an open love letter

a little something for the future...

addendum: this is pretty much the blueprint, prototype, standard operating procedure, and everything inbetween. i'm not saying i'm gonna make it required reading on the 3rd date, but...yeah. 

because writer's block has taken over...

as seen on tumblr

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:
10. let's run away together.
9. thank you for never leaving me.
8. sometimes "i'm sorry" just isn't enough to make everything ok. even if you really, really mean it. accept that.
7. i like you, but you can REALLY piss me off. but i do like you.
6. i hope you learned that you don't know everything, and that next time you'll be more careful what you ask for.
5. i'd love to give you a hug because it'd mean we were in the same place, together.
4. you're beautiful. i hope you know that. fully.
3. yes, i would. all you had to do was ask, but you never did. {i know this applies to someone...}
2. i know it wouldn't have worked, but...did you feel that, too?
1. let go. be yourself.

Nine things about myself:
9. at this moment, i am more comfortable in my own skin than i've ever been.
8. half my soul is decadent & luxurious, the other half ascetic. i'm constantly balancing the two and intervening in turf wars...
7. i'm trained as a massage therapist.
6. finally, i'm really enjoying writing for its own sake.
5. i have a deep love and respect for animals.
4. I believe I will live a life with financial freedom, peace, excitement, love & happiness {me too!}
3. i enjoy washing dishes.
2. i HATE dusting.
1. i think babies are wonderful, fully capable human beings, in miniature.

Eight ways to win my heart in relationships.
8. Teach me stuff - I love learning {agreed again}
7. copious amounts of affection & attention. not because i'm needy, but because i like reciprocity.
6. ...but also know i'm going to need space sometimes. and you should, too.
5. kindness. compassion. a huge heart...with clear, healthy boundaries. give without exhaustion, love without co-dependency...that kind of thing.
4. know thyself...and how we can balance & compliment one another.
3. get to know my body. please it continually.
2. be unafraid of deep, sensual communion. know how to work with it to strengthen our relationship.
1. respect spirit.  understand my relationship to it. 

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. friends/family
6. food
5. love. love. love.
4. how to put things into words.
3. inspiration
2. realigning with my life's purpose
1. sex

Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. blow out/light candles {depending}
5. make sure the cat's fed so he doesn't wake me at some ungodly hour
4. put on music
3. review the day
2. journal {sometimes}
1. consider the day that's coming...

Five celebrities you admire.
"admire" is a strong word, but as far as i can determine their character...
5. forest whitaker
4. danny glover
3. george clooney
2. tim robbins/susan sarandon
1. ruby dee/ossie davis

Four things you’re wearing right now.
4. um...not wearing 4 things. just a red & white kaftan.
3.
2.
1.

Three songs that you listen to often.
3. "fistful of tears" - maxwell
2. lots of meshell ndegeocello
1. "casa bey" - mos def

Two things you want to do before you die.
2. travel the world
1. share living space/daily life with a man i love.

One confession.
1. i am power-full.

half my heart's in haiti...

i added some links to the sidebar related to haiti relief.

please, do what you can to help the people of this nation.

if you would rather patronize a local benefit, hold a vigil, organize your own fundraiser, light a candle...whatever works.

just do something.

these efforts will need to continue months and likely years into the future (remember katrina).

give now, keep abreast of the needs of the people, and keep giving. keep doing. keep praying.

vive l'ayiti!

gratitude

yesterday, it was hard to sit still while i ate my lunch.

i was nearly overwhelmed with gratitude.

i was raised to say grace, so while i often consider those who are poor and/or hungry when i eat my meals, this is probably the first time i was grateful for the actual act of eating.

the texture of the food...
the smells...
chewing...more texture, more tastes....

easing it down my throat, knowing it would give me strength to go on with the rest of the day.

in the wake of the sheer loss of life in ayiti, i became acutely aware of the gift of possessing spirit AND flesh, and the gifts inherent in that.

spirit lives all around us, protects and blesses us. but it is an honor and a privilege to be in the flesh. to feel, to love, to work, to BE.

...and to eat.

our diverse shades, shapes, abilities and ways of being are all gifts.

if you are here, breathing, owning consciousness, living, you are saved. don't let anybody tell you different.

In the silence that followed, Baby Suggs, holy, offered up to them her great big heart…“Here,” she said, “in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it…No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them! Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face ‘cause they don’t love that either. You got to love it, you! And no, they ain’t in love with your mouth. Yonder, out there, they will see it broken and break it again.What you say out of it they will not heed…What you put into it to nourish your body they will snatch away and give leavins instead. No they don’t love your mouth. You got to love it.

~from toni morrison's beloved

i forgive you.

i realized this morning that i've reached the point of forgiveness.

this is big.

i wasn't specifically aiming for it, but i felt it when it happened.

at first, i just needed keep breathing. that was difficult enough some days.

then there was processing the seething anger.  i was afraid that alone would consume me.

although it doesn't excuse shit, or change what happened, or erase the boundary lines, it is so liberating to know that...i forgive.

give thanks...

odun mi (my year)

new year's eve was full of prayers and desire-renewing.

much of the eclipse list i started in the summer of 2008 is still being fulfilled. and, apparently, the stars are lining up in my favor.

given the trials and challenges of the last couple of years, that is certainly welcome news.

i have known deep pain and heights of pleasure.
i have learned and taught.
i have struggled and endured.

every up seemed to have a down...mirror reflections everywhere. nothing was easy.  i often felt like i had to steal fun or a moment to breathe.

when i asked five goddesses to guide me through 2010, they replied:

• synthesis {gyhldeptis} - a frequent presence in my recent readings. this is an ongoing challenge for me, but one i finally feel comfortable facing. i immediately recognized it as the "hub", or fifth card. the other four i consider resting in the four directions.
• ecstasy {eurynome} - this is core to my being. spiritually, emotionally, physically.
• pleasure {hathor} - also core.
• embracing the shadow {inanna} - another ongoing  challenge. but i am stronger in this than i've ever been.
• creativity {ix chel} - i am more at peace with my gifts than i have been since i was a child/adolescent, and i seek to continue that. 

so that's that.

happy new year.