still not right...

i don't know what's going on with me...i still feel like i have this cloud hanging over my head.

i'm dissatisfied with everything.
nothing feels right or comfortable.
i don't feel like talking to anyone or being "nice".

i'm not happy. i don't really know why i'm not happy. i'm just not. and nothing seems to cheer me up. i don't know what to do for myself, and i certainly can't tell anyone else what to do to help.

maybe i just lack purpose, inspiration, stimulation.
maybe i'm lonely.

who knows.

but i'm really hoping that having some time off and getting to do some things with my hands will help.

the lady with the fire hair

i had another dream last night about the woman with the red/orange afro. this time she lived in an adobe-type house that seemed to have no doors. there were all kinds of desert colors and pillows/rugs on the floor...it was a beauty salon on the outside, but inside was a sort of elaborate tipi.

this time she was very light skinned with the hair. i was told her name was gloria. she was supposed to be native american, but just appeared to be a "redbone" black woman to me.

last time, she was a smaller, browner woman driving a bus and handing out oshun-lessons.

the first time she was a short, bronzed woman dancing.

she's always a kindly, healing presence, something like a grandmother. even so, she doesn't look old enough to be one, let alone mine (she's always around 35-45 or so).

last night she did my hair and we chatted...the longer we spoke, the better i felt. she always seems to come around when i'm unsure of what's going on around me.

today i am grateful for the presence of the ancestors.

mood swings & machetes

mmm mmmm....i am feelin right evil this morning. i feel like i've been handed a machete...and now i'm trying to figure out how to use it. full kali mode.

i could be onery 'cause i miss honey and just don't feel like going thru all the emotion to say/express it in a different way. besides, he's still busy/not sleeping/dealing with his own shit so i'm kind of ambivalent.

or maybe i just wanna keep (most) folks at arms length.

maybe i'm frustrated about trying to get where i need to be.

i might be tired of boredom.

i still have that dull, colorless feeling. i need sensation.

i'm tired of looking at the walls at home, yet i'm too drained/unmotivated to go out and do anything else.

it's probably the hormones. that's about the only thing that can make me this crazy. pms sucks. especially when i can't remember to bring my !@&$*#& womb tea to work...

release

so i said my prayer last night...

i didn't cry, but...my voice cracked. something in me was shaken by the process of cleansing/healing. that just proves there's something that was determined to hold on to me.

it's all good, 'cause i'm letting go of it.

i can't tolerate any drains on my energy right now. anything that's not beneficial is not worth my time and strength.

next step is to start working on my full moon prayer to oshun...to ask that the spaces the obstacles left be filled with sweet things.

in the meantime, i'll take the time to clear/reinvent my physical space. since i won't be going to south carolina (insert sad face here), i can spend the money on getting some things for the house.

today i am grateful for healing & purification.

blues

the weekend was slightly annoying.
and wet.

honey was off somewhere playing emcee while i was either bored, uncomfortable, or just plain lonely.

i'm still stalled creatively.

i wrote a prayer that i meant to take to the river when i went to odunde, but we didn't make it to the procession. instead, i put the prayer with oshun's things, fully intending to do the work at home...now i can't even remember to light the candle...my other altar's remained dark for god knows how long.

i feel like i'm being held back, and i don't quite know how, why, or by what.

i'm gonna have to rewrite that prayer. or, even better, write down my fears/obstacles and get those out of the way first. then go back to that prayer.

i need to blow off some steam. but i feel like i have no outlets whatsoever.

what the hell is wrong with me?

this will probably all pass once my cycle starts. it usually does.

then again, maybe not. who knows. i really can't even articulate what the hell's going on with me lately. i just know i want to feel normal again. happy. myself. something.

at least i cooked dinner...

homegrown terrorists?

ok.

so they can round up these black dudes, but what are they doing about the white men all over nebraska and god knows where else (remember timmy mcveigh?) who have been forming militias for decades?

i'm not saying the brothas are innocent or incapable of blowing up whatever they'd like to blow up but...hm.

i'm tired of it. all of it.

i want to go somewhere and scream or cry. or both.

i'm tired of feeling like i can't speak, like i have no fking voice whatsoever.

i'm tired of not feeling like i belong anywhere.

sick of having no ambition, no drive, no solution.

i can't seem get my thoughts together in any coherent sort of way. nothing comes out right. i can't make anyone understand how i feel.

i can hardly even eat.

i can't get up in the morning.

i'm tired of this life full of square holes.

i'm round, dammit.

i wanna write some meaningful shit...

