another battle...

the last few weeks have been a lesson in purification, transition, metamorphosis, and some other things. it seems that a lot of the things that happened in late 2006 and early 2007 have started to take a physical toll. the last few days haven't been fun, but they have been enlightening in their own way.

in the aftermath, i've decided to renew my commitment to restart my yoga practice--twice a week if i can help it. i recognize now how it kept my energy and breath flowing in a positive way.

i may start keeping a food diary so i can reevaluate my food choices. the vegetarianism keeps me in a better place than a lot of ppl i know, but i may need to start using some herbs & other supplements to keep myself functioning optimally.

i need to surround myself with healing crystals and motivational thoughts.

my time is coming, and i want to be well enough to enjoy it fully.

ashe.

new-agey self help bookish thought for the day

the affirmation on my bedroom mirror says "you are on schedule. respect your pace." over time, i've learned to accept that. if i'm rushing around frustrated, thinking "oh god, i'm late for (fill in the blank)", i'll look up at that as i'm frantically trying to get an earring in my ear, and it forces me to slow down, take a deep breath, and understand that i'm not going to miss anything.


i also found this here...

In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality I live in. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

I further recognize, that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All. So be it! ASHE!

feelin' fine

it's funny...just when you think you're standing still, you get a teeny push in the right direction.

before you know it, you're speeding downhill...

i'm grateful for all the opportunities that are presenting themselves to me. i feel stronger, more confident, and more aware than i have in years.

honey told me recently that i didn't sound very humble. i told him that while i am always understanding of the fact that i only have what god has given me, and that i am continually humbled by the trust the universe has put in me, i don't have time for the usual brand of humility. i'm going to have to get back to a full understanding of the richness & beauty of me--and flaunt it--to get to where i'm going this lifetime.

i gots braggin' rights. lol.

there's always room for improvement, but i'm enjoying where i am right now for the most part. i'm growing, and i'm learning.

i have some big tasks ahead of me. but i have no doubt that i'll be able to accomplish them...and well.

ashe.

cherish the day

yeah i'm takin it back
'cause i feel like it...

100 quotes from The Secret

(the original poster said they weren't sure if these were actual quotes, but they're all good, so...here you are. if you want more info, go here.)

