it's almost 2009...

about 5 hours left in the year...

new year's is one of my favorite nights. full of fun and skin-shedding.

new year's day almost always feels completely fresh and clean...like a new baby or pristine sheets on a new bed.

2008 has been rough in some ways and wonderful in others. overall, though, the bliss outweighs the burdens. i've learned a lot about myself, committed to my bliss, loved, traveled, and grown.

i'm gonna ring in the year pretty quietly...home cooked dinner, some champagne. maybe a little tequila. hoping for mimosas in the morning.

if you read this this evening, i hope you're happy where you are. if you're going out, hopefully you won't see it until tomorrow afternoon 'cause you had such a good time. hell, i might be out partying tomorrow or saturday night myself. never know.

see y'all next year.

peace

go get you a white boy...yeah. that'll show 'em!

found two interesting videos today...

video 1
from this sista





video 2
from this sista {no audio}




obviously, there's a lot that could be said about either of these. this is a multi-layered topic within the black community, and there's no one way to discuss, handle, or delineate the issue. not to mention that the other extreme has to be put on blast as well.

my main questions are: what are the age groups involved and where are these women from? video 1 obviously featured an urban setting, but were the sistas featured raised in the suburbs and shocked by urban culture later on? not apologizing for bad behavior, just wondering.

i came of age in the 90s in what i like to call the "upper south". yes, there were always thuggish boys around, and the "mob mentality" could indeed take over, as one of the sistas on video 1 mentions. i've most certainly been catcalled, eye-fked, etc. i've gone through the baggy clothes phase.

however, we were not hearing about our peers getting beaten and killed because of a refusal to give a phone number. most boys, when you got them one on one, knew how to act.

this phenomenon speaks to a myriad of issues, not just black men* being inherently "bad" or "less than".

if you can't take that level of basic rejection, you have a problem with self esteem.

there is a problem understanding appropriate emotional response, which suggests that your emotional world is in turmoil--often the case with teenagers, but grown ass men who are still disrespectful on this level are, indeed, pretty low.

there is a problem with love. namely, a young man who would act this way has probably never really seen or experienced it in any healthy, real way.

i'm going to guess that the sistas who posted these videos are no longer teens. beatmewithanapple's reactions seem to be almost pure knee-jerk, with no real examination of what's going on behind the violence and misogyny.

i would venture to say that black american/white american dating for anyone over the age of 25 (maybe even as far as 20)** requires a level of conscious thought, awareness of historical and present socioeconomic and psychological conditions and self-awareness that a whole lot of folk do not possess. if we did, we wouldn't still be handling things like government and policy the way we do. one only needs to revisit the venom stirred up by the mccain/palin campaign to see that.

so...yes, we should protect ourselves. violence against women is a serious problem and should be stopped. immediately. everywhere.

the real men in all communities need to stand up and get in their brothers' asses. seriously.

but, honestly? we all need to go in with eyes open. heal within, then seek love. loving the "other" 'cause you're pissed at your own isn't going to get you the results you want, either.



*boys, really. anyone walking around looking like the "examples" in video 2 are probably under the age of 30 or devoted to a life of crime...which would be undesirable in any man, regardless.

**i realize that anyone younger than that has probably grown up with a different worldview and has parents from a different generation. their perspective on those matters is probably far removed from my own, so i can't really speak to it.

i greet the sun and celebrate his return...

for the first time in a looong time, i started the day with surya namaskar--the sun salutation.

i spent well over a year as a regular yogini, and i miss it. it's very, very interesting how, once attuned to it, your body doesn't forget it and will even call for it.

i have to admit: today is special. even without buying in to all the christmas gifts and "holiday cheer", there's something lovely about the vibe of the day. i suppose that all those thoughts about sweet baby jesus can't help but change the air...

whatever you do to mark the solstice and the new year, may you be blessed, enlightened, held and nurtured, and may you give those blessings freely in return.

peace, light and love,

o.

today...

i am at home.
my home.
with my chosen scents and colors, my books and my familiar.

enjoying my kitchen.
eating my food.
savoring my appetite.

i have had the day to myself.
i have slept, awakened, bathed, and prayed in ways pleasing to myself.

i am full of myself
and life
and love.

and i am happy.

the jeffersons

no, not weezy and george.

tom and sally.

did they love each other? really?

i think ms. gordon-reed does a good job of breaking it down so it can forever be broke.

get over it, whitefolk. jefferson was a product of his times.

unitarian or not, brilliant framer or not, he was still a rich white man who owned folks, and didn't think all that highly of 'em, either.

and sally, well, i suppose she did the best she could with what she had. as the last paragraphs note:

Judging Hemings’s feelings about Jefferson proves more difficult, because she exercised no legal power over him. While she did abandon her plan to stay in France and then came home to live and have children with him, Hemings may well have had second thoughts about leaving her large and intensely connected family back home. Several of their great-grandchildren explain that Hemings returned to America because Jefferson “loved her dearly,” as if that meant something to her. Upon their return, Hemings’s relatives, both enslaved and free, behaved as if Jefferson was an in-law of sorts. After he died in 1826, Hemings left Monticello with several of Jefferson’s personal items, including pairs of his glasses, an inkwell, and shoe buckles, which she gave to her children as mementos.

