just when i'm feeling like shit, enter my mother with the job/hair connection.
(every now and then she'll sneak that into conversation)
well you know what? fuck 'em. i'm tired of the lie. our hair isn't straight. get over it. it doesn't always lie down, it doesn't flip whimsically off our shoulders.
and if more of "them" knew what we went thru to make that seem natural, they'd probably deem us insane.
...well, maybe not. considering the popularity of taking botulism shots to the face.
still, if they think shit about me because i refuse to allow their standards to dominate me, fuck 'em.
most folks don't even spend time thinking about this on any conscious level. and they wouldn't really get it if the topic arose. so i really don't think it's that serious.
of course, mom's set in her ways and was raised in a house that didn't allow afros. so if an intelligent, young black woman like myself can't seem to get a job, it must be because my hair isn't bone straight.
forget the current economy, last hired first fired, overqualification for the bullshit that passes as gainful employment these days, the intimidation factor of an intelligent blk female, etc., etc.
but i digress.
the more of us there are, the more they will be forced to accept our true form when it appears. or they will show their true colors and turn up their noses at it. in which case we will just have to make our own way, something we should have made a priority years ago anyway. self-determination.
why should we buy into the bullshit anymore? it's been too long. and you can only lead by example.
all i have is my self-expression. if i lose that, if i give that up, i give up my soul. i won't compromise my soul. it's bad enough i have to fit myself in all these boxes to begin with.
i suppose God'll just have to make a way. i have so little in the way of freedom sometimes...i have to take what i can get. how else am i supposed to stay sane?
no matter how you look at it, it's an element of struggle.
i can accept that.