i am ok with me. i am whole. i knew i loved myself, but now i understand that love far beyond the general concept of possessing healthy self-esteem.
i have deepened my self-love into a full, palpable reality. i know just how far i can wrap my arms around myself--literally and figuratively. there is comfort in that; an untapped well of power i never knew existed.
of course there are moments when i wish things were different. case in point: a huge cricket managed to find its way into my kitchen this morning. i hate insects. i abhor jumping insects. but i had to take care of it, because the cat was only dallying with it, and life had to go on.
physical intimacy is sporadic, at best.
an activity partner you can count on is a nice plus that i miss. a friend maintains that the best thing about being married is that you "always have someone to do stuff with." in some respects, i'm inclined to agree.
i don't always feel like doing my dishes, cooking for myself (or only cooking for one), rubbing my own feet, or taking in the groceries. it'd be nice to have someone to supply me with new outfits, shoes, pedicures, and various other pamperings. i certainly wouldn't be mad if a light bill or two was taken off my hands.
still, i am grateful that i can do these things. i've gained a superpower in turning "chores" into acts of self love and blessing. initially, that was an act of self-preservation in the face of soul-ache and heartbreak, but the attitude change stuck, and it's been a wonderful thing.
i know who my friends are. my family is a rock. i've learned to lean on spirit and my intuition in ways that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
and maybe that's been the point.
i'm still gonna work on conjurin' up that love i desire. but i'm determined to have a ball 'til he gets here.
10.18.2008
9.27.2008
singlehood chronicles #5
this realization is still holding strong and true...
i'm finding that i'm surrounded by love, but in a strange-bedfellow sort of way.
i am not in love. but i do have several of my needs met.
i feel adored, cherished, and loved. still, i can admit that i only have about 1/2 (good day), 1/3 (not so good day), or none (bad day) of what i really want.
as the days get shorter and colder, i know that summer exuberance will give way to my cold-weather cocoon. meeting people will be much lower on my totem pole when staying warm, soup, and new year's conjuring become priorities.
do i want to cast one more love spell before the leaves turn?
should i pack it up until spring?
eh.
i've got a lot on my mind, but i should probably lie down awhile...
i'm finding that i'm surrounded by love, but in a strange-bedfellow sort of way.
i am not in love. but i do have several of my needs met.
i feel adored, cherished, and loved. still, i can admit that i only have about 1/2 (good day), 1/3 (not so good day), or none (bad day) of what i really want.
as the days get shorter and colder, i know that summer exuberance will give way to my cold-weather cocoon. meeting people will be much lower on my totem pole when staying warm, soup, and new year's conjuring become priorities.
do i want to cast one more love spell before the leaves turn?
should i pack it up until spring?
eh.
i've got a lot on my mind, but i should probably lie down awhile...
8.28.2008
singlehood chronicles # 4
so now the evil little thoughts have started to seep in...
"oh god...what happens if he decides he doesn't like me??"
"i can't keep going with this...i might get hurt!"
"he might say 'no'..."
"this feels too nice..."
*record scratch*
hold up.
this is not me.
since my healing began 13 years ago, i have been blessed with the ability to be near fearless in love, lust, and everything in between.
however, spending most of my 20s in an almost incessant cycle of karma breaking and lesson learning gave me a pretty decent case of amnesia.
i'd almost forgotten that risks are good...and important.
besides, my heart could very well be approaching unbreakable status. one gift of my struggle has been a near seamless internalization of reason-season-lifetime.
i am secure in my love of spirit and love of self. that, by extension, makes me secure in all things.
i can love without labels, give without remorse, and spread honey and glitter with abandon. i can share this wonderment with whomever i choose.
and so what if i happen to shed a few tears along the way? being human, it's easy to forget what i (deeply) know.
what's key is that i come back to this place, every time. because i've done the work. because i know.
thus, i was able to soothe myself: "honey, if he doesn't want you, then he's not the one. for every 'no' he could possibly say to you, you'll hear 'yes' in a hundred different ways. and it feels good because it's supposed to."
