heritage

if you've been paying attention, you know i'm not christian. you also may have picked up that i'm not really fully subscribed to the institution of matrimony.

however, this video speaks to me.

she reminds me of baby suggs preaching in the clearing.

the power of the crone, the elder. the way(s) we instinctively understand how to bring spirit into our midst.

it's obvious that some force came down to bless this union--or, at the very least, to impart some wisdom to those involved. whether it was a powerful ancestor, an angelic force, or the all-encompassing holy spirit, it's beautiful to witness.

singlehood chronicles # 4

so now the evil little thoughts have started to seep in...

"oh god...what happens if he decides he doesn't like me??"
"i can't keep going with this...i might get hurt!"
"he might say 'no'..."
"this feels too nice..."

*record scratch*

hold up.

this is not me.

since my healing began 13 years ago, i have been blessed with the ability to be near fearless in love, lust, and everything in between.

however, spending most of my 20s in an almost incessant cycle of karma breaking and lesson learning gave me a pretty decent case of amnesia.

i'd almost forgotten that risks are good...and important.

besides, my heart could very well be approaching unbreakable status. one gift of my struggle has been a near seamless internalization of reason-season-lifetime.

i am secure in my love of spirit and love of self. that, by extension, makes me secure in all things.

i can love without labels, give without remorse, and spread honey and glitter with abandon. i can share this wonderment with whomever i choose.

and so what if i happen to shed a few tears along the way? being human, it's easy to forget what i (deeply) know.

what's key is that i come back to this place, every time. because i've done the work. because i know.

thus, i was able to soothe myself: "honey, if he doesn't want you, then he's not the one. for every 'no' he could possibly say to you, you'll hear 'yes' in a hundred different ways. and it feels good because it's supposed to."

womb wonder

ladies, ladies, ladies.

can we talk?

if you have never allowed your sweet spot to do your thinking for you*, i invite you to try.

since i performed the anger ritual, renewed my bathing practices**, and listened for Her whispers, i've been feeling lighter and freer each day.

this morning, i woke up feeling delicious.

i worked most of my day barefoot and listening to great music.

i had fun singing at the top of my lungs in bumper to bumper traffic.

i came home, greedily ate my fill and topped it off with a candy bar because i felt like it.

i'm glowy and loving and free spirited today...

all because i remembered that i am a microcosm of the goddess.

i have a lovely, healthy, radiant kitty (i'm SO not talking about my cat...) that adores me.

i am honored by the visions and dreams that come when i listen to her.

all hail the gateway to life...



*if you are out of touch with your womb/clitoris/sexual energy, try connecting to some online information like this, books like the clitoral truth, or a gynocentric sex shop like babeland. and, if necessary, don't be afraid of support groups and individual therapy.

**iba yemonja. so often, my healing comes from water. i could never have felt this wonderful without her healing waters. adupe o for washing my feet and accepting my offerings. olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko. gbe rere ko ni olu-gbe-rere. ase.

maferefun oshun, latojoku awede we mo. my mother, my heart, the source of all my bliss. i give thanks and i honor you, always. ore yeye o! ase.

self love # 4

blurs & beads...

giving thanks...

working downtown
incense
yummy salads
ritual
casamena's podcasts
chocolate chip cookies
downtime @ work
digital cameras
cool breezes
family
bedroom windows
mango scented soap
release
pandora radio
tea lights
sister circles
friends
dreams
health benefits
my womb
words
knowing when to write "no send" letters
...and knowing when to write AND send
water
pocket money

embracing ambiguity

to elaborate a bit on my last baby post...

ok. so it'd be fantastic to have a baby, right? because, for me, that would mean that i'm in a stable, loving relationship that's reached a point of consciousness, maturity, and connectedness where a physical and spiritual example of that love has come into existence.

all good.

on the other hand, most days i'm glad that i was not born with a consciousness that made motherhood central to my sense of full womanhood.

let me be clear: i am not anti-reproduction. i love children. i have friends who are brilliant mothers. i adore my godchildren. i believe motherhood is a calling--just like nursing, teaching or the priest(ess)hood--therefore, (a) women who are not called to it are not traitors to their reproductive organs and (b) forcing a non-mother into motherhood is the fastest way to drive a woman insane.

