dang it (c) hank hill

i forgot my lavender oil for my temples this morning

hopefully my head won't throb ALL day...

i could just be slightly dehydrated.
or tired.
my headwrap could be too tight
my hair too heavy
or some combination of the above.


this past year as been one of the most tumultuous that i've had in some time. there have been a lot of changes, a lot of shifts. for the longest time, i've been feeling like i'm being prepared for big changes...and now i'm finally getting a glimpse as to what those changes are.

i've cried more than i've wanted to, but they have been purifying tears. temporary birthing pains. the real change begins after i've let all that bad water seep out of me and fill myself back up with sweet, nurturing things.

yeye oshun has me in her hands, and she's not about to let go. so i might as well lean back and enjoy the ride. i know that her joy and abundance are crucial to my rebirth.

so...
here goes nothing.


today i am grateful for clear water & honey

they hacked down my grove...

that place in the picture on the "tree life" post? well, they must have cut the grass recently...i drove by the other day, and the center section is hacked down to almost nothing.

they pretty much left the "guardians" alone.

i'm sure it will grow back...but still.

they could have cut the grass and left that as it was.

*sigh*

the secret lives of trees (part 2)

(written 9.17)

i sprinkled some water over the "altar" area .

there are a group of tall shrubs (or little trees) surrounded by a semicircle of grass. the grass looks and feels like both a fence and a pedestal. a windowsill inviting you to the inside. the trees here are mostly covered in ivy so their personalities are harder to spot.

there's power in this grove. concentrations of plants like this always remind me of oshun. they look like riverbank gatherings.

there are houses just beyond all this, but the green wall seems to be connected to other worlds. approaching the thing as a whole makes me think i'll find an entrance to narnia or somewhere if i go back there.

there must be shrines here. or at least there should be. maybe the shrines are there and have just been abandoned.

who knows what was on this land before...

seems to be doing fine on its own, though.

there are two larger, more diverse plant formations on either side of the grass pedestals. i'm in front of one of these. they appear to be guardians. the formations are different, but similar. i've always focused on the centerpiece; i never noticed that it was protected.

i don't have a way to measure, but if i had to guess i'd swear it was close to evenly distanced all around. accidental landscaping.

always backlit by the sun.

i just noticed some red berries/flowers blooming at the rear of the left guardian...i'm going to have to get my camera cleared and get some shots. several birds are also flitting around...but i'm not dressed for that today. i need long pants and tennis shoes. a sarong and flip flops is just asking for trouble.

i have to give something to this manifestation. maybe just some fruits with a little honey. i'll think about it. maybe there will be a dream.

maybe for my thanksgiving/equinox prayer i will leave an offering.

a baby bee just went by. seen several of those today. suppose oshun's looking out.

i feel like sinking underneath the dirt. using the grass for a blanket. sleep all wrapped up in this beauty.

i must sorely need grounding work.
root chakra all jacked up.

the blades of grass are beginning to distinguish themselves...
time to go. or i'll be here all night.







picture of "altar" area, autumn 2004. looking at this picture i can see how much it's grown. "guardian" plants not pictured.

i think i want

...some hot chocolate
stickysweet rush of
heat and
molten sugar
weaving down my throat

something to make me pleased
with the autumn determined to devour
my last 48 hours of summer
and the tears i can't seem to control
...at least not lately

some comfort
from the new chills in the air.

yeah.
that'd be good right about now.

~~~~

in other news...
i did it,
then never did it again.

i need to do something about that.

peace in a can

i need some kind of intstant de-stressor for whenever honey & i have those conversations that simply leave me sick @ heart.

i have been told to be patient.
so i can be sure.

so that's what i'm going to try to hold on to.

the secret lives of trees (part 1)

(written 9.17)

i'm sitting in the park near my house noticing the personalities of the trees.

there are lacy lady ones
big, generous men
the three trees that seem to be leaning forward to listen to one across the way...

baby trees
elder trees...

i miss earth energy. grounding. even sitting on a blanket i can sense the enormity of what's underneath me. mama earth is so big & beautiful. and all she wants is to get to know us again.

we're children away at college who don't call as often as we should.

sitting here makes me feel enveloped...embraced. loved. protected.

there is one tree, male-looking. tiered almost like a pagoda. tall. to his right, there's a tree with lace-like leaves, leaning rightward--away near the top, closer at the bottom. but still leaning. she's grown that way because he's straight, thick limbed, and heavy.

i can't tell if she's disgusted with him or being coy.

there's another tree to his right, much shorter, who he puts in almost total shadow. at least from this angle.

my favorite is the short, wide one. not very tall, but full bodied, strong. shade-giving with low branches. i think he must love children 'cause they'd probably fit best underneath those branches, next to the trunk. i suppose the extensiveness of his foliage is the only clue about his age. i can't imagine he'll get taller.

then again, trees grow in years, not inches.

reason #283945 our children need a sense of history...

there's a seminar coming up at the school where i work this week...

"SMOKING NEWPORTS IS OUR HERITAGE-EXPLORING TOBACCO USE IN URBAN YOUNG ADULT AFRICAN AMERICANS (CBPR* RESEARCH IN PROGRESS)"

what
the
fk?

guess jet ceased and desisted with the newport ads a few years too late, huh?




*cbpr stands for "community-based participatory research"

we all fall down...

i feel like it's all unraveling. and it happened so suddenly...hard to know which way is up. could be headed for a breakthrough, but it really just feels like a breakdown.

i would love to suck it up and keep it moving, but...

i don't know.
i really don't.

of course, in the grand scheme of things, this is a pebble in the river. in the long term, i'll be fine. life will go on, and everything will upright itself. the transition is what ultimately gets me.

change is very rarely a rush for me. it's more of an agonizing drag.

still...i've learned a lot and, if it truly is time to move on, then i suppose i'll do it with a better understanding of who i am and where i need to go from here.

i always thought that i was meant to be a wife, if not a mother. maybe i was wrong.

or maybe i took the wrong chance.

i'll never really know, so it's best not to speculate. that can drive you crazy.

fk.

not a whole lot of playtime @ the gig anymore.

i really need a home computer...