a few nights ago, i realized there was some (digital) evidence from my last relationship lying around. as i destroyed it, i became keenly aware that that was the last time i was loved.
it's not that i want to go back. or pick up the phone. hell, i don't even get sentimental for the good days. in fact, i don't remember very many details except what comes in brief, random flashes.
but...i do remember that i was loved. and i loved back. i was connected to someone. connection is natural to me. easy.
my entire life, i never doubted that i would have a partner, someone to walk through life with. it wasn't that i was overly concerned with having a husband...it was more than that--a birthright, a way of being. later, when i learned how shamans and other spiritual people worked in spousal teams, i saw a new dimension in the relationships that offered that level of connection, and i longed for a partner i could work with spiritually.
fairly recently i read something about people with libra ascendants having an "urge to merge" that they need to translate into serving others.
i think that's bullshit.*
the older i get, i become less sure that i'll have much energy to do anything without a serious love beside me.
loving fuels me. it is my air; it is my food. the security and safety inherent in a good relationship, in the best love, does wonders for me. it enhances the way i move through the world.
i only need one.
and i have no idea where he is.
*serving others is NOT bullshit. at all. but to arbitrarily suggest my "soul work" is to throw myself into serving and ignore my need for intimacy and relationship is...questionable at best. and then there's this...