i have to start doing.

i need to get busy with something...something for me.

there's a shift in focus happening. i'm starting to look at me, and i'm realizing that "me" isn't doing too well.

i'm coming out of a external focus coma. it's probably time for a little holistic selfishness. lately i'm seeing that my capacity for that has been severely compromised.

i spend far too much time sitting around waiting for things to happen. i keep foregoing things that i want to do or see because i feel like i shouldn't have to do or see them alone.

i'm always looking behind me, waiting to see what's coming up behind me in the distance.

i'm tired.
i'm not happy.
i don't laugh enough.
it's almost as if i don't get enough air. like i can't breathe anymore.

but i'm afraid. i don't want to go back out there all by myself.
yet...being inside & alone is much worse.

i've picked up some bad habits.

i seemed to get a little of the old spark back a few months ago...and now it's faded again. i'm not sure why.

i know there are some really big blessings coming my way, so i'm going to put one foot in front of the other and head towards them. everything else be damned.

everything will work out.
it's all in divine order.
i will be kept whole.
it's going to be all right.

i just have to keep that in mind every day, all the time.

today i am grateful for the clarity that hides behind the pain.