While marriage is generally taken as a proof of love between a given man and woman, the quality of the relationship between couples who are not married, or cannot marry because of legal restrictions, may be better than that of men and women whose unions are recognized by law.

The most that can be said is that Hemings and Jefferson lived together over many years and had seven children, four of whom lived to adulthood. Jefferson kept his promises to Hemings, and their offspring got a four-decade head start on emancipation, making the most of it by leading prosperous and stable lives. That, I think, is about as much as one can expect from love in the context of life during American slavery.

well, damn.

when you put it that way...

randomly found blog...

not nearly as pagan or queer-friendly as i'd like, but definitely a step in the right direction.

i do, however, love the comment on how christians need to do more work towards envisioning mother/father divinity.

i may elaborate on this later...

faith-leaping

it's a strange thing...i've never felt this discouraged and encouraged at the same time.

while the state of my personal economy is less than optimal--way less. in part because they keep playing games with people's utilities--i do feel like i'm on the right path.

there's evidence that what i'm dreaming up and producing has merit and worth, and i should keep at it.

attending my brother's graduation was equal parts inspiration and anxiety-producing. while i'm really not sure if i have the stomach for school, i know getting that paper is the only way i can really be taken seriously doing the work i seem to need to do.

i'm also wondering about different spiritual systems and paths and how they may need to factor into this journey. while i have no intention of abandoning the path of my ancestors, i'm also being led down several other roads--ones i haven't walked for centuries and may have difficulty retreading.

i suppose it doesn't matter; i've started anyway. the next step is to state my intention. after that, what i need will find its way to me.

happy (i guess) holidays...

for the past several years, it seems i've found myself in some state of grief near christmas, filled with spontaneous emotional releases and harsh crying jags.

i'm elated for anyone who adores this season, but all i want to do is hide under my bed til everything's over and the xmas carols stop.

wait. let me rewind a bit.

i had great holidays as a kid, so it's not about that. actually, i almost see christmas as a children's holiday that loses its charm as you get older. the one redeeming event is seeing children so enthralled with the season and its stories. i love seeing my godkids and little cousins open their presents, talk about santa, and all that.

similarly, the religious element never really held any sway. much to my mother's chagrin, a lot of church stuff simply didn't take. (sorry, mom)

but, let's be real. you're supposed to be in the christmas spirit all year 'round...just like giving thanks ain't just for thanksgiving.

so, now, entering winter means going through all sorts of spontaneous, painful releases that thankfully let up with the new year. when a lot of ppl are dealing with mid-january "post holiday blahs", i'm feeling pretty relieved/renewed because all that stuff is behind me. the ancestral energy calms down, and i have spring and a birthday to look forward to.

seems kinda backward, given the cultural "norms", but i can really hate having to be in the holiday spirit! when it just reminds me of all the family members who aren't here anymore, not to mention seeing my parents go through their own blues. my mother because of family losses--particularly missing her mother, who loved the season. she's a fan of retail therapy. apparently my father suffered a recently re-awakened, christmas-related war trauma. suffice it to say it's no wonder he chose to go to work most years.

it's also been almost a year since the miscarriage. and, considering everything that's happened since, i often wonder if that was my first and last chance at having a family of my own. but that's another story for another day.

maybe, on some level, this is the natural way of seeing the solstice and the new year? i've read about how the so-called pagans saw winter as a harbinger of darkness (sleeping sun) and reflection; a sort of hermitage that lifted in spring.

maybe my body and spirit have taken on those natural rhythms and refuse to conform to the shiny, commercialism-filled veneer that's been slathered over it all.

my german-irish blood must still have me standing in the forest with my cauldron, watching the earth go to sleep. all the african parts are confounded by winter, regardless. guess the asian and the indigenous sections are out to lunch.

so, today's lesson: if someone seems somber instead of overflowing with hall-decking joy between thanksgiving and january 1st, be patient and kind. this isn't a joyous time for everyone.

(of course, today would be our office holiday party...)

wading through the muck...

