choosing battles: privileged neglect vs. hate

once, someone shared a wise sentiment with me: they're not always out to get you, sometimes they just don't care.

of course, the result might be similar or the same, but that perspective cuts through a lot of paranoia and fear.  in a world full of ever-present boogeypeople, you can scare yourself right into apathy or inaction if you aren't careful.

however, if YOU care, that's power. 'cause you might get someone else on the bandwagon.

the folks who are supposed to hate us so much continue living life--their perceived evils and imbalances notwithstanding--while too many of us have stopped living to shoot at shadows.

if they were that obsessed with coming for us, they'd get little else done.  but much still gets done. has been getting done.

to be certain, much of it is not in our favor, to our advantage, or for our health because they don't care. 

but that's not the same as hate.

that's not the same as a genocidal master plan.

and it does not (always) equate to sitting down each day to decide how to specifically kill, maim or destroy [insert just about anyone not male / western-euro descended / hetero here].

am i saying no one is out to get "us"? no. quite the contrary. there are a few who've made it their life's work, for reasons that would take another blog or three to lay out.

but i don't think that's the majority.

i think the majority are riding a wave of conquest and privilege they don't understand the root of.  they don't care because they don't have to; their circumstances allow them to reap the benefits, and that has the potential to make all but the most aware rather indolent.

i don't choose to lie awake thinking about folks who don't care about me, nor do i see the point in viewing my life as a never-ending battlefield.

i do choose to care more than they do.  i need to see and relate to the people they don't.  i am committed to learning, listening, doing my part in my little corner of the planet.   

it might not be much, but it's what keeps me sane.

the list {estab. 2008}

it's been four years since i wrote the list.

despite all the changes i've undergone--and there have been some major ones--it still works really well as a framework for my ideal mental, emotional, and spiritual state of being.

do you have a list, or something like it? how has it shaped your life, your perceptions? has it changed?

...not that you have to answer me out loud or anything. just a few thought questions.

the year's still relatively new, and spring's fast approaching.

get a little piece of that change.

a soul ajar

i am opening.
and being opened.

this terrifies me.

i realize that, outwardly, i am not what anyone would call "closed". i am quick to smile, laugh, connect with people.

this, however, is an opening to the whole of myself, to seeing and manifesting all that i have within to make my life what i need and want it to be, finally.

exciting as that sounds, the closures have been a lifetime in the making--catalyzed by fear of being misunderstood, the pain of ridicule and separation, the desire to be "like everyone else".

it's true that i no longer fear myself, but this next step almost feels more daunting than releasing that anxiety.

i realized that releasing the fear would make me more comfortable.  i don't know what this opening is going to look like.  i do know it's going to require a lot of trust and faith. 

it's also one more thing i have to face "alone", which is enough to make me want to hide under the covers until it goes away.*

in the end, though, the process will be the same: eventually my ego takes over and refuses to let this--or any other bump in my emotional road--"beat" me, and i commit to making myself feel better.

so i suppose i should just get started.    



*lately i've been almost hyperaware of what's lacking in my intimate life. whooooole other blog. which i probably won't write here.