mr. j. medeiros

please support this man and his crew.

"constance" and "keep pace" are two of the best songs i've heard in the last few months, genre notwithstanding.

hip hop's still out there, ppl.

venom/antivenom

the cycles of death and rebirth in my relationship are maddening. there's an almost constant pattern of contraction and expansion, labor pains, births of "babies" that prematurely grow into rambunctious teenagers. the strength and frequency of the births make them almost unbearable. the periods of rest are too few and far between. there's a sense that my spirit's being abused for another person's growth.

i recognize my resistance to change--not in the sense of being inflexible, but i enjoy stability and comfort. i don't like being roused out of my cozy corners and forced into motion unless it's a matter of survival. if i am, i often come out hissing and ready to strike.

i'm coming to understand that if i'm going to remain in this situation, i need to find a way to experience these cycles in a positive way.

i also feel like i'm flying blind. i'm normally able to strategize with more confidence, but i can't make plans, i can't anticipate his reactions, i never know what's going to happen next week or next month. there's not even an outline of a plan, ever. i'm just hanging here, assed out, saying i love someone with no sort of determination of what that means for either of our futures--except that whether we stay together or split up, it'll be ok (no shit...but i digress).

there are times when i want to completely check out and just sit there, watching him wither from the effort of trying to keep things together on his own.

i suppose that would be cruel. but at least maybe he'd know where i've been. and where i still am some days.

he says he knows, but i don't always believe him.

rationally, i know and accept that he doesn't do any of it on purpose. he's just going through his growing pains.

my primal survival reaction is to strike back anyway. who cares if he didn't mean it? even if you don't mean to walk up on a lion's den, there's a good chance you could get mauled. lion's gotta be a lion.

when i start thinking like that, i know i need a break.

basking in my sunshine

he says i'm "dangerous" when i'm in this mood.

impish. flirtatious. daring, given the right situation.

i have some of my best times in this mood. i seek out fun and enjoyment. i find myself especially beautiful, play with my hair, clothes, scents. i indulge myself.

there have been times when he's benefited from this mood, but that comes with certain conditions. i have to be around you enough, trust you enough, and you need to know how to ring my bells and blow my whistles well enough first.

there is an element of guilt that comes with this blend of emotions...but that's only pesky social conditioning. you know how it is--as a self respecting black woman, i'm probably not supposed to

~feel unlimited bliss
~take but so much time for myself (even if i don't have a husband/kids, i could be sacrificing myself at someone's altar, right?)
~see myself as a fully integrated, in control, sexual being who can accept or refuse at will (NOT the oversexed slut existing only for masculine enjoyment)*

somewhere along the way, even though my upbringing avoided much of the direct brainwashing, i've picked up a few things by osmosis. thankfully, they're relatively easy to shake off.

my pleasure is just as important as my intellect.
my desires are just as important as my work ethic.
my needs are just as important as my patience.

i'm striving to become completely comfortable with that.
i'm more than halfway there.


*for more on this phenomenon, please see this sistagoddess' blog

when divinity meets humanity

i am rebelling against the spiritual lessons of my current relationship.

i'm coming to realize that it is attempting to ground me, to firmly reestablish my connection to the earth and all her concerns.

over the eons, i have spent quite a bit of time as a very free woman. i've spent more lives as a courtesan and/or priestess than i ever have as a wife and mother.

the snatches of motherhood i've gleaned from my dreams and visions have been very, very pleasant. i think my lingering love and respect for children comes from those times.

marriage has been somewhat stifling, confining. often, i seem to have found ways to wiggle out of or around that.

since i was a child, i've known that i wanted to spend this life with one person. as a teenager and young adult, i developed into a serial monogamist.

i've been blessed with several very ethereal, spirit-based relationships. the kind that take you off the planet and out of your body. of course, i was still confronted with the usual, human issues, but they were more easily dealt with (at least on my end) because emotionally and spiritually i was being so deeply touched. what's a traumatic childhood or two when your souls can touch?

then came this.

i recognized early that honey was someone i could look to in a pinch, a great friend. someone i genuinely liked and respected as a human being, someone i could talk to and have fun with.

over time, though, his fear of opening to spirit and lack of emotional development had me seriously doubting the viability of our union.

that said, my spiritual life has been opened greatly by my training over the last few months. that takes some of the pressure off my relationship, but it's still a disappointment because it's such a large part of who i am.

