one step closer...

i went to the guy who did my lotus last night & asked him about my new tattoo…

i’ve been bouncing around a lot of ideas, but i’ve settled on a snake/serpent with its tail in a spiral, possibly creeping up my shoulder. this takes care of the goddess, creativity, rebirth, and wisdom motifs all at once.

i made sure to tell him i didn’t want any striking cobras or something spouting blood and weaving its way out of my arm. i’m aiming for something like the little garter snake i’ve added here. feminine & slinky.

it’s gonna cost me a little more than i’d like (of course size, placement, etc haven’t been etched in stone…only that i want it in blk & grey, no color.), but i don’t mind. he’s a great artist & not hard to spend a couple of hours with.

to any first timers out there: you get what you pay for. unless you’re dealing w/ a friend you trust, bargain shopping for ink is NOT the move.

See more progress on: get another tattoo

replace "piercings" with "tattoos"

...and i could be writing this to my mother.

What I wish I could tell my parents

Piercing is something that my parents and I have had many fights about and is one of the few things that actually come between us. Now while you might be saying to yourself, "Why is this 20 year old guy worried about what his parents think?" And my answer to you would be that I care a lot, first of all they still support me while I am going to school, and secondly, they are my parents and we get along really well, accept for this.
I have only a few piercings: my lobes, an industrial, my tragus, and my tongue, as well as a few that have retired but they would have never seen anyway. Now this is the problem, they already think I look like a freak and that I could never get a respectable job, and I feel that I am not yet the way I want to be, and this is where it gets interesting.

What I would like to say...

Why do I get pierced? Not because it looks cool or because it is a fad. I get pierced because it means something to me far beyond what any sort of fashion or, material possession ever could. To me being pierced is an experience that connects me with m mortality and is a way to physically manifest some of the pain that we all experience in everyday life, but detach ourselves from. Piercing is a challenge that each time you overcome, it makes you stronger. So, no I do not get pierced because I am rebelling, or because it is a fad, or because I think it will make me fit in, I get pierced because I would like to feel more like me and know myself more. I want to know my limits, my boundaries, my abilities, and then I want to push them to the next level.

Piercing is also a mark for people with a certain mindset. It is not some ritual, cult of death, but it is a cultural symbol, and this is the culture that I want to be associated with. Not to fit in, but to show them who I am, and then be accepted by like-minded individuals, people who I can relate to.

Why do I pierce? Yes, I have taken up piercing, myself and others, and I am actively trying to make a profession of it. (Any Piercing Artists in Long Beach / LA area want to take on an apprentice?) I do this because of my love for piercing. I think it is not only something that everyone who wants to should have access to, but I think it is something that everyone should experience at least once in their lives. As Tyler Durden said, "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been a fight?" I ask, "How much can you know about yourself if you have never been pierced?" I think that inflicting this amount of pain on yourself for something inconsequential, is a major event that can happen in a persons life. It is giving up your fear of pain and everything we as modern people do to escape and numb pain, in essence, this is giving up just one of the many things that control your life, and taking it back for yourself. So I back to the question: Why do I pierce? Because I w ant to share this thing that I love with the world, and I also want to meet people who appreciate it like I do. Because it is through people who appreciate the same things that we appreciate, that we can grow, and expand our horizons.

And as for this whole "respectable job" thing. Perhaps I don't want a "respectable job" perhaps I plan on doing something different, and actually enjoying what I do for a living and the environment in which I work. Perhaps to me it isn't so much about the money, but the happiness and the my relationships with the people that I care about. Besides there are many other things that I could be doing to "explore". Like drugs, or shagging every girl I meet, or becoming an urban camper. But what I choose to explore in this world are my relationships with people, my understanding of myself, and what I can create to make my mark. Essentially, this means that, all I have are my friends, my self, and my art. So be a little more open minded, there's always more than one way to do it, to live life, let me choose my own path, and rather than push me down yours, support me on mine. There's a big world beyond your front door, and rather than pushing out those who bring it in, you could try to go out into it, explore it, and explore yourself.

this is a test

...of the emergency morality system.