1. We all work with one infinite power
2. The Secret is the Law of Attraction (LOA)
3. Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting
4. We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think
5. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy
6. People think about what they don't want and attract more of the same
7. Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation
8. You attract your dominant thoughts
9. Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most
of prosperity have it..etc..
10. It's not "wishful" thinking.
11. You can't have a universe without the mind entering into it
12. Choose your thoughts carefully .. you are a masterpiece of your life
13. It's OK that thoughts don't manifest into reality immediately (if we saw a picture of an elephant and it instantly appeared, that would be too soon)
14. EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted .. accept that fact .. it's true.
15. Your thoughts cause your feelings
16. We don't need to complicate all the "reasons" behind our emotions. It's much simpler than that. Two categories .. good
feelings, bad feelings.
17. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.
18. Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming
19. You get exactly what you are FEELING
20. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances
21. You can begin feeling whatever you want (even if it's not
there).. the universe will correspond to the nature of your song
22. What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract into your experience
23. What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match - no exception
24. Shift your awareness
25. "You create your own universe as you go along" Winston Churchill
26. It's important to feel good ( ( ( (((good))) ) ) )
27. You can change your emotion immediately .. by thinking of something joyful, or singing a song, or remembering a happy experience
28. When you get the hang of this, before you know it you will KNOW you are the creator
29. Life can and should be phenomenal .. and it will be when you consciously apply the Law of Attraction
30. Universe will re-arrange itself accordingly
31. Start by using this sentence for all of your wants: "I'm so happy and grateful now that....
32. You don't need to know HOW the universe is going to rearrange itself
33. LOA is simply figuring out for yourself what will generate the positive feelings of having it NOW
34. You might get an inspired thought or idea to help you move towards what you want faster
35. The universe likes SPEED. Don't delay, don't second-guess, don't doubt..
36. When the opportunity or impulse is there .. ACT
37. You will attract everything you require - money, people,
connections.. PAY ATTENTION to what's being set in front of you
38. You can start with nothing .. and out of nothing or no way - a WAY will be provided.
39. HOW LONG??? No rules on time .. the more aligned you are with positive feelings the quicker things happen
40. Size is nothing to the universe (unlimited abundance if that's what you wish) We make the rules on size and time
41. No rules according to the universe .. you provide the feelings of having it now and the universe will respond
42. Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing (bills in the mail, being late, having bad luck...etc..)
43. You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point
44. "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha
45. What can you do right now to turn your life around?? Gratitude
46. Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately
47. What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about
48. What are the things you are grateful for?? Feel the gratitude.. focus on what you have right now that you are grateful for
49. Play the picture in your mind - focus on the end result
50. VISUALIZE!!! Rehearse your future
51. VISUALIZE!!! See it, feel it! This is where action begins
52. Feel the joy .. feel the happiness :o)
53. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one
54. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists." Alexander Graham Bell
55. Our job is not to worry about the "How". The "How" will show up out of the commitment and belief in the "what"
56. The Hows are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream
57. If you turn it over to the universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered .. this is where magic and miracles happen
58. Turn it over to the universe daily.. but it should never be a chore.
59. Feel exhilarated by the whole process .. high, happy, in tune
60. The only difference between people who are really living this way is they have habituated ways of being.
61. They remember to do it all the time
62. Create a Vision Board .. pictures of what you want to attract .. every day look at it and get into the feeling state of already having acquired these wants
63. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein
64. Decide what you want .. believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it's possible for you
65. Close your eyes and visualize having what you already want - and the feeling of having it already.
66. Focus on being grateful for what you have already .. enjoy it!! Then release into the universe. The universe will manifest it.
67. "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve" W. Clement Stone
68. Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.
69. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it and act on it.
70. How can you become more prosperous?? INTEND IT!!
71. 'Checks are coming in the mail regularly'... or change your bank statement to whatever balance you want in there... and get behind the feeling of having it.
72. Life is meant to be abundant in ALL areas...
73. Go for the sense of inner joy and peace then all outside things appear
74. We are the creators of our universe
75. Relationships: Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others .. love yourself and you will be loved
76. Healthy respect for yourself
77. For those you work with or interact with regularly .. get a
notebook and write down positive aspects of each of those people.
78. Write down the things you like most about them (don't expect change from them). Law of attraction will not put you in the same space together if you frequencies don't match
79. When you realize your potential to feel good, you will ask no one to be different in order for you to feel good.
80. You will free yourself from the cumbersome impossibilities of needing to control the world, your friends, your mate, your children....
81. You are the only one that creates your reality
82. No one else can think or feel for you .. its YOU .. ONLY YOU.
83. Health: thank the universe for your own healing. Laugh, stress free happiness will keep you healthy.
84. Immune system will heal itself
85. Parts of our bodies are replace every day, every week..etc... Within a few years we have a brand new body
86. See yourself living in a new body. Hopeful = recovery. Happy = happier biochemistry. Stress degrades the body.
87. Remove stress from the body and the body regenerates itself. You can heal yourself
88. Learn to become still .. and take your attention away from what you don't want, and place your attention on what you wish to experience
89. When the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life
90. You are not here to try to get the world to be just as you want it. You are here to create the world around you that you choose.
91. And allow the world as others choose to see it, exist as well
92. People think that if everyone knows the power of the LOA there won't be enough to go around .. This is a lie that's been ingrained in us and makes so many greedy.
93. The truth is there is more than enough love, creative ideas, power, joy, happiness to go around.
94. All of this abundance begins to shine through a mind that is aware of it's own infinite nature. There's enough for everyone. See it. Believe it. it will show up for you.
95. So let the variety of your reality thrill you as you choose all the things you want.. get behind the good feelings of all your wants.
96. Write your script. When you see things you don't want, don't think about them, write about them, talk about them, push against them, or join groups that focus on the don't wants... remove your attention from don't wants.. and place them on do wants
97. We are mass energy. Everything is energy.EVERYTHING.
98. Don't define yourself by your body .. it's the infinite being that's connected to everything in the universe.
99. One energy field. Our bodies have distracted us from our energy. We are the infinite field of unfolding possibilities. The creative force.
100. Are your thoughts worthy of you? If not - NOW is the time to change them. You can begin right were you are right now. Nothing matters but this moment and what you are focusing your attention on.

hangin in there...

had a relapse on saturday...
stabilized later that night, but was worn out for the rest of the weekend.

tired of my tummy sounding like an angry gila monster.

oh well. at least i'm functioning.

ori orisa consciousness by iyanla vanzant

i found this in a blog on myspace. it's an oya's marketplace article from 1993, but i think the lessons are still relevant & important.

alafia & adupe to all the reputable, knowledgeable, and spiritually focused priests & practioners of ifa.

