5.11.2007

talaam acey responds to saul williams

talaam acey's response to saul's letter
i think this is a great dialogue any way you slice it...


Notes on "An Open Letter to Oprah Winfrey" by Taalam Acey

I want to approach this critique cautiously if only because these ideas are among my most sincere. I applaud you for writing your "Open Letter to Oprah Winfrey," and though it took me awhile to get around to reading it, I'm glad I did. When James Baldwin remarked that, "The poet or the revolutionary is there to articulate the necessity," I'm sure that your open letter was the sort of agitation he had in mind.

I was not born of a minister and school teacher. Instead my parents were Black Nationalists in Imamu Amiri Baraka's Committee for a Unified Newark. Unlike you, I was influenced by both Rakim and June Jordan. I affirm these things because they will no doubt color the critique that follows.

As for the illustrious Ms. Winfrey, I too grew up watching her on television. As a teen, my mother had me read Alice Walker's "The Color Purple." In the film, Ms. Winfrey's portrayal of Sofia was exactly how I envisioned it. It was not surprising that she garnered one of that film's 11 Oscar nominations (though, the film somehow didn't win a single Oscar).

Of more relevance here, however, is that Ms. Winfrey, ironically, played a major role in my appreciation for gangsta rap. In 1989, Harpo, her company, produced (and she starred in) Gloria Naylor's "The Women of Brewster Place." Back then I was sure that white America despised young black men. However, in my 18th year, her mini-series convinced me that black women might hate us even more. I felt demonized. Though, I didn't care much for "hard core rappers" beforehand, after Brewster Place, my feelings of betrayal rendered their messages vital.

A few months later, when Ms. Winfrey donated $1 million dollars to your alma matter. I remember thinking it had to be a function of her guilt.

Since then, she has given repeatedly and contributed to the education of hundreds of Morehouse students. I no longer doubt her sincerity. Still, I have come to believe there is a dichotomy in her perception of young black males. She has gone on record about being sexually abused by relatives (including a 19 year old cousin) beginning when she was 9 years old. However, she also credits moving in with her father as saving her life. In fact while Vernon Winfrey was named by her mother as only one of a few potential fathers, he nevertheless took responsibility for Oprah and refused paternity test throughout her life.

I mention none of this to be disrespectful to Ms. Winfrey. She is a self-made billionaire, Television Hall of Fame inductee and media mogul. Yet, she is also human and, like the rest of us, her past experiences may shed light on her current convictions.

Thus, having discussed the above, I'd like to assert that many of today's rap lyrics conform more to the values of her 19 year old cousin than they do those of her father.

I love Hip-Hop. It is and has always been sacred to me. There was something spiritual about Rakim's flow and something evangelical about KRS-One's diatribes. In high school, I spent time with Queen Latifah and was pretty close with Cut Master DC (of "Brooklyn's in the House" fame). I attended shows at Union Square, The Tunnel and even The Castle in the South Bronx. I almost don't know where to stop...during my teens, I got to drive Red Alert from a show in Jersey back to NY and talked him to death. I remember dancin' to Crash Crew records, arguing over who was the best emcee in the Fearless Four, losing my mind when the Sugar Hill Gang and The Furious Five did a record together. There are entire Slick Rick, Rakim and Biggie songs that I still know word for word. Believe me, I too am a hip hop head.

Hip Hop in it's organic form is Melle Mel's, "The Message." Nevertheless, there's always been room for Ice Cube and Snoop. They had a story to tell. Our problem now has become that the stories are being told ad nauseam and by people who not only haven't lived them, but aren't inspired to tell them.

I'm into Spoken Word, one of many forms of poetry. There can be no doubt that rap is another. True, all rappers are not poets. But, even by the definition you applied, all Spoken Word artists aren't poets either. Few artist of any art form operate from a sincerely vulnerable place. That is not a Hip-Hop phenomenon.

The problem is bigger than vulnerability. When you declared "There is no true hatred of women in Hip Hop." I can only assume that you meant in the Hip-Hop that you and other "Backpackers" support. Those of you who choose "to associate...with the more "conscious" or politically astute artists of the Hip Hop community." Surely you don't believe that today's rappers intend their endless litany of "Bitch," "Ho," and "Slut" as displays of affection.

I agree with you that, at our root, we inherently worship the feminine. Sadly it seems that for most of us now, at all points above our root, we've begin to worship money more. The problem with most of Hip-Hop is that it's being co-opted. I cannot imagine what, if any point, you were attempting by mentioning that 50 Cent and George Bush share a birthday. I agree that George Bush is one of the gangsters that control this country, but I am certain that 50 Cent is not one of the "gangsters" that controls Hip-Hop. He may control his entourage and his bank account, but not much more. Curtis Jackson is an "artist," not a mogul. So can you tell me if Lyor Cohen or Jimmy Iovine share a birthday with Bush? That might be slightly relevant.

You are right that "Censorship will never solve our problems." Boycotting the sponsors of a radio show that made disparaging remarks about young black girls isn't censorship though. In America, dollars vote. It is not censorship to use your dollars to vote a bigot off the air. The dramatic decline in the sale of rap records since 2005 is also not due to censorship. People are voting for change. We no longer care to support songs about how your car and house are better than mine because you're really good at selling crack to my children.

This is a serious social issue and has nothing to do with the depiction of G*d in Christianity or any other religion. I've heard the argument about the proper Holy Trinity being man, woman and child, previously. I've attended lectures about instances of chauvinism in organized religion. Still I take issue with the logic that the Western depiction of G*d has driven emcees crazy.

You concluded by saying:

"If we are to sincerely address the change we are praying for then we must first address to whom we are praying."

That's the point, emcees have begun praying to mammon. Most mainstream rappers no longer take pride in their lyricism. They simply write whatever the record company believes it can easily sell. The problem is selfishness, not religion. Believe me, we haven't reached this point in our history because too many rappers have become obsessed with studying the Bible.

This particular weapon of mass destruction is NOT the one that asserts that a holy trinity would be "a father, a male child, and a ghost." This weapon of mass destruction IS wealthy racist white men who exploit and mass market poor young black men who are willing to denigrate themselves for money. We do not require disconnected excuses, only change.

The primary problem with rappers today is selfishness. That's the very quality that separated Oprah's father from her 19 year old cousin. I'll end by saying there's nothing more vulnerable than a broke talentless rapper in the hands of a racist white media mogul. In the end, I hope you understand that these notes are not about you and I but, instead, the masses of oppressed people who deserve to know the truth.

In Brotherhood,

Taalam Acey

5.09.2007

may i be frank for a moment?

once, a man i was incidentally dating asked me to shave my flower petals.

not because it was causing any particular problem, mind you. he just decided to make his preference known. shortly after the first time he even saw me naked, even.

he didn't seem to object to anything else.

had the nerve to threaten the withholding of head.
too bad i wasn't pressed.

head's always best when i give a shit about the mind between my thighs, and he didn't quite qualify.

i didn't even care enough to explain that i'd earned every one of those hairs.

i remember changing in the girls' locker room at camp some 20odd years ago and having the girls look at me like i was nuts 'cause i had hair there.

like most women who've had a similar experience--i also had to contend with being "too tall", having too deep a voice, etc.--for years i considered myself some kind of freak.

then, one day, the opposite sex began to consider most of my previously offending traits "sexy".

the hair now proved i was grown. it was even deemed pretty, thanks to my complexion/coloring. it inspired love names, interested stares, and lingering lovemaking sessions.

so, while i totally and completely support necessary waxes, appropriate trimmings, and all the usual generalized grooming and hygiene habits, i'll politely tell you to go fk yourself for attempting to de-fuzz my blossom over some bullshit notion of what it's "supposed" to look like.