"oh god...what happens if he decides he doesn't like me??"
"i can't keep going with this...i might get hurt!"
"he might say 'no'..."
"this feels too nice..."
*record scratch*
hold up.
this is not me.
since my healing began 13 years ago, i have been blessed with the ability to be near fearless in love, lust, and everything in between.
however, spending most of my 20s in an almost incessant cycle of karma breaking and lesson learning gave me a pretty decent case of amnesia.
i'd almost forgotten that risks are good...and important.
besides, my heart could very well be approaching unbreakable status. one gift of my struggle has been a near seamless internalization of reason-season-lifetime.
i am secure in my love of spirit and love of self. that, by extension, makes me secure in all things.
i can love without labels, give without remorse, and spread honey and glitter with abandon. i can share this wonderment with whomever i choose.
and so what if i happen to shed a few tears along the way? being human, it's easy to forget what i (deeply) know.
what's key is that i come back to this place, every time. because i've done the work. because i know.
thus, i was able to soothe myself: "honey, if he doesn't want you, then he's not the one. for every 'no' he could possibly say to you, you'll hear 'yes' in a hundred different ways. and it feels good because it's supposed to."
7.15.2008
singlehood chronicles #3
i'm coming to realize that the hurt hasn't gone away.
i forgive him, per se. person-to-person i hold no grudge.
but i'm still stuck with the emotional fallout.
how am i supposed to trust anyone with myself/my dreams again?
how will my relationships be defined from here and beyond, now that kids/marriage/picket fenced houses are not the obvious "goal" (at least not for me)?
what do i need to do to reconstruct my life/ideas around being--for the foreseeable future--a completely single woman? do i pour myself into work/creativity/the grind? do i have to keep a special space open, or will space be made at the appropriate time?
i don't want to miss out on a good thing, but i don't know how to stand the wait, either.
it's similar to how i felt when cosmo disappeared on me all those years ago: helpless, frustrated, alone, frightened, and angry.
even so, it's not like i'm gonna run out and find me a man, 'cause that wouldn't help, either.
i just need to get my bearings. since i am not used to being knocked off my square, it can take some time to recover from the shock when i am.
but i will find my way. i always do.
addendum (7.17.2008)--a melancholy has settled over the entire enterprise. i think i'm going to focus on finding ways to please and pleasure myself...dealing with outside interests seems too tiring.
it's amazing how quickly the jubliation i felt in late spring around being courted has given way to this. oh well. such is life.
i forgive him, per se. person-to-person i hold no grudge.
but i'm still stuck with the emotional fallout.
how am i supposed to trust anyone with myself/my dreams again?
how will my relationships be defined from here and beyond, now that kids/marriage/picket fenced houses are not the obvious "goal" (at least not for me)?
what do i need to do to reconstruct my life/ideas around being--for the foreseeable future--a completely single woman? do i pour myself into work/creativity/the grind? do i have to keep a special space open, or will space be made at the appropriate time?
i don't want to miss out on a good thing, but i don't know how to stand the wait, either.
it's similar to how i felt when cosmo disappeared on me all those years ago: helpless, frustrated, alone, frightened, and angry.
even so, it's not like i'm gonna run out and find me a man, 'cause that wouldn't help, either.
i just need to get my bearings. since i am not used to being knocked off my square, it can take some time to recover from the shock when i am.
but i will find my way. i always do.
addendum (7.17.2008)--a melancholy has settled over the entire enterprise. i think i'm going to focus on finding ways to please and pleasure myself...dealing with outside interests seems too tiring.
it's amazing how quickly the jubliation i felt in late spring around being courted has given way to this. oh well. such is life.
6.21.2008
singlehood chronicles #2
well, one down, one more to go. my friends have begun to regale me, once again, with the title of "pimp". LOL.
i'm sure there are more to meet...the summer's young, and there are still plenty of festivals & outdoor activities, etc.