[temper tantrum]

here's that feeling again. life is just a bunch of work and drudgery. spinning my wheels.

no extra anything. scraping for every bit of joy.

friends broke, busy or far away. lots of reminders of what my life "should" look like by now. not that i care...more so that it puts me outside the circles of a lot of folks i know.

i haven't danced in years. i wouldn't even know where to go.

can't afford yoga. when i can, i don't have the time. or i'm too exhausted.

i can't remember the last time i bought a nice piece of jewelry or even some earrings. let's not even get into clothes and shoes.

can i take myself out to dinner? no. i have to make it myself. which can be fun. but a lot of times it's just a fking hassle.

movies? forget it.

i wasn't even supposed to be living alone at this point. i was supposed to have some help. i don't trust the idea of room/housemates beyond long term partners and possibly family.

i need a term for this feeling. "princess gene" came to mind, but i abhor the kind of spoiled brat connotation that word has at this point.

luxury node?

i dunno.

whatever it is, it's acting up, and i can really hate this season i'm in when it does. i should be living in the lap of damn luxury (or at least adequacy) by any means necessary.

i can really understand why some very intelligent, educated, savvy women turn to sex work. why not take the easy money and run? do what you want with your hours instead of slaving away for practically nothing.

if i can't have my dream house, can i at least get the means to make the place i have look like something? i feel like it's impossible to create the space i want.

why couldn't i have been blessed with craftier gifts people actually pay for? my mother could sew/crochet well. guess it skipped a generation. these words have gotten me nowhere...

i'd like to be able to treat myself to the salon every so often. is that too much to ask? that i not have to eek out 90 minutes i barely have to go through the stages of tackling it myself? or not have to worry about keeping it up if i just hack it all off?

to have clothes that actually fit this spontaneously shape shifting body of mine?

i'm not where i wanna be. and every time i get a glimpse of where i think i should be--and i feel like i know now more than ever--i feel like it's gonna take more money than i can manage. e.g., if i go for it, i'll only dig a deeper hole for myself and owe some other jerks a bunch of money i can barely afford to pay them now for all those failed attempts at trying to get to this elusive destination.

ugh.

guess i'll get to work...

*cries inside*

[/temper tantrum]

i'm grateful, y'all. i really, truly am. i'm just tired of the rat race.

on days like this i can get really close to feeling like my flame's gonna go out before i even have a chance to really see what it can do.

i need to reach out to folks who have made it out and ask them how.

i realize i can be bad at networking. partially because i wanna do stuff on my own. partially because i either make friends or i don't; acquaintances, forced mentorships and what have you can feel unnatural and opportunistic. i suppose that's why i never really took full advantage of the student-professor relationship in college.

...or it could have been the trauma from the culture shock. christ. that's a whole other story.

i'll just shut up now.

on: "gay" marriage

this is one of those things i thought about speaking on, but felt like it was being bandied about in so many ways in so many places, why bother?

but, lemme sum it up so it's outta my head.

your state issues your marriage license, not any church.

no license (from the state), and you're not married. plain & simple.

according to the 14th amendment of the u.s. constitution, everyone in the u.s. has equal protection under the law. this had to be added because of the (ahem) problem posed by having a bunch of free black folk around after the civil war.

therefore, if we truly have separation of church and state, as noted by another one of those pesky constitutional amendments--the first one, in fact--the issue of "gay" marriage isn't an issue at all.

any two consenting adults--whatever that means in your state--should be allowed to enter into a state-recognized contract of marriage if they so choose.

period.
end of story.

whether or not your religious/spiritual institution will perform the ceremony that joins you in the eyes of the god of your understanding is for them to decide, and very few people are arguing that.

but to the judge and the irs, it ought to all be the same.

i don't see the problem.*

thank you and good night.


*of course, i didn't even start in on all the moral/social/spiritual stuff. i decided to keep it short & sweet. in any case, i think the only way to stop this mess dead in its tracks is to remind people that we do, in fact, HAVE a constitution. that seems to have gotten lost in the sauce about 5-7 yrs ago. that document IS the law of the land, and unless and until that's changed--let's hope we haven't gone that insane--we're essentially fiddling while rome's burning. angry at gay marriage when you can't buy food or keep a house? get the fk outta here...

aids burger? word?

some folk STILL don't understand.

there are some "fags" that will break you down...



thanks to crunk & disorderly for the post.

awakening

everything seems to be clearer. it's coming together. quickly. in totally unexpected ways.

sometimes you forget you've asked, and when the answer comes, it can be disorienting.

other times, you're working in the dark. you grope, putting things together, testing them. occasionally you get a sliver of light to work by, then darkness again. but then the dawn comes and you see that you've birthed a masterpiece.

that's how this feels.

i had to see the answer to remember the question.
i've been working, but by less than candlelight. powered by faith.

but now, finally, the sun's on the horizon.
in the new light, i'm amazed by what i've put together.

maybe i can do anything after all.

i'm not abandoning this space, but as i navigate my shadow project, i'm growing into some new and different spaces and may show up less often. inspiration's taken hold.

stay tuned...

thank you for...

breakfast!
mornings @ work that feel like mornings @ home
green tea
body awareness
candles
cheap(er) gas
water
ori mi
incense
friends i can talk to on the drive home
pretty journals
love dreams