it ain't like i'm fittin into a bikini any time soon...

~~~~~~
addendum: and look what i find on postsecret just after posting this.

whoever you are, free yourself sistren.

5.07.2007

blissful

well...

i got to leave work early friday

got back in the kitchen sunday

spent some time with honey

treated myself to a few things

saw the godkid play baseball

...not a bad weekend.

5.03.2007

secular bibles

i started reading the temple of my familiar again last night. i consider it one of my sacred texts.

the ritual goes like this: i'll get an urge to pick it back up, and if i can get through the first fifty pages barely blinking, i know it's time for another reading.

considering the publication date, i was probably around 11 or 12 the first time i read it (the copy i have now was my mother's). i distinctly remember feeling like i knew those people, those lives.

later i came to realize that i am a version of miss lissie, only i wasn't fortunate enough to remember everything this time around. even so, i've surrounded myself with many women (and some men) who are cut from the same cloth. as they remember, so do i. we help each other.

as much as a book can, this one validates me, my essence. things i've known about myself and the way my heart and spirit work since i can remember consciously thinking about such things.

i've said it often: this book made me make sense.

needing to reread it is a sign that i'm keenly aware of my own evolution. it means i need to check in and see what spirits and worlds i'm identifying with in this moment, which ones i can leave behind, and which ones are coming.

other secular holy works:

sassafrass, cypress, & indigo (i intend on studying this one again, too) and for colored girls...

dick gregory's nigger

sapphire...american dreams and push

like the singing coming off the drums (haven't picked that up for awhile...)

saul williams' she

zami, a new spelling of my name

their eyes were watching god

5.02.2007

mandela's children

baltimore sun three part series

journeying...

i traveled last night.

i felt like i was in a man's apartment, trying to find a quiet corner to rest in during or after a party. i found myself in his room--a very postmodern affair, something out of an r&b video. tan sheets on the bed, leather couches and chaise lounges, chrome accents. i tried to read a card he'd left on his bed for a lover, but couldn't make sense of it.

in another house in a very different kind of setting, i sampled heroin. the next day i had on a backpack, trying to get somewhere (was i a college student?) but found myself contemplating another high instead. (un)fortunately, the dealers were gone and the house had changed. seemed i was somewhere very european. cobblestones everywhere. something in me fought the urge to seek out another hit, knowing i didn't want to travel that road.

there were flashes of past lives.
forgotten and remembered loves, sensations, emotions.

it was a strange night.

5.01.2007

queen?

ok, we've all heard it: before they put us on the ships during the maafa, we were all kings and queens, living gloriously in the beauty of africa, etc.

the beauty of the continent i don't doubt.
and the trauma of the journey is undeniable.

however, to paraphrase my girl aulelei, somebody had to be hauling the holy water to the kemetian temples and drinking the cheap beer.

seeing how ifa is growing and moving in the lives of the descendants of those who arrived on these shores, i do believe that many of us are descendants of powerful spiritual lineages. we see constant evidence in the way our spirituality (i'm distinguishing that from religion), art, dance, music, and culture has survived. sometimes hidden, sometimes in plain view.

that's not to say some of us aren't linked to royal families. in fact, i've come across a couple of stories of blk folks discovering just that, particularly since dna testing has made it easier for folks to discover exactly where they come from.

as for me, i don't know if i was anybody's queen or princess.

but i'm pretty damned sure about my spiritual warrior heritage.

and i can live with that.

4.29.2007

omo sango....kawo!


Oriki Shango

Kawo Kaiyesile,
(Hail to the Chief.)

Etala mo juba gadagba mo juba.
(I greet you thirteen times.)

Shango pele o.
(Spirit of Lightning I am greeting you.)

Shango pele o.
(Spirit of Lightning I am greeting you.)

Shango pele o.
(Spirit of Lightning I am greeting you.)

Baba aladufe.
(Father who is loved by everyone.)

Shango pele o.
(Spirit of Lightning I am greeting you.)

Shango pele o.
(Spirit of Lightning I am greeting you.)

Shango pele o.
(Spirit of Lightning I am greeting you.)

Ni igba meta.
(I call you three times.)

Shango nuaa jeke awon o'iku.
(Spirit of Lightning protect us from disease and death.)

Ma ja kiki wa Òrun.
(Praise the power of Heaven.)

A dupe.
(I give you thanks.)

Ase.
(May it be so. )

4.27.2007

serpentine

i would run from goliath.

large, looming things intimidate me. even if it's a goal i'm dead set on attaining.

i've learned that i work best when i can surround the problem, see it from all angles.

then i start dissecting it.

i take out the easiest parts first. feet. knees. make it a non-moving target. then i determine how long i can let it live before those feet and knees grow back. that's how i get my time frame.

then i start to disable it. use my snake venom. remove its senses, muddle its brain...the body becomes simply a formality to be swallowed, whole.

visualizing a huge wall a few miles ahead is not motivational. i don't have a battering ram mentality, nor am i fond of explosives. i don't have an "against all odds" sort of spirit.

sometimes, after a few strikes, i find i have to let the problem run away. even so, i keep it in my sights. run occasional reconnaissance missions. however, i don't relentlessly persue. i occupy myself with smaller prey.

bit by bit we eat the head of the rat...

but because i also have the gift of seeing quite far ahead of myself, i can get frustrated with this approach. there are times when it puts me in mind of stagnation. i start wondering why things don't move faster, why i can't have it NOW...etc.

but in times when i'm faced with the possibility of being overwhelmed, i have to think about things differently.

bit by bit...

4.26.2007

gimmegimmegimmegimmegimme

ok. so normally i follow a bitch session with some gratitude. but while i am always grateful, i also realize that i am in need.

some "needs" are really wants, but that's ok.
i need some bliss. stat.

so. here we are.

the new job needs to have
my own office...that i can shut the door to. even if it's small.
more than enough liquid assets.
benefits (medical, dental, vacation/sick time...)
decent coworkers i can at least tolerate and at best enjoy as people
a balance of male & female coworkers.
a diverse group of coworkers/tolerance.
downtime when i need it, but generally a steady work pace.
opportunities for promotion.
no phd's.
some mechanism whereby i don't feel like i'm babysitting. or anybody's mama.


my new apartment/house needs to have
an area for a shrine room (large den, 2nd bedroom, basement...)
a large living room/common area
rent within $100 of what i'm paying now--incl heat, gas & hot water
plenty of windows/light like my current one
plenty of room for 'dare to run around in
windowsills for 'dare to sit on
ample storage/closet space
a tub i can soak in
heat efficient windows
if no a/c, good ceiling fans
a bedroom big enough to put a chaise/loveseat in
a decent laundry room. or washer/dryer in unit


general wants/needs
new clothes
new shoes
new bras/undies
ideas for rearranging the house
white clothes, especially skirts
a larger cat scratchy loungy thing
more music...& to be able to spend $50-75 on cds whenever i damn well please
a blissful vacation featuring an ocean
more time w/ honey. lots more.
pay off my credit cards
a decent savings account (coming soon!)
new computer (coming soon!)

"hurray, hormones!" pt. 2

i'm feeling weepy today.

admin day blows. i try to be grateful, but...eh. i'll say thank you 'cause that's what mommy taught me to do...but as ms. mcafee said,

Some bosses feel compelled to take their secretary, assistant, or whoever out to lunch on Secretaries Day. It's a nice gesture, but who wants to sit through that awkward meal? Anyone who has seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode in which Larry David takes his maid on a squirm-worthy lunch date at his country club knows the potential disaster of forced boss-employee conviviality. Instead of Secretaries Day, why not just chip in for a big cake on the Friday before Labor Day and toast everyone in the office—wouldn't that be kinder, not to mention easier? I'd much prefer that to a holiday that's a catch-all for "attagirl," "I'm sorry for being an insufferable employer," and "we should talk about that raise."

here, here.

speaking of raises, i didn't get the money i wanted. i did get a decent boost (we'll see how cruel uncle sam is shortly, i'm sure), but it's still barely what my starting salary would be elsewhere for the same work. so...i will be moving on.

i'm not mad, per se. my prayers were answered. it's a little frustrating, because even though i'm not fond of the job, i do like the people. and i know they appreciate me in their...way. but i need more money. period.

i really, really, really want to move, but i don't know how that's gonna work out. if i can get a moment to breathe, maybe i'll try looking online again today.

every time i think about the fact that i have not bought myself a new outfit/pair of shoes/even really cute underwear in godknowshowlong i want to scream. just about everything i own is practically worn out, hopelessly faded, or just plain old. it's like, i actually need shit at this point. it's not even about just buying stuff to have it.

food is about the only decadence i'm allowed, but i'm trying not to re-gain the weight i lost in february. and the farmer's market in all its cheapy goodness doesn't open until later next month.

honey's job is still working him half to death, and i miss him terribly. he's as supportive as he can be (he was angrier about the raise than i was...ha), and he says he's doing all this so that we can go somewhere this summer, but...i don't know. sometimes i'd just rather have him around for dinner and a movie instead. even so, getting to a beach this summer would greatly improve my mood. i just hope he's not so worn down he can't enjoy it, too.

maybe i need a few days off to get my head together.

or maybe i just need my period to start so i can just stop worrying over all this shit already.

sigh.

4.19.2007

open ltr to oprah winfrey from saul williams

long, but worth it. any emphasis is mine.

April 18, 2007

Dear Ms. Winfrey,

It is with the greatest respect and adoration of your loving spirit that I write you. As a young child, I would sit beside my mother everyday and watch your program. As a young adult, with children of my own, I spend much less time in front of the television, but I am ever thankful for the positive effect that you continue to have on our nation, history and culture. The example that you have set as someone unafraid to answer their calling, even when the reality of that calling insists that one self-actualize beyond the point of any given example, is humbling, and serves as the cornerstone of the greatest faith. You, love, are a pioneer.

I am a poet.

Growing up in Newburgh, NY, with a father as a minister and a mother as a school teacher, at a time when we fought for our heroes to be nationally recognized, I certainly was exposed to the great names and voices of our past. I took great pride in competing in my churches Black History Quiz Bowl and the countless events my mother organized in hopes of fostering a generation of youth well versed in the greatness as well as the horrors of our history. Yet, even in a household where I had the privilege of personally interacting with some of the most outspoken and courageous luminaries of our times, I must admit that the voices that resonated the most within me and made me want to speak up were those of my peers, and these peers were emcees. Rappers.