this is a chance to stop and think.

just like 9/11 was for us.

is israel as determined to fail that test as we were?

i only pray that the babies caught in this crossfire find some way to grow up with the wisdom and compassion not to demand an eye for an eye. that they understand that the cycle must end somewhere, with someone.

cliffs notes

if you're looking for a quick & dirty version re: what could happen with this israel/lebanon thing, see this.

and since when is diplomacy standing behind your buddies at all costs and offering the other side jackshit? from truthout:

American officials are very good at vernacular descriptions, but lousy at history and political reality in the Middle East. As U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice sets off Sunday on her short trip to a Middle East that is increasingly engulfed in violent confrontations and political turmoil, she has described the massive destruction, dislocation and human suffering in Lebanon as an inevitable part of the "birth pangs of a new Middle East".

From my perspective here in Beirut, watching American-supplied Israeli jets smash this country to smithereens, what she describes as "birth pangs" look much more like a wicked hangover from a decades-old American orgy of diplomatic intoxication with the enticements of pro-Israeli politics...

Short term, the United States would like Israel to wipe out Hizbullah, allow the Lebanese government to send its troops to the south of the country, ensure the safety of northern Israel, cut Syria's influence down to size, and apply greater pressure on Hizbullah-supporter Iran. The United States opposes a ceasefire, therefore, because, Rice says, "A ceasefire would be a false promise if it simply returns us to the status quo."

This diplomatic position to support Israel's attacks on Lebanon, coupled with rushing sophisticated precision bombs to Israel from the U.S. arsenal, indicates that Washington seriously aims to fundamentally redraw the political and ideological map of the Middle East in the longer term. If this means yet another Arab land goes up in flames and war, so be it, Washington seems to be saying...

Washington is engaged almost exclusively with Arab governments whose influence with Syria is virtually nonexistent, whose credibility with Arab public opinion is zero, whose own legitimacy at home is increasingly challenged, and whose pro-U.S. policies tend to promote the growth of those militant Islamist movements that now lead the battle against American and Israeli policies. Is Rice traveling to a new Middle East, or to a diplomatic Disneyland of her own imagination?

because i'm too lazy to write at the moment...

toothpaste for dinner!

quarter life crisis (myspace blog)

part I

part II

i wanna give a shout out to israel...

...and anyone else determined to make the middle east into an inhabitable wasteland

tina turner
"we don't need another hero (thunderdome)"

Out of the ruins
Out from the wreckage
Can't make the same mistake this time
We are the children
the last generation
We are the ones they left behind
And I wonder when we are ever gonna change it
Living under the fear till nothing else remains

We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond the thunderdome

Looking for something we can rely on
There's got to be something better out there
Love and compassion, their day is coming
All else are castles built in the air
And I wonder when we are ever gonna change it
Living under the fear till nothing else remains
All the children say

We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond the thunderdome

So, what do we do with our lives
We leave only a mark
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark
Give it all or nothing

chicken little?

this bothers me.

not so much for the reasons he stated, but basically because we, as the only "superpower" on the planet, don't have the kinds of people in place who could truly aid in alleviating these tensions. the diplomatic and moral clout that might have allowed us that chance and that privilege is all but wasted.

we gave the gun to the baby. and he took it to school. now he's shooting anything that moves 'cause it's just a game to him.

as i said in my comment to the blog entry, i don't worry too much about nuclear strikes. i think we're all aware enough to understand that (a) we're all on the same rock and (b) if the world starts to look like mad max, we ALL lose, no matter who's on top for the first few years after the initial attack.

but i do fear accidents.

god help us all.

stalemate

we're speaking different languages...

words i thought i understood have totally different definitions.

every other conversation seems to be about questioning whether or not this thing we're doing is worth it.

i don't know if this is the beginning of the end or the opening to a breakthrough.

today i am grateful for honesty.

wtf?

sigh

all this to find two people? forgive me if i'm missing something, but why don't they just send a squad in to get them?

isn't that what special forces and all other kinds of special military task forces are for?

sometimes you win...

people often ask me how i could be a vegetarian...

when you consider alternatives like this, i start to ask folks how could you NOT be one?