...but because so many of us ARE raised to feel like traitors if we are unsure about babies--in ways subtle and overt--it can be frightening what some women are willing to do, say and put up with just to fit the cultural norm of a good, acceptable woman. in the black community, i fear that it may be part of what's killing us.

i really don't understand how people are raising daughters to be good, quiet, prolifically reproducing helpmeets in the 21st century.

i'm not saying we don't need intimate relationships. we do. i just think that we're a generation (or more) behind in redefining heterosexual relationships and gender roles so that they work for us and not against us.

because of all the patriarchal, capitalist bullshit we're fed--by the stuff around us if not in our homes--the subconscious and not-so-subconscious message is still that the man has to be in charge and whoever brings home the cash has the power. sigh.

y'all, there's a reason for that poster saying capitalism isn't healthy for children and other living things. and there are all kinds of gifts and power that money will never buy.

all this makes me wonder what family structures were really like before colonization, industrialism, capitalism, and international superpowers, particularly in communities of color. with all being in divine order, sometimes i wonder if we're experiencing a return to something the history books never told us. that this isn't a "breakdown" in some respects, but a transition.

however, it's a transition that the powers that be are afraid, unwilling, and/or ill prepared to support.

in any case, i'm thankful each and every day that my parents raised me to be independent, self-directed, and forward thinking. that my mother could be an opinionated, intelligent woman and my father loved and respected her for it. that they worked together to illustrate how their individual strengths combined to make a stronger unit, independent of genitalia.

even if i never have a baby or get married, at least i have an excellent notion of the way it should be done.

and if not buying the bullshit kicks me out of the running, so be it.

i will not apologize (c) the roots

to some degree, i agree with her.

on the other hand, hearing she's an israelite got my TKON antenna up...but more on that later.

first of all, i don't expect her to elaborate too much within 4 minutes. and i appreciate her honesty here. that's a reality for many of us (and men as well).

i think that this sista and i have some things in common. we are both lovers of our people, desiring of love, peace, and joy, trying to make our way in this crazy, crazy world. she's obviously a beautiful, intelligent woman, and i appreciate her being brave enough to speak her truth.

secondly, anyone who reads this blog probably knows by now that i don't understand how anyone takes anything in the bible literally.* it makes far more sense as metaphor. i tend to compare literal (mis)understandings of the bible to a group of folks finding a mangled copy of the matrix trilogy 1000 years from now, trying to fill in the plot holes, and calling it the one true religion.

that said...

"blame the feminists" does not and never has flown with me. anyone who has ever seriously researched the movement easily discovers that the feminism this sista alludes to (particularly in its nascent stages) had SHIT to do with women of color. in fact, most white women leaders were neglectful towards, if they didn't outright shun, women of color.

women of color were forced to develop a parallel movement based on their own issues which some later called womanism. black, chicana, latina/hispanic, and native american women have always had different relationships to their men, and the movement for liberation often included things like resisting domestic violence, condemning the criminalization of their men and upholding their culture, language, and family structure.

black women may not have needed to be "liberated" from our men, but we did (and still do) need to liberate ourselves and our mates from the racism, classism, and sexism that plague our lives. again, history tells us that our men did not feel the need to lead women around by their necks until they were influenced by the followers of abraham.

i do agree that there are plenty of sweet, loving, wonderful sistas who act as the embodiments of nurturing, sweetness, compassion, and love. i'm one of them. but i don't see the problem with being "independent", particularly in this day and age.

the statistics are what they are, and the damage has been done. if our mates are late showing up to our lives, should we remain lonely, broke, and unfulfilled in the meantime? if we heal and come into our full selves, we can support and love our brothers while also saying, "come to me ready, or not at all" until they take charge of their own healing processes.

that, to me, is not counterrevolutionary, harsh, or "against god". the consequences of the dance of wounded souls are apparent each and every day. there are too many babies being born to parents who are ill prepared to care for, love, and nurture them. we need to stop, look, listen, and HEAL before we usher the ancestors back into the world.

