i am not an immigrant.

or the descendant of immigrants.

at least, not technically speaking.

are these people really serious?

~~~

vote democrat

dude...

so i think a spider bit me in my ear a couple of days ago...*shudder*. i thought it was just one of those really annoying ear pimples, but when i looked closely, there were these two awfully symmetrical scars. ugh.

but since my ear hasn't swelled to the size of texas and i felt nothing until i went to wash my ears a few days ago, i suppose i'll live.

pray that i can find a cheap, sexy dress & shoes to wear to this wedding next week. memorial day sales, here i come...

i've been writing a little...

honey & i are on our way to being back on track. and so am i.

well...i'm off to find something to do. 'cause i doubt any real work will be taking place today. ha.

enjoy the weekend!!

sometimes...

you just have to give it up to god.

so...baba eshu, egungun...if there is a way to be made, you're going to have to make it for me, 'cause i'm out of ideas and i'm running out of patience. i'm putting it in your hands.

resurfacing

i'm finding that i'm really spooked lately. every little noise/creak/voice in the house has me jumping out of my skin.

i feel...aware.

often i'll be resting and feel a sort of tingle all over...something auric. it doesn't feel expansive--as often happens during a meditation. it's more like the feeling i get at a concert hearing a song i love. or the tingle you'd feel in church during a serious praise session. a building-up or edification of some sort.

i think i'm going through a "reawakening". things i've pushed to the back of my mind are making their way to the forefront. i'm sure it's to aid me in moving towards my destiny, allowing me to work towards my goals. i have felt rather disconnected from my intuition over the last several months...probably even longer. apparently enough is enough, and it's time for me to give in.

part of this is most likely the reclamation of energy that was tied up in a previous relationship. not to mention keeping my current one together. i've felt bad because i've felt so closed off and distant from my honey, but apparently this needed to happen. i had to get back into my own skin. i think both of them were making demands on me that i couldn't meet anymore. and it was taking a toll--not in the sense of visible stress or unhappiness, but i apparently needed rest.

i'm finding that a lot of the trouble i'm usually having with my cycle around this time has diminished considerably...and not just 'cause i'm remembering my womb tea and b vitamins. i have a lot more of my own energy for my own use.

all the books i'm reading lately are dealing with the magic of womanhood...i just finished alice walker's now is the time to open your heart. i started sassafrass, cypress, and indigo last night (a book that i was essentially and cluelessly almost re-creating in a story i started some time ago...but that's another story). i plan on getting back to when god was a woman after i finish that. and there's a book on menstruation a friend recommended some time ago that i'm determined to find...

yeah. basically.

so...the best things i can do now are to keep a level head, remain pure in thought and intention, and work my magic.

~~~~

he says he's ok, but i still can't seem to shake the idea that i'm the world's worst lover/girlfriend/partner/whatever. the nagging voice in the back of my head is telling me i'm being neglectful, selfish, and irrational.

groan.

i wish she'd shut up. the rest of me seems to be enjoying the quiet.

one out of 136 americans incarcerated

is this the only way we can deal with our issues?

sigh

...but it's malcolm's birthday

so go educate yourself on that.

are mothers always right?

i've been hearing my mother's voice in my head a lot lately. not so much in the sense that i'm becoming her--although sometimes i get that too.

this falls into the category of hearing something for years and not really understanding what she meant. until that one day when it clicks.

for example: she would always tell me that i would either never marry, marry late (35+), or marry a much older man.

never marry? eh. i didn't like being condemned to a life of loneliness...i've always enjoyed relationships, and i have a pretty good track record when it comes to picking mates. of course i'd get married one day...right?

marry late? that wasn't so bad...i've never really been able to decide whether or not i want children, so that wasn't a bad idea.

a much older man? not if i could help it. besides the physical issues, what if, by that time, i decided i didn't want kids and he did? what if he already had half-grown children...close to my age, no less? what about ex wives and mortgages? what would we have in common?

still, as i deal with some of the things that i'm dealing with now in my relationship, i'm wondering if she was right.

it is very difficult for me to deal with the "mess" that comes with a lot of men being in their first real i-think-i-could-marry-her relationship. i don't have a lot of the "usual" issues (body image, missing parent(s) syndrome, etc), so i can sometimes be detached or impatient in areas that require the most nurturing response.

i want someone who knows their shit, owns it, has dealt with it, and can move on.

mom's always said that doesn't happen for men until around 40.

can i wait that long? should i?