but i'm too preoccupied with
my fickle appetite
getting ready for the upcoming vacation(s)
obssessing over how to rearrange my house
reclaiming my dreams
baby showers, bridal showers, wedding presents and credit cards
how to reconcile being too lazy for yoga and feeling horrifically out of shape
missing one
loving the other
boredom

etc
so on
and so forth.

new pictures!

over on myspace

when others say it best...

i just shut up and direct you to it.

so...here you go.

south central farm

i guess no one ever told some folks that without farms, we don't eat.

this is a travesty.

why should a non-profit have to go through the process of trying to raise money to buy the farm?

why isn't the city supporting these people? why isn't this being used as an example of what can happen in other urban areas?

we have huge, beautiful buildings in baltimore that are rotting away because developers are sitting on them like hens on eggs instead of allowing the city and/or community groups acquire the buildings. god only knows what kinds of use they could be put to: safe houses and shelters for youth, community health centers or medical clinics, day care centers or affordable housing units.

these buildings are sitting vacant or worse--torn down for multi-million dollar condos that people may or may not move into.

it's total and utter bullshit.

realities

a friend often told me that as an artist--particularly a writer--i have the power to change my reality and the realities of others. the fact that i'm also a powerful dreamer gives me another gateway into this level of change.

in that spirit, i'm trying my best not to feel helpless in the face of some of the things that i'm having to deal with right now. every chance i get, i actively meditate on that concept and those words.

in the words of the lovely ms. oyin, i may just have to wrap a little more fabric around my head to get folks to recognize.

i kinda did that today...a seriously wrapped bun. long, flowy skirt. earth colors. it's grounding and soothing to me somehow to dress this way.

hopefully, it will allow me to graciously do shit that i really don't feel i should have to do.

let my people go...

i'm sick of being here.

that's all.

i gotta make some moves, but i need money to make those moves. and i probably won't have said money for a minute...but we'll see.

whenever i come in here feeling like i need to cuss somebody out and there's really no obvious reason for it...i know i don't need to be here. but...these paychecks need to buy me a few things before i can bounce for real.

every day i feel like i'm wasting time...

these are my "field negro" days.

i don't wanna do shit for you
i don't wanna answer your questions
...or your phone
i just wanna be free.

odunde!

perfect weather...
beautiful people...
cheap shea butter...
great jewelry...
good music...
african face painting...

...what else do you need?

and afram is coming up *this* weekend, too? shoooooooot...

now let's see if i can stay awake at work today. after not getting home until about 9pm (damn traffic...minus the time it took me to get to my destination off the highway, i got to philly in a little over an hour on the way up), i was up until 1am making deviled eggs.

i gotta teach my best friend a few things. lol.

ITMFA

if even half of what's on the FIRST PAGE of this article is for real...

ITMFA.

i can't believe bill clinton was made into a martyr for lying about an extramarital blow job and meanwhile this mofo has started an illegal war, fixed not one but TWO elections, and pissed all over just about anything that's ever helped poor, black, or brown people and we can't get so much as a decent investigation?

hell
emphatically
no.

the door's ajar...

i was writing in my sleep last night...i haven't done that for years. i mean, i've picked up on a poem or an idea, but this was the beginning of a story.

of course when i was thinking/acting more freely, i'd get up and start writing down whatever it was before it got away from me in the morning. but lately a cost-benefit analysis ensues.

"hmm....sleep or...get up at whatevertimeitis and start scribbling?"

on a work-night, i'm probably gonna choose sleep.

it's a bad habit, and one i'll have to i have to force myself out of. losing a little snooze now and then will probably have to be the sacrifice i make to get my creative juices flowing again.

isn't that the psychosis of every artist?

i really can't afford to ignore ANYTHING right now.
i knocked on the door, and now it's been pushed ajar from the other side.

opening it fully is my choice & mine alone.

i'm tryin to run thru that sucka at full speed.

cuba libre

i'm still trying to figure out what the problem is.

unless it's just that unc sam can't stand seeing all those independently minded, decently educated black & brown folks right under his nose.

if cuba had freed herself as early as haiti, she might be in the same situation that nation is today. as it stands, seems she's gaining the power to hurt some feelings.

but here's what you should REALLY be worried about...

what a difference a weekend makes...

things are...moving. very quickly, i might add.

i feel like a load's been lifted. i give all the glory to the spirits of the ancestors who have never left me, even when i felt i had to leave them.

ashe.
let the journey begin.

i think i'm finally ready to own up to all this goodness i've been given.

but what i know for sure is that the brass ring is coming my way. and i wanna grab it.

it's time.