the socioeconomic separation of black women and men is/was perpetuated by the white supremacist system that viewed women as less threatening (and allowed them to slip under the economic radar with things like domestic work & hair care) and criminalized the men.

i agree that we have fallen into the trap of keeping up with our WASP-y neighbors, but even that wasn't possible until the mid-late 60s and integration. before that, segregation--with all its ills--offered a social, economic, spiritual, and intellectual isolation that actually assisted the black community in many ways.

i just sighed at the commentary on lesbians. sexual abuse and the lack of understanding between the sexes that the author herself alludes to are probably far more salient factors in chosen homosexuality--which i think is blown largely out of proportion by similarly minded folks--than a lack of trust/faith in the black man.

sexuality is a continuum, gender roles are socially/culturally assigned, and some of us are just born that way. the faster we can accept those truths, the better.

having seen a lot of male israelites and very few of their women, i take many of their missives with a heavy dose of salt. i'd be reluctant to join up with any group that seems to only involve women as an afterthought and/or as a mere accompaniment to the male backbone of the organization.

*steps off soapbox*

thanks for your time.

*i do believe that the old testament was meant to be taken literally, HOWEVER, it was also speaking to the very specific culture, law and mores of a particular group of people. that group was pretty small, and most african ppl at the time didn't have jack to do with it. it's also quite difficult to understand in the absence of complete study of the torah (some of that's oral, y'all) and other jewish scriptures.

the new testament is a series of esoteric metaphors, largely meant for initiates. based on what i've seen/read, it was not taken literally in its day and should not be now. if you can dig deep enough to get to the meaning behind the metaphor, be my guest. but it's been my experience that the "keys to the kingdom" are far more accessible in metaphysical systems such as yoga, hinduism, orisa, vodou, akan, native american/indigenous spirituality, etc., and that's why they are perceived as a threat.

self love # 3

"Here," she said, "in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard... And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, you!"

~Baby Suggs, from Beloved


massage training helped me gain a new appreciation for hands and touch.

according to my mother, i have my grandmother's hands...that's always fascinated me since those are the only parts of her i remember with any certainty.





these days, i feel like they spend a lot of time covered in shea butter, palm oil, or dishwater.




but they're mine, and i love them.

the power of ritual

i started in on another pity party today, and decided enough was enough.

i started looking online for techniques for releasing anger, and found this.

it's a brief, but very effective ritual. i modified it a little according to my intuition (e.g., i found it necessary to cool/clear the energy after the release), but i'm glad that i found it now that the moon is waning. it's an excellent time to remove and lift things that are no longer serving, so that i can start fresh with the new moon at the end of the month.

i feel lighter already. and i'm thankful.

self love #2

the girls! (totally PG, don't get excited. lol)






one of my profile pics. i'm rather partial to my collarbones/neckline. tee hee.

pitter patter

i heard a bunch of kids playing outside last night, and it kinda made me feel a way about how things could have been.

i often find myself torn between the joyous freedom and flexibility of my kid-free life, and the wonder i feel around the experience of pregnancy, birthing and mothering.

but, all things considered, i've decided that kids are, at best, optional. at worst, they're a statistical improbability.

emotionally, it's not so cut and dry.

chasing amy

ok, so, i got chasing amy from netflix recently, seeing as it's one of those movies that everyone kept telling me i had to see.

my relationship with kevin smith had a rocky start. i was in my late h.s./early college years when he was putting out clerks and mallrats. cosmo tried to get me into his stuff, but...i simply wasn't feeling it. i recall him attempting to indoctrinate me during a lazy saturday afternoon in bed. about 10 minutes into mallrats, i demanded that he "turn this shit off".

now, with a little more life experience and a slightly modified sense of humor, i'm cool with smith. i loved dogma on sight, and he's probably one of the few people who's stuff i'd throw down $8-10 to see, no questions asked.

so, back to chasing amy.

the whole madonna/whore dichotomy has always pissed me off. when holden made his plea to alyssa in the car, my heart melted. i started thinking of how much i miss being in love, those first stirrings of knowing that this person is just wonderfully right for you (at least for now...lol), and building up to the first moment you let them know. the honesty, the passion, all that romantic shit.

and then he finds out--via an infantile, sexually frustrated, hatin ass so-called best friend--that the girl has a "past" and throws it all away.