mommy has a friend who's her age and single. she's an oshun-type...many lovers, committed to none. she doesn't deal with the headgames men play, the tests they run. they start getting dicey--even when it's "normal"--she cuts them loose. on to the next good time. she can't really deal with raking the muck, either.

mom says the older i get, the more i remind her of her. she says i will have to decide--probably within the context of this relationship--if i have the patience to weather the storm, or if i'd just rather remain a free agent.

some days i just want to walk away and cut the ties. steel my heart and turn into the sweet, cool, brutally honest woman no one can tie down.

but...i enjoy security, safety, stability. i'm afraid it will wear me down to be alone forever.

yes, i'll always have a life, lovers, my godchildren...but what's all that without a lasting love?

i'm still on the fence.

but sometimes i worry mom's right about me.

progression

i forgot to put on earrings this morning. i hate that. my ears have only been pierced for a few months, but whenever i walk out with out something on, i feel naked.

other than that, i'm...level.

gonna start a new book this weekend. and i might have to go searching for that ntozake shange i can't seem to locate anywhere.

if you haven't already, go cop that new fader with nina simone on the cover. she's the truth.

got a new card for the camera. i'm PRAYING it works so i can get some shots in, too.

i also plan on getting the hell outta dodge early tomorrow afternoon. i need some time to dream.

things are moving along.

my f*cking cat

decided to reach out and claw my little mini inflatable foot bath thingie while i was giving myself a pedicure last night.

*pause*

i am not appreciative.

however, my toenails are now an insanely garish pearlescent blue-green.

i'm happy about that.

i needed this laugh

see more at toothpaste for dinner

the breakthrough

(...thank god for mary j blige albums. can i get a witness?)

anyway.

i'm trying to put it all together right now. all the pieces, all the emotions, everything. get my bearings.

i feel stronger already. no less lost, but stronger. more resolved.

i think that i'm going to have to get back to the art of toenail painting.
i will also need more toe rings. things that sparkle.

i'm going back to sacred woman to see if there's a gateway i need to move through to get past all this...i don't know if there's a creativity element. opening to spirit might have some useful chakra work i can benefit from, though. i might have to pick up the artist's way again, but...i'm not sure i feel like going there just yet.

basically, i want to break out of my rut. shatter it, really.

last night i gave in to a bit of self-loathing. it's good to do that occasionally. i ate a whole pizza (yeah. i know), had some chocolate. smoked 1.5 cloves.

i eeked out a really rough poem. and another letter.

later she wrote...

"back from iraq" (truthout.com article)

i support that they got caught up in some b.s. that wasn't of their doing.

i support the sacrifices they have made mentally, physically, and spiritually.

i support the grief of those not fortunate enough to have a loved one come back home alive. or only half alive.

but the reality is, it never should have happened.

period.

i appreciate the life i live here.
i understand that there are ppl fighting right now as i type this.

but they're not fighting for me. they're fighting for dubya & his buddies.

they're fighting for an administration that can't even see fit to make sure their i's are dotted and their t's crossed when it comes to getting the troops the things they need.

they're fighting for ppl who won't even consider researching alternative energy so NO ONE will have to be in their position again.

the last war that was fought "for me" was the war they wouldn't even let my grandfather fight in because he was black.

so forgive me if it's a bit more complicated in my eyes.

i won't be at the airport greeting them, but as the daughter of a vet, i understand.

so do what you gotta do, get the hell outta there alive, and have the good sense to not allow your babies to walk the same path.

peace.

epiphanies

i lost someone very dear to me a few months ago...not through death, but through some necessary life transitions.

that loss has affected me in ways that are just catching up to me now...ways i think he understood from the outset. but my reactions when it comes to our situation have almost always been delayed. i never envisioned my life without him whereas he had to consider it almost every day.

i took his presence for granted. so when he left me, it took me awhile to figure out why i just couldn't get right. i know now that those are the walls that have been closing in on me lately.

in many ways, he was the only thing keeping me from murdering my creative self. he loved her. he kept her going.

now that he's gone i have a gun back to her head, questioning her usefulness.

i'm in a position now where i have to learn to love her for myself, not for his sake. and that means facing some big fears and insecurities.

as honey told me, "you're not sitting at the feet of the master anymore".

i have to remember that i was who i was before i met him.

the split happened when i had to go to college and consider a "real job". before then, "writer" was an adjective i might have used as easily as "woman" or "black". but when i grew up, i began thinking of myself as someone who had to live in the "real world". there would be no surviving from "hobbies"...at least, that's what everyone told me. and since i didn't have a particularly artsy circle to draw from, i believed them.