I often wonder if I am the only person who readily admits, when I got initiated, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. My experience with YORUBA culture had been through the dance and music. It seemed only natural that I would embrace the spiritual and religious philosophy. So I did, not because I understood it, but because it was “the thing to do.” I also admit, that my lack of understanding,information and reverence for the intangible energy of ORISA, cost me dearly.

As I think back, what I knew about the priesthood was that once I was initiated,
people would bow down to me (salute); when the white sheet went up, I would be on the inside rather than the outside; I would be able to eat at the table with the priests before everyone else ate; I would have my own godchildren; and that ORISA would speak to me. As I was initiated in the Santeria tradition, I was also primed and ready to be possessed, since that seemed to be a prerequisite to being a good priest.

Further retarding my understanding of initiation was the fact that I was one of
those people who “had to be made.” I was told if I was not initiated, “something
horrible” would happen to me. No one ever told me what it was, but they, and
I were convinced that it would happen. Frantically, I borrowed, begged and
gathered up the thousands of dollars required. I went into the room frightened, confused, desperate, totally unprepared and economically devastated.

My year as IYAWO was equally frantic to my initiation. By the end of my year, I was no longer affiliated with my godparents. (That’s another article for another time). Suffice it to say that I was left lost and unprepared. I remember the first time I ventured to peer into my ORISA pots. I had been forbidden by my Godmother to ever touch, much less open the beautiful ceramic dishes. On my first birthday, with her gone, somebody had to do the propers. Cautiously, with my eyes squeezed shut,
I took off the lids. When I finally mustered up the courage to look, I was
horrified! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Call the police! I’ve been
ripped off! There’s nothing in this pot that can speak to me! There’s nothing in
these pots but... If you’ve got pots, you know what I saw. I did what any ill-prepared, confused person would do; I cried.

There’s an old saying, “If you want to know the end, look at the beginning.” My first three years as a priest brought into manifestation all of the confusion, misunderstanding and hysteria which had surrounded my initiation. I had no idea of what I was doing. I watched and mimicked other priests with no idea or understanding of the metaphysical principles they obviously knew. As an ORISA orphan, bouncing around from place to place, picking up a little here and a little there, my methods were scattered. My understanding eclectic at best. Then I made the ultimate mistake for a confused priest, I initiated someone else. I thought I had finally made it into the big time. I was on my way, I thought, up. I found out, I was on my way down and out of the darkness.

There’s a basic principle about motherhood, even in ORISA. Mothers want to give their children the best. They do not want their children to suffer or experience the trials and hard times in life. I wanted the best for my IYAWO. I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I wanted to give her the best, do the best by her. Unfortunately, I did not know how to give it to her. I was unprepared. I was confused. I was lost.

But because ORISA is merciful, just and in control, they have a way of coming in and making sure your prayers are answered. My prayer was:

Dear OBATALA:
Please help me do the right thing.
Please show me how to be a priest.
Please make me worthy to wear your
crown and raise your daughter. Please
put the right thoughts in my mind and
point my feet in the right direction.

Because I had so little understanding, I did not know that OBATALA really heard me and would really answer. My answer came in the form of my goddaughter leaving my house and taking nearly all my godchildren with her. It came in the form of scandal and disgrace. It came in the form of everything I thought I knew about ORISA being proved to be wrong. It came in the form of isolation. It was the best thing to ever happened to me. It brought me to a place I call “ORISA Consciousness,” the place I live today.

“ORISA do not come to make life better for you. They exist to make you better for life.” Life is a gift from OLODUMARE. At any point in time, there are 14 million souls waiting for a body. They want to come to earth to manifest the glory of life. Those of us who are fortunate enough to receive a body, have a responsibility to life. We must live it to the fullest, in alignment with the Divine Will, sharing and giving the gifts we have been given, for the betterment of humankind. Few of us
have that understanding. That includes those of us who are priests. Somewhere along the path, we get the idea that life owes us; that we are in control and that
the world and everybody in it should be the way we want it to be.