Yes, Ms. Winfrey, I am what my generation would call “a Hip Hop head.” Hip Hop has served as one of the greatest aspects of my self-definition. Lucky for me, I grew up in the 80’s when groups like Public Enemy, Rakim, The jungle Brothers, Queen Latifah, and many more realized the power of their voices within the artform and chose to create music aimed at the upliftment of our generation.

As a student at Morehouse College where I studied Philosophy and Drama I was forced to venture across the street to Spelman College for all of my Drama classes, since Morehouse had no theater department of its own. I had few complaints. The performing arts scholarship awarded me by Michael Jackson had promised me a practically free ride to my dream school, which now had opened the doors to another campus that could make even the most focused of young boys dreamy, Spelman. One of my first theater professors, Pearle Cleage, shook me from my adolescent dream state. It was the year that Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic” was released and our introduction to Snoop Dogg as he sang catchy hooks like “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks…” Although, it was a playwriting class, what seemed to take precedence was Ms. Cleages political ideology, which had recently been pressed and bound in her 1st book, Mad at Miles. As, you know, in this book she spoke of how she could not listen to the music of Miles Davis and his muted trumpet without hearing the muted screams of the women that he was outspoken about “man-handling”. It was my first exposure to the idea of an artist being held accountable for their actions outside of their art. It was the first time I had ever heard the word, “misogyny”. And as Ms. Cleage would walk into the classroom fuming over the women she would pass on campus, blasting those Snoop lyrics from their cars and jeeps, we, her students, would be privy to many freestyle rants and raves on the dangers of nodding our heads to a music that could serve as our own demise.

Her words, coupled with the words of the young women I found myself interacting with forever changed how I listened to Hip Hop and quite frankly ruined what would have been a number of good songs for me. I had now been burdened with a level of awareness that made it impossible for me to enjoy what the growing masses were ushering into the mainstream. I was now becoming what many Hip Hop heads would call “a Backpacker”, a person who chooses to associate themselves with the more “conscious” or politically astute artists of the Hip Hop community. What we termed as “conscious” Hip Hop became our preference for dance and booming systems. Groups like X-Clan, A Tribe Called Quest, Brand Nubian, Arrested Development, Gangstarr and others became the prevailing music of our circle. We also enjoyed the more playful Hip Hop of De La Soul, Heiroglyphics, Das FX, Organized Konfusion. Digable Planets, The Fugees, and more. We had more than enough positivity to fixate on. Hip Hop was diverse.

I had not yet begun writing poetry. Most of my friends hardly knew that I had been an emcee in high school. I no longer cared to identify myself as an emcee and my love of oratory seemed misplaced at Morehouse where most orators were actually preachers in training, speaking with the Southern drawl of Dr. King although they were 19 and from the North. I spent my time doing countless plays and school performances. I was in line to become what I thought would be the next Robeson, Sidney, Ossie, Denzel, Snipes… It wasn’t until I was in graduate school for acting at NYU that I was invited to a poetry reading in Manhattan where I heard Asha Bandele, Sapphire, Carl Hancock Rux, Reggie Gaines, Jessica Care Moore, and many others read poems that sometimes felt like monologues that my newly acquired journal started taking the form of a young poets’. Yet, I still noticed that I was a bit different from these poets who listed names like: Audrey Lourde, June Jordan, Sekou Sundiata etc, when asked why they began to write poetry. I knew that I had been inspired to write because of emcees like Rakim, Chuck D, LL, Run DMC… Hip Hop had informed my love of poetry as much or even more than my theater background which had exposed me to Shakespeare, Baraka, Fugard, Genet, Hansberry and countless others. In those days, just a mere decade ago, I started writing to fill the void between what I was hearing and what I wished I was hearing. It was not enough for me to critique the voices I heard blasting through the walls of my Brooklyn brownstone. I needed to create examples of where Hip Hop, particularly its lyricism, could go. I ventured to poetry readings with my friends and neighbors, Dante Smith (now Mos Def), Talib Kwele, Erycka Badu, Jessica Care Moore, Mums the Schemer, Beau Sia, Suheir Hammad…all poets that frequented the open mics and poetry slams that we commonly saw as “the other direction” when Hip hop reached that fork in the road as you discussed on your show this past week. On your show you asked the question, “Are all rappers poets?” Nice. I wanted to take the opportunity to answer this question for you.

The genius, as far as the marketability, of Hip Hop is in its competitiveness. Its roots are as much in the dignified aspects of our oral tradition as it is in the tradition of ”the dozens” or “signifying”. In Hip Hop, every emcee is automatically pitted against every other emcee, sort of like characters with super powers in comic books. No one wants to listen to a rapper unless they claim to be the best or the greatest. This sort of braggadocio leads to all sorts of tirades, showdowns, battles, and sometimes even deaths. In all cases, confidence is the ruling card. Because of the competitive stance that all emcees are prone to take, they, like soldiers begin to believe that they can show no sign of vulnerability. Thus, the most popular emcees of our age are often those that claim to be heartless or show no feelings or signs of emotion. The poet, on the other hand, is the one who realizes that their vulnerability is their power. Like you, unafraid to shed tears on countless shows, the poet finds strength in exposing their humanity, their vulnerability, thus making it possible for us to find connection and strength through their work. Many emcees have been poets. But, no, Ms. Winfrey, not all emcees are poets. Many choose gangsterism and business over the emotional terrain through which true artistry will lead. But they are not to blame. I would now like to address your question of leadership.

You may recall that in immediate response to the attacks of September 11th, our president took the national stage to say to the American public and the world that we would “…show no sign of vulnerability”. Here is the same word that distinguishes poets from rappers, but in its history, more accurately, women from men. To make such a statement is to align oneself with the ideology that instills in us a sense of vulnerability meaning “weakness”. And these meanings all take their place under the heading of what we consciously or subconsciously characterize as traits of the feminine. The weapon of mass destruction is the one that asserts that a holy trinity would be a father, a male child, and a ghost when common sense tells us that the holiest of trinities would be a mother, a father, and a child: Family. The vulnerability that we see as weakness is the saving grace of the drunken driver who because of their drunken/vulnerable state survives the fatal accident that kills the passengers in the approaching vehicle who tighten their grip and show no physical vulnerability in the face of their fear. Vulnerability is also the saving grace of the skate boarder who attempts a trick and remembers to stay loose and not tense during their fall. Likewise, vulnerability has been the saving grace of the African American struggle as we have been whipped, jailed, spat upon, called names, and killed, yet continue to strive forward mostly non-violently towards our highest goals. But today we are at a crossroads, because the institutions that have sold us the crosses we wear around our necks are the most overt in the denigration of women and thus humanity. That is why I write you today, Ms. Winfrey. We cannot address the root of what plagues Hip Hop without addressing the root of what plagues today’s society and the world.

You see, Ms. Winfrey, at it’s worse; Hip Hop is simply a reflection of the society that birthed it. Our love affair with gangsterism and the denigration of women is not rooted in Hip Hop; rather it is rooted in the very core of our personal faith and religions. The gangsters that rule Hip Hop are the same gangsters that rule our nation. 50 Cent and George Bush have the same birthday (July 6th). For a Hip Hop artist to say “I do what I wanna do/Don’t care if I get caught/The DA could play this mothaf@kin tape in court/I’ll kill you/ I ain’t playin’” epitomizes the confidence and braggadocio we expect an admire from a rapper who claims to represent the lowest denominator. When a world leader with the spirit of a cowboy (the true original gangster of the West: raping, stealing land, and pillaging, as we clapped and cheered.) takes the position of doing what he wants to do, regardless of whether the UN or American public would take him to court, then we have witnessed true gangsterism and violent negligence. Yet, there is nothing more negligent than attempting to address a problem one finds on a branch by censoring the leaves.

Name calling, racist generalizations, sexist perceptions, are all rooted in something much deeper than an uncensored music. Like the rest of the world, I watched footage on AOL of you dancing mindlessly to 50 Cent on your fiftieth birthday as he proclaimed, “I got the ex/if you’re into taking drugs/ I’m into having sex/ I ain’t into making love” and you looked like you were having a great time. No judgment. I like that song too. Just as I do, James Brown’s Sex Machine or Grand Master Flashes “White Lines”. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll is how the story goes. Censorship will never solve our problems. It will only foster the sub-cultures of the underground, which inevitably inhabit the mainstream. There is nothing more mainstream than the denigration of women as projected through religious doctrine. Please understand, I am by no means opposing the teachings of Jesus, by example (he wasn’t Christian), but rather the men that have used his teachings to control and manipulate the masses. Hip Hop, like Rock and Roll, like the media, and the government, all reflect an idea of power that labels vulnerability as weakness. I can only imagine the non-emotive hardness that you have had to show in order to secure your empire from the grips of those that once stood in your way: the old guard. You reflect our changing times. As time progresses we sometimes outgrow what may have served us along the way. This time, what we have outgrown, is not hip hop, rather it is the festering remnants of a God depicted as an angry and jealous male, by men who were angry and jealous over the minute role that they played in the everyday story of creation. I am sure that you have covered ideas such as these on your show, but we must make a connection before our disconnect proves fatal.