...only to wise up later.

dumbass.

having been on alyssa's end of this latent male wisdom, i'm sorry i didn't see this sooner. it might have cushioned some of the blows i've gotten since.

i would rant and rave over where hayden got off blasting alyssa for living a little, but i know where he got off.

just like i know where banky got off with his the-man-doth-protest-too-much homophobia.

praise be to my mom & dad, i don't know what it's like to be uptight about just about every bodily function and every position that ain't missionary. but a lot of folks do--and are still living there well into adulthood.

hence hayden's hangups and inability to cope with alyssa--who, to me, embodied the free-wheeling, no holds barred feminine principle.

and we all know what happened to the feminine principle.

the movie touches on the ways in which sons are guided while daughters are either imprisoned or left to fend for themselves (e.g. alyssa's parents never being home). our desires are worthless, fleeting, and/or inconsequential.

boys get to take over the world while girls walk around in a daze wondering why they're here at all--unless it's to get the boys, who are in charge, to like them.

alyssa's what happens when (a) the "good girl" type isn't properly internalized and (b) the boys don't matter so much.

and men wonder why their girlfriends don't tell them shit. 90% of y'all couldn't handle it if we did.

what alyssa (and the proverbial amy) said was true: if we want you, we want you. all the other stuff doesn't matter.

we have to find ourselves just like you do, only there's no "wrong" way for men to do so.

kudos to smith for turning this stuff on its head and bringing it to the light of day as, i suppose, only a good catholic boy could do.

menfolks: i love y'all, i swear i do, but PLEASE find a way to handle the egos. thanks.

another love daughter

may i present sensualizer, a sista i became acquainted with through myspace.

she has created a virtual church to the power of womanhood that i am greatly enjoying.

hope you like it, too.

self love #1

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

~maya angelou

she will be loved...

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

i've returned...

somewhere between last night and this morning, i came back.

lately, i'm aware of these gray spells...spontaneous underworld excursions that twist me and turn me until i'm nearly exhausted.

and then i come back.

suddenly the dreams and whispers make sense. i don't feel like i'm walking in a haze or trying to see through a barely transparent veil.

i'm joyful, comforted, and comforting.
prayers are answered.

it all seems to be related to the moon...when it goes dark, so do i. as it waxes, i become more empowered. by the full moon, i'm wide-eyed and captivated, in love with the world.

i suppose i should have expected a month with two eclipses and two new moons to be a rollercoaster ride.

i'm learning. slowly, but i'm learning.

she got me...

ok, i'll bite...

10 years ago: oh goddess...these are always difficult. i can never remember things in terms of years. i would have been 20. in college. 1998. the year before i met him again. i don't remember who i was dating. i spent a lot of time in college getting over the culture shock and counting the days til i could see the baltimore skyline again...

5 things on today's to-do list:
1. keep from crying. (too much. in front of people.)
2. straighten up/wash the dishes.
3. have at least one decent dream and remember to write it down.
4. get up on time in the morning.
5. allow myself to be myself.

snacks i enjoy:
trader joe's white popcorn.
anything milk chocolate and caramel-filled.
potato chips!
cashews

things i would do if i were a millionaire:
buy a house.
travel incessantly
invest like hell...make that money make money
get all my best friends on a plane and take us somewhere fantastic
get more pets
get initiated in nigeria and take my family/ile with me
give a few hundred thousand dollars away to people doing good shit
take the time to sit down and write something
go shopping!!!
hire a housekeeper


5 places i've lived : there haven't been 5 (wow). just my mom's house, boston, and my apartment.

on my mind...

grief
hope
getting back to me
impatience
passion
books
growth
pain
movement
confusion
beauty
help
strength
friendship
safety
waiting
love
frustration
wanting
disassociation
vacation
ecstasy