queen of swords

i never wanted to be that card. but it seems to keep coming up for me.

a woman who is desirable, attractive, intelligent...but distrustful. love's always nearby, but somehow doesn't work out. surrounded by children with none of her own.

the loves of my life--both of them--are ill and potentially dying.

i've made all the peace i can with that, but there are days when i honestly don't know what i'm going to do if at least one of them doesn't make it.

most of my life i've been told i'm meant for some vague something special above and beyond the basics, but sometimes all i want is to be somebody's partner, somebody's mama.

i never thought a higher purpose would mean that i'd never have someone to love when psychologically and biologically i wanted it most. that my only babies would be my journals, notebooks, blogs and the words i throw to the wind.

if you've had the experience of birthing a child, you're among the luckiest folks in the world to me right now. it's why i hate to see so many of us raising them so traumatically that they often kill each other. or grown folk blowing them to shreds (literally) without a second thought.

i'm grateful for my mind and what comes from it, but i never thought that would be all i have.

i didn't plan on being alone with these dreams.

i didn't think my heart would always be either full to bursting or on the verge of breaking.

i don't want to be the queen of swords.

but i don't know how not to be.