We are a nation at war. What we fail to see is that we are fighting ourselves. There is no true hatred of women in Hip Hop. At the root of our nature we inherently worship the feminine. Our overall attention to the nurturing guidance of our mothers and grandmothers as well as our ideas of what is sexy and beautiful all support this. But when the idea of the feminine is taken out of the idea of what is divine or sacred then that worship becomes objectification. When our governed morality asserts that a woman is either a virgin or a whore, then our understanding of sexuality becomes warped. Note the dangling platinum crosses over the bare asses being smacked in the videos. The emcees of my generation are the ministers of my father’s generation. They too had a warped perspective of the feminine. Censoring songs, sermons, or the tirades of radio personalities will change nothing except the format of our discussion. If we are to sincerely address the change we are praying for then we must first address to whom we are praying.

Thank you, Ms. Winfrey, for your forum, your heart, and your vision. May you find the strength and support to bring about the changes you wish to see in ways that do more than perpetuate the myth of enmity.

In loving kindness,

Saul Williams

welcome to another edition of "hurray, hormones!"

ugh.

i've probably said this before: i almost prefer mood swings.

being totally and utterly dissatisfied with your life situation and wanting to change it within 24-72 hours isn't realistic. yet, lately, i go thru this just about every month.

normally the dissatisfaction isn't that much of an issue--i can give myself a little pep talk and be fine. but when the hormones get involved, i want to set ablaze any and everything i percieve as an obstacle so i can move on.

i want results. yesterday.

i demand to know why i'm not living in a palace on a mountaintop, soaking my feet in a beautiful, clear stream. and why life has to be so goddamned hard all the time (mind you, i haven't lived a hard life. it just feels hard right now 'cause i can't go out and buy myself 5 pairs of candy-colored shoes or hop on a plane on a whim).

i want to be catered to, pampered. or at least be allowed to sit and meditate at will so i can consult intuitive solutions to the things i find dissatisfying. 'cause after 8 hours in my "cage", i'm usually too tired and irritated to meditate about anything.

i want peace, quiet. i want to be allowed to dream for as long as i want and wake up when i want, not to the sound of a shrieking alarm clock, which leaves me feeling disoriented and groggy.

but...i'm here at work, as usual. trying to make it through the day without snapping--verbally or otherwise. and i always manage.

but the process can be exhausting.

4.17.2007

water

work in progress...started last night

puts out fire
quenches thirst
melts ice

seeks its level
wears away stone
washes away uselessness
mixes with anything and becomes
a solution

i was born under the sign
that has no enemy
osmotic and self-purifying
i can etch my name in mountains

there is a waterfall
between my thighs
warm and undulating
accepting of warm men
gateway for returning souls...

the essence
of my spirit
gives life to the world

(c) 2007 l.a.m.

adupe pupo (thank you very much)

for...

prayer
good food
pens
notebooks
egungun mi
vacation days
smiles
COUPONS!
laughter
ile mi
cats who curl up next to you just when you need it
inspiration
motivation
tofu!
cars
idile mi
trips to target
def poetry on dvd
hugs

4.16.2007

what is it about taxes

that just makes you wanna jump off a bridge
or scream incessantly for hours
or march to the irs offices with torches like they did in the monster movies...

i need to have some kids
buy a house
get more student debt
something...

actually, i need to stop forgetting about them and have a professional look at the stuff so i don't get screwed, 'cause this time of year, i can ALWAYS feel the changes in the tax laws, even if i have no clue under god what they are.

hell, i don't even wanna pay taxes, seeing as most of them seem to get used for some wasteful, corrupt, or otherwise heinous shit.

at least the state gave me $8!!

ah well.
it's done for now.

i'm going to bed. lol.

4.12.2007

sometimes i can't keep up with my mind

stories and poems race through, trying to be caught and heard
but i can only do about three things at one time well
get into four or five and i start slippin on at least one
but the words want all my attention
they abhor multitasking

my creativity is pretty overwhelming
which is probably why i've spent so much time trying to
tame
bend
subdue and/or
harness it

by now i understand that it's like my hair:
does what it wants when it wants
and grows like wildfire
or weeds
different textures and colors
all thrown into one me

and i gotta try to make sense of it.

don imus is an ass, but

there is something to be said for the fact that i can turn on just about any radio station right now and hear someone saying, in some capacity, that "we don't love these hoes..."

and they don't mean caucasian hoes.

so...yeah.

we have to remember that we're not the only ones listening.
and some folks don't know where to draw the line
or when to shut their mouths.


(addendum 4.13.2007: they said it better.)

(addendum 4.13.2007: newt gingrich is also an ass. but we knew that.)

4.11.2007

light years

If you don't know you can be light years
Away from your true destination. No conscious escalation
Until I get with good vibration
I'm never gonna get to use that
use that earthly power
Substitutes
Can never take the place of peace of mind
Losing all sense of direction.

~jamiroquai, "light years"


i'm trying to refrain from saying i hate my job until i have someplace else to go.

still, having to deal with my inner child's temper tantrums upon waking on weekday mornings has become a little tiring.

i feel like i can't understand my dreams because i'm too busy trying to fight off the bullshit and boredom of my days.

my spirit isn't the only thing that's free. sometimes i feel like i was born to be freedom, period. but that's not something that's easy to be when you're trying to be a "grown-up" in this society. saving up precious "vacation" days just to have a little time to breathe...and hell, at least i get vacation...wtf is that about?

you know what? fk it.
i'm grateful for what i have
and where i am.
i'm aware of my progression
at least i'm writing fairly regularly again...

this situation has always been temporary.

i'ma be aight.

still. when that alarm clock goes off...

4.10.2007

emotional detox

these prove far more potent than the physical ones. at least for me.

when you fast, cleanse, etc., you have much more control over the process.

your mind/spirit doesn't have the 24 hour window your digestive system does. it might flush out at random, hitting you with all kinds of craziness.

i woke up from one dream silently screaming

another had me frustrated, hurt, and even a little jealous

yet another made me remember there are things you don't get "over". ever.

the one that had me terrified really shouldn't have. a swarm of red ants crawled up my legs and over my body. at the time, i was (supposedly) filming a movie. had i remembered that, i would have known it was all an elaborate fake and could have learned something from it all. ah, hindsight.

instead, the ants started coming (until they "touched" me i "knew" they weren't real...), and i started screaming. i opened my eyes with every nerve in my body tingling, cottonmouthed, praying i didn't really scream that loudly.

the frustration dream put me within almost-spitting distance of someone i miss terribly, but i couldn't go to him. in the last dream i had of him, i figured it wasn't worth speaking to him, but now--even though he was much farther away physically--i despised not being able to run to the street (i watched him from a window) and make myself known. when i saw him invite a woman to sit down with him, obviously flirting, i became livid--but only for the second it took me to realize how irrational that was.

in the next scene, i saw him, obviously ill, in a wheelchair (on tv, of all places). i was maddened. how could that have happened to him? where was i? couldn't i heal him? i sensed he might have been sick when i saw him from the window and hated myself for not getting to him then.

the third dream had me speaking to a jennifer hudson clone who was also a therapist. she spoke-sang all these questions to try and gauge my feelings about my 20someodd year old molestation and i'm wondering "who the hell is she & what business is it of hers?". all the while, i'm in a house that i'm told belongs to me, but is full of a stranger's things. obviously that one drudged up quite a few emotions.

i've dealt with that situation via all the proper channels, but what ppl don't tell you is the disclaimer: innocence doesn't really get lost, just violated. stolen from. afterwards, it hangs around the victim trying to remember what it was, and all its requisite pain must be given its due respect and expression.

i woke up feeling relatively rested, considering.

all i can do is be grateful i see this for what it is and pray that it has cleared the way for much more positive, illuminating dreams for the rest of the week.

i say all this to say: don't run from your nightmares. look them dead in the face and figure out what they're trying to say.

4.09.2007

maferefun egungun mi

if you are of african descent
no matter your current spiritual path
please, please, please do yourself a favor:
commune with your ancestors.

it doesn't take much.
and it has nothing to do with replacing god.

uplifting those who have gone before is just as necessary as uplifting our people on this plane.

ashe.

4.06.2007

free floss!

apparently they have some "get your floss on" campaign for the students here at my place of employment.

so...i now have a pretty little (free!) blue box of dental floss from "united concordia"--a group of ppl concerned with "insuring america's dental health".

at least that's what the box says.

the fact that this was pretty much the highlight of my day should strike you as rather tragic. lol.

happy friday!

4.04.2007

goddess garden

i've decided that once i get my house, i'm going to build an outdoor goddess garden. i'll need statues, incense holders, places for candles, baubles, pretty stones and shells, etc.

pantheon to include:

quan yin
kali ma
oshun
yemonja
maybe aida wedo
definitely some kind of replica of the venus of willendorf
something for saartjie

what i can't decide is if i want to just scatter them throughout the garden or just set aside a particular corner as sacred ground. i'm sure it'll depend on how much space i have...

if i can get something fenced in i'll even go out and dance in the moonlight! if not, i'll be content to quietly meditate in front of it--for the neighbors' sake, of course.

4.02.2007

more gratitude...

'cause that's all i can think to write about today

balance
warm showers
flowers
love love love love love
sacrifice
intuition
smiles & laughter
clean sheets
rain
egungun mi
crock pots
diners w/ yummy veggie food
decaffeinated (sorta) coffee
orgasms
yoga!!!

3.30.2007

shaquanda cotton

this is insanity made manifest.

this girl deserves to be freed. immediately.

there's a link to her official blog in the list to the right.

update 4/2/2007: she's been released, and authorities will be investigating the texas juvenile justice system to find other kids "whose sentences have been unjustly extended by prison authorities." give thanks.

another one of those days.

sometimes i don't understand why i'm here or what i'm doing.

i get tired of unpaid bills,
not being paid enough...or being paid just enough...

i don't want another job like the one i have now, but will i have a choice?

going back to school would only put me in more debt. and the things i could concieve of studying wouldn't guarantee me shit.

i'm tired of being an underling to people who are half as smart as i am. most days i feel like my gifts mean nothing because there seem to be so few outlets for them in this culture.

i wanted to help heal people and ran into another spiderweb of red tape.

and what the hell is up with the disappearance of my libido? groan.

i'm not saying i want things to be easy...it'd just be nice to feel like i have a place in this world.