Our early life is so wrought with power struggles, self-denial, debasement and fear, we rarely consider life beyond what we need and/or want to survive in our
limited environment.

We are not taught universal law and principles. We are not taught that we are divine manifestations of the Most High Creator and that we have the divine right to love, peace, happiness and abundance. We are taught that we must struggle, fight and keep others from getting what we think we want.

We are taught to think of life and ourselves as limited. We are not taught metaphysical principles such as the power of thought and word. We are not taught that we create our own experiences as learning tools in accordance with the lesson we have come to life to learn. We grow up believing that someone is out to get us;
that God is too busy to hear us and that if we don’t follow a prescribe way of
thinking, we are doomed. Then we become priests, bringing the same misguided notions into the sacred order.

My prayer to Obatala led me to the understanding, in order to build up you must tear down. I had brought so much garbage into my priesthood, it had to be discarded. It was necessary for that process to begin in my own consciousness. I had to take a long hard look at me, not my parents or godparents; not the ORISA community. Not even what I had been told was right or wrong. I had to tell the truth to myself about myself. That was a long, hard, ugly process but I knew it was the only way to get rid of the garbage and create an evolution of consciousness.

Next, I had to come to the understanding of who or what OBATALA was not what was in the pot; but the nature, the energy, the divinity. I had to understand how that force manifested throughout nature. What was the duty and responsibility of the OBATALA nature with regards to the rest of the universe. Everything OLODUMARE makes is purposeful.

What was OBATALA’s purpose? And, how could I bring myself into alignment with that purpose? This took a great deal of observation; surrender of judgment or criticism and a great deal of faith. I had not been taught to trust myself or my thoughts.

What I did not understand was that my thoughts could no longer be my own; I was a limited human. OBATALA was a divine force. I had to move out of the way and let the
nature, force and purpose of OBATALA manifest through me. That was my purpose in the priesthood; to bring for the divine energy of ORISA to the earth plane.

ORISA consciousness meant that every move I made, I made by asking the question, “What would OBATALA do in this situation?” Each time I opened my mouth to speak, I had to consider the same. OBATALA had to become the foundation of every aspect of my life; not just on weekends at bembes or initiations. I had no idea at the onset that the priesthood would totally encompass my life. I had not been taught that. It all seemed so easy. I came to realize that the only way through was to surrender everything I had ever been taught as a human. And, the only way to surrender was to commit every aspect of my life to the nature of OBATALA -- order, discipline, humility, silence, patience and service. As I began to do that, as my consciousness began to expand, my entire life changed, as did I.

Eventually, I came to the understanding that coming to the priesthood unprepared was the way I chose (spiritually) to get to where I needed to be. There was not fault or blame. By giving power (ASE) to my human garbage, my godparents blessed me. They placed me in a position where I was forced to choose between the potential destruction of myself or the elimination of garbage. I do not however take the credit for my evolution. I know it is only through the nature, grace and consciousness of OBATALA that I survive.

Today, I am not one of the “guys.” I no longer have the desire to do the things which were at one time so very important to me. There are times when that is hard. I no longer have opinions or fears or the need to struggle to survive. As long as ORISA is, I am. Very often I ask myself, “Is it worth it?” I am not at the end yet so I really don’t know. I have moved away from family, friends and the “normal” people I know, to live almost in seclusion. That can be lonely. I choose to see it as purposeful. The greatest benefit I receive is that each morning when I wake up and go to my temple and pour libation and say, “OBATALA, how can I serve you
today?” something happens in my mind.

I know that everything I do and say will be an ordered sequence of events which will have an effect on the universe. “I am because ORISA is! All that ORISA is, I am!” Can you imagine? That blows my mind and gives purpose to my life. It’s a matter of choice. It’s a matter of consciousness.

