purification

i've always used certain things--tobacco (infrequent), liquor (a little more frequent), chocolate (don't ask.)--to escape. things that make me feel good for a moment or three, but with no real, lasting benefit.

i realize the contradiction in my overall eating habits and going out to a show and having 3 or 4 cocktails. i'm nothing if not honest.

but i suppose it's more in a long line of things used to distract myself. from...whatever.

the frustration of re-remembering my purpose.
to alleviate boredom.
to make up for something else i need.

there are the occasional fasts and what not, but i do realize the need to cut certain things out of my life altogether. clear my mind/space on another level. hence, my deciding to cut out hard liquor and tobacco at 30.

there's no difficulty in giving any of these things up...there's just an inherent comfort in them, in looking at myself sideways.

but there's really no need for that. i can face myself and my life head on. and i know that my power lies in that.

(this entry didn't really shape up the way i wanted/expected it to...there may be more on this later...)