i know i have to stay motivated...that i can't let the bad days get me down. it's hard. the one person who could always make it better is gone now, and my internal "you can do it!" voice hasn't become strong enough yet. there are still huge parts of myself i struggle with.

it's taking just about everything i have not to run to some bathroom on another floor and cry my eyes out.

but...i won't.

it's payday. so after i finish this, i'll go pay a couple of bills

this evening i'll get some groceries and things to clean the house...i'm already planning a curried potato, lentil and spinach dish. and i can get at least the bathroom done tonight, put some clothes away (finally). maybe get some laundry done.

there's a stephen marley cd waiting for me somewhere, too.

tomorrow morning i'm going to go speak with the ancestors and take them an offering.

i know it's gonna be ok.

that still doesn't stop you from wanting to throw back a couple of petron shots and toss the world a middle finger every now and then.

gratitude

if i'm gonna bitch & moan, i like to follow it up with a gratitude list...i try to put it all in perspective--even when things seem kinda hopeless. i know i'm still blessed.

that said, today i am grateful for...


iba olodumare
iba ori mi
iba eshu
iba egungun
iba ogun
iba olokun
iba oshun
family
friends
paydays! (especially when they're fridays, too)
good music & movies
a supportive partner who loves me
bean pies
words.
expression
intelligence
heart
wisdom
godchildren (especially silly 7 yr old ones)
right-on-time phone calls

3.29.2007

i dream of women

seriously.

very sensual, strangely lit, movie type dreams.

it's the strangest thing.

i was told some time ago that it was probably some manifestation of a need for sisterhood, a consequence of not having many female friends.

i've never been romantically interested in women, and i'm not now. so enjoying these dreams is something of a paradox.

her appearances are variations on several themes: she's always a cross between an african queen and a black power logo from 1960something. tall, dark, afro-ed, and sweet. she smiles at me a lot. our contact feels more like a journey than anything sexual.

i don't feel her kisses so much as i experience them. i don't touch her so much as i run my hands through a river.

i don't get it.
i suppose i don't have to.

maybe it's just me falling in love with myself.

3.28.2007

the boys downstairs

i don't know how to end this...still a work in progress

aside from my alarm clock
the first thing I hear in the morning
are the cries of a 3 yr old child

after repeatedly hitting the snooze button
there’s the echo of
mommy yelling and
baby trying to figure out why she’s so mad

a few months ago it would be
mommy and daddy fighting that greeted me
7am or earlier
fussing about lies and all other manner of what not
i suppose the experiment in playing house failed
since daddy’s not there anymore

i don’t know what that boy did
pretty as he is
i remember coming out of the house the same time as them
and was greeted with a bright, cheerful “hi!”
then, later, the mischievous face
staring out of the front door calling
“mooooooommy…”
(I’m guessing she was in the basement doing laundry)
I playfully put a finger to my lips
and he grinned that pretty grin
at our quick game of peek-a-boo
and kept calling
“moooooommy…”

i don’t pretend to know
what motherhood is like
but i understand a bit
about the making of happy children

i also know how the other little boy
who used to live in the same apartment
became my godson’s bully

…no one spoke to him
unless they were yelling
my gentle “hey” caught him as a deer in headlights
then he shot finger guns at me
(he was always shooting finger guns
or play ones
expecting you to fall down dead)

i remember hearing the tantrums he’d throw
after daddy dropped him off
on a weekend or
after a weeknight visit
remember thinking
that anger’s gonna get him in
big trouble
someday

big
trouble…

(c) 2007 l.a.m.

3.27.2007

temporary insanity

i wanna
run away with nothing but
a pen
a pad
and some dreams

i'd like to live on air and
eat sunshine with
rose petal forks and
moonbeam knives

i know you're thinkin
that's some ol' esoteric boho bullshit
but...hear me out for a minute

i wanna walk barefoot on
august-heated asphalt
'cause i know i can
and the grit would feel good between my toes
just like serengeti sand used to

i wanna give folks an example of what it looks like
to live on the other side
or no side at all
travel with my hair trailing behind me
smiling at nothing
conversing with the spirits
(i'll blame my insane appearance on a nonexistent wireless cellular headset)

i wanna perform miracles on street corners
so black & brown babies will understand the truth in "you can do anything"
and know it's not just a lie grown ups tell to shut you up.

of course i'm writing this
at a computer
at a desk
in an office that has nothing to do with a dream of mine
or any of my modest aspirations
but that's why i make up these little bits of verse
and put them out into the ether
'cause that's where freedom is.

(c) 2007 l.a.m.

3.26.2007

hmm...well...

netflix brought the first season of def poetry jam, and it's been kinda inspiring. i might actually have some poems to post soon.

this past weekend was a reminder of all my blessings, and a bringer of new ones.

i'm glad the mercury's creeping up the thermometer.

i have got to replace my jazzyfatnastees cd, pronto.

if you love the color purple, please read this book.

i think that's all i have to say right now...

3.21.2007

another gem from the 90s

wole soyinka on traditional yoruba religion

Beier: I am not quite certain what his real argument was or how it was phrased. But I do remember your rather fierce reply! The gist of which was that both Christianity and Islam were conservative forces that actually retarded Nigeria’s ability to copy with the modern world, whereas traditional religions - Yoruba religion at least - was something much more open, and much capable of adaptation ...

Soyinka: Yes, and for the very reason liberating! I am glad you brought up the issue of Islam, because that was also contributory to my entire attitude to imposed foreign religions. You know all this nonsense of religious intolerance which is eating into the country now - it didn’t exist in my youth! During the Ileya we celebrated with our Muslim friends, because they would send us meat from their ram; the Oba would go to the mosque, even if he was a Christian, and vice versa: during Christmas and Easter, our Muslim friends would come to the house. There was always equality between the religions - acceptance. And that in turn made it impossible for me to see one as superior to the other. And of course, the more I learned about Yoruba religion the more I realized that that was just another interpretation of the world, another encapsulation of man’s conceiving of himself and his position in the universe; and that all these religions are just metaphors for the strategy of man coping with the vast unknown.

I became more and more intrigued and it is not surprising that, when I went to study in England. I nearly took "Comparative Religion" as one of my subjects; but then I decided that I would enjoy it more, if I just read into it and visited all sorts of places ... I remember going to this small Buddhist meeting; I visited the so-called fundamentalist religions, the spiritualist churches ... I went to one or two seances. I have always been interested in the spirituality of the human individual. So when people like Tahir - and there have been many of them - have made that kind of statement, I have always risen to counter it very fiercely. Traditional religion is not only accommodating, it is liberating, and this seems logical, because whenever a new phenomenon impinged on the consciousness of the Yoruba - whether a historical event, a technological or scientific encounter - they do not bring down the barriers - close the doors. They say: Let us look at this phenomenon and see what we have that corresponds to it in our own tradition, that is a kind of analogue to this experience. And sure enough, they go to Ifa and they examine the corpus of proverbs and sayings; and they look even into their, let’s say, agricultural practices or the observation of their calendar. Somewhere within that religion they will find some kind of approximate interpretation of that event. They do not consider it a hostile experience. That’s why the corpus of Ifa is constantly reinforced and augmented, even from the history of other religions with which Ifa comes into contact. You have Ifa verses which deal with Islam, you have Ifa verses which deal with Christianity. Yoruba religion attunes itself and accommodates the unknown very readily; unlike Islam, because they did not see this in the Koran - therefore it does not exist. The last prophet was Mohammed, anybody who comes after this is a fake. And Christianity! The Roman Catholics: until today they do not cope with the experience and the reality of abortion! They just shut the wall firmly against it. They fail to address the real problems of it; they refuse to adjust any of their tenets.

sunni patterson

go check her out, y'all. seriously.

3.20.2007

standing by your man or just standing by?

i keep hearing sistas talking about how we have to stick by our men, help them through their trials and tribulations 'cause they're just as beat down by the system as we are and so on and so forth...

but when is enough enough?

when do you stop standing still for a man who gives you no guarantees?

we've all heard the rant about white collar blk women having issues with blue collar blk men...i'm going beyond that. whether my man works in a boardroom or a machine room, i'm happy as long as he's making a good, honest living and is standing on his own two feet. hell, i can't say i'm much of a "career woman", so that's no big deal.

the issues i'm talking about are more emotional, spiritual. what is stunting the growth of our men? can we blame it all on the lack of fathers? i really think that, similar to the issue of socioeconomics and crime, we have to ask at what point personal responsibility and self-awareness take over.

what motivates a man? there are so many programs and self help books for women...why haven't the "experts" learned what works for men?

is the only thing that can help a man a good woman? how long is said woman supposed to hang in there while he gets his shit together?

i wanna slap the teeth out of the mouth of every man who's left his son.

i wanna tongue-lash every woman who made her son the "man" of the house as soon as he could talk in complete sentences.

you don't know the monsters you're creating.

3.15.2007

tim for president

"It always cracks me up ("cracks me up" in the sense of "infuriates and depresses") to hear Republicans act like hardheaded, down-to-earth fiscal realists when the Democrats propose one of their pie-in-the-sky social programs, health care for children or some such shit, demanding, "How are we going to pay for this? Where’s the money going to come from?" whereas they never, ever pose such questions if the money’s going to go toward killing tens of thousands of foreigners. This, of course, would be tantamount to treason. Conservatives don’t go in for utopian social engineering when it involves giving free money to poor people here—only if it means demolishing existing countries on the other side of the planet and building completely different ones in their place. Why the hell not? What’s stopping us? We create our own reality! We’ll be greeted as liberators. It’s a New American Century! Lap dances for every Iraqi!"

--tim kreider

who i be

some days i feel like i'm failing at this "integration" thing.

i suppose i should explain.

for the last couple of years--particularly since the loss--i've been trying to get the creative/spiritual/womanly and "gotta pay the bills"-selves all wrapped up into one instead of continually killing off little pieces of me when it's convenient.

