my thoughts on "Single & Yoruba"

over two years ago,  i listened to this blogtalk radio segment and wrote a sort of running commentary.  it's been sitting in my "drafts section" all this time, but since the conversation continues in ATR circles, i figured i'd post it anyway.

point of order: can we stop with the "males" and "females" thing? ugh. especially since i typically hear "men" followed by something about "females". men and women sounds so much more...civilized {no binary-o}. thanks. 

1. polygamy - this was probably the most balanced discussion on polygamy i've heard in a very long time.  i was glad the hostess and panel had personal experience with polygamy and were able to give a FULL breakdown of it.

is it for me? no. i joke a lot about how i'd much rather have two husbands (polyandry). in all seriousness, i see the question of polygamy as one better considered by sistas who have children and/or may directly benefit from a polygamous situation in some way.  if i'm making the commitment of marriage, i would only do so with the understanding that our situation would be monogamous--at least starting out.   

as a woman not necessarily committed to childbearing--and not planning on having a large family even if i do--being one of several wives holds no interest for me. i'd rather stay single and/or be the primary partner in a polyamorous situation.

2. some of the traditional ways i dig. others i don't--probably because i'm just "too far gone".  i trust and love my parents and my family, but damned if i wanna get with someone i haven't even looked in the eye good yet.  direct courting/dating works well for me.

i've heard that some elders take on a "chaperone" role with (adult) godchildren.  others will say, "leave me out of it 'til you're really serious/ready to go to the mat."

i honor the opinions and advice of my elders, but when it comes to marriage, i'm the one who'll have to live with him, not anyone else. i've been raised to hold that responsibility as an adult woman with {hopefully} good sense, guided by my heart and mind.  if that's wrong or "nontraditional", so be it.

3. no comment on the brotha with the bembe hook-up problem...

4. i wonder if, in our modern context, it's best to assist people in becoming the best they can be and go from there.  as one of the panel members said, many are "struggling with the basics"--for a multitude of reasons.  the need for healing is pervasive and real--the sooner we see that, the sooner we can heal ourselves, our families, communities, and our world.  that needs to be taken into account both personally and in the context of relationships.

even so, i think we can all agree that if you love, honor, respect, and uplift yourself, you will seek the same in a mate.

5. we have to be careful about these conversations being too heterocentric/heterosexist.  it's probably time to have some "alternative" discussions, particularly since queer folks are quite present in our traditions.  i'm sure--or would hope--that elders will deal with these matters as they come to understand their godchildren and their destinies.

6. glad to hear them asking what men can do instead of the usual, "oh...how can we improve ourselves/make ourselves more attractive" from sistas.  also glad they mentioned the importance of personal observation, intuition, and good, old fashioned common sense in choosing a mate.


nehanda said...

i was recently introduced to john francis & the idea to engage actively in silence as a way of exploring healing and engaging in acting of compassion holds a certain allure for me. i believe it has do with the fact that i spend a majority of time talking.& often times, exhausting.
be well sis
mbuya nehanda


nehanda said...

reading this sentence it feels so fragmented. lol what can i say, it all got lost in translation. does it make sense what i was trying to say?

mbuya nehanda

sugar sista said...

it makes sense...

i think both dialogue and silence are valid, depending on the situation and the issue at hand. it also depends on the energy/energies of the person doing the silence or the talking. some folks are energized by the interaction, others need breaks.