march was full...all kinds of travel, a blissful birthday, and lots of pleasant, deeply welcome surprises...
i tend to write more (and better) when i'm settled, so all the running around has taken me away from my creative projects. but if you'd like an update...
i am saddened by the recent DC shootings and disappointed by offshore drilling plans. erykah's still giving me hope that there is some creativity left in the world, and i am always grateful for good news about africa.
haiti is still on my heart, and i pray for a merciful hurricane season for us all. i'm unnerved by the differing faces and levels of terrorism both abroad and at home.
i am also reading armah's two thousand seasons, which is still so relevant to the ongoing struggle within the hearts, minds and spirits of black folks. i know affordable copies can be hard to find; i got mine here, thanks to bilal sankofa. it's a jewel.
so...that's a snapshot of my life at the moment. hopefully i'll be rambling on and on about something on these virtual pages very soon.
be blessed,
omi
3.31.2010
3.16.2010
an apprehensive honesty
this morning i realized that he still scares me a little.
loving someone with abusive tendencies changes you. all the things you have to learn to keep yourself safe--as safe as possible anyway. the subconscious adjustments you make to keep things peaceful...
i still fear an unwelcome conversation leading to some kind of tirade, or triggering a random meltdown that i'll have to clean up. the thought of a random sighting makes me want to fall through the floor.
i refused hiding months ago, but i haven't taken out a billboard, blown up any spots or confronted anyone other than him. i am content to tell my truth here and to my journals, and leave it at that.
psychologically, i realize he's probably done his own healing since we stopped speaking. if it's real, deep and lasting healing, good for him. i give thanks, because that would mean another sista won't experience him as i did.
emotionally, all i know is who he was with me. no matter what he says, how many times he apologizes, or how adamantly he refuses to be "held back" by his "past" actions, i, personally, have not seen (and don't necessarily need to see) the new and improved version. in my mind, he still only does enough to get by, skipping over the truly messy parts in attempts to create false utopias. he is/was a hurt person who hurt me, period.
the anger is gone and i've been able to forgive, but i doubt i'll ever be able to disassociate him from those things. it's sad, but it's real, and nothing but time (?) will change it.
apparently, the next step is reaffirming his existence and honoring the places where we (indirectly) intersect.
he's still on the planet even if he's not in your world. there's no sense in pretending he isn't.
when i can have that thought without cringing, i'll be able to claim another small victory.
loving someone with abusive tendencies changes you. all the things you have to learn to keep yourself safe--as safe as possible anyway. the subconscious adjustments you make to keep things peaceful...
i still fear an unwelcome conversation leading to some kind of tirade, or triggering a random meltdown that i'll have to clean up. the thought of a random sighting makes me want to fall through the floor.
i refused hiding months ago, but i haven't taken out a billboard, blown up any spots or confronted anyone other than him. i am content to tell my truth here and to my journals, and leave it at that.
psychologically, i realize he's probably done his own healing since we stopped speaking. if it's real, deep and lasting healing, good for him. i give thanks, because that would mean another sista won't experience him as i did.
emotionally, all i know is who he was with me. no matter what he says, how many times he apologizes, or how adamantly he refuses to be "held back" by his "past" actions, i, personally, have not seen (and don't necessarily need to see) the new and improved version. in my mind, he still only does enough to get by, skipping over the truly messy parts in attempts to create false utopias. he is/was a hurt person who hurt me, period.
the anger is gone and i've been able to forgive, but i doubt i'll ever be able to disassociate him from those things. it's sad, but it's real, and nothing but time (?) will change it.
apparently, the next step is reaffirming his existence and honoring the places where we (indirectly) intersect.
he's still on the planet even if he's not in your world. there's no sense in pretending he isn't.
when i can have that thought without cringing, i'll be able to claim another small victory.
3.10.2010
iba yemonja
she tapped into something here...
(this was about an esthero song that she took down...bummer. but i still love her with all my heart.)
(this was about an esthero song that she took down...bummer. but i still love her with all my heart.)