my biggest fear is going the route of the phoenix and burning myself out. starving for mental stimulation and sensation can get you in trouble.

doing the spiritual work helps. but it also tends to remove me from my material existence. then, usually around the time my cycle's due, when i come crashing down to earth, i tend to look around and think, "what the fk is going on here??!??"

becoming more mindful and committed to prayer makes a difference. i might feel like hell walking out the door, but taking a deep breath and getting it together so i can greet my shrines forces a reorganization of priorities.

massage does the same thing. a bad day instantly turns into a good one when i have a client. i have to check my crap at the edge of the table and deal with that person's well-being. and the better i make them feel, the better i start to feel myself. it's a wonderful exchange.

that's something i need to be seriously thinking about doing all day, every day.

i need to pull out all those papers and get serious about getting certified in dc. even if i don't do crap with it right now...at least i'll have it.

get my cpr certification renewed
scrape up the change to get my association membership renewed
i won't even talk about continuing education credits...oy.

not to mention that i'll have to basically re-learn everything before i'd feel confident going on a job interview. you think i still know the origins and insertions of the six deep lateral hip rotators? nope.

reiki classes were offered recently at my alma mater, but i missed out on those...have to catch 'em next go round.

and all this starts me wondering, "should i really try to do the house thing now?". but a house would mean a tax break for once. maybe i could actually start looking forward to refunds instead of owing.

i can have it all. i know i can.
i just have to pace myself...

and before, during, and after all that, i need to find the space, inspiration, and will to keep writing.

maferefun ori

...for keeping me in a spirit of gratitude.

the things worthy of praise today include:

paydays!
restaurants that love veggies/vegans
emotional intelligence/awareness
orgasms
cashews
cars
mindfulness
laughter
prayer/the presence of spirit
health/food/shelter/clean clothes
warm brown hugs
meditation
friends & family
smiles
intuition
paying the bills...and not being harrassed for delaying the ones i can't
knowing i have options. even if it doesn't always feel that way.
clean desks
slow work days that accomodate blogging

3.14.2007

renaissance

to piggyback my myspace blog...i think i need to get back into the poetry game.

to be fair, i was never really in it, but i used to write a lot more of it than i do now--even if i didn't read.

writing these days has taken the form of snippets of journal entries (compared to the multiple page outpourings i did years ago), blogging, and maybe a couple of lines here & there if the mood strikes.



still, on the rare occasions when i do go out and listen to folks, 80-90% of them have me thinking, "i can do better than that."

during my hiatus i've tried to be mindful of squashing negative mind chatter, getting rid of all the "i can'ts" and "i'm not good enoughs".

i'm not gonna assume i'm the next big thing, either. i mean, i'm damn near 30. full time, broke ass poet status isn't my bag. i write because i've always written. becoming a local celebrity and getting first slot at the local cafe isn't really my goal.

but i have a voice. and something to say.
i deserve to be heard, or, rather, something in me wants to be.

so...we'll see.

3.13.2007

reset

i've decided to fast one day a week...which isn't really hard, especially if i'm working.

i think i eat too much considering my current level of activity. not to mention that i don't even know what i want to eat half the time. that's usually a sign you don't need it as much as you think you do.

i find that i tend to eat to make myself feel good, which isn't the best reason to stuff one's face. i've never been a compulsive eater, or even really overweight for that matter. still, the weight i lost a couple of weeks ago made me wonder if i was carrying around just a little too much extra.

now that the seasons are changing i can get back into the kitchen. i've already re-started my chlorophyll/flaxseed regimen.

i'm leaning towards using fresh herbs vs. dried ones...and i want to learn more about raw foods, even though i know i'll never go too far down that path.

one of those jack lalane juicers is definitely in my future.

lately i feel a burning need to eliminate things that aren't working for me and work towards things that are. my intuition is heightened, and every day i gain more trust in myself.

probably just some kind of birthday high...but i wanna keep it going.

3.09.2007

christian bale

good lord

he couldn't just catch it...i'd THROW it at him. lol.

1990s toni morrison interview

from Black Folk Network



TONI MORRISON, WINNER OF THE PULITZER PRIZE FOR HER GRITTY NOVEL BELOVED, SMOLDERS AT THE INEQUITIES THAT BLACKS AND WOMEN STILL FACE

BY BONNIE ANGELO

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q. In your contemporary novels you portray harsh confrontation between black and white. In Tar Baby a character says, ''White folks and black folks should not sit down and eat together or do any of those personal things in life.'' It seems hopeless if we can't bridge the abysses you see between sexes, classes, races.

A. I feel personally sorrowful about black-white relations a lot of the time because black people have always been used as a buffer in this country between powers to prevent class war, to prevent other kinds of real conflagrations.

If there were no black people here in this country, it would have been Balkanized. The immigrants would have torn each other's throats out, as they have done everywhere else. But in becoming an American, from Europe, what one has in common with that other immigrant is contempt for me -- it's nothing else but color. Wherever they were from, they would stand together. They could all say, ''I am not that.'' So in that sense, becoming an American is based on an attitude: an exclusion of me.

It wasn't negative to them -- it was unifying. When they got off the boat, the second word they learned was ''nigger.'' Ask them -- I grew up with them. I remember in the fifth grade a smart little boy who had just arrived and didn't speak any English. He sat next to me. I read well, and I taught him to read just by doing it. I remember the moment he found out that I was black -- a nigger. It took him six months; he was told. And that's the moment when he belonged, that was his entrance. Every immigrant knew he would not come as the very bottom. He had to come above at least one group -- and that was us.



Q. When you think about what the Jews did as leaders in the civil rights movement, in the forefront of trying to break the barriers, how do you account for the abrasiveness between blacks and Jews now?

A. For a long time I was convinced that the conflict between Jewish people and black people in this country was a media event. But everywhere I went in the world where there were black people, somebody said, What about the blacks and Asians? What do you think about the blacks and the Mexicans? Or, in New York at one time, blacks and Puerto Ricans? The only common denominator is blacks.

I thought, Something is disguised, what is it? What I find is a lot of black people who believe that Jews in this country, by and large, have become white. They behave like white people rather than Jewish people.




Q. Hasn't the rift been brought about partly by the anti-Semitic rhetoric of black Muslims like Louis Farrakhan?

A. Farrakhan is one person, one black person. Why is it that no black person seems to be rabid about Meir Kahane? Farrakhan is rejected by a lot of black people who wouldn't go near that man. It's not an equal standard -- one black person is all black people.


Q. But sometimes whites feel that all white people are being similarly equated, when in fact attitudes among whites range from the Ku Klux Klan right over to the saints.

A. Black people have always known that. We've had to distinguish among you because our lives depended on it. I'm always annoyed about why black people have to bear the brunt of everybody else's contempt. If we are not totally understanding and smiling, suddenly we're demons.





Q. You've said that you didn't like the idea of writing about slavery. Yet Beloved, your most celebrated book, is set in slavery and its aftermath.

A. I had this terrible reluctance about dwelling on that era. Then I realized I didn't know anything about it, really. And I was overwhelmed by how long it was. Suddenly the time -- 300 years -- began to drown me.

Three hundred years -- think about that. Now, that's not a war, that's generation after generation. And they were expendable. True, they had the status of good horses, and nobody wanted to kill their stock. And, of course, they had the advantage of reproducing without cost.

Q. Beloved is dedicated to the 60 million who died as a result of slavery. A staggering number -- is this proved historically?

A. Some historians told me 200 million died. The smallest number I got from anybody was 60 million. There were travel accounts of people who were in the Congo -- that's a wide river -- saying, ''We could not get the boat through the river, it was choked with bodies.'' That's like a logjam. A lot of people died. Half of them died in those ships.

Slave trade was like cocaine is now -- even though it was against the law, that didn't stop anybody. Imagine getting $1,000 for a human being. That's a lot of money. There are fortunes in this country that were made that way.

I thought this has got to be the least read of all the books I'd written because it is about something that the characters don't want to remember, I don't want to remember, black people don't want to remember, white people don't want to remember. I mean, it's national amnesia.

Q. You gave new insight into the daily struggle of slaves.

A. I was trying to make it a personal experience. The book was not about the institution -- Slavery with a capital S. It was about these anonymous people called slaves. What they do to keep on, how they make a life, what they're willing to risk, however long it lasts, in order to relate to one another -- that was incredible to me.

For me, the torturous restraining devices became a hook on which to say what it was like in personal terms. I knew about them because slaves who wrote about their lives mentioned them, and white people wrote about them. There's a wonderful diary of the Burr family in which he talks about his daily life and says, ''Put the bit on Jenny today.'' He says that about 19 times in six months -- and he was presumably an enlightened slave owner. Slave-ship captains also wrote a lot of memoirs, so it's heavily documented.

There was a description of a woman who had to wear a bell contraption so when she moved they always knew where she was. There were masks slaves wore when they cut cane. They had holes in them, but it was so hot inside that when they took them off, the skin would come off. Presumably, these things were to keep them from eating the sugar cane. What is interesting is that these things were not restraining tools, like in the torture chamber. They were things you wore while you were doing the work. Amazing. It seemed to me that the humiliation was the key to what the experience was like.

There was this ad hoc nature of everyday life. For black people, anybody ! might do anything at any moment. Two miles in any direction, you may run into Quakers who feed you or Klansmen who kill you -- you don't know. When you leave the plantation, you are leaving not only what you know, you are leaving your family.




Q. Have you any specific proposals for improving the present-day racial climate in America?

