singlehood chronicles #1

i noticed that i've avoided writing too much about myself lately--even slacking on my journaling. instead, i've been doing a lot of internal processing, trying to figure out the best way to articulate what i've been feeling...

things are good. i've been having fun, meeting interesting people. i'm also learning just how much the last few years have changed me.

i am much less wlling to give up space, time, and, most of all, myself.

i realize that i'm still able to share myself physically while not allowing many inroads to my mental state. i've heard that's one of the many pisces paradoxes that make us equally irresistible and infuriating.

it's also interesting how long i existed without the level of physical attention and affection i prefer. this has caused me to develop an almost ruthless analysis around kiss, touch, etc. exposure to an openly affectionate man--other than a family member or friend--has been both enlightening and an adjustment.

sometimes i find myself forgetting that, at my core, i am very physically affectionate. i've simply suppressed many of those tendencies since (a) my ex wasn't around much to benefit from them and (b) it takes time to figure out how other people will interpret it, so i remain reserved until i'm assured some measure of safety.

my boundaries are firm:

i am determined not to just give myself away because "he seems nice" or "we get along, so why not?" the "i do not have to diffuse my love..." mantra really worked on me.

exclusivity will be my choice in my own time and not determined by my empathy. thankfully it's become easier to not allow others' emotions to blend into my own.

falling in like/lust is fine, but loving has become something much deeper and wider for me than "falling" into it. i can't fully explain it, but when it comes around again, it will be a completely different ride.

so, that's where i am. i'll sit back and see where it takes me.

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