ADUPE! ADUPE! ADUPE! BABA MI.

sigh

i dunno who told babaluaiye to come out & play, but he sure got me good...sheesh.

hope y'all don't get caught up in this mess.

anyway, now that i've survived the virus du jour, i'm praying there's nothing else (i'm not tempting you, universe, so please don't think this is arrogance...it's just a declaration) that can hit me, health wise. that means that over the next few days and weeks i'm hoping i can actually get started on some of the stuff i've been trying to get to since the new year started.

plus the new things.

i have ppl asking for bath salts i haven't been able to make...
my hair is a mess & so is my house...
my poor cat barely got fed yesterday/today...
i've been in bed/on the couch for the better part of 4 days...

but...
the weather doesn't have me as down as it usually does by this time of year
i was able to take the time i needed off work with no problem
the cat did get fed
i got paid today
relatively speaking, i do have my health
my dreams are becoming more lucid
finishing up some ebos...

i'm in a pretty good place.

but i despise getting rerouted. especially by my body. but...oh well. she's served me very, very well over the years. i suppose i can forgive a transgression or two.

ain't nothin'

feeling more level today...still a little congested. forgot my pill last night. oh well. i think i'm done with those. time to let nature take over...

i watched xmen 3 last night...i netflixed it after having a bit of back and forth about jean grey's transformation with a friend...

that got me thinking this morning about how my h.s. boyfriend used to compare me to jean quite a bit (my involuntary xmen education is how i knew the whole series of movies was jacked from the get go, but i digress...). i suppose i do have some latent powers & what not.

my first homebuying information class was quite informative. i'm feeling a lot less intimidated about getting some startup money together.

the project has started...i think it's going to produce itself, largely.

listening to like water for chocolate always always always makes me feel like i'm in the middle of summer.

adupe (thank u)

today's gratitude is brought to you by...

healing energy
fluffy, powdery, beautiful snow
being just late enough to work
castile soap
friendship
health & strength
ori
cats (& other four-legged children)
kleenex
warm comforters
earth tones
love.
patience
ogun--for watching my back
bright ideas
cars
water.
slow work days
olokun--for all your wisdom & the tiny piece you share with me
cotton
hats & scarves
answered prayers

bored, sniffly, & in need of a serious boost

my head's finally out of the fog...but now i have a cough. i'm praying that's a sign the end is coming.

still feeling relatively run down.
fasting doesn't seem to help.
googobs of water doesn't seem to help.
eating myself silly (even as vegan as possible) doesn't help either.

tonight i'm gonna have to boil some ginger root & lemon & try to burn this mess out. wish i had some eucalyptus oil...

honey's still m.i.a.
fk acorn.

i'm feeling disconnected from just about everyone lately. i'm not depressed, i don't think, but i am feeling very, very dull. i'm just not...me.

have a new project in mind...it's still embryonic, but i hope it flies. it's also another reason i'm gonna need a computer ASAP.

i would call my mother, but she offers no pity. lol. she's all, "that's what happens when you've only been sick three times in your life. you'll be fine. stop complaining". it's true, though. i'm not used to it. not even a lingering cold.

i need to make some bath salts for my cousin & 'nem...

why does someone else's bright idea for a coworker's get well gift (not that it's undeserved...quite the opposite) or party or some other endeavor always become work for my ass?

i probably need to get out of this chair & away from the computer. but it's not like i'm gonna go walking around in 17 degree weather.

blah

i need some heat
sunshine in my hair
aquamarine water
sand in my toes...
i need to go home.

maybe i can't get my healing from where i'm sitting...
maybe i'm missing something.

but i suppose i've been missing something for the last year & a half, at least.

ugh.

who knew a simple little sinus infection could be so much trouble.

psa: pseudoephedrin is the devil.

i really don't get how something i was supposed to be taking as medicine basically made me high as hell. i was in bed for an entire day, straight dazed. sunday i woke up trembling like i had dt's.

not.fun.
decongestants should not send you into withdrawal.

other than that, i guess i'm ok. antibiotics tend to wipe me out as well...but on a much smaller scale.

that said, my weekend was...not much of anything. honey couldn't even come over. he's in work prison again. just me & the cat.

on another note: what the fk is up with the cavaliers? just 'cause they have lebron james they feel like they shouldn't have a team at all? sheesh. they deserved that beating the pistons gave 'em (my long standing crush on chris webber notwithstanding).

i still love prince.

that's all.

if i have any serious, coherent thoughts over the next few days, i'll let y'all know. might have to wait until i've detoxed from the antibios...