(ex)honey and i have settled into a comfortable friendship that i enjoy. i'm glad that we've come around to being able to care for and about one another--even share dating tips--without the stress and strain that had started to hang over our relationship.
cosmo's cool, i guess...
...and there's supposed to be someone on the way. my true mate/husband. i still feel too gun shy for anything that deep, but these things typically happen when they're meant, not necessarily when you're "ready".
stay tuned...
i'm sure there are more to meet...the summer's young, and there are still plenty of festivals & outdoor activities, etc.
(ex)honey and i have settled into a comfortable friendship that i enjoy. i'm glad that we've come around to being able to care for and about one another--even share dating tips--without the stress and strain that had started to hang over our relationship.
cosmo's cool, i guess...
...and there's supposed to be someone on the way. my true mate/husband. i still feel too gun shy for anything that deep, but these things typically happen when they're meant, not necessarily when you're "ready".
stay tuned...
5.27.2008
singlehood chronicles #1
i noticed that i've avoided writing too much about myself lately--even slacking on my journaling. instead, i've been doing a lot of internal processing, trying to figure out the best way to articulate what i've been feeling...
things are good. i've been having fun, meeting interesting people. i'm also learning just how much the last few years have changed me.
i am much less wlling to give up space, time, and, most of all, myself.
i realize that i'm still able to share myself physically while not allowing many inroads to my mental state. i've heard that's one of the many pisces paradoxes that make us equally irresistible and infuriating.
it's also interesting how long i existed without the level of physical attention and affection i prefer. this has caused me to develop an almost ruthless analysis around kiss, touch, etc. exposure to an openly affectionate man--other than a family member or friend--has been both enlightening and an adjustment.
sometimes i find myself forgetting that, at my core, i am very physically affectionate. i've simply suppressed many of those tendencies since (a) my ex wasn't around much to benefit from them and (b) it takes time to figure out how other people will interpret it, so i remain reserved until i'm assured some measure of safety.
my boundaries are firm:
i am determined not to just give myself away because "he seems nice" or "we get along, so why not?" the "i do not have to diffuse my love..." mantra really worked on me.
exclusivity will be my choice in my own time and not determined by my empathy. thankfully it's become easier to not allow others' emotions to blend into my own.
falling in like/lust is fine, but loving has become something much deeper and wider for me than "falling" into it. i can't fully explain it, but when it comes around again, it will be a completely different ride.
so, that's where i am. i'll sit back and see where it takes me.
things are good. i've been having fun, meeting interesting people. i'm also learning just how much the last few years have changed me.
i am much less wlling to give up space, time, and, most of all, myself.
i realize that i'm still able to share myself physically while not allowing many inroads to my mental state. i've heard that's one of the many pisces paradoxes that make us equally irresistible and infuriating.
it's also interesting how long i existed without the level of physical attention and affection i prefer. this has caused me to develop an almost ruthless analysis around kiss, touch, etc. exposure to an openly affectionate man--other than a family member or friend--has been both enlightening and an adjustment.
sometimes i find myself forgetting that, at my core, i am very physically affectionate. i've simply suppressed many of those tendencies since (a) my ex wasn't around much to benefit from them and (b) it takes time to figure out how other people will interpret it, so i remain reserved until i'm assured some measure of safety.
my boundaries are firm:
i am determined not to just give myself away because "he seems nice" or "we get along, so why not?" the "i do not have to diffuse my love..." mantra really worked on me.
exclusivity will be my choice in my own time and not determined by my empathy. thankfully it's become easier to not allow others' emotions to blend into my own.
falling in like/lust is fine, but loving has become something much deeper and wider for me than "falling" into it. i can't fully explain it, but when it comes around again, it will be a completely different ride.
so, that's where i am. i'll sit back and see where it takes me.
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