*shudder*

had a thought this morning...

what if i have to move?
like, a plane ticket away move?

sigh

i can't write much more on it now. too emotional.

i'll revisit this shortly...

still climbing

the salt soak last night helped tremendously...my head cleared up and i slept better than i have in a few days.

i'll keep praying and try to stay as still as possible.

i've been trying to eat light...although last night i couldn't resist getting some chocolate at the supermarket. of course, i ate a whole bar when i said i was going to stop at one or two rows, but...i deserved it.

i don't really have much else to say...there's a staff meeting in about ten minutes (joy), but if i come up with anything more interesting to say, i'll come back & edit.

today i am grateful for clarity, peace, and candlelight.

a busted saturday night / trying to pull it together

so...for the first time in months (weeks at best), i actually wanted to go out & have a decent time--solo or not. so i got myself together and went out, only to wind up in a lackluster reggae party with all of, oh, 10-15 other people.

sigh

so i made my way to another spot, contemplating going in or just going home (by this time i was waiting on honey to see if he was going to meet me), when i saw a pigeon amble up on the side of the car. no biggie, right?

but then the thing decided to fly up & sit on the hood of my car. i was on the phone with my mom for awhile, and he continued to sit there. and he didn't immediately move when i started to move the car, either. he walked up the windshield and flapped around a bit...then finally flew off and went to the curb when i got the first stop light.

i wonder if that was someone saying hello. like the butterfly that followed me to my door every day for a week a couple of yrs ago.

so anyway...saturday night wound up being a total bust, and that led me back into the fog sunday morning. i made dinner early...dad came over and helped with getting the shelves together. so my bedroom is one step closer to looking the way i've been envisioning it for the last year or so. the homestead is really coming together, thankfully.

but...i'm still very far from being ok.

honey & i finally got together last night, and he was great about saying some of the things i needed to hear...gave me a lot to think about.

my mother suggested that maybe i'm beginning to suffer from the "mild" depression that runs in my family...but i don't think so. or, at least, i hope not.

i think my heart's still broken and i'm missing a big piece of my soul. eventually i'll heal, but the wound is still tender.

i spend the majority of my days bored and unfulfilled. another problem.

i'm far too sedentary these days.

i need to form new bonds/friendships/community.

i need to write again. really write.

my outlets are few and far between. i don't even know when they started to disappear.

i've even had a few nightmares lately...

so...tonight's the night i start my full moon prayer/incantation. the plan is to take a nice salt soak and place the prayers with oshun and the ancestors. i'll light my candles for five days (oshun's number) and see what happens.

i've discarded my old "bliss" prayer...it never fully dissolved, and i think that maybe it just wasn't time for those things to come to fruition. for now, i think i'll just keep removing obstacles and filling the spaces until i see a change.

it boils down to this: in order to see the light again, i have to be unafraid of the darkness. i have to embrace my shadow. that's difficult for me because the other side to the munificence and benevolence of my light is the destruction i can bring as shadow. even being older and wiser i fear it.

still...working with it might be the only way to get back to being me again. i have to embrace that possibility.

today i am grateful for small steps forward.

manager set list

more fun with toothpaste for dinner...

oops....

i don't know if it's racist, but it's certainly a little insensitive.

as usual, i feel there are bigger fish to fry. however, sometimes you have to understand that even 140 years, give or take, can be a bit "too soon" for some jokes.

giving thanks...

alafia!

the fog has lifted and i'm feeling better than i have in weeks. i'm crediting the much needed time off, the revitalization of my space, and (last but never least) my prayers for this renewal.

i'll be doing my abundance/gap-filling prayer on monday with the full moon, now that i've had time to reflect on the obstacles i've recognized & removed over the past few weeks. before i do, i'll be taking a good soak in a salt bath infused with clary sage, cinnamon, & sandlewood. all in the name of clearing the slate and making way for new and better things.

...oh. and i happened to stumble across this sista's site today...good stuff.

today i am grateful for clarity, rest, order, and cleanliness.