A. It is a question of education, because racism is a scholarly pursuit. It's all over the world, I am convinced. But that's not the way people were born to live. I'm talking about racism that is taught, institutionalized. Everybody remembers the first time they were taught that part of the human race was Other. That's a trauma. It's as though I told you that your left hand is not part of your body.

How to breach those things? There is a very, very serious problem of education and leadership. But we don't have the structure for the education we need. Nobody has done it. Black literature is taught as sociology, as tolerance, not as a serious, rigorous art form.

I saw on television some black children screaming and crying about the violence in their school. But what do we do about that?




Q. But there is violence in schools that are all black, black against black.

A. Black people are victims of an enormous amount of violence. I don't have any answers other than what to do about violence generally. None of those things can take place, you know, without the complicity of the people who run the schools and the city.

Q. That's a strong condemnation. Complicity suggests that these conditions are seen as O.K.

A. Human beings can change things. Schools must stop being holding pens to keep energetic young people off the job market and off the streets. They are real threats because they may know more, they may have more energy, and they may take your job. So we stretch puberty out a long, long time.

There is nothing of any consequence in education, in the economy, in city planning, in social policy that does not concern black people. That's where the problem is. Are you going to build a city to accommodate more black people? Why? They don't pay taxes. Are you going to build a school system to accommodate the children of poor black people? Why? They'll want your job. They don't pay taxes.




Q. Many people are deeply concerned that these young black students are dropping out.

A. They don't care about these kids. I don't mean that there are not people ; who care. But when this wonderful ''they'' we always blame for anything say we've got to fix the schools, or we have got to legalize drugs, what they care about is their personal well-being: Am I going to get mugged? Are the homeless going to be in my neighborhood?

Q. You don't think there is great concern out there that American society has things seriously wrong with it? Not just because ''I can't walk down the street''?

A. Yes, but I do not see vigorous attack on the wrongness. I see what I call comic-book solutions to really major problems. Of course, a new President can make a difference -- he can reassemble the legislation of the past 20 years that has been taken apart and put it back. They said it didn't work. It's like building a bridge a quarter of the way across the river and saying, ''You can't get there from here.'' Twenty years! It never had a generation to complete the work. Somebody has to take responsibility for being a leader.




Q. In one of your books you described young black men who say, ''We have found the whole business of being black and men at the same time too difficult.'' You said that they then turned their interest to flashy clothing and to being hip and abandoned the responsibility of trying to be black and male.

A. I said they took their testicles and put them on their chest. I don't know what their responsibility is anymore. They're not given the opportunity to choose what their responsibilities are. There's 60% unemployment for black teenagers in this city. What kind of choice is that?




Q. This leads to the problem of the depressingly large number of single-parent households and the crisis in unwed teenage pregnancies. Do you see a way out of that set of worsening circumstances and statistics?

A. Well, neither of those things seems to me a debility. I don't think a female running a house is a problem, a broken family. It's perceived as one because of the notion that a head is a man.

Two parents can't raise a child any more than one. You need a whole community -- everybody -- to raise a child. The notion that the head is the one who brings in the most money is a patriarchal notion, that a woman -- and I have raised two children, alone -- is somehow lesser than a male head. Or that I am incomplete without the male. This is not true. And the little nuclear family is a paradigm that just doesn't work. It doesn't work for white people or for black people. Why we are hanging onto it, I don't know. It isolates people into little units -- people need a larger unit.




Q. And teenage pregnancies?

A. Everybody's grandmother was a teenager when they got pregnant. Whether they were 15 or 16, they ran a house, a farm, they went to work, they raised their children.

Q. But everybody's grandmother didn't have the potential for living a different kind of life. These teenagers -- 16, 15 -- haven't had time to find out if they have special abilities, talents. They're babies having babies.

A. The child's not going to hurt them. Of course, it is absolutely time consuming. But who cares about the schedule? What is this business that you have to finish school at 18? They're not babies. We have decided that puberty extends to what -- 30? When do people stop being kids? The body is ready to have babies, that's why they are in a passion to do it. Nature wants it done then, when the body can handle it, not after 40, when the income can handle it.




Q. You don't feel that these girls will never know whether they could have been teachers, or whatever?

A. They can be teachers. They can be brain surgeons. We have to help them become brain surgeons. That's my job. I want to take them all in my arms and say, ''Your baby is beautiful and so are you and, honey, you can do it. And when you want to be a brain surgeon, call me -- I will take care of your baby.'' That's the attitude you have to have about human life. But we don't want to pay for it.

I don't think anybody cares about unwed mothers unless they're black -- or poor. The question is not morality, the question is money. That's what we're upset about. We don't care whether they have babies or not.


Q. How do you break the cycle of poverty? You can't just hand out money.

A. Why not? Everybody gets everything handed to them. The rich get it handed -- they inherit it. I don't mean just inheritance of money. I mean what people take for granted among the middle and upper classes, which is nepotism, the old-boy network. That's shared bounty of class.

3.08.2007

maferefun ogun

Ogun awo, Olumaki, alase a juba.
Spirit of the mystery of Iron, Chief of Strength, the owner of power, I salute you.

Ogun ni jo ti ma lana lati ode.
Spirit of Iron dances outside to open the road.

Ogun oni're, onile kangun-dangun ode Orun, egbe l'ehin,
Spirit of Iron, owner of good fortune, owner of many houses in Heaven,
Help those who journey,

Pa san bo pon ao lana to.
Remove the obstructions from our path.

Imo kimo 'bora, egbe lehin a nle a benge ologbe.
Wisdom of the Warrior Spirit, guide us through our spiritual journey with strength.

Ase.
So be it.


here's a great myspace bulletin sent by this sista today...

Trust enough to be Courageous...

Herukhuti/Ogun....This is the energy within us that removes obstacles that impede us from continuing on our journey to spiritual growth, development and enlightenment. Herukhuti is fiery energy that we can use to "burn" off the antiquated parts of ourselves. In one respect, Herukhuti's energy is great because he says, "Do it NOW!" However, the challenge in that is actually releasing those parts of ourselves that don't serve us any longer. I am finding that more than acknowledging what needs to be released and even more than actually releasing that thing, behavior or person, what I have to do is to release my attachment to it. This is what I love about Herukhuti. He gives me the courage to make the leap of faith into a realm that seems scary without out fear of harm in anyway.

Herukhuti is the warrior. When I think of warriors, I envision people who completely and totally believe in what they are doing. So much so that they are willing to give their lives for that thing. They are exceedingly passionate about what they are standing for. This is the energy within ourselves that can help us move through the blockages, the attachments to our depression, our relationships, our beliefs that keep us walking in limitation.

So again with this fast, I am being called to tap into my passion, my courage, that part of myself that does not fear releasing the toxic emotions within my emotional body. I am being called to stand for wholeness, stand for truth, to stand for ME! I take this time to shift my faith in these unhealthy attachments to my faith in God/Goddess, Source Energy that is all that I am. I also take this time to get real with myself about what I am really getting from holding on to these emotions and behaviors. As I continue to walk in the Truth of Goddess as the one true source of my all, I effortlessly release the blockages from my energy matrix...

Most of us have a vision for our lives. Though we may not all be clear about this vision, we all are working toward living our highest and greatest good. This is our nature. What assists us with moving toward the higher purpose in our lives is our inner voice. I call it the voice of God within. What CIB is calling us to do is to TRUST this voice. How many times have you heard the inner guidance and thought, "Naaa. That could not be right." and you did the exact opposite thing? Or how many times did you hear that voice, KNOWING that it was right and you decided that you would ignore it anyway? CIB is saying that WE, YOU, are a conduit of Divine wisdom and knowledge. There is nothing that you have to do in order to receive this divine transmission other than open yourself to it.

One of the best sources of information about what is going on with us is our feelings. Do you trust your feelings when they are telling you that something is not quite right? Do you trust your feelings when they are telling you that what you have heard or experienced rings true for you? The lesson in this fast is that emotions that don't feel good to you are telling you that there is a need for you to release them. This is SPIRIT TALKING TO YOU! There are also those emotions in your emotional body that allow you to experience those God/Goddess qualities that you desire most to make manifest in your daily life such as peace, love and joy. These emotions are also speaking to you. They are telling you that you are in alignment with you highest and greatest good.

So as you continue on your path to freedom from the limitations of ego and walking in the truth that we are limitless beings, allow the energy of Herukhuti/Ogun within you to emerge to help you courageously continue to move through self-imposed blockages. You can do this in TRUST. Trust that where you land on the other side will hold valuable lessons and growth opportunities that will assist you on your journey to remembering and living that truth that is you: You are God/Goddess in action.

Much Love
Tyra Olufemi

3.02.2007

the last thing i needed

was something to upset my stomach.

ugh.

mercury's lovely little retrograde trip is in full mickeyfickin effect today...

3.01.2007

delayed reactions

i was going to try to work on the new project today, but got stalled...it's probably something i'm going to need a lot of room and time to really get right. but i've learned that if i'm not flowing, the best thing to do is leave whatever it is alone. otherwise i'll delete every damn thing and wind up with nothing. ha.

i'm holding up well, albeit a little worn out. i'm already kinda tired of soup, but i'm still not ready to venture fully into the world of food. just trying to listen to my body & roll with it...

ok. i totally forgot i was writing this, and now it's almost quarter after 4pm...

yeah.

g'night folks.

