it ain't over til it's over...

right?

hm. ok then.
bring it on.
i'm ready to fight.

i suppose i should explain.

you might think it's romantic to be "fought over".
but it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

i have been fortunate enough to love very deeply and have that love returned.

right now, that love involves two very different, highly determined, and very much in-love-with-me men.

now, not surprisingly, i've come to a point where i have to choose.

i could go into detail about why both of them are important, why i love both of them, etc.

but the longer i did that, the crazier it would sound....well, maybe not if it were a book or a movie.

but this is my life.
and theirs.

there was nothing purposeful about this.
it didn't start off as a game gone wrong.
nor some sort of "i wonder what would happen if..."

still, as i sit here, i hold the hearts of two beautiful people in my hands.

and i have to make a choice.

so...um...

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCKfuck

dammit

shitshitHOLYshitdammitFUCK

yeah.
that's about all.

happy solstice

all thanks & praise to the Universe for guiding me through another change of seasons...i gratefully celebrate the return of the sun. ashe.

i just wanted to wish y'all (i.e. anybody who reads this) joyous holidays & what not. i don't really do xmas, but i always enjoy acknowledging and celebrating new beginnings.

so, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you celebrate
celebrate well
and long
and safely
surrounded by blood family
new family
or adopted family
and anyone and anything else you love.

may the new year bring you all continued peace and blessings.
trust in the Universe. It knows what It's doing.

ashe
ashe
ashe-o

love & light,

omi

goings on

ok, so even if katrina was "weaker" than they thought, does it matter?

does this mean that people are going to have to fight harder to get what they need?

i mean, seriously...i can just see the excuses formulating in mofo's heads...

new york's on lockdown...interesting how people take things for granted...and how much power the "little people" can truly have when they exercise it.

more on tookie...

shit meets fan...

and, on a lighter note, some humorous reading.

dreaming of a white christmas?

so are they.

more on the women for aryan unity.

you might also want to investigate the roots of aryan history as pertains to india. and the origins of the swastika symbol.

off schedule

well, due to my sojourn to philly this weekend, i was thrown off task. so the fast will have to start this evening...first full day will be tomorrow.

i had hoped to be a couple of days into it by the solstice, but oh well. everything for a reason.

this post isn't gonna have a whole lot of cohesiveness to it, so...

there is housecleaning to be done. i didn't get a chance to do it like i should have before i left, so it's just there, staring me in the face. if i don't get to it any other time this week, thursday evening or friday are probably my best bets.

aside from making the cookies, i am still at a loss to figure out what the hell to get anyone for xmas. this isn't really a problem from an emotional standpoint, as i really don't officially celebrate anyway, but it is as good a time as any to give a little something to the ppl i love. so i take advantage. we'll see how my time and pockets hold up.

i am realizing that i am very much loved and in love. and i'm enjoying every minute of it. even the scary parts.

i miss being able to listen to music at an appropriate volume (at work, that is).

confession: i just bought de la soul's stakes is high sunday afternoon (why the fuck don't they have an official site? huh?). yes, i'm a bad b-girl. i know.

actually, there are a lot of hip hop "classics" that i don't yet own. although i am of the appropriate generation, i came into the love of hip hop pretty damn late. i was raised on r&b. shoot me. if you have any suggestions for other hip hop albums i should own or be disowned, please leave them in the comments section.

i think that's it for now...i feel a little more poetry coming on, so maybe i'll share. maybe.

reflections

i'm angry again.

after everything that was said to me yesterday (the Divine speaks thru those closest to you...if you need a prayer answered, get into a deep convo with a friend. i'm not kidding.)...i dunno. i'm chafing at the bit again.

i know i can't afford to get too numb or too comfortable. but how do i survive and remain aware?

it's amazing the skin i have to stuff myself in just to keep from sitting at my desk and screaming uncontrollably. or shooting someone every time they tell me to order, copy, fix, coordinate, or explain something.

whenever i have enough time to think, i remember this.

i'm realizing now that i've been burying little pieces of myself, waiting for the appropriate moment or time to reveal them again.

i hid them away for safekeeping

because it wasn't going to get me a "real" job.
because i had to make some money.
so my intuition couldn't take over.
because i had to eat.
because i had to starve.
so i wouldn't drive him away.
so i wouldn't bring him closer.
because there was no money to travel.
because i don't think i'm worth it.
because they said it wasn't worth it.
someone else could always do it better.
because i don't trust my visions.
because i wanted to be "normal".
i was stuck in traffic.
because my inspiration is often pain.
i hated all my notebooks and everything in them.
because she thought i couldn't.
because no one's going to send me back to therapy.