i have a deep need to be loved in the way i know how to love. love breaks down my barriers, it doesn't put them up. i show up with my current and past selves--a sort of ghost-dance that allows me to know you as you are and were.

if you don't know yourself, if you're still lost in the forest of childhood scrapes and bruises, if the smallest details of how to express your love/adoration/bliss are confounding to you, we're gonna have problems. you gotta show me you're part medicine man, demonstrate command of your shamanic essence.

psychologically, i completely understand his issues, and i sympathize with them. they are by no means unusual or insurmountable, and i know he does the best he can.

but as a lover and a woman, i don't have much patience for the "human" stuff. dealing with mortals is a tiresome, painstaking enterprise.

yet, there are countless myths where the divine falls in love with the profane.

of course, the human tends to fk up.
and i'm just as human as he is, trust me.

i've left three times already. incident #4 seems really close some days.

i recognize that some of my impatience is ego-driven (e.g., "he is SO not on my level...")

however, the divine love wants to see this through. i have to try to teach him as he's teaching me.

the challenge? he's trying to show me something i don't always want to see, and he needs to be taught something i've become angry and resentful that he (1) doesn't already have and (2) is still developing the tools to learn. i'm the type of teacher who's quick to ask, how dare you come to my door unprepared?

i can see that the ancestors want me to have an anchor 'cause i probably won't have the privilege of getting to languish lovingly on top of a mountain, running with my wildcats and listening to the birds. not daily, anyway.

i love the city too much.
i want to be actively helping my people.

i know he'll work hard to pay the bills.
i know he's a good father.
i know he's a good person.

but we gotta work on that magic part.

laboring

in response to my last blog, the lovely ms. oyin sent me a quote:

do you love who you want to be enough to give up who you are?

i believe i may have finally reached that point.

the lack of fulfillment in my life is staggering. and i refuse to accept it any longer.

thankfully i am aware of the abundance around me. i feel beautiful and loved--even if my relationship isn't pleasing to me at the moment. i still feel whole, secure, and safe in the knowledge that i am on the right path.

i've taken to listening to my inner aspects...there's quite a dialogue going on.

the fearless bitch goddess says to run/leap/jump/swim to freedom, by any means necessary. take no prisoners, and claw anyone who gets in the way.

the compassionate mother goddess wants to make sure that everyone's taken care of and smiling--even if a farewell is imminent.

the love goddess wants to adorn and pamper herself, find someone to hold, touch, and stroke her curves. she's tired of fleeting encounters between too-short visits. she reminds me that being desired is nice, but it's even nicer to have desire envelop you, to want to want. it's been a long time.

the water woman stands ready to wash me clean any time i feel i need it. she keeps all kinds of potions and magic ready for me, and conspires with the honey-woman to make me feel good.

the earth lady begs me to walk barefoot in the grass, let the sun kiss me, embrace the rain, and listen to the lessons in the thunder. she reminds me that she's always there to ground and balance me, and that i don't have to be so worried about falling--she's more than willing to catch me.

it's not an easy time, but it's an exciting one.
the pains will pass and i'll be left with the joy. isn't that how it goes?

ashe.

"we can't stop being african women..."

this article is from a few yrs ago, but a newly released book cited it & i thought it was worth a look...


African mothers see baby strollers as abhorrent fad
Tradition of carrying children upheld; 'they can't sit like lumps'

Emily Wax, Washington Post
Thursday, May 20, 2004

(05-20) 04:00 PDT Nairobi , Kenya -- Irene Wambui can't imagine why anyone would buy a baby stroller. She says she sees it as a cold cage filled with useless rattles, cup holders and mirrored headlights. Imagine children being stuffed into such a contraption and pushed around town like some kind of pet.

Yet here she is in the middle-class Westlands shopping district, trying to sell her store's newest merchandise, the four-wheeled plastic and metal tool of modern motherhood. But so far, strollers have been a flop in Nairobi, an affront to tradition.

Across Africa, women can be seen carrying sleeping or sometimes giggly babies on their backs, swathed in cloth. The babies move to the sway of their mothers' hips, synchronized throughout the day, bending with them as they collect water or sweep the floor and rising again when the women stop to rest. They hang on as their mothers sell food in the market or pray at a church or mosque.

The introduction of strollers and baby carriages, both known here by the British word "pram," horrifies traditionalists, even someone such as Wambui, who sells them. The stroller is appearing in major cities around Africa, but so far it has not been a hit.