3.02.2010
an uneasy love
i listened to the entire saviour's day address on sunday...
i've seen minister farrakhan speak in person, and i have long respected his views and insights on social issues, not to mention his unwavering wisdom in presenting a united front in the face of all the things black folks face in this country. he is gifted orator, respected leader and elder.
where we disagree: the undercurrent of percieved "jewish world rule", religious dogma, views on women, the perpetuation of compulsory heterosexuality and gender "norms"--honestly, possibly more than we agree on. i also recognize that he is a manifesation of several ways in which black male hegemony can force sistas into several corners at once.
and, of course, there's all that business with brother malcolm.
on sunday--more than ever--i found myself having to separate the wheat from the chaff; the message was unclear, and that disturbed me a bit.
full disclosure: i completely acknowledge that part of the reason for the lack of clarity could be my never having been affiliated with the nation. some of it wasn't for me--i get that.
even so, i wondered how damaging and dangerous certain implications can be when many who are hanging on your every word don't have the tools to make those subtle distinctions, no matter how much critical thinking you teach at the mosque.
in my humble opinion, min. farrakhan--like the rest of us--holds a piece of the truth. i certainly do not deny the existence of spiritual vision, clairvoyance and the like. all that still didn't stop me from feeling, at a gut level, that his deep allegiance to the problematic lineage of the NOI and its leaders skews the ways that truth is expressed.
in other words, it's possible that some of the leaps he has to take to make things fit within the islamic--such as it is--framework wind up feeling like half-truths.
i see the same thing with christians squeezing in holistic attitudes about, say, sex or liberal social policies. yes, it's there if you dig long and hard enough, or if you prioritize the words and deeds of yeshua above all else. but outside of that is a whole tome based on spiritual superiority and other oppressive power structures/hierarchies, the absolute authority of men/masculinity, the evil inherent in human beings, etc and so on.
the foundation matters. if you're going to use the master's tools, you can only shift the paradigm so far.
that said, i will always keep my eyes and ears open for an opportunity to hear the minister speak, and i'm sure i will still tend to agree with him when he says things like (and i paraphrase), "we like you, obama, but if you keep beating their drums of war, we won't follow."
but i have to trust my intuition, and lots of bells and whistles were going off sunday afternoon.
by the time he closed--"right on!" moments aside--i couldn't shake the feeling that the line between respected leader and cult of personality-leader was being danced upon. or crossed.
only time will tell.
i've seen minister farrakhan speak in person, and i have long respected his views and insights on social issues, not to mention his unwavering wisdom in presenting a united front in the face of all the things black folks face in this country. he is gifted orator, respected leader and elder.
where we disagree: the undercurrent of percieved "jewish world rule", religious dogma, views on women, the perpetuation of compulsory heterosexuality and gender "norms"--honestly, possibly more than we agree on. i also recognize that he is a manifesation of several ways in which black male hegemony can force sistas into several corners at once.
and, of course, there's all that business with brother malcolm.
on sunday--more than ever--i found myself having to separate the wheat from the chaff; the message was unclear, and that disturbed me a bit.
full disclosure: i completely acknowledge that part of the reason for the lack of clarity could be my never having been affiliated with the nation. some of it wasn't for me--i get that.
even so, i wondered how damaging and dangerous certain implications can be when many who are hanging on your every word don't have the tools to make those subtle distinctions, no matter how much critical thinking you teach at the mosque.
in my humble opinion, min. farrakhan--like the rest of us--holds a piece of the truth. i certainly do not deny the existence of spiritual vision, clairvoyance and the like. all that still didn't stop me from feeling, at a gut level, that his deep allegiance to the problematic lineage of the NOI and its leaders skews the ways that truth is expressed.
in other words, it's possible that some of the leaps he has to take to make things fit within the islamic--such as it is--framework wind up feeling like half-truths.
i see the same thing with christians squeezing in holistic attitudes about, say, sex or liberal social policies. yes, it's there if you dig long and hard enough, or if you prioritize the words and deeds of yeshua above all else. but outside of that is a whole tome based on spiritual superiority and other oppressive power structures/hierarchies, the absolute authority of men/masculinity, the evil inherent in human beings, etc and so on.
the foundation matters. if you're going to use the master's tools, you can only shift the paradigm so far.
that said, i will always keep my eyes and ears open for an opportunity to hear the minister speak, and i'm sure i will still tend to agree with him when he says things like (and i paraphrase), "we like you, obama, but if you keep beating their drums of war, we won't follow."
but i have to trust my intuition, and lots of bells and whistles were going off sunday afternoon.
by the time he closed--"right on!" moments aside--i couldn't shake the feeling that the line between respected leader and cult of personality-leader was being danced upon. or crossed.
only time will tell.
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