i didn't even realize it was happening. but by the time i identified the sickness for what it was, i was on something close to a deathbed.

it's not really safekeeping when the possibility of each little thing creeping back out of the soil terrifies you.

i'm tired now.
something's dying and i want to save it.

i am closed.
i want to open.
i can't afford to stay as drunk/high as i feel i'd need to be to survive more self-imposed repression. self-mutilation and suicide aren't options.

i'm afraid of what will happen to me if i don't have a breakthrough.
and i'm equally afraid of what will happen if i do.

i believe that this, ladies & gents, is what is commonly known as a crisis.

eh.

real talk

from a convo with a friend who enjoys kicking my ass when i need it...(thank heaven). it's been edited for typos and some clarity, but nothing else.

i'm posting this for everyone who may be in the same boat i am. if you don't have a friend of similar persuasion, print it out. put it somewhere. tack it to your forehead.

hell, i know it's not easy. if it were that easy, i wouldn't have to have read-heard this speech right along with you. i'm trying to convince myself, too.

but if you can sense your impending implosion like i can, which one is worse? seriously.

this is what i've learned and i've tried to get this in the heads of as many people as possible: once u get paid to do what you do, it makes you really figure out if u want to keep doing it. not because money means a lot, but because you can see the value that others give to what u write. it makes it more than a hobby or therapy. it gives it another dimension and you can sometimes gauge whether or not you like that other aspect of it. u see it in a different light.

i mean i've told a few people this, and i hate to rehash this speech for you, but...here goes.

some people use drugs and stuff to enhance this experience. THIS IS IT. nothing is going to give you a better trip then living. honestly. u have 5 senses that are bringing you information.

your eyes are giving you imax, hd, trillions of colors, dozens of different spectrums.

your ears are giving you dolby 17.2 sound, in stereo with surround...no sound system invented will ever deliver that kind of quality.

you get to wake up to a new trip everyday.

no low from smoking or shooting up or whatever will ever compare to what life offers, but the flip side is no high will ever touch life's either.

this is it. you have the ability to shape, alter and create every experience you have. it's the ultimate rush. get comfortable in your skin: it's yours for the entire trip.

the last thing you want to do is be much older with the "should have", "could have", "wished i would have"...this is it. you are creating your memories every day. every sec for when you are sitting still thinking about what the next phase has to offer. that's the point.

you are damn talented--DAMN TALENTED--you don't have to deny that. you don't have to try to conform or just fit in. you shouldn't. you have that gift for a reason. you can touch people in ways just by what you write. that is power. power to bend this reality. it sounds like some sci-fi shit, but it's true.

what i'm saying you already know...you have writers who are immortal because of what they wrote. people whose [descendants] never have to lift a finger because of what they wrote before they were born..that's the truth. u know i'm not wrong. u have the tool to reshape your world.

i mean, u may not aspire to riches or whatever, but you have the ability to find a place in this world where you can be creative and where this world will reward you for that. the rewards could be never being stressed about paying a bill, not being stressed about getting up to get to a job that you dislike if you don't wanna. i mean, that's what i see your talent as.

people learn by what they read and what they see. tv and movies educate so many people on relating to each other, but those 2 forms are only possible because of writers. u r a writer. do you really get that power? not to mention when people hear a story or get an idea from a writer that shows them a new idea or way of seeing the world around them. that's power.

if u give up on that i will kick your ass.

one of the reasons y i h8 rap right now is because these people have the entire world's attenton and they are only feeding them more garbage instead of helping them.

can u imagine if 50cent said something positive?

could you imagine if you had the ability to get your views heard by a million people? that's what u have to fight for. to be heard. u have something to say.

no one feels the pain and the joy in the way that u do, but they can relate if u tell them what u went though. that helps people. that's all im sayin...i mean u do a book and one person reads it that thought they were all alone...it's comforting to feel like you are not the only one going through some of life's experiences. no one is on earth alone, but everyone is on their own. that's the reality of a lot of people. yaknow...what u do helps to bridge that gap.

do u really think human exsistence would last without the written word? we can't communicate with pictures alone. you are a WRITER, a scribe...shit...im getting frustrated over here.

why i love my honey

last night he made me laugh
like...
side-splittin
tummy hurtin
cantcatchbreath laughter
...this was
just before he offered
to oil my skin
simply because i said
the winter air was making me uncomfortable.

and here i was
supposedly caring for him
('cause he's the one with the cold)

i don't think i've ever felt so beautiful.

i guess i'd better marry him someday. 'cause i ain't finna have some other broad reapin' my benefits.