"It's not so wonderful. In Africa, we just carry our children or let them roam. They can't sit like lumps," said Wambui, 24. "Besides, our roads aren't even good enough for these devices. If everyone had a pram, it would cause jam- ups in traffic. Then we would be bad to our children and bad to our roads."

Wambui's boss and manager, Zara Esmail, was pacing back and forth in front of the strollers one recent day. She said the store had sold only one baby stroller in two months, and that was to a visiting U.N. worker from Britain who complained later that she had been disappointed by the small selection.

"In general, I thought they would sell far better," Esmail said. Perhaps, she added, it's a question of directing more advertising toward middle-class, working moms. "We thought these modern ones would be a hit."

The stroller has sparked debate among African pediatricians who think the device -- first crafted as a labor-saving tool for the European middle class -- may damage the relationship between a mother and a child.

"The pram is the ultimate in pushing the baby away from you," said Frank Njenga, a child psychiatrist in Nairobi, Kenya's bustling capital. "The baby on the back is actually following the mother in warmth and comfort. The baby feels safer, and safer people are happier people."

In the United States and Europe, strollers have long been controversial. Recently, some doctors and child psychologists have blamed them for everything from pediatric obesity to low self-esteem later in life.

Jane Clark, professor of kinesiology at the University of Maryland, said there was concern that Americans were overusing strollers for older children, causing toddlers to be less physically active. A growing movement among child advocates promotes the idea of carrying babies more and getting them out of their strollers.

At the same time, Web sites and magazines in the United States and Europe dedicate a lot of space to the subject of choosing a style of stroller or carriage -- front-to-back or side-by-side, a jogger or a sleeper, with or without a lightweight titanium frame, pneumatic tires, rear suspension, mud flaps and/or battery-operated blinkers. Some European-made antique carriages are status symbols for celebrities such as Madonna and Celine Dion, who spent $2,600 on the classic Balmoral Pram, described by some Web reviewers as a tiny Humvee.

Africans consider the traditional method of toting their children the only true version of day care. When it's time for feeding, the food is right there as a mother shifts her child to the front of her body, nestling the infant to her breast. The baby stroller could change all of that. But many people in Nairobi said they thought the devices would be just another instance of Africans adopting the worst habits of industrialization.

"There are customs from a hundred years ago that are not relevant today for Africans," said Carol Mandi, managing editor of EVE, an East African women's magazine. "Our challenge is to pick the good from the bad. But carrying on your back, well, that is just a wonderful custom that keeps the baby emotionally stable and lets the mother feel bonded. We can't stop being African women just because we are suddenly thrust into the modern world. What next? They will tell us to stop breast feeding in public? No way."

from the mouths of babes...

who can doubt that our ancestors return through the children?

the trials and tribulations of a wild woman with a lingering case of the blues

i started working with my goddess cards a few days ago.

the first question i asked was about feeding my spiritual self.

first card i pulled? betrayal.

according to the guidebook, the card in this position represented the needs of my "wild woman".

of course, there were other cards. but having betrayal stare me in the face lets me know i won't get far until i work with the entities that are feeling lost, lonely, and abandoned by my life as it is in this moment.

i knew from reading dr. estes that i'd betrayed her (she uses wolves, i use tigers). i'd made the bad bargain several times...always burning my creativity and feral nature at someone's stake.

while i've forgiven myself for my choices, the card helped me realize that i've never really had a conversation with my my deeper, darker-but-by-no-means-negative self and explained where and how i went wrong.

even writing about it is a struggle. i've been trying to kick out this blog for two days.

i'm at a crossroads.

the sense of several selves competing for attention is all but gone. however, the integration has caused me to begin to sympathize with the parts of me that have been starving. i have to re-learn what they need, how to feed myself.

i'm becoming more and more aware that several of my current circumstances and situations do not speak to who i am.

maybe it's my empathic tendencies, but i need to be immersed in ideas, situations, people, and thoughts that speak to the highest and best parts of my self.

seems that many folks are just fine with the opposite, but i'm not.

