2.16.2006

unrequited (a work in progress...)

(i just found this again, and i'd almost forgotten why i started it...and who it was about in the first place, but...i remember now.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i met him.
that was enough.
i figured once they saw the beauty in it
they’d accept it.

i didn’t think about
being without him
while i was falling in love

who does?

it was right. nothing wrong feels like that.
no one could take it from us
who would try?

there must be another way to forget...
to stop thinking coherently
about the whole mess
must be
i just haven’t found it yet...
too bad self-destruction really isn’t in my plan
but it began long before this haze settled around me.

i’m grateful for the good days--
there are many, many good days.
many.
not enough to stop the fall, though.

i always fall back
into a color
scent
memory
and there he is and
here i am and...

i remember saying goodbye
rain tears skin
mixing...

that night went slowly
molasses moving.
but it still moved.
i wished—no, willed—myself suspended in time
yet, it still moved.

how do you get over being denied love—
not love like a parent’s love,
but a love you know will expand you
until you’re so big only the universe can hold you...

now i’m just
small
so small
he’d hate to see me like this
if he even thinks of me anymore

i know he must think of me...what we had doesn’t go away
it just waits
around corners
in boxes
pictures
settles itself into walls
and waits for you to find it again.

it likes games of hide-and-go-seek
ring-around-the-temporal lobe
(not like that would go to the tune...)

but there’s nothing i should have done differently
could have done differently
we were
it was
and that was that.

i think...when my speech starts to slur in my thoughts
i know i’m almost there
that place where none of it matters anymore and i can
stop
for awhile

think a bit
get my bearings.

hm.
if i left tonight would he care?
it’s not his fault he fell in love with someone he’d never have

it’s all their fault.
i blame them.

they took him from me over a semantic dispute with god
the god that god gave to me
he was my god...wasn’t he?
then
i was locked away
and blk folks can’t afford towers
so it was just my room
four little walls
and no way to gain perspective

he took me away from all that--bless his heart--
but
i don’t love him like that
i don’t love him like god
i only loved him like god
that sugarhoneysweet velvetvoiced boy
i loved

so.
i suppose i’m being punished.
I AM A JEALOUS GOD
and all such sayings...

(to be continued...)

1 comment:

secret squirrel jenkins said...

this is strong. & heavy. i can't wait until you finish it. it makes my chest hurt, though, cuz i've SO been there . . .