*grin*

spirit notes

you know how sometimes you need a little Spirit in your life? i picked up my book of rumi poems last week, and i've been reading ever since...

a favorite from this morning:

...i am apart from all that.
ways of worshiping are not to be ranked as better
or worse than one another...
it's not me that's glorified in acts of worship.
it's the worshipers! i don't hear the words
they say. i look inside at the humility.
that broken-open lowliness is the reality, not the language! forget phraseology.

i adore the concept of closeness to God...the notion that god is a mystery and/or can never be understood has never been logical or feasible to me.

i think the Universe craves understanding and knowledge. attempting to understand the Divine in relevant & personal ways brings us closer to understanding ourselves.

whatever medium you use to achieve that understanding, as long as it is done in the spirit of love, devotion, and humility, becomes Divine in the process. if you see God in everything, you begin to create your paradise.

on: tookie

of course, people are talking...

whether he was guilty or innocent (that is, of the crimes that landed him on death row...no one can deny the damage gangs have done all over urban areas in this nation and around the world...), i do agree that an important opportunity was missed.

how anyone expected the terminator to catch on to that is beyond me. but i digress.

the bottom line here is the lack of a learning curve. mainstream america refuses to see that men like tookie are some of the few who can reach these troubled kids. they're the "heroes", the hood legends. the men and women 90% of rappers wish they were.

to some of our youth, these ppl aren't just the baddest motherfuckers on the block. they're also fathers. cousins. sons. lovers. brothers. and, whether we want to accept it or not, the only role models they have.

tookie's story could have been used as an example of the possibility of life after (social/spiritual) death. redemption. salvation.

instead, he's now just one more pillar of the "no matter what i do, i'm worthless to them anyway....so fuck it" school of social justice.

way to go, america.

epidemic

i've heard this brother speak on a few occasions...we need more out there like him.

i truly believe that many of the young men we're losing will only listen to someone who's been there and back.

it's gotta stop.

down there

so i watched the vagina monologues for the first time last night (dvd, not the show itself), so i was thinking about some of the questions she asked the women in the documentary segments...

if your vagina could talk, what would it say?
i'm good

what would your vagina wear?
um...probably a lot of silk, cashmere, and satin.

when was the first time someone hurt your vagina?
i'm not quite sure...but i do remember when i learned that i could physically rebel against someone who wasn't good for me, even when i tried to ignore that fact.

interestingly enough, i'm finding that a lot of my openness with my body has to do with not being told things. i was never told not to touch it. i was never told it was bad or ugly or whatever. it just...was.

conversely, i wasn't beat over the head with the beauty of it all, either.

i was allowed to discover and explore a lot of things without condemnation or shame...for myself, not thru the eyes of someone else.

no, it wasn't because my parents were ultra-liberal hippies or back-to-nature fanatics. there were just more important things. like...school. or (for my father) keeping the doors locked at night.

when it came time to talk about sex, it was a perfectly natural thing. a thing that could have consequences, but nothing to be particularly hung up or ashamed about.

i'm glad for that.

well, i found a few more things...

guess these folks don't realize that christmas was never about christ. i was amped to see a pentagram among someone's holiday lights last night. at least they know the real reason for the season. right on.

just to get you started:

One of the generals on the pro-Christmas side is Tim Wildmon, president of the American Family Association in Tupelo, Miss. "Sometimes it's hard to tell whether this is sinister -- it's the purging of Christ from Christmas -- or whether it's just political correctness run amok," he said. "I think in the case of the White House, it's just political correctness."

Retail boycotts
Wildmon does not give retailers the same benefit of the doubt. This year, he has called for a consumer boycott of Target stores because the chain issued a holiday advertising circular that did not mention Christmas. Last year, he aimed a similar boycott at Macy's Inc., which averted a repeat this December by proclaiming "Merry Christmas" in its advertising and in-store displays.

"It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House," Wildmon said. "What's going on there?"

yeah. basically.

(and before you get freaked out about pentagrams read on...)

more strife for baltimore's schools...

katrina's winds are still blowing...

etc etc.

sperm doesn't like soy?

i was shown this article today...

i--and so do many holistic practitioners--maintain that a veggie/vegan diet is ideal for most colored folk around the planet. centuries of evolution has a little bit of a say in some things, ya know.

eh. whatever. i'm not interested in (having any) babies at the moment anyway.

i'm back...

but i don't have a whole lot to say...yet.

stay tuned.