(sidenote: i totally recommend the goddess oracle for any woman blessed with a healthy dose of intuition, but who may not have the time or inclination to learn how to read a full, traditional set of tarot cards. the accompanying book is short and easy to read--particularly if you already have a basic knowledge of goddesswork/belief. it's an excellent tool of self-discovery and reflection. check out hrana's site, too. i linked to amazon 'cause it was easy, but please look into purchasing them at your local goddess-owned or witchy-type book/candle store.)

quickie

nothing's effin with this blog entry right now.

why have i never heard of her?

where are my panties?
(just kidding)

liberation

there are times when i feel like i have to suck myself in...create a vaccuum to preserve my integrity.

there are so many words/thoughts/ideas/conceptions entering my mind i rarely feel like i'm at rest. there's always something else trying to be born.

i find myself longing for an extended period of bliss. experiencing somewhere new and different where all i have to worry about is my next smile...listening to the wind and feeling out the rhythms of trees.

heaven would be soaking my spine in the sun and exfoliating the soles of my feet with sand.

for now, i suppose i can work with a cup of green tea, a few deep breaths, and a brief libation to my ori.

status report

i've come a long way over the last few months.

i have stopped attempting to split myself into digestible pieces. instead, i have made a conscious effort to integrate my selves in a way that pleases and energizes me. now the challenge is learning how to settle the bursts of energy and brilliance into place.

cleaning out the self-imposed spiritual and mental barriers has sparked some strong physical reactions.

while i'm enormously grateful to feel my creativity working again, i can't always stay up half the night writing. i need to find a way to hold on to the ideas without sacrificing too much sleep.

there are times when i wonder when the next battle will come, but only in the name of preparation. fear isn't the readily available option it once was.

if this is what almost-30 does for you, i'm glad to be nearing the end of my 20s.

gratitude

i'm declarin', claimin' and testifyin' today, y'all. it's really starting to feel like my time is coming, and i'm just gonna keep my arms wide open.

today i am thankful for...

rivers
prayer
teachers
DRUMS! and the ppl who give them a voice
oshun--adupe yeye kari, yeye 'jo, yeye opo...o san rere o
kawooooooo kabiyesile!! adupe, sango, baba aladufe.
my hips--for being so wide that i can never forget where i'm from
egungun mi of good character, known and unknown
familiars
elders
flowers
baba mi
manifestations of the triple goddess
road trips
yeye mi
clean kitchens
omiera
honey
ebo
iyaami, primordial and present
nature
trees

check yourself before you wreck yourself.

if i had the money, i'd put billboards up all across this country showing the borders of mexico before all the wars perpetuated to steal their land.

at the bottom it would read "where are your ancestors from?"

please, someone, steal this idea. i won't even be mad at you. it needs to be done.

ppl REALLY need to get a clue. and a history lesson.

...and that sista in the video oughta be ashamed. if that boy was gonna miss a party for anything, it should have been a protest against this endless war he could grow up to die in, the proliferation of the industrial prison complex, or the shitty educational system.

maferefun shango

driving home a few evenings ago, i saw lightning streak across the sky.

for the first time in my life, that sight didn't force me to seize up with fear.

modupe, baba.

things i am coming to accept

1. i'm dope.

2. despite my naysaying & shit talking, i'm 99% certain i will give birth at least once. and i'm sure that after the first time, i'll want to do it again.

3. i am a channel. i exist as a gifted conduit for divine energy. fully accepting that fact in spite of the skepticism of most of the world around me will lead to my bliss.

4. i am a child of sango.

5. i have everything i need to become everything i ever wanted to be.

6. the only thing in my way is me. 'cause...well, see #1.

7. i can write. i need to make that known so ppl will buy my books and i can make money and keep writing instead of sitting at other ppl's desks withering away. toni morrison is an inspiration 'cause she didn't get going until her 30s...einstein, too.

8. water is my lifeblood. oceans, rivers, lakes....lately every time i see one i want to jump in and walk the bottom.

9. i am loved, protected, cherished, and looked after. in other words, ain't shit i need to be worried over. moments of negativity are simply bumps in the road.

10. i'm dope.

tonight, i pray

i have my obstacles all lined up and ready for burning. ashe!

i'm going to clean my house and wash my hair.

i get to see the babies tomorrow. that always makes me happy.

i'm feeling better today than i have in awhile. i can't tell if it was being able to treat myself to a yummy dinner, or just having a little money in my pocket. sometimes i forget that as a child of oshun, having a little change to jingle around can make all the difference.

the moon's probably helping as well. having a full moon to work with in the midst of my cycle can be a very rejuvenating combination, even if i have to walk through some flames to get there.

i wrote a little last night. the project is still evolving. maybe that's the embryo i was trying to name yesterday. i just have to keep twirling it between my fingers, shaping and molding until i start to see a shape i like.

it is a fantastic moment when all the hormonal fog clears and i start feeling and thinking like a rational being again. yes, there is order in the chaos, but yikes.

today i am grateful for clarity, owo (money), moon magic, and words.