when i met him, he nurtured and encouraged that side of me. even after our breakup. through the friendship, the fights, the disappearances...he fed me. we fed each other. he made me feel like an artist again.

and now that's gone.
i have to do it on my own.

i'm the type who needs that creative energy...at the very least, a partner...someone i can bounce off of, who can help me. i draw my inspiration from what's around me, from my interpretation of the world.

i don't suppose any writer can function in total isolation. but when our bubble burst, it destroyed the world that sustained me. i have no teachers, no other mentors. and i wasn't ready to step out on my own.

my creatrix has lost her bodyguard. and she's afraid of me.

i have to find a way to befriend and embrace her, pull her back into myself and love her.

without her, i can never be whole. and i'll never get back home.

nothing to see here...

i have little to no energy.

still can't write.

i feel like i'm sitting in the middle of a huge sea on a piece of cardboard or something equally flimsy...it's holding me up, but i'm kind of waiting for the moment i either sink or get rescued.

i don't even know how i got here.

blah.

so much things to say...

...but i can't really make them into palpable words/thoughts.

just feelings running around in my mind/heart/spirit.

i dunno. it'll come. slowly but surely, i suppose.

reasoning

Ajeriakhili says:
[my former, christian roommate] talked about reading papers questioning the earth's age...i dunno. he seems well into it. he doesnt vote cuz it's against the body of christ...i dunno what to say

righteous livity says:
yeah that's a bit much. like, there are problems here & now. and as far as i can read, jesus addressed his here & now, so why can't we? jesus was a rebel of his time. we're not in his time. we're in ours. he should be an example of how we can effect change for the better for us and call out our oppressors.

Ajeriakhili says:
cuz according to them the bible and god are unchanging therefore the same rules apply.

righteous livity says:
in some cases, yes. there are forms of wisdom that don't change. but action needs adaptation. so anyone who can't see *that* is blind. which brings me back to the question of whether folks are following *jesus* or jehovah. 'cause jehovah was a very specific god for a very specific time/people. everybody following jesus should be a tree-hugging hippie commie pinko leftie. lol

a day without immigrants

wow.

Industries that rely on immigrant workers were clearly affected, though the impact was not uniform.

None of the 175 seasonal laborers who normally work Mike Collins’ 500 acres of Vidalia onion fields in southeastern Georgia showed up Monday.

“We need to be going wide open this time of year to get these onions out of the field,” he said. “We’ve got orders to fill. Losing a day in this part of the season causes a tremendous amount of problems.”

It was the same story in Indiana, where the owner of one landscaping business said he was at a loss.

About 25 Hispanic workers — 90 percent of the field work force — never reported Monday to Salsbery Brothers Landscaping.

“We’re basically shut down in our busiest month of the year,” said owner Jeff Salsbery. “It’s going to cost me thousands of dollars.”

Beef and chicken processing plants also felt the pinch.

Eight of 14 Perdue Farms chicken plants closed for lack of workers. Tyson Foods Inc., the world’s largest meat producer, shuttered about a dozen of its more than 100 plants and saw “higher-than-usual absenteeism” at others, according to spokesman Gary Michaelson. Most of the closures were in states such as Iowa and Nebraska. Poultry plants also closed in North Carolina and Georgia.

stuff.

got my foot bath. gave myself a nice, luxurious pedicure over the weekend.

the carol's daughter stuff is a little messy, but worth it.

started the cleansing...seems to be going well.

i'm adding liquid chlorophyll to my OJ in the morning, which seems to do wonders for my appetite. i don't think it's doing much for my energy level, though. i'll be taking a b-complex vitamin (which definitely helps with energy) and flaxseed oil daily. also trying to keep up the daily 2 liters of water routine.

no chocolate (*sheds tear*) and/or excess sugar. as little dairy as possible. more whole fruits/veggies/grains.

other than that i'm not changing my diet much.

as usual, my shoulders are achy. and the mucus is leaving. that's usually how i know my cleansings are working.

note to self: watch the roasted/raw garlic. good god. i still don't smell quite right. i had the slimiest spinach salad ever on saturday, and someone saw fit to load it with garlic. it wasn't quite coming out of my pores, but other places? ugh.

so now i just have to keep up with my yoga, and make sure i do a decent meditation at least once (preferably twice) a week until the 13th.