2.28.2007

another battle...

the last few weeks have been a lesson in purification, transition, metamorphosis, and some other things. it seems that a lot of the things that happened in late 2006 and early 2007 have started to take a physical toll. the last few days haven't been fun, but they have been enlightening in their own way.

in the aftermath, i've decided to renew my commitment to restart my yoga practice--twice a week if i can help it. i recognize now how it kept my energy and breath flowing in a positive way.

i may start keeping a food diary so i can reevaluate my food choices. the vegetarianism keeps me in a better place than a lot of ppl i know, but i may need to start using some herbs & other supplements to keep myself functioning optimally.

i need to surround myself with healing crystals and motivational thoughts.

my time is coming, and i want to be well enough to enjoy it fully.

ashe.

2.23.2007

new-agey self help bookish thought for the day

the affirmation on my bedroom mirror says "you are on schedule. respect your pace." over time, i've learned to accept that. if i'm rushing around frustrated, thinking "oh god, i'm late for (fill in the blank)", i'll look up at that as i'm frantically trying to get an earring in my ear, and it forces me to slow down, take a deep breath, and understand that i'm not going to miss anything.


i also found this here...

In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality I live in. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

I further recognize, that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All. So be it! ASHE!

feelin' fine

it's funny...just when you think you're standing still, you get a teeny push in the right direction.

before you know it, you're speeding downhill...

i'm grateful for all the opportunities that are presenting themselves to me. i feel stronger, more confident, and more aware than i have in years.

honey told me recently that i didn't sound very humble. i told him that while i am always understanding of the fact that i only have what god has given me, and that i am continually humbled by the trust the universe has put in me, i don't have time for the usual brand of humility. i'm going to have to get back to a full understanding of the richness & beauty of me--and flaunt it--to get to where i'm going this lifetime.

i gots braggin' rights. lol.

there's always room for improvement, but i'm enjoying where i am right now for the most part. i'm growing, and i'm learning.

i have some big tasks ahead of me. but i have no doubt that i'll be able to accomplish them...and well.

ashe.

2.21.2007

cherish the day

yeah i'm takin it back
'cause i feel like it...

100 quotes from The Secret

(the original poster said they weren't sure if these were actual quotes, but they're all good, so...here you are. if you want more info, go here.)

1. We all work with one infinite power
2. The Secret is the Law of Attraction (LOA)
3. Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting
4. We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think
5. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy
6. People think about what they don't want and attract more of the same
7. Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation
8. You attract your dominant thoughts
9. Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most
of prosperity have it..etc..
10. It's not "wishful" thinking.
11. You can't have a universe without the mind entering into it
12. Choose your thoughts carefully .. you are a masterpiece of your life
13. It's OK that thoughts don't manifest into reality immediately (if we saw a picture of an elephant and it instantly appeared, that would be too soon)
14. EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted .. accept that fact .. it's true.
15. Your thoughts cause your feelings
16. We don't need to complicate all the "reasons" behind our emotions. It's much simpler than that. Two categories .. good
feelings, bad feelings.
17. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.
18. Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming
19. You get exactly what you are FEELING
20. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances
21. You can begin feeling whatever you want (even if it's not
there).. the universe will correspond to the nature of your song
22. What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract into your experience
23. What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match - no exception
24. Shift your awareness
25. "You create your own universe as you go along" Winston Churchill
26. It's important to feel good ( ( ( (((good))) ) ) )
27. You can change your emotion immediately .. by thinking of something joyful, or singing a song, or remembering a happy experience
28. When you get the hang of this, before you know it you will KNOW you are the creator
29. Life can and should be phenomenal .. and it will be when you consciously apply the Law of Attraction
30. Universe will re-arrange itself accordingly
31. Start by using this sentence for all of your wants: "I'm so happy and grateful now that....
32. You don't need to know HOW the universe is going to rearrange itself
33. LOA is simply figuring out for yourself what will generate the positive feelings of having it NOW
34. You might get an inspired thought or idea to help you move towards what you want faster
35. The universe likes SPEED. Don't delay, don't second-guess, don't doubt..
36. When the opportunity or impulse is there .. ACT
37. You will attract everything you require - money, people,
connections.. PAY ATTENTION to what's being set in front of you
38. You can start with nothing .. and out of nothing or no way - a WAY will be provided.
39. HOW LONG??? No rules on time .. the more aligned you are with positive feelings the quicker things happen
40. Size is nothing to the universe (unlimited abundance if that's what you wish) We make the rules on size and time
41. No rules according to the universe .. you provide the feelings of having it now and the universe will respond
42. Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing (bills in the mail, being late, having bad luck...etc..)
43. You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point
44. "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha
45. What can you do right now to turn your life around?? Gratitude
46. Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately
47. What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about
48. What are the things you are grateful for?? Feel the gratitude.. focus on what you have right now that you are grateful for
49. Play the picture in your mind - focus on the end result
50. VISUALIZE!!! Rehearse your future
51. VISUALIZE!!! See it, feel it! This is where action begins
52. Feel the joy .. feel the happiness :o)
53. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one
54. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists." Alexander Graham Bell
55. Our job is not to worry about the "How". The "How" will show up out of the commitment and belief in the "what"
56. The Hows are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream
57. If you turn it over to the universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered .. this is where magic and miracles happen
58. Turn it over to the universe daily.. but it should never be a chore.
59. Feel exhilarated by the whole process .. high, happy, in tune
60. The only difference between people who are really living this way is they have habituated ways of being.
61. They remember to do it all the time
62. Create a Vision Board .. pictures of what you want to attract .. every day look at it and get into the feeling state of already having acquired these wants
63. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein
64. Decide what you want .. believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it's possible for you
65. Close your eyes and visualize having what you already want - and the feeling of having it already.
66. Focus on being grateful for what you have already .. enjoy it!! Then release into the universe. The universe will manifest it.
67. "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve" W. Clement Stone
68. Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.
69. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it and act on it.
70. How can you become more prosperous?? INTEND IT!!
71. 'Checks are coming in the mail regularly'... or change your bank statement to whatever balance you want in there... and get behind the feeling of having it.
72. Life is meant to be abundant in ALL areas...
73. Go for the sense of inner joy and peace then all outside things appear
74. We are the creators of our universe
75. Relationships: Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others .. love yourself and you will be loved
76. Healthy respect for yourself
77. For those you work with or interact with regularly .. get a
notebook and write down positive aspects of each of those people.
78. Write down the things you like most about them (don't expect change from them). Law of attraction will not put you in the same space together if you frequencies don't match
79. When you realize your potential to feel good, you will ask no one to be different in order for you to feel good.
80. You will free yourself from the cumbersome impossibilities of needing to control the world, your friends, your mate, your children....
81. You are the only one that creates your reality
82. No one else can think or feel for you .. its YOU .. ONLY YOU.
83. Health: thank the universe for your own healing. Laugh, stress free happiness will keep you healthy.
84. Immune system will heal itself
85. Parts of our bodies are replace every day, every week..etc... Within a few years we have a brand new body
86. See yourself living in a new body. Hopeful = recovery. Happy = happier biochemistry. Stress degrades the body.
87. Remove stress from the body and the body regenerates itself. You can heal yourself
88. Learn to become still .. and take your attention away from what you don't want, and place your attention on what you wish to experience
89. When the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life
90. You are not here to try to get the world to be just as you want it. You are here to create the world around you that you choose.
91. And allow the world as others choose to see it, exist as well
92. People think that if everyone knows the power of the LOA there won't be enough to go around .. This is a lie that's been ingrained in us and makes so many greedy.
93. The truth is there is more than enough love, creative ideas, power, joy, happiness to go around.
94. All of this abundance begins to shine through a mind that is aware of it's own infinite nature. There's enough for everyone. See it. Believe it. it will show up for you.
95. So let the variety of your reality thrill you as you choose all the things you want.. get behind the good feelings of all your wants.
96. Write your script. When you see things you don't want, don't think about them, write about them, talk about them, push against them, or join groups that focus on the don't wants... remove your attention from don't wants.. and place them on do wants
97. We are mass energy. Everything is energy.EVERYTHING.
98. Don't define yourself by your body .. it's the infinite being that's connected to everything in the universe.
99. One energy field. Our bodies have distracted us from our energy. We are the infinite field of unfolding possibilities. The creative force.
100. Are your thoughts worthy of you? If not - NOW is the time to change them. You can begin right were you are right now. Nothing matters but this moment and what you are focusing your attention on.

2.19.2007

hangin in there...

had a relapse on saturday...
stabilized later that night, but was worn out for the rest of the weekend.

tired of my tummy sounding like an angry gila monster.